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1
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:07,773
(man)
Start it.
2
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:08,774
♪
3
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,009
♪ Zombie on the track
4
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,978
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
5
00:00:13,146 --> 00:00:15,447
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪
6
00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:18,584
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
7
00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:21,420
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
8
00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:24,289
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
9
00:00:24,424 --> 00:00:26,792
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪
10
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:29,495
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
11
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:32,364
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
12
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,534
♪ I done kept it real
from the jump ♪
13
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,170
♪ Livin' at my mama's house
we'd argue every mornin' ♪
14
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,672
♪ I was tryin' to get it
on my own ♪
15
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,442
♪ Workin' all night
traffic on the way home ♪
16
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,478
♪ And my uncle callin' me
like "Where you at? ♪
17
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:49,281
♪ I gave you the keys
told you bring it right back" ♪
18
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:52,117
♪ I just think it's funny
how it goes ♪
19
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,787
♪ Now I'm on the road
half a million for a show ♪
20
00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,456
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
21
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,459
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪
22
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,262
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
23
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,464
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
24
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:09,001
♪ Start, started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
25
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:11,703
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
26
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,505
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here... ♪
27
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:16,341
(woman)
Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am...
28
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,577
Ma'am!
29
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,512
You didn't sign the back
of the check.
30
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:22,448
Oh... I'm sorry.
31
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,216
Uh, you know,
I wasn't sure
32
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,984
if there was a special
teller I should go to
33
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,252
for checks that are
this large?
34
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:30,589
Ooh, 8K, unh!
35
00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:33,058
You know how
she got it, dude?
36
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:37,362
This bitch right here
drew this illustration,
37
00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:40,332
and a sexy-ass
new dating web site bought it
38
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,035
for $8,000!
39
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,237
"An alert from your bank"?
40
00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:49,441
What?
No.
41
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,443
This illustration.
42
00:01:51,544 --> 00:01:52,678
Hey, came from her heart.
43
00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:55,080
Great-- so do you
want this in cash?
44
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:57,116
No, I want it
in my savings account.
45
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,517
For somebody who works
at the bank,
46
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,718
(silly voice)
♪ I thought you'd be
47
00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,487
♪ more responsible
with money ♪
48
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:02,621
Ludacris.
49
00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:05,124
I also have some business
with the bank.
50
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:08,527
I'd like to cash
these nickels,
51
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,028
and I'll have them
in quarters, please.
52
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,263
Thank you so much.
53
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,532
♪ Four and three
and two and one-- one ♪
54
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:18,036
♪
55
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:24,143
Abbi, you're home.
56
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:25,611
What's going on?
57
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,779
Nothing, just, uh...
58
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,448
straightening up
in the living room.
59
00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:30,949
You know, I was gonna
fold this, heh.
60
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:31,950
This is a mess.
61
00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:35,287
(gasps)
Body Butter!
62
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,089
(gasps)
Lap pillow!
63
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,958
(gasps)
64
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,393
Julianna Margulies!
65
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,796
You were jerking off.
66
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,399
In the communal space!
67
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,634
You don't even
live here!
68
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,869
I wasn't even touching
my wiener yet.
69
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,504
I was still just
doing butt stuff.
70
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,640
Ew! What?
Okay.
71
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,808
I was "jerking off."
72
00:02:56,976 --> 00:02:58,710
And to Julianna Margulies.
73
00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:02,014
Bevers, I swear to God
that better be "E.R."
74
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,982
It's... "Good Wife."
75
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:08,487
You have a way of tainting
everything I love.
76
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,156
Taint?
Don't.
77
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,058
I'm done.
I'm moving out.
78
00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:14,860
I am moving
the (bleep) out!
79
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,229
You know why?
'Cause I have money now.
80
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:18,497
I got money now!
81
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:19,831
'Cause I'm a boss.
82
00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:22,968
'Cause I'm a badass boss!
83
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:25,037
Yeah, see how it goes.
84
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,706
You see how it goes!
85
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,810
Sorry.
86
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:37,916
"Operator."
87
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,718
(computer voice)
I heard "Oppertimer."
88
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:41,954
Op-er-a-tor.
Oppenheimer.
89
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,789
Thank you so much
for coming with me.
90
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,024
I can't live in this apartment
for another second.
91
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:49,895
Human being!
Huge feelings.
92
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:51,196
What's happening here?
93
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:53,031
I cancelled my cable
nine months ago.
