Original subtitles

All right, he's a 6.

Oh, totally a 6. Yum!

(Abbi) Oh, he's a 7.

No way! 5 1/2, tops.

Ouch! Okay, that's harsh, right?

No, that's what I like about it.

Okay.

He's a 10. I mean, look at him.

Eww, dude, a 10?!

Like, get away!

I can't believe you're into that.

I hope he's, like, seven inches max.

Inches? I thought we were rating them on hotness.

I thought we were rating them on dick size.

Why would we be rating them on dick size?

Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size?

It's all I can see.

Those b-ball shorts are God's gift.

(rock guitar plays)

If you train your eyes, you can see their religion.

**

* Break the cork and bring the funk *

* Come on, boy, break the cork and bring the funk *

Hey, ladies,

your staring is making some of the guys

feel uncomfortable.

(both) Seven.

* Four and three and two and one *

(classical music playing)

Ohh.

Damn-a!

I've never been to a restaurant this nice.

I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice.

I read their molten lava cake is "life-changing."

(sighs) Perfect for your birthday.

Oprah says that your birthday dictates

the kind of year you're about to have.

I haven't eaten a thing in the past 36 hours

in order to be able to, like, really stuff myself

with as much expensive food as possible.

It's gonna raise my market value, like, so much.

I'm gonna have a high high-end year.

I've been overeating this week

and then emptying myself with laxatives.

It's been working really well.

Too well.

My underwear is filled--

Good evening, mademoiselles.

Hi. Enchanté, uh, monsieur.

My dad-- my father figure

has made a reservation under Abbi Abrams for two.

I believe his payment card should be on file.

We are on celebration...

for my birthday.

Oh, how wonderful.

May I take your coats?

Please... do.

(sighs) Here you go.

Would you care to keep your jacket, Madame?

It looks like you may be cold.

I'm perfect.

Loving the temp.

You look amazing. You look amazing.

Stop it. Give me a spin.

I feel amazing. Give me a spin.

Oof! Oof! Love it.

So, uh, I know that B-Z, Beyoncé and Jay-Z,

ate here recently,

and, um, we would really love

to be seated at their table.

Of course you would.

I like him. Yeah.

So, where did, um, Beyoncé sit

and where did Jay sit exactly?

Uh, yes, Ms. Knowles sat here

and Mr. Carter sat here.

Do you freak out when celebrities come in here?

Yes. That's why I love my job.

Enjoy your meals. Thank you.

Oh, wait! Are-- Are you Beyoncé or Jay-Z?

Part of me feels like I would be Jay-Z,

but then I know that you would maybe

want to be a dude.

You're right.

And Beyoncé and I do have similar curves.

Oh, yes. You're B, I'm Jay.

I'm Jay.

Hello. My name is John.

I'll be your server tonight.

Hi, John. Hi, John.

I understand you lovely ladies will be having

the seafood prix fixe dinner this evening.

Excellent. Before we get started,

are there any food allergies you'd like me to know about?

Yeah, peanut allergies are a really big deal.

You gotta be careful, they can be so fatal.

Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing

across the board-- No. (chuckles)

I actually meant if you have any food allergies

you'd like me to know about.

(both chuckling)

No, none that I, uh, want to share with you.

Well, allow me to tell you about our first course.

It is a local puréed chard

that is topped with poached crab

and then splashed with a really yummy ramp dressing.

I love yummy ramps.

Oh, I love, um, chards.

We like to say here that ramp

is the truffle of onions.

(chuckles) It's a dumb little joke.

(together) We like to say that, too.

(chuckles) That's funny.

Now have you guys been to Octavia before?

No, we are poppin' our cherry.

Wow. (chuckles)

Well, you just let me do the driving.

I'm gonna take excellent care

of you guys tonight.

Okay. Once again...

je m'appelle John, and bonne anniversaire.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

He's tall and he's bilingual?

I'm short and I can't speak English good.

He probably has a French press

and one of those things that in the bathroom

you clean your butthole with.

Oh, a bidet. A bidet.

(sighs) He's so classy.

Totally.

You're bad-mouthing me to Anton now?

You cannot find one minute

to go pick my sister up at the airport?

Tell her fat ass to flag down a cab

like a person.

My sister is an ex-junkie, John, okay?

She needs someone to pick her up,

she can't be unsupervised. Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman.

She can't be babysat her whole life, Cheryl.

Well, thank you so much for the support.

Support? Tell her to give back the laptop she stole.

She never stole that!

You have no proof that she-- Are you kidding me?

You need to wake up. What? You're crazy.

I don't know that she gave us bedbugs for sure,

but I'm pretty damn positive.

This is why I wanted you to go to Al Anon.

