All language subtitles for Midnight 1934 1080p BluRay REMUX AVC FLAC 1 0-EPSiLON_track3_[eng]-eng

♪ [orchestral]

[chugging]

[train whistle wailing]

[speaks in French]

[porter in English] The train is in.
It is Paris, madame.

Call me in the morning.

[porter speaks in French]

[in English] Everybody off the train!

[groans] Oh, just when I was
getting to like the old place too.

Pardon?

Well.

So this, as they say, is Paris, huh?

Yes, madame.

Well, from here it looks an
awful lot like a rainy night in

Kokomo, Indiana.

Pardon?

Well, let's wade in.

Can I get your luggage?

I wish you would.

Where is it?

Municipal Pawnshop, Monte Carlo.

So long, handsome!

- Taxi, monsieur!
- Taxi.

- Taxi.
- Taxi.

- Taxi.
- Taxi.

- Taxi, madame!
- Taxi!

- Taxi.
- Taxi, madame.

- Taxi?
- No, thank you.

Taxi?

Taxi?

- Taxi, madame?
- No.

Madame enjoys the rain, huh?

Here's how things stand.

I could have you drive me all around town,

and then tell you I left my purse
home on the grand piano.

There's no grand piano,
no home, and the purse,

25 centimes with a hole in it.

- That's what's left of the Peabody stake.
- Oh, you have no money, huh?

That's right.

I need a taxi to find myself a job.
I need a job to pay for the taxi.

No taxi, no job.

No job, no soap.

But if I do promote one, I'll pay you
twice what the meter says, see?

[snap] Double or nothing.

You'll give me the honor of driving you
around while you look for a job, huh?

- That's it.
- And for that you'll pay me double?

- Oh, and a great big-daddy tip.
- Oh, that sounds like good business!

What do you say?

I say no.

Taxi?

- Get in!
- No!

Get in!

Only now you don't get that tip.

What kind of work do you want?

At this time of night, in these clothes,
I'm not looking for needlework.

It'd be easier to drink this than read it.

Here we are. Nightclubs.

What are you, a dancer?

Did you ever hear of Eve Peabody,
the famous American blues singer?

Nope.

Confidentially, she didn't
get to be a blues singer

till she stepped into your cab.

Oh, let's try the Bal Tabarin.

Oh, you have to be
pretty good to work there.

Say, do you always
travel in an evening dress?

[laughs] No,
I was wearing this in Monte Carlo

when a nasty accident occurred.

What happened, a fire?

No.

The roulette system I was
playing collapsed under me.

I left the casino with
what I had on my back.

Oh.

Say, is that your last cigarette?

- Want it?
- Thanks.

- Matches?
- No, I got 'em.

Monte Carlo booby prize.

♪ [upbeat orchestral]

[Eve singing]
♪ I would be divine ♪

♪ If you were mine ♪

♪ All mine ♪

Well, that's the smallest.

I guess mine is strictly a bathtub voice.

Aren't you wet through?

[laughs] How far do you think
"through" is for a woman these days?

Well, where to now?

Oh, no. Eighty francs is enough, Skipper.

I'm sorry I got you into this mess.

That's all right. Where to now?

Back to the station.

What are you going to do back there?

Sit in the waiting room.

Waiting for what?

For tomorrow morning.

This isn't the station!

I'm going to buy you a cheap dinner.

Listen, you lost a gamble.
You don't have to feed it.

I don't like to think of a woman sitting
around a station with an empty stomach!

Oh, I know!

This is the pumpkin coach
and you're the Fairy Godmother!

Cut that stuff out. It's raining. Come on!

Okay, Skipper. Oh, wait! I forgot my hat.

I wouldn't have taken oysters,
only I thought they were

on the regular dinner, honest.

Forget it.

No, it was a dirty trick, Skipper.

Say, what's your name?
I'm tired of calling you Skipper.

Czerny is the name. Tibor Czerny.

- Tea what?
- Tibor.

Tibor Czerny.

- [laughs]
- I'm Hungarian.

Where I come from, they'd think
Eve Peabody is a funny name.

- Oh, yeah?
- May 1?

May 17?

Oh, sure.

Taxi?

[men arguing and fighting]

What goes on?

They're beating up the guy
that yelled taxi.

- Why?
- He didn't want a taxi.

- Then why did he yell for one?
- Because I paid him 5 francs.

[laughs] I'm running into money,

Mr. Czerny.

I wish you'd stop talking about money.
I'm a rich man.

- You?
- Sure.

I need 40 francs a day
and I make 40 francs.

What about that rainy day when it comes?

On a rainy day, I make double.

No bank account, no real estate,
No possessions.

Three handkerchiefs, two shirts,
one tie, no worries.

Oh, you're talking like a fool.

Listen, if you want peace of mind,
get yourself a taxicab.

No woman ever found peace in a taxi.
I'm looking for a limousine.

- They don't ride any better. Sugar?
- Mm-hm.

They ride better than the subway.

I spent most of my life in a Bronx local.

Squeezed, trampled, stepped on.

One day I said to myself, "That's enough.
You're going to get somewhere."

That's why I came abroad.

I shipped to London in a
can of imported chorines.

You know, most of those
gals ended up with a lord or something.

Is that what you call getting somewhere?

It's a step in the right direction.

I landed a lord, almost.

Almost?

Well, the family got between us.

His mother came to my
hotel and offered me a bribe.

You threw her out, I hope.

Well, how could I with
my hands full of money?

You-- You mean, you took the money?

Listen, I've got a few ideas
about peace of mind myself.

I carried that cash straight down
to Monte Carlo and played it to win.

And lost.

Serves you right for
wanting something for nothing.

All right.

It took me years to realize
you just don't fall into a tub of butter.

You jump for it.

You're the one that's
talking like a fool now.

No hard feelings, Mr. Czerny?

No.

It's too bad, though.

- Do you want some more wine?
- Mm-hm. Please.

♪ [jaunty orchestral]

[engine sputtering]

Say, we need some gas.

Where's that railroad station, anyway?

Oh, we passed that.
You're going to sleep at my place.

What was that?

- I said you're going to sleep at my place.
- Oh, no, I'm not.

Listen, I've gotta drive
this cab all night.

How do you expect me
to keep my mind on my business

knowing you haven't a roof over your head?

No thanks, Skipper.

Here is the key.
There's a shirt drying over the bathtub.

You can sleep in that.

Be out by 7:00 in the morning.
Put this under the mat.

No, you'd better keep the key.

Now, don't be a fool.

[laughs] I've been a fool too long.

Listen, back in New York,
whenever I managed to crash

a party full of luscious,
big-hearted millionaires,

there was sure to be some snub-faced
kid in the orchestra playing traps.

So, around 4:00 in the morning,
when the wise girls were

skipping off to Connecticut
to marry those millionaires,

I'd be with him in some nightspot,
learning tricks on the kettledrum.

And he always had a nose like yours.

Is there anything wrong with my nose?

Yes, I like it.

Do you mind?

We're no good for each other, Skipper.

We're going in different directions.

That's what you think.

Oh, come on now.

- Turn the cab around.
- Nope.

[engine sputtering]

You'd better feed this thing.

- Your rear tire looks bad.
- Never had a puncture in my life.

