All language subtitles for Night Court s04e18 Caught Red Handed

Hey, old McDonald, how's our future papa
doing? I wish that baby would hurry up

and get here. Well, don't be in too much
of a hurry, Mac. They grow up before

you know it.

Hey, look at my Scooby -Doo lunch pail.

Some more slowly than others.

Good evening, fellow bailiffs. Uh -oh,
hide your young.

Well, well, well, if it isn't our shop
steward, Ethel LaRue. What a pleasant

surprise. Can the crap bail if we both
know why I'm here?

Once more I am running unopposed for
shop steward, and we all know how grumpy

get when I win with less than a
landslide.

Get the drift, my little friend.

not actually gonna vote for the wicked
bailiff of the west oh the job is a lot

of paperwork and drudgery who'd be dumb
enough to challenge her for that guess

what i'm running for how'd you know we

were just discussing the job
qualification isn't it great i filed

want to hear my slogan

Hello, boys.

Well, Dan, you're in a great mood.

Last night, I dated a Jets cheerleader.

And touchdown!

Of course, we did have to go into
overtime.

So, Dan, are you going to tell us all
about it, or do we have to read it

tomorrow in the supermarket checkout
line?

Dan Fielding? Yeah, that's me.

It's for you.

Oh, I thank you. Oh, here you are, my
good man.

A little something for you.

Hey, now I can get that newspaper I've
been saving up for.

Dad, what is it?

It's a... fraternity suit.

The woman's name is Marilyn Scott, and
it says here you have a son.

That is impossible.

It's some kind of mistake.

According to this, your mistake is now
ten years old.

Dan, doesn't the name Marilyn Scott even
ring a bell?

I wouldn't know her if she bit me.

Then it's no one you've been seeing
lately, huh?

You have to admit, with all the women
you've been going out with, there is a

possibility that you might have... Hit
the mother load?

I am well aware that there are ways of
preventing this sort of thing from

happening. So you're saying it's
impossible?

Well, I mean, everybody once in a while
gets caught in a storm without his

umbrella.

Here.

That's for your next cloudburst.

Hey, you thought of it.

There you are.

I want a word with you, Shannon.

Oh, I guess you heard the good news.

Yeah, well, the good news is I'm going
to allow you and Pinocchio to withdraw

from the Wraith intact.

Are you threatening me?

What? As an elected official, I cannot
condone any act of violence or

intimidation.

But personally, I'd love nothing better
than to strip to the waist and duke it

out with you for a couple of rounds.

Get the picture?

Vividly.

Then let the best man win.

She may have us there.

lawyers handle it. From this moment on,
that paternity suit is forgotten.

Father knows best.

I hope you staple yourself to death.

Excuse me.

Hey, don't I know you?

Car crash?

Collision? Let Petey scrape you out.

that commercial for personal injury
claims that you do where you freeze

the family of four just before their car
plunges into the Grand Canyon?

Had to get that in one take.

I bet. So, Petey, what unspeakable human
suffering brings you by?

I'm looking for Dan Fielding. That's me.

Well, wait a minute.

You're that slimeball lawyer who
capitalizes on other people's suffering

misfortune. Yes?

I want to shake your hand.

You're a sweet... a fortune out of those
poor slobs. Every penny.

I really respect that. I represent
Marilyn Scott.

I want you dead.

Mr. Fielding. Listen, I am not going to
stand here and be accused of something I

didn't do. But Danny, I have affidavits
on you from half the women in this town.

You've got quite a reputation.

And I might add that you photograph
quite well.

Yeah, you just try to prove that's me
behind that mask.

If you refuse to settle, you force me to
launch a vicious, no -holds -barred

smear campaign.

Listen, bucko, nobody drags Dan Fielding
through the mud. Not according to

action photo number five.

Danny, Dan, Dan, by fighting this, you
simply prolong your agony, deplete your

assets, alienate your friends. You find
yourself thrashing about in a morass of

despair from which death itself is the
only escape.

