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1
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:06,405
(ilana)
ab, $12.99 is such
a splurge for wine.
2
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,039
You're spoiling me.
3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,574
(abbi)
don't, it's your birthday, dude.
4
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,176
You deserve
a bottle, not a box.
5
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,144
I made a reservation
and everything
6
00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:15,314
And I cannot wait for you
to open up this b-day gift.
7
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,282
Oh, I'm dying.
It's so good.
8
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,217
I don't know.
9
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,820
23 is such a nothing birthday,
though, you know, like...
10
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:22,721
No.
11
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,756
22, you graduate
college.
12
00:00:23,758 --> 00:00:26,158
21, you're suddenly
allowed to be an alcoholic.
13
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,427
20, you lose your virginity.
Right.
14
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,462
19's your last
teen year.
15
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,530
18, you get to vote.
16
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,498
17, you get
to drive.
17
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,267
16's your sweet 16,
15's your quinceañera.
18
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:35,801
See?
I guess.
19
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,604
23 was pretty great for me,
I mean, it's the year I met you.
20
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,505
Really?
21
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,773
(both screaming)
22
00:00:40,775 --> 00:00:41,874
Oh, my god.
23
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,308
Oh, my...
24
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:44,877
Tree man.
Oh, my damn god.
25
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,311
Every time he gets me,
every time.
26
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,246
He needs a little bell.
27
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:50,382
Or like, a personal triangle
he's playing all the time.
28
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,751
He could cause
a heart attack.
29
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,919
For real, though,
this wine,
30
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,988
This like, pricey,
high-class wine
31
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:58,323
Is setting up
your entire year.
32
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,325
If we weren't going to
this byob, I mean,
33
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:01,794
This would be
like, 30 bucks.
34
00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:03,829
I know,
I love a "byob".
35
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,130
I love a "byof"--
bring your own food,
36
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,132
Or a "byos"-- bring your
own silverware.
37
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,634
I'd wash the dishes
if they'd let me.
38
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,236
This is the exact
opposite reason why
39
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,171
Restaurants exist
at all.
40
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,572
I mean, why not
just eat at home?
41
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,807
I don't have a table.
42
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:16,775
(man)
you girls are so pretty.
43
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,111
You should smile.
44
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,617
♪ four and three
and two and one-one ♪♪
45
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,166
(ilana)
so, I've been spending all
morning writing out my will.
46
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,769
My dad said it's never
too early, and I agree.
47
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,438
Ilana, you're
only 23, dude.
48
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,372
Okay, you know what?
49
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,908
My people plan
for death, abbi.
50
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,276
I'm jewish too.
51
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,178
Okay, but you're
a mainline jew.
52
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:55,280
New york jews
wake up every day
53
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,916
Just thinking about
how they're going to die.
54
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:01,353
(scoffs)
I think about death.
55
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,423
(man)
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
56
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:05,591
Whoa, sex is right.
57
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,492
Oh, my goodness.
58
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,494
You wrote your
will on a napkin?
59
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,496
I made copies,
obviously.
60
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,498
Come on.
61
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,900
I know, how have I
never had edamame?
62
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,268
I know!
How has it ever--
63
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,903
It's always
on the table.
64
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,539
Hold up-- you gave me
power of attorney?
65
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:24,343
I need you to be able to fight
against my killer or whatever,
66
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:25,844
And then option
the rights.
67
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,713
I also am looking into
a few mutual funds
68
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,781
And I'm having some, um...
(clearing throat)
69
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:32,050
Valuables appraised.
70
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,621
Are you (bleep) talking
about the beanie babies?
71
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:36,221
Don't!
72
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:38,423
Stop, I can't even
talk about this.
73
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,526
They're--
with the flamingo one?
74
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:41,160
Dude, I can't even--
75
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,161
There is still
some value there,
76
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,496
Especially in the ones that
like, commemorate events, okay?
77
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,732
It's cyclical,
the market is cyclical.