Permit me, madame.
Very unfortunate, this rain, madame.

Huh?

It always rains when Stephanie
gives one of her dull parties.

Even nature weeps.

Edouart, stop scratching.

I'm not scratching, Simone.

I think I forgot the admission cards.

Admission cards?

Stephanie will have them for
her own funeral just to keep it chic.

Your wrap, madam.

Oh, yes.

[singing opera]

[shrieks]

[barking]

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh!

Oh!

- [whispering] Is this taken?
- No, madam.

[applause]

Thank you.

[applause]

My dear friends,
the next offering in our little musical

program will be Chopin's 11th étude,

as played by our dear, dear friend,
Prince Potopienko.

[applause]

It is the 12th étude, ma chere.

[playing dramatic piece]

Before we go any further,
I'd like your attention one moment more.

Is there anybody in this room named, uh...

Eve Peabody?

[audience whispering]

No? Well, does anyone here
know a Miss Eve Peabody?

Well, I won't trouble
the rest of you any further.

Now, my dear. Chopin's 11th Prelude.

It is the 12th, and it is an étude.

[scoffs]

[playing dramatic piece]

What's the matter, darling?

Some woman got in here
with this pawn ticket.

Madame?

A word with you.

- With me?
- Yes, with you.

I thought so.

[sighs] Well, all right,
let's get it over with.

I've had my eye on you
from the moment you came in.

I should have known better.

You were trying to sneak out, weren't you?

- Well, I thought if I went quietly...
- Don't apologize.

You are not the only one.

There are three of us
in rebellion against that music.

Come on.

- You do play bridge, don't you?
- Yes.

Good.

But why did you pick on me?

You looked charming.

You looked bored.

You looked as though
you wouldn't trump your partner's ace.

Better wipe the rouge off your mouth.

I've got one.

Madame Flammarion, may I present Madame...

- How do you do?
- How do you do, madame?

- Madame...?
- Czerny.

- Madame Czerny?
- Yes.

May I present Jacques Picot.

One of the most dangerous men in the room.

Paid advertisement.

- How do you do?
- [Eve] How do you do?

Shall we cut?

Well, is nobody going to introduce me?

Oh, this is Marcel Renard.

He is...

How would you describe yourself, Marcel?

I'm a telephone worshipper.

A what?

Whenever a day comes
without an invitation,

I pray to my telephone
as though it were a little black god.

I beg of it to speak to me.
To ask me out somewhere.

Anywhere where there's
caviar and champagne.

- Well, what are we playing for?
- Buttons?

Our usual stakes, 5 francs a point?

Uh, 5 francs?

5 francs is a bit tepid.
If you'd care to make them higher...

Oh, no!

No. No, it makes no difference to me.

Jacques, are you free tomorrow afternoon?

I am.

Jacques?

Of course, my dear. What is it?

I saw Simone inside.

She says her autumn collection
of hats is simply divine.

Will you go with me?

Love to.

Two spades.

Pass.

I don't want to buy
another hat that you don't like, my dear.

You mean the one like a duster?
[laughs] I'm against feathers.

What's your bid?

- Pass.
- Pass.

What?

But you can't pass when
your partner said two spades.

That means she's got a glorious hand.
Now it's wasted.

Now I know why you called him dangerous.

Shall I get you a revolver, Madame Czerny?

I'm terribly sorry.

It's difficult to concentrate on cards...
sometimes.

Naturally, when you're worrying
about the future of the ostrich plume.

[laughs]

I don't think that's very funny.

I do.

Well, thanks.

[Jacques] I'm afraid
we're down 900, partner.

[Eve] Is that all?

[Jacques] Well, it looks
like a landslide for us.

I don't know whether you
should be flattered or annoyed, madame.

Jacques usually plays an excellent game.

Tennis or golf?

Madame, please.

Sorry.

How is the musical evening progressing?
Dull as ever?

On the contrary.

You always did have a
horrid weakness for Chopin.

Madame Czerny, this is my husband.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

This time, Chopin was seasoned
with a pinch of Arséne Lupin.

A mysterious intruder has crept
in among the guests with the aid

of a bogus invitation.

[laughing] I thought the big idea was
to get away from this party, not into it.

You're American, aren't you?

Yes.

One club.

Hungarian descent?

Uh, Scotch, Irish and Choctaw.

No bid.

Czerny, though, Czerny...

You know, that's Hungarian.

- Oh, that's not my name.
- Three clubs.

- Oh, isn't it?
- No, except by marriage.

Oh, then you're the wife of Baron Czerny.

Pass.

Of course, you know,
the last time I saw him in St. Moritz,

he talked about an American girl.

Where is he now?

Oh, back in Budapest.

He's not very well.

You know, the old trouble.

Oh, too bad!

Helene, you should see Budapest.
It's the most enchanting city.

Except, of course, for the subway.

Did they ever finish that?

The-- The streets are
still a little torn up.

Really, Georges,
we're trying to play bridge.

Give the poor baroness a chance to recoup.

Oh, sorry, my darling.

How about pulling
ourselves together, partner?

Well, let's.

So far, we've played like strangers.
Shall we throw caution to the wind?

That's the spirit! Come on.

Hellity-larrup, neck or nothing.

You're wonderful.

You're magnificent.

You're talking across the board.

- [Jacques] What's your bid?
- [Marcel] Three no-trump.

- [Jacques] Double.
- [Helene] Hurray!

[Eve] Redouble.

- [Helene] Pass.
- [Jacques] Pass.

[Marcel] Pass.

[humming and scatting]

♪ [dramatic orchestral]

Evel

Eve, stop.

What do you mean, annoying my wife?

- Well, you don't have to push me.
- Say, I...

[screams]

Stop that, sir!

[arguing and struggling]

Twenty-three and six and 14.

I make it 84.

That's right.

I'm sorry, Baroness.

We had the spirit even if
we didn't have the cards.

[laughs] Oh, how much?

We are down 4,200 francs.

Wh-- Where's my bag?

I may not have that much with me.

Pardon me.

- Is this yours, Baroness?
- Yes, thank you.

- If, uh-- If I can be of any service...
- Oh, no, thanks.

You'll take my I0U, won't you?

[laughing] Why...

I'm so foolish.

I completely forgot I went
to the bank this afternoon.

How much did you say?

4,200 for each of us.

- Good night, Your Highness.
- Thanks for a pleasant evening.

- Good night.
- Good night, madame, thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Did you ever find that Eve Peabody,
Stephanie?

Finally. I had her thrown out.

She was a horrible old woman.

Roger found her in the powder room.
Imagine.

You know, she claimed to be
the Archduchess of Mendola.

[laughs]

- Good night, Stephanie, dear.
- Good night, darling.

- Good night, dear.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

- Is your car here?
- Uh, no.

- I-- I had some trouble with my chauffeur.
- Then let me drop you.

We can take you, Baroness. Can't we?

May I place at your disposition
a nice coupe with a leak in the roof?

- [laughs] Over which side?
- Yours!

Please. Here's my car. I insist.

- All right.
- Where do you live?

At my hotel.

And that is?

- I'll give you three guesses.
- The Ritz?

Right the first time! The Ritz.

Good night!

[Marcel] Good night.

An attractive girl, isn't she?