94
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,233
They are still
charging me,
95
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:57,035
and I'm getting
an overdraft fee every day.
96
00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:58,704
Did you return
your cable box?
97
00:03:58,805 --> 00:03:59,738
Yeah, you came
with me, remember?
98
00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:01,340
That old lady spit
on you in line.
99
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,275
Oh, right.
That was...
100
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,876
Human being!
101
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,245
Human being.
102
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,680
Cumin braiding.Where is this broker?
103
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:11,350
Just, I wanna
move out immediately.
104
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,685
Hi, girls.
It's me, Pam.
105
00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:18,690
HI...
106
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,893
Oh--
Oh...
107
00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:23,829
Hi.
108
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:27,899
Hi.
Hi.
109
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,134
I'm Abbi.
We spoke on the phone.
110
00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:31,603
Don't shake my hand,
it was just down my pants.
111
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:34,406
Let's find you your dream
apartment, shall we?
112
00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:37,442
Yeah.
Let's go here.
113
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:39,144
(Pam)
Beautiful day.
114
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,615
Well, what do you think?
115
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,884
It's a hallway.
116
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,020
It is a beautiful
117
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,922
railroad-style apartment
in your budget.
118
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,357
Where's the bathroom?
119
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,092
Where isn't the bathroom?
120
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,695
Jeez, wear a catheter,
go in the corner.
121
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,897
You can fit
a king size bed in here.
122
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,066
Yeah, if you fold it up
like a taco.
123
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,135
God, why am I so
turned on right now?
124
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,404
Ew, Pam, this place
is horrible.
125
00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:06,705
Let's just move on.
126
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,442
Look, don't bully me,
all right-- I can't take it!
127
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:13,412
I was cyberbullied within
an inch of my life last night.
128
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,215
I make dolls
out of human hair.
129
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,484
Who's thirsty?
130
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,753
(Pam)
God, I hope there's not
another speed bump.
131
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,022
I've got 18 stitches
down there in my Susie.
132
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,891
You know, the doctor said
they'd disintegrate,
133
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,092
but they haven't.
134
00:05:27,226 --> 00:05:28,427
Maybe I should
get 'em yanked out.
135
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:29,461
Maybe I can
yank 'em out.
136
00:05:29,595 --> 00:05:30,829
You got any tweezers
on ya?
137
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,964
You know, I don't.
I'm sorry.
138
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:34,833
They're killing me.
Oh well
139
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,368
Can't let it
get me down.
140
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:37,903
God, I love this car.
141
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,004
It's so little,
you know,
142
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,639
you can basically
park it anywhere.
143
00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:42,441
(computer voice)
Thank you for holding.
144
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,710
You are no longer
on pre-hold.
145
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,111
You are on actual hold.
146
00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:47,145
It's so fun to drive one
so small.
147
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,414
"Pre-hold"?
Pre-hold-- really?
148
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,249
(computer voice)
I heard "pre-hold."
149
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,585
You are now being placed
back on pre-hold.
150
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,487
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no-- hello?
151
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:58,423
And we are here!
(tires screech)
152
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:01,093
This place is terrific!
153
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:02,761
It's a prewar building
154
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,896
built right after
the Iraq war.
155
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,531
How's that mattress
treatin' ya?
156
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,633
I can't sleep like this.
I feel like I'm in a coffin.
157
00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:10,769
I slept in a coffin once.
158
00:06:10,903 --> 00:06:13,939
It wasn't that bad,
except for the body.
159
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,974
Let's go!
(snaps fingers)
160
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:18,076
Ilana, I'm gonna
get out first.
161
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:20,178
And then you come,
okay?
162
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:22,013
Oh!
Damn!
163
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,615
Dude!
(bleep)
164
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,285
Let's hustle!
165
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,754
Your hand's on my ass.
I'm like--
166
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:29,855
I'm like--
I'm on the ladder.
167
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:31,356
I got--
I got this.
I'm cool.
168
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,325
(computer voice)
Thank you for holding.
169
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,160
(Ilana)
(bleep) you, robot!
170
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:36,895
(tires screech)
171
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,263
Come on,
let's hurry up.
172
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,365
I gotta get home
and feed my Oscar fish.
173
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,234
Are we just leaving it?
174
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,736
Let's see... oh.
175
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,038
Hey, you guys know
that television show "Friends"?
176
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:50,542
Yes.
Oh, my God.
177
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,811
It's a great show,
right?
178
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,946
Here's this place.
