Original subtitles

(message tone)

What up, queen?

Ab?

Abbi?

(giggling)

Uh-oh.

Guess what I got.

Bam!

A mother(bleep) nose ring!

What?

A nose ring, dude?

I mean, that's very hot and 2004 of you, but...

When did this happen?

Last night.

How are you not excited?

I have an earring&

In my nose!

I just thought you were going to a boring

White people dinner.

I didn't realize you were gonna

Add a whole new element to your image.

No, me neither, but then we ended up on st. Mark's and&

Please, don't tell me.

I'm gonna have fomo for the rest of my life.

Fomo?

Fear of missing out, grandma.

Ugh, why did I "stay in"

And "organize my life?"

Wait, did you stay in and organize your life?

Yeah, I got a lot done, actually.

I reinforced all the boob buttons on my button-downs

And I wiped down every surface of my apartment.

Combined all the weed remnants

To make one giant super blunt.

That is insane.

I cannot wait to smoke that one day after work.

Work?

Jesus, fu--

I knew I was forgetting something.

Ugh, yeah, try not to pierce your pussy while I'm gone.

Ew, what?

Did you just leave?

Yow!

♪ four and three and two and one ♪

All right, maria, so it's your first day.

I wanna to show you the ropes.

There's a lot of stuff that we need to go over.

Uh, first off.

Trash.

When you empty the trash,

You just gotta really dig through.

Sometimes people throw towels in.

They don't get that there's, like,

Two different areas. (trey) abbi.

You're fired.

What? I'm kidding, bazinga.

Come on. Oh.

I don't know what that means.

(laughing)

You are so funny, seriously,

But we got a big ol' cleaning disaster.

Somebody barfed on an exercise ball

And then it bounced down two flights of stairs.

So if you could grab your dust brush or whatever

And get on it. Right.

It's actually not a dust brush job.

Well, that's gonna be a good one for you to jump in on.

You know, get your feet wet right away.

Oh my god, abbi, we have to dish.

I heard one of the cleaners got a nose ring.

What is it, 2004?

Uh.. Rea... Cool.

You didn't recognize me, did you? No.

I love it.

A lot. Yeah, I feel like a different girl.

(chuckles) I have a question.

Are you, um, going to go to trey's party tonight?

I don't think he really wants me there.

I feel like it was like, a pity invite.

Are you insane?

No. Abbi, you're one of trey's best friends.

All he does is talk about how funny you are.

Like, all the time.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not funny--

(laughing) oh my god, you are so weird.

I love it.

You have to come, seriously.

Abbi, it is going to be off the damn chain.

Absolutely.

I'll go demand it... Now.

Hello?

Hello?

(derek) you gotta convince yourself

That you are still worth something.

(door sliding open)

Hey, you guys.

What is this place?

It's the conference room.

We have meetings here every day.

Got it, got it, cool.

Well, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

You sort of are, we were all just b-storming different deals

We could go after in hell's kitchen.

Cool, cool, cool.

I do have a horrible emergency.

Okay, so my best friend abbi is going to a hot party tonight

And now I gotta leave right now.

("flight of the bumblebees" playing)

Okay, you can go,

But only because you closed

That keratin pube straightening deal.

Thanks, d., thanks for understanding.

Oh, nicole, I left a hardboiled egg in our cube.

You can have it&

If you can find it.

♪♪

(abbi) why does trey live next to port authority?

Um...

(groaning)

You know what, I think that this, um...

This is going to be the opportunity for me

To hang out with trey

And just like, finally spill the beans that, like,

I wanna be an instructor-slash-trainer.

Hell yeah, dude, carpe damn.

And it's not going to be weird

Because you'll be telling a friend and not a boss.

Exactly.

And tonight, I can already tell it's gonna be

So much more fun than a nose piercing.

Hey.

Hey.

Abbi, put those away.

I'm kidding, you're at a party, come on.

We should do something awesome for trey's birthday--

Are we extremely early?

Nope, you're the last to arrive.

Hey, guys, look who's here.

