Original subtitles

Lovely funeral, wasn't it? You know what? I am so glad that your Uncle Ned

getting the send -off he deserves.

I mean, if you're going to die, this is the way to do it. 90 years old, sleeping

peacefully in your own bed.

I hope I die at 90 in bed, in the arms of a horrified 20 -year -old.

Let's grab a drink.

You know, Lydia, we bought two plots in that very same cemetery. I just can't

remember who got them in the divorce.

Oh, I don't think we ever decided. Besides, what does it matter?

Yeah, you're right. You know, there's nothing like a funeral to help you focus

on what really matters. I know. It makes you realize how much time we waste

obsessing over petty nonsense.

Yes, when you should be focusing on what really matters, like charity, family.

God. Him, too. He's right up there. Oh, no.

It was my awful cousin, Frida. Oh.

Hello, Frida.

Lydia, I wonder if you could take a look at my knee. It makes this weird

clicking sound.

Uh, uh, Frida, I really don't like any medical advice during funerals. Hear

that? Click, click.

Come on, Lydia. You can hear the clicking better when my pantyhose are

Hey, remember we used to go to Uncle Ned's beach house every summer and there

was that girl next door you used to salivate over? Oh, cool.

Kathy. Yeah. Oh, she's here. No way.

Every kid on that beach wanted to hang with her. And some of us did.

Others tried to impress her by swimming out to the far buoy and then having to

get rescued.

There were huge waves that day.

They didn't bother Mom when she swam out to get you.

You didn't do much better when you climbed the lifeguard tower and were

to climb back down.

It was very rickety up there, okay? I didn't know if it could support my

It supported Mom's.

Kathy's coming. Be cool.

By the way, I love the matching ties.

Torkable. Hey, guys.

Remember me? Oh, my God!

Hey, Kathy.

Hey.

Wow, it's been forever, right?

Regina, remember how you used to challenge me to wrestle on the beach?

I could always pin her.

You want a rematch, huh?

My wrestling days are over.

I'll bet you could lick me with both hands tied behind your back. I bet I

And Ben, you and Oliver were inseparable. You did everything

What was it we used to call you? I don't remember.

Bolivar. It was Bolivar.

That's right.

And you slept in bunk beds and wore the same clothes.

I still do.

Isn't that funny? We didn't even know we had the same tie.

We hardly ever see each other anymore.

It's been weeks since I've seen this kook.

Hang on a second. I want to say hi to Ned's daughter.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my God.

You're around her for one minute, and you're doing it again. What?

That nervous, hair -tugging, fixing thing you do.

It's like you're that geeky 12 -year -old again.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Still not cool.

Forgot my purse. Oh, here, I'll get it. Oh, no, Laura, you can get it.

Oh, you got it. Cool.

So, I should keep using the medicated powder, because I've tried lancing it,

it does not want to drain.

Anybody want half a crab cake?

All right, boys.

I'll get my coat and we can go.

We? No, I volunteered you. I didn't think you'd mind dropping her off.

Off of what?

Now, you be nice.

Sizer Hotel is right by where you boys live. What?

What? We don't want Kathy to know we live together.

What do you care what Kathy thinks? When you were a kid, she never paid any

attention to you. Yeah.

Thanks to you? Me?

Yeah, you were always embarrassing us. You made us go to the beach in long

-sleeved shirts with zinc oxide on our faces.

People thought we were mimes.

Oh, I am so sorry. Maybe I should have sent you to the beach like Cassie's

mother, dressed and only in a string bikini with a bottle of baby oil and a

of cigarettes.

I thought she was cool. Oh, please.

Oh, here she comes. Be cool, be cool.

Okay, guys.

I'm in a takeoff, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go grab a cup of

coffee and catch up.

Well, I guess we could.

Sure, why not?

It'll give us a chance to catch up, too. Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Cancel it!

Wait, we promised to take Cousin Frida.

Not how I wanted to spend my day off. Hey, if you're looking for an excuse to

duck out, Mom asked us to give Cousin Frida, right?

Oh, my God, thank you. I owe you one. Hey, Frida.

