Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Gina.

Glad you could join us. We were just discussing the unfair stereotype of the

cranky lesbian.

I just worked my third double shift this week. I haven't slept in today.

Well, you better get some sleep, because Ollie's got a ticket to the Knicks

tonight. Yeah, they were a thank you from Dr. Handelman. I covered for him

week. What, you were working extra shifts, too? No, I told his wife I went

Vegas with him.

Good morning, my beautiful children.

Hi. Mom, how are you? Oh, I am great.

The co -op board finally approved my plans to renovate the kitchen.

Despite the objections of my insufferable neighbor, Mrs. Beach, that

been a thorn in my side for years.

Thanks to a certain light -fingered ten -year -old who shall remain nameless.

Oh, my God. Not this again. Look, I didn't steal Mrs. Beach's stupid -ass

globe at her stupid -ass Christmas party in stupid -ass 1982.

Of course you didn't steal the snow globe, darling.

So you were the last person seen with a... You're never going to believe me,

you? Darling, if you say you didn't take it, I believe you.

But if you did take it and you want to come clean... I didn't do it! I believe

you! Good!

Look, if this is all you guys want to talk about, I've got a nap to take.

Move!

Oh, it's me. Excuse me.

I don't know why Mom brought that up. She knows it makes Regina so crazy.

Maybe she should have thought about that before she took Beth's snow globe.

We took it.

Stick to the story.

Just be a guilty. I don't know why we don't just tell her. If we were going to

tell her, we should have told her that day or maybe the next day, not after 25

years of her taking the heat.

Tell her now and she'll peel off your skin and wear it like a tribal pelt.

Stuart, I said I'd be there at 6 o 'clock to pick up the dog and I'll be

Oh, he's not going to be late. I have a big night ahead of me.

Really? You do?

What about it? Yes, I got two huge books of tile samples to go through and a

paint color wheel.

Mom, when was the last time you went on a date?

I went on a date with Michael Devlin three weeks ago. I mean, for God's

I'm not the village bicycle.

What happened with Michael? I thought you guys had a nice time.

I thought we did, too. Then he called me, and he said he did, too, and then I

never heard from him again.

Mom, he called you for the first date. He took you out. He made the follow -up

call. Now he's waiting on you.

Call him.

Doesn't that seem a little desperate?

You're dating a paint wheel. That's desperate.

It is possible you've thrown yourself into this renovation to compensate for

something missing in your life.

Spare me, please. I'm just trying to redo my kitchen and stick to a schedule,

and if those tiles don't get laid soon, I'm going to explode.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey, Dad.

Hey, get up here, Monty. Take a load off. Dad, I think Mom's waiting upstairs

pick up Monty. Oh, yes, she is.

And are you sure you want to leave Crystal alone with Mom?

Well, it's all part of my brilliant plan to collect on Crystal's life insurance.

Oh, you know how tense it gets when the girls see each other at the hospital,

which is practically every day.

I just thought that if Lydia spent some time with Crystal... She would see how

lovely she is and be a little nicer, which would make everybody's life a

easier. And by everybody, I mean me.

Coming!

Oh. Oh, hello, Crystal. I'm here to pick up Monty. Oh, he's out on a walk.

We do it. We don't let him go out alone.

Do you want to come in first?

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you. I'll just wait out here. In the hallway?

Uh, thanks. I will come in.

Sorry.

Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Would you like something to drink?

Oh, no, thank you very much. I just had something.

Oh.

What did you have?

Water.

Nice.

Well, I'll just go back to... No, no, please, don't let me interrupt you.

Would you like me to give you a hand with that? Oh, thanks, yeah.

This is a tricky bugger.

Oh.

We take the end.

Okay.

Move her.

Walk towards me.

The bottom.

Walk towards me.

Take the bottom.

Walk towards me.

There you go.

Were you doing your laundry over here? Oh, no, no, this is Stuart.

Besides, if I waited for him to do it, by the time I got to the bottom, the

clothes would be out of style.

