Original subtitles

Hey, guys, guess what?

Tomorrow is Dan's birthday.

So I was thinking, why don't we give him a surprise birthday party?

Because we all hate him.

Oh, yeah, right.

But on the other hand, if we start treating Dan like a human being, maybe

start acting like one.

Really? Really? Mrs. Claus caught him with one of the lady elves in Back of

Slave.

Preliminary hearings next week.

Tell all your little friends.

You were saying, sir?

Why do you say we all chip in and get him a serious wound?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

I'm going to do my homework now, Harry. Great. Did you clean up your room today?

Yes, sir.

But I think I used too much wax on the carpet.

Anybody need a vacuum?

You know, I really do admire you, sir. Taking care of a boy that age is a big

responsibility.

Someday, I plan to have a family of my own.

Hi, Mac.

My family just came in from Vietnam, and they've decided to live with us.

Ask, and ye shall receive.

Sir, I just picked up the birthday cake for Dan's surprise party tonight.

Great, let's have a look.

Okay, sir.

But hold on to your hat.

I had it made at one of those X -rated bakeries.

Is that... Strawberry cream, yes, sir.

You think Dan will like it?

I think he'll marry it.

Can I go?

Guess what? Go ahead. Take the wildest guess you can think of.

Morley Safer is doing a plate -spinning act in Vegas.

Okay, take the second wildest guess you can think of.

Well, I'm afraid it involves Morley again. Never mind.

Finally got a date with that nympho in Xerox.

Really? She's from California.

Oh, Dan.

California? I'm not even going to have to buy her dinner?

I'm real happy for you, Dan.

Why don't you bring her by my apartment tonight, huh?

I'd like to go it alone this time. Maybe next week.

Dan.

I'm having a surprise birthday party.

For you tonight.

Surprise party for me?

Harry, no one has ever done anything like that for me before in my life.

No one ever cared that much.

Maybe some other time.

Dan, I went out on a limb for you on this one.

What about my date? Bring her along.

She only... He eats health food.

We'll have hay.

Here's your coffee.

Look at them over there.

Smiling and laughing.

And wondering what's in my refrigerator they missed.

They didn't bring anything with them?

A sacred calf.

That kind of puts the damper on rib night then, doesn't it?

Only they didn't follow me to work.

Oh, come on. I bet they're just proud of you.

Watch this.

They must go

to...

Okay.

Now, I got us a room at this quaint little 18th century inn on Long Island.

Wow, totally awesome.

I beg your pardon?

Just don't forget, Danny, my sexual bio -rhythms hit their apex at midnight.

Midnight.

What happens at 12 .01?

Remember Cinderella?

Her two ugly stepsisters.

All right, bring them!

Remove watch.

Put watch in magic bag.

Hit watch with hammer.

Watch with hammer, really.

Read chapter 14, palming the phony watch.

Aw.

Evening, sir.

I've got the party papers for tonight.

Well... Some of them are, uh, a little bit, um, naughty.

Let's have a look.

Couple of toads playing leapfrog?

Is that what they're doing?

Great film.

Well, it's a thought to count.

I want them dead.

Matt, what happened?

Kwan Lee's family... declared my lunch hour as a religious holiday.

Uh, where are they now?

Blessing the salad bar.

I've been there. It couldn't hurt.

Sir, I gotta talk to somebody. I'm afraid I may do something drastic.

I mean, Quan Lee's family act as if my sole role in life is to cater to their

every need.

Well, yeah, Mac, it seems like in all fairness they could be willing to make

some kind of sacrifice.

Oh, they did.

Guess we had to clean it up.

Maybe I could help. I could talk to him at the party tonight.

At the party tonight?

You invited Quan Li's family to the party tonight?

Yeah.

Don't want to be rude.

He'll probably bring the cattle.

swish it in the dip.

Everybody, take a seat, take a seat, take a seat.

Program note, tonight I will be assisted by the very able and lovely and ever

-present Mr. Leone.

He made me do it.

How about a little magic music, Mr. Leone?

That's plenty of the magic music, Mr. Leone. I need the magic ball.

I need the magic bucket.

Watch. Watch as the magic ball makes its mysterious journey.

Look. Look.

It floats.

And it flies.

And it... Boys, it's here.

Come on, people. I'm working here.

Let's skip the magic ball for the moment.

Well, I thought that was cute.

Look, he's taken out something else.

Oh, God, let it be a TV guy.

A traditional classic, always a crowd pleaser, the rabbit from the hat.

Look, there's a little hare.

But seriously, folks.

Sir, would you examine the hat and see it is absolutely empty?

Is it safe to assume those aren't raisinets?

9 .37.

I think it's beginning.

Oh, no, don't start without me.

Yes, yes, I'm on my upward curve. I'm not.

Just wait. I'll give you some punch.

Wait, no. Come with me to the bowl.

says she's very sorry about your TV set. She had no idea.

What about my TV set?

She said she didn't know what it was.

She thought evil spirits had invaded our furniture.

And? She released them.

