All language subtitles for Night Court s03e13 The Night Off

Yo.

These are the indecent exposure files.
Where do you want them?

Sex offenses on the sofa.

I can't believe that they make you go
through every case.

I'll see your end report.

I don't mind, really. Gives me a chance
to review my performance, reflect on old

memories.

Remember that carnival geek married his
dog?

Yeah. It's over. I ran into her the
other day. What happened?

I ran into her the other day.

I feel funny, though. You know, working
in here while the gang's out there with

another judge.

You're not missing anything good. I saw
the docket. It looks like a fairly

routine night.

Sir,

I'm going to take Mac down to jail now.

What? I got busted for contempt of
court.

When you go through the strip search,
ask for Gentle Ben.

What happened?

Mac just walked over with the docket,
sir. Next thing I know, Judge Hearst

me to take him away. For what reason?

He said my sweater was a mockery of
justice.

Oh,

it's not that bad.

Oh, come on, Mac. Obviously the man's
joking with you. No, no, sir. This is

serious. Judge Hirsch is crazy.

Mac, don't go jumping to drastic
conclusions. You know, we each have our

unique style.

Judge Hirsch just ordered a defendant to
clean the Holland Tunnel. So?

With his tongue.

I think I will have a little peek.

Come on, I can get you down to holding
before they serve dinner.

What are we having?

There was talk of spam balls.

Sir?

Quiet, I'm almost finished.

Well...

Superb.

Phil, what's going on?

That is not a well man.

He just put out a bench warrant for the
Rockettes.

What charge?

Espionage.

He's convinced the Soviets have
implanted tiny transmitters in their

He says this explains the high incidence
of varicose veins after they retire.

Personally, I like a little texture to
my women.

Uh, excuse me, sir, about my client.

Right, hang him.

He stole an Eskimo pie, sir.

Nap time.

Are you okay?

Oh, yes, sir, fine, considering we're
being presided over by Bucky the Wonder

Lump.

A Radio City music hall called.

The cops just broke up a Rockettes
performance.

We nabbed the whole bunch at once.

You seem happy.

They rejected me in 43.

You tell me, what's wrong with these
gams?

Their loss is clearly our gain.

Sir, his courtroom is totally out of
control.

Yeah, it's funny. I never saw the judge
act this way before.

You know this man? Yeah, he worked in
the Brooklyn courts when I started

Everybody always loved him. He was fair,
he was bright, he was honest.

And now he's putting hooker's wigs on
bull.

I'm sorry, son, but the glare was
killing me.

something. It's his court, Miss
Sullivan. All I can do is document any

behavior, make a list, and send it to
the judicial review board.

If I were you, I'd send a copy along to
the Coast Guard while you were out.

Would counsel approach the bench,
please?

You know why the criminal justice system
isn't working, Mr. Fielding?

Yes, sir.

I mean, not really.

Music in the courtroom.

That's what makes the whole damn process
so dreary. Imagine how much brighter

this place would be if we piped in
Mozart sonatas or even a few show tunes.

That is a wonderful idea, sir.

You are a sneaky little pile of tweed,
aren't you, boy?

Yes, sir.

Take him away.

As soon as I saw the little smile
cracking, I could tell the imps that he

started talking to me. I just... You had
a visit from your hairy godmother,

didn't you?

Hi. Hi.

I'm hairy. Who the hell cares?

I'm Judge Hairy T. Stone.

No. You?

A judge? Uh -huh. Your Honor. Oh, let's
skip. the formalities.

It's Bob and Harry, just like the good
old days.

Bob, we don't have any good old days. We
just met.

What's this Bob garbage then?

Your Honor, I would like to speak to you
in private in your chambers, perhaps.

Oh, there's no need. I have no secrets
from these people. I really do think

would be better in private. Nonsense,
Harry.

is nothing that you could say to me that
you can't say before my friends.

What's on your mind?

Sir.

You're a very thick man.

Johnny Darnell.

You guys okay?

Oh, yes. Actually, it's very nice down
here.

I understand we made it just in time for
the annual Winter Mucus Fest.

Let me guess.

English leather?

I'm Dan Fielding. I just killed my
family.

Small world.

They don't know this, but I really did
pull off the job.

I hid the money.

no witnesses because the guy who saw me
without my mask on is half blind.

I gave the getaway car in a swamp in
Jersey.

I'm going to get away with it.

Two days, I'm going to be swimming in
cold, hard cash.

So what's your story?

I'm a judge.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I put in an emergency phone call to my
legal aid supervisor.

I managed to juggle the docket so
there's only first -time misdemeanors

rest of the session.

And there's a man in the back wearing
the same dress as I am.

What did you pay for yours?

He just appointed Flo legal aid
attorney.

He did what?

Flo, let me out of here.

Listen.

About that cologne business.

I mean, I don't want you to get the
wrong impression.

I mean, so many people think that just
because a man wears a dress, he's a

homosexual.

No.

Okay, guys, let's go, huh?

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

If Flo is defending... Who's
prosecuting?

Your Honor, the people feel the
defense's arguments are constructed on

a flimsy legal foundation.

Surely my esteemed colleague knows the
difference between entrapment and

legitimate enforcement of the law.

If not, then I would be so bold as to
question her abilities to practice in a

hall of justice.

Defense?

You're going to listen to a man with a
dead pigeon in his pocket?

Unbelievable.

Fields prosecuting?

I've been replaced by a man who lives in
a refrigerator.

Hey, any of you people like the Three
Stooges?

You know, my favorite one is when Moe is
playing a judge.

And he says, order, order, order in the
courtroom.

and Curly gets up and says, I'll have a
ham and cheese on rye.

