Original subtitles

Hey, man.

It's after midnight. You're still doing paperwork?

Yeah. My secretary sure picked a good time to quit.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I could tell you my evening with Lana the

UN translator wasn't so great.

Ah, thanks, but you don't have to do that. Good, because it was awesome.

You know how to say no in Latvian? No. Neither does she.

Oh, I gotta get this suit pressed for this weekend.

Mom asked me to be on the bachelor auction at the hospital.

Guess she's calling him the big guns.

Great, she's probably going to ask me, too.

Maybe, yeah.

Maybe? Of course she is.

Okay.

She's not going to ask you and not me.

Yeah, whatever you say, buddy.

Hey, boys.

Well,

Crystal and I had a little spat.

Oh, sorry about that, Dad.

Yeah, anything you want to talk about? Don't get involved.

No, no, no, you know, it's just a little misunderstanding.

Crystal is under the impression I like hearing her talking when I'm watching

Well, I'm sure you guys will work it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just need to be

little more patient. She needs to zippy the lippy.

You mind if I watch down here?

Yeah, Dad, go ahead.

Uh, but not too loud. I need my beauty rest if I want to fetch top dollar at

that auction.

Yeah. You don't want to go on the auction block with those bags under your

I don't have bags.

Fine. Those dark circles.

Are you messing with me?

No. I'm just saying you want to get some rest because not a lot of women want to

buy a date with the Hamburglar.

I'm not letting you get to me because it's not a competition. It's an honor

to be asked.

Okay. And humiliating not to be. Night -night.

All right, Dad, I'm going to bed, too. The movie is coming back on. Please, I

just want to see how it ends. Okay, good night. Good night.

Of course I'm tired. Dad left the TV on all night.

Oh, who's making fun of my white noise machine now?

Just pray it doesn't hurt your chances at the bachelor auction.

I know you're just trying to get in my head, but trust me, it's not working.

Hi, kids. How you doing?

Ollie, you look exhausted.

Oh, boys, check out that cute little brunette. Oh, don't do that, Mom. It's

upsetting enough when Dad does it.

Oh, no, it's not for you.

She's new at the hospital. I met her at a luncheon today.

She's bright, she's funny, she's accomplished, and she's a lesbian.

Wow, Mom, Dad made you that bitter?

Not for me, for Regina.

Regina's been looking for someone for so long.

So when she gets here, I'm going to introduce the two of them. Oh, that's a

great plan if you never want them to date. What do you mean?

It's true, Mom. Anyone you set her up with, she immediately finds fault with.

Remember Candace, the golf pro? Oh.

Aside from those overdeveloped forearms, I thought she was delightful.

And Regina wanted nothing to do with her, just like Karen and Marsha and...

Yeah, I know.

No, no, I get the point. All right, Ollie, I want you to go over there, hit

her. When she turns you down, you introduce her to Regina.

What if she doesn't turn me down?

We'll risk it.

Hello there.

I'm Oliver Barnes. I'm a cosmetic surgeon at the hospital.

Do I know you from there?

Could be. I just started there.

Carla Munson. I'm a radiologist.

Oh, well, that certainly explains why you're glowing.

And why I can see right through you.

Look, I'm flattered, but I actually don't date guys.

Oh, man.

Hey, Ellen.

Hey, Regina.

Come here.

Regina, this is Carla from the hospital. I just hit on her and she shot me down.

I feel so stupid.

Don't. I just told you I was gay.

Hey, wait a minute. Regina, you're gay, too.

You are. You must love flannel shirts. John, you must love women's basketball.

Ganging up on the breeder.

I love it.

Fish, barrel, bang.

Holly, you're priceless.

Oh, speaking of which, Ben, I've been meaning to talk to you about that

Oh, you have?

Yeah, we need a new emcee.

What?

The one we had dropped out and we'll never get a new guy this late. You don't

want me to be a bachelor?

No, I'm sorry.

It's doctor's only.

Who made that rule?

It's not important.

Anyway, I'll give you a chance to use those auctioneering skills you learned

summer camp that year.

Well, I was wasting my time learning how to throw a football and unhook a bra.

That sounds good. I'll give you a call.