Odd, her coming here alone.

I notice she didn't go home alone.

I'm sorry, my dear. I forgot my gloves.

Will you pardon me a moment?

Thank you so much.
Don't bother to see me inside.

- It's terribly late.
- Oh, no.

My mother taught me always
to see a lady to her door.

- Good night.
- Oh, no.

You can't get rid of me as easily as that.

How do you know what dangers
may lurk in the hotel lobby?

I know exactly
what dangers lurk in hotel lobbies.

Come on.

I'm going to stay
in the lobby for a while.

I have something to do.
Telegram back home.

You see, my husband's sick.
A night letter.

Well, write it out, Baroness.
I'll get your key.

Oh, no. Look, don't you
know when to go home?

No.

The key for Baroness Czerny.

It may be in the name of Smith.

My maid sometimes...

The Baroness Czerny, room 217, 219.

Thank you.

- Where is the telegraph desk?
- You go right...

D-- Don't bother.

I'll write it upstairs.

- Good night.
- "To her door," my mother said.

The key, please.

I'll open it for you.

What? No nightcap?

Listen, my mother
taught me a few things too.

Good night.

Well, at least I don't have to
ask for your telephone number.

I'll be pestering you.

[laughs] Oh, won't you please go?

Not until you go in.

- [9asps]
- [clattering and crashing]

Oh, don't be frightened.

They must have given me the wrong key.

Why don't you speak?

Where's the light?

Oh. Oh, you so-and-so.

Is anybody here?

All right, fellas.
Now, I'll explain it once more.

Each of us puts in 5 francs, and the guy
that finds her gets the whole thing.

Say we get 1,000 of us.

That's a purse of 5,000
francs to the winner.

But how can you find one
woman in four million people?

Oh, that's easy.

Once they organized the
taxis of Paris to save France.

- Why can't we organize them now...
- To find Czerny's girl!

She's an American girl named Eve Peabody.

All she's got is a gold dress.
She hasn't got a cent to her name.

So she can't get out of town.
Spread the word around.

Keep your eyes open.
Go to the Consulate, the Embassy.

Go to the hotels, the nightspots.

The theatrical agents.

Come on. Each of you
fellas put in 5 francs. Come on.

Come on, fellas. Put it in here.
5 francs. That's it.

Come on.

♪ [exciting orchestral]

[phone ringing]

[groans]

Hello.

Who?

No.

Oh! Yeah, yes.

Who?

- What'd you say?
- l said good morning, Baroness.

Your luggage has arrived.

Fr-- Fr-- From Monte Carlo?

What... That's impossible.

I mean...

You mean it's my luggage?

Well, there must be some mistake.

It said for the Baroness Czerny, madame.

I had it sent up.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

[whispering] Maybe I'm crazy.

[knocking on door]

Oh! Oh!

[knocking on door]

Come in.

Bonjour, madame.

- Shall I open the blinds, madame?
- What? Oh.

[chuckles] Uh, ye-- Yes, please.

Here are the keys, madame.

Shall I open it?

You mean before Christmas?

Uh, pardon, madame?

Oh, no, don't mind me. I'm...

- That looks like a negligee on top, huh?
- Oui, madame. You wish?

Yes, if you don't mind.

Oui, madame.

- Madame wishes to put it on?
- Oh, no, no.

- Just put it over the bed, please.
- Oui, madame.

Is there anything else, madame?

Oh, I think that's enough, don't you?

- Oh, the tip...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Your chauffeur took care of that, madame.

- My chauffeur?
- Oui madame.

He's waiting downstairs.

And he wishes to know
if madame wants the car today.

Oh, he does?

Oui, madame.
He says it's a very nice day, madame.

He says, "There is no wind."

He says, "The sun is warm."

He says...

He wants to know if I want the car today.

Oui, madame.

Tell him I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Oui, madame. Thank you, madame.

Thank you.

[speaking softly in French]

[whistles]

[car horn honks outside]

What's your name? Eve Peabody.

Where do you live? Nowhere at present.

How old are you? None of your business.

Well, I seem to be all right.

- [Georges] Then how about some breakfast?
- What?

Good morning, Baroness Czerny.

Oh, that jacket's a little large.

I've arranged to have
a fitter here at 2:00.

So it was you.

You made a pretty good guess
at my measurements.

You know, I've always
had a weakness for size 12.

- Did you arrange for this apartment?
- Mm-hm.

While you were on your way here
with Jacques.

Neat, huh?

From the moment you looked at me,
I had an idea you had an idea.

You remember when I asked you
if they were still working on

the Budapest subway?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

Well, the Budapest subway
was finished in 1893.

It is the oldest subway in the world.

Monsieur, that is playing dirty.

You also had a third-class ticket
from Monte Carlo in your handbag.

Nice work.

[laughs] You see, I use my eyes when
it comes to something I want very badly.

Also your bank account.

I guarantee we will never
have any argument about money.

That's fine.

There's just one trouble.

I won't play.

Now... Now, don't
misunderstand me, Miss Peabody.

Listen, when Little Red Riding Hood
spots the long gray whiskers,

don't still insist that you're Grandma.

But-- But suppose
you hear my proposition out.

All right, go ahead.

What... What was your impression
of Jacques Picot?

Jacques...

He seems all right. Why?

Mm, I'm afraid I can't agree with you.
Of course, I may be a little prejudiced.

You see, my wife and he
think they're in love.

Oh.

Well, that's cozy.

That, my dear, is the devil.

Why don't you punch him in the nose?

Hmm. Alluring but impractical.

He was top man on the boxing team
of the University of Brussels.

Well, where do I come in?
What you need is a lawyer.

I'll never get a divorce. Never.

I still don't see where I come in.

Last night for the first time,
I saw a ray of hope.

While he was laughing with you,
my wife was in torment.

When you drove away together, [laughs]
she was fighting tears.

Who won?

Your job, if you'll accept it,
is just beginning.

My wife...

My wife will fight for him.

And you want me to fight back?

I want to bring her back to her senses.

I want you to take over his attention
before it's too late.

You can hame your own price.

You really love her, don't you?

Of all the crazy plans.

Perhaps not so crazy
from your point of view.

Jacques's family
makes a very superior income

from a very inferior champagne.

You could do much worse.

We're having a weekend party
at our place in Versailles.

Jacques will be there.

You arrive tomorrow in time for tea.

Now, wait a minute. I haven't said yes.

Am I upsetting some other plans?

I gathered that you knew no one in Paris.

Did you?

Of course, if you have some other offer...

I have.

A good one, hmm?

- I'll take yours.
- Ah!

I'll tell my wife I ran into you
and asked you.

The name of your chauffeur is Ferdinand.

- That's a nice name.
- Isn't it?

[singing] & Ferdinand, Ferdinand ♪

You'll like the whole arrangement.

Now, for immediate expenses, you can
draw on my bank up to 50,000 francs.

- [knocking on door]
- Ah!

Here's your breakfast.

Goodbye, my dear baroness.

Till tomorrow afternoon.

For the Baroness Czerny.

Merci.

- Permit me?
- Oh, yes.

Go ahead.

[reading] "Hosannas to the high gods
for throwing us together.

Jacques."

I rather resent that.

To my wife he only said, "So glad we met."

Hmm.

