Original subtitles

Come on! Come on, dude!

It's coming, it's coming.

Go, go, let's go, let's go!

(indistinct voice on P.A.)

(both) Yes!

All right, we've gotta go to the back of the train. Okay.

Okay. Hey, sorry.

Excuse-- Okay.

♪♪

(chimpanzee shrieking)

(pigs grunting)

(Abbi) Ugh, typical.

(jackals cackling)

(grunting)

Okay.

(woman) Val? Val!

(moaning)

Ilana, come on.

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Oh! Oh, my--

Oh, (bleep).

(gagging) Oh!

Okay, come on, come on. All right, okay.

(Abbi) What's going on here?

(door chiming)

(men shouting)

Hold up, dude.

We were supposed to be at the front end.

That's what I said. Is it?

Is it? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Are you sure? Yeah.

I thou-- I don't know,

I think you said we needed to be at--

Get yourself--

Don't even, I'm pretty sure I got you.

Go away! (laughing)

Get out!

♪ Four and three and two and one, one ♪♪

(Ilana) I'm telling you,

fat dudes' dicks get sucked back inside their bodies.

(Abbi) I'm not saying you're wrong,

I just don't, like, understand the sucking back

into their bodies part of it.

It's not like it's science suction, Bill Nye!

(both laughing)

I'm just saying,

the more room it has to present itself,

the bigger a penis appears.

Never forget this, okay?

Every 10 pounds a guy loses,

he gains a visual inch.

What, so it's like

the best optical illusion of all time?

Exactly.

Like, um, Mount Rushmore,

how it looks, you know, like the presidents?

Well, Mount Rushmore is actually a sculpture.

Like, it was carved by an artist.

Dude, this heat is like killing me right now.

I'm just dying.

Oh, I love it.

All my senses are heightened,

even my ethnic ambiguity.

I was catcalled today

in what I believe is Creole.

Well, I'm on the edge of like swamp ass right now.

I need some A/C.

♪♪

(Ilana) We're gonna have to throw these out.

Here we go.

This lighting is incredible.

Hey, do you have any tweezers?

Um, not on me, no.

Ilana, did I tell you that

Male Stacey's cooking me dinner tonight?

I mean, if I was a guy,

that is what I would do for a girl.

You should check out the Colin Farrell sex tape,

just to get back in the swing of things,

specifically 8:58.

He is feasting on her (bleep)

like it is a dang milk shake.

(Irish accent) It's me breakfast,

lunch, and (bleep) dinner right here.

(Irish accent) 'Twas 8:58 you said, sire?

Yes.

But then you're gonna want to swab the decks

over to 9:44 for some master ass(bleep) play.

And then round it out at 12:47 with some

good old-fashioned (bleep) (bleep).

(Abbi) Oh. So sorry.

We love New York moms.

(Abbi) Um, I'm gonna buy these,

because they're now, like, sort of part of my body.

So... Perfect.

You said 8:58?

You're gonna like what you see.

I guarantee it.

♪♪

(Abbi) Yeah, so then they got divorced,

but they're still really good friends.

Yeah? My parents too.

Divorced, still good friends.

So cool, right? So cool.

I hope to get married

just to get divorced one day.

(both laughing)

I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of massively

regretting my decision to sizzle fajitas

two inches from my head.

But I'm glad I wore my awesome new shirt.

It's like a smiley face.

It-- Kind of like a smiley face.

It is! Look at that.

My plan is working.

Get you over here, hide the A/C,

get those clothes off.

You don't actually have an air conditioner, do you?

No, I don't.

Okay. (chuckling)

I'm gonna go.

I think I'm gonna go wipe up--

I'm gonna go wipe my--

I'm gonna pee.

I'll pee and then you know what I'll do?

I'll wipe--

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

All right.

(bleep), it's hot.

Oh.

Okay.

All right. Jesus, cool down.

Just cool down, Abbi.

You're cool, you're cool.

You're cool.

You look good. You feel good.

That's cool.

Cool mode.

Here we go.

(hair dryer blowing)

(toilet flushing)

Yo! Hey!

What up?

I just peed. Yeah?

I've just been cooking. Uh...

I was thinking, maybe we forget about

the fajitas, um, for a sec.

I have a fan in my room.

Uh, that's where I sleep and do other stuff.

Cool.