78
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,501
Maybe you--
you don't know about the market.
79
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,302
But it's cyclical.
80
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,771
You're getting into like,
the ebay beanie baby game?
81
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,840
Yeah, baby, it's a whole
other math game.
82
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,775
I've got a math head.
All right, listen.
83
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,610
Math mind.
84
00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,645
I'm all for wills.
85
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:00,546
I think it's a good idea
86
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:01,647
Even though I think
you're very young.
87
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,382
But people get crazy about
material possessions
88
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:07,786
And it's like, who even owns
anything these days anyway?
89
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:08,820
Can you please
spare a dollar?
90
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,390
Yeah.
I just wanna
to get some food.
91
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,558
Good luck.
Thank you.
92
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:13,258
Yeah.
93
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:14,493
Appreciate it.
Bless.
94
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,295
I hope it helps.
95
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,530
Oh, my god, we are...
96
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,332
Can I get a buck?
97
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,266
Oh, sorry.
98
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:23,368
But you just
gave her a buck.
99
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,205
We can't give everyone
on the block a dollar.
100
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,506
Well, actually,
you could.
101
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,407
You just
don't want to.
102
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,709
Actually, we couldn't, because
we're going to the meat sack
103
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,277
And it's a
cash-only restaurant.
104
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,446
Wow, that must be nice.
105
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,548
Okay, we could bring you
our leftovers, after.
106
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,150
I was gonna
have them for lunch...
107
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:41,453
Oh, really?
'cause that would be
so generous of you.
108
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,588
Oh, it's no problem.
109
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:43,188
I'm glad we--
110
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:44,856
Okay, he's being sarcastic.
111
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,391
Oh.
112
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:48,293
Michelle, party of two.
113
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:50,529
Michelle,
party of two.
114
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,465
Three, two, one.
115
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,400
Okay, you lose.
116
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,468
I have a reservation.
117
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,803
It's under, uh...
118
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,504
(woman)
you're my next two-top.
119
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,473
Great.
A'ight?
120
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,108
Hope you're hungry.
121
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,710
Get the stomach
stretched.
122
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:05,444
I cannot wait.
123
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,512
I love me
some dumplings.
124
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:10,148
It's like a squirrel clutch
with a meatball in it.
125
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,751
(woman)
little wayne, party of two.
126
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,219
(muffled screaming)
127
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,188
Oh, my god,
weezy's here.
128
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:17,289
He is so real.
129
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,558
No, that's us.
130
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,594
We...
Are little wayne.
131
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,132
Oh, you are sweeping me
off my feet.
132
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:32,204
Oh, yum.
Oh, my god.
133
00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,277
You can get as many
dumplings as you want, okay?
134
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,779
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
135
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,748
Oh, my god!
Wow!
136
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,415
Yo, girlfriends.
137
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,784
Hey...
Long time, no freakin' see.
138
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,419
Look at you two!
139
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,787
Couple of
madonnas, huh?
140
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,156
Oh, gosh,
so fashion, baby.
141
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:51,890
(woman)
I love that!
142
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,959
How are you guys?
Yeah.
143
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,794
(woman)
when was the last time
we saw you?
144
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,596
I think it was at
our show...
145
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,531
Yeah.
...With elliott.
146
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,167
It was our show choir show.
Yeah.
147
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:03,268
(vocalizing)
148
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,603
(vocalizing)
149
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,437
It was a long time ago.
150
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,772
Can I ask you,
do you live in new york
151
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,207
Or did you move,
because you never respond
152
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:13,111
To any of my facebook,
uh, invites.
153
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,346
I get so confused
on facebook.
154
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,280
Me too!
Like, how it works.
155
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:18,050
What are all the numbers
and the things?
156
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,384
I know!
I don't know what they go with.
157
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:22,421
It's kind of change--
it changes fast, the interface.
158
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,256
I'm afraid to click it.
Yes.
