Original subtitles

You know, like, detail wise.

Just really wanna get it right.

Greetings, this week we will be focusing on movement.

The model will be changing positions every minute.

(tinkling)

May your pencil soften her crudeness.

Hey, Ab.

(gasping)

Uh, models have to be silent.

Oh, my God, I'm a model?

Dude, thank you so much for telling me how much nude models

can make in a class like this?

I need the money.

Yeah, totally, I just-- I didn't mean my class.

Oh, my God, are you mad at me?

Ali, is there a problem?

It's Abbi, remember, we talked about that.

But, no, we're just strategizing...

like the shading... of the boobs.

'Cause I'm, you know, I'm not there yet, so...

(tinkling)

Stop it.

(whispering) Oh, sorry.

Guys, hey, sorry, I'm gonna change positions before

the bell rings.

I'm weirding Abbi out, it's my B.

It's honestly worth it if we get it.

Your students will learn so much

(laughing)

♪ Four and three and two and one one ♪

♪♪

Hey, Ab, where you heading?

Hey, not much-- I mean, nowhere.

I'm actually getting my wisdom teeth taken out today,

so I'm having surgery. Oh, man,

I had mine taken out the week of my prom.

In all the pictures, I had these huge chipmunk cheeks.

I was like... That's so cute.

Yeah, it's good, though, 'cause, um,

it'll make more room in my mouth, right?

(stammering)

No, I, I didn't-- I didn't mean, um, blow jobs.

Although, if that is true,

that it would make more room in my mouth.

I didn't do them.

I enjoy it both ways.

You know, I think it's a two-way street.

In fact, I'm getting a call, it's ringing.

Busy day.

Hello?

One sec, Jeremy-- just give me one...

Yup? Well, my laundry is in the bag!

(scoffing)

What do you mean, "Stains are on it?"

Well, what do you mean they're on my underwear?

Why would someone say that?

Why would they say--

It's my laundry man and then he's upset.

I'll let you take it.

Yeah, why-- don't you talk back to me!

I will come down there and I will get you right away!

So you better lawyer up, 'cause I'm gonna...

...kill myself right now.

♪♪

(Ilana) Okay, Ab.

You are doing an awesome job already.

You just keep clutching Bingo Bronson

that Mommy Lani got you--

Me, I'm Mommy Lani.

And that's it, whole thing's gonna be painless.

You're not even go know it, you're gonna be out, out, out.

You just chill.

So riddle me this, Doc.

Mayonnaise clinic claims that facial paralysis can be a thing?

What? Care to comment?

Release my head, woman. Sorry.

I got this, Abbi's gonna be fine.

Look at this black-blue hands.

If I mess up this white girl's teeth,

the black dentistry game is over... forever.

I'm gonna get these teeth.

For my people. Wow.

I don't do anything for my people.

Count backwards.

(muffled) Five, four

two and one.

Bye, Abbi, I'll see you when you wake up.

And if you don't wake up, I'll still see you...

("slow motion" audio) ...'cause I'm gonna kill myself

and meet you in heaven or whatever.

Calm d-- you need to calm down.

I am Abbi's keeper today.

I am her mother, sister, father, brother.

Relax, I get it, okay.

I know what you need, a little story.

There once was a woman named Felicity Porter.

And she went to the University of New York.

She was supposed to go to Stanford.

(voice echoing) That's where her parents wanted her to go.

But then, Ben wrote in her high school yearbook...

(chatter and music playing)

So you're telling me that out of the whole series,

there's one black person, and she's the one who's killed off.

Yeah, but you're-- you're kind of missing the point Ilana.

I don't think these drugs are working, you guys.

When are my teeth gonna get...

(to tune of "Physical") ♪ Surgical, surgical ♪

(chuckling)

Ab, it's already over.

It was a huge success, but I had to remove all of your teeth.

But don't worry, there's a huge internet community of dudes

that like women that are super gum-heavy.

It's a huge fetish.

Lincoln, you took out all of her teeth?

No, you were here the entire time, you saw... everything.

That's true.

I am just "gwad my wittle baby's awive."

Don't touch her mouth! Ow!

