Original subtitles

I read this thing, it said that back in the 18003

women had so little standing in society

that if a woman murdered someone, they could arrest her husband

like it was his fault

cos they considered that, in law, she was literally incapable.

They thought women had no capacity for morals

or common sense or anything.

Which meant the husband was responsible for everything she did.

So if the wife murdered someone, her husband could be hanged.

Man: Oh, don't give her ideas. — woman: I wish!

Lucy, tell your mum, "don't get ideas now", I'm not safe.

As soon as you get there, you bring that law back fast as you can.

I'll have a word. — mum: Good boy.

He's not the lord bloody chancellor. He's gonna study the law, not make it.

Well, give him time. — no! Definition of a barrister

is a servant of the law!

He's leaving home to buckle down and work hard, that's the point.

I meant to say, I'll go through your wardrobe next week.

There's stuff in there from when you were 12.

It can all go. — but, just leave it.

I'll sort it out when I come back.

Oh, that's not till Christmas.

Yeah, but I know where everything is.

Well, I won't go mad.

Anything nice, I'll put to one side.

But I can move everything out and give it a good scrub.

All the corners.

Maybe even paint it.

By the time you come back, it'll be like new.

I'll give you a call and let you know the number.

Mum: I mean it. It's different on the mainland.

You see something left on the bus or a tube

anything left on its own, don't touch it, alright?

Ship horn blares

dad: There's some things your mother didn't pack.

I don't want you getting some girl in trouble.

But make sure they all get used.

Your mother's right, it is different on the mainland.

It's a lot more fun.

He chuckles

Music: "Feels like I'm in love" by Kelly Marie

♪ It feels like ♪

♪ it feels like I'm in love ♪

♪ it feels like my heart beats like a drum ♪

He mouths

car horn beeps

so what's all that about then?

How'd you mean? — your dad.

Past week, he's been picking you up every night.

Oh, he's working round the corner, he likes going for a pint, that's all.

Alright then. Have one for me, yeah? I'll see you tomorrow.

See ya.

Who's he? — that's not fair.

I can't help working with men, can I?

Engine starts

Woman speaks own language

she continues in own language

Father, forgive my son Roscoe.

He has fallen into the pit of sodomy!

Save him, oh lord.

Girl: Uncle basil's here. I warned you.

He's gonna take you home.

Look.

There's 120 quid, it's all I've got.

Just take it and go. — but, go where?

I don't know. You're the one with the secret little friends, aren't you?

Go to them, I don't care. — uncle basil can't take me out the country

not if I say no.

If you cause trouble, he says the whole family can go back to Nigeria and I'm not!

I won't.

You're not gonna ruin my life too.

Roscoe... — he sighs

if they send you back home...

They will beat you...

And bleed you.

In the name of god, they will kill you.

And then they'll throw your body into the forest

and leave you for the animals.

You stupid little kid.

Uncle basil's downstairs.

Just run.

Run.

It goes without saying, but if you need me to make the journey alongside you

I would be more than happy.

It would be an honour.

That would help.

Thank you.

Given the time of arrival, some people choose to stay in Lagos for the first night

but if you take my advice, get him out of the city as fast as you can.

I can get you a car and a driver, it's easily done.

Thud upstairs — but that's an additional cost

on top of the rest.

Basil: The society would help, that's why they exist.

You fall, they catch you with open arms.

Thud upstairs

mother: But it could take months to heal the boy.

How do I cope with Oscar away and no money coming in?

Basil: Again, the society is there.

We have anticipated everything.

Thud upstairs

what is he doing?

Your son has the devil in him tonight, Rosa.

That's exactly the problem.

Footsteps thud

what in the name of the lord?

I'm going now.

So thank you very much, and if you need to forward any mail

I'll be staying at 23 piss off Avenue, London w fuck.

Thank you and goodbye.

Woman laughs

basil: No! No! — table thuds

they clamour — no! No!

No! — woman laughs

Roscoe! Come back here!

Music: "Feels like I'm in love" by Kelly Marie

woman laughs

♪ my head is in a spin ♪

♪ my feet don't touch the ground ♪

Father: Roscoe!

♪ Because you're near to me, my head goes round and round ♪

Father: Roscoe! Come back here!

♪ My hands are shaking, baby ♪

Father: If you leave now, you don't come back!