(Ilana) Animated movies are where it's at.

It's like visual crack.

Hey, my daughter loves "Frozen."

Watches it over and over... (Ilana) Oh, yes.

looped and loop-- She's frozen.

(Ilana) Exactly.

All Hollywood media is porn,

and all porn is kiddie porn.

Ooh.

We live in a rape culture, you know? We just do.

I'm gonna run to the little girl's room.

That is rape culture language right there.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, oh.

Where'd you meet her, man?

At a Foot Locker in Times Square.

She was just hanging out.

She wasn't buying anything, she was just chilling.

I'm gonna take your pants off.

Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. They're just...

really tight. Yep, little bit.

I'm sorry.

It's just because it's hot out.

(grunting) They're really on there.

All right, I'm gonna hold the bed,

you just pull, okay? Okay, on three.

(both) One, two...

three. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Did you have an accident or something?

When you went to the bathroom,

to wipe yourself up earlier...

I was peeing. I-- I got major swamp ass,

and I started to shove paper towels

in my butt crack to try to absorb it,

and I just realized that they're still in there.

So, let's just pause. Let's just pause.

Okay? Okay.

Just give me one second. All right.

That's a lot of paper towels.

Do you recycle?

I make more eye contact with this face

than any human being's face.

It's crazy.

I love "watching" it.

(laughter)

Happy birthday!

(scattered applause) Whose birthday is it?

Very funny.

Oh, it's a tooth cake?

Yup. Happy birthday!

Get up, yeah.

Birthday boy, and we all knew it...

Yeah. Huh?

Oh, Abbi.

Stacey, yeah, it's so good.

Oh, Abbi. That's good.

I feel crazy. I feel--

Me too. It's so crazy.

I really feel--

I feel really--

Ah.

Ah, Stacey. That's so good.

Stacey.

Stacey!

Stace?

Male Stacey!

Male Stacey!

Oh, (bleep).

(jackhammer pounding)

(shouting) So, to clarify, you raped--

(jackhammer stops) (speaking) Ooh.

You raped him.

No, no.

He passed out from the heat.

He seriously wanted it.

Ooh! That is literally what "they" say.

Yeah, but I really mean it.

So do "they."

Well, I--

Dude, did you... finish?

My God, I raped him, dude.

I-- I raped Male Stacey.

I'm a monster. Wow.

I need an air conditioner, immediately!

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!

♪♪

They moved the fans. Good call.

You know, I was gonna say something,

but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know,

'cause like, I don't work here.

Why don't you work here?

You don't (bleep) where you eat.

Ooh, Turbie Twist.

You think Lincoln would want

one of these for his birthday?

Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair.

(clicking tongue) Ugh, right.

Right? Right, right, right.

Yeah. Hmm. Yep, you're right.

You know what? Follow me.

We'll check out the ravioli attachments

for his pasta maker.

Lincoln has a pasta maker? No way.

Yeah, you don't know about this?

The homemade pasta.

He makes a different kind every Sunday night.

It's on his blog.

What blog?

"The Al Dente Dentist."

Do you not talk to Lincoln?

It should be called "The Al Dentist."

No, we don't--

We don't talk. We hook up,

I smoke him up, we watch TV.

It's great.

Abbi!

You come here, you don't come find me in flatware?

Come on! Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Wow!

(both) Hmm.

Here we go. This is it.

Whew!

Yes.

Whoo! Right.

Blam! (scatting) I'm just gonna...

Oh, my God.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow.

All right. Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much.

Whoa! Oh, ho, ho!

Holler at me, Abbi! (laughing)

Good to see you, Abbi. Oh, I'll see you.

How often do you come in here?

Not that much.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

Hey. All right.

Oh, my God.

The planning this takes is unbelievable.

This is incredible. What's going on?

Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me.

(both laughing)

Hi, pretty lady! What's up?

What is up? Oh, look--

Okay. You know what?

I've got a cutting board with your name on it.

Stunning. No!

No, really, I've been calling it "The Abbi."

Great. Oh!

You go do that.

I will get an air conditioner.

Meet you back on the thing.

This feels great. It is so good.

It's an investment, you know? Right?

I'll look for a cab on the side streets,

you take the avenue.

Genius. All angles. Whoo!

Come on, New York!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! BRB!

Ab, I got one!