179
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:02,888
(computer voice)
Welcome to Ideal Media.You are next in line.
180
00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:04,156
Hello? Hello?
181
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:05,223
(computer voice)
But it is no guarantee.
182
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,358
Hi--
(sighs)
183
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,460
Hel-- I'll be right in.
(computer chime)
184
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,162
(man on phone)
Hello, how can I help you?
185
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,997
Oh-- oh my goodness.
186
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,565
Are you a human being?
Hello?
187
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:15,066
(man)
Yes, I am.How can I help you?
188
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,234
Oh...
189
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,436
The good news is,
190
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,937
the landlords are
gonna repaint,
191
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:20,105
and you get to pick
the color.
192
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,274
I would suggest red.
193
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,442
More good news.
194
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,310
The walls are
super thick.
195
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:26,711
Listen.
196
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:28,079
(solid thuds)
197
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,381
(shouting)
Help!
198
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,316
Please call the police!
199
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,918
They tied me up!
200
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:35,053
I think they're
Filipino!
201
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:38,123
They took my baby!
202
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,393
(sobbing hysterically)
203
00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:42,828
(man)
You're still being charged
204
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,629
because you returned the cable
box, but not the remote.
205
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,631
So I'm being charged
$100 a month
206
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,600
for a remote control?
207
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,235
I have no idea
where that is.
208
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,037
Well, you're gonna have
to track it down
209
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:54,372
or you'll keep
being charged... forever.
210
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:56,408
(sobbing hysterically)
211
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,243
See?
212
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,845
You could scream
all night long,
213
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:01,913
neighbor won't even
hear a thing.
214
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,114
This isn't working
for me.
215
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:04,149
I'm gonna go
on Craigslist.
216
00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:06,084
No, please, I really
need the money.
217
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:07,219
They're gonna break
my legs!
218
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:08,954
I'm sorry, I just gotta
do this on my own.
219
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,322
Wait... no!
220
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:14,726
Nooooo...
221
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,761
(silence)
222
00:08:16,863 --> 00:08:22,634
The walls are
really thick.
223
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,202
I don't understand
this, Ilana.
224
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,404
It's like you have
a thousand socks,
225
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,806
but no underwear
in the underwears drawer.
226
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:28,940
You don't have
to tell me.
227
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:31,176
I don't know where
my underwear goes.
228
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:32,511
That's why I'm always
going commando.
229
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,312
Oh, is this it?
No.
230
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:35,881
That's my old dictaphone
from high school.
231
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:38,350
Is a dick phone?
Dic-ta-phone.
232
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:41,253
Oh, I was...
"Hello? Hello, Dick."
233
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,822
(Ilana's voice on tape)
Great idea number nine.
234
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,091
It's like Facebook,but just for photos.
235
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,926
(inhaling, exhaling
doing bong hit)
236
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,861
I guess it could bevideos, too,
237
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,196
but mostly photos.
238
00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:52,230
(dictaphone off)
239
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:54,566
Ilana, you invented
the Instagram.
240
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:57,035
That's insane.
241
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,170
I bet I was high the last
time I had my remote.
242
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,540
Like, for sure!
Yeah, yeah.
243
00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:04,543
Like, certainly.
Certainly, yes.
244
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,678
Maybe if I get high again
I'll remember where I put it.
245
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,446
Aren't you already high?
246
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,748
I-- I mean,
like, more high.
247
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:12,250
Is "higher."
"Highest."
248
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:18,356
♪
249
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:24,062
Last year, Brooklyn.
250
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,464
My old apartment
on Flatbush.
251
00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:32,671
Living room...
couch.
252
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:35,073
Sex on the couch.
253
00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:42,547
Bad sex.
Really bad sex.
254
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:45,984
The worst sex.
Dale!
255
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,587
Eww...
256
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:50,221
Dale.
257
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:53,191
(buzzing)
258
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,360
Thank you so much for
coming with me again.
259
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,729
Ilana can't find
her remote, so--
260
00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,731
Also, I'm terrified
of Craigslist.
261
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,900
If it ever gets weird,
I'll get you out of there.
262
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,202
I don't want you moving in
with a Craigslist killer.
263
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,604
So scary.
264
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,372
That dude just posted
for women,
265
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:08,840
and then just kills them.
266
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:09,841
Or do you think
he has sex with them
267
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,076
and then kills them?
268
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:14,613
Or did he kill them,
then have sex with them?
269
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,314
(man, over intercom)
You're both right.
