Original subtitles

All rise!

Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

The Honorable Hoagie Carmichael presiding.

Sir,

I bombed.

That's why God gave us the laugh track.

Okay, people be seated and remember...

Assault with a deadly weapon.

Your Honor, my client is employed by a local firm that specializes in novelty

entertainment.

How novel.

For a $100 fee, one of their field representatives will throw a pie at the

person of the client's choice.

Here's my card.

In your face limited.

Cotto walked up to Mr.

Anthony Milch at a cocktail party for his 25th wedding anniversary, said, this

is from Mrs. Milch, and hit him in the face with a banana cream pie.

That's a deadly weapon?

I could have sworn it in thought.

Uh -huh.

Mr. Milch suffered numerous lacerations and a broken nose.

Divorce proceedings are pending.

Gee, can't a guy take a joke?

Uh,

you'd do better if you charged less.

A hundred bucks is pretty deep.

Uh, Florence? Are you, uh, free for dinner? I got some half -off coupons for

Tub Heaven.

I'm just kidding.

Hope you didn't get your hopes up.

You take Visa?

Hey, Mac, you hear something? Yeah.

Hey.

It's the shoeshine boy.

Leon.

This boy is out.

Hello.

Hello.

The worst ventriloquist act I've ever seen.

Oh, the poor baby.

Can we get you anything?

A cup of coffee would be great.

Would you like a cigarette to go with that?

Leon, any particular reason why you're sleeping under my bed?

Any particular reason you were sitting over my bed?

Matt, go cut me a switch. Right.

Okay.

I got in a fight with my parents.

Finally found out they were coyotes, huh?

funny sludge face.

Here's your magazine back. I swiped it from out of your briefcase.

The bimbos of Brazil.

If you tore out any of the underwater shots.

Miss Sullivan, why don't you take our new camper into my office for a few

minutes, huh? Oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on, Leon, let's go see if we can find a

game to keep us busy.

Five -card draw.

Jacks or better to open.

Jacks? I love that game.

Gotta warn you, though.

I'm pretty tough when I get past toothies.

Will you look at that, Bull? That is some shot, huh?

Yeah.

Palm trees are beautiful, aren't they?

Bull, that's 30 naked women playing volleyball.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Is that a regulation net?

Okay, Leon, show me what you got.

Full boat.

Duke is overking.

Oh, darn. You win, don't you?

Yeah. Take off the dress.

Oh, I thought we were playing for chips.

I already know what chips look like.

Hi, guys.

Oh, be careful.

Bet the kids are sharks. You could lose your shirt.

Now you tell me.

So you had it out with the folks, did you, Leon?

Yeah. This time it was a doozy.

It could take a while before I go home.

How come my dad never treats me like Mr. Cleaver did the beaver?

Yeah, that show scarred a lot of us.

Listen, Leon, we all get into fights, but it's not fair to worry your parents

that way.

Right, they're probably by the phone right now hoping somebody's gonna call

up and tell them that their kid's okay.

Why don't you give me their number and I'll ring them, huh?

No can do.

Thought so.

That's why I asked Mac to track him down.

You did?

Mm -hmm.

Leon, you've met your match. This man has the brain of a 12 -year -old.

I mean that you think like a 12 -year -old, sir.

I mean you have the ability to think... I'll be at my desk.

Now, this is a deposition, Leon.

That's when the witnesses give their testimony.

You smell wonderful.

I had peanut butter for lunch.

What's next?

Some drunk, they're trying to pump him with some coffee.

Should have showed him some snapshots of your family. That ought to sober him

up.

That's pretty funny.

By the way...

What's your favorite flavor?

Chocolate.

God, I was hoping you'd say that.

Excuse me.

Go inside, please.

Hey, Art.

You know, do you mind stepping over here for a second? You bet.

Go into where he wants.

Art, Art, Art. Dear, dear Art, please. Don't think I'm trying to pry, but what

the hell are you doing?

I've got a work order here to fumigate the entire building.

