Original subtitles

Guess who?

Captivating fragrance you're wearing. What do you call it?

Mazzola.

Sheila.

Hi, Dan.

So, what brings you by?

I have a new position.

Will it involve a loss of consciousness?

I mean, I have a new job.

I leave for L .A. at midnight.

What? You're walking out of my life just like that?

After everything we have meant to each other? After everything we have shared?

At least have the common decency to sleep with me during the dinner break.

What must you think of me to ask a question like that?

Of course I'll sleep with you.

Ready to begin, sir.

You've got to be kidding.

This is tonight's docket? Nope. The rest are being hauled up with a forklift.

What the hell's going on? Well, haven't you heard?

We've got a logjam of cases, Your Honor.

You've got about 200 to adjudicate.

200? Mac, that's not possible. On a good night, we do what? 75, 80?

Because of the overcrowding, a federal court ordered that all cases not

arraigned by midnight tonight be dismissed and the defendants set free.

Jake, I... to get out of here by 12.

Two hundred cases?

We have to arrange two hundred cases in one shift?

That's impossible.

Well, I guess we're going to have to cancel the ten o 'clock break.

No!

What I mean, sir, is that I rely on that break to rejuvenate myself, to refresh

myself, to have cheap sex in the broom closet.

Absolutely not.

Sheila brought her van.

gonna have to wait till after work to pop your clutch let's get started okay

people and we're off state versus john doe murdering yes sir mr doe

here refused to identify himself to police as a matter of fact he refuses to

anything to anybody is he deaf can you talk you want to go to the

slammer anybody got any idea maybe he's got laryngitis

Maybe he's got agoraphobia.

Maybe when he was eight, some kid dared him to stick his tongue to a frozen

flagpole.

And it got torn out, leaving only a pulpy, meaty stub.

You've been taking the toaster in the bathtub again, haven't you?

Your Honor, we could sit here all night guessing.

There's got to be a reason why he's not talking.

Where was he arrested?

Near Columbus Circle.

Hmm.

Say, isn't there a monastery near there?

Yeah, St. Raymond's. You mean... He could be a monk.

Don't some monks take a vow of silence?

Sure. Could it be possible? Could he possibly be a monk who's taken a vow of

silence? Yes!

Roz better take this one back for reprocessing.

Months of meditation and prayer.

Six years of training and commitment down the tubes.

I can't believe... Shut up.

I do not believe this.

A book burning? A public book burning? Take it easy, sir. I will not take it

easy. Not until people like this crawl into the 20th century and realize that

the freedom... of speech manifested in our literature is one of the very

cornerstones of our democracy.

Your Honor, they attempted to burn 1 ,200 copies of the same book.

I don't give a damn.

I feel it's my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremists

like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me.

The genius of Barry Manilow.

sir people versus mrs smith mac is that not the sweetest most

innocent looking face you have ever seen yes it is sir what's the charge

prostitution hello hello

yourself so you're the tart right

she admits it freely your honor That's the only thing she does freely.

Here's Mr. Reynolds, sir. He's the director of the Sunset Retirement Home

Mrs. Smith lives and hawks her tawdry wares.

So you admit you've been doing this for money?

Sometimes I do it for pudding.

Sometimes I do it in pudding.

I do it just for kick.

Can you imagine degrading yourself for green stamps?

Sure.

By now, I would have had enough of that sailboat.

Your Honor, Mrs. Smith has some character witnesses she would like to

her behalf.

Well, that's a little unusual under the circumstances, but, uh... Ah, sure, go

ahead.

men as happy as that before they met Mr. Smith?

No, but they could all walk.

Next, tenant -landlord dispute, sir.

Your Honor, Mr. Shea has refused to pay his rent for the last three months. When

he was given an eviction notice, he responded by barricading himself inside

his apartment.

Mr. Shea, what happens to be the problem?

All I need is a few more days. I mean, I've almost got it right.

Beg your pardon? Mr. Shea is an amateur magician, Your Honor.

I'm on the verge of an almost an amazing, an astounding, a revolutionary

Something that has never before been accomplished. Something that will alter

forever our very perceptions of reality.

Mr. Shea, as committed as I'm sure you are, the fact remains that

even successful magicians with unlimited resources and lots of money

sometimes... Spend lifetimes fruitlessly trying to develop...

Next

case.

Wait a minute. It is not my fault he canceled the dinner break.

Bye, Dan.

Oh, Dan, wait.

Listen to me. Look, look, look, look. All right.

Your flight's at 12 .30. We'll be out of here by 12 at the latest.

We take your van. I know a shortcut. We get to the airport by 12 .22. Take your

unbagged check -in. That'll leave one minute in the unloading zone.

All right.

All right.

Midnight, but not a second after.

Gentlemen, start your engine.

Mac, how many cases we got left?

Not including the last one, 135.

Oh, this is hopeless. No one can possibly adjudicate 200 cases in one

Well, Judge Klein arraigned 199, but that's the record. Yeah, well, I am not

Judge Klein. Oh, no, sir. You're not at all like Judge Klein, and he would be

the first to agree.

Oh, yeah?

Uh -huh.

Isn't he the one who called you an amateur?

A panty waist pup?

An underqualified and undernourished judicial error?

Let's take him down, Matt.

Yes, sir!

Let's go, sir.

People versus Grossman.

It's an attempt at suicide.

Well, I'll bet there's an interesting little goes with this one.

Yes, sir. Apparently, Mr. Grossman tried to terminate his life in a laundromat

by stuffing himself and $12 worth of quarters into a jumbo dryer.