270
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,850
Oh, sorry, this is Mark.Please, enter me.
271
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,452
I mean, please, enter me.
272
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:21,753
Please enterand come on up.
273
00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:22,887
(buzzer buzzing)
274
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,356
All right.
275
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,328
(phone line ringing)
276
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:34,366
(cell phone vibrating)
277
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,534
Ilana?
Hey, Dale.
278
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,937
How are you?
279
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:41,039
I'm good, I'm good.
280
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,340
Me, too.
(chuckles)
281
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,075
(inhales sharply)
282
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:46,111
Uh, okay, so listen.
283
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:48,780
Um, this is kind of an awkward
conversation to have,
284
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,849
But do you have...
285
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:53,852
Herpes?
Yeah, all over.
286
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,087
What?
I have herpes?
287
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,555
That's not what I was
calling about.
288
00:10:57,690 --> 00:10:59,658
Yeah, me neither.
(chuckles)
289
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:00,725
I thought you were
someone else.
290
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,361
Okay...
291
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,363
Look, I was calling
to ask
292
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,831
if you have
my cable remote.
293
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,567
Uh, yeah, I--
294
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,302
I guess it might be
around here somewhere.
295
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,804
Okay, well, I need it.
296
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:14,472
Why don't you come over?
297
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:15,740
I'll make my
encrusted salmon.
298
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:18,309
Ew, no, just meet me
in a public place.
299
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,644
What about that
Italian restaurant
300
00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:20,745
where our souls merged?
301
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,847
Our souls never merged
dude.
302
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,649
Yeah, I know.
303
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,152
(exhales)
Jesus.
304
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,654
Let's uh-- Let's meet
at Washington Square Park.
305
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,057
Like, 5:00?
I'll be there.
306
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:34,759
Yikes.
307
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:42,967
(Mark)
The room is
available now.
308
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,870
So this is the living room.
309
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:47,839
Oh, man!
310
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,941
Look how high
these ceilings are.
311
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,077
Check out this crown
molding right there.
312
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:55,413
That's priceless.
Whoa.
313
00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,716
Oh, there's
a massage table.
314
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,784
Yeah, I'm taking classes
at the Swedish Institute.
315
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,219
Cool.
Yeah.
316
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,387
If you let me
practice on you,
317
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:05,724
I could knock a few
dollars off the rent.
318
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,926
Abbi, you gotta
check out the sink.
319
00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:10,762
It's so deep, you could wash
a baby in there.
320
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,864
I have.
321
00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:14,199
Okay.
322
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,368
So what's your
shoe size?
323
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:18,770
Nine.
324
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:23,742
Hmm.
Men's or women's?
325
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:26,544
Hey, Lincoln, did you hear
that cool question?
326
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:28,480
Lincoln?
Abbi, check it out.
327
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,914
There's another room
in here!
328
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,516
This place is crazy!
329
00:12:31,617 --> 00:12:33,651
Okay, we gotta
get out of here.
Why?
330
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,886
We're leaving.
Why?
331
00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:36,087
We have to--
Ah!
332
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:37,155
I see you found
my breakfast nook.
333
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:38,156
Yeah, man.
334
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:39,824
It's a cool-ass,
big-ass nook.
335
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,159
The one bathroom is
in there.
336
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,261
But it's pretty much
your private bathroom.
337
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:44,062
I almost never go.
338
00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:47,532
Except when I do go,
I really go.
339
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,701
It's a major problem.
340
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:50,902
You'll have to stay in a hotel
for a couple days.
341
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,737
I'll pay for it,
of course.
342
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,973
Lincoln, you wanna...
help me?
343
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,975
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Abbi, sorry.
344
00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:59,077
It's okay.
345
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:00,178
What hotel?
346
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:01,713
Holiday Inn Express?
347
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,081
She'll take it.
No.
348
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:04,315
Thank you so much.
Lovely place.
349
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:05,550
Come on, we're leaving.
350
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:07,919
(sniffing)
351
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,093
(horn honks)
352
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:18,196
Ilana!
353
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,965
Oh... God...
354
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,033
(chuckling)
Hey.
355
00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:23,368
Here.
Dale--
356
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:25,703
These are for you.
"It's a boy"?
357
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:27,806
It's all they had left
at Key Foods.
358
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:29,607
Okay...
Okay...
359
00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:31,309
(straining)
Okay, please...
All right.
360
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,044
Ilana, listen.
361
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:34,312
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
362
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,214
I know why you left
that remote.