Yes? Yeah...

No, she's not Chinese!

- Hey, is it too late for me to join?
- Come on, come on!

Put your 5 francs in here.

Chance of a lifetime.

8,000 francs in the pool.

Come on.

That's it.

Uh, get me that one with the stuff on it
that looks like spinach.

You know that hideous thing
I made this morning.

- Oh, yes, I know. Pardon.
- Surely.

Well, where in the world
did you get that hat?

It looks positively moldy!

Well, I bought it from you three days ago.

I don't care where you bought it.
It's out of style.

I decided this morning that
all hats should be off the face.

That's the one.

Madame?

Oh, I'm looking for
something for the weekend.

Weekend in the country.

I'll show you some amusing models.

- Yeah, not too convulsing, please.
- Pardon.

[Helene] You don't call this
a hat, Simone?

[Simone] Good heavens, no!

No one ever accused me of selling hats.

But it looks dreadful on me.

That doesn't make a bit of difference.
You'll take it. It's smart.

What do you think, Jacques?

Why, never let a man tell you
what to wear, my dear.

- The minute you do, you've lost him.
- Well, it's...

[Eve] Oh, I think it'd a dream on you.

You know, it does something for your face.

It gives you a chin.

- Hello, Baroness.
- Hello.

- Thanks for the flowers. They were lovely.
- Were they?

How thoughtful.

Well, I thought I owed the baroness
something after our losses.

- Here's something for golf.
- Oh.

Oh, if you want it for duck shooting,
we replace the golf balls with eggs.

Oh. There won't be
any duck shooting, will there?

- Where?
- Oh, I forgot to thank you.

It was darling of you to ask me
to your place for the weekend.

My place?

Yes, I just ran into your husband.
He invited me.

Georges seems to be
inviting everyone this weekend.

[chuckles] Well, if
it's going to be a crowd,

I'm sure this will be all right.

Send it to the Ritz, Baroness Czerny.

Why, the woman isn't human,
buying a hat without trying it on.

Oh, I haven't time. I'm so busy shopping.

Where's the best place for riding boots?

Oh, Iribes. Just around the corner.

Left, right, or the
corner across the street?

I don't suppose you could show me.

- Well...
- Do, Jacques, by all means.

I'd hate to have you get lost in Paris.

Thank you. I'll send him back
as good as new.

Come, Jacques. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Well, did you ever, in all your life...

Tsk-tsk-tsk. You poor thing.

And good men so scarce.

Who is that woman, anyway?

- I thought she was a friend of yours.
- I never saw her before last night.

Did you hear what she said about my chin?

Why, you've got plenty of chin.
Just keep it up.

- Oh!
- Why, hello, Stephanie.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, Helene.

Oh, dear.

If ever a woman
needed a new hat, it's I.

- I'm being sued for 50,000 francs.
- No!

By whom?

By the Archduchess of Mendola.

You know that creature
I had thrown out last night,

and I thought it was that Eve Peabody?

Ha!

It really was the Archduchess of Mendola.

- No!
- Yes.

Then the imposter
is still unaccounted for.

Yes, that's right.

Stephanie, do you still have
that pawn ticket?

- Have any news about Czerny's girl?
- They haven't found her yet.

I'm going to take a look
around the Arc de Triomphe.

[conversing indistinctly]

Pierre! They think they saw Czerny's girl
on the Rue de Rivoli.

We're on our way.

Oh, what a day.

[sighs] I could eat it with a spoon.

Well, I hoped there
would be a thunderstorm.

The road blocked, the bridges
washed out and Ferdinand killed

by a falling tree.

Then a little wayside inn
with a pheasant roasting over the fire.

Oh, no, I wouldn't have much appetite.
Not with Ferdinand dead in a puddle.

There'll be hundreds of people
at the Flammarions.

- We'll never see each other alone.
- Good.

What's good about it?

I'm a married woman.

Why didn't I meet you first?

[laughs] Oh, Jacques!

Come on, now, be honest.

If you had, you'd have
run like a jack rabbit.

Well, my mother always says...

Now, never mind that mother of yours.

[whistle]

[whistle]

What's the idea of bumping into my cab?

Are you implying that we ran into you?

You heard me!

You'd better change your tone, my friend.

You're entirely in the wrong,
as I can testify.

Well, I've got to report
this to the insurance people.

Why, this car belongs
to the Baroness Czerny.

Who?

This lady, Baroness Czerny, Ritz Hotel.

Drive on, Ferdinand.

Yes, madame.

I am a rich man!

- Let me through.
- Here.

Where is the money? I've found her.

One cognac.

What's that you say?

- Let's wait for the cognac.
- Come on, you can talk without a cognac.

It's for you, Czerny,
when you hear what I've got to say.

- Come on!
- She lives at the Ritz.

She's got a high-class car
with a chauffeur that drives like this.

[laughter]

And now would you like
to know what her name is?

- Her name is Eve Peabody.
- Oh, no, it isn't. Not now!

It's Czerny.

- Czerny?
- The Baroness Czerny.

Give me that cognac!

[car horn honking]

Good afternoon, Monsieur Picot.

Good afternoon, madame.

Good afternoon.

[whistles] It's rather
overpowering, isn't it?

Oh, nonsense.

You could put it in the left
wing of the Czerny Chateau.

Oh, Monsieur Picot, I
have very good news for you.

We found your cuff link.

You did?

It was in Madame
Flammarion's sitting room.

[laughs] The wind probably blew it in.

[laughs]

Well.

- Nice drive down?
- We thought you were lost.

Oh, it was so lovely we dawdled a little.

- Dawdled?
- Yes.

We stopped at a little lake
and skipped pebbles.

[laughs] Tomorrow, you can
roll hoops if you feel like it.

[laughs]

Where are you putting
the baroness and Jacques, Helene?

Why, we have you in the east wing.
You get the morning sun there.

And you, of course, have your usual room.

In the west wing, sir.

Let me take you up, Baroness.

Thank you.

Oh, Jacques, you have my comb.

So I have.

Thanks.

Nice little bungalow you've got here.

I wish I'd brought my roller skates.

Yes, it's 18th century, my dear.

I bought it from the 15th
Duke of Navarre for a song.

Ha! A shining example
of trade over tradition.

- How's it going?
- All right.

In fact, a little better than all right.

That boy ought to have his brakes relined.

I know his speed.

[laughs] Yesterday he suggested
that we cruise the Mediterranean

on his yacht, and this morning
he appeared with an emerald as

big as a trouser button.

- I'll take it out of your salary.
- Don't worry, I refused it.

Why?

Get everything you can out of this deal.

That's what I'm doing.

You know something?
I have a crazy idea

he may ask me to divorce my husband.

And marry him?

You don't know Jacques Picot.

[laughs] You don't know Eve Peabody.

Mm.

Now, listen, we had the windows open.

When you ride with the windows open,

your hair gets blown
and you have to comb it.

Besides, it's none of my business.
Why don't you say that?

All right, Helene.

Let's have a few serious words, shall we?

I don't think you have
six serious words in you.

Oh, yes.

I could make a very noble speech.

I could say that we've played with fire.

That Georges is a friend of mine,

that I don't want to endanger
a happy marriage.

Well, the truth is, and I'm going to
ask you to face it squarely...