You know, once he had a shirt that I couldn't stand, I just overbleached it.

careful with that.

Why? He once had a... cowboy shirt I detested, and I purposely burned a hole

it in an iron, and he wore it for the next six years.

Okay, so, um, what was Stuart like when you first got married?

Helpless.

You know, I remember what, well, no, no, no, that's the sort of story you tell

after a glass or two of wine, and then you wish you hadn't.

Red or white? Red.

He just sits there waiting for you to answer it.

Phone, dear.

Oh, he did that to you, too.

Oh, yes, until I put my foot down.

I said, Stuart, I am your wife, not your mother, who is the real culprit here,

by the way. Very.

No, she totally infantilized him.

Has he taken you to Lake George yet? No.

Oh, he will. He dragged the lot of us there for ten years running. Same hotel,

same room, same joke to the desk clerk.

Hey, George, I love you late.

Hi, I'm so sorry I'm late. Oh, but look at you enjoying each other. Yes, we're

having a very nice chat. Absolutely.

Hello, Monty. How are you, darling? Thank you so much, Crystal.

Stuart.

Bye, Monty. Bye. What a lovely surprise, the two of you getting along so well.

Phone, dear.

Real? Good.

Fake. Good.

Real fake.

Oh, that's too easy.

Hi, boys. I just wanted to come by and thank you for your advice.

Worked like a charm.

Oh, glad it worked out.

Your advice to call Michael?

Oh, glad it worked out.

You know, I thought, well, why wait? So I called him, and we're having dinner at

Nucci's tonight, and...

I'm pretty excited. Way to go, Mom.

Yeah. It's my first second date.

I really like this guy. You know, it's just a pity. They're coming first thing

in the morning to rip up the living room floor and... The living room? Yeah,

well, I thought, you know, doing the kitchen. Why not do the whole apartment?

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it's Michael.

Hi, Michael.

Could you hold on a minute? Oh, Mom.

About tonight.

Things move a little faster these days than they used to. Oh, Wally, please.

no, no, no, no. I'm just saying, it's not like your second date with Dad.

You know, you have to be careful.

I was careful on my second date with your father.

Yet here you are.

That's a good one, Mom. You got me.

This is a disaster.

She was kidding, Ben. That never happened.

No, remember the snow globe?

The one Regina took?

We took it.

But I felt guilty, and I couldn't throw it away, so I hid it in my special

hiding place under the floorboard in the living room.

Your special hiding place?

Yeah. You are so lame.

Wait, this is bad.

Yeah, because tomorrow Mom's going to find it. No, no, no, don't panic. Maybe

she'll think Regina put it there. Not when she finds it stashed with baseball

cards and a G .I. Joe.

She might.

We have to tell Regina.

No. Well, what else are we going to do? Break into Mom's apartment tonight and

rip her floor up?

every button, I'm going to snap off your little fingers and put them in the

spokes of your bicycle.

Oh, that finger's going first.

Hey, Regina. Still in a chipper mood, I see.

Remember that little nap I went home to take? Well, the second my head hit the

pillow, the jackhammer started in on the water main outside, so I couldn't take

a shower, couldn't do any laundry, which is why I'm wearing these old jeans,

which are riding higher than Buzz Aldrin.

Oh, darling.

Well, I'm off.

Now, where did my purse go, Regina?

Of course.

Something's missing. The first person you look to is slight -fingered Regina.

Here, press me, Mom.

Oh, no need.

You're looking awfully touchy for someone who didn't steal a snow globe. I

didn't steal the... I said didn't.

25 years I've been putting up with that crap. Look, I know I've asked you guys

this before, but seriously, total amnesty.

You didn't take it, did you?

Regina. No, no.

How could you even think that?

Now I know how you feel when Mom accuses you.

Good, because I was lying about the amnesty.

I would kill you.

I would kill you.

All right, go take a shower, then we can grab a drink for the game.

I've got to calm down before I rip somebody's lungs out.

Regina? What?

