Original subtitles

Yeah? Sir, you want to join us for a little pre -trial snack?

No, you guys go without me.

I still got a few delicates I got to wring out before court.

All right, sir, what happened?

Well, all my clothes and most of my possessions got drenched by the water.

The water which came from? The big hoses.

Did I mention the fire?

No.

There was a fire in my apartment building last night. Not much was

the smoke and water damage will take a couple of days to clean up. Everything I

own was soaked.

So then, under your robe, you're... Cool and breezy, yes, ma 'am.

Very chic, sir. No unsightly panty line.

I'm glad you weren't hurt, sir. Well, thank God for small miracles.

In fact, here he is.

Four -legged toilet brush.

Whoa, pungent little dickens, isn't he?

Well, I admit he's a bit gamey.

Sir, a herd of wildebeest after a year -long migration across the Serengeti

Plain is a bit gamey.

That dog stinks.

Thank you, Mr. Mutual of Omaha.

This dog saved my life. He barked and woke me up just in the nick of time.

Wonder what his name is.

Sludge puppy'd be my girl.

They're just teasing you, fella.

I'd say that any dog that helps put out a fire deserves respect.

Put out a fire?

Fire marshal says it was the most amazing thing he ever saw.

In fact, he's demonstrating his technique on Dan's leg right now.

Let's call him Squirt.

Well, I'll tell you what, let's make it a $50 fine in time served, okay?

That's a wrap, people. Last one out, cleans up.

Sir? Oh, sir.

Sir, here are those reefs you wanted.

Reefs.

Sir?

Yeah?

Sir, have you thought about where you're going to stay tonight?

Well, I haven't really decided. I don't suppose any hotel is going to take me

with the dog, and after what he did for me, I don't really have the heart to

take him to the pound.

Well, you know, you can always stay at my place.

You sure it wouldn't be a problem? No, not at all.

Unless, of course, word leaks out that I'm fraternizing with a judge.

I mean, that sort of thing is considered breach of judicial ethics, which

probably could lead to dismissal, possibly even disbarment.

Say, about ten, then?

I'll take a rain check.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Sir, I'd let you stay with me tonight, but Cornley's pregnant and up half the

night retching and heaving and screaming.

And having a guest around would kind of take the romance out of him.

Uh -huh.

Hey, Rosalind. Don't even think it, sir.

I'm feuding with my neighbors and things are starting to get ugly.

What's the problem?

Oh, wild parties, loud music, gutter or moan.

All night, every night.

Maybe you should talk to him.

I did.

I said, if you don't like it, move.

Sir, I'd love to have you, but, well, I got a lady coming over tonight.

Bull Shannon, you bawdy, baldy bailiff, you.

vision of delight.

Myrna, she's with the circus.

You ever see one of those people they shoot out of a cannon?

You mean? Myrna catches them.

Uh, sir?

Sir, here's your dog.

Oh, great.

Hey, he smells wonderful.

Yeah, the guys in holding deloused him for you.

Well, wasn't that nice of them?

Yeah?

Kevin asked if you could stay with me.

Well, Dan, I just assumed you'd be busy with some crew -cut Amazon princess with

a great body and a bad attitude.

That's Saturday.

Tonight I'd be thrilled if you would stay with me, and I wouldn't want you to

feel any special debt or obligation.

That's very thoughtful of you, Dan.

Although I don't see how you could help it, considering the fact that I'll be

giving you shelter and the basic necessities of life in a time of crisis

absolutely no charge.

Thank you for helping me maintain my dignity.

What are friends for?

And the dog's no problem?

Oh, no, no, no. That little guy's number one in my book.

That little guy's number two on your shoe.

Just a fashion tip.

That really doesn't go with a blue suit.

Here we are. You know something I realize? You've never been here before,

you? No, this is virgin territory to me.

For me, too, sometimes.

Listen, you can sleep on the couch, and I'll make up a little bed for Fido in

the microwave.

I gotta say I'm surprised.

This apartment is very tasteful. In fact, it's sort of classy, even. Thank

I have a deep appreciation for the finer things in life, like my antique Chinese

vase here, my Monet print.

Your his and her coffins?

We found the bedroom.

Actually, it's more of a rumpus room.

Dan, that's no room. That is like something out of Dante's Inferno.

that is a bizarre, twisted, leather and chrome vision drawn from the depths,

nay, from the very bowels of hell.

My decorator really came through, didn't he?

Listen, make yourself comfortable. My home is your home.

I want you to stay here just as long as you want.

Hello? Yes.

Okay, fine.