You're in love with her.

- l am.
- [laughs]

What's the matter?

That's what I adore about you.

You're behaving like a schoolboy.

A woman walks into the room
and looks at you, and you lose your head.

You dawdle, and sit by
the fire and throw pebbles.

You really are a darling.

She's wonderful.

- But you don't know anything about her.
- None of us do.

I've asked all of my friends,
and nobody's ever heard of her.

Who is she?

Maybe her hair's dyed.

Maybe she's poisoned three husbands.

Maybe we'll find out things about her.

You're jealous, Helene.

Terribly.

Fun, isn't it?

Milk or lemon?

♪ [upbeat orchestral]

- Where do you think you're going?
- Inside, to talk to Baroness Czerny.

Baroness Czerny's not ordered a taxi!
She's out of town for the weekend.

Where?

We don't give out any information
regarding our guests.

- Where?
- Move along, my good man.

[horns honking]

Stop it! Stop that once!

Where is she?

Where is she?

The Chateau Flammarion at Versailles.

That's all I wanted to know.

[band playing salsa music]

[band playing conga]

That's la conga.

La conga. Oh, come on,
everybody do la conga!

- Hello, Jean.
- Good evening, Monsieur Renard.

- You're rather late.
- I know.

Have this luggage
taken to my room, will you?

Could there be some mistake, monsieur?
This doesn't seem to be your luggage.

Never mind. Have it taken up
by the back way, immediately.

- You understand?
- Yes, monsieur.

- Where's Madame Flammarion?
- She is dancing, sir.

Monsieur Marcel Renard.

How's it going?

Superstitious?

Don't forget, every Cinderella
has her midnight.

[whispering] Helene.

Helene.

- What?
- They're here.

What?

The luggage has arrived from Monte Carlo.
I've just...

- Excuse me.
- Certainly.

- I've just come from the airport.
- Where is it?

In my room. Come on.

- Have you opened it yet?
- Not yet.

- I'm simply dying of curiosity.
- Isn't it enthralling?

The Secret of the Pink Pawn Ticket
or The Case of the Mysterious Baroness.

Oh, nothing but clothes.

[Marcel] Well, this is her size.

[Helene] We need more proof than that.
Oh, Marcel, I could cry.

Wait a moment.

Look at that third girl from the left.

- [Helene] Why, it does look like...
- [Marcel] I think it is.

If we could really be sure...

Well, that's her figure, all right.

Poor Jacques! Oh, my soul, this is heaven.

Baroness Czerny indeed!

Of all the impudence.

The consummate impudence!

We'll take this with us.

Now, Helene, don't let's hush this up,
and don't let's wait till tomorrow.

Go on, let's have a lovely scandal.

All right, all right, but don't interrupt.

I know you won't do it,
but let's just suppose.

Oh, sure, I'll suppose.

Well, what if we ran down
this gravel path to the garage,

took the car and drove it off
just as we are?

No toothbrush?

I said don't interrupt.

The two of us roaring
down through the night.

Let's see what time it is.

It's 20 minutes of 12:00.

- We could get there just about dawn.
- Mm-hm.

You know, if it's that little wayside inn,
let's save the gas.

Oh, no, no, no. This is an old
country place in the woods.

We'll clatter the great
bell beside the door.

Hard. You see, the butler is deaf.

[laughs]

And upstairs, there's
a very little old lady.

I'll lead you into the room and I'll say,

- "Mother..."
- Oh, Mother's back again?

"Mother," I'll say, "here she is.
I've found her."

And the dawn will be pale behind the oaks.

[laughs] It won't be as pale as Mother.

"Mother," I'll say,
"it's this one or no one."

Baroness Czerny, you--
You promised me a dance.

- Did 1?
- A midnight dance.

- Oh, but please, it's not...
- It's...

It's midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll be back.

I hope.

- What's up?
- Hush.

Oh.

The ground has just
opened under our feet.

Park it.

You take it.

Well...

And me all set to jump
for that tub of butter.

We've landed in something, all right,
but it's not butter.

Here they come.

I'll stand by you as best I can.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have a word, please?

I want to tell you something which I think
will both interest and amuse you.

Under our roof tonight,
we have, as a guest,

a person claiming one of the oldest names
in the Almanach de Gotha.

[guests murmuring]

I don't know how many of you are familiar
with the Hungarian aristocracy,

but let me assure you that in all
middle Europe there is no family...

[usher] Baron Tibor Czerny.

[guests murmuring]

Well!

- Do you know him?
- Yes.

Um, welcome to my house, my dear baron.

It's been a long time since we've met.

Oh, yes, years and years.

I just arrived in Paris, and they told me
at the hotel my wife was here,

so I'm trespassing on your hospitality.

I couldn't wait to see her.

Where is she?

Oh, here I am, Tibor.

What's the idea, Skipper?

I've been hungry to see my little wife.

Excuse me.

That's enough.

Oh, Helene, I want you to
meet an old friend of mine.

- Baron Czerny.
- Madame Flammarion.

It's a great pleasure
to have you with us too.

You have such a gay wife.
She's simply captivated all my guests.

I trust you've been
behaving yourself, darling?

Divinely!

Oh, of course,
you must meet Jacques Picot.

Uh, Jacques?

I know you want to meet
the husband of the baroness.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

They've been inseparable.

I warn you, we Hungarians
are very jealous husbands.

Remember our honeymoon
in Copenhagen, darling?

That Danish officer?

Oh, oh, Olaf.

Oh, I never even looked at him!

Poor fellow, he's dead now.

Heaven forgive me.

Oh, you're that kind of man!

How wonderful [laughs]

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll see about putting you up.

We'll move you to a larger room
where you can both be comfortable.

- If it's just as convenient...
- Oh, of course, of course.

Stay where you are.
We can put Czerny on the third floor.

We prefer Madame Flammarion's plan,
don't we, darling?

Just as you say, Tibor.

Present the baron
to the rest of our guests, Georges.

Surely.

Well, Jacques?

Well, what?

I eat husbands.

Not this one.

She's in love with him.

Are you quite sure we were wrong?

Don't be an idiot! Georges knows him.

We nearly made fools of ourselves.

But what about that resemblance?

Oh, coincidence.

[laughter]

We've put you in here.

Oh, what a delightful room.

It's the bridal suite of the chateau.

Well, in a way, this is very like
a honeymoon, isn't it, darling?

[laughs] In a way.

I feel as if I've been hit on the head
with an old shoe.

There's a burglar alarm there by the bed
in case of any nocturnal disturbance.

Oh, Georges, we have no burglars!

The Czernys are tired,
we mustn't keep them up.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Two short rings will rouse the house.

Thanks.

Well?

Delightful people.

I'm so glad you ran into them.

What are you doing here?

I flew from Budapest.

They told me at the Ritz
my wife was here.

- You don't seem very pleased.
- Oh, come on now, what do you want?

Oh!

I'm getting sleepy, darling. Aren't you?

Not in the least.

You know, your sudden disappearance
upset me quite a bit.

But now it's all right.

Stop it, Skipper.

Oh, they put my pajamas
on the wrong side of the bed.

Listen. One more button,
and I'll pull the emergency cord.

That must be the alarm right there.