Roscoe!

♪ It feels like... ♪

Doorbell rings

hello.

Well, don't just stand there! In you come, that's a good lad.

Radio plays faintly

now then, I went through everything with your mother, but first things first.

There's the telephone, and there's a jotter on the side

so you can make a list of any calls.

Just write the duration and whether it was before or after 6pm.

Oh, that's the family. That's Mike and my lad, Ross.

Colin's arrived, boys.

We can all have a cup of tea once you've settled in.

And breakfast is included.

If you've got a radio or a tape deck, then not past 10pm

and it's a cheque every Friday morning.

That's the inventory.

And, obviously, no girls in the room.

Goes without saying.

Ilt's nice though, isn't it?

Lovely. Thank you very much.

In Welsh accent: "And there's lovely!" How funny.

Big Ben chimes

clock ticks loudly

Colin: I learn something new every day.

I had to memorise all the Oxford and Cambridge ties

cos all the different colleges have got a different tie.

But I did it.

Well, you've always had a good memory, I could've told them that.

I remember you revising. You'd learn whole chapters off by heart.

Door sh uts — what's it like outside of work?

Is it nice?

Yeah. — you making friends?

Yeah. — there, now. Lucky them, lsay/

what do you do, go for drinks? — yeah, sometimes.

You going out tonight? — yeah.

Oh, nice, where you off to?

I don't know, anywhere.

There's a million pubs and things, we go all over, it's brilliant.

Radio plays

well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye—bye, and well done for today.

Man: Oh, it was all mr Coltrane's doing.

I don't think they stood a chance.

Just doing my job, sir.

Well, congratulations.

Colin!

Fingers click — if you could just stay behind.

Fingers click — take your jacket off.

It's all about tiny little particles of cotton.

They get under the fingernails.

They can get into the bloodstream.

Tiny little fibres, burrowing in.

So, you've got to wash.

At the end of every day, give yourself a good scrub.

Fingernails, between the fingers.

Don't forget the thumbs.

Otherwise, all those fibres can get inside.

Come on!

Well, start washing. I want to see your technique.

Fingernails, and thumbs.

Come here.

All those tiny fibres, eliminate them.

Every single dirty little bugger.

Come on, take your shirt off.

Come on, shirt off!

Huh?

You gotta take the arm

and you've got to clean it, and clean it again.

Got that, Colin?

Clean it and clean it again.

Clean it, and clean it again.

Clean it, and clean it again.

Clean it, and clean it again.

And then under the arm.

Door opens

sorry, I had that penhaligon account going through my head

thought I'd do a little bit of homework, if that's alright?

I was teaching Colin cleanliness.

Mr Coltrane: Absolutely.

Mr hart: Got that?

Yes, sir.

Mr hart: I'll see you two bright and early.

Door creaks

door shuts — water splashes

if he says anything

if he even suggests a little extramural activity, just give me the nod.

I can always find ways to introduce his wife into the conversation.

I've got to say, he does pick them very well.

Mr hart does tend to know, if you see what I mean.

Where are you from?

Bryncoch, it's in south wales.

I guessed it would be, you give that away slightly.

But I don't suppose there's a girlfriend waiting back home in wales, is there?

Perhaps a boyfriend? — no.

But would there be?

If you could?

You don't have to worry about me. I'm not remotely interested.

If you insist on asking

and really I can't get a word in edgeways with you, dear god.

Colin laughs — but I live in hackney

with a very nice man from the algarve and we've been together for decades

so you're perfectly safe with me, Colin Morris Jones.

Really, though.

Perfectly safe.

So there isn't?

A boyfriend?

No. — but you'd like there to be?

Yes.

Oh, my god.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Another pint for the bender, please!

Colin sniggers

music: "Tainted love" by soft cell

indistinct chati'er

♪ sometimes / feel I've got to ♪

♪ run away, I've got to ♪

♪ get away from the pain you drive ♪

♪ into the heart of me ♪

♪ the love we share ♪

♪ seems to go nowhere ♪

♪ and I've lost my light ♪

Woman: The other day I was talking to my friend

and he said they found 41 men with this cancer thing

and they all died at the same time in New York, and they were all gay.

Man: What, they all died on the same day?