159
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,158
You know, I'm actually,
I'm really kind of sad
160
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,361
That you guys missed
my last solo performance.
161
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,495
Yeah.
162
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,698
We're so sorry
that that happened.
163
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,399
We don't even know
you guys that well.
164
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,835
Honestly, chris, I feel like you
should give them some of it.
165
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:37,869
You should show
them a little bit.
166
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:40,205
Give them a little
piece, a taste.
167
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,140
Oh, you don't
have to do that.
168
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,742
You don't have to.
We're at dinner.
169
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,278
I was born the day
the challenger exploded.
170
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,512
(woman)
honey, no.
171
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,246
No, no, no.
172
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,248
Do the ending,
do the climax.
173
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,550
Do "dear uncle".
174
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,652
Um, please suspend
your sense of disbelief, uh,
175
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:57,255
As the lighting here is not
good and it's not a theater,
176
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,157
But all the world
is a stage.
177
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,425
Here we go.
178
00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,695
No, uncle,
please, don't!
179
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,765
Okay, so he is on stage,
he's fully naked,
180
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,567
And he's maximum erect.
181
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:11,336
Uncle, please,
don't do it, uncle!
182
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:15,140
Okay, he's standing on a
shredded american flag,
183
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,341
Little pieces.
184
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,744
Uncle, uncle sam!
185
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,213
He ejaculates!
(moaning)
186
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,048
Into the flag.
187
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,182
Yes.
188
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,817
That's the twist.
189
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:26,785
It's a bit of a statement.
Yeah.
190
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,821
It's like, about currency
and politics and government
191
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:30,856
And all that.
192
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,224
Um, we can push
your tables together
193
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,692
And then maybe you can talk
a little bit quieter.
194
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:34,893
(whispering)
no, please don't.
195
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,395
(woman)
excuse me, sir.
196
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,596
That's a great idea!
197
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,196
Yes!
Yes!
198
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,431
Here we go.
Here we go.
199
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,633
Beep, beep, beep.
200
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,568
Honk-honk, honk-honk.
201
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,204
Beep, beep, beep.
202
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,572
Hi!
203
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,274
This is a good group.
204
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:53,278
Oh, my...
Holy (bleep).
205
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,246
What the heck?
206
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:54,913
What the (bleep)?
207
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,915
I'm such a klutz,
we have to go.
208
00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,552
Now we gotta go,
is what... It is.
209
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,154
We gotta...
We have to go.
210
00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:04,523
Gotta go, we gotta go.
Oh, my god.
211
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,524
I can't be out.
212
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,558
I can't be out
like this.
213
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,693
We have to go, that's...
Sorry, everybody.
214
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,095
I should go home
right now.
215
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,663
This is never
gonna come out!
216
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,131
Let's go.
Let's do it.
217
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:13,732
Here we go.
218
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:18,236
Wait, you can't leave
with an open container.
219
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,172
Okay.
Okay.
220
00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:20,872
We will not do that.
221
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:24,176
You guys know wine
is heart healthy, so...
222
00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,278
Mm-hmm, and...
Here we go.
223
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,146
Just do that.
224
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,322
Mmm!
225
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,891
(coughing)
226
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,195
Oh...
Oh, my god.
227
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,163
You have a good--
228
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,632
California,
I can tell.
229
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,434
You have a good
rest of your night.
230
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,202
Sayonara.
231
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:52,771
Bye, you guys.
See you guys.
232
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,674
I'm sorry,
but they are too much.
233
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,209
Yeah.
234
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,880
Scott wolf,
party of five.
235
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:02,781
Scott wolf?
236
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,249
(man)
oh, hey, hey!
237
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,484
Where are
the leftovers?
238
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:08,286
It was... Honestly
too annoying.
239
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,387
We didn't even order.
240
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:10,722
Wow, too annoying?
241
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:11,823
Must be nice.
242
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,627
Must... Be... Nice.
243
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:22,467
Must be nice!