Oh, won't you please get out of here?

Now, is that a nice way to talk
to the man whose name you bear?

All right, I took your name. So what?

I'm so delighted.

It was the first name
that came into my mind.

For a very special reason.

- No, I might have taken any other name.
- I believe in Freud and the subconscious.

You chose the name you wanted. My name.

I suppose you're Baron Czerny.

If you're speaking about
that diabetic idiot in Budapest,

I'm his eighth cousin once removed,

which makes me more of a baron
than you are a baroness.

Then how come you're driving a taxi?

I, uh-- I climbed up to it by easy stages.

There's nothing like a little wife
who's interested in her husband's career.

Cut it out, Skipper.

Oh, Eve.

Please go away.

You can't run away
from what's started between us.

I know we're right for each other.

I know it deep down in my bones.

Don't you?

That's why I didn't accept
that room of yours.

There were no strings on that.

I was driving all night.

I know it.

You said, "Clear out before I get back,"

but that's not the way
it would have worked out.

I'd have awakened in the morning
in that extra shirt of yours, and...

And then I'd have waited to thank you.

And I'd have asked you to marry me.

I probably would have.

Oh, don't you see?

We'd have had a few grand weeks
and a lot of laughs.

I'd have darned your socks
while you bumped around in that old taxi,

scraping our 40 francs together.

And then all of a sudden,
the walls of that one room

- would have started crowding in on us.
- Yeah, I know that one.

When you're poor,
love flies out the window.

Well, I saw it happen
to my father and mother.

So many worries,
SO many quarrels, they...

They just gave up.

They didn't even hate each other.

I suppose love is safer
in a place like this.

Please, Skipper,
don't let's make a mess of our lives.

We're no good for each other, believe me.

Oh, don't be a fool, Eve.

No!

Get your things together,
we're starting back.

No!

No, I won't go!

Oh, listen, I've just had a swell break.
I got in with this crowd.

Things are beginning to work out.
There's a man...

Well... It's what I've been
waiting for all my life.

Please! Please!

We'll make some excuse
to those people downstairs

and you'll leave in the morning.

Careful, this is a rented suit!

♪ [dramatic orchestral]

♪ [melancholic orchestral]

[Helene] Ready for
some breakfast, darling?

[Georges] Yes, my dear child.

- Good morning, Marcel.
- Good morning, Helene.

- Good morning, Mr. Picot.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, now.

If your face was any longer,
you could skip rope with it.

Did you expect to find me all smiles?

Well, I must admit it was very pleasant
when he was in Budapest.

But you always...
The way you spoke of him, I...

- Good morning.
- [all] Good morning.

- [Georges] Everyone sleep well?
- [Eve] Oh, I did. Like a baby.

- Is the baron coming down?
- I think so. I left him shaving.

What's your choice, Baroness:
kidneys, omelet, chicken livers?

[Eve] I'll have them all
in the order named. I'm starving!

[Jacques] I can't make up my mind
what to eat.

Wasn't there some animal
that starved between two haystacks

because he couldn't decide?

- [Georges] Yes, a jackass.
- [Eve laughs]

What was that you said before?

- Good morning again, dear.
- Morning, darling.

- Morning, Baron.
- Morning.

I'm so sorry, darling,
I couldn't wait for you. I was too hungry.

I'm afraid you'll have to hurry
your breakfast. I've just had bad news.

About what?

Now-- Now, don't be alarmed, darling.
It's nothing serious, I hope.

Well, what is it?

It's about Francie.

- Francie?
- Yes.

Francie's our little daughter.

She's-- She's 3 years old.

You-- You haven't told them
anything about Francie?

- Oh, well, I... I...
- I, uh...

I just had a wire from home,
and she's very ill.

- Oh, is she?
- Oh, how wretched! What is it?

Measles.

Why, that's nothing serious.

No. Why, sometimes that polka-dot
effect is very becoming.

And Francie's
the healthiest child in the world.

Yes, but-- But the strongest
are often the hardest hit.

When did you get the wire?

Uh, just-- Just after
you came down to breakfast.

Could I see it, please?

Yes, certainly.

Oh, your poor mother!

She must be frightened to death.

- Where's the nearest telephone?
- In the main hall.

Why, what are you going to do?

Telephone Budapest.
While I'm getting the connection,

may I ask you to look up
the airplane schedule?

Trust me, my dear.

With a child dangerously ill,
the telephone will be disconnected!

Tibor, please don't argue with me.

I forbid you to telephone!

My dear baron, the day is passed
when a man forbids his wife anything.

- You keep out of this.
- I will not.

- Oh, please, my nerves.
- What business is it of yours?

- I'm so very fond of children.
- Oh, you are!

Hello, operator.
I want long distance to Budapest.

The name is Czerny.

It's the only Czerny in the book.
It's very urgent. Please.

What are you doing that for?
It won't help a bit.

- Oh, Tibor, it makes things easier for me.
- I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Could we go back until
the call comes through?

- I'd like to finish my breakfast.
- Marcel.

Well, I thought it
might distract the baroness.

I remember when my poor father
fell off the yacht.

We were having Crepes Suzette at the time.

Well, it made all the difference!

I'm taking that call
when it comes through.

No, Tibor, I couldn't trust you.

You know, if it's bad news,
he'll try to spare me.

Oh, darling, I know your nerves
are just as strained as mine.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Yes, Budapest.

Who is this speaking?

It's your mother.

Oh, yes, Mama.

How's Francie?

Well, what did the doctor say?

Oh, good!

The baby's temperature's gone down and
the spots have practically disappeared!

What did you say, Mother?

It isn't measles at all.

No, dear, it's just a plain case
of alcohol poisoning.

The baby must have had
one highball too many.

- Oh!
- She was out all night.

We picked her up in the gutter.

Oh, how cute of her.

Oh, she loves it so.

Yeah.

You mean I can speak to her?

Hello, Francie darling!

Oh, it's Francie. Listen.

- Hello.
- Hello, Dada.

Is that you, Dada?

Yes, yes, this is your Dada.

Send her a kiss for me.

[kissing sounds]

Dada, Dada, Dada... [kissing]

Goodbye now, dear. I'll see you soon.

Oh, isn't it wonderful.
It was just a heat rash.

We don't have to leave at all.

You snake. I'll show you.

Oh, poor little Daddykins.

Oh, was he so worried?

[Tibor angrily mumbling]

Aren't children terrifying?

Well, when I was a child,
I used to swallow things.

They didn't dare leave me alone
in a room with an armchair.

Now that the crisis is passed,
shall we finish our breakfast?

[Eve] Of course.

Hello, Dada.

I'll talk to you later, Francie.

Georges, where's the baron?

Uh, I, uh...

- I don't think the baron's hungry.
- Oh, he'll be all right. He alw...

Oh, Tibor!

Tibor!

I'm coming, darling.

[Marcel] No plover's eggs, you see.

Now, you promised me plover's eggs.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marcel. I ordered them.

Maurice, what happened
to the plover's eggs?

They didn't arrive, madam.

We tried to get in touch with the market,

but the telephone has been
out of order ever since last night.

[Helene] Nonsense.
We just telephoned from the main hall.

[Maurice] The house telephone works,
madam.

- We were talking to Budapest.
- There must be some mistake, madam.

