Original subtitles

Do you guys mind if I steal this chair?

Not at all.

Don't you work at the hospital?

Yeah. Oliver Barnes. Oh, Mary Tash. I just transferred here.

That's a small world.

How's that?

Well, I'm an anesthesiologist and you're a knockout.

Excuse me?

Listen, since I'm new to town, do you think maybe you could show me around?

Yeah, sure.

Do you think maybe you have a number? Oh, yeah.

You can call me on my phone.

Looking forward to it.

Don't you want the chair? I got what I came for.

Did you see that? I did. Did you see that?

I was just sitting here eating a burger when I didn't... Now...

Don't make that jealous face.

No, it's not that. It's the stomach thing still.

Oh, you're getting that again?

I could be serious.

You really shouldn't ignore... Hey, Dad, did you see the blonde who just left?

She was beautiful. She just hit on me.

I'm just sitting here eating a burger. Went out of nowhere.

Are you going to go on like this all day?

I've got to be honest with you. I am.

Look who's here.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, happy gas.

Hello, everyone.

Well, I got to run. Remember, tonight the play is at 8. 8.

Isn't he the cutest?

Of the two of you? Yes.

Hey, what's everybody doing this weekend? I'll start.

Crystal and I are going to go to Donald Chadwell's Beach Estate.

Oh, don't tell me you won that raffle. I bought 30 tickets for that. What a

waste. It's not like you threw the money away. It's going to aid the homeless.

I'm homeless too, Ben. Beach homeless.

That place is so romantic. Private beach, hot tub. I want to go with Jack.

Oh, I wish I could take you all, but it's only got seven bedrooms.

Now, Stuart, you have fun, but remember, no swimming for 30 minutes after you

eat, which for you means no swimming.

See ya.

Have you got that pain again?

Yeah. Didn't I tell you to have that treated? I am treating it. I'm taking

ginger and brewer's yeast. It's homeopathic.

Hmm. I heard pathetic at the end, but what was the first part?

Homo?

Come on, Benny. Ben, you've got to go to the doctor. If for nothing else to rule

out ulcer, Crohn's disease, irritable bowel, a colony of parasites, is there

nausea? There is now.

Come on. You cannot be afraid of the doctor. The doctor is your friend. You

who is not your friend?

Lupus.

Although you did have a friend named Lupus growing up.

I'm fine.

I can barely even feel it.

Okay, that does it. I'm picking you up at five. Speaking of getting picked up.

Yeah, we heard it.

Dinner sounds great.

Let me give you my number.

Do you have a pen?

Sure.

It's one of the benefits of being a pharmaceutical rep.

Need a pad? Ah, how about that?

Cure for male impotence bringing two women together.

Well, I should probably get back to work.

I'll see you tonight.

Nice going, honey.

Yeah, I deserve to have a little fun. I just spent the last hour yanking a

tapeworm out of a guy.

Hope I got it all.

Okay, I'm out of here. Oh, come on. I'm kidding.

Take your jacket off. Sit down.

I need to get a blood sample. It'll take five seconds. Blood? What? No. You know

how I feel about blood. It's the whole reason I dropped out of med school.

Yeah, that and the cadaver you threw up in.

Oh, no.

Don't blame Ben for being queasy. I was queasy myself when he quit med school

two days after the tuition check cleared. Oh, can we please? What's that?

What? Your eye. What's wrong with my eye? It's all red and puffy. What?

Never in my medical career have I seen anything. Got it. Thanks, Dad. No

problem.

Boy, that wasn't so bad. See?

Maya. Can we put a rush on this? We'll get the results in about an hour.

Oh, wait a minute. You know what? Give it back.

Have the lab run some tests to rule out anything that... Oh, boy. I got you. All

right. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, thanks, Dad.

I'm okay.

I, on the other hand, may need a gurney.

Again, Dad, I am so sorry.

You know what? I'm sorry, too. I should have let you hit the floor.

Hey!

How'd the hospital go?

Oh, it was just indigestion, aggravated by ginger and brewer's yeast.