Don't touch her-- What-- why would you-- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

She just had surgery. I'm sorry, that was so bad.

My mouth is like...

Here's a prescription for Vicodin.

Give her two every four hours.

Make sure-- can you handle that?

It's a very strict schedule.

I don't know, I guess I can handle it.

You know, Western medicine does stick

to a pretty strict schedule.

The sooner you-you take more pills

the sooner you buy more pills, right?

Chomp, chomp, chomp, swallow, swallow, swallow.

(bleep) Government-regulated, Doctor Drew

all-you-can-eat buffet!

Uh, but, really, I can handle it.

(metal clanging)

Ab!

(laughing) Oh, no. Abbi.

I'm just gonna get weed from one of my weed dudes.

It will literally take two seconds for real.

And then we're gonna get you home, girl.

Uh, do you wanna hear my Drew Barrymore impression?

Yes, queen please, Drew Barrymore.

I love Jimmy Fallon. (laughing)

Um, I have my own makeup line.

Oh, my God, am I being so mean?

I love her, you know she's my favorite.

No, dude, it's not mean at all.

And the gauze in your mouth adds authenticity.

My production company, (laughing)

Flower Films... I love Flower Films.

...was founded in 1999 with the popular film, "Whip It."

That is what she sounds like. Oh, my God, I'm terrible.

No, you're so good.

It was 1995 (bleep)!

No, keep going, it's good, she would love this impression.

(bicycle bell ringing)

My grandfather was the legendary film actor, John Barrymore.

That's what she says. (phone alert playing)

(gasping) Oh, my God, Jeremy.

What does thumbs up, question mark mean?

Thanks, skids, love you, B.

Jeremy's totally thinking about me.

Yeah, dude, I think he thinks about you.

I think he (bleep) likes you.

He jerks off to you all the time, I sense those things.

I know sexual tension when I feel it--

Yeah, you do.

Oh, my God...

Will you leave me alone?

We have to change your gauze out.

Oh.

I wanna go to Florida.

(Jaimé) Okay, Jaimé.

Okay, everything is now the childproof, we got this.

Abbi is weak right now, like a baby, like an infant.

And I need to take care of her.

And I need you to take care of me.

Baby, I will like anticipate your every single need.

Okay, first order of business is government medicine. Hmm.

Abbi needs to take two Vicodin every four hours.

Ah, good. (mumbling)

What, now?

Okay, Abbi, this little airplane

is going to come into the hangar.

Yes... okay, now close the hangar.

Oh, you're so swollen, baby.

Okay.

Okay. Peas, frozen peas.

(Ilana mumbling to herself)

Here we go, here we go, here we go now.

Wow, it's been four hours already?

Oh, my God, you are so out of it.

I am really glad I'm here.

(Jaimé) Okay.

Okay, this is for the swelling of your face.

Just rest on it.

Okay, Jaimé, now, we have to do the two most important things

a dental surgery victim needs.

What is it?

Give her Froyo and braid her hair. Of course.

Okay, I need you to go 42 Squirts,

and get me a real Abbi flavor.

(sighing)

You'll know when you see it.

Ooh-whee, okay, well, okay.

The flavor of Abbi.

Can Jaimé capture the complexity

of this beautiful human being in one single flavor?

Jaimé, I don't really have time for this.

Abbi's blood mother is in Turks and Caicos,

and I am her mother now.

She needs me, she needs, you know, us, but...

I will not disappoint you.

Okay, baby.

And, hey, Jaimés.

Have fun with it.

Are you ready to get on the party train.

First stop!

Braid the (bleep) out of them silky-ass doll locks.

Ow. I'm gonna get some scrunchies.

(Jaimé) Okay, Jaimé, the flavor of Abbi.

(slurping)

♪♪

Oh, (bleep) me.

I guess I'll start from the top.

Would you rather lick a dead man's penis,

or have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?

Penis.

Would you rather eat ice cream for five hours straight,

or shoot somebody in the knee?

Knee.

Yup.

Ilana, I don't feel good, I feel really weird.

I knew it.

Western medicine fails us again.