Oh, my God, Ollie, thank you so much. She's so cute. I just want to pick her

and put her in my pocket.

Well, I'm glad you like her.

Who's that, darling? A woman. Ollie introduced me to.

A sweet, hot doctor, Mom. I'm like a certain she -man in golf cleats.

Someday, darling, maybe I'll figure out what you like.

Let's start with two eyebrows.

I gotta run, but Ollie, thank you. I owe you. In fact, you know what? Stop by

later. You know Nadia, that cute pharmaceutical rep? Yeah?

She just gave me some eye cream that should really help with that raccoon

you got going on.

Hey, Dad, what's going on?

Nothing. I just needed a little breather from Crystal, that's all. Uh, Dan, I

know avoidance is not the answer, but come on. Dan, if your dad calls, don't

tell him I'm... Oh.

Oh. Crystal.

Well, no, no. If you need some time to yourself, I understand. I'll just go

upstairs. I'll work on the employee evaluations that somebody forgot to

me of. How come?

Every time you forget something, it's my fault for not reminding you? Guys,

guys. Don't get involved.

You've been so unreasonable lately. Ben, you're a couple's counselor.

Tell him he's wrong.

Look, it seems to me the problem is you guys spend so much time together, work

and home, it's hard.

And you're both such good people that when something bothers you, you don't

anything. You just suppress it all until, finally, you explode.

Well, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it, Crystal Kins? Yeah.

Um, by the way, when you call me Crystal Kins, it kind of makes me want to punch

you in the heart.

I'm going to file that away.

You know, just be honest with each other and don't let the little things turn

into big things.

Thanks, Ken. Yeah, and...

Your next colonoscopy?

It's on me.

Where the hell is Regina? She's supposed to bring me that eye cream.

Ollie, will you relax about the stupid auction? It's why you're not sleeping.

Yeah, that and finding out who the other bachelors are. They got Murphy, the

triathlete, Strickland. They even got Donahue, the orthopedist. That guy's a

piece of ass.

Dropped off Monty. I thought I'd come by. See how you're doing for that

tomorrow night? Yeah, I'm ready.

I spent last night watching a hog auction on the Livestock Channel to

on my auctioneering skill.

Oh, that's what that squealing was in there.

I am hugely relieved.

Hey, Ellen. Yeah, yeah, you got the stuff?

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Pretty strong stuff. Go easy, huh? Yeah, yeah, it's burning my eyes.

But that's good.

The burning means it's working.

Hey, Carla.

Ow!

Carla, this is my other brother, Ben.

Hi, nice to meet you. And this is my mom. We met at a luncheon last week. Oh,

yes, right. I thought you looked familiar.

Hey, Carla, how are you liking the hospital?

So far, so good.

I'm really liking the doctors.

Excuse me, I've got to take this.

Do you know Carla is on a national medical fellowship?

Nana would be so happy I finally got myself a fella.

Hey, Ollie, thanks again.

You really know how to pick them. Yeah, this one's a keeper.

Oh, well, glad you like her. You know, I'm thinking of taking her to La Cucina

tonight. Oh, that's such a romantic spot. I know the owner. I could call

get you a great table. Mom, why don't we get some wine and cheese out here?

Could you give me a hand? Oh, sure.

What are you doing? Are you trying to drive Regina away from her? What are you

talking about?

You've got to go easy on the approval and the compliment.

Come on, they're already together.

Can't I even say I like this girl?

Mom, do you want to fulfill your dream of being the mother of the bride at a

Hawaiian commitment ceremony?

Hey, Mom, don't worry about calling the restaurant.

I just changed my mind. I think I'm just going to stay home tonight.

On your own?

Yeah, I'm just kind of tired. Well, that's probably for the best.

What's that for tonight?

Oh, it's just...

Oh, nothing. It's not important.

No. God, what?

Well, I mean, you did say that Carla was really kind of full of herself. I mean,

come on.

I'm a national medical fellow. We get it.

Okay, she didn't bring that up. I did. And who told you? Oh, you know what? You

are unbelievable. You always find something. I wasn't going to say a word.

dragged it out of me. And besides, when does my opinion matter anyway? It

doesn't, Mom. You know what? I like her. I'm not going to let you ruin it.