Woman: Yeah, that's what it said, cos my uncle lives in Brooklyn.

He said all 41 had exactly the same cancer.

She mouths

what?

His name's ash, he's from welwyn garden city

and he's a bender, so you're in with a chance.

No, I was...

Just looking at your class.

It looked like fun.

What are you, English and drama? — yeah, first year.

Cos I did plays at school.

I loved it, I was quite good.

I thought about doing drama for a while.

I'm ritchie, by the way.

And I'm Jill.

Do you wanna meet him then?

Ash? — I'm not, I wasn't, I was just...

Literally looking. — so, you're not gay then?

No! Oh, my god, no.

I'm more like bisexual, really

cos, you know, then you can fancy anyone in the room.

Walk into a party, there's double the choice.

Well, it's no good telling me, tell him.

Ash! Over here!

Say hello, don't be stupid. He's nice, he's sweet, he's funny.

This is ritchie, he says he's bisexual

so he can have sex with you or me, so what do you wanna do?

Wrestle for him?

Music: "Reward" by the teardrop explodes

♪ until I learn to accept my ♪

♪ I learn to accept my ♪

♪ I learn to accept my reward ♪

You need a bit of a wash.

I had a shower this morning.

No, uh, down there, your...

Your arse, you need a good wash, ok?

Indistinct chati'er

Thanks for that.

Sure.

So, do you still want...

It's kinda gone now.

Yeah, that's alright.

I have to get back anyway.

Was that your first time?

No.

Did you think I was exotic?

No. What does that mean?

You're born and bred on the isle of wight. Do they have any Indians?

There's, like, one family.

Oh, my god.

They live in wootton bridge.

Every time we drive past them, my dad says, "there they are."

Not being offensive, just, "there they are."

So what does he say about you? — oh, my god, he doesn't know.

They'd kill me.

Both of them, they'd Chuck me out. I'm not kidding.

I have to sit there, not saying a word.

Dreaming of Steve Austin.

Oh, god, yeah!

Ash laughs

honestly, I'm so frustrated.

I used to fancy stretch Armstrong.

Ash snorts — I did. It's those little trunks.

Did you see they gave stretch Armstrong a dog? He's called fetch Armstrong.

I saw that.

I always thought stretch Armstrong should have a dirty old uncle

lech Armstrong. — lech! That's brilliant.

They laugh — it's good, isn't it?

I did it with this guy, he was... He was like a real lech Armstrong.

He was 37 years old.

My god. Imagine telling your parents that?

And it's... it's even worse for you, coming from your background, you know?

Like, with your parents. I mean, what are you, hindus?

You must be hindus I suppose, is that right? Or muslims? No.

Hindus, you'd be hindus. Are you? Or muslims? No, Buddhists.

Are you Buddhists? No, it's hindus, isn't it?

Hindi, hindu. Hindis?

I'll see you around.

Oh, my god, how did it go?

He sobs I'm sorry...

Daft sod.

He cries

I was 18 years old and I got a job at Gatwick.

I was a ramp agent, and he was cabin crew with iberia.

He loved my job title.

He used to say, "are you rampagent?"

And I would say, "yes, I'm very rampagent, thank you very much."

Hm! And that went on for a bit.

And then one day, we got the train back to the little bedsit I had then

and he walked me to the door

and he stepped inside and then he never left.

Thirty years ago.

Bell dings

he'll undoubtedly try to be funny

and he will say something blue, this is inevitable.

Hello. Oh, this must be Colin.

Excellent.

You strip him naked and I'll shave his little bum

and then I'm gonna use the clothes pegs. He clicks his tongue

what did I say? First prize for predictability.

Good evening, sexy legs. — hello.

Come on in. Come on.

They laugh — if you think that's funny, wait...

Wait... wait, there's more, there's more.

And I said, "where do you think you're going, mister, huh?"

And he turned round and you're never gonna guess what.

What? — it was the same man

again! — they laugh

I like it though.

It was more fun when it was illegal.

But what about your neighbours?

Do they know about you?

No. He tuts

we are secret.

When I leave the house, I dress like a lady.

They laugh — mr Coltrane: Stop it!

They know. They've always known. — yeah.

It's like the official history of the world

says that men like us have always been hidden away in secret

but then there's the real world where we've been living

together, for all this time.

