Original subtitles

Oh, that's terrible.

What is it, Bull?

A biker was beaten badly by a rival gang member over at the Central Park Tennis

Court. In straight sets?

Hi, guys!

Hey, Miss Holmes. Guess who just got into town?

Skipper Alan Hale?

I can dream, can't I?

Noble, it's Heather, my roommate from college.

Hey, so what brings old Heather by?

Well, she just flew in to host a seminar upstate on motifs of death in Russian

literature.

Sounds like a real party animal.

No, you are really going to like her. She's so sweet and she has a wonderful

personality.

She's a schnauzer.

Oh, here she comes. Now, please, guys, please be nice to her.

It's not like I'm asking you to fall at her feet.

Christine, hi!

Anna Karenina says, 20 locals famous in Kiev.

That's a little wacky muscovite.

Heather, I want to thank you for a really fabulous lunch. I had a wonderful

time. I paid for it.

120 bucks. Yeah, thanks, babe. Hot dogs with me next time. Okay, good.

Well, I guess we better get the session started.

Yeah, that's how I went in there and made the streets safer for our children.

Speaking of which, if you ever decide to have any out of wedlock.

I'm scoring.

Miss Sullivan, why don't you take Heather around the courtroom and make

that she takes you up and shows you the back of my bench because a tour is

simply not a tour unless you've had a good look at my seat.

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Oh, they are so charming.

So were Leopold and Loeb.

This may be a little bit impetuous, but I was thinking of asking one of the guys

to come upstate with me this weekend.

Harry or Dan?

Yes.

Heather, that's not a little impetuous. That's naughty.

Come on, Christine, this is the 80s.

But you don't even know them.

Did I tell you that Dan is a sex maniac?

Christine, you have always thought that every guy was a sex maniac.

Okay.

Remember our sophomore year in college when you got so upset because that guy

asked to paint you naked?

He was a house painter.

All rise. This court is now in session.

The Honorable and Sexy.

Stone presiding.

Objection. Overruled.

Okay, take a seat and sit upon it.

What do you got, Macaroni? Uh, first case, sir. People versus Sheena.

She's charged with prostitution.

No.

Okay,

you don't think that Dan is a sex maniac?

You watch this.

Ready, Your Honor? Mr. Prosecutor. Yes, sir. The defendant was arrested in Times

Square. She has a prize.

Prosecution recommends the maximum.

Defense?

That's it?

Don't you have anything else to say?

About what?

About what? Oh, come on. Her chest, her bust, her zoomers.

What did I say?

Oh, come on. Her chest, her bust, her zoomers.

Thank you.

Miss Sullivan, the plea.

Uh, yeah, Your Honor, my client pleads guilty.

Fine, $50 fine and time served.

Ross?

Come on, honey, let's go.

Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Hey, you guys.

I have thoroughly enjoyed watching you in action, but I have to go.

Can't you stick around a little while longer? We got a window washer charged

with streaking.

I really have to go. I have to get ready for tonight.

Oh, actually... Yes?

I've been invited to Roland Jeffries' party in Soho tonight. Why don't you

come along?

Roland Jeffries, the artist?

Yeah. Sure, yeah.

Great. Well, what time do you finish here? About ten.

Perfect. I'll pick you up later, Christine.

See you guys.

Bye.

Look at the way she walks.

Yeah, kind of takes the wrinkles out of the old robe, you know?

Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?

Hold it a sec.

All right, I admit, she's very attractive, but Heather has flaws and

imperfections just like everyone else.

Name one.

Well...

She can be quite messy in the kitchen.

Maybe we should just have her put to sleep.

Then the actual truth of it is she can be more than a little bit flighty. Do I

detect a note of jealousy?

No, no, it's true.

You know what she even said to me about you two?

She said that she might consider taking one of you two guys upstate with her for

the weekend.

Is that flighty or what?

I'd give the prosecution a chance to hose down.

I am ashamed of you acting like a rutting pig.

I gotta be me.

You don't see Judge Stone behaving that way, do you?

There's a melody in your heart. Hey, it's wonderful.

Yeah.

So you finished the Morris file?

No, but the execution's not till tomorrow night. We've got plenty of

Just kidding. There's no death penalty in New York.

Yeah, I'm well aware of that.

Dan, I want you to look over these probation files before you leave.

You must be kidding.

No, I'm not.

How is it? It'll take at least an hour. What about the party?

A job worth doing is worth doing well.

That's sick.

You got a problem, Fielding?

I don't have a problem.

So what's on your mind?

I can't tell you. Why not?

Because you're a judge and I'm an attorney working in your court. So?

So I can't very well sit here and tell you that I think you're a sneaky, skinny

little twerp, can I?

I see your dilemma.

Dan, what the hell is bugging you?

You'll find me in contempt and throw me in jail. Oh, come on.

Okay, okay.

I think you're... You're abusing your authority over me because you're afraid

a little man -to -man competition for Heather.

You're right.

I am? Yeah, I'm going to throw you in jail.

Dan, I think an apology is in order.

Never. Dan.

Very well.

Dan.

I mean that I should apologize to you.

Dan. Well, you should!

This is an outrage! Don't push it, Fielding. Right.

Hey, all right. Maybe I did let competition color my actions a little

forget the files, forget the robe. Forget that I'm a judge and that you're

a lowly subordinate whose very fate hangs on my whim.

You make it so easy, sir.

I'm serious, Dan, okay?

Okay.

You know, it's really funny, isn't it? I mean, here we are. We're acting like a

couple of high school kids fighting over the same girl.

Oh, yeah.

Drop her, bozo. Not for a geek like you.

Well, all right, then.