I want you out of here now.

Just for a little while.

A couple of stewardess friends of mine are coming over to return me to a locked

and upright position.

A couple of them, huh? That's great. We can double.

Oh, no, no, no. Harry, you don't understand. They're both going to fly

Can I hang around in case you get bumped?

Please, not tonight. They're coming all the way in from Sweden. They're only

going to be in town tonight.

They're Swedish, huh?

Yes.

Ursula the Rude and Inga the Unquenchable.

Well, hell, I guess I could go catch a movie. Oh, great, great. Look, there's a

classic thing right around the corner.

Sex kittens go to Mars.

That's with Dame Judith Evans, right?

Listen, you better hurry. You don't want to miss that cartoon.

What about my dog?

Oh, he can stay here. I'll take care of it. Well, I hope you do, because, you

know, I've gotten kind of attached to him.

He's gotten kind of attached to my shin.

Well, that little Casanova.

Look at him go.

I guess that's what they call puppy love, huh?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Get off. I'm not that kind of leg.

Here you go.

Dan's best friend. Now, you two have fun. Take care of him. Uh -huh.

Bye now. Say bye -bye to the judge.

Great. The Super Bowl of Sex is about to start, and I'm stuck here with Humpty

the Wonder Puppet.

Hey, Dougie.

Hey, Dougie, look.

I'm really afraid of an eight -pound flea bag.

I could use a cigarette.

You could?

Do you smoke?

No.

But I'm thinking about starting.

Oh, Harry.

You mean Bruce?

L 'chaim.

Hey, Dan, your lifestyle is your business.

But as a friend, I gotta tell you, you can do much, much better.

I may not look like much, but you won't find a better M .D. in this borough, at

least not one who makes house calls.

He's your doctor.

Yes.

I knew that.

He lives next door. He was kind enough to come over to patch up the hole that

your mutt bit in my hindquarters.

Gosh, Dan, I'm sorry.

Oh, speaking of sorry.

Some woman called, said she and her friend were running late, but they'd be

later. Oh, Judas the priest. I forgot all about Ursula and Inga. Ursula and

Inga? Swedish stewardesses.

Oh, take two of these now. Two more when the rash breaks out.

One of these days, I'm going to write a paper about him.

Dan, are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah. It's just the proverbial flesh wound.

I think the Sveeds have a cure for it.

Where's the dog? I've got to take him with me. You do? The dog ran away. He

That's bad news.

It is?

Who is this geek?

What do you mean, bad news?

What do you think I mean?

Rabies.

Rabies.

Bruce, come on. That dog wasn't sick.

You can't tell by looking. He's got to be examined.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me a nip on the butt from some mongrel and I

could come down with a disease that will snuff out my life?

Let's put it this way.

Yeah. Oh, God!

Don't worry about it. All you have to do is find him within 24 hours.

Well, what if we don't?

He'll have to go through a series of shots that are so excruciatingly painful

that death would be preferable.

I'm kidding.

It's not like that anymore.

It's not?

Nah, it's no more painful than any other long series of intramuscular

injections.

Ah, you really had me going there.

Dan, we are so sorry.

This must be frightening.

No, this bedroom is frightening.

Hey, a mirror on the ceiling.

You can lie in that bed and shave at the same time.

Excuse me, can we talk about my personal habits later?

We've got to find that dog before I turn into Cujo.

That's right, people. We've got to get out on the street, we've got to talk to

people, we've got to put up posters, and we've got to find that dog. We've only

got about 20 hours left.

Oh, sure.

Four people, Manhattan.

No problem.

Thought I'd stop by, see how the patient is. Well, naturally, under the

circumstances, he's a little upset.

Well, that's to be expected.

Just try to keep his mind off it. Bruce, isn't there anything you can give me?

Hi, Benny.

Just take two of these and tell me about it in the morning.

No, we were just leaving.

Oh, but we like groups.

Yes, you just have fun written all over you, don't you?

No, but what a great idea.

Ah, if you'll excuse us.

Make America proud.

I have T -bills, and I'm willing to spend them on you.

I'm Harry, but then aren't we all?

Danny, is there something wrong?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Did I mention I do magic tricks?

Oh, poor baby.

See, I just made you disappear.

Listen, girls, I'm really glad that you called and came over, but I'm afraid

that, well, I just can't. What?

I think he just wants to watch.

No, uh, no, no. That's the last thing on my mind tonight.

You see, I'm really, really anxious right now. It's just that I might...

could... What are you trying to say?

Not tonight.

I have rabies.

Thought you should know.