What about your families? Do...

Well, I moved on from them.

How do you mean?

I've moved on.

But my mother, she comes over.

She doesn't ask. All these years, not a single question.

There's only two bedrooms, she stays in the spare room

Henry's in with me.

So what does she think? But she says nothing.

She loves him, like I do, no problem at all.

Right?

Will you be in the room when I tell them?

No, you've gotta do this on your own.

Take a deep breath...

And tell 'em the truth.

Here we are.

It's not much. It's a bit rubbish round here.

Shut up, it's nice.

Thanks, Lucy.

Have you locked it?

Is she alright?

Oh, she's always in a mood.

Who's that strange man in my house?

I don't know you. Clive! Call the police!

I made it. Merry Christmas.

Oh, hello.

Right.

Oh, you must be Jill.

He never said. Where are you from?

Just outside woking.

Oh, but originally, what's your...

What's your... What's your, you know, heritage?

My dad's from Dominica in the Caribbean.

Well, it doesn't bother us.

Flag of all nations in this house.

Is there anything you don't eat? — no, I'll be fine, thank you.

But we do have rules. Separate bedrooms.

Sorry, sunshine, but not under my roof

and I don't wanna hear any creaking floorboards at midnight, do you understand?

I know all the tricks.

On radio: ♪ we wish you a many Christmas and a happy new year ♪

Right, no, you stay there. I'll clear up, I'll give these a rinse.

Oh no, you sit down, you're a guest.

I don't mind, honestly, and ritchie needs a word.

Over to you.

Well, what does that mean? Word about what?

Oh, you're kidding me?

Is this what I think it is? Like, she's not...

He whispers: Pregnant?

No! — oh, thank god for that.

Well, what... what is it then?

So, thing is, I've been thinking

past few months, about my life and all sorts of things

so I've made a decision and I... I just wanna explain it to you.

♪ We wish you a many Christmas... ♪

I'm not doing law.

I'm changing to drama.

It's drama with English so, you know, there's proper academic work

but it's a drama course really, um, and I think it's more me.

Oh, you little idiot.

No, but it's my choice and I'm sorry, but that's what I'm doing.

I think you'll find you're not.

It's already done. It's only been a term so they said I could swap.

What about your Grant, eh?

Did you think about that? You don't get a Grant for bloody drama.

W... what? drama with a view to what?

What are you gonna do with it?

I'm gonna be an actor.

He laughs

you are so pathetic.

Oh, that... that...

That's it, that's royal, that is. That is bloody excellent!

You stupid little dreamer.

Suppose this was your idea?

No. — yeah.

I mean, you just opened it up for him, didn't you?

Your... sweetness.

Music: "Hooked on classics" by royal philharmonic orchestra

all: Happy new year! — she laughs

They groan

He gasps

They laugh

Inaudible speech

He whoops

He groans

they laugh

and this is my best friend, Jill!

No, I'm sorry, no.

As drag goes, that is completely unconvincing.

He needs a good shave! Look at the five o'clock shadow, he's so manly!

I'm the only one who is.

They laugh

she's camper than me!

They cheer

that cold came back, Juan Pablo.

Do you remember, he had that silly little cough

when the airline went bust, then again in April?

Now it's back.

It's hard to tell though, he does make a three—act play of it.

They've taken him into hospital.

Oh. Sorry.

Is he alright?

Yeah, fuss over nothing.

They said it was pneumonia

then they said it was like something you get from birds in his lungs.

They said it was strange, they said it was some kind of psittacosis.

What, like you get in parrots? — that's what they said.

You haven't got a parrot, have you?

Of course we haven't got a fucking parrot.

She sat me down and she said, "has he been in contact with any birds?"

I said, "no." I mean, what sort of question is that?

Birds.

But people don't get psittacosis, do they?

Well, no.

Except there he is.

It's ridiculous.

Hello, good morning!

Oh, Colin! You'll have to work through your lunch, I'm afraid.

Mr Coltrane's off sick

so you'll have to cover. Is that alright?

Yeah, that's fine. Thank you.

Phone dials

TV commentary: Very similar tackle. I think the referee, mr Simms, is telling him

”one more chance. ”

So, a free kick just outside the ho vers ' box.

Phone continues dialling

Colin, this is mr Brewster, he'll be standing in for mr Coltrane

just till he gets better.