244
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,468
Jeez.
245
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:24,569
I feel bad.
246
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,439
You know, runaway teens
have it so tough.
247
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:31,376
He probably came out to his
family, they kicked him out,
248
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,144
So he hopped a boxcar
from oklahoma
249
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:36,848
And now he's turning
tricks on st. Mark's.
250
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,719
You know, child sex
trafficking is all around us.
251
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,687
(gasping)
wigs!
252
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,190
Ab, I gotta go get a wig,
it's my birthday!
253
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:45,924
All right, you go ahead.
254
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,659
I'm going to this thai place and
see if there's a wait.
255
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,293
Dope.
256
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:51,196
Everyone's like, "where's
christina, where's christina?"
257
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,765
I can't keep saying you're in
the keys at your parents.
258
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,834
What do you
want me to say?
259
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,369
"oh, my girlfriend moved out
seven weeks ago
260
00:08:57,371 --> 00:09:02,741
"and I'm falling apart and
my dick doesn't work
anymore, so..."
261
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:03,441
Dude.
262
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,610
Christina moved out?
263
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,748
Oh.
264
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:12,150
What happened
with the wigs?
265
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,185
I got distracted by this
business guido.
266
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,186
Oh...
267
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,521
All right.
268
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:17,289
I put our name in.
269
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,857
45 minutes, we're in.
Whoo!
270
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,760
(man)
yeah!
Ugh.
271
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:24,596
I feel like every city
has a parrot dude.
272
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,898
You ever see the guy
with the cat on his head?
273
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,567
Yeah, wonder if it
ever touches the ground.
274
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:31,636
If it does,
that would be disgusting.
275
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,672
Imagine if
those two guys met.
276
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,907
I think the parrot
would win.
277
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,109
God, I have
such a wig face.
278
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,210
It's not even funny.
279
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,246
This is the kind of wig
you get buried in.
280
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,480
Why would you want
to get buried in a wig?
281
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,582
It's the last time people
get to see you.
282
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:47,319
Yeah, exactly, I want to look
dope as (bleep) at my funeral.
283
00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:49,554
It's my last party,
you know?
284
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,589
I even made
a playlist already.
285
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:55,193
It's pretty much rupaul's
"supermodel" on repeat
286
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,362
And I need
leather tissues.
287
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,531
I also want everyone
I've ever hooked up with
288
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,933
To just jerk off
together.
289
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,702
That might bring
me back to life.
290
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,369
Seriously.
291
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,171
Yo, you should
be careful.
292
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,173
I just want like,
a really nice funeral.
293
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,841
You know, like,
like, on a hill.
294
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,611
You know, like everyone
would be really sad,
295
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,479
Like hill funerals
usually are?
296
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,313
Yeah.
297
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,047
Everyone would
be crying,
298
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:19,651
Maybe even hysterically,
but then, then,
299
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,754
Everyone has to go
to six flags, my treat.
300
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:23,355
That is genius!
301
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,590
You can't be upset
at six flags, you can't.
302
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,057
No, no.
303
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,325
You can even
"weekend at bernie's" me,
304
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,260
But ilana, no log flume,
for real.
305
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,496
How am I going to bernie you
if I'm already dead?
306
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:34,265
No, I'm obviously
dying first.
307
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,268
No, the husband
always dies first.
308
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,370
First of all,
we're not married.
309
00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:40,338
Second of all,
I'm the wife?
310
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,806
You're the other husband.
311
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,142
All right,
agree to disagree.
312
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,745
A to d.
313
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,713
Oh, my god.
314
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,849
I am definitely
getting this.
315
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,485
I am a female and I love
to inspect bodies.
316
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,487
Yeah, I think that's
what that stands for.
317
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:55,887
Me too.
318
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:59,290
I'm getting this because I look
like I've been stabbed.
319
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,160
I look like
I'm mid-death.
320
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,395
Challah back, y'all.
321
00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:04,129
Challah back,
y'all.