I wasn't able to use the telephone
10 minutes ago.

[Helene] Really, Maurice,
that's impossible.

It's in perfect working order.

The baroness was just talking to Budapest,
and the connection was very good,

wasn't it, Baroness?

I'm afraid he's right, Madame Flammarion.

I wasn't really talking to Budapest.

You weren't?

- But we all heard you.
- Of course you talked to Budapest.

No, I didn't.

And I'm going to tell you
something even more surprising.

Tibor and I haven't any daughter.

Well, what is all this, in heaven's name?

Are you feeling quite well, my dear?

Oh, perfectly.

I shouldn't trouble you
with my unhappy marriage.

Forget what I said.

Oh, do tell us, please!

Go on, please!

It seems so disloyal to poor Tibor.

Well, you can't stop now!

No. If you do, it'll kill Marcel.

All right.

When I married, I didn't realize that,

in the Czerny family,
there was a streak of...

Shall we say eccentricity?

And yet I had warning.

Why else should his
grandfather have sent me,

as an engagement present,
one roller skate covered with

Thousand Island dressing?

What?

Of course, of course.

I'd forgotten.
The Czernys, they're all like that.

You know, I met an old aunt.

The Countess Antonia.

I thought she was an Indian.

Turned out she used
paprika instead of face powder.

But your husband seems quite normal.

Oh, he is, for long stretches,
and then comes one of his attacks.

This morning was typical.

Waking up and imagining we had a daughter.

And a daughter with measles too.

One mustn't contradict him, of course.

- Does he get violent if you do?
- Oh, yes.

He breaks things and eats them sometimes.

Well, I used to do that.

And you have put up with this for years?

I came to Paris this time to get away,
but he followed me.

Once before I tried.

I was hiding in Capri.

He made a violent entrance into the hotel,

disguised as a fisherman, and
tried to have me shot as a spy.

At least he has imagination.

Oh.

But there are moments when he's so sweet.

One can't help loving him.

You're wonderful!

Isn't she?

Ha.

Amazing!

[car honks]

A taxi.

What's a taxi doing here?

- Oh, the driver must have made a mistake.
- You don't suppose...

Oh, no, it can't be.

Bonjour monsieurs et madames.

We're all with you.

- Let's call a doctor.
- Oh, no, no, no.

That would be the worst thing.

Well, what do you say to this?

Why, Baron!

- Do I look like a baron?
- Tibor.

- Now, Tibor.
- Come on, tell them who I am.

He's not a baron, he--
He's a taxi driver.

- Well, isn't that interesting?
- Nothing keeps one out in the air so much,

does it?

Except, perhaps, being a fisherman.

How long have you been driving a taxi?

Four years, the Gare de Lyon district.

If one of your limousines breaks down,
you might call on me sometime.

Tibor!

I imagine this is the first time
your chateau has entertained

a member of the working class.

Well, times have changed, haven't they?

- Now, what would you like for breakfast?
- Nothing.

I have a few more things to tell you,
then you can throw us out of here.

Tibor, look at me.
Look straight into my eyes.

- Let me hold your hand.
- It's too late now!

We'll make a clean breast of things,
whether you like it or not!

Let go of that woman's hands.

You notice I didn't say "my wife's,"
because she's not my wife.

- Oh, Tibor.
- Well, are you?

No, Tibor.

- She's a spy.
- A what?

She's an American gold digger
I picked up in Paris less than a week ago.

- Right?
- Yes, Tibor.

- Without a sou to her name!
- No, Tibor.

But there was something about her nose,

and the way the raindrops trickled down it
from that newspaper.

Newspaper?

Yeah, she was wearing one
instead of a hat.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.

She twisted me around
her finger in two minutes.

I was crazy about her.

She made me think she felt
the same way about me

until she remembered
she had other fish to fry.

Fish like you. Goldfish!

- Oh, please, Baron Czerny!
- I'm not a baron!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Please have a little
bite of breakfast now.

- Yes.
- You'd better.

We're all going to ride
cross-country this afternoon.

- Wh-- What's the matter with all of you?
- Why, nothing at all.

You all act as though
nothing had happened.

Well, Tibor, what has happened?

What's happened?
Didn't you hear what I said?

I wasn't fooling!

We're a pair of impostors!
You don't want us around here!

They're terribly
broad-minded people, Tibor.

What are you smirking about? Now, stop it!

- Don't talk like that to your wife.
- She's not my wife!

Haven't you heard what I said?

Are you all deaf, or are you crazy?

You're the one who's crazy, Czerny.
We know all about it.

Oh, so that's it.

- My china!
- He'll eat it!

[arguing, shouting]

[dog barking nearby]

[Eve] No, don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!

Oh, no!

[clangs]

That's enough, that's enough.

Oh, Tibor!

Come, my dear.

- But, Jacques, he's her husband.
- Not from now on.

I'm taking care of that.
She's going to marry me.

- Aren't you, darling?
- He's cut!

He's bleeding! Look!

No, no, that's just the gravy
from the kidneys.

- How is he?
- Fine. Pulse like a trip-hammer.

- Here, I'll do that.
- No, no, no, I'll do it.

Here.

Skipper.

You know, you better
leave the skipper to me.

I'll see he gets back to Paris all right.

I'll give him a few thousand francs.
He deserves it.

His performance was extremely helpful.

Are you and Jacques
planning an autumn wedding?

Nice kind of marriage.

As we turn from the altar,
I start explaining, I suppose.

My dear, you know it's amazing
how little one has to explain

to a man in love.

Mm-hm. And when he stops being in love?

Well, that's when the alimony'll begin!

Now, don't be soft-hearted.

Remember, every time
somebody orders champagne,

Jacques's income bubbles!

[chuckles] Yeah.

Listen, you've always heard
it's hard to be honest.

Let me tell you, it's a cinch.

What's tough is to be a good,
competent crook.

- Leave me alone with him.
- All right.

I'll be outside if you need me.

Are you feeling better?

[groans in pain]

It's all right. It's me.

It's Eve.

- Where are we?
- In the chateau.

You-- You got hit on the head.

[grunts in pain]

Oh, yeah.

You-- You told them I was crazy.

You'll feel better on the way home.

Home?

It'll take two men pushing and two men
pulling to get me away from here.

Oh, but I'm going with you.

- Going where?
- Back to Paris.

Isn't that what you came here for?
To take me away?

What's the catch?

Oh, now, you can't back out now.

You told me I could stay
in that apartment of yours.

Well, I'm moving in.

What's come over you?

I tried to be practical, but it--
It's no use. I just can't be.

Come on, get up.

How's your head?

Oh, it's bursting, thank you.

Oh, you poor darling.

What are you being so sweet about?

Well, it's all my fault.

Oh, it didn't work, huh?

- What?
- Your...

Your little stunt downstairs.

Come on, Skipper. Now, are you coming?

No!

It's too bad you didn't land
that fathead Jacques Picot.

He's not a fathead.

Why, because he found you out?

I can tell when a baroness
has had a swift kick!

Listen, you big idiot.
Jacques Picot just proposed to me.

[Tibor groans]

Are you surprised somebody else
wants to marry me?

You said no, I suppose.

I said nothing, but if you keep on,
I'll say yes.