With? A sledgehammer.

And here it is, friends.

The magic box.

That is it. It sure is shooting is, Mac.

Miss Oven?

Enter Le Magic Pop. I didn't say anything when they planted crops in my

Kind of small in there, isn't it? I didn't say anything when they

shrine in my garage.

One leg at a time.

But they touched my TV.

Okay, what do I do now?

All you have to do is scream when I cut through your vital organs.

Just like that.

What's the matter?

I feel the tortured souls of my ancestors trying out in agony.

Okay.

I don't want to hear any more of this tortured ancestral soul jive talk.

Now watch as I ram the blades through her body.

Now we're talking fun.

I want them out.

You have dishonored my family. Do you realize what this means?

And though she appears...

Half.

My legs!

Oh, Christine, would you please stop whining?

Hello?

Mrs. Lund.

Oh.

You know Mrs.

Lund from Juvenile Services?

Oh.

What brings you to our neighborhood, huh?

Hey! She's in a sexual trance. I need ice.

In the bucket next to the freezer.

Right.

Well, as you know, our agency requires us to make these surprise inspections.

Sir, I'm afraid they're going to start flinging the weenies around.

Put them up, huh, Bo?

Check.

To ensure that our foster children are being exposed to a suitable environment.

My family says they are going to kill themselves.

Have I come at a bad time?

I'm sorry, but did those people say something about killing themselves?

that, didn't it?

Where is Leon?

Right here.

Did I mention that he has his own room?

I see he has his own nylons and heels, too.

Mrs. Lund, I know how all this must look, but believe me, I can explain

everything.

for Dan Fielding? In the kitchen.

You see, Mrs. Lott, we, yeah.

My family would like to know if this is a good time to slay themselves?

Sure.

I mean, no.

No.

No slay self.

Try cheese log.

do? Spread themselves to death?

You ought to try these knee highs. They're so comfortable.

Happy birthday.

She's for you.

You pop the red ones at 20 bucks extra.

It's 10 .15. Time to start. Gotta run.

Not till after the cake.

Oh, please.

She's from California.

Would you read my script?

It's stuck.

What's stuck?

The magic box.

Oh, uh, can we keep her? Leon.

That's Mrs. London's mind.

Mac, you must apologize to them. For what?

Wanting to live with my own wife in my own livestock free house?

You have offended Grandfather Holmes.

You're lucky I haven't poached Grandfather Holmes.

He wants to speak.

Oh.

What'd he say?

Don't worry, Quinley. Help is on the way.

I'm so frightened.

His heart stopped beating.

Well, it's ticking again.

Actually, Quan Lee, Mac saved your grandfather's life.

I spilled some punch.

Yeah, who is it?

Fire Department.

Come in.

Good Lord, there she is.

Don't worry, little lady, we'll have you out in just a minute. No, no, no, it's

the Asian gentleman in my bedroom.

The Asian gentleman in your bedroom.

Right.

And use the door.

$11 .59.

Oh, gosh.

I'm awfully warm.

Danny?

Oh, Danny, I'm peaking. Oh, no, no, no, no, you dastard. Don't. Oh,

look, the snorkel truck.

Just like that?

Totally.

But don't worry.

I peek again in the...

That's a nasty punch stain on your carpet in there.

Yeah, right. Listen, while you're here, would you help me get this girl out of

the box? It's stuck.

Sure, why not?

Phil, go get the jaws of life.

The jaws of life?

Big tools for big jobs.

Did I break it?

No, no, you opened it. Get me out!

Will we ever repay you?

Oh, don't worry, Quan Li.

Although a TV would be nice.

from dragging up the jaws of life.

Oh, yeah.

She went down real easy, didn't she?

Couch. Oh, yeah, right.

Hi -ho.

Translation? He says you're a hero.

Oh, yeah?

He says he owes you his life. And in our country, when a man saves your life,

you grant him anything he wishes.

Anything at all?

Grandfather says he knows what you want. You want them to leave.

It is done.

You mean they're moving out?

Yes. All right!

All right!

Hey, I just can't put them on the streets. Where will they go?

Presidential Suite.

Regency Hotel.

Grandfather speaks English?

No.

Well, thanks for caring, Mac.

But money is no problem. I'm stinking rich.

Why did you want to stay with us?

Well, ancient tradition.

It would be an insult not to.

Hey, some tradition sucks rocks, don't it?

What about that heart attack? I've got to go now. See you later.

You planned this whole thing, didn't you?

Moi?

You sly old devil.

But how did you know it was going to be Max who would come to your rescue? For

many years during the war, Max took care of my family in Vietnam.

He's a caring, compassionate man.

Now, figuring that out was no magic.

Naughty! So as

you can see, Mrs. Blonde, it really was an incredible string of coincidences.

Yeah, well, Judge Stone, I can't quite believe it, but you do seem to

successfully have explained everything.

And it's all true.

Every word of it. Mrs. Lott, I want you to know that for Leon's sake, I have

taken great pains to make sure that this home is of the strictest moral

character.

Jake?