Well, time for my facial.

Ciao.

Boy, he's a lot nicer in person than he
is on TV.

What was that?

I don't know. You suppose they let Roz
do the strip search again?

It should have been me.

Oh, Bull, I am so sorry.

He was only a sapling.

What's this?

A note. I'll read it.

Drop out of the race, or next time, the
real dummy gets it.

Ethel LaRue.

Bull, I'm sure he can be revived.

It's too late. I already tried mouth -to
-mouth.

So you screamed when... I got a splinter
in my tongue.

Maybe my daddy can fix him.

Who's your daddy?

to you too, Petey.

I got a hold of that lawyer. He should
be slithering by here shortly.

The kid has certainly gotten attached to
Dan.

Uh -huh.

Are you tired of writing Mr. Prosecutor
yet?

I'm not going to have hair like you when
I grow up, am I?

You're not going to grow up unless you
get off my floor shimes, kid.

My name is a kid. My name is Brian, and
I'm not getting off till you agree to

talk to me. Forget it.

Okay, if you won't talk to me, at least
buy me an ice cream.

No.

Did I mention I have to go to the
bathroom real bad?

One scoop or two.

Come on, race to cafeteria.

Yeah, don't run too fast, otherwise you
might fall and break your widow neck.

Dan, try to be nice. to him or he'll
only have something to hold against you

court. Right. I won't leave any marks.

There he goes.

Daddy dearest.

I don't know.

Believe it or not, I think Dan can make
a very good father.

Hello. Are we talking about the same Dan
Fielding who lobbied to infate leash

laws for children?

No, I'm serious.

Underneath that... marmy sex craze
exterior lies another dan fielding

You want to play a little game? It's
called civilization.

I take it you haven't been around kids
much.

Call it a life's ambition.

Can I ask you a question?

No.

Why did you leave us?

I didn't leave you. I wasn't there in
the first place.

Now listen, kids, and listen good. There
is no possible way I could be your

father.

You mean... you're gay.

Okay, technically it's possible.

Look, trust me, you wouldn't want me as
your father anyway.

Why not?

I hate you.

Good point.

But I don't hate you.

Stick around, you will.

In fact, I love you.

love me. You don't even know me.

But I... But I... But I... Listen to me,
kid. You cannot love somebody you've

never met.

That's not true.

Okay, there's a few phone services, but
that's it.

Look, all I'm saying is that if you were
my father, I'd love you, all right? All

right, fine, fine. You ready?

And if you had a kid, you'd love him,
too, wouldn't you?

Like I said earlier, Children should
be... Genetically cloned in factories,

yeah.

Good,

then I've taught you well. Let's go.

Dan? Oh, what is it now?

Will I die without a father?

You're weird.

How the hell should I know?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't do that. Don't
do that. Don't sit there with that lost

puppy dog look.

I didn't mean to. Yeah, well... No.

Of course you didn't.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Happy as a freckle on Daryl Hannah's
body.

That's the first thing you've said, I
understand.

This kid stuff really spooked you, huh?

No, not really.

The parent stuff that's frightening.

How come?

Because I see it every day around here.

Mommy and daddy's eyes filled with tears
as they come to bail their baby out of

jail.

Report them missing.

Identify their body.

Couldn't handle that kid.

Couldn't even live with the possibility.

What if I...

I'll never get sick or hurt.

Excuse me, I think I hear Rod Serling
calling.

If I do get sick or hurt, I won't even
tell you, I promise.

You don't even have to care.

I'll take what I can get.

What happened here?

He was murdered.

Wrongful death, I'm your man.

So, where's the kid?

He's with Dan.

Any chance he kidnapped the boy?

I'm telling you the truth.

Really? Yes.

What are you guys talking about?

Grocery stores.

Oh, how nice.

Yeah, Dan told me how you can tell how
loose a woman is by the way she picks

produce.

Oh, Dan, you didn't.

Bet you she never thumped a honeydew in
her life.

You're in big trouble, buddy. I'm gonna
nail you to the wall.