I hope that went really well on you.

Not asleep, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm working on the employee evaluations.

As your employee, I'd like to give you my own evaluation, Dr. Barnes.

You know what? This can wait till later.

You know, we've been fighting a lot lately.

and I thought we could use a little... R &R?

That's right.

And you know what you get when you put R &R together?

Hey,

is that my evaluation?

Uh, yeah, yeah. But you know what? We can do this later, sweetie.

But Stuart, it's the last one. Don't you want to finish what you started?

I'd rather finish what you just started.

Look, Crystal, you know what? I cannot do this in front of you. All right.

Stuart? This is just what Ben was saying yesterday. We need to be honest.

Go on. Fill it out.

Okay. All right. Let's see.

Utilizes work time efficiency.

Okay. A five.

Oh, yeah.

Demonstrates initiative.

Five. Do it. Be honest.

All right. All right. If I had to.

Organization. Four.

See? That doesn't bother me.

Wow. Ben was right.

Yeah. All right. Takes instruction.

Four. Here we go. We're being all open and honest and we're... Two.

Yeah. Two.

What's a two for? Oh, that's just punctuality.

Punctuality? Well, you have to admit that sometimes you're late.

Like when?

Like, uh, last week when we were meeting at the movies, you were late.

Oh, that wasn't for work.

Yeah, but it was during work hours.

Oh. Well, maybe I just wasn't as excited as you to see another boring...

Ashley Judd movie.

Relates well to others.

Two. Okay.

We're done here.

So what do you think the chances are that we can... I give it a one.

Hey, Ollie, you excited?

Did you see Dr. Davis? That fat tub lost weight.

He was my safety net. I could be low bid now.

You're going to be fine. No, man, I can't do it.

This time I'm really out of magic.

You just have to get the crowd on your side. When you come out on stage,

compliment the bachelor before you.

Also, work the crowd a little bit. Get them fired up.

Oliver, are you getting any of this? You look confused.

I self -botoxed.

What? Yeah, I needed a little boost, so I injected myself a few hours ago.

Where? Everywhere.

It's just starting to kick in.

Does my face look years younger yet?

Some of it does.

Hey, check it out.

Dr. John Miles, join me on my yacht for a moonlit cruise around the Statue of

Liberty.

You're bidding on a date with a guy?

No, I'm bidding on a date with you. That guy's just going to drive us around in

his boat.

You like another drink? Sure thing.

You will be after this drink.

Hi, darling.

Hi. Something happen to Carla? No, she's here.

Yeah, well, I saw the way she was dressed, and I thought maybe her

burned down, and she had to stop by Goodwill on the way over here.

You know what, Mom? Every shot you take just pushes me and Carla a little closer

together.

I'd better watch what I say, then.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

I injected myself with Botox.

Lots and lots of Botox.

Just try moving your face.

Okay.

This is me smiling. Oh, God.

No, this is me freaking out.

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, just calm down.

I can't tell you. Calm me down.

Still freaking out.

I am so screwed. Now no one's going to bid on me. Ollie, Ollie, come on. Women

love you. Even Carla was saying how cute you were when you hit on her. That

doesn't count. Mom made me.

Mom made you what? Nothing.

What did she say?

Ow, ow, ow. Regina, that really hurts.

Okay.

This is ridiculous.

Mom wanted to set you up with Carla, but she knew you'd never go for it if it

was her idea.

That's crazy.

Yes, it's crazy, but she's right.

So she's just pretending to hate her so that... No, no, no, look, let it go.

You and Carla are great together. Be happy.

Now I need to go find a bathroom because Botox is working its way down my face

and I'm starting to drool.

Hey, uh, Mom, you know, I was just talking to Carla and I'm starting to see

you mean. She is really full of herself.

What?

Don't gloat about this, but you're right. I think maybe I'm going to break

off with her.

Oh, no, no, no.

There's no reason to listen to everything I say. I mean, sometimes I

resentful of other people's happiness because I'm so lonely myself.

But Carla's so full of herself. Look at me. I'm a national fellow.