Thanks a lot, Doctor Oz.

You know what?

I'm gonna give you a little bit of my homemade

"Strega Nona" recipe.

Strega Nona...

(laughing)

Firecrackers, baby.

What's a firecracker?

It was what we were on that time that

that dude jerked off on your pocketbook in Bryant Park.

He was cool.

But not as cool as Jeremy, right?

♪♪

(microwave beeps)

(bell rings)

You know what, Jeremy?

I will say it again.

I like you.

I want us to go out and...

What are you doing? Just be open with it.

What are you doing?

I'm telling Jeremy I like him. (gasping)

You told me to. What?

23 minutes, (bleep) me. You told me to.

Yeah, but not while you're jacked-up on Uncle Sam pills.

Jesus, come on.

Take this firecracker smoothie.

All right.

Ow.

Ow.

You know, I wish I could have one, but I gotta be responsible.

And don't you worry about leaving that message for Jeremy.

You are gonna forget that in seven minutes.

Jaimé?

Okay.

No, please, can you go in front of me?

Please, thank you.

Eh, toppings, toppings, toppings, toppings,

toppings, toppings, toppings...

Let's see, Cap'n Crunch?

No, it's too chemically and that's no good.

Dark chocolate chip?

No, it's too crunchy for Abbi right now.

Ew, gummy candies?

Excuse me, these do not go with the Froyo.

In case you were wondering.

Gorp... what is Gorp?

"Good ol' raisins and peanuts ."

Why would we want all raisins and peanuts?

(sobbing) Aye, aye.

♪ Abbi dabbi dab my ♪

♪ Beautiful queen she's my ♪

♪ My beautiful queen she's... ♪

(Abbi sighing)

(laughing)

Namaste, children of light.

Welcome to another installment of "How To With Dr. Whiz."

Today, I'm gonna show you how to meditate proper--

Ilana, what the (bleep) that!

It's Abbi.

I am killing this mom-slash-nurse thing.

Doesn't she look gorgeous?

I would think that you could surmise

from my initial reaction that she doesn't.

She needs rest, Ilana.

Okay, Jeez, you're the one who's being loud.

You know what?

I deserve a break.

You wanna show me your old LL Cool J, your Lincoln Log?

No!

I'll show you my tah-tahs.

Yes.

(echoing) Yes!

(Ilana's voice echoing) Show me your penis.

Oh, goodie, you're awake!

We're gonna have so much fun!

Let's go play outside.

Come on, Abbi!

Man, I hate to see it, but you got boyfriend penis, bro.

(chuckling)

Dude, check this out.

I made my torso a face.

Do you know who it is?

I'm guessing an old person 'cause the eyes are low

and swinging and drooping,

but in a way that makes me hard.

I never thought that a old people face would make me hard.

That's nice to know.

You are gonna be an old dude

with so many boners in a non-creepy way.

That's hot.

(laughing)

Okay, who is it?

Do you know which old person it is?

I don't know, who is it?

I-I don't know.

Do you know?

What are we doing here? Who did you draw?

No, I don't know.

Maybe Abbi'll know.

Hey! Abbi, wake up, Ab!

(Lincoln) Ilana, let her sleep, let her rest.

Ab? Abbi?

Abbi?!

Abbi!

She's just gone.

The door was wide open.

It's gonna get dark in a couple hours.

Okay, calm down.

(bleep) you, don't tell me to calm down!

I hate when men tell women that.

Okay, I'm sure she's fine.

Just needed some air or something, just call her.

I can't, I took her phone away.

She called Jeremy to declare her love,

and my brain's been a dud all day.

I haven't smoked once, I didn't even vape.

This is all my fault.

Okay, if you can keep her on her meds schedule, she'll be okay.

She'll be a little fuzzy, but at least she'll be coherent.

I lied, I (bleep) lied, dude!

I gave her the strongest form of weed possible.

Other than dabbing.

I gotta find this bitch, I'll talk to you later.

Abbi!

It's my fault, I should've seen this coming from a mile away.

♪♪

Chug chug chug chug.

Abbi!

What is this place?

Its the most magical place in all the land.