Dad has a hernia. I do not have a hernia.

What I have is a thingy, you know, more like a pulled muscle, which I'm now

going to put ice on, which you do not do for a hernia, thus proving my point.

How'd that happen?

I packed out and he caught me.

You passed out? Can't we just change the subject? I don't want to change the

subject. What is with the robe? I'm on a date with Diner Girl.

I didn't even have to call her. She called me. She's here right now? Yeah.

I better get back in there. You know the ladies. They're cuddling.

See ya, hot stuff. Gotta run.

Oh, I thought we were going to dinner.

I'd say we're already past the polite conversation stage, don't you think?

Yeah, that is true. A lot of the words we used in there were pretty darn rude.

I'll give you a call. Okay.

Oh!

So that was just a straight -up booty call? She didn't even want dinner? How

perfect is that? She's like a guy.

Who you just had sex with? Yeah, exactly. No!

Hi, boys. Ollie, I think I just bumped into one of your lady friends.

Well, how do you know she was Oliver? She could be mine.

Is she?

No.

Well, look, we're not staying long. Ollie, we just have to borrow a tie.

I do actually own some ties, but your mother just told me in the cab that she

changed our after -theater reservations to Chez Luc.

Oh, come on. I mean, it's not snooty. It's charming.

And the place he wanted to go to was Moroccan. Every restaurant in New York

more Moroccan than Chez Luc.

Listen, we've got to hurry up. We're going to be late for the play. I know, I

know, I know.

We will get there. I know a shortcut. Ollie, please. I just need a tie. Oh,

look. Look, here's a tie and a shirt.

And a pair of underpants.

Well, at least we know it's a lucky tie.

Okay. See? I'm all better.

Stuart, what's the matter with you? He's got a hernia.

I do not have a hernia. What I have is a pulled muscle, which will feel a lot

better when we spend the weekend at the beach estate.

Stuart, you look terrible.

Here, let me take a look at you. Okay, slowly, slowly. Moving backwards hurts.

Ow. Here.

Let me see it out.

Ow, ow!

Stuart, there's no doubt about it. You've got an inguinal hernia. You have

get this fixed.

I do not.

Come on, Dad. You're not afraid of a little surgery, are you? What, are you

kidding? He won't even have his wisdom teeth taken out. The man has like 40

teeth in there.

Wow.

I never noticed that.

You're like a shark.

Come on, Dad, you're going to be fine.

You've got to let me help you. I'll make some calls, I'll pull a few strings,

and we'll have you on the operating table by Friday afternoon.

Thank you very much for your help, Lydia, but I don't want to leave that

house empty.

I think I can help you with that, too.

I'm very proud of how brave you're being, Stuart.

Well, you know, when you really need it and you look down deep, you can find the

courage. Did he take that sedative yet? Are you kidding? He licked the cup it

came in.

I'm Ben.

I'm Wendy. Oh, hi.

Uh, listen, can you show me where the cafeteria is? Ben, you've been there a

hundred times.

So, Regina, how was your date the other night? Oh, Connor's amazing.

She just got out of a bad relationship with some chick named Dana.

Just the way I like him. Sucks being damaged.

Oh, man, thanks.

Hey, Dad.

Have you met Mary yet? You know what? I don't think this is the time to meet one

of your lady friends.

Actually, Dr. Barnes, I'll be your anesthesiologist.

Now, which one of these legs is coming off?

Wow, that's funny.

Could I have seconds of this sedative?

Seconds, huh?

Like father, like son.

So, how's my patient doing?

Your patient?

Well, didn't they tell you? Dr.

Agnew's under the weather.

Did he get sick in this hospital?

He did, didn't he? This place is dirtier than Calcutta.

Dad, you're going to be fine. I'll see you on the other side. Huh?

The recovery room.

Hi, Stuart. How you doing?

Oh, thanks, Crystal. Jack, what are you doing here? Filling in for Agnew. Oh,

really? Don't worry. I'll be done in plenty of time to beat the traffic to

Hamptons. Oh, yeah. Isn't it wonderful?

