Original subtitles

Hey, cottage cheese. Dad, you on a diet?

Yeah, you know what? Crystal bought me a new bathing suit for our cruise next

month. It's a little daring. Ooh, sexy, huh? Very.

If I wore it today, I'd clear a pool faster than a piranha.

Oh, great.

Lou Pimsky at the counter.

With the snot?

He's my patient.

Anytime he sees me out in public, he wants to chat.

He's always blurring the line between patient and friend.

He's also blurring the line between person and toucan.

Good morning, everyone.

There you are. Take my shirt. Oh, thank you, darling.

Oh, dieting again, Stuart?

Yes, and this time I'm sticking with it.

We're being audited by the IRS.

Can I get some ketchup for these french fries?

For the last year, we were married. The year that our accountant retired.

And you let this one persuade us to use the female linebacker she was dating.

Oh, right, that big girl. What was her name?

Tess. Short for testosterone.

I'll tell her you said that.

No, please.

Kidding.

The audit isn't for a couple of weeks, but I think we should get on it right

now. Stuart, why don't you come by tonight and bring the returns?

Don't you have them?

We were getting divorced.

You said you wanted our files. You can make copies of them.

You do know where they are, don't you?

Of course I do.

Are you sure you don't have them?

Do it and find those files. Now, Regina, track down that ex -girlfriend of

yours. We're going to need her in on this. But she's not an accountant

Who cares? She'll terrify the auditor.

See ya.

Perfect. Look, if he sits down, I'll pretend to leave and walk around the

Hey, Ben.

Lou, how are you?

Kind of blue.

You've been my internet girlfriend?

I finally met her yesterday.

Nothing. It's like her picture.

Boo. I said what? What? Your daughter couldn't make it, so she sent you?

She got all hurt, and then she left.

And who had to pay for her soup? Just who?

I have to go?

But we will take this up in our next session. Oh, okay.

Hey. Hi.

So how do you know Ben?

I'm his brother. Oh.

You a therapist, too? Nope, a cosmetic surgeon.

Really?

You mind if I ask you something?

I feel kind of awkward, but I've always wondered. Yes, I can absolutely take

care of that.

I was just going to ask how much a plastic surgeon makes.

Oh.

Take care of what?

Nothing.

You meant my nose, right?

No!

There's a bigger priority?

You know, I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

It's okay. It's okay.

I've always thought about changing it. It just seems so expensive.

You know, sometimes if you want something bad enough, you find a way.

Save somewhere else.

I guess I could cut a few things out.

Hey, since I know Ben, you think you can knock off, say, 30 %?

I'd need to knock off at least 30%.

Hey, look who's back. You forget something?

Yes, I did. I forgot my phone.

Oh, your phone. Yes, there it is.

Brother.

Well, see you on Monday.

Yeah, about that. I don't think I'm going to come to therapy anymore.

It's not you. I just can't afford it. So thanks so much, and I'll see you.

Suddenly he can't afford me?

He knew I blew him off and felt hurt.

Damn, I handled that so poorly.

Ben, wait.

Can I have my phone back?

Hey, Dad.

I'm a little short on time, so let's eat at the diner. Oh, no. Too risky. Your

mother might be there, and I still haven't found those tax records.

Can you believe you lost 20 years of tax returns?

Oh, sure. Add to that the phrase, uh, lip -dittling pea brains, and you'll

the last message your mother left for me. Hey! Hey!

Lou?

You notice anything different?

Yeah. I can see both your eyes without having to shift my head.

Your brother's a genius.

Oliver did this? I gotta run. I'm late for lunch. With the woman!

Can you believe this?

Oliver stole my patient.

No, I don't think that Oliver meant to do that. Well, then why didn't he tell

he was treating him? I've got to go talk to him. I'm sorry about lunch. Oh,

don't be. Like you always say, when you've got a family conflict, meet it

on. Right away.

Don't let it... Mom's coming.

I'll see you later.

Hey, Ben.