Right. Hello.

Knock on door

Henry?

It's me, Colin!

Mr Brewster will be joining us on a permanent basis

to replace mr Coltrane.

Welcome on board! You'll make a very good team.

He knocks loudly

woman: You're wasting your time, love.

He went into hospital last week.

Henry. Ambulance. Four in the morning.

Bad chest or something.

Right, thanks.

What about, uh, Juan Pablo? The other one, his friend.

Bloody argie. He can go home.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Henry Coltrane?

They told me he was here.

It's family only.

I know, they said. I'm his nephew.

Here we are.

Nurse: Henry? You have a visitor.

They said it could've been there for years, sitting on my chest.

This bit popped up to have a look.

And it's cancer?

But why do I need all these? I mean...

Cancer's not infectious.

It's to protect me, not you.

Oh. —idiot.

Except...

They said, it's odd.

They said, "you'd expect this if you were 90

or Jewish or Turkish."

But... but...

It's not the same thing as Juan Pablo?

No. Just bad luck.

Two of us getting sick at the same time.

Where is he?

He's gone.

To Portugal.

Mr Coltrane snorts

his mother descended.

"I'm taking him home." Hm.

I've tried writing...

But I can't phone Portugal from here.

I keep thinking...

We had mould...

In the kitchen, a little strip of mould.

We had the damp course done, we had it replastered

we painted it. I painted it with zinc.

But it kept coming back.

I was at war with this...

Little strip, and I...

I just keep thinking...

Was it the mould?

On the chest.

Two of us just breathing it in.

Knock on door

mr Coltrane: Lunch.

Could you?

Colin: Don't they bring it in?

No.

They do not.

What time do you think you'll be back?

I lock the front door at ten.

I might not. I might stay out all night.

Thank you.

Men laugh — indistinct chati'er

Roscoe: Now cheer the fuck up.

You're dragging the whole place down.

Distant laughter

group chatter and laugh — did you see him, did you see his shoe?

Roscoe: Never mind that, did you see his arse?

I'm gonna let go!

Stop it! Stop it! Don't, Gregory!

Don't! No, please! — Gloria, don't be so fuckin' nuts.

Get out the car then.

He screams — they laugh

ritchie: Right, party rules!

First choice on every boy is mine! — here we are.

The pink palace!

Just so you know, this is not a housewarming

we're gonna have a party every night.

Here she is, she smelt the beers!

Woman laughs

Roscoe: Welcome to our new home! Le pa/ais de pink/

indistinct chati'er

now, don't laugh, ok? I'm not kidding.

Dad thinks I'm at choir. He'd kill me with his bare hands.

But you! You must be crazy sharing a flat with him.

I know. But I had to move out of halls, I was getting complaints

with the banging headboard.

And it's dirt cheap, this place, cos I was working on the house next door

and mr friedrichs said, "oh, we're looking for tenants!"

He screwed the landlord. — "mr free—dicks".

Your brother had the landlord spinning on his knob like a battling top.

Proud of you, boy. — ok, I confess!

I did, I had him. — oh, my god.

In here, bum in the air, right there.

Stop it! — but it's brilliant because Jill and I said

"let's find somewhere together." — oh, "Jill and I."

Jill and I, your lordship! — but we did, we were looking

and then ash said, "well, I'll move in with you."

And ritchie said, "you can share my bed, ashie!

Please!" — no way, never again.

Been there, done it, spat it out.

Jill gasps pass me another boy.

This one's split.

Oh! — ritchie: Bill Baxter, you're filthy.

So, thank you, mr free—dicks!

This place is only 20 quid a week all thanks to your brother's penis.

Mm, 25 until we fill that spare bed.

Oh, just move in with us, Gloria.

In this tip? Are you kidding? I've got a council flat.

The people pissing in my lift do so with love and care.

It's practically intimate.

Why do you call it the pink palace? Is that the name of a club or something?

No, mummy dearest brought little ritchie lots of things from home

and look...

She brought him this.

Camp or what?

Gregory: It's pinker than my dick! — I thank you.

Roscoe: Oh! — they laugh

darling...