363
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,217
You want to get
back together.
364
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,451
And I'm in.
365
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:45,023
Dale, we were nevertogether!
366
00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:47,659
We were roommates
who had sex
367
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,561
a small handful of times
368
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,095
because the train
wasn't running
369
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:52,397
to Manhattan
on the weekends.
370
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,499
Say the word, and I'll
leave my fiancèe.
371
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:55,633
You're engaged?
372
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:01,272
And you brought her?
What is wrong with you?
373
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,540
Just say you'll
give us a shot,
374
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,975
and I'll give the driver
a signal,
375
00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:08,580
and he will take her straight
to Newark airport.
376
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,281
Give me the remote.
377
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,586
Come on.
378
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,522
Thanks for the balloons.
379
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:19,157
Please don't tell Amanda
I told you I'd leave her.
380
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:20,625
(scoffs)
Please don't tell her
381
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:22,393
I bought her a one-way ticket
to Santa Fe.
382
00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:25,964
What?
Please don't tell her
I have herpes!
383
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:28,066
Do I or do I not
have herpes?
384
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,802
I do, you don't.
385
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,670
Oh, God!
386
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,076
This is unreal.
387
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:40,211
I can't believe I can
get a room in Manhattan
388
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,379
for 900 bucks a month.
389
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,047
See, I told you
you'd find something.
390
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:44,215
This place is perfect.
391
00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:47,785
Hey, if she doesn't
get the room, I might.
392
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,354
No, I'm taking it.
Stop.
393
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,756
Well, we go to Priya's mom's
beach house most weekends,
394
00:14:51,857 --> 00:14:53,524
so you'll have the place
to yourself a lot.
395
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,727
Wow.
We make dinner
every night,
396
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,462
and our sex is
on the quiet side.
397
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,498
Yeah, so is mine,
with myself, right?
398
00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:02,834
(laughter)
Yeah!
399
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:05,303
I think I speak for Priya
when I say
400
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,305
we would love to have you
as a roommate.
401
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,340
Yes, that would
be awesome.
402
00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,242
Do I dare say
we toast?
403
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,810
I double dare ya!
404
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,047
Let's do it.
Thank you.
405
00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:19,284
To built-ins, countertops
you can chop right on,
406
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:22,654
and toilets with two
flush buttons-- cheers.
407
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,088
(laughter)
Yeah.
408
00:15:24,189 --> 00:15:26,858
♪ SelectDate, SelectDate
409
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:28,226
Oh, wait,
this is the commercial.
410
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,428
This is the illustration
I was telling you guys about.
411
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:31,930
Man, this is so cool.
412
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,364
I did this.
413
00:15:33,532 --> 00:15:36,868
♪
414
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:40,271
Jack?
415
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:42,006
(heavy thud)
416
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:44,409
On a date with someone
who isn't your type?
417
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,744
They're just not like you.
418
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:48,947
What does he mean,
"not like you"?
419
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:50,915
But with SelectDate,
you get to choose
420
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,684
from the cream of the crop.
421
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,586
Because we only dealwith the cream.
422
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,722
♪
423
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,525
For whites who are single
and ready to mingle.
424
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,527
Oh...
SelectDate,
425
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:07,298
the final solution
to your dating problems.
426
00:16:10,202 --> 00:16:12,537
What the (bleep), Abbi?
427
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,439
No, no, that is not--
428
00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:16,908
I wouldn't ever do
something like that.
429
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:19,544
(nervous chuckle)
'Cause I--
430
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,945
I just drew happy couples.
431
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,081
Like, 'cause I love couples.
I love people.
432
00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:25,016
I just love people.
Like, I love, like--
433
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,351
I love all races.
434
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:29,387
"Races," not "racists."
435
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,621
You guys are--
I wouldn't--
436
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:32,323
And it's a--
437
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:33,925
It's probably
not national.
438
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:36,394
It's just like, um--
Probably it's just--
439
00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:40,164
(sighs)
I'm so sorry.
440
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:41,399
I don't know her
that well.
441
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,701
I'm just--
I'm bonin' her friend,
442
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,436
and so I just
hang out with her.
443
00:16:45,604 --> 00:16:46,471
You know how you gotta
hang out
444
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,072
with your girl's friends?
445
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,278
Hmm.
446
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,417
No, this is
the wrong remote.
447
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,786
What must I do?
448
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,021
What do you want
from me?
449
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,423
Look, lady, this is
the wrong remote,
450
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:06,824
and this is the right remote.