- That's fine! That's where I step in.
- What can you do?

- Don't forget, you're married to me!
- I'm not married to you.

Jacques Picot thinks you are.
You're in a fine mess.

You've gotta get a divorce
from a man you aren't even married to.

- All right, I'll get a divorce!
- Just try it!

Watch me.

Well, is it settled?

Except for a small formality.

Where are you going?

My address is 143 Rue Martel.

You can serve me with the papers there!

- What happened?
- Nothing at all.

All we need now is a good lawyer.

[judge] So thereupon
you filed an action for divorce.

You didn't like the
color of your wife's hair, I suppose.

Your husband forgot to put the top
on the toothpaste tube, perhaps.

Well, that's not what
the courts of France are for!

We don't regard marriage
as a vaudeville that you leave

when you cease to be amused.

This isn't the United States of America,
nor is it the city of Nero, Nebraska.

It's France!

You've let a little matter
of personal antipathy interfere

with your duty to your country.

Go home. Case dismissed!

[whispering] I'm sorry
we're before this judge.

He's a little heavy-handed.

If he ever finds out, I'll be disbarred.

How are your jails in France?

Don't worry.

What if Czerny decides not to play ball?

I came up in the elevator with him.

He was very friendly.

Especially when I suggested
a financial arrangement

if the divorce goes through.

You shouldn't have done that.

He's not the kind of man you can buy.

The next case on the calendar.

Action for divorce,
Czerny against Czerny.

Everything will be all right, darling.

I hope so.

I know it will.

In half an hour you'll be free,
and in a week we'll be married.

You're holding up the proceedings.

Let me see.

In this action, Madame Czerny
is represented by...

- [Lebon] Maitre Lebon.
- Mm-hm.

And the defendant, Baron Czerny?

This is a republic.
I prefer to be known as Mr. Czerny.

Good. Who's your lawyer?

I shall look out for my own interests.

Among your papers, I don't
seem to find the marriage certificate.

There is none.

But if the court wishes,
we will put on the stand a witness from

the Chinese Consulate
to prove that the hall of records

in Shanghai was bombed
and destroyed in April, 1937.

Oh. Married in Shanghai, were you?

I admit the marriage.

Well, you'd hardly be asking me
to divorce you

if you'd never been married, would you?

Your grounds for asking this divorce are?

Mental cruelty.

Oh, that again, eh?

Suppose you describe this mental cruelty?

May it please the court,
my client can testify under oath

that, in all the time she and
the defendant have been together,

he has objected
to every one of her actions.

During that period, he tried to break up
every friendship she formed.

Mm.

He had frequent
violent attacks of jealousy.

Mm.

He used abusive language
when alone with the plaintiff,

and in the presence of others.

What language?

He-- He called her a gold digger,
for one thing.

Oh, I've had enough.

This is a familiar picture to me,

and I find it deplorable
that in a time of vast world unrest,

two grown-up people are unable
to iron out their own childish,

finnicking, imponderable squabbles.

There's a very healthy law in Albania,

I think it is, that a husband
may bring his wife back to her senses

by spanking her, not more than nine blows,

with any instrument
not larger than a broomstick.

- What do you say to that?
- You mean...

I say it's a fine rule.

A husband should have that privilege,

and no wife would resent it
if she knew he loved her.

Did he ever say, "I love you"?

Not once.

Not when I was ready to give up everything
and scrub floors for him,

if that was necessary.

Oh, I was wrong in the beginning,
I admit that.

Then I came to think
he was the only thing that mattered.

I didn't care what he had or who he was,
a baron or a gutter sweep.

Is that so incredible?

Wouldn't you believe a woman
if she said it?

If she stood like a beggar with a tin cup,

waiting for you to drop
in three little words,

"I believe you," or "Il love you,"
or anything warm and human.

Do you know what he said?

He said, "Is that so?"

And he said it with a smirking,
cynical grin.

Do you know what I call that?

Mental cruelty!

Thank you, Your Honor.

As a judge who has been sitting
on this bench for 35 years,

I want to say that is as sincere
a plea as I have ever heard.

My eyesight isn't what it once was,

but I can still see it's made
by a very beautiful woman.

She is still your wife.

Before the law grants her her freedom,

you have the right
to answer her accusations.

No answer.

In other words,
you're not contesting this divorce?

I am not.

You mean you're letting a woman like that
slip through your fingers?

Don't you want to say something?

I just want some water.

I am not a waiter, young man.

As for this divorce,
before judgment is pronounced,

there's a formality
provided by French law.

Will the husband and wife
retire to the reconciliation room?

The law compels them
to spend 15 minutes alone together.

A last chance to talk things over
and reconcile their differences.

That door over there.

It's a waste of time.

It's a confounded nuisance,
but it's the law.

Do you think she's safe with him
alone in there?

We'll hear her if she screams.

This means the end
of Jacques as an extra man.

Do you mind very much, Helene?

Surprisingly little.

Well, 15 minutes to Kill.

- Better sit down.
- I'll stand, thank you.

You're not cross, are you, Baroness?

You're the one that wants this divorce,
you know.

So you took money, huh?

I thought money didn't matter to you.

No, of course it didn't.

In small sums!

You and your principles.

I thought you were going to fight.
You practically threw me at his head.

Well, you picked his head.

You had to pick a fat one too, otherwise
your nasty little trick wouldn't work.

Well, maybe it was a dirty trick,

but I'll make it up to him
when I'm his wife.

Say, have you a mirror?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Shaving.

Here?

Well, why not?

Are you crazy?

That's what you said, didn't you?

[snaps] I left the water outside.
Pardon me.

Oh, Tibor, stop it.

I forgot the water. I'm sorry.

Wonderful stuff. It works
just as well with cold water.

Young man, are you insane?

Oh, I get very cross
when people say that to me.

[laughing]

I'll see you later, Your Honor.

Essential information
has been withheld from this court!

I want witnesses as to
the mental condition of the defendant!

You! You! You are his friends!

You knew this?

If it please the court,
it's not a violent case.

It is just that he thinks he's
a taxi driver or a fisherman now and then.

[knock on door]

[man] The judge wants to see you at once.

Here it is. Come on.

Quiet, everybody.

Young woman, you almost succeeded
in wheedling this court

into what would have been
a serious miscarriage of justice.

According to the wise provisions
of the French law,

no divorce can be granted
where either party is mentally unstable.

Go home with your unfortunate husband,
young woman,

and get it out of your head
that you can ever get rid of this man.

Ever! Divorce refused.

Case dismissed.

Don't worry, darling. We'll get you
a divorce in Mexico or in Russia.

- Anywhere.
- No, Jacques.

Of course we can. It's simple.

Jacques, you've had a stroke of luck.

What do you mean?

You mustn't ever get married.

It would be unfair to so many women.

- You're turning me down.
- No.

I'm setting you free.

- Taxi?
- Oh!

- Step right in, just around the corner.
- What?

The License Bureau.

Oh, listen, Skipper,
you'd better think it over.

I have thought it over.

I won't promise to manage
on 40 francs a day.

Who said 40? With you around,
I'll make as much as we want.

Anything is possible. Don't argue.

- Where are you two going?
- To get married.

Oh.

What?

♪ [dramatic orchestral]