Original subtitles

Boy, business really looks bad for Bob and June.

Anybody that would be stupid enough to pay a quarter of a million dollars for

that dump deserves to lose it.

Delectable taste treats, anyone?

No, thank you.

I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a

huh?

He's going to play show and tell with my vital organs, isn't he?

Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?

Don't worry, Dan. I'm too depressed about Harry to rip your lungs out.

Maybe later.

I cannot believe this is Harry's last day on the job.

It won't be the same without him.

No more whoopee cushions in the jury box.

No more courtroom hootenanny.

Some more Jane Pauly look -alike contest?

I never did get my trophy.

I wish I knew which judge was replacing him.

Trust me, we'll get some old geezer with a neck waddle the size of a pillowcase.

You're getting me.

You're kidding.

Come again? I just got my first judicial assignment. I take over Harry's post as

soon as I'm sworn in.

Wait a minute. You mean after two years of being equals, now you're going to

have complete control and authority over me?

Yes. May I kiss your gavel?

Dan, please don't start sucking up. I just preferred if you'd act like

Okay, may I kiss that little... Dan!

Besides, there's still a way to save Harry's job.

Right! We call Jerry Lewis in Vegas and ask him to bring Frank and Dino in for a

benefit concert!

So, I filed an appeal with the Selections Committee.

That's just crazy enough to work.

Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

Shouts broke his fall.

None of the Girl Scouts were hurt, sir.

Hey, man, I apologize. There was no need for them to start kicking me.

I have never seen them swarm like that.

Yeah, well, I guess after tonight I'll have a lot more time to practice my

skating, huh?

Got any plans?

No, not really.

I mean, there's a lot of things I can do. I just figured I'd think about it

a while, you know?

That's a damn shame, sir.

Cut down in your prime.

You were so young and vital.

Oh, come on, Mac. You talk about me like I'm dead.

You look just like yourself, sir.

Tonight is Judd Stone's last appearance in this court.

So I'm taking this opportunity to pay honor to him.

In verse.

Ah, a little mutant poetry.

The halls of justice are drenched in blood.

There are tears on the courtroom walls.

Because the best darn judge in the USA got the shaft from City Hall.

The nicest to bailiff.

The snappiest dresser. The smartest at deciding.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

Judge Harold T. Stone.

The timing.

Oh, Bull.

I cannot begin to describe what I am feeling.

Although sell... would be my guest.

Be seated, people.

Sir, sir.

Yeah? This came for you. Special delivery from...

I mean, Torme.

No, Torme.

See that little line over the E? That's what they call an accent grave. That

gives you Torme.

Now, for Torme, it would go the other way. It'd be called an accent aigu.

Aigu? Aigu.

Now, why do you think Mel Torme would make a mistake like that in your

handwriting?

Well... Nice try, fella. Thank you very much.

Frenchie names.

I told you, eh, goon?

Sir, I don't want you to give up hope. We still haven't heard from that last

appeal, and I've got a very good feeling about it.

Oh, Miss Sullivan, your courageous loyalty is surpassed only by your beauty

brain.

Matt, do you sense a shift in the suck -off wind?

About ripped off my...

Please stop following me.

I don't wish to buy a scooter pie.

Perhaps a bite of our demo would change your mind.

Bob, is that an almond or a tooth?

Miss Sullivan?

Yes, may I help you?

Just a suggestion. A little less eye makeup would be more seemly.

Thank you.

hell are you i'm jane fletcher i'm from the mayor's judicial selection committee

oh oh i meant how the hell are you fine

thank you i have some protocol papers to give you before you're sworn in oh

thank you have we met not formally but i was the one that offered your name to

be a judge you were well thank you very very much It was really just a bit of

good luck. I noticed you when I was in the courtroom to evaluate Judge Stone.

I was very impressed by your ability.

Oh, well, thank you.

You were the one that evaluated Judge Stone?

Yeah.

You're the one who ruined the career of my best friend?

My bosom companion?

The man I would gladly kill or be killed for?

No, but I bet she hasn't been with a man since Sputnik.

That's Mrs. Fletcher.

She's the one who got you thrown off the bench, sir. What?