Fortunately, they pulled him out right in the middle of a fluff cycle.

What do you mean, fortunately?

I was trying to kill myself.

Mr. Grossman, whatever would make you despondent enough to attempt

Come on, look at me.

You know what it's like to be this short?

Men pat me on my head.

Women snicker at me when I ask them out. The last job I was offered was as a

lawn jockey.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm nasty to go through life being five foot six.

You can't be five foot six. I'm five foot six.

What?

Mr. Grossman, you didn't by any chance set the dryer to...

high, did you?

Oh, my God.

Maybe you need a good shrink.

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, maybe psychiatric support is in order.

Wrong.

This way, Mr. Grossman. I'm ruined.

My life is even more desolate and hopeless than before.

Yes, but at least now you have that nice April fresh smell.

What's next, Mac?

Indecent exposure.

Mr. Prosecutor, the evidence?

No need to tag this one.

Sir, the next case involves mutual assault charges.

Who's this?

He claims to be God.

How dare you have the temerity to suggest that you're God?

Who are you?

I'm God.

The other defendant, Your Honor. Oh, God.

Yes?

Never mind.

If I am not treated with reverence and awe, I shall put a plague on your house.

And that address, please.

Come on, I think we can solve this problem without resorting to the

indiscriminate use of locusts.

Your Honor, the dueling supreme beings here manifested themselves in

Greenblatt's deli whereupon they began to smite each other with turkey rolls.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

How do you like a thunderbolt where the sun don't shine?

to know the mind of God, but what do you say we give Bellevue a crack at it?

Bo, would you escort the entities down to holding?

Going my way.

And I thought I screwed up when I made the platypus.

What's next, ma 'am? A fight over tablets, Your Honor.

Drugs? Yes, again.

do know that's available in paperback now, don't you?

What's the story?

Oh, my client was arrested for trespassing, Your Honor, but as the file

his record is spotless.

How do you plead?

Oh, please!

Oh, please!

Not bad.

Next case.

disturbing the peace and creating a public disturbance.

Killer. Stop it.

Murderer. Obviously, this is a domestic dispute.

Yes, the neighbors called police after they heard blood -curdling screams

emanating from the Boswell's rumpus room.

He killed Lucy.

It's been a death?

She's referring to the new Lucy TV show, sir.

Of course.

Sir, the Boswells are a TV ratings family.

What they watch in part determines what stays on the air.

We represent 840 ,000 viewers.

Have you got any idea what it's like to have your remote control wired to the

viewing pulse of a nation?

Kinky?

We never even go out anymore.

Never? Well, we went out once for our anniversary.

And?

I think what we're losing here is perspective.

Now, there are a lot of things in life much more important than television, and

I would think that first and foremost would be the sanctity and the harmony of

the family.

He canceled the Jetsons.

That was you?

I read a book.

It won't happen again.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you folks 200 bucks. Maybe that'll

help bring you back to reality.

have 200 bucks?

Weren't you informed that you were entitled to a phone call to prepare for

very possibility?

We made that phone call.

Sorry I'm late.

Listen, I left as soon as I got your message.

Who are you?

Brandon Tartikoff.

Brandon what -a -cough.

I'm Brandon Tartikoff, head of programming for NBC.

I'm here to post bail for the Bosworths.

Brandon, if that is your real name, the bailiffs will help you with that.

Listen, don't worry about a thing. I'll have you out of here in time to see The

Misfits of Science.

It's been canceled.

I knew that.

Mr. Tartikoff, what's the secret of your success?

Well, certainly luck and timing play a big part.

But I also pride myself on being a man of principle and integrity.

You see, I will kowtow to no one. Excuse me, are Mr.

Cosby's on the phone for you?

Oh, God, the sandwiches!

Tell him I already left.

He'll be right there.

Why don't you suck on one of those pudding pops while you wait?

Max, there's only 15 minutes left. Oh, but just two cases left, sir. You're

kidding. Oh, no, sir.

Hey, we're home free. Nothing's going to stop us now, sir. People versus Damon.

Let's start.

Your Honor, my client had a midnight deadline for a quarterly filing with the

IRS. Mr. Tuttle here was the postal clerk on duty. My client, frustrated

his pace, merely tried to stuff him in the overnight slot.

He's pretty cut and dry, huh, Mr. Tuttle? You have anything to say?

Yes.

Well, then go ahead.

Well...

It's a long

story.

Why am I seeing my life flashing before my eyes?

Well, he does have a legal right to speak, Your Honor.

Okay, Mr.

Tuttle, let her...

Dog's head cheese.

Bon appetit.

Mr. Tuttle, I got one question for you. Do you or do you not want to press

charges?

driving, sir. Tell him. All we gotta do is turn that over to the grand jury. We

could still make it.

I'm afraid not, Your Honor.

My client refuses to waive the reading of the information.

You what?

We never do that.

But the formal charge goes on and on and on.

Unfortunately, word got out that anyone not arraigned before midnight was set

free. Oh, we were so close.

Oh, well, that's it. We're finished.

No, we're not. Not as long as I got a chance to sleep with Matilda the Hun,

we're not.

Thank you.

Thank you.

National State of New Jersey, City of New York, State of New York, and

23152 of the vehicle code of misdemeanor was committed in defense of the

willfully and unlawfully while 1 .0 % or more weight of alcohol in the driver's

vehicle. The end.

What I really need is a man who takes his time.

And I found him.

What?!

for you downstairs.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Hey, pal, did I get your order?

Give me ten puddings.