Regina's going to take you. Yeah, I just gotta stop by the ER for a second. The

ER! I'll go with you. I have a rash that I'd say conservatively is covering 40 %

of my body.

Ever since that funeral, I am trying to focus on only what matters in life. Me

too. I sat on a bench in the park for 20 minutes watching this group of angelic

children playing.

Then a transit officer asked me to move along.

Oh, Ned's lawyer called.

He left us something.

To both of us? Yes. Well, I guess he made out his will before we were

Do you know what it is? No, no, I have no idea. Why does it surprise us? What

does it matter what it was?

I mean, it's not the things that matter. Of course, it's the thoughts that

count. And Ned was awfully thoughtful.

I mean, imagine him giving us his beach house for our honeymoon.

Wasn't that sweet?

He had a Picasso etching in that beach house.

He also had a beach house. Yeah.

What are we doing? What am I talking about? I would love anything from him. A

trinket. A token. Something to remember him by.

I'll always remember him sitting at that Steinway Grand.

I remember him driving that 1957 Porsche.

Look, look, things are things, you know, and as Ned always said, you can't take

it with you.

Exactly.

You know what else he couldn't take with him was that Chippendale sideboard.

Lydia, we have to stop this.

Hey. Hey, guys.

So, how'd it go yesterday with Kathy?

Oh, great.

Started out with coffee, which led to dinner, then drink.

We were out all night. Oh, good for you.

Listen, I gotta go. This one.

On me. Oh, Stuart, thank you.

I'll get our coffee. Oh, thanks, buddy.

You're the best.

He is killing me.

Last night with Kathy, she was totally into me. I mean, buying everything I'm

selling. And Ben would not leave us alone.

Poor guy.

Actually thinks he has a shot.

All night it was like, God, Ollie, take a hint.

She was obviously into me. I mean, totally vibing on my groove.

He would knock it out of the way.

You know what? I'm very happy for you, Benny Ben. You just let your brother

easy. Now, listen.

I don't want Ben disappointed. You be nice to him. I will, Mom.

Here you go, buddy.

On me.

Thanks, pal.

Is he the best? No, you're the best. Your mother and I were just saying, this

funeral has brought out the best in all of us.

You're dead, and you're dead.

Cousin Frida, who you stuck me with? Kept me in the ER half the night while I

tested her for diphtheria, scurvy, and some rare tropical disease that I was

pulling for because it's fatal.

Turns out the only thing she did have was a rash, which I caught.

Watch your backs, boys, because you're going down.

Now, you see that?

Even Regina seems sweeter.

I'm telling you, that bowl was out.

Oh, drop it. It's over.

That loser buys dinner, loser.

I have to put my bag down before I hit you over the head with my racket.

Well, if I paint my head to look like a tennis ball, I'll have nothing to worry

about.

Hi, it's Kathy.

I got your number from information.

Listen, I was hoping we could have dinner tonight.

Say, Vinci at 7?

Oh, and please don't bring your brother.

I'd like it to be just us.

See you there.

Oh, Holly.

All right, I'll pay for dinner, but it's pizza, two toppings, and yes...

Cheese as a topping.

Oh, right, dinner tonight.

I, oh, you know, I think I may have plans tonight. I better check my

Mom has her book club tonight. Trust me, you're free.

Poor bastard.

Yeah, that was right.

Dinner with a colleague tonight.

Oh, shoot.

Shoot!

I'm just looking forward to buying you dinner.

Dinner for the winner.

Another time?

Hey, um, whenever you want.

Hey, good game today.

That's my baby girl.

Hey, Dad, no hugs.

That rash Cousin Frida gave me? It already crossed the Mason -Dixon line.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Atlanta's on fire right now.

By the way, did you hear what Uncle Ned left Frida in his will? His Porsche.

Porsche? He didn't even like her. Can you imagine what we're going to get?

I'll be right back.

Hi, Lydia.

You know, I've been thinking about those cemetery plots that we own.

You should take them.

Are you sure? They must have skyrocketed in value. I told you I'm a changed man.

I'm sure we'll find some way to repay me. Well, actually, you know, there is

that thing that Uncle Ned left us. Maybe you should take that. Hey, if that's

going to ease your conscience.

