Original subtitles

Ross? Judge?

Everybody back from lunch yet?

Nope.

It's just you and me.

By golly, you're right.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

I'm 32.

I'm a fun -loving tourist whose hobbies include full -contact karate, Brahma

bull riding, and small -caliber weapons.

Quit while you're ahead, sir.

Dean just had a scare, sir.

Miss Sullivan, what happened?

I don't really know. The last thing I remembered, I was eating lunch. She took

bite and then she started to choke.

Then she fell on the floor in a fit of violent convulsions.

You smell wonderful. What's that you're wearing?

Veal piccata.

Sir, it was incredible.

He saved her life.

He was so heroic. Who?

Please, please, please. Dr.

Fielding.

Fielding's a doctor?

No, it's just a hobby.

Ask about his free home physical.

So, how's the patient?

He saved Christine?

It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us

Wanda's whip emporium.

The other side.

Oh.

How to save a choking victim.

Step one, give the victim a swift blow to the back to clear air passage. Step

two, clear the mouth of any foreign object.

Step three, loosen constrictive clothing.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.

Dan, I owe you everything.

How can I possibly repay you?

Sleep with me.

Should have taken death while she had the chance.

All right, the hot tub and the car phone and the trip to Acapulco, but that is

my final offer.

Dan, I can't sleep with you.

I understand.

There's no reason you should feel obligated.

There isn't? No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but grab you

from the jaws of death just seconds before and...

Organizing demise.

Sorority girls. I'll get you sorority girls.

Nah.

What am I doing?

Negotiating your first slave trade?

Miss Sullivan, listen, I know this is none of my business.

I say that a lot, don't I?

That's okay, sir. We don't pay attention to you no more.

Listen, Dan is just using this as an excuse to hit on you.

I know that.

But he saved my life, Your Honor. He rescued me. From the jaws of death

before an agonizing demise.

I'm fine. It's okay. Never mind.

I must have just pulled my back up. when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless

body to safety.

What if I had a sex change?

He'd counter with his own.

Then none of us would be safe.

First case, sir. What do you got, Mac?

Oh, trespassing, destruction of private property, and assault with a chicken.

A little foul play, huh?

Well, that's good, sir. Get it all out of your system now.

What a world.

You try to save someone and they attack you with a smoldering thigh.

You're lucky I wasn't making beef.

Hey, guys. You'd feel it if I hit you with the business end of a chuck roast.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, what is the problem?

Mr. Brush here was passing by Mr.

Friedman's residence when he smelled smoke.

He pounded on the door. There was no answer. Whereupon Mr. Brush burst in,

Mr. Friedman attacked him with the entree in question.

You're walking by. You smell smoke. You break in, and then you assault

him with this... Plump, juicy fryer, that's correct.

The house was on fire. There were billows of smoke coming out of the

the god -awful smell of carnage. Oh, that's my special sauce.

I was barbecuing, and then this maniac tears my door down with an axe.

Where'd you get an axe?

It was in my car.

You carry an axe in your car?

Along with a rope, blowtorch, and the jaws of life.

It's a Volvo.

ask you to pay some restitution to Mr. Freeman here. Your Honor, may I approach

the bench?

What am I going to say? No.

Your Honor, judge not, lest ye be judged.

Kind of puts a crimp in the old job description, partner.

You know, I have been watching the proceedings and, well, I must say in all

conscience, this is a travesty of justice.

No sin was committed here. This man risked his life for another.

And how has all of our lives been enriched by that experience?

I mean, perhaps there are some of us here who are even alive today due to the

unselfish generosity of another.

No, no.

These people who help their fellow man or woman, as the case may be, deserve

recognition of this courtroom.

Haven't we all had to say to ourselves, have I truly given?

Have I given enough of myself?

Have I given until it hurts?

All right, I'll sleep with him!

Say hallelujah!

In

conclusion,

Your Honor... I would like to state that even though my client has pleaded

guilty, we would like to request a

suspended sentence due to the circumstances. Your Honor, may I request

prosecutor refrain from ogling me during my closing statement?

Does the prosecutor have anything pertinent to add?

Let the record show that the

prosecution...

We'll make that a suspended sentence in lieu of time served.

What's next, Mac?

That's it, sir.

What do you mean, that's it?

You mean the judicial cupboards are bare.

They can't be. I mean, with all the senseless, heinous crimes in New York,

surely we can squeeze in one more.

Sorry, Miss Sullivan.

Do you have any last requests?

in front of witnesses.

Here. Now, the address is on the key.

Knock twice and ask for... mercy.

I'm gonna be loved by you.

Not you and nobody else but you.

Boo -boo -bee -doo.

Get her to switch to decaf.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm a little bit on edge. No, no, no.

Lizzie Borden was a little bit on edge.

You are downright freaked. Now, come on. You don't have to go through with this.

I have no choice.