We have to go. Okay, we just got here.

I'm embarrassed to be here.

Ilana, you're being... Intolerant.

(gasps)

Trey.

I love your place.

You know what, also, we brought wine,

So I'm gonna go open it in the kitchen.

(trey) abbi, come on, join the party, jump in.

Psych!

So, abbi, help yourself to any of the snacks here.

We got clif bars for the guys, lunas for the girls.

Good choice.

(gasps) what a freak.

Yo, mama.

Hey.

We should definitely dish.

About&?

Anything, girl stuff, whatever.

Um, okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

You know what I was thinking is...

I would definitely rather turn into a little old man

Than a little old woman,

But I'm not going to be able to help it, you know?

Oh my god.

Yes!

Okay, you're weird and I literally love you.

This is a party, girl.

Do you ever straighten your hair, though?

Oh, I just tried that for work, actually.

Wait, do you mean my head hair?

No. Oh! (laughing)

All right, abbi, pick a hand.

Um, I don't know.

Right... Left?

Oh, looks like we're watching "the apprentice all-stars".

Oh yeah, omarossa.

Good thing you chose the left, guess what the right was.

(laughing)

(ilana) abbi.

Abbi!

Come on.

What, dude, what?

Last night you got flesh pierced

And tonight we're watching dvds?

I know, I'm sorry, like...

The night's ruined.

No, no, the moment we got to the party,

I texted "where party" to everybody in my phone.

Jaime's already pulled through.

Dude, I can't just leave, I made a commitment.

Jaime's having an actual party with our actual friends

Who are actually having fun.

We can't miss that.

What am I supposed to say to trey though?

You'll think of something.

Trey. Whassup!

What's up, hey, what are you guys doing?

Hey, uh, trey, so...

I think we have to leave

'cause like, my stomach's kind of bothering me.

You think my lunas are tainted?

No.

It's much worse.

Um...

I got off the phone with my doctor

And she told me that I have, um...

A tapeworm.

Abbi, that's really dangerous.

I'm pretty sure tapeworms suck nutrients out of your body.

That must be why you ate four and a half luna bars.

Yeah.

And I feel like it's moving, like, through my body.

I feel like it's moving and like, now it's in my

Bu-- uh...

It's in my butt...

... Now. Hmmm!

Nnnn...

So I should go to the hospital.

Hey, guys.

What? Guys, pause it.

Abbi had to go because she's got a tapeworm in her butt.

(laughing)

She is such a riot.

Gemma, no... No bazinga.

Hey. Hey.

So I just want to say

I've been social media stalking you

Since jaime told me you were his... Whatever

And I think you guys are diggity-diggity-dope, okay?

Not like in a, like,

"I can't wait to officiate your gay wedding" way,

'cause straight people always say that

And it's like, gross.

It just fetishizing their gay friends

And it's, like, not cool.

You know, maybe you guys won't get married.

Maybe you'll just (bleep) for a hot sec

And move on and that is hot too and cool.

So yeah, I just wanted to say that.

You're ilana, right?

How did you know?

Yeah!

We got it. That's so funny.

I'm gonna post it to the 'gram!

That's instagram, you guys. I know.

I'm gonna use valencia, is that okay you think?

Ay, baby, everybody uses the valencia.

What are you going to use?

The kelvin, I mean...

(laughing) using the kelv-- no, that's silly, for goodness!

For goodness.

We have a huge problem.

We have to leave right now.

Why?

The hottest person here is leaving.

This party's going to be dead in three to five minutes.

I'm having fun.

You think you are.

But this party is a seven.

We could be missing out on a 10.

Yeah, but we leave and we end up at a six?

I don't know, we (bleep) kill ourselves,

Who cares?

(grunts)

So if we did have to kill ourselves

How would we do it?

I'd shoot you in the face

And shoot myself in the heart.

(gasps) oh my god.

Forget siggy's, lincoln has a better party.

Wait, why would you shoot me in the face?

Also, you said that really fast, dude.

It's nice, you'd die instantly.

Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.

Okay, okay.

♪♪

Yes. Wow.

Hey. Hey.

You guys missed it, I just did the worm.

You can do the worm?

Yeah. You barely move.

What?

Whoa.

Lincoln, I don't know if that's--

No, let him have this.

And I do, I do pec jumps.

(gasps)

Do that again.

(laughing)

Is this a new shirt?

No, but&

Drink, food, drink.

Can you worm us there? Worm us there.

(music playing)

This charcuterie.

They got dog dick, ghost poop, grapes

And they got cornichons.

I love cornichons.

Don't I look like a giant?

(grunts) (laughing)

That is so weird.

I was just googling micropenises this morning

And they look exactly like that.

All lumpy and (bleep).

Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me.

You saw I was&

Enjoying this.

Okay, don't ruin micropenises for me.

Touche.

(music playing)

(laughing)

We have to go, this party's dead.

No, this party is a 10, dude.

What?

I thought so too, but it's only four or five.

Look.

(sniffling)

Gross.

The narnia of partias is still out there

And we're going to find it.

Did you just say "narnia of partias"?

Do you guys know that, that play "rent"?

Yeah. Like, I don't understand how they thought

That they just didn't need to pay rent, like, at all.

I know, it's like, it sucks,

But everybody has to pay rent.

Yeah. Rent?

And also, I could totally be on broadway.

I'd be like...

500, 25-- (phone vibrating)

Oh, my god.

You guys, hold on, trey is calling me.

I'm ways drunk, I can't pick up.

I'm going to decline.

Oh no. (trey) abbi?

Oh god.

Hello?

Abbi, I just saw an instagram of you at a party

With a drink on your head.

I... It was...

A throwback Thursday pic that I put up.

But it's Friday.

I'm just stupid.

And I'm in the hospital. (ilana) beep.

That's my life machine... Beep, beep.

Going. Beep.

Gotta do something.

Beep. I'm hooked up to--

There's tubes. Beep, boop.

My doctor's right here if you want to talk to him.

Good, hello?

Hello, hello, this is dr. Rotreiller, md.

Are you a specialist?

I'm more of a general jack-of-all-trades style doctor.

What's going on with the tapeworm?

Is it still in her... Butt?

It's still in her anus.

(exhales)

It is crowned and-and breeched.

What do you think her recovery time is going to be?

We don't know whether it'll be a few days or a few hours,

But it's gonna-- we're gonna get it out of there.

And it's gonna get gone.

Sorry, no offense, are you a nurse

Or are you a real doctor?

What--

I, uh... They're calling me.

I gotta go get the worm-- is-- taken out.

Call me when you're done, I guess.

Bye. Abbi, all right, bye.

My bad, I'm sorry.

That guy did not sound qualified.

All right, I'm sorry, you guys.

Sorry to make you wait.

Okay.

Ready to fall.

(guests) fall away.

Falling.

Ooh, whoa, oh.

(laughing)

I'm a dentist, not a doctor.

I don't know how to deal with high-pressure situations.

Don't worry... Lincoln, nothing matters.

Yeah, it's fine.

What just happened?

It's a black irish goodbye.

He always does it.

Okay, so I just found out about a rooftop party

A hot sec from here.

This is perfect.

No, you know what?

I think I need to go home.

Trey definitely did not believe that call.

No, dude, he definitely believed you.

All right, I agree.

Yessa!

Also, I love roofs.

Yes, dude!

(music playing)

Whoo, this party is a...

10, I knew it!

Yes, whose party is this, dude?

Who gives a fat wet...

(bleep)?

Heads up, whoo!

Whoo!

(dance music playing)

Place one right here, gianni.

Yeah!

Oh, (bleep), oh,(bleep).

(ilana) god, I love when straight dudes make out.

You never know if you never try,

You never try if you never know, you know?

(laughing) yes!

I'm going to get another beer, do you want one?

Yeah.

Abbi-a!

(music playing)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay. Too close.

(officer) all right, party's over, you (bleep).