Ten -minute recess?

Go on, get your skinny butt out there.

If he gets his job back, I'm dead.

Yo, whoa, Mrs. Fletcher.

Yo.

Whoa.

Are you talking to me? Yes, ma 'am. I thought I might query you as to why my

career has been destroyed and my life turned into an utter shamble.

But I do have an appointment. Another time, perhaps. I'm sure you can squeeze

in. Am I being kidnapped?

Kidnapped? Oh, no.

You're just being held against your will.

In a locked room. By a desperate man who has nothing to lose.

That's a joke.

I've heard all about your jokes, Judge Stone.

But apparently the last laugh is on you.

Wait a minute. A little gag here and there and you're ready to ruin my

Yes.

Although there's also the matter of your efficiency rating.

What about my efficiency rating? It's abysmal. It's a black hole.

It's an embarrassment to the judicial process. In short, it stinks.

Don't beat around the bush with me, lady.

Do you know that you process 12 % fewer cases than any other judge in your

position? Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm sure there's a good reason for that.

Oh, I've seen the reason on my visit to your courtroom. You talked to the

defendant.

Well, I thought sentencing them by singing telegram was unnecessarily

You know what I mean.

You seem to make a habit out of chatting with winos and hookers and...

As though they were... People?

Your word, not mine.

Miss Wesker, what kind of judge would I be if I didn't stop to find out about

the defendant?

Possibly a working judge.

If you'll excuse me.

You know, I don't happen to think it's very fair to judge people just on their

appearance. I mean, look at you.

Pardon me.

Well, to look at you, someone might think that you're just some mean

sour old bat.

But not me. No, before I'd make a decision like that, I'd want to know

about you, what kind of person you are, because maybe there's a reason, some

hidden trauma in your past, like, uh, like, I don't know, maybe you were

down for the Rockettes or something.

That producer was blind. My legs were as good as anybody's.

I mean, that's none of your business.

Let's be perfectly candid, shall we?

What our courts need are judges, not psychiatrists, not amateur magicians.

who are you calling amateur?

As far as I'm concerned, the sooner you're off the bench, the better.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Ms.

Fletcher, if that is your real name, I still have one appeal left, and I ain't

out of here yet, lady.

Got you going away, cake, sir. Later, Ron.

Well, pardon me and my tribute.

Sir, sir, we just got the answer to your appeal.

And? They turned it down, sir.

Let me give you some advice, Mr.

Stone.

Next time, try to find work more suited to your personality.

Hog the whole thing.

What's next, Mac?

The last case, sir.

Fine. Of your whole damn life.

Thank you, Pippi Longstocking.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Give me the file. No, I can't.

Mac, Mac, Mac, come on. Give me the case.

Mac.

Don't make me get out the jaws of life.

Come on, Matt.

It happens. I lost my job. It's not like it's going to turn me into... A pitiful

wretch like me?

Good example.

Who's he?

The defendant, Your Honor. Former State Senator Fetty.

You were a state senator?

Of course. You think I was always like this?

I used to be happy -go -lucky, content, a real good...

That is, until they booted me out of the Senate.

Perhaps the dress code was a factor.

Senator Fetty, I sympathize with you.

Believe me, I do.

But I find it very difficult to understand how a man who rose so high

stoop so low. You stole an iron lock?

I thought it was empty.

You know, scrap metal is going for eight pence a pound.

It's now over for a grand jury, and you should be ashamed of yourself, Mr.

Fetty. All right, don't talk to me about shame.

It's easy to have that attitude when you have a nice, cushy job.

But believe me, sir, if this could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.

It could happen to you.

Do I get my iron lung back?

Sir, don't listen to him. He's a bitter old has -been public official.

Thanks for cheering me up.

What's next, Mac?

Ah, right.

Well, then I guess that's it.

But before I go, I would, uh...

I'd very much like to thank all of you for everything.

I'm never going to forget any one of you.

Court's adjourned.

Come on in, guys. I'm just packing my rabbit.

Got something on your mind? We're all ears.

We all shipped in and got you this, sir. I hope you like it.

We had it custom -made so it would remind you of this place.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Look at that, and it's got a little gavel for a second hand.

