Original subtitles

♪♪

(crowd cheering)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd cheering)

(growling)

(crowd cheering)

(man) excuse me.

Excuse me!

Hey... Excuse me.

Excuse me!

You guys sound so good.

I'm a record producer, and I've been looking for two drummers

For a project that I'm starting.

Oh my god.

This is it. Are you serious?

No, I'm not serious.

I work here, and I need you guys to leave.

Time to go.

Four! Four!

♪ and three and two and one-one ♪

♪♪

(ilana) I love "scarface," dude.

(abbi) we just watched that.

Cocaine and incest, baby.

Can't get enough.

Wait, what about "food, inc."?

That's supposed to be like really life-changing

And eye-opening and like a really important film to see

About where our food comes from and stuff.

And then the whole corn issue.

Sometimes it's the less you know, though... You know?

No.

Dude, I wonder what kind of food

They're going to have at the dog wedding today.

Let's watch the e-vite again.

Yeah!

(chuckling)

(barking happily)

(chuckling)

I love it!

It really is a masterpiece.

Oh my god.

Why is that shot in there?

It's animated, it didn't need to be in there at all.

(laughing)

Not to be like a downer

But did you know that people steal people's dogs

And then sell them?

There's a "judge judy" episode about that where this guy is

Like reunited with his dog, who was taken.

Yes, baby boy! Yes!

Wait, is "judge judy" still on right now?

We should watch that.

Holy (bleep), dude.

"judge judy" ran for 18 seasons.

Jesus christ!

Judge judy's net worth is...

(bleep)

... Dollars.

Wait, keep that face.

I gotta take a pic and capture your deep,

Deep judy discovery.

(cell phone clicking)

Oh, so good.

I'm gonna 'gram it.

No filter. All right, fine.

Whoa...

♪♪

(fax machine screeching)

(computer alert chiming)

What up, my queen?

Ahh! Ahh!

Jesus, I forgot you were in the (bleep) room!

Holy (bleep), dude, how did we forget

That we were here together?

What is wrong with us?

I feel like I blacked out.

We were so tapped into the worldwide bloodstream,

We fell into the lint roll matrix.

What time is it?

Oh god. (hissing)

All right, we need to go outside for real

And live like normal people.

Let's just get dressed and go to the wedding.

Dude, can you imagine if we left our phones here?

We would be totally off the grid.

It would be like breathing air for the first time.

Right?

It's like all we do is wake up, sign in and...

(imitating electric shock)

We are plugged into the matrix all day.

Gmail, grindr, facebook, facetime, insta, grindr,

Tumblr, twitter, dlisted.

Jesus christ!

And then we have to rip the plug out to go to sleep,

Rub one out, rinse and repeat.

We have these auto-responses programmed--

(cell phone vibrating)

Hello?

(lincoln) hey, what up, ilana?

Hey, boy, what up?

Do you know if your brother's wearing a tie

To the wedding today?

Dude, I'm not my brother's keeper.

I'm just trying to gauge the dress code.

I don't want to be overdressed,

But I really don't want to be underdressed.

You think a dog tie is too on the nose?

No, it's perfect.

You look great in themed clothing.

Thank you.

And... I'm not patronizing you,

But did you remember the rings?

Well, not to "patronize" you,

But of course I have the rings.

They're on abbi's toes.

See you there.

Top dog. Later.

Welcome to another installment of

"how to" with dr. Whiz.

Today I'm gonna show you how to tie

A windsor knot.

Let's begin.

Take the little guy

And place him in front of your neck.

Clap if you understand.

Ab-dude, we should roll to the wedding.

We'll take in more nature faster.

Yes. These are jaime's.

We got these after hurricane wanda

For future emergencies.

They'll obviously be huge, but...

Yeah, I mean, we can maybe stuff some newspaper in

Around my negative space in my foot or something,

Or sponges, if we have.

You know, you could wear a bunch of socks

Or cotton balls.

They-- they fit me.

They're a little snug, actually.

Really? Yeah.

Uh, I knew that-- I knew that they would.

I was just being optimistic.

No, that's cool, dude.

That's cool.

Yeah.

(whispering) that's cool.

♪♪

♪ that's the way ♪

♪ way you do ♪

♪ that's the way ♪

♪ way you do ♪

♪ we do that's the way we do ♪

♪ we don't take it ♪

♪ that's the way we do ♪

♪ that's the way ♪

♪ way you do ♪

♪ that's the way ♪

♪ way you do ♪♪

Man, this is great.

I love breezes.

Nature is seriously amazing.

So where's this dog wedding?

Oh my god.

I don't know.

We gotta go back and get our phones.

No, you're not going back to that life right now.

Come on, we can do this.

Yeah, you know what?

If our foremothers can find countries without phones,

We can find a dang dog wedding.

Exactly.

We are addicted to the matrix, dude.

Admitting it is the first step in the road to recovery.

