All language subtitles for Night Court s03e15 The Apartment

Hey, guys, guess what?

Tomorrow is Dan's birthday.

So I was thinking, why don't we give him
a surprise birthday party?

Because we all hate him.

Oh, yeah, right.

But on the other hand, if we start
treating Dan like a human being, maybe

start acting like one.

Really? Really? Mrs. Claus caught him
with one of the lady elves in Back of

Slave.

Preliminary hearings next week.

Tell all your little friends.

You were saying, sir?

Why do you say we all chip in and get
him a serious wound?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

I'm going to do my homework now, Harry.
Great. Did you clean up your room today?

Yes, sir.

But I think I used too much wax on the
carpet.

Anybody need a vacuum?

You know, I really do admire you, sir.
Taking care of a boy that age is a big

responsibility.

Someday, I plan to have a family of my
own.

Hi, Mac.

My family just came in from Vietnam, and
they've decided to live with us.

Ask, and ye shall receive.

Sir, I just picked up the birthday cake
for Dan's surprise party tonight.

Great, let's have a look.

Okay, sir.

But hold on to your hat.

I had it made at one of those X -rated
bakeries.

Is that... Strawberry cream, yes, sir.

You think Dan will like it?

I think he'll marry it.

Can I go?

Guess what? Go ahead. Take the wildest
guess you can think of.

Morley Safer is doing a plate -spinning
act in Vegas.

Okay, take the second wildest guess you
can think of.

Well, I'm afraid it involves Morley
again. Never mind.

Finally got a date with that nympho in
Xerox.

Really? She's from California.

Oh, Dan.

California? I'm not even going to have
to buy her dinner?

I'm real happy for you, Dan.

Why don't you bring her by my apartment
tonight, huh?

I'd like to go it alone this time. Maybe
next week.

Dan.

I'm having a surprise birthday party.

For you tonight.

Surprise party for me?

Harry, no one has ever done anything
like that for me before in my life.

No one ever cared that much.

Maybe some other time.

Dan, I went out on a limb for you on
this one.

What about my date? Bring her along.

She only... He eats health food.

We'll have hay.

Here's your coffee.

Look at them over there.

Smiling and laughing.

And wondering what's in my refrigerator
they missed.

They didn't bring anything with them?

A sacred calf.

That kind of puts the damper on rib
night then, doesn't it?

Only they didn't follow me to work.

Oh, come on. I bet they're just proud of
you.

Watch this.

They must go

to...

Okay.

Now, I got us a room at this quaint
little 18th century inn on Long Island.

Wow, totally awesome.

I beg your pardon?

Just don't forget, Danny, my sexual bio
-rhythms hit their apex at midnight.

Midnight.

What happens at 12 .01?

Remember Cinderella?

Her two ugly stepsisters.

All right, bring them!

Remove watch.

Put watch in magic bag.

Hit watch with hammer.

Watch with hammer, really.

Read chapter 14, palming the phony
watch.

Aw.

Evening, sir.

I've got the party papers for tonight.

Well... Some of them are, uh, a little
bit, um, naughty.

Let's have a look.

Couple of toads playing leapfrog?

Is that what they're doing?

Great film.

Well, it's a thought to count.

I want them dead.

Matt, what happened?

Kwan Lee's family... declared my lunch
hour as a religious holiday.

Uh, where are they now?

Blessing the salad bar.

I've been there. It couldn't hurt.

Sir, I gotta talk to somebody. I'm
afraid I may do something drastic.

I mean, Quan Lee's family act as if my
sole role in life is to cater to their

every need.

Well, yeah, Mac, it seems like in all
fairness they could be willing to make

some kind of sacrifice.

Oh, they did.

Guess we had to clean it up.

Maybe I could help. I could talk to him
at the party tonight.

At the party tonight?

You invited Quan Li's family to the
party tonight?

Yeah.

Don't want to be rude.

He'll probably bring the cattle.

swish it in the dip.

Everybody, take a seat, take a seat,
take a seat.

Program note, tonight I will be assisted
by the very able and lovely and ever

-present Mr. Leone.

He made me do it.

How about a little magic music, Mr.
Leone?

That's plenty of the magic music, Mr.
Leone. I need the magic ball.

I need the magic bucket.

Watch. Watch as the magic ball makes its
mysterious journey.

Look. Look.

It floats.

And it flies.

And it... Boys, it's here.

Come on, people. I'm working here.

Let's skip the magic ball for the
moment.

Well, I thought that was cute.

Look, he's taken out something else.

Oh, God, let it be a TV guy.

A traditional classic, always a crowd
pleaser, the rabbit from the hat.

Look, there's a little hare.

But seriously, folks.

Sir, would you examine the hat and see
it is absolutely empty?

Is it safe to assume those aren't
raisinets?

9 .37.

I think it's beginning.

Oh, no, don't start without me.

Yes, yes, I'm on my upward curve. I'm
not.

Just wait. I'll give you some punch.

Wait, no. Come with me to the bowl.

says she's very sorry about your TV set.
She had no idea.

What about my TV set?

She said she didn't know what it was.

She thought evil spirits had invaded our
furniture.