You know, plus she's flaky and annoying. Regina?

Carla, I didn't mean that. Then why did you say it?

I was trying to get back at my mom.

You were?

Yeah, look, she's been trashing you all week.

Well, isn't that nice to know? No, no, I wasn't trashing you, because I thought

that was the only way that I could get you two together.

Oliver got us together. Yeah, only after she sent him over so he could hit on

you and then he could introduce us.

Which is pretty funny when you think about it.

This is too weird. Call it, wait, Regina.

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to The Bachelor Auction.

I'm your emcee, Ben Barnes.

First, I need to make one thing clear.

I am not for sale.

Okay.

Why don't we bring out our first bachelor, radiologist Norman

All right, ladies, let's get out those checkbooks.

We're going to start the bidding at $100. Do I have a $100 bid?

I got a $100 bid now, too.

I got a $100 bid now, too. Now, two, here, two. Another bid now, three. Now,

three. Another bid now, four.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that little bastard's a really good auctioneer.

Gina, I feel really terrible about this.

I don't think Carla would be good for you. Look, it's all right, Mom.

If he had told me that, I never would have given her a chance.

What does it say about me?

What does it say about me? My only daughter?

Just like anything I like.

They haven't all been bad.

You know Candace the golfer?

I was actually kind of missing her the other day.

Really? Yeah. I was having trouble getting the lid off a jar of mayonnaise.

Well, I was the same way with my mother. I had to do the opposite of everything

she said.

Really? Yeah.

I remember once she told me if I married your father, I'd live to regret it.

I guess the moral of that story is listen to your mother.

Now, ladies, Dr. Robert Winslow is an award -winning researcher specializing

hearing impairment.

Death since childhood, he has spent time... Wireless hours preventing

loss throughout the world.

Can I say something?

I can't say I hear as well as the other bachelors, but if you're going to stay

with me, I promise no one will try harder.

Lady, we're going to start the bidding at

$100. $100 bid now, too.

$200 bid now, too. $200 bid now, five.

$200 bid now, five.

Can I talk to you for a moment? Look, I really don't want to get in the middle

of some bizarre mother -daughter thing. I just want to say, Gina's really worth

it.

Sold for $5 ,000, a new auction record.

There goes a very lucky lady.

All right, let's bring in our next bachelor, my brother, Dr. Oliver Barn.

Where's Oliver?

Ah, here he is.

Gina, I really like you, and don't hold her family against her.

We may have our flaws, but we're not monsters.

How about this guy, huh?

Let's give it up for this guy.

I can't hear you.

Oh, come on, ladies. I can't hear you.

No, I can hear you.

Okay, let's start the bidding at $120 bid.

I got a $20 bid now.

Yes, you did. $20 bid now. There he is.

Come on, Ollie. It wasn't that bad.

I got booed from mocking a deaf guy.

And my mom bought me with a pity bid of $50.

I need your help, Ben.

That honesty advice?

Not so hot so.

Stuck your nose in and got what you deserved.

This is the first time I smiled all night.

Night, guys.

Night, son.

Guys, it's midnight.

What's going on?

All right. You know, we did that honesty thing that you told us about. We had

the biggest fight of our lives.

I have thoughts a lady shouldn't have.

I'll make a pot of coffee. We can talk this all through.

But I have to be blunt.

You guys are fighting at work, you're fighting at home, and it seems to be

getting worse.

There may be no easy solution to this.

Wow.

I never thought it would come to this.

You know, Crystal, we have had the most unbelievable run.

But I think we have to face facts.

Are you going to say what I think you're going to say?

Yes, sweetie.

You're fired.

Oh, Stuart.

Now, I know how hard this is on you guys, and believe me, if there's

anything at all that I can do to help, I will.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Benjamin Byron's office. Crystal speaking.

Oh, you sound sad.

Oh, all right. I'll have him call you.

Great work, you guys. I'll see you next Thursday.

I'll be back with my two.

Bye. I'll see you next week.

Yeah, next week.

We'll miss it. Take a picture, Frank. It'll last longer. She smiled at me. I'm

not used to that.

I really think this new gal is going to work out. Shut up.