All language subtitles for Night Court s04e14 The Modest Proposal

Hey, gang, how goes the world?

Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig
in bizarre love triangles.

Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

Hi, Harry.

Hey, hi, guy. How you doing? Fine, just
fine. Good to see you all. Oh, good to

see you. Who the hell is this guy?

Haven't got a clue.

So, Harry, how are your pet rabbits
worms?

Thank you, Al.

Tell them you asked.

Excuse me, but you have us at a
disadvantage. We don't know your name.

Wait, I remember now.

His name is, uh, uh... It's Bill.

No.

No, I'm pretty sure it is. We met at
your Christmas party.

Christmas. I was also at your Halloween
party, the New Year's Eve luau, and your

birthday. Oh, I get it. You're my
caterer. Hey!

This guy is tremendous. He can make a
meatloaf that looks like Dizzy

face.

I'm afraid I'm not following. Hi,
everybody.

Hi. I see you found Bill.

Who? Me.

I got it.

George.

So, what brings you around?

Oh, not much.

We just wanted to announce we're getting
married, that's all.

Mary? Can you top that?

Bigfoot reveals miracle diet.

So, we'll meet back here on my break
around nine?

That's good for me. I am going to pencil
you in.

Quite a guy.

Oh, yeah.

Got all the charisma of a three -bean
salad.

See you later, sweetheart.

Affirmative.

What a disgusting display.

I get more action fishing for my keys.

Well, well, well, well, well, well,
well.

I guess you're a little shocked, aren't
you?

Well... Actually, I'm a little shocked
myself.

You know, all your life you think love
is going to be this flash of passion and

romance. It hits you over the head like
a sledgehammer, but it's not like that.

It's calm and quiet, and it builds up
slowly over time.

Kind of like flack.

Beg your pardon?

I said, is that a fact?

We'll remand this one over to a higher
court.

Well... Hey, how's the weather up there?

Listen, you got a sister?

Why don't we throw Christine one of
those really filthy X -rated stag

Dan! We'll tell her it's a buffet.

But we'll arrange all the little
sausages in a... Dan!

I guess you don't want to know what's in
the watermelon boat, do you?

I do.

What do you got?

People versus debosians, sir.

Yes, sir. Destruction of property caged
here.

The Attorney's Authority police arrested
Mr. DeBoson here when they observed him

trying to tamper with a vending machine.
Apparently, he had lost some change in

it and in an attempt to retrieve it, he
got a metal object with which he tried

to open the machine and force the coin
box, thereby defacing the mechanism of

dispensing the product.

Not only the glass... Are you in some
kind of pain, woman?

I am so sorry, Your Honor. I was just...
Twisting the night away. Yeah, I know.

Mr. DeBosian pleads guilty, Your Honor.
Does he? Well, then guilty it is. $100

fine?

All right, that's lunch, people. Eat
them if you got them.

Your Honor, Bill and I would like a
moment of your time. Who?

Me. Oh, right. Why don't you two
lovebirds wait in my office? I'll be

And don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Could you specify exactly what it is you
wouldn't do?

Oh, I don't think I get it.

You won't much after the honeymoon,
either.

I beg your pardon? Come on, Bill.

Love is strange, huh?

Yeah. If you know what you're doing.

Hey, kids, make yourselves

at home.

Excuse me, Harry.

What is this thing?

Are you serious? That's a slinky.

Slinky?

And what do you do with it?

You do this.

Why?

Because it's fun.

Huh. Ah.

Better put it away before we bust a gut,
huh?

So, what's your line of work?

He's an actuary for all the top
insurance companies.

Insurance. Golly, who would have
guessed?

Bill discovered the statistical link
between a sedentary lifestyle and colon

polyps. We should discuss that sometime.

Perhaps over dinner.

So when's the big event?

Ten months from now.

And we want you to marry us, sir.

Specifically, December 23rd at 145.

I'm busy.

Gee, that's too bad.

That's a joke.

Come on, what kind of idiot would
schedule something ten months in advance

to the minute?

Right.

Hey, I tell you what. Would you give
Christine and I just a couple of minutes

alone to have a chat, huh? Oh, I don't
mind at all. I'm sure I'll find some way

to amuse myself.

Well, if you get too bored, you can
always count the holes in the acoustical

tiling.

Oh, wow.

So, what do you think?

Oh, I really, really like his shoes.

He has the largest collection of
wingtips in the state. I knew that.

Miss Sullivan, may I be frank?

Of course.

Your friend, he's kind of a...

What you would call, uh, how do you say
it? He's, uh... Interesting?

Well, in a dietary fiber sort of way.

What are you trying to say, sir? Well,
it's just that anybody who didn't know

him the way you do might find him sort
of... dull.

Dull?

Of course, they'd be missing his fun
side.

500 ,386 holes in the tiling.

practically have to rip the lampshade
off his head.

Well, I will admit he's not into
outrageous behavior.

Miss Sullivan, he's not into lifelike
behavior.

What? All right, I know it's probably
none of my business. That's right.

It's none of your business.

Hey, I am only thinking of you. You
know, just because a person doesn't like

pull paper snakes out of his nostrils
doesn't make him dumb.

You never even gave that trick a chance.

You know, you are prejudging him just
because he's not a skinny, ridiculous

adolescent clown.

I am not skinny.

You know, I was probably wrong. You two
are perfect for each other. You dot all

your I's, you cross all your T's, you
schedule and plan the fun out of

everything, and you know why?

Because you are afraid of life. Oh, that
is not true!

You name one spontaneous thing you have
ever done. Just one.

Bill!

We're not getting married ten months
from now. We're getting married tonight!

Good example.