We're going to meet you at the bar, because we have to go get something

Boy, it's really coming down out there. I'm glad we decided to stay in.

Yeah, me too.

You know, Lydia, I can't tell you how lovely it is to see you again. Oh, don't

say can't. That's Twitter talk.

I was very happy you called me today. I didn't know if I'd hear from you. Well,

to be honest, I didn't know who was supposed to call who. I mean, the rules

just gotten so complicated lately, haven't they? No, you were supposed to

me.

Well, I better go check on the dinner.

I'll help you. Oh, thank you.

Would you relax?

She's out to dinner.

So, um, should I keep my eyes closed while you go to your secret hiding

Come on, get the other end of this couch. It's right under here.

Oh, Mom. What?

I thought you had a date. I do. We decided to stay in. What are you doing

Well, we were nearby when we realized this would be our last chance to come by

and see the old place before it changes.

I'm only changing the floor.

Only the floor?

Mom, this floor is a huge part of our history. We had a lot of good times on

this guy.

Walking and just standing.

Oh, Michael, these are my sons, Ben and Oliver.

Ben, Oliver, good to see you. We're just leaving.

Well, if you get the chance, you guys should really take a walk outside. It's

turned into a beautiful evening.

Maybe just a nice cab ride around the... Darling, could you grab me a beer on

your trip in here?

I'm already in here.

My trip is complete.

Are you just going to leave your shoes on that chair?

Well, yeah. I mean, they've been walking around all day. I thought they deserved

a rest.

I guess I'll put them away.

Is anything wrong, honey?

Because you were very angry at my shoes. No.

Everything's fine.

I'm just going to go finish dinner.

Phone, dear.

What? Are your legs broken?

Stuart Barnes, if you think I am going to cook...

my mother. The point is, I am not going to infantilize you.

Lydia. What? Is that too big a word for me? No, it is not, sweetie, but it

doesn't sound like a thought of yours. It sounds more like Lydia. Meaning I

can't think for myself?

Oh, of course you can. It's just that everything was fine until she put those

thoughts in your mind. Oh, so now my head is empty? No, I didn't mean that. I

didn't mean that.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I don't know, but it won't be Lake George.

Well, that sauce smells great.

I'm sure it's better than anything we could have got at that restaurant. Well,

don't know about that, but, you know, I certainly am glad we stayed in, just the

two of us.

And whoever the hell that is.

Excuse me.

What? We felt so bad about interrupting earlier, we wanted to come back and say

we're sorry.

And bring you this bottle of wine.

Why don't we just uncork it for you? I am perfectly capable of... No bother.

Hi, Mike.

Who apologizes for interrupting by interrupting again?

We know how important this date is to you, and we wanted to make sure you have

the right wine.

Guatemalan Merlot?

It's the hottest wine there is. The best restaurants in New York can't even find

it.

Nice choice, Mom.

Except the last time you made it, I noticed it needed just a little salt.

shoot, shoot!

The cap must have been loose. Darn it!

Is everything all right in here? No, we just ruined your dinner. Darn it, darn

it, darn it!

Wait a minute.

We have a reservation at Chez Marie in 15 minutes.

All right!

Why don't you two take it? I heard that place is great.

It might be the best.

Come on!

You too, enjoy.

Tell Marco I sent you.

Oh, but don't dawdle. They won't hold that table.

Tick -tock.

I'm so sorry about dinner.

No, that's all right. I just hate to go out in the rain is all. I was having a

very nice time. Yeah, me too. Everything was going so well.

How about I make you breakfast?

Maybe not that well.

No, I was going to make you my special French toast.

Special in the fact that that's the only thing I make well.

That sounds great.

We're only cooking for two, right? Because your sons do pop up every once

while. No, no, just the two of us.

I'll make a big batch.

Crystal. Stuart and I had a huge fight.

He wouldn't put his shoes away, and then the phone rang, and he said, phone's

here, and I said, what, are your legs broken? And he was like, oh, you're just

being...

that a long walk in the rain helped me sort things out.