Judge Hirsch, hi there.

Wait a minute. I thought I cited you for
contempt.

How did they get out of jail?

Sir, I cannot tell a lie.

They escaped.

Escaped? That is not a bad idea.

The whole prison system's overcrowded
anyway.

Guard, go down and release all the
prisoners.

Hold it!

Sir, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Some
of those people are guilty and they have

to be dealt with.

You're right, Miss Sullivan.

Tell them they can go, but only if they
promise on their word of honor that

they'll go across the street and clean
up that park.

Your Honor, please step down from the
bench.

I bet you my gavel is bigger than yours.

You're in trouble here, sir. I would
really like to help you. Me need help.

That's a lie.

Liar, liar.

Pants on fire.

It's the truth. The truth.

This is a court of law, Judge Stone.

This is not a place for truth. This is a
place for lies.

Everybody who comes here lies.

The plaintiffs lie.

The defendants lie.

The lawyers lie. The cops lie.

Everybody lies.

And you expect me to sift through all
this and extract the truth from all that

rubble?

That's what we call justice.

Well, there is no justice.

There never was.

There never will be.

subjective, huh?

Your Honor.

Oh, Judge Stone, come in, come in. I
want to show you something. Now, watch

this.

Looks like a big owl, doesn't it?

Yeah. I did that one my first night on
the bench.

I think Oliver Wendell Holmes invented
it.

Where's my hospitality?

Come, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Aspirin?

You know, most people can't take this
without water.

Your Honor, how long has all this been
going on?

How long has what been going on?

The wigs and the horns and the
subscription to WrestleMania magazine.

You know, Judge Hirsch, I am considered
a bit of a maverick around here myself.

Word in the halls is you're a flake.

I have my moments.

The point is that I use the gags and the
tricks as a release. It's to ease the

tension, that's all.

It's when it gets taken to an extreme.

When it begins to obstruct justice, then
it threatens to dismantle our entire

judicial system.

What's your point?

If you don't step down, I am personally
going to file a petition requesting that

you be removed from the bench.

So it comes down to a gunfight, eh?

If need be.

Who draws first? That usually determines
who wins in these things, right?

Need some help? Where the hell is the
corsetti file?

I lined my shoes with it.

You did what?

I didn't think you'd need it anymore. We
finished with a case hours ago.

Finished? How?

Well, the cop's testimony was shaky, so
I plea bargained down to burglary third

degree. Comes up before grand jury
Wednesday.

Oh, God.

Wednesdays I give my blood.

Don't worry, I'll follow through for
you. What a pal.

Don't touch me, I'm not your pal.

You're a disgusting, filthy, slimy shell
of a human being and you want to crawl

back into the sewer from which you
slithered.

I got a 97 % conviction rate.

I hear you're batting about 500.

Wait, what's the matter? Where are you
going?

We haven't finished.

You are finished, Judge Hirsch.

I'm going to go call for an ambulance.
An ambulance?

Are you sick?

I'll be right back.

You want to hear a funny story, Harry?

Your Honor. There was this girl, 17,
beautiful girl, dark complexion, dark

and a welt under her eye where her
husband had hit her.

She was pregnant for the third time, I
think, and the D .A. said they lived in

rat -infested place on the Lower East
Side.

She said she wanted her husband to stop
hitting her, and as soon as I indicated

that I sent her to jail, zip, she
changed her testimony, said she was

She didn't want her husband to go to
jail.

He brought home money so the family can
eat. All she wanted was for him to stop

hitting her. Well, Harry, I can't make
him stop in 25.

I've never made anybody stop!

I'm sorry.

God's in his heaven, but all's not quite
right in the world.

I know how you feel.

How long have you been on the bench?

Three years.

Three years.

I've had bouts of irregularity longer
than that.

Oh, my God. What have I done?

How much do you remember?

Coloring a little piggy and a monster
with a blonde wig.

Am I sick, Harry?

Maybe a little.

But mostly, I'd say you're real, real
tired. Oh, tired. Oh, I

could sleep for a million years.

If the bed they strap me down to is
comfortable, I probably will.

See, I tried to do it all right. I tried
to write.

All the wrongs reverse all of the
injustices.

I guess I was wrong. It's impossible.

Even a fool knows that we can't reach
out and touch the stars, but that does

stop the wise man from trying.

I like that.

Who said that?

You did.

It was in a speech to the Bar
Association.

Here.

You can never have too many.

I'll wear it with honor, sir.

You do that.

I gotta go.

Somewhere there's an inkblot with my
name on it.

Will you let me call someone to drive
you?

Oh, there's no need. There's probably a
whole army of...

Paramedics waiting for me out front.

Well, you take care of yourself out
there, young man.

I will, sir.

Damn it.

Sometimes I did keep inside the

lines.

The Radio City Rockettes are here.

Send them home, Max.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I didn't know whether to bring them in
one at a time or all in a row kicking.

I'm sure you would have made the right
decision.

Uh -huh.

Now from our Believe It or Not files,
police in Manhattan reported earlier

evening that they were summoned to break
up a riot in a nearby park.

Only it turned out not to be a riot, but
a group of accused prostitutes,

muggers, and thieves walking around
cleaning the park.

A police spokesman said the group had
been released from a Manhattan jail

earlier and that they were just
fulfilling a court order.

How's that for a sanitation crew, folks?

And now back to some easy listening.

Listen, uh, Fielding, about that
conviction ratio business, no hard

okay? Go to the window, open it as wide
as you can, plunge to your death.

Well, if you insist on acting
unprofessional... Oh, uh, and, uh,

you're eating my lunch.

Say what?

You're eating my lunch. I left it in
your briefcase.

Only the beaks are dangerous.