I mean, all I'm thinking about right now is my (bleep) phone.

I miss the blue light.

Ooh, I wanna marry the blue light.

But you know what? We need to be present.

We can go a couple hours without our phones.

What are we, teenagers?

(gasping) boys!

Yum.

Oh my god, look at their... Bodies.

If I had my phone right now,

I would tinder the (bleep) out of like

All those beefcakes.

You don't need tinder for these dudes.

You've got tinder right here, irl.

Wanna "fook"?!

(laughing)

What? Ilana!

Oh, it's not big, it's like wanna "fook"?

(laughing)

I am not down for that.

Oh my god, somebody's gonna love...

Wanna "fook"?

You are insane.

We're in a park right now.

Ab, try it.

Live in the moment.

You just said that to me.

Our foremothers didn't pin dudes on (bleep) tinder.

They'd spray their pheromones all over

And yell, "wanna 'fook'?"

Come on.

All right.

Wanna "foooook"?

Yes, dude, it worked.

I got it! Cute.

Oh... Jesus.

I'm good!

(abbi) man, my first impression is always better on tinder.

I suck without the internet, dude.

It's like I'm too real for it, you know?

Being off the matrix is gonna make us

Plug in more consciously.

Like that day we went off sugar.

How much sweeter were sour straws after that?

So much sweeter.

God, you're right.

One day off the matrix is gonna make us

So much stronger.

(ilana) dude, I think we're going too fast.

We're gonna have to bail.

What do you mean, bail? Bail!

Bail! What do you mean, bail?

Oh (bleep), I can't stop!

Ilana! Abbi!

(branches snapping)

(thudding)

Oh my god!

Are you okay?

My foot really hurts.

I think I sprained it. Oh my god, dude.

Jaime's blades were too big for your bony, dainty feet.

Yeah, that was it.

My feet were probably too small for them.

That's what-- that's what did it.

Ilana, this is really deep.

I don't think I can climb out.

And we don't even have our phones.

We can't even call for help!

What if I jump down in there,

And then we scream for help together?

No, you need to go get help.

Are you kidding?

God, I wish we had our phones so we could facetime

While I go get help.

Ilana, what?

Okay, we got this.

Nbd, sister.

I need you to smoke two joints for the pain, immediately.

We got nuts and figs for sustenance,

And lanyard for entertainment.

You mean gimp?

You wanna argue about what it's called right now?

You, in the hole?

No.

Okay, I'm gonna brb.

I'm going to find eliot and lincoln stat.

We're going to get you out of the hole.

I don't want these figs.

I don't like the little beads in 'em.

Why is there a hole here?

Jeez!

Okay, I'll be right back.

Be good.

Wait, ilana.

Yeah?

I do want the figs.

Good choice.

(crow squawking)

♪♪

Hey, d-d-d-do not touch that!

Those are the dog quiche!

I'm sorry I snapped, I'm very sorry.

Somebody switched the dog quiche

With the human quiche.

It's okay, man.

We'll just switch 'em back.

I just checked in with the bride.

Her heart is racing, but that's not unusual.

Chihuahuas' hearts always race.

They were bred as like a joke.

She may just have a case of cold paws.

(laughing)

Cold paws is a very serious disease

In the chihuahua community.

Poor toe circulation.

It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas.

Cold paws, cold feet, you get why I--

This wedding is a disaster.

I'm sweating my (bleep) nuts off.

I need you to block me from brandon

So that he doesn't see my enormous sweat glands.

Eliot, relax, man.

This is a beautiful setup you got here.

I've never been to a dog wedding before,

But I'd get married here in a second.

Hey, don't tell ilana I said that.

I'm just running my mouth. That's right.

Ilana.

She has the rings.

Where is my sister?

So now abbi's stuck and I need to get to the wedding.

Where's the wedding? Near the lake.

Well, the lake is huge. What part?

Oh my god, forget it!

Hey, you asked me!

(abbi) ow... Oh...

Okay.

Pain is in the brain.

Ow! Pain is in the brain.

Pain is in my stupid, stupid brain.

I'm down the shore with my family.

Yeah.

We're at the beach and it's fine.

No, (bleep) that.

(bleep) that!

I am at dinner with elijah wood.

And people are saying that we're so cute together.

And all we get is dessert.

No, (bleep) that.

I am at an extravagant flea market

With mark ruffalo.

Yes!

All we want is some wooden milk crates

To line our office/maybe nursery one day.

(whispering) but we don't say that to everybody.

No!

I am in turks and caicos right now...

(inhaling)

... With taye diggs.

There's no pain when you're getting your groove back.

Okay, I can do this.

I have nature skills.

♪♪

♪ watch your mouth ♪

♪ we've only opened up pandora's box ♪

♪ you'll pass my head ♪

♪ unsettling deeds ♪ eliot!

♪ forget about your math book ♪ eliot?