We've got a problem with termites.

How big a problem?

I'll, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

I understand.

I think I better mosey on up to 19.

Oh, my God. Where's Leon?

I just saw him outside in the hall. He was running into the elevator.

Oh, no. What are we going to tell his parents now?

I wouldn't worry about that, sir. He doesn't have any. What?

The guy who just dropped in is from juvenile services.

He said the kid's an orphan. He's been living on the streets for two months

new here, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Thank you.

Well, no one had seen the kid leave the building.

Yeah. Your Honor, this is Mrs.

Lund of Juvenile Services. They got an office up on 19.

That was her assistant that came crashing through our ceiling.

You work in this building?

Funny, I've never seen you.

Well... To be honest, I was warned to stay away from this floor.

Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

I'm going to go check the elevator shaft for the kids, sir.

What are you wearing, that thing?

Oh, the insecticide's still pretty heavy in there.

Studies indicate the prolonged exposure to those kinds of chemicals can cause...

Permanent damage to active brain cells.

Right.

Perhaps I'd better be going myself.

Before you go, Mrs. Blunt, perhaps you could fill us in a little on Leon's

background? Oh, yes.

Well, according to our records, he's been living in foster homes since he was

three. Twelve homes, to be exact.

Started running away when he was six.

Well, a foster home is temporary, right?

Oh, yeah.

You see, the problem is that with the older children, it's much more difficult

to find them a permanent adoptive home.

With Leon's record, well, we're doing our best.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you are.

Ah!

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Thank God no one was hurt.

Oh, hey!

here. You want to pick this up later?

We're on red alert.

Really?

I only wish we could have saved your desk.

Oh, my dear Lord!

I'll be out of here in a second, folks.

Then I gotta go up to the roof and take down an antenna.

Take down an antenna?

Yeah, somebody rigged up an antenna right next to the flagpole.

I guess they don't want to miss any of their favorite TV shows.

Like Leave It to Beaver?

I'm right with you.

Come on, Art. Let's follow that wire.

Yeah, look. Here it goes.

Right along the wall.

Makes a turn here.

Yeah, it goes right around that.

Sounds like... noise.

If not, are you a daily double?

Bet the farm we had.

Hey, Leon.

What are you doing here?

How'd you find me?

You followed your antenna wire down from the roof.

Nice place.

Curtis? Generator?

It's like Janet is heaven.

Art, we can find our way out.

Right there.

What's his problem?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Me?

I got no problem.

I got everything a man could ask for.

My own TV.

Video cassette recorder.

Mr. Coffee.

Leon. Listen, if you think any of this stuff is stolen, I've got receipts.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I've got your case file from Juvenile Hall.

I guess we're even, huh?

You gonna ask me to sit down?

Why not?

Make yourself at home.

For some of us, that's easier said than done, huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you apparently have made a hobby out of changing addresses.

I talked to that lady who handles your case for Juvenile.

She says you run away a lot.

So I'm wondering why.

Hey! Do you see me coming into your home asking you personal questions?

This ain't a home, Leah.

A home has windows and doors.

It has people that care about you.

Or at least they try to.

And I don't think that you are giving those people a chance.

Do you really think any of those foster people cared about me?

Yeah. In fact, I would guess that they all did. Then why didn't they keep me?

Why didn't they... Find the paper that made me their son.

Why did I keep coming home from school when I was a kid and find my suitcase

packed by their front doors?

Leon, you know that a foster home is temporary. It's a place that you go

the folks come who are going to adopt you permanently.

Yeah.

Well, it's been 12 years.

How come nobody's come to claim this little bundle of joy yet?

Because...

Well, I do.

Hey, don't you get it, Stone?

This is the end of the line.

Nobody's going to adopt me.

They want babies.

Or haven't you heard?

They want diapers to change.

They want cribs with cute little blankets.

They want snapshots of your first step.

I'm 12 years old.

That's middle age in the adoption game.

And don't bother telling me I'm not. Because it's just talk.