I thought it should be a hooker.

Yeah, well, this is beautiful. Thank you very much.

Now,

Bull, you promised no tears.

But I never even got to take a bullet for you, Harry.

Well, maybe we could do it on a weekend sometime.

Come on, give me a big hug.

I'm so crushed that you're leaving, sir.

bull streaks for all of us, sir.

Sorry about your going away case.

No, you're not.

You're right.

Me neither.

I especially like the part where you cleaned off her face with a fire

extinguisher.

I have my moments.

See you around, Judge.

Yeah.

Sir, look, if you ever need any money, well... You're broke, I know. Yeah.

If you ever need anything else, like a badly cooked dinner or an evening with

in -laws, hey, the sky is the limit.

Thank you, man.

You take care of yourself.

I'm not very good at this sentimental stuff, but you really knew what you were

doing up there.

I hate to see you go.

Yeah.

Me too, Counselor.

He didn't mess up my hair, did he?

So, do you know what you're going to do now?

Nah, but that's really the best part of all this. Now I've got time to do the

things I've always wanted to do.

Learn hang gliding, take pottery classes, try to get you on the sofa.

I'm not kidding.

You know, for some time now, I've...

had some rather non -judicial thoughts about you.

I can't believe you're saying that to me.

Well, if it's one -sided... No, no, I feel the same way about you. You do? I

Well, it's funny that we never... Yeah, well, how could you actually have...

Because a judge and a lawyer are not... Yeah, that would be a conflict of

interest. Clearly.

But now...

There's nothing stopping us.

But that would be admitting defeat.

I got no problem with that.

Maybe we could get a restraining order.

Hey, hey, Miss Sullivan, I feel like I've been restraining myself for too

You're a real special lady.

Too special to be off the bench.

There has got to be a way that we can get your job back.

Like what?

Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?

its life.

Now, you take a look at it.

Sometimes it hands you garbage, and all you can do with it is the best you can

do with it.

That's what I'm gonna do.

What does that mean? What that means is that it is time that I had some real

fun. There are crazy things that I have only dreamt of doing. Well, now I'm

gonna do them.

When you're ready to face reality, give me a call.

This was on sale.

Right this way, Your Honor.

All of our lovely new judges will just go to the conference room for the group

photograph. The mayor can get back to work.

Busy, busy, busy.

Congratulations.

Bye -bye.

Congratulations, Your Honor.

Thank you all for coming. It was really nice of you.

Hey, it was a nice ceremony.

Yeah, the high point for me was when Bo tried to lead everybody in row, row, row

your boat.

All the ropes reminded me of glee club.

I was kind of hoping Harry would change his mind and show up. Well, he'll be at

your party, but I don't think he's in the mood to be around city officials.

Yeah. I wish I'd had one minute alone with the mayor to talk about Harry.

Oh, now, come on now.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

There, there, there. Let Danny Massage all detention away.

Get out, Dan.

At the speed of light, my lady.

Hey, come on. We got a party to go to. Yeah.

Hey, you guys go on. I think I want to have my picture taken.

Okay, though. See you there.

Excuse me. I couldn't see the mayor for just one minute, could I?

Oh, why, of course.

Call back in October.

It's a matter of life and death.

Okay, September.

sweet potato?

We never have parties this nice.

What about that wing -dang we threw when Aunt Tilly had her bloat suctioned?

Hi, guys.

Where have you been?

For the last three hours, we've been sitting here listening to Hillbilly Wrap

-Up.

Where's Harry?

I'm afraid to guess.

What do you mean?

Well, he was here for a while, but he was acting kind of crazy.

He said he was finally ready to drop the big one.

Drop the big what?

Joke. The most outrageous, crazy stunt anyone's ever pulled.

What? What's he gonna do?

He wouldn't tell us. He just said it would get the attention of the entire

He called it the prank de resistance.

Well, that will get him thrown off the bench.

Sure, if he was a judge.

I got the mayor to review his records, and he said that the mayor's committee

made a terrible mistake.

Oh, my God.

Harry's out there right now planning to freak out Manhattan.

You know what this means?