Hi, Carlotta. Can you tell Oliver I need to speak with him?

He's with a patient. I'll let him know you're here. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Can I ask you a question?

Uh, sure.

What do you think of my breasts?

Excuse me?

Honest opinion. You won't hurt my feelings.

I'm not even here.

Come on. Too big, too small, too low.

No, they're, they're great.

Proportional. Yeah, too big can be cheesy.

Yeah, tell that to my boyfriend. For him, there's no such thing as too big or

too high.

I don't know whether to get silicone or helium.

How do you feel about it?

Me? I'm just kind of used to them. But, I mean, if Frankie thinks it'll help...

Help what?

Oh, going through kind of a rough patch.

You know, if your relationship needs work, fixing your body isn't going to

You don't cure a headache by getting your hair done.

Oh, I like that.

It's pithy.

I'm a couples counselor.

Oh. You know, if you and your boyfriend ever want to talk...

Ben, what brings you here?

Oliver, I think we need to talk.

Sure thing, buddy. Hang on.

I'll be right with you. You know what? Actually, I was just leaving.

But on your appointment.

No, I changed my mind. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I don't believe her. Three consults and she just bails on me. I hate that.

Oh, so, uh, so what's up?

Don't fill up on lunch today, because I'm baking lasagna for dinner.

Hello, come in.

Ben, this is Frankie.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming.

No, thank you.

Oh, this is very nice.

Let's get started.

Frankie, I'm sensing you're a little reluctant to be here.

No, not at all. My girlfriend goes to get the new breath that I got her as an

Easter present. She comes back, says boob jobs off.

Now we're getting counseling.

Like I died and went to heaven.

Maybe I don't want my chest any bigger. Ben here says my breasts are perfect

just the way they are.

No kidding.

Just to clarify that. I asked him, okay? I was conducting a poll.

He's so jealous.

She exaggerates.

Last week, this guy asked me for change for the meter. The next thing he knows,

his arm's in a cast. I had nothing to do with that. Oh, like you didn't tell

Joey Sarducci. Hey, no names!

What are you writing?

Nothing.

Hey, Mom.

I feel like maybe... Hang on, sweetie. I'm trying to reach your father.

Stuart, you dithering lummox.

You can free my calls all you want, but that tax audit is tonight.

You are a complete scatterbrain, and if you do not call me back, that will cease

to be a figure of speech.

Why does he run from me?

Well, if it's any comfort from having a lousy week, too.

Hang on.

I should be in surgery right now. My patient decided out of the blue to

Oh, my God!

So this jealousy issue's been a pattern in your relationship.

From, like, day one.

Oh, man, I don't believe this.

Haven't you lived in the city long enough to know you always look before

kneel? No, the woman canceled on me. She's in there with Ben.

He stole my patient.

Darn it.

You don't know that.

What? I'm just supposed to sit there while some pervert fills up your feet?

was a shoe salesman, all right? He's crazy. It's like he wants to kill any

who even looks at me funny.

Stuart, honey, I'm here. Where are you?

I'm not mad. I was just teasing.

The auditor's on her way over, so we have to prepare.

So hurry home, okay?

I'm going to snap his neck like a breadstick.

What's this for? Oh, you said you had a bad week. I know whenever I feel

stressed out, looking at Orchid always calms me down.

My apartment looks like Hawaii right now.

Ollie, Ollie.

Can I hide down here? I'm supposed to meet your mother upstairs, but lately

doesn't miss a chance to crawl right up my list of favorite people.

All right, now, I just spoke to Regina.

She's found her tax return. She's on her way over.

So is the auditor.

Hey, guys.

Ben, just the man I want to see. I was hoping you could help me find something

misplaced. What?

Keys? Wallet? No, this would be a blonde, about 27, who wanted me to fix

boobs until you talked her out of it. Okay, hang on. No, no, you hang on. What

kind of a weasel steals a patient from his own brother?

So you're saying that's a bad thing? A very bad thing. Now, uh, are there two

little words you'd like to say to me about now?