Oh, Stuart, you greedy bastard. I know about the Porsche. Damn it. Don't you

really think you can con me? You know what? I have had a very bad week.

I just got some troubling news from a doctor. Oh, knock it off, Stuart.

We don't even know what we're fighting about, but whatever it is, we'll find

tonight. Tonight?

Yes. The lawyer called, and they're delivering it at 7. Oh, they changed the

time? You said it was coming at... Quiet.

All right, 5 o 'clock.

I'll see you at 4 .30.

Hey, Regina.

Still mad?

No, not at all. Come, give me a hug. Nice try. I know about the rash.

Fine.

I still owe you.

Coffee, please.

I said I was sorry, but you would have done the same thing if you had a shot at

Kathy Kelly.

Yeah, like you do.

Since you ask.

Yes.

We're having dinner tonight.

Really? Yeah, she left me a message asking me to meet her.

Without Ben.

Oh, I better make a reservation.

I just feel so bad for the guy.

Hello? Gina, it's Ben. Look, I know you're still mad, but I really need your

advice on something.

I'm having dinner with Kathy tonight.

You are?

Yeah. She asked me. She left a message on the machine.

Oh.

Yeah.

The thing is, I just don't know if I should tell Ollie.

You know what? I wouldn't.

Boy, she must have really been eager. They already had a reservation for

Who's that?

Work. I'm on hold. Oh.

So, uh, what time are you and Kathy getting together?

Oh, seven o 'clock.

Seven o 'clock.

Where are you going?

Vinci. Vinci?

Hey, you know what you should wear? That dark suit with the blue striped shirt.

You look so hot in that.

Yeah, you're right.

I do, don't I?

Well, I better go.

Well, have fun tonight.

Oh, look.

Hang up on me.

I should go, too.

I got to change.

Oh, you have plans tonight, too? Yeah, something just came up. Dinner and a

show.

So, we're going to find out what it is. We're going to sell it with the cash.

Deal.

Whatever it is, the super said it took three men to carry it in. Wow. I'm

thinking it's the piano or the big painting in the foyer. I mean, what else

he have that was heavy and valuable? His wife, but she passed away.

A bed?

Oh.

That bit?

It looks like that old bed from Ned's beach house. It's worthless.

Oh, wait a minute.

Here's a note.

Open it quickly. There might be a check.

My dearest Lydia and Stuart.

You spent your honeymoon on this bed, and from there embarked on your life

together. May you always be as happy as you were that wonderful night.

All my love, Ned.

Lydia, we are terrible people.

The worst. Petty.

Ungrateful.

Greedy.

What a sweet gift.

It's actually really comfortable.

You should try it.

You're on my side.

Oh, come on, Lydia. I'm not going to bite.

Yeah, that's what you said in our wedding night.

Remember that night? We went down, we raided Ned's wine cellar. We came up

sat on the bed, and we shared a bottle of... Chateau Latour, 1953.

Oh, we stayed up all night talking.

Not talking.

Oh.

You know, lying here with you, you know what I'm thinking of?

Stuart. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm thinking of those funeral plots.

You're lying next to me in bed and your mind just leaped to death.

We already have the plots. Now we have the bed. I mean, you know what? We

each take one and be done with it. All right, Stuart, you just take the plot.

It makes the most sense.

Okay, good.

Fine.

What do you mean, it makes the most sense?

Well, I was just saying... I know what you're saying.

You're saying that I won't need two plots because I am going to die alone,

pathetic and unloved. That is not what I'm saying.

I'm saying I should have the plots because I'm the one in the relationship.

Boy, you and Crystal must be getting pretty serious if you're looking to get

buried together.

I know, I know.

Why don't I just call her and congratulate her?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. All right, don't call

her. Take the plots. You and your next husband, enjoy them.

I can't take the pressure.

I don't even know anyone I want to spend the night with. Now I've got to find a

grave mate?

Boy, I'll tell you, life was a lot simpler the first time we got on this

All right, look, we don't have to decide about the plot tonight.