Miss Sullivan, I can't believe you were put back on this earth so you could

sleep with Dan Fielding.

Look, I appreciate your concern, Your Honor, but I am a big girl now and I can

make my own decisions.

And the sooner I get out of here, the sooner this will be over with.

Dan forgot his overnight bag.

See you in September.

Careful, Yard. Huh?

Could have fallen over. Ah, thank you, Ross.

I guess this means I saved your life.

Isn't that what you think?

I'll take cash.

You're beautiful.

You're beyond beautiful.

You're divine.

Enter

and

indulge your wildest fantasy.

Manager, sir, with the champagne you requested. Oh, great. You found it. Yes,

indeed. Though it was a difficult task. After all, Chateau Libido is not one of

our usual brands.

Shall I unscrew it for you?

Perfect. This could be the greatest night of my life.

Okay, I want this over with before I vomit.

Let the good times...

Faith?

I suppose we could use this later, huh?

Come on.

Let's go.

Right.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I know 52 of them.

is cheap.

It's boot time.

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

Uh, uh, spy satellite. You know, I better close this curtain.

Dan! There's a man out on the ledge! Oh, man! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

That's silly. Don't! I'm positive!

That's ridiculous. It's just a bird.

I just got a beard.

What are you doing out there?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm plunging to my death.

You can't.

Why? Yeah, why?

Who's that? I don't know.

I'll be going now. No, wait.

It might be for you.

I wasn't expecting anybody.

Hi,

guys. I'm real sorry to barge in, but I have some depositions that I need signed

by morning. And I don't believe I've met the gentleman on the left.

for stopping by.

Here, uh, you can get whatever information you need off my driver's

Uh, we got a complaint on a jumper.

It's a cop!

Okay, freeze!

Hello.

Why are we all on the floor?

I have no idea.

Who the hell is she?

Who the hell are you?

It's Harold Phelps, and he's got a gold card.

Because I'm 38 years old. Well, so am I.

And I'm a virgin.

Happy landings.

Hello.

What's going on?

The man on the ledge has never had sex.

Oh, my dear Lord.

Cyril, if you didn't go around telling people, nobody would know.

Evening.

What's with the virgin in the window?

Chastity breath.

Down!

Hey, listen, I'm tired of Brother Teresa here mucking up my evening.

All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. What about us guys who are?

You jump off this thing, splunk down there, splatter all over the sidewalk.

is going to be very upset.

And I'm going to wind up playing with the TV remote all night.

I didn't mean to ruin your evening. It's just...

anything can do. Well, listen, if you're going to stay, stay. If you're going to

jump, jump.

Bye. No.

Let go. Let go of me. Let go of me. Hey, hey.

This man just saved your life.

And now...

anything around here.

You know, on you, this works.

What are you people doing here?

Just consider us a sexual swap team.

You thought I wasn't old enough to make my own decisions, didn't you?

You all thought I needed to be condescended to and chaperoned like a

girl, didn't you?

Yes.

to get out.

How about a couple of wheat thins?

Kudos for a lovely party.

the Samoan burial dress here?

I thought it added that festive touch of the island.

Listen to me. You agreed to this and then you waltz in here dressed in

Burr's nightie.

supposed to be breathing?

Does it matter?

Not really.

I can't.

I beg your pardon?

I want to, but I can't.

Why? Why?

Why do you think why?

You forgot your batteries?

It couldn't be that you respect me.

That's it. You respect me, Dan.

All right, fine. Yes, right.

My regular Phil Donahue.

I knew you had a decent side. I knew you couldn't go through with this under the

circumstances. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You knew it? Yes.

And you didn't tell me?

If you were to find out by yourself, I wanted you to see that you are not half

as desperate as you think you are. Nor half as smart, obviously.

What do you mean by that? I mean, I thought... Thought what?

I thought there was a chance you really liked me.

And all you needed was an excuse to show it.

So, you thought by pressuring me into the situation, I'd feel free to... Let

your ya -ya's out, right?

If the real Dan Fielding, the one I know is lurking in there somewhere, were

ever to have the courage to let down his guard and be himself, to risk

vulnerability and to approach me with complete honesty, I don't know what

have happened.

Dan,

I had such faith in you when I was right.

Now, maybe someday...

You'll find some in yourself.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe someday I'll come to grips with these opposing forces inside of me.

But until I do, I am going to hit on you every day of my

life.

As long as there is blood running through these veins or there is a vacant

anywhere in this city, you are not going to be safe in my presence.

Understood? Mm -hmm.

Understood. Max!

Dan!

Let's go get something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

I'll buy.

Okay.

I really do want to thank you for saving my life.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for that.

I think you just did.

Miss Sullivan.

Mr. Fielding.

About those people at work.

Oh, Dan.

Dan, you don't even have to think about them.

As far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is...

Nobody's business but ours.