And? She released them.

With? A sledgehammer.

And here it is, friends.

The magic box.

That is it. It sure is shooting is, Mac.

Miss Oven?

Enter Le Magic Pop. I didn't say
anything when they planted crops in my

Kind of small in there, isn't it? I
didn't say anything when they

shrine in my garage.

One leg at a time.

But they touched my TV.

Okay, what do I do now?

All you have to do is scream when I cut
through your vital organs.

Just like that.

What's the matter?

I feel the tortured souls of my
ancestors trying out in agony.

Okay.

I don't want to hear any more of this
tortured ancestral soul jive talk.

Now watch as I ram the blades through
her body.

Now we're talking fun.

I want them out.

You have dishonored my family. Do you
realize what this means?

And though she appears...

Half.

My legs!

Oh, Christine, would you please stop
whining?

Hello?

Mrs. Lund.

Oh.

You know Mrs.

Lund from Juvenile Services?

Oh.

What brings you to our neighborhood,
huh?

Hey! She's in a sexual trance. I need
ice.

In the bucket next to the freezer.

Right.

Well, as you know, our agency requires
us to make these surprise inspections.

Sir, I'm afraid they're going to start
flinging the weenies around.

Put them up, huh, Bo?

Check.

To ensure that our foster children are
being exposed to a suitable environment.

My family says they are going to kill
themselves.

Have I come at a bad time?

I'm sorry, but did those people say
something about killing themselves?

that, didn't it?

Where is Leon?

Right here.

Did I mention that he has his own room?

I see he has his own nylons and heels,
too.

Mrs. Lund, I know how all this must
look, but believe me, I can explain

everything.

for Dan Fielding? In the kitchen.

You see, Mrs. Lott, we, yeah.

My family would like to know if this is
a good time to slay themselves?

Sure.

I mean, no.

No.

No slay self.

Try cheese log.

do? Spread themselves to death?

You ought to try these knee highs.
They're so comfortable.

Happy birthday.

She's for you.

You pop the red ones at 20 bucks extra.

It's 10 .15. Time to start. Gotta run.

Not till after the cake.

Oh, please.

She's from California.

Would you read my script?

It's stuck.

What's stuck?

The magic box.

Oh, uh, can we keep her? Leon.

That's Mrs. London's mind.

Mac, you must apologize to them. For
what?

Wanting to live with my own wife in my
own livestock free house?

You have offended Grandfather Holmes.

You're lucky I haven't poached
Grandfather Holmes.

He wants to speak.

Oh.

What'd he say?

Don't worry, Quinley. Help is on the
way.

I'm so frightened.

His heart stopped beating.

Well, it's ticking again.

Actually, Quan Lee, Mac saved your
grandfather's life.

I spilled some punch.

Yeah, who is it?

Fire Department.

Come in.

Good Lord, there she is.

Don't worry, little lady, we'll have you
out in just a minute. No, no, no, it's

the Asian gentleman in my bedroom.

The Asian gentleman in your bedroom.

Right.

And use the door.

$11 .59.

Oh, gosh.

I'm awfully warm.

Danny?

Oh, Danny, I'm peaking. Oh, no, no, no,
no, you dastard. Don't. Oh,

look, the snorkel truck.

Just like that?

Totally.

But don't worry.

I peek again in the...

That's a nasty punch stain on your
carpet in there.

Yeah, right. Listen, while you're here,
would you help me get this girl out of

the box? It's stuck.

Sure, why not?

Phil, go get the jaws of life.

The jaws of life?

Big tools for big jobs.

Did I break it?

No, no, you opened it. Get me out!

Will we ever repay you?

Oh, don't worry, Quan Li.

Although a TV would be nice.

from dragging up the jaws of life.

Oh, yeah.

She went down real easy, didn't she?

Couch. Oh, yeah, right.

Hi -ho.

Translation? He says you're a hero.

Oh, yeah?

He says he owes you his life. And in our
country, when a man saves your life,

you grant him anything he wishes.

Anything at all?

Grandfather says he knows what you want.
You want them to leave.

It is done.

You mean they're moving out?

Yes. All right!

All right!

Hey, I just can't put them on the
streets. Where will they go?

Presidential Suite.

Regency Hotel.

Grandfather speaks English?

No.

Well, thanks for caring, Mac.

But money is no problem. I'm stinking
rich.

Why did you want to stay with us?

Well, ancient tradition.

It would be an insult not to.

Hey, some tradition sucks rocks, don't
it?

What about that heart attack? I've got
to go now. See you later.

You planned this whole thing, didn't
you?

Moi?

You sly old devil.

But how did you know it was going to be
Max who would come to your rescue? For

many years during the war, Max took care
of my family in Vietnam.

He's a caring, compassionate man.

Now, figuring that out was no magic.

Naughty! So as

you can see, Mrs. Blonde, it really was
an incredible string of coincidences.

Yeah, well, Judge Stone, I can't quite
believe it, but you do seem to

successfully have explained everything.

And it's all true.

Every word of it. Mrs. Lott, I want you
to know that for Leon's sake, I have

taken great pains to make sure that this
home is of the strictest moral

character.

Jake?