Right back here! Are you (bleep) kidding me?

Oh, my God! What the--

(bleep)!

What do you think about this

for my Facebook status update?

"Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap.

Thanks. Bye, guys."

"Bye, guys" is my favorite part.

I love that. I want more you.

I want more panache.

I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz.

Eww, okay.

Maybe Lincoln would want an avocado for his birthday?

Or like a bag of avocados?

No.

Sent into... Cloud.

Whoa, dude, I got two responses already.

Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing.

They are like up Facebook's butthole, no shame!

Okay, one is from my old babysitter.

Whoa.

Who, if I'm being honest,

potentially broke up my parents.

Whoa! So, no.

The second one's Benny Calitri.

Who's Benny Calitri?

I have one mutual friend.

(humming)

(phone vibrating)

Hello?

Hey, Bevers. Who's Benny Calitri?

Do I know him? Yes!

Remember you had that party,

you told me I couldn't bring a "plus one"?

He was my "plus one"!

Great, thanks. He's one of my best friends.

Did you guys--

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Mm-- Uh-oh! (laughing)

(humming)

You know, I've never been to this neighborhood before,

but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist!

Okay. All right.

Listen, Ab... That I am.

It's reverse rapism.

You are raping rape culture.

Yes!

Hey, I'm Benny. Yeah.

We've actually met before.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you guys.

I'm doing my testimonial

for my "Amazing Race" submission.

I'm just a guy looking for a challenge

that'll change his life forever.

Yes? So, yeah.

Thank you so much for this A/C.

If there's anything I can do to repay you--

Actually, if you guys want to carry boxes

to the truck, that'd be great.

I guess. Okay.

A couple of my best friends showed up.

Even though they were pretty stacked,

I've got to keep my eye on the prize--

"The Amazing Race"!

♪♪

Thanks so much, guys.

You really pulled my butt out of the fire.

Yeah, thanks for--

One question-- Why do you guys

want a broken air conditioner?

What?

Your post said, and I quote,

"Broke-ass girl looking for an A/C to match."

Why would I ever want a broken air conditioner?

(bleep)! (bleep) me!

I'm not big into slang,

but I assumed "broke-ass" means "broken"?

Okay, I know you guys are annoyed right now--

I'm great at reading vibes--

but are either of you good at bungee jumping,

or can drive a stick shift?

I need someone for "Amazing Race"

because my mom just pulled out.

Maybe your dad should have pulled out.

Whoa, dude.

That was awesome. I just thought of that.

I don't get it.

Why don't you take Bevers?

Oh, he can't.

He's got all those kittens to take care of.

What kittens?

Oh, drama. What?

Drama seems to follow me wherever I go,

especially when I'm with the ladies--

Stop talking now, please!

Stop doing your lame-o video!

You're not gonna make it!

Can we try that again without you guys yelling?

This is gonna work.

I left my air conditioner here last year

when I graduated. It's technically still mine.

It's like when a mom

gives up a baby for adoption,

she should be able to go

and get that baby back whenever she pleases.

I can't-- I can't get into adoption with you again.

It's-- Smart. Smart.

(Ilana) Hello, sir!

I'm gonna sign my friend in here.

This is expired.

Oh, I see. We are loving lesbians,

so this is because we're clearly lesbians?

Okay.

'Cause your hetero-normative notion--

I don't care if you're lesbians.

Okay.

I guess it's because we're straight, then?

Because we're a minority in our class,

we shouldn't be treated equally?

The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again!

You kids are all straight, and you're all gay.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

(Abbi) Okay, we'll just do the thing,

get in, get out. We got this.

Yes, we got this. (grunting)

Guys, some lady and her mom are here.

(Ilana) Good one.

What are you, a comedian? Pretty much.

My uncle is Adam Corolla.

(whispering) That's it.

(Abbi) Okay, we're your new R.A.s,

so I'd cut it with the douche-fest, ASAP.

This is a spontaneous room raid.

Whoo!

Guys, we don't want any trouble.

I'm hoping, boys,

that we don't find any contraband in here,

'cause that would not be good for you.

Uh-oh. Mini-fridge.

(gasping) Hey, now!

What do we got here?

Mad vodka, huh?

Good stuff, huh?

And it's also against the rules.

Strike uno!

(Abbi) Lordy, lordy!