I just put my foot down like you said, but maybe I got too mad.

We never had a fight before.

Well, you know, you just got to go back there and talk it out.

I guess, but I must look a mess.

Oh, no, no, no. You look great. Oh.

Okay, on second thought, the bathroom is down the hall on the left. Okay. There

you go.

Hey, Lydia.

Yes. It's a good thing you're doing your floors tomorrow. I just spilt that wine

your sons brought over.

Ate right through the finish.

Are you sure that was them under those umbrellas? Of course it was them. I'm

an idiot.

Let's just get the damn snow globe.

Why'd you keep this thing in the first place?

Oh, it's cool.

Played a cute little Christmas song. I used to shake up the snow and pretend I

was inside.

Hurry it up or it's going to be inside you.

Here it is. Ah, great. Let's go.

How dare you meddle with my relationship with Crystal?

Stuart, I'm not meddling in your relationship.

Oh, really? Then how would she get all those crazy ideas about my mother? My

mother was a saint. My mother was ten times the woman you'll ever be. No fat

jokes.

Lydia, where's your maple syrup?

Oh, Michael, this is my ex -husband, Stuart.

Michael, huh?

Oh, listen, I shouldn't meddle, but I have to warn you. If you're going to

a bed with this woman, she makes a loud hacking noise when she sleeps.

She sounds like she's shucking corn right next to you.

I'll just look in the cabinet.

Sir?

Crystal? We have an argument and you run to Lydia?

She started it? This has nothing to do with Lydia.

If you're going to be mad at anybody, you should be mad at me.

And if you're going to get mad anywhere, it should be anywhere but here. Michael

and I would like some privacy.

Yeah, I know, Mom. I reek of beer.

down the street waiting for Oliver and Ben, some idiot spilled a pitcher on me.

I need to borrow a sweater. Lydia, I'm going to have to dip into the raisin

bread if I'm going to make this much French toast.

What's up? What's everybody... Oh, who cares? I haven't slept in so long, I'm

not even sure you're all here right now. Trust me, they're here.

Now, if you wouldn't mind... Crystal, I apologize for the shoes, for the phone.

I should have never tried to put you two together.

What do you mean?

Why do you think I was so late bringing the dog home?

I wanted you two to spend some time together.

You did what?

One argument at a time. Okay, Lydia?

I thought if she would spend five minutes with you, she would see what I

A wonderfully warm, fabulous woman.

Oh, I apologize.

How am I even going to make it to this game? I've been awake for 40 hours

straight. I thought you were going to change your sweater.

What? Oh, my God.

Tell them we can't make it.

Mrs. Beach's snow globe. Who's Mrs. Beach?

I don't know. I'm just looking for the syrup.

Okay, Mom.

I can't lie to you here.

We were going through Regina's stuff and we found this thing. Stop it!

Oliver and I stole it. I hid it under the floorboard. It's been there this

time. You mean all these years I was accusing your sister? Shame on you!

We're sorry. Really sorry.

We're not the people you should be apologizing to.

I agree with your mother. Regina, I wouldn't blame you if... Should we wake

Well, it might be better if we let her sleep and then get it all on the table

when she's thinking a little more clearly.

That way we could still go to the game.

And then straight to the airport.

I'll make you a bubble bath.

Oh, no.

That's the old way.

From now on, you're making us.

A bubble bath.

So, what are we going to do with... This is your daughter, right? Yes, yes, yes,

yes. I think we should just let her sleep. I'm so sorry about this.

I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted to go home.

Hey, look, we still have the reservations for the restaurant, don't

Yes. Yes, we do.

Great idea.

Boy, that does sound like corn shucking.

It's not hereditary.

If you ask me a question like that, you're never going to find out.

You see a game like that once a year.

I know, double overtime.

Awesome!

Oh, it must be on. Oh, that's okay. I'll turn on the lamp.

Oh, this one's out, too.

That's weird.

Why'd you close that? I can't see.

I didn't close it.

She's here.