451
00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:09,427
Okay, you gotta get
the right remote.
452
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:10,795
I had to find out I may
or may not have herpes
453
00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:13,164
to get this remote!
454
00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:14,165
Can I speak to
your manager, please?
455
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:16,134
Oh, I am the manager.
456
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:17,835
I also do billing,
installation programming,
457
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,804
and I compose
the "on hold" music.
458
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,139
You composed this music?
459
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:23,441
Oh, no, no, this is
the "waiting room" music.
460
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,244
I compose that too.
461
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,380
I'm actually the only
person who works here.
462
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,050
Yikes.
463
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:33,451
Okay, what are
my options?
464
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,520
You can either mail in
a check for $1,000,
465
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,588
or come in person
and pay $5.
466
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,357
You're only the fifth person
ever to come in.
467
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:40,391
Oh...
468
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:41,859
Here.
469
00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:43,027
I can pay
in quarters, right?
470
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,163
Oh, actually, no.
Our system's down
471
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:46,798
and we only take nickels.
472
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:49,367
Sorry.
473
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:51,102
Oh, and you know what?
I hate your music.
474
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,539
So do I.
475
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,014
Oh, my God.
476
00:18:13,325 --> 00:18:15,393
Hey, Abidab,
477
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,396
I really wanted to
apologize for last night.
478
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,832
We don't need
to get into it.
479
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,734
Well, I did make you
these bagel bites.
480
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,837
I put 'em in the shape
of an "A" because
481
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,039
I know how you like
to label your food.
482
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,174
Listen, when you
came in last night,
483
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,543
and-- and I was
touching myself...
484
00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:33,611
Can we please not?
485
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,379
So...
Well, let me just--
486
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:37,415
I really want to explain.
487
00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:38,883
See, I was pleasuring myself.
488
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:39,884
I don't need to--
489
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:41,552
I like to start off
slow, okay.
490
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,222
And then I like to work
the tempo up and up and up.
491
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:46,190
And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb...
Seriously, I-- This is--
492
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,892
... and then sort of
brush it lightly
493
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:50,128
against the nipples.
Why are we going over this?
494
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:51,662
And then, there's a--
There's a--
495
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,031
You know, in the (bleep),
or whatever you call it,
496
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:55,666
there's a sort of
a (bleep) there.
497
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,469
I like to apply pressure
to that slowly.
498
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:01,205
And then right when
I'm (bleep), I (bleep),
499
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,142
then I (bleep) into
the (bleep), hard, hard, hard.
500
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:06,444
And then I (bleep),
and it just--
501
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,546
You know,
it-- it-- it--
502
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,815
It's a very powerful
feeling.
503
00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,885
Whoa, cool shirt.
504
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,557
(sighs heavily)
505
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:25,263
I know Sour Patch Kids
are good.
506
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,064
Oh, Lincoln, I don't
have herpes,
507
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:29,000
and neither do you--
that's all.
508
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,068
Ilana, there is a child
right here.
509
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:32,904
Please.
We're in New York.
510
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:34,105
And you're, like,
12, right?
511
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,374
I'm seven, and you're
being inappropriate.
512
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:38,075
Bitch, you're 22.
513
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,679
Okay, listen,
your dentist and I, um,
514
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:44,882
have been having...
sexual intercourse
515
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:46,484
on the regular
for about five months--
516
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:48,920
Ilana, it's been
a year and a half!
517
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,888
For real?
18 months.
518
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,524
God.
519
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,493
Don't do drugs.
520
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,562
That's--
That's the takeaway.
521
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,197
Don't do drugs.
522
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:01,766
It's like I have
no memories, man.
523
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,267
I can't remember
a thing!
524
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,903
I wake up, I'm like aah!
It's scary.
525
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,172
I just, like, don't know
where I am a lot of the time.
526
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:10,541
I can't find that remote.
I-- I--
527
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:11,809
I'm missing hundreds
of pairs of underwear.
528
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:12,877
Literally hundreds.
529
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,312
You never found
the right remote?
530
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,180
No.
531
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,783
But wherever it is,
I hope it's happy.
532
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,986
(heavy door slams)
533
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,989
('50s doo-wop song playing)
534
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:31,128
♪
535
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:42,073
♪ And you were the one
536
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:45,109
♪ Oh oh oh
537
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:50,581
♪ I tremble inside...
538
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:56,687
♪
539
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:21,412
I understand.
44179
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