(laughing)

Janet's 40!

This is... Stah-rike two!

(sniffing)

(Abbi) What is it, girl? What is it?

Smell something? (sniffing)

(gasping)

Lordy, lordy.

Janet just turned 40!

What the crap is that?

This is strike three.

Honestly, that's not ours.

Yeah, who would leave weed in a wall, anyway?

(mocking) Who would leave weed in a wall?

A weed genius!

And she'd leave it there indefinitely,

in case of emergency.

This is a serious violation of the ethics code

our dear university abides by.

I'm sorry, but as R.A.s, we've got to report you.

Hold on, Ilana. Hold on, hold on.

I don't think the head R .A. needs

to find out about this.

It's their first violation.

Maybe we just revoke the A/C privileges, you know?

Call it a day.

I guess that's fair. Deal.

Guys, seriously, the weed isn't ours.

It's not ours. Also...

what does this have to do with the A/C?

(Abbi) These are the rules, and when you graduate

and get a real job like an R .A.,

we can talk about it.

R.A.s are students. When you graduate,

we can talk about what an R.A. is and isn't,

and whether or not we are students.

While my partner in justice

removes your A/C,

I'm gonna teach you boys about the dangers

of ripping underaged bongs.

Now, you take this, brother.

You're gonna smoke the whole bag.

You're first, little buddy.

Now, suck it up. (bong bubbling)

That's it. And here we go.

♪♪

(Ilana) Yeah, I invented this app--

Well, okay, I didn't invent it yet, but soon.

It's this photo app that, um, adds lasers to images,

so you could put lasers coming out of eyes,

or nipples, or buttholes.

That'd be pretty cool,

if it wasn't already an app.

Ugh.

Wow, you hands are big.

I don't know what that mean--

I could say something, like "big hands," or...

right? (chuckling)

(laughing)

Stop it.

You're so funny.

Have you ever heard of Bleepy?

Of course! Bleepy is huge!

Well, I invented that.

No! It's obviously

not my only capitalist venture at this time.

Eww.

Whoa, look at that.

Dude.

I'm definitely applying here next year.

Wait, I thought you said you're a senior.

I am, at Morristown Prep Academy.

Okay.

So, how... old are you?

16.

Oh, I've done it again.

I'm a repeated sex offender.

I'm a monster,

and I just have to deal with that, so...

Okay, okay.

So, you made out with a minor.

You finished a couple of moments

after a dude went unconscious.

You're a sex offender at worst!

Welcome to the club. (scoffing)

Honestly. There's a club?

I didn't know there was a club.

Yeah, it's, uh... (laughing)

it's not hard to get into.

(both laughing)

And very, very happy birthday.

Thank you.

"Reginald Corolla"? Yeah.

This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card.

That's awesome, 'cause my office

is right around the corner from an NYU dining hall.

That's amazing. I love it.

I am honored and thrilled

that you would steal something for me.

I feel like a fugitive. Yeah?

And if anyone asks, I'll say...

the one-armed man took it.

(both laughing)

Yes.

You don't get it, do you?

No, I don't get it at all.

(both laughing)

Ooh, you guys are gonna have to thank Aunt Abbi

for your comfy new bed.

That's her sweatshirt.

We're a happy family, right?

You got me, Daddy-Maddy.

You got Odysseus,

Medusa, Artemis, Hermes.

You got Drew--

Drew?

Guys, where is Drew?

Drew!

It is so nice in here!

So good. It's so good!

I feel amazing. It's amazing.

It's like a whole other apartment.

It is, right?

Like a whole 'nother apartment, yeah.

Yes. Yes!

(coughing) So good.

So good.

So good!

(kitten meowing)

(kitten meowing)

(together) Holy (bleep)!

(bleep)!

Who the (bleep) are you?

(Stacey) How did you get in here?

How did you get into my apartment?

(Abbi) You're sitting here watching us?

You (bleep) perv!

Oh, yeah, hide! Oh, yeah, yeah, hide!

Get in that box!

No, you've got some explaining to do!

(purring) Are you sure that's even a cat?

(mocking) What a sweet boy you are.

(crying) (crying)

(both crying)

(mocking) I never seen that!

I'm a good boy. I never seen it...

I'm a sweet boy. In my life. No!

Don't tell my mommy. I never seen that!

What is it?