Peterson, I'm ready to settle. Yeah, I'm
gonna skin you alive. I'm gonna crucify

you. I'm gonna beg your pardon.

Dan, you're gonna settle?

What are you talking about, Dan?

You heard me.

If a test shows even a possibility that
the boy is mine, I want to take full

responsibility.

Why, Dan, that's... Noble?

Yeah, the word got stuck in my throat.

Where's my baby?

Hi, Mom.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. What did I tell you I
learned about grocery stores?

Honey, what are you doing here?

I came to see my dad.

Great news. We got Papa right where we
want him. He's going to settle out of

court.

That's not Stan Fielding.

Dan Fielding?

Dan Stan, what's the difference?

Shut up. He's willing to pay through the
nose, and you need the money

desperately. But that's not the father
of my son.

He's not my father?

No, honey, he's not.

Marilyn, are you out of your mind?

Carolyn.

Really?

lady, let me.

I know every nook and cranny in this
building a body can fit into.

Boys just got into the sacramental line,
sure.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

It's none of your business.

Hey, sit.

I'm going to see my lawyer. See this
lawyer.

Now, look.

Things like this, well, they seem to
always have a way of working out for the

best.

I feel pretty confused.

Confused? Why would I feel confused?

Just because this morning I didn't have
a father, this afternoon I did have a

father, and now I don't have a father
again.

Hey, who cares? Hey, hey!

Get back here.

Who do you think you are?

And you had a tough break.

Listen, sometimes tough breaks turn out
to be lucky breaks. And what starts off

as the worst day in your life can turn
out to be the best day in your life.

Why are you telling me this? I have the
faintest idea.

It's not true.

I'm telling you because... I like you.

What?

I like you.

You do?

What, you barge into my life, you eat
two quarts of ice cream, you suction

yourself to my hip, you threaten to
relieve yourself on my loafers.

What's not to like?

I like you too.

So?

So.

What do we do now?

We could be best friends, and I could
come over to your house and play every

day.

Why don't I just write you a check
instead?

Huh?

Well, kids need things, don't they?

Scarves, mittens, those really silly
-looking galoshes.

A new baseball mitt?

Yeah, and a new baseball mitt.

Here.

This is for you.

Wow, $1 ,000 for a baseball mitt?

Get a bat, too.

Your mother will know what to do with
the rest of it.

Can I see something personal?

Yeah, go ahead.

Can I see your balance?

That's my boy.

bone to pick with you about a friend of
mine.

Oh, yeah?

Would that friend happen to be a sack of
sawdust?

You lowdown conniving puppet killer!

I demand an apology.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You got it.

Huh?

Congratulations. You're the new shop
steward.

What are you talking about?

The election's not until tomorrow.

Yeah, but it's all over for me.

I heard through the polls that you're
going to win by a landslide.

I guess you deserve to after what I did
to poor little Kermit the Log.

Why'd you do it, LaRue?

Shannon, what you saw was the act of a
desperate woman.

Without my job, I'm nobody.

I got no friend.

Got no social life.

That job was the only thing that I had
going for me in the whole wide world.

I had no idea it meant so much to you.

LaRue, if you want the

job, it's yours.

What? I think you're the best man for
the job.

I'm withdrawing from the race.

You'd do that for me, a woman that
treated you so rotten?

I'm funny that way.

I don't know what to say.

And

there's more

where that comes from.

Fail denied. Let's hold this one over
for the grand jury.

And that's all she wrote, folks.

About time.

Business as usual tonight, Dan?

Yeah, tonight it's Giselle, the hot oil
wrestler.

Oh, yeah, she's the one with
wethenality.

Dan, I know this may be a waste of
breath, but...

I just wanted you to know that the way
you handled that boy showed a lot of

warmth and human compassion.

I bet you're not wearing a bra.

You're a pig.

I'm sorry I'm late. I thought they'd
never let me out of there.

That's okay.

The game isn't started yet. We're all
set.