Let's go, come on, let's go. (bleep), come on, let's go.

Get out, get out!

Hit the bricks, let's move it!

Let's go!

(woman) all right, guys!

♪♪

Come on.

I wanna whirl. What is up, dude?

Just let me get it, I understand.

Come on.

Let us in.

They're not gonna let us in,

Then I don't wanna go in there.

'cause you know why?

We deserve better than that.

(ilana) what is this place... Where are you going?

(laughing)

Oh, my god.

Where are we going?

Oh, sh...

Oh, you be quiet.

I'm val about town, town about val.

Dude.

Who is val?

(swing music playing)

(man) hey, it's val!

(all) val!

(swing music playing)

(swing music playing)

♪ forget your troubles come on get happy ♪

♪ you better chase all your cares away ♪

♪ shout hallelujah come on get happy ♪

♪ get ready for the judgment day ♪

♪ the sun is shining come on get happy ♪

♪ the lord is waiting to take your hand ♪

♪ shout hallelujah come on get happy ♪

♪ we're going to the promised land ♪

♪ we're heading across the river ♪

♪ to wash your sins away in the tide ♪

♪ it's all so peaceful on the other side ♪

♪ forget your troubles come on get happy ♪

Isn't val the best?

You never know when she's going to drop by,

But when she does, we save on electricity

'cause she lights up the whole room.

How long has val been coming in here?

Oh, for over a hundred years.

What?

No, I'm just kidding, it's more like three years.

Oh.

How did I not know that when abbi gets blackout drunk

She becomes val?

My fomo's through the damn roof.

Oh?

What's a fomo?

I gotta call jaime, he's not gonna believe this.

No.

No, no, no, there's no reception down here,

But who needs phones when you get val?

Aren't you a hot diggity-diggity-dog

And a scallywag to boot?

(laughing)

Well, hello there, baby doll.

Baby doll?

Of course I have been missing out on this for years.

You're always worried about missing out on life.

You never bother to actually live.

Uh... Doy.

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Ooh, yeah.

Jeez! (man) oh, great shot.

Ooh-hoo!

Johnny, you cad.

I forgot you were the best kisser in town.

Except for my main squeeze.

I'm your main squeeze?

Yeah.

You're my favorite little jewy this side of st. Louie.

Whoa.

Oh my god, dude.

Ooh.

What is this?

A diamond?

I love diamonds.

(gasps)

(laughing)

Val bar is narnia!

♪ wake up, sleepyhead ♪

You look amazing.

Yes, good morning, sunshine.

Ilana, what happened last night?

Wait, are you joking?

You're val, bitch.

The bar... You were like...

(speaking gibberish), boss, you know?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You legit don't remember?

No mo' fomo, dog.

♪ no mo' fomo ♪

♪ no mo' fomo ♪

♪ no mo' fomo ♪

♪ no more ooh ♪

♪ fomo ♪

Whoo.

Oh, I guess I'm just gonna go home and sleep

Until I have work at seven.

Oh.

What?

It's kind of seven right now.

It's 6:45.

(car horn honking) okay.

I guess, I'm just gonna go to work right now then.

All right.

Treat her right, sir.

Later.

Oh, god.

(tires screeching to a stop)

(coughing)

(laughing)

Classic val.

Hold on, I think my nose ring is here.

Don't touch it!

Morning, abbi.

Wait, maria, why are you wearing a trainer t-shirt?

I am a trainer now.

No...

Way!

Congrats.

Congrats.

How the (bleep) did that happen?

Kooky girl.

How did that go down?

Well, I always wanted to be a trainer,

So I asked trey at the party.

We both were a little drunk, so I was not afraid.

It was like asking to a friend,

You know, instead of a boss. Boss.

Yeah. Here.

You can have my cleaner t-shirt.

I only wore it one day.

Mmm.

♪ dow-dow-bow-dow ♪

Yeah.

It's like your bass drum. ♪ dow-duh ♪

♪ uh ♪ (laughing)

That was so good.

Wow.

I've been able to do this since I was 13.