I've heard it from that lady upstairs, and I've heard it from half a dozen

people just like her.

And I sure as heck don't want to hear it from you.

Now the beavers got to move, too.

Of course, all I ever heard about this floor were only rumors.

There's no sign of him!

Thanks for the update.

Okay, call off the bloodhounds.

Leon!

Lady, if you're from the state, I'm ready to roll.

You and me both, Leon.

Oh, look, the monogrammed rubber sheets are on sale.

Let's go.

Wait a minute.

What's gonna happen to him?

Where's he gonna go?

Because of his record, Leon has been reclassified as incorrigible.

And? And instead of another foster home, he'll go to a group shelter until we

can find him adoptive parents.

Meaning I'm there till I'm dead.

Now, that's not necessarily true, Leon.

Oh, yeah, right.

There's an off chance that Peter Pan will fly in and carry me off to Never

Land. Or I will.

Say what?

Could I keep him?

You mean in the jar, of course.

In my home.

Could I be his foster parent?

You want me to move in with you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Why?

of an old saying that Leon reminded me of?

Put up or shut up.

It's a very generous offer, Judge Stone, but you realize it may be quite some

time before we find a permanent adoptive home for Leon.

Hey, thanks for bringing that up.

Mrs. Lund, I want Leon for as long as it takes.

I will enjoy him while he's there.

And I will miss him when he's gone.

What do you say, huh?

I mean, we've always gotten along, right?

And I've always wanted a son.

Most of all, of course, I've always wanted a videocassette recorder.

So beautiful.

Out of the blue, reaching out to touch someone's life like that.

Harry must feel very fulfilled.

I'm sure he does.

That's probably why he doesn't mind the snot.

I think I ruined your shirt.

It's okay.

Just don't make me look.

Mrs. Lott.

That certainly is an unusual request.

But then again, you are a municipal court judge.

Presumably a stable, responsible member of the community.

Your sneakers match.

You're lucky she caught you on a good night.

I'm going to go and talk to my supervisor.

I'm positive that we can arrange something.

All right.

Congratulations.

Well, I'll be.

Congratulations, sir.

Congratulations for what?

Harry's going to be a father.

Hey, how about that?

Anybody you know?

He's taking in Leon, Flo.

Yeah, we all drew straws.

Gary lost.

Soon.

Very soon.

Congratulations, sir. Thank you, Gus.

Good luck, sir.

Sir.

emotional, she only knows one vowel.

Thanks, Harry.

Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

Now, we gotta have a deal, Leon.

There's no more tricks. There's no running away.

Deal.

We're out of here.

Harry!

I know this is gonna sound stupid and all, but tonight, could you read me a

bedtime story?

That doesn't sound stupid at all, Leon. I would love to.

Great.

I'm up to chapter six.

Cocktail waitresses from hell.

All right, let's make that a $50 fine in time, sir.

And that's a wrap, people.

Sorry, Matt.

It's like being in a Moroccan restaurant.

You are?

Nancy Hines from records. I have some data for you.

Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here.

It was, um, one of you, wasn't it?

And it was worth every penny.

Well, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me.

I called him, Dan.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don't have to cover for me.

I was the one that called him.

Want the truth?

It was all of you.

It was?

I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me.

I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money just

one hit and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him.

You knew we all called?

Yes, I do.

You hate me.

You all hate me. Everybody hates me.

The first time in my life I'm taking advantage of being me.

You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Are you crazy?

He'd French kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a suede jacket.

brothers with my name all over it. I'll come by tomorrow and rub the sleeves in

your faces.

Well, folks, that is a $400 pie. Might as well eat it while it's still fresh.

Hey, the pie came.

Uh,

listen, sir, um, I thought it over and I feel badly about it. I really do.

That's okay, Bull.

Dan ended up getting the best of all of us. Dan?

I didn't order it for Dan.

Judge Stone?

Yo.

What a friend.

I'm in deep doggy -do, aren't I?