322
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,232
All right, I'll take this
and we'll take these.
323
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,901
Wigs are 10,
shirts are a buck each.
324
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,137
Here you go.
325
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,172
Oh, I love st. Mark's.
326
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,344
(boy)
I'm alone!
327
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,312
Oh, so sad.
Been there.
328
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,348
All right, so we can eat as many
dumplings as you want...
329
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,849
Thank you.
...Whatever kind.
330
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,518
Dude.
331
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,521
Yo, yo, yo, that girl
just did a tongue thing.
332
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,422
(man)
a tongue thing?
333
00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,557
Yeah!
Hey, what'd you do?
334
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,525
I don't know.
335
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,527
Yeah, it was like...
336
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:36,227
No, it wasn't.
337
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,196
I just, I was
just like, cute...
338
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,666
You know, I'm not trying to
start a whole conversation.
339
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:49,140
You are seriously beautiful,
like, really, really beautiful.
340
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,409
No, you are.
341
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,410
(man)
whoa!
342
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,311
Holy (bleep)!
343
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:56,581
Hey!
Ilana, your gift!
344
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:57,315
(bleep)
345
00:11:57,317 --> 00:12:00,118
Stop him,
he took our bag!
346
00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:02,654
Drop the bag,
you (bleep).
347
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,489
When I catch you, I swear
I'm going to rip out
348
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:07,459
Your disgusting little
ball sack until you (bleep)
349
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:09,227
Throw up
your own dick!
350
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:09,728
Damn it!
351
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,830
Stop, we're the fbi,
bitch!
352
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,565
(man)
hey, watch it!
353
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,366
Stop that guy!
354
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,401
Watch out, watch out!
355
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,203
(man)
hey, come on.
356
00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:21,840
Hey!
357
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,808
(horn honking)
358
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,414
My wig!
359
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,616
Leave it, leave it!
360
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:33,785
Market, market-- go!
361
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,296
Split up!
362
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,631
Oh!
363
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,366
Ass(bleep).
364
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:52,303
Go around, go around!
Oh, (bleep).
365
00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,477
Where is he?
Oh, my god.
366
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,713
He just (bleep)
ran down here, I...
367
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,615
Go, there, there!
368
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:40,919
Drop it, you (bleep) face,
I swear I'll rip--
369
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,788
Come on, (bleep)hole!
Ball sack!
370
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,327
Jesus.
371
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,129
(bleep).
372
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,898
All right, okay.
373
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:54,465
Yep.
374
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,767
Hopefully no one
will take that.
375
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:59,304
Okay.
Oh, I have a lot in here.
376
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,705
Okay?
377
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,140
Okay.
378
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:05,910
(abbi)
dude, he's going into a house!
379
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,846
Come on!
All right.
380
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,380
Okay, he's getting away.
381
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,249
Okay, here we go,
I need just one--
382
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,952
All right, you got it,
and then I just straddled.
383
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,187
This is uncomfortable.
I know.
384
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,456
I don't feel
like I wanna...
385
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,424
You know what?
386
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,459
I'm gonna go back down
through the kitchen,
387
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:22,894
And I'm gonna be
so fast,
388
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,329
And it's
gonna be so good,
389
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,798
And we're gonna
get the gift!
390
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,938
(doorbell chiming)
391
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:37,742
Can I help you?
392
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:38,610
A guy just ran in here.
393
00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:41,479
We were chasing him
'cause he stole my gift.
394
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:42,714
He stole my bag.
Call the police.
395
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:43,848
He stole it right
out of my hand.
396
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,450
He's in here,
he's in your house.
397
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,652
Please, come in.
398
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,121
Okay, uh...
399
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:52,891
Timothy.
400
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,894
Can you please
come down here?
401
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,262
Timothy.
402
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,097
That boy lives here?
403
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,599
Boy?
He's 34 years old.
404
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,002
I had him when
I was very young.