Thank you, Dan.

Yes, thank you, Dan.

And since you're being so honest with us, I think we should be honest with

too. Huh? What? What are you talking about?

We used to be... men.

You look exhausted.

I have been walking the streets for nearly 20 hours now.

Did you come up with anything?

Yes.

119 indecent proposals.

Now I know how Dan's prom date must have felt.

Speaking of the devil, where is he?

He's in the bathroom and he's pretty nervous.

Can't say that I blame him. I've been reading about rabies in his medical

Scary, huh?

Listen to this.

The virus can cause many problems, including inflammation of the brain,

to violent seizures.

Oh, my God!

Don't panic. Just toothpaste.

Dan's been brushing his teeth for 16 hours straight.

Why? Because Inga and Ursula turned out to be Lars and Gunnar.

The old spy should have tipped me off.

I don't understand.

Well, wait around. It'll become a movie of the week.

What are you reading?

Oh, nothing.

Rabies? Let me see it. Dan, you really... Let me see it.

Once symptoms appear, no known treatment can save the victim from a slow and

agonizing demise.

That's kind of pesky.

Also, the treatment itself can be toxic and induce seizures and convulsions,

sometimes leading to death.

Okay, really pesky.

God! Dan, the stuff in that book is all outdated. The doctor said that the

treatment's very safe now.

Yeah, Dan, that stuff you read, it very, very rarely happens anyway.

No, this is it. I can feel it.

I can feel the illness welling up inside of me.

And now the time has come.

And I must face the final curtain.

But I did it my way.

Dan, you did it every way.

I'm back.

Hey, Bull.

What are you doing with the tubbo puppies?

I looked everywhere. I couldn't find your dog, but... You just couldn't

picking up every stray you saw, could you?

They're just such helpless, lost little creatures.

You could have left them in your car.

With the alligator?

You're not serious.

You won't believe this. Some wet goat's got a crocodile in a car out there.

It's an alligator.

You can tell by the snout.

Bruce? I feel horrible. I know I'm infected with rabies.

Oh, in that case, you'll have to pay cash.

This is great. I am dying, and I got Shecky Schweitzer here treating me.

you relax?

There's no way the symptoms could manifest this quickly.

Dan, you're overreacting.

Everything's going to work out. You got good friends out there, and I promise

you they are not going to give up until they find that dog.

We give up.

Dan? You gotta believe me.

We did everything we could.

We looked everywhere.

All I can say is, sorry.

Got any ho -hos?

Why don't we just have a little farewell party for Daddy Boy here?

Well, if you feel up to it.

Okay, Dan.

Tomorrow morning I'll take you to the hospital and we'll get you started on

those shots.

Did you hear that?

Sounded like scratching.

Well, welcome home.

I sure am glad to see you.

Welcome back, fella.

Oh, we sure missed you.

I cannot believe he actually fetched that ball I threw out of the window.

We were just playing.

So, Bruce, what do we do? Do we put him in quarantine until we find out he's

okay? It doesn't work that way.

We'll have to give him a brain tissue analysis.

Won't that hurt?

Lady, that dog has to be destroyed.

You're gonna kill him?

No! Hey, wait a minute, Bruce. Are you absolutely sure there's no other way?

It's Dan's life or the dog's.

I say we vote.

Cute. This is my life we're talking about.

He's right.

It's not fair, I can tell you that.

You already saved my life, and now you're gonna save Dan's.

This is how you get paid back, huh?

Oh, don't look at me with those doggy eyes.

It's hard enough as it is.

I want to stay with you all the way to the end.

And I'm going to miss you, fella.

His name is Coco.

My dog's name is Coco?

Yes, and he's my dog.

Oh, thank God I saw those posters.

Oh, come to mommy, little sweetie.

It's my itchy, bitchy, oogie, boogie, woogie.

Coco is my baby.

And the resemblance is amazing.

Pardon me, excuse me.

You remember me?

Terminal man here.

Ma 'am, has this dog been vaccinated for rabies? Of course. I have all his shot

records at home in his scrapbook.

Yeah, it's a filthy lamb! I guess you gotta take

the bitter with the sweet.

Ma 'am.

I'll need you to bring the dog and his shot records down to the health

department. Oh, I don't understand. What happened here?

Oh, Coco chomped Danny's hiney.

That's terrible.

We were afraid that there might have been a disease transmitted.

Oh, it's well you might.

God knows where he's been.

talk to you. I'm kind of busy, boss. It's important.

Well, then come into my office. I said talk in my office.

I

call

him Muffin.