Yes. And here they are.

Lou Pinsky!

What am I missing? Is that slang?

Didn't think I'd know about that. did you? So that's what happened. You found

out about Lou and you stole Roberta to get back at me.

It had nothing to do with you. She had serious self -esteem issues.

Which I was helping her with. Helping? That's a lot. Oh, hey.

When women leave my office, they hold their heads high. That's because they're

trying to see over their giant boobs.

Boys, please, stop it.

Can't you guys respect what the other one does?

I don't even know what he does. People whine about their problems and he

them a hundred bucks.

He's like an over -tipped bartender.

Sorry I'm late. Tess had a little trouble finding the forms. Oh, thank God

you're here.

Is that schnapps on your breath?

Hey, I'm here now. Chop, chop.

All right, look. We've got to go. Will you boys please stay calm?

Now, take deep breaths.

Look at the orchid.

This isn't over.

Roberta's my patient.

What are you going to do? Break into her bedroom, knock her out, and give her a

40 -inch bust?

Maybe. And if I can do it to her, pal, I can do it to you.

Mommy's too busy to walk you right now, but please feel free to use Daddy as a

hydrant.

How many times do I have to apologize?

And why are you making such a big deal out of it? Because it's our marriage all

over again. Me.

struggling to maintain some kind of order in our lives without any help or

appreciation from you. Excuse me, I appreciated every single thing you did

us. All right, I admit, sometimes I had my head in the clouds. Oh, I would place

it somewhere a little lower than that.

Here's a red flag.

You called this Vegas trip a business expense.

Totally legit.

That was a medical conference.

Oh, no, and when was this medical conference? Oh, yes, now I remember. My

birthday weekend.

Oh, goody, this one again.

First of all, you knew that I had to go. And second of all, I did send... Some

flowers that somehow never arrived. And the very next day, the angry mommy

called the divorce lawyer. The end.

Oh, don't I wish. Look, we didn't get divorced over some flowers, which I

It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Although the camel's knees had been buckling for quite some time.

Guys, you sure you want to have this fight in front of your child?

Oh, you're a big girl. Yeah. I meant Monty.

Because according to this, you declared him as a dependent.

The dog?

That's insane.

What on earth would make your friend think that Monty was our child?

Not now, darling. Mommy's busy.

Well, you know what?

This is probably the reason they're coming after us.

Can you imagine the penalty we're going to have to pay?

Look, if they've already got you nailed, why don't you just throw yourselves on

the mercy?

These people have no mercy.

They are heartless, blood -sucking ghouls who feast on human suffering.

How do you do?

My name is Stuart. It's so nice to meet you.

I'm Enid Kolodny. Yes, and I'm Lydia Barnes. This is my daughter, Regina.

you like some wine?

No, but help yourselves. You'll need it.

I'm kidding.

Maybe some water?

Oh, yes, thank you.

You should know that this audit is purely the result of random selection.

So there's no specific infraction you're here to investigate?

Not that I know of.

Yet. All right, so you have one dependent, your little son, Monty.

Oh, that's a big age difference from Regina here.

Monty must have come as quite a surprise to you.

I didn't know I had it in me.

Is the little deer here now?

Well, it's funny that you should ask because actually Monty is... At soccer

practice.

I love the name Monty.

Oh, snowflake.

Snowflake. Oh, please. Oh, please. I'm so sorry. I'm a bit allergic.

Could I use the powder room? Absolutely. It's just down the hall. We'll put the

dog away.

You're crazy.

You can't lie to the IRS.

I don't see why we have to pay for her friend's mistake. You heard that woman.

She knows nothing.

She's allergic. We can totally take her down.

Where's that dog brush?

Oh, never mind. Never mind.

Get a glass.

Oh,

oh. Sue, please, would you mind putting a snowflake in the kitchen?

Oh, thank you.

Regina, would you look in our medicine cabinet and see if there's something

might help our friend? Actually, I might have something right here in my bag.

It's okay. I'm a doctor.