Yeah.

I got the marriage license.

Well, that was quick.

Oh, I pulled a few strings.

Now, you've got to sign right here.

Oh, think of it, John. In just a few
short hours, our little Christine is

actually going to get married.

By you.

I pity the slob who's still carrying the
torch for her.

His gut should be twisting in the wind
right now.

In fact, I've got the antacid right
here, sir.

The nummies are here.

Oh, you bought a cake?

The bakery had a last -minute
cancellation.

Happy 50th anniversary, Sam and Flora.

Sam had a heart attack this morning.

I guess this is Christine's lucky day.

Maybe we could trade him to China for a
panda.

Mac, what's left?

Just the I do, sir. No more cases? Uh
-uh. Nothing at all? Only the power

in you.

Well, then, let the joyous festivities
begin.

Folks, we're adjourned.

Well, I hope I'm not late. I got started
on a three -axis spreadsheet, and

before I knew it, I was up to my neck in
multivariate statistics.

Don't you just love it when they talk
dirty?

Let's gather around and get this thing
over with.

Everybody say cheese.

Darn it, my pictures never turn out.

Bull, you do know you have to wait 60
seconds for the picture to develop.

had that camera?

Seven years.

Four vacations.

The flying saucer.

The time I met Rula Lenska.

Okay, then.

Dearly beloved, and all creatures great
and small,

we are gathered here to join these two
people in the bonds of holy wedlock.

which is a word that's made up of two
other words, wed, meaning to marry, and

lock, meaning to affix permanently,
which brings another topic to mind, that

locks and hardware, other hardware.

Your Honor.

Yeah? Perhaps we could speed things up
if you only said things that actually

made sense.

Right.

You know who you are.

Do you take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold

through sickness and health, rich or
poor, as long as you both shall live?

I do. Are you sure?

Yes. Okay, I'm just asking.

You don't have to bite my head off.

And do you, Christine Sullivan, take
this man to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

to have and to hold through sickness and
health, rich or poor, for

as long as you both shall live.

cost me over $200.

I can believe it. It's not leaking at
all.

Wow.

It's true.

You wait long enough, it does come out.

Look at this.

Whoa.

These are the times of our lives.

Humiliated, mortified.

Come on, what's there to be embarrassed
about?

I threw up in a briefcase at my own
wedding.

Besides that.

I don't know, it must have been all the
excitement.

Christine, can I make an observation
here?

Feel free.

Your fiancé's a dud.

Ron, you don't even know him. He's
just...

Honey, my parking spot is reserved.

That guy's a paperweight.

Oh, Roz, not you too. Why is everybody
against it?

Forget everybody.

What about you?

What, you think this is a mistake too?

I think you should do what you want.

Just be sure about it.

I mean, you're going to have to live
with this decision for the next 40 or 50

years.

47 .3.

Bill figured that out.

It's a long time to go between laughs.

And you do seem to like people who make
you laugh.

Oh, the next thing you'll be telling me
is I belong with someone like Harry.

Harry? Come on.

Harry's the kind that'll give you
nothing but fun.

Warmth. One good time after another.

47 .3 years of that, and where are you?

I gotta run.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll be there in a minute.

Take your time.

But whatever you decide, and I can't
stress this enough, cock that ring.

I managed to pick up the letters on the
cake with a knife and rearrange them

into something more appropriate.

Love is my saliva.

I had to work with what was there.

How is she?

About two pounds lighter.

That's statistically impossible.

Not in our cafeteria.

Is she coming back?

Yes.

I'm sorry for the delay.

Shall we continue?

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Why do you ask?

Well, a minute ago you did Lego your
ego.

Oh, I've forgotten all about that.

Maybe this will ring a bell.

And they say there's always room for
jello.

If we could continue.

Yeah, okay, let's regroup.

Where was I?

I believe you were up to Christine.

So I was.

Miss Sullivan, do you take this man to
be your lawfully wedded husband, to have

and to hold through sickness and health,
rich or poor, as long as you both shall

live?

No.

No?

No?

At least he's taking it well.

Bill, I'm so sorry. I'm truly sorry.
It's horribly unfair to you, but I just

decided I can't go through with this.

I hope you understand.

You get what?

Everything. Every joke I've ever heard.
My God, now I get it.

$20, same as in town.

Take my wife, please.

To get to the other side.

I heard my Aunt Letitia laugh like that
once.

Right before she broke out the meat axe.

You should know, in one illuminating
flash, I realized what a dull, dry,

predictable life I've been leading.

No, Phil, I wouldn't say that.

Well, of course you wouldn't, because
you're as dull, dry, and predictable as

used to be.

My God, I almost married you. Talk about
dodging a bullet.

Hey, do you get it?

I'm so glad I came to my senses before I
did anything permanent.

Hey, sweetheart, do yourself a favor.
Take your cork out before it's too late.

What's the matter with you?

Weddings are just so...

let's get you out of those wet things.

Oh, gee, golly, Ned, would you look at
the time? I've got to alphabetize my

felonies. Yeah, and I'd better get to
the cafeteria before they take the skin

off the pudding.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm real sorry things didn't work out.

I know that that was not easy for you.

No, I'm fine, really.

Okay.

And thank you. For what? For not saying
I told you so.

Anytime.

No,

you first, please. No, you.

I... I just wanted to tell you that...
Yeah.

I found the Epstein file.

Good, good.

I was just going to ask you about the
Epstein file.

What, you really? Isn't that funny? We
were both going to say the same thing.

That's funny.

i'll see you tomorrow yeah see you
tomorrow

Yeah, almost had a wedding.

But we didn't.

Too bad.

Yeah, too bad.