405
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,470
Timothy.
406
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,639
Timothy!
407
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:08,773
Jesus christ.
408
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,641
What, mother?
409
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:10,875
Can you explain yourself?
410
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:14,178
Did you just steal something
from these girls?
411
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,880
Yeah, it was
a (bleep) joke.
412
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:16,814
Chill out.
413
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,149
You chill out!
414
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,217
Chill out!
415
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:21,686
And get
their stuff now.
416
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,787
Ugh!
417
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,622
Now!
418
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:25,890
I'm sorry.
419
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:29,160
Please,
don't press charges.
420
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,495
No, it's gonna...
It's all right.
421
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:35,733
Ever since he dropped out of
grad school, he's, uh,
422
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,702
He's given me
a lot of grief.
423
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:41,072
I don't know what to do-- throw
him out, put him on the street.
424
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,675
He'd love that.
425
00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:44,842
I'm so rude.
426
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:47,245
Uh, would you...
427
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,613
Oh.
428
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,848
Would you, uh,
like a drink?
429
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,418
No, no, no.
It's fine.
430
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,890
It's a soft gift,
so it's okay.
431
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,091
Timothy!
432
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,259
What is wrong
with you?
433
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,661
I don't know, mom.
Why don't you tell me?
434
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:04,595
You're the psychiatrist.
435
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,097
Or do I need to make
an appointment?
436
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:06,898
Maybe you should.
437
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:13,671
But you can't afford me
because you don't work.
438
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,640
You love this,
don't you?
439
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,942
You think I like this?
440
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:18,876
My only son.
441
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:22,013
Having to lie
to my friends about
442
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,748
What my son does
with his life?
443
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,584
He's a loser,
loser, loser,
444
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:31,923
Loser, loser, loser,
loser, loser life.
445
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:32,457
Loser.
446
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,758
Right, 'cause you
have to lie about me
447
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,627
But not about anything in your
perfect little life.
448
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,863
Not about the wine,
the painkillers,
449
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:39,330
My father.
450
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,133
Do I look like the son
of a quarterback?
451
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,701
I will...
452
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,138
I never asked
to be born!
453
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,146
Let me
tell you something.
454
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:59,017
I'm a very good mother,
it's just sometimes...
455
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,953
You get a dud!
456
00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:05,123
A (bleep) dud!
457
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:08,426
(abbi)
I'm just going to grab...
458
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:12,663
I'm sorry your son
sucks so hard.
459
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:18,503
Thank you, thank you.
460
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,638
Thank you.
461
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,440
Thank you.
462
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,911
We're good, we're good,
thanks so much.
463
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,779
Thank you so much.
464
00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:29,247
Have a great night.
Appreciate it.
465
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,250
You look beautiful,
and come back and see me.
466
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:35,086
Will you come back and see me?
Yes.
467
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,854
Okay.
468
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,726
Whoo.
469
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,260
Jesus.
470
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,195
I wonder if
they own or rent.
471
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,564
Dude, I need to do
more cardio.
472
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,166
I'm like, sore already.
473
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:49,500
Jeez, you know...
474
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,602
Oh, my god!
475
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,771
Tree man.
My wig!
476
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:54,972
Oh, my god.
477
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,607
Thank you,
tree man.
478
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,142
Thank you so much.
479
00:17:58,144 --> 00:17:58,976
This is nice.
480
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:01,512
You're like the giving tree
in real life.
481
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:02,847
(horn honking)
482
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,449
All right!
Okay.
483
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,249
Hey, hey.
484
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,119
You (bleep)
piece of (bleep).
485
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,787
I will (bleep) car.
486
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,922
I will (bleep).
487
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,591
I'm a tree,
(bleep) damn it.
488
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,860
I was here first, car.
489
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,095
I was here first!
490
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:20,198
Thanks for the wig.
Thanks so much.
491
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,467
Have a good night.
492
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,241
This is the best
gift ever.