He's in a rush.

Well, it's only a two -hour drive.

three if we take one of your shortcuts.

Oh, what? That again?

So we missed the curtain.

And much of what happened after they lifted it.

It was supposed to be a whodunit, but for us it was a who -did -what.

You know what? That's thinking history.

Let's remember, we're all on the same team here. Team Stewart.

Huh. What, huh?

Well, I see you're going for misrepair.

You have a problem with that?

Oh, no. No, no. Not at all. I mean, they're all on... Not my hernia.

Okay, we'll rethink the team idea.

You know, I just would have thought you would have gone with primary repair.

Now you're questioning my medical judgment?

No, no, no. God forbid I should question your medical expertise. Is it necessary

to make my doctor angry?

You're really something, you know. You just have to be right all the time,

you? Your parents must have really done a number on you.

Do you know what your problem is?

You don't know how to handle being with a strong woman. Yes, and your problem is

that you're not used to being with a strong man. No offense, Stuart.

None taken. I had that coming.

Stuart, are you going to take that from him?

What, I should yell at him now? In a minute, he's going to carve me up like a

Halloween pumpkin.

No, no, no. Don't worry, Stuart.

Jack is a wonderful surgeon, as he'd be happy to tell you over three courses and

a chocolate souffle.

You know what? Maybe we should just skip our little beach house weekend.

Fine. At last, we have something we agree on.

Yes. So do Stuart and I.

I'm not going to panic.

He's a professional.

I'm going to be fine.

They just kicked over a teddy bear display.

Okay, that does it. Go get my pan.

You okay, Mom?

I'll survive.

Of course you will.

You know what'll help?

Get rid of all reminders of him.

No pictures, no clothing.

You want the keys to the beach house, don't you?

And the healing begins.

Five minutes until they will me out, Lydia. Last chance to insult my orderly

before he shaves me.

Remember Wendy the Nerf?

I'll be seeing her tonight.

Oh, that's great. I'll probably be seeing my grandmother tonight.

Benji, I need to unwind. Come play chess with your mother.

Oh, thanks, Mom, but I kind of want to stay in my good mood.

I know how to play.

You do?

Yes. I used to play with the kids when I was a candy striper. Oh, okay. Well,

have a seat. Okay.

So, um, which one's the queen?

They said I learned on it with Princess Leia.

The one with the pointy hat.

Oh, like a crown. How about that?

I don't know why you're mad at me.

I'm not mad. I just thought that when I invited you to the most romantic beach

house ever, you might show a little more enthusiasm.

I'm excited, okay? If I could go back in time, I'd show more enthusiasm.

This... It's a mild sedative, Dr. Bond.

In a couple minutes, you'll feel yourself drifting off. Oh, boy.

Just hold my hand, Stuart. I won't let go.

Don't move.

I'll be right back.

Oh, don't tell me you're still upset.

No. Good.

I just think you could be a little more sensitive about my feelings.

This can't be happening again.

Look, why don't you take a walk?

Buy yourself something nice.

I don't need any more shoes. I just need you to listen.

If you're going to be this needy, maybe we should take a step back. You're

dumping me?

Oh, my God, I'm going to die.

It's going to be all right, Stuart.

I'll be right here with you when you wake up. Crystal, your move.

Fine.

Knight takes Yoda, checkmate.

What? How did you do what?

Dr. Tesh, the OR is ready.

Wendy, is Italian okay with you? Yeah, I love it. Great. There's a couple places

I thought of. There's Giorgio's downtown, or there's a great pizza place

Bleecker. Ben!

Yeah, you're right, Dad. Nobody goes there anymore. Oh, right, right.

You know, there's no reason why we couldn't get together for an

Don't even think about it.

Women.

I know. Can you believe her?

I was talking about you.

You don't think anything's wrong, do you? No, you don't have to worry,

Dr. Arbogast is a world -class surgeon.

Oh, please.