♪ destiny we slide this roller coaster ♪

♪ up we bond the ticket ♪

♪ we're walkin' the line ♪

♪ make your mind up ♪

♪ make your mind ♪

♪ you seem so right just give me reasons ♪

♪ you know I don't need to pretend you care ♪

♪ I've been lookin' for you ♪♪

Wait.

What am I doing?

Eliot!

Eliot!

El!

Whoa.

What is this?

(vibrator whirring)

(whispering) oh, jesus, turn it off.

(vibrating continues)

What the (bleep)?

(sighing)

Come on, what's happening?

Come on.

(chuckling) all right.

Okay.

(sighing)

(bird chirping)

(whistling)

(bird chirping) (chuckling)

(bird warbling)

Poppi, look.

Okay, one more. Ready?

And then boom.

Look, I don't want to freak out right now,

But that bitch, she won't keep her dress on.

It's a vera wag.

God, I'm sweating like a beast.

I hate myself. Whoa, whoa.

Everyone-- specifically you-- needs to relax.

This is a special moment for your... Son?

Grandson.

Your grandson is getting married today.

Get yourself together, man.

I'm trying, I just--

I don't want brandon to see me like this.

Sweaty.

Oh...

You like brandon.

Yeah. Okay, I got this.

Take a few deep breaths,

And then you dab your t-zone, lightly.

I think we should get started

Before poppi changes her mind again.

Okay, but, monica, we don't have the rings yet.

Ordinarily, I would not say this, but they're dogs.

Well, you just lost one star on dog yelp.

No.

Hey, can you get the dress back on the dog, please?

I'll talk to her.

Okay, poppi, what are you doing here?

How many times are we gonna do this?

I like eliot,

But if you're not into atticus,

I need you to tell me now 'cause

I can't afford more alimony.

(ilana) el?

Eliot?!

(gasping) yes!

Oh, dog wedding gazebo!

Yes! Maps rule!

Foremother's a bitch!

Sacagawea!

(abbi) come on.

(people speaking foreign language)

Hello?

Hello!

Oh my god, thank you so much.

What? No english.

Sorry.

Uh, auffen...

Are you gonna call?

Oh, you're taking a photo of me.

Yeah-- no, no.

No!

(speaking gibberish)

Sir...

I'm afraid we're never gonna get out of this place.

♪♪

(monica) I think we can all agree it's clear.

There's a lot of love here,

And it was communicated to me before this ceremony

How important trust is in this relationship.

Atticus and poppi's dads

Taught love from a very young age.

And now, without the rings,

Do you, poppi, take atticus

To be your lawfully wedded husband?

She does.

And do you, atticus,

Take poppi to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Wonderful.

If anyone here objects to this union, speak now or forever--

(ilana) wait!

Hold up!

Stop the wedding, stop the wedding!

She's always gotta make it about her.

(whimpering)

This was once abbi's shirt that I repurposed to make cooler.

Come on, boy, that's her scent.

She's a girl. Oh.

We'll treat her differently, then.

Oh god, this is the worst day to go off the grid.

Brazil nut, I gotta say your pitch is fantastic.

You have some star quality.

I can't speak for the other judges

But we'll see what they have to say, okay?

No, I completely disagree.

Are you kidding me?

She put her heart out there.

She put her soul out there.

You are completely overlooking

The level of commitment that performance took!

Abbi!

(all) abbi!

I'm pretty sure she's this way, but let's split up to be sure.

Okay, meet back, meet back.

Abbi!

(abbi) congratulations, spool stick.

You're going to hollywood, my friend!

(vocalizing)

Yeah, it's her!

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Abbi's wearing my backpack as a diaper.

Dude, I was gone for like 25 minutes.

Half-hour tops.

It felt like a lot longer.

Abbi, that foot is jacked-up.

You should put some ice on it.

I know.

I'm practically a doctor.

But you're not.

I am a doctor, and I have a lot of experience

With sprains and breaks.

(lincoln) no offense, but it's more like

You drain fluid from their butt sacks.

Uh, none taken, but I work with several species.

None of which are human.

Look, the truth about cats and dogs is--

So is the ambulance coming soon?

Yep, it's on its way.

(whispering) can I borrow your phone?

(whispering) yeah.

Oh, wow, there they are.

(brandon) oh, those are beautiful. You know what?

We'll get them when the swelling goes down.

Which I'm sure will be very soon.

48 hours. In about one to two weeks.

(sighing)

(monica) and now, without further ado,

By the power vested in me by the state of new york,

I now pronounce you dog husband and dog wife.

(all) aww.

Okay, kiss.

Yay! (cheers and applause)

(woman) mazel!

So I guess we're related now.

Can in-laws hook up?

Yeah, it's like soft incest.

Oh, that's so royal.

I think I've seen all I needed to see today.

Take her out of here, boys!

♪♪

(gasping)

Fig!

♪♪

(dogs barking rhythmically)