May the best man win.

Right.

May the best man win.

telling who could be here. Rock stars, politicians, novelists.

Hi, guys.

The cast from Motel Hell.

Heather, darling.

Roland, hello.

More friends.

I barely got to know her the first batch.

They're so amusing.

This one keeps asking me when we're going to bob for things.

and I keep telling him we don't bob for things at my parties.

This is Jeffrey Smith.

This is such a bold piece. I love it. This far exceeds any pre -Columbian art

have ever seen.

What a silly goose I am.

A madly silly goose.

I've never seen you before in my life, okay?

Yeah, but I'm positive.

Mac, what's the problem? Oh, this guy swears he's met me before.

So? In a former life.

Aha. He was the king of Mesopotamia.

I swear, I never forget a face.

Say, isn't that Shirley MacLaine hovering over the cheese dip?

Well, I guess I better be going.

Enjoy the shindig. Yeah.

Loved your sweater vest.

I knew that you would.

Roland, this looks like a wonderful party.

Yes, there is a little magic in the air tonight.

Well, speaking of magic, what's that behind your ear? Ow!

An earring.

ever do that again.

So the slide between the legs is out then, huh?

If I go down, I'm taking you with me.

Is anyone hungry? I'll get us some appetizers. Well, I'll come with you.

we can both find something to nibble on.

Christine, why don't you show Harry your new dress?

So you got a new dress?

Yep. So let's see it.

You don't like it.

Well, not really you.

Yes, it is.

That part is, but the whole thing is kind of, I don't know, it's kind of

daring, isn't it?

Listen, I will have you know that I'm not the... prude everyone thinks I am.

Hey, I know you.

Pompeii, 79 A .D.

You know, not many women would jump into a live volcano rather than lose their

virginity.

Old habits die hard, huh?

So the doctor says, oh, there's my thermometer, so where did I leave my

Do you recognize that song?

Oh, Time Goes By from Casablanca. That's my favorite movie.

Mine, too.

Yeah?

I'm waiting till they colorize it.

Dan doesn't see many movies that don't have the word cheerleader in the title.

He does.

I think they're playing our song.

So, uh, those are new, aren't they?

Yeah, I guess I've always felt like I belonged in the 40s. It was a simpler

with simpler tastes, simpler values.

I guess that sort of makes me a... Simpleton.

I never maimed anybody with that trick before.

Where was I?

The 40s.

The 40s.

That was another era. It was an age of innocence. It was a time when any...

Wacky, crazy guy and gal could find each other on a crowded dance floor.

Bad example.

So tell me about yourself, Harry Stone.

Who am I, Heather?

Well, I guess...

I'm the kind of guy that has a shoebox full of file cards with all the

information on every member of the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra.

Date of birth, favorite foods, hobbies, you name it.

Me?

I'm the kind of guy that goes to the supermarket and hears a delightful

ditty on the Muzak and I just click my heels together right there in the

section and I don't care who sees me.

Me?

I'm the sort of Joe that likes to get up real early on a Sunday and go down to

the docks to watch him unload the fish.

You get the picture?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, she's so exciting.

Yeah, right.

Exciting, bold.

You know, I have always felt like I'm in that woman's shadow.

I know it's ridiculous, but there have been times when I felt completely

when I was around her.

I'm going to go break in on them right now.

Yeah, that's the feeling.

All right, cut in.

Why, certainly.

I should warn you, I was...

Pretty charming.

Yeah, well, two can play at that game.

Heather? Yes, Dan?

I haven't worn underwear since 1968.

I must show them to you. They're right over here.

Oh, my God, they're gone.

What's gone? My priceless collection of antique porcelain eggs.

Picked me to go away with her this week?

No!

Lord, I was waiting for someone to stop the shrieking.

You picked him over me?

What? Who the hell said I was deciding between you and Dan?

Roland, could you show me to the powder room? Yes, we are beating up a bit,

aren't we?

gonna go get something for us to toast with. Don't you go anywhere, my little

love monkey.

I cannot believe that you would reject me for someone

like Dan Fielding.

Worse, you rejected me for Dan Fielding.

Is that what you like? A man who is disgusting and sleazy?

Well, listen, I can be disgusting and sleazy.

Please don't feel badly. I think you're adorable.

It's just that I find myself more in sync with Dan. Yeah, well, a sync is

one of the places you'll find yourself in sync. All right, sit down.

I don't know what to say.

Dan is just more my type. I don't know how to describe it. He's just more

contemporary. Hey, I'm contemporary?

Yes, you are. in a time warp sort of way.

Well, I'm sure you mean that in the really nicest sense.

Oh, absolutely.

You are the sweetest, most sentimental, terrific guy.

It's just that you're not right for me.

No hard feelings?

No, no hard feelings.

Good.

Because, Harry, you're a very special guy. And you need someone very special.

And you never know when that right person may come along.

Want to dance?

they're the geeks.

I mean it.

I'm glad things worked out this way, because now you and I have some time

together to talk, find out about each other, you know?

I mean, let's face it. Are these really the kind of people that we would want as

friends?

Excuse me, is anybody sitting here?

Yes, I am. Hi, I'm Christine Sullivan.

Nice to meet you.

Who's the geek?

Oh, you'll have to forgive him. He's a little dazed.

I see. Well, is anybody sitting here? No.

Great, because I want to take this chair over there. Hey, that Dan Fielding, I

tell you, I can't remember when I met a more fun, interesting guy in my entire

life. He's terrific. Well, bye.

I know just how you must be.

Well,

look at the bright side.

Things couldn't get worse.

Hey, everybody.

Mel's got to catch a plane.