Music: "Call me" by blondie ♪ colour me your colour, darling ♪

♪ lknow who you are ♪

♪ come up off your colour chart ♪

♪ lknow where you're coming from ♪

♪ call me ♪ — crowd sings along

♪ on the line ♪

♪ call me, call me any, any time ♪

♪ call me ♪ — crowd sings along

♪ I'i/ arrive, you can call me any day or night ♪

♪ call me ♪

Indistinct chati'er

oh, for god's sake! You two! I thought it was over!

Old times' sake!

She gasps oh, you dirty...

The government knows all about it, right?

And they're keeping it quiet, cos there's a strain of flu

and it affects only gay men and it kills them.

It's called grid, it started in america, and it's coming over here.

You can't have a gay flu! And no one dies of flu anymore.

They're dying in San Francisco. My friend said it's a plague.

Don't be ridiculous. That would be all over the news.

I've gotta be honest, I think you're being a little bit rude.

Dracula!

Take me to your castle, hot stuff, come on.

Roscoe: Ladies and gentlemen!

And you, Gregory... — they laugh

pray gather hereupon for the star turn of the night!

I give you miss Rachel tozer!

Crowd cheers and whistles

she gasps oh, my god!

Rachel! He's Rachel!

He looks like Nana mouskouri!

They laugh

please, my people. Silencio/

I would like to give you a song.

Crowd: Ooh! — shh, shh, shh!

La!

Man cheers

Roscoe: Is that it?

They laugh

bravo! — woo!

Crowd whistles

pop music blares

sorry.

But that girl, uh, Jill, did she say this place had a spare room?

It's a spare bed, not a spare room.

It means sharing with me, but I don't mind cos I'm out most nights

and if it lowers the rent, I'd share with Mary whitehouse.

What do you think? — well, I'd like it very much.

I can give you a reference.

Sod that. It's an 80 quid deposit, cash. Have you got it?

Yeah. — girls!

The rent's back down to 20 quid!

Gladys pugh's moving in.

Jill: Woohoo! Nice one, Roscoe!

Indistinct chati'er

indistinct chati'er

Roscoe: Did you see?

Indistinct chati'er

music: "Ne—ne na—na na—na nu—nu" by bad manners

♪ Check it out, check it out, check it out ♪

♪ check it out, check it out, check it out ♪

♪ check it out, check it out, check it out ♪

♪ check it out, check it out, check it out ♪

♪ check it out, check it out, check it out ♪

Alarm beeps

Door opens

Man on radio: It's a highly complicated giant molecule

and hey, man, that's well wicked!

Break a leg, Rachel.

Thanks, bill.

See you. — yeah, good luck.

And you.

See you later.

La!

Oh. La!

Good luck, Gladys. — thanks.

Wish me luck. — Jill: Good luck.

Door slams

Have you seen this?

Ritchie.

Thanks for coming. — oh, my god, no, thank you.

Morning. — oh, good morning, Colin.

Roscoe: Tah—dah!

Hi. — you're late. Give us a minute.

Sure.

To be honest, it might be a little soon to be looking for an agent

but still, I have to ask.

If I were to represent you, and the right job came along

would you consider leaving college?

Oh, yes. Bang, done. Yes.

Mr hart: It's been a year. Now, just thought we'd assess where we are.

Happy, on the whole.

You've got that tendency to drift off, I've warned you about that.

And you could be more assertive. What do you think?

Yes, sir. — I said...

"You could be more assert——"

yes, sir!

Man: It's a proper job. I need someone to run the whole thing.

Bookings, strippers, drag nights...

And my worry is, are you a stupid tit who's gonna run off with my money?

Damn, got me!

So, where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Ten years' time, what do you want to be doing?

What you gonna do when you're older? What's the plan?

Oh, my god, I want everything.

West end, I want my name in lights, big movie posters with me on them.

I don't know. Ten years' time...

I'd be happy still working here.

You wait.

Give me five, six years, I'll be stinking rich.

No, as long as I can find work, I don't care.

Theatre, little bit of TV.

I could be that man in the background shouting, "let him go!"

Every single teacher I ever had, I wanna drive past them in my big, shiny car

like, "fuck you."

I wanna do good work.

I wanna learn everything...

Like mr Coltrane taught me.

Donegal tweed, they make the dye out of blackberries.

It's so beautiful.

I just wanna be happy.

Music: "Smalltown boy" by bronski beat