What do you say the first one who dies gets them?

Well, now you've got me rooting for you to win.

Stuart, I just did your last EKG. I'm pretty confident about this one.

You know, if we do die single, there is no reason why we can't be buried

together.

Would make it easier for the kids to visit. Yeah.

Ned.

He was such a romantic.

Wanted us to remember our honeymoon night, where it all began.

What are you thinking?

That if we had just done it where I asked you, we would have a Porsche right

now.

Good evening, sir. Hello.

Barnes, party of two.

I'm here on a big date, so I'm going to need your best table, preferably one by

the fire.

Oh, I'm afraid the fireside tables are all reserved.

Are you sure? Because a friend of mine is turning 20 tonight.

Oh, thank you very much, sir. I'll see what I can do.

In the meantime, we'll put your table four.

Thank you.

Regina, what are you doing here? Well, hearing you talk about this place, I had

to try it. Don't worry, you won't know I'm here.

Barnes, table for two. Your date has arrived, sir.

He's very excited.

Oh, no, that's my brother.

My sister, they must be having dinner here.

Oh, this is going to be awkward.

Look, is it possible for me to get a table by the fire?

Oh, I'm afraid they're all reserved.

Really? Bet you can't say no to Abraham Lincoln.

He may have freed the slaves, sir, but he won't free that table.

What is Ben doing here?

Oh, right, he had that dinner. Damn, why'd they have to pick this place?

That's weird.

Guess I better break the bad news.

Listen, Ollie, uh... Look, buddy, don't be hurt, but I'm having dinner with

Kathy.

What?

I'm having dinner with Kathy. She left me a message. Oh, no. You thought that

message was for you?

You poor kid.

Excuse me, but when we all went out together, who'd she talk to the whole

Me. Sure, you're the fat friend.

The what?

The not -so -hot -one -you -have -to -be -nice -to -so -you -can -nail -the

-pretty -one.

I'm the pretty one. You are the fat friend, my friend.

Well, I'm trying to save you some embarrassment, but if you won't listen,

game on!

Excuse me, sir, a bottle of your finest champagne, please. Thank you. Um, yeah,

here, too, and some caviar.

Oh, okay, caviar here, too. Thank you.

Boy.

When she gets here, you are going to look awfully foolish.

Oh,

my

God.

Same outfits.

My idea.

Excuse me, sir. When my date arrives, would you please play for us?

Thank you.

Last chance for you to save your dignity and go.

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

So when she gets here, for me, she'll think I stood her up and you can pick up

the pieces.

Oh, by the way, you're doing it. Doing what?

The hair thing.

No, I'm not. Yes, I am. Damn it.

Excuse me. A fireside table has just become available.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

This is my table. No, I paid for this table. So did I.

No, no, you idiot.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Kathy.

What's up, Kathy?

Ben, give her your chair.

You give her your chair.

What's going on, guys?

Oh, funny story. You, uh... You left that message on our machine, but you

say who it was for, so little Ben got it into his head that it was him.

Our machine.

So you guys live together?

He lives with me.

Okay, and the matching clothes?

No, he copies everything I do.

Not everything, or I'd be doing this.

You guys really haven't changed.

I have, but he hasn't. Oh, shut up. No, you shut up. Okay, this is weird. I'm

going. Have fun together. No, wait, wait, wait. Don't go. Don't go.

Trust me, this is not happening.

No, wait. Just wait. Tell us which one you like and the other one will leave.

I'll tell you this. The one I did like, I'm liking a whole lot less now.

See? There. She liked me. Now she doesn't. No, I'm the one she likes less

No, wait. Kathy.

Oh.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing... No, no, I'm laughing at you.

That was for Cousin Frida.

Well, that didn't quite happen the way I've imagined it for the past 22 years.

Yeah, well, the good news is here comes hundreds of dollars worth of an

appetizer I'm allergic to.

Come on, get over it. You're good -looking guys who get lots of date.

Between the two of you.

Now, we can have a great dinner.

With some fantastic champagne, or you can sit here like sulky teenagers and

over the one woman you can't have.

Which is it?

Play something sad.

That's what I thought.