493
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,077
This is the most powerful
and beautiful blanket
494
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,646
Since the aids quilt.
495
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:36,581
Good.
496
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:39,117
I love pizza, dude.
497
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:39,550
Me too.
498
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:43,020
It's a squirrel
sleeping bag, unzipped.
499
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:43,921
Yes, it is.
500
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:44,856
All right, listen.
501
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:47,091
So, my family has
a tradition on birthdays
502
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:50,995
Where we ask the b-day-ee
a couple questions.
503
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,096
Are you ready?
504
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,965
Ilana, 23-year-old.
505
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:57,301
What have you done this past
year that you're proud of?
506
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:01,072
And what are you gonna do
this upcoming year?
507
00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:01,873
Go.
508
00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:02,807
Okay, well...
509
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,777
I am proud of the time I saw
something and said something.
510
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,212
Yeah.
511
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:12,016
I'm proud that I
finally felt a prostate.
512
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,251
It's tricky.
513
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,987
Um... I'm proud that
I used a lemon
514
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,789
Successfully
as antiperspirant.
515
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:19,323
(sniffing)
516
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,925
Whoo, yes I did,
yes I did.
517
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:21,692
Mm-hmm, yeah.
518
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:26,164
And next year,
I want to finish a book--
519
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,031
Reading, not writing.
Mm-hmm.
520
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:32,103
I want to gradually lower my
dosage of antidepressants.
521
00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:34,572
And I want to
join ancestry.Com.
522
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,540
Oh, I'm in.
523
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,741
Dude.
Let's do it.
524
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,575
Okay,
how about you?
525
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,776
Well, it's not
my birthday.
526
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,278
Come on, it's--
I wanna hear it.
527
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,145
Okay.
So, this past year,
528
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:44,782
I'm proud that I finally
finished "damages," so good.
529
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,018
I really think you need
to reconsider tv.
530
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,620
Nah.
Um, what else?
531
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,922
I pegged.
532
00:19:50,924 --> 00:19:52,023
Like--
ow!
533
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:54,325
Really outside of
my comfort level.
534
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,826
You know.
Okay.
535
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,762
I finally masturbated
above the covers
536
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,664
Without my eyes
being closed.
537
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:02,233
That was a really
big journal entry.
538
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,135
Um... When I figured out
my eyebrows.
539
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,337
They're sisters,
they're not twins.
540
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,805
Right.
Need to be treated as such.
541
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,608
Overwhelming pride.
542
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:15,012
Okay, um,
what about next year?
543
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,147
All right.
544
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:17,848
I'm going to do
one legit pull-up,
545
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:18,983
For real this time.
546
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,618
And I really want to
keep a plant alive
547
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,220
For more than
two weeks.
548
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,222
You know,
I'm going to do that.
549
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,289
Ooh, I forgot one.
550
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:27,258
I want to see
a mangina from behind.
551
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,093
I haven't in years.
552
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,027
What?
553
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:32,763
A mangina is when a guy pulls
his dick through his legs,
554
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,531
It looks
like a vagina.
555
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,032
I know, I know
what a mangina is.
556
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,167
What do you mean
from behind?
557
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,034
Oh.
Oh, I don't know.
558
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:40,004
It's just, dick head and balls
squishing back there.
559
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,006
It's so cute!
560
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,040
Okay, I have another one.
561
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,942
I want to get one of those
really painful massages
562
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,245
Where there's like, an old
russian woman who like,
563
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:51,282
Slaps huge leaves at you while
you're like, completely naked.
564
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:55,886
I just feel like I need
to feel more of life's pain.
565
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,054
I hate pain.
566
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,223
I love pleasure.
567
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,865
I know, how have I
never had edamame?
I know.
568
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,268
And you probably
never had edamame.
I have never, I had sushi,
569
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,336
But I thought
it was decoration.
570
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,604
Ahh!
571
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:16,774
(laughing)
572
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,211
Oh, god!
38554
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