This won't make me drowsy, will it?

Well, maybe a little.

So fraud and now drugging a government employee. I wonder what the penalty for

that is.

Just trying to make her woozy, muddy her concentration. We weren't trying to

knock her out. Look at the mild sedative, very gentle.

Let's hope the same can be said about my cellmate.

Oh, my goodness.

Did I fall asleep?

I am so embarrassed.

Now, where were we?

Oh, we were further along than I thought.

Excuse me. Maybe another pill? Regina.

Yeah. This Las Vegas trip.

Do you have anything to prove that it was a legitimate business expense?

Yes, there's a receipt for a diagnostic device that he bought there.

Very good.

These are two receipts stuck together.

This is from the same trip, the Viva Las Vegas flower shop.

I hope you didn't declare those.

If I did, who would believe me anyway?

Everything seems to be in order. I'll walk out with you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me. No, you'll be fine.

You didn't drive here, did you?

No. You'll be fine.

Viva Las Vegas flower shop.

I went for the top of the line, the love me tender bouquet.

If I had known it wouldn't come, I would have settled for the hunk of hunk of

burning mums.

I know it's a little late.

But thanks for remembering.

Happy birthday.

You really did appreciate me when I think of how I reacted.

Oh, don't beat yourself up.

If we didn't split over this, there would have been something else to push

right over the edge.

You spent $600 at Tanya's Castle Row? And there it is.

Hi. Were you using my hair trimmer?

I'm not the one with ears like a Wookiee.

Well, keep your hands off my stuff.

Well, you keep your hands off my patients. Oh, you're one to talk.

Poacher. Werewolf.

Roberta? Ben, what are you doing here? I thought this was where Oliver lives.

It is. Is there a problem?

Frankie heard a message on a machine from Oliver begging me to come back to

He went nuts. He thinks we're screwing around.

Come in, come in.

Do you think he'll hurt it?

Frankie, no. He's got people who do that.

You got something to drink?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want water, coffee, soda?

Keep going.

Dr.

Oliver Barnes?

Yes, who are you?

Not a friend of yours, my friend.

Where's Roberta?

Roberta? Don't play innocent.

I swear I haven't laid eyes on her.

Frankie? Ask her yourself.

You just do this guy. Oh, in the two minutes I've been here, he's not you,

Frankie. Hey.

Frankie. What are you doing here? I live here. Well, your friend is going to be

sorry you ever messed with my girlfriend.

I am not after your girlfriend.

I heard the message.

I was speaking. Speaking as her doctor, I'm only interested in her breasts.

Okay. That's it.

Oh, you want a piece too? Frankie, open your eyes. Can't you see?

They're a couple.

What? Yeah.

You didn't know that?

You messing with me? Oh, come on, Frankie.

Does it look like two straight guys live here?

Huh? You thought my Oliver?

Was after your girlfriend?

What's that for a hoot, hon?

You guys are a couple. How long you been together?

Four years.

I date it from our meeting. He dates it from the commitment ceremony.

You! Oh, come on, Dad. This is really not a good time. No, no, no, we're not

staying. We just dropped by to see if you two had kissed and made up.

the best part of fighting.

See that, Frankie? You know, when these two decided to live together, we gave

them six weeks. I've never been so happy to be wrong. Yeah, so we're going to

get out of your hair. We just want to say we love our boys. We are so proud of

you.

I visit my dad every week. You never once said those words to me.

And that prison is a two -hour drive.

Dan, how do you guys make it work?

Don't you get jealous?

Ben does.

But when he does, I just say, hey, bright eyes.

I would never hurt you.

I'm not Ramon.

Thank you guys so much. You know, you really helped us out.

So we'll see you same time next week.

Frankie.

We'll be there.

I'll call you to reschedule.

So you're still going through with that?

Oh, I'm glad you think my breasts are perfect, but let's face it, you're not

exactly an expert.

Oh, man.

Thanks for helping me out.

So, we're okay?

Where would I find another man like you?

Why don't I go put some clothes on?