He's good. He's good. He's good.

I think I'll get a little snack.

Not till we finish the game.

I don't feel like playing chess anymore.

Crystal, I don't know what kind of crazy version of chess you were taught, but

in real chess, it's two out of three.

Oh, hey, there's... Connor, I'm going to tell her about the beach house. Wow,

cute. Beautiful skin. She better bring some sunblock.

Yeah, the sun's going to have to get through me first.

Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know I scored us this awesome beach

house for the weekend.

Uh, Regina.

Who's she?

Dana, this is Dr. Regina Barnes.

Mrs. Dana?

Your ex is a guy?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We had one fight and you go lesbo on me?

No, no, Dana, just wait.

Gina, look, the other night was great, but it was just a one -time thing. I was

just curious.

Great. So, what am I, some sort of lesbian test drive?

Sorry.

Well, thanks for stopping by the dealership. Tell your friends.

It's okay with me if you two want a hug. Oh, gross.

You know, it hasn't been the best day, but...

I really find it kind of relaxing to just immerse myself in a good game. Get

Son of a... Oh,

my goodness.

I don't believe it. She's straight.

Tough break, Gina.

Is she seeing anyone?

Too soon, right? Too soon.

Well, this is a banner day for the Barnes family.

Three breakups, of which mine, of course, is the most pathetic.

First chance at a relationship I've had since the divorce, and I sabotage it.

Why do I always have to have the last word?

Why am I so competitive?

I know what you mean. I'm competitive, too.

Not as much as I am.

You had a few weeks. I got dumped after one date.

What are you crying about? She decided she was straight.

Yeah, but that's like the fifth time that's happened. It's like I'm

intentionally attracting people I can't possibly have a future with, even the

ones that I thought had potential, like Jackie and Maxine. Oh, please.

Those two are both commitment phobes. They just had a baby together.

Well, I hope they didn't use Maxine's eggs. I wouldn't want to see that nose

a baby.

You two get no sympathy from me. You only think you're not relationship

material. I know I'm not. How?

This week I dated a woman who is me, and I hated it.

It's really silly to compete over this. I mean, let's face it. Every one of us

is just relationship poison.

I mean, you know, if you got the last name of Barnes, someone should just put

sticker on your forehead saying, caution, date at your own risk.

I think Ben seems okay.

Mm -mm.

I live with the guy.

Behind that sweet little face is a whole lot of crazy.

Hello, Wendy.

More like goodbye, Wendy.

No.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hey, Wendy, hold up.

Don't tell me the beach house keeps back in place. Yeah, but... Fantastic.

Listen, this may sound crazy, but if you're free for the weekend... Oh, I'm

working. Okay, but we're still good for tonight.

Actually, no.

Um, I got a... No.

What was that?

Freak, you're better off.

Well, it's not often I get dumped before the first date.

Why do I get the feeling I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with this

guy? What, you think I'm looking forward to the next 50 years with you either?

Well, at least you have each other.

At least you have 50 years.

You people!

Wine, wine, wine!

It's a minor procedure, and yet you're all here for Stuart, just like you'd all

be here for any of you.

I know you all want to find somebody, but at least you've got each other until

you do.

Wow. How long have I been sitting on that?

Well, it needed to be said.

No, this... This is...

Are you okay?

I was a model patient.

Why are you restrained?

I'm told there was an incident.

I need to get him to his room.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm okay now.

That's so sweet.

Yeah. If that goofy bastard can find someone, there's hope for the rest of

Well, should we join him? Yeah.

I didn't want to say so, but I was a little scared there. Hey, surgery.

Life and death makes you realize what's important.

So true.

Leave the chess set, Mom.

Fine.

I guess this weekend's looking up, huh?

Couple of single guys heading out to the Hamptons with a couple of single

ladies.

Okay, I say we grab a quick breakfast and then we hit the road.

Yeah, there's no good way to spin this.

I'm really glad we're doing this. You know, a weekend away cleared the air.

feeling better already.

Or we could just grab something on the way. Yeah.