Whole Foods! Wow.

Yeah, the neighborhood's really changed.

It's a whole new Gowanus.

Come on!

Let's hurry up before the lines get long!

(bell tinkling)

Excuse me?

Hey, did you see a beautiful, sumptuous model-type

come through?

Long silky hair like a horse's main?

The only thing I see is that crazy woman

who bought two Yoo-hoos and drop a bottle on the floor.

Yoo-hoo.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

Thank you so much.

Get out of my store, get out of my-- Oh!

I'm sick and tired of this. Oh.

Get out.

Hey!

(hisses)

Punk.

Dick, bitch.

I'm coming, Ab!

Hearts of palm!

Abbi, buy me that.

I love hearts of palm.

Whoo-whee!

Ooh, bulk granola.

Buy me that, Abbi.

(sighing) Manuka honey.

So reasonably priced.

Buy me that, Abbi!

Oh, great!

Mmm, this is some high-class (bleep).

Ooh, earth-friendly cereals.

Knock 'em over, Abbi.

They wanna be on the ground.

Whoo-hoo!

Next up, probiotics, a Neti Pot and a bag of douche.

Ha-ha!

Abbi!

Abbi!

That'll be $1,487.56.

Use your new credit card, Abbi.

You got it because you thought you needed

more than one card to be an adult, right?

Well, now's your chance to be one!

Plus, you'll get Starwood's points.

Mmmm, I'm so proud of you!

Quick, let's get this into a bunker before the big one hits.

Abbi!

Abbi Abrams!

(phone vibrating)

Woah...

Hello?

(robotic voice) There has been some unusual activity on your account

and we'd like to confirm that you, Abbi Abrams,

made a purchase of $1,487.56

at the Whole Foods in Gowanus, Brooklyn.

Oh, my God, of course, she's hungry as (bleep).

From your clear answer, I can tell you are Abbi Abrams,

and this was not a fraudulent charge.

Thank you for doing business with One Trust, goodbye.

♪ On the flip side you crazy bitch ♪

♪♪

Damn, this neighborhood is changing.

♪♪

(both laughing)

Stop it, that's so inappropriate.

Oh, (bleep), it's Strega Nona the weed witch!

Peace, mortals.

Are you okay, you scared the (bleep) out of me.

God dammit, my manuka honey!

I got you, Bingo Bronson! Abbi, no!

(glass shattering) Ow!

Airball.

Oh, my (bleep) ankle.

Oh, my God, sorry.

I love you, Abbi!

See you soon.

I love you, Bingo Bronson!

(Ilana) So sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God, you're so scary.

So Abbi's vitals are fine.

She just needs plenty of sleep.

I feel like an old-timey doctor right now making house calls.

I should get an apothecary bag, right?

Oh, my God, I am so Horny right now, it hurts.

Oh, yeah?

It hurts.

Good night, Abbi-dab.

Everybody safe and s...

Jaimé!

(Jaimé) Are you Abbi?

Where are you, Abbi?

Sir? We're closing.

Just pick any flavor, they're all chemicals.

(vomiting)

Come on.

So sorry.

It's the Gummi Bears.

Hey, Ab, hey.

Oh, hey, Jer.

Hi, 'sup?

So... I got your call yesterday.

Um, my what?

That really long voice mail you left me where you asked me out.

Oh, no, don't--

No, I was just in... I had surgery, I was-- so many...

There were so many drugs and I was-- so that's...

You know I'm getting... My phone's ringing here.

Hello? Hi.

No, why would I throw-up on my clothes? Abbi.

I'm not crazy-- Yeah, I am Jewish... Abbi.

It has nothing to do with it. Abbi, don't.

Abbi, just listen to me. Abbi!

Listen! Listen, listen.

Hey! Hey!

I would love to go out with you on an official... thing.

Oh, and I loved your Drew Barrymore impersonation.

Amazing.

♪♪

So, I guess I'll give you a call.

Yeah, that was-- yeah.

Okay.

Okay, ring her up-- me.

(door closing)

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, I was making-- this is all good.

That is good and this is... There something wrong with it?

locking that up.

See you later, Jer.