Salmon, we got onion rings, we got a gumbo.

How's the steak doing?

Every once in a while, I like a finger.

Amen.

Nose, vagina, butthole.

If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there,

then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized?

Exactly, that's what they're for.

And here's your amuse-bouche.

Enjoy, ladies.

Your 26th year is starting off so badass

it is blowing my mind.

It is, right?

I had slightly above-average sex last night,

which for me, you know, is incredible sex.

For most.

You know what? To Doug.

For turning you out.

I planned it so that we were doing it

at the stroke of midnight, as I turned 26.

You have given yourself a truly

spiritual sexual experience.

You know, I just feel, like, really good inside.

You know what? I gotta pee.

I'll be right back.

And how is everything so far?

So delicious.

I just want to thank you for your service

and your joie de, uh...

jooge.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

Ours, too, as well.

(urinating)

Mmm. So soft.

(classical music playing)

(splash)

I just peed out a condom.

(deep breath in, sighs)

Clams Persimmico in a gold leaf glaze.

Bon appétit.

Thank you so much. This looks incredible.

May I grab you another fork?

This is perfect, thank you.

Well, hello, my fancy girl--

No, don't, I'm not fancy, I'm disgusting.

I went to the bathroom, and then--

and then I was going to the bathroom,

and then a condom fell out of me.

Did you pee it or poop it?

I peed it.

Why'd you immediately go there?

I didn't poop it, dude.

Hey, it's 2014.

Anal's on the menu.

I can't even believe that, like, I didn't notice it.

I was, like, very present, you know?

I don't know how he didn't notice it.

It happens to everybody.

Has it happened to you? No.

(sighs) Everything I've done has happened to you.

Not yet is what I meant to say.

So what? You're a nasty bitch, who cares?

All right. (sighs) Let's go get high,

and then we can enjoy this clams Filipino even more.

Okay. That's a good idea.

Hi, would you mind making sure

they don't take those clams?

Thank you.

You know, I know you're in your head, but...

this birthday is a maje improvement

from last year's.

(inhales) Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried

to throw myself a surprise party.

You should have tried. It was a mistake.

Hi.

Want a hit?

Thanks for the food.

It's amazingly delicious.

I don't prepare the food.

I just, uh, clear the plates.

Yeah, but... you know.

You know what I've been thinking about?

Every animal,

from every movie we've loved as a kid,

probably dead.

Think about it. Air Bud: dead.

All 101 Dalmatians are probably dead.

(shudders)

I guess Babe from "Babe" is dead.

Ooh, we could have eaten Babe tonight.

Well, maybe not.

Pigs live longer than dogs.

I think they might live longer than humans?

I think that's turtles.

Tramp, from "Lady and the Tramp."

(laughing)

Tramp's a cartoon.

I know that.

She was for real. I know that it was a cartoon.

Uh, I gotta go, but thanks.

No worries.

Hey, and I know you didn't make the food,

but you will one day.

Uh... thanks.

You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush.

He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy.

You know who was mine? Stimpy.

Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"?

Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln.

Huh.

(rock music playing)

(breaths echoing)

(slowed) They left your clams.

(chuckles) The world is good, dude.

Ilana, hold on, are you okay?

Your face is like really red

and your eye is blowing up.

Full disclosure:

I'm a little allergic to shellfish.

That's all we've been eating tonight.

I really know my body, dude.

I go up to the edge and then I scale it back.

I'm good at it, honestly.

It looks worse than it is, I feel great.

How do I not know that you're allergic to shellfish?

You don't know everything about me.

I feel like I do.

You text me every time you take a dump.

I know about the pimple on your nipple

and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card.

I have mystery, too.

I haven't even told you yet

that I want to put my fist

in our waiter's mouth sexually.

I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands.

(softly) Oh, my God.

He's so classy.

You know what? Maybe I should find a girlfriend

who will actually come see my band play.

John, I told you when we met that I hate music.

What kind of weirdo hates music, Cheryl?

Mario, we see you in the corner.

Everybody can tell that you're stoned.

(John) Don't listen to her, Mario.

Smoke all the weed you want, bro. How dare you!

Don't forget whose name is on the lease.

(mimics her) "How dare you?"

You know what? I'll cancel the cable,

then have fun figuring out

what happens on "Homeland," you gross baby.

(Cheryl) I need a 42.

I need an onion ring,

I need a tagliatelle with light sauce.

All right.

Here is the shellfish medley.

I'm really excited for you guys to try this.

We have crab three ways and lobster nine ways.

Get in my belly!

(chuckles) You guys are a kick.

Oh, man.

Anyway, like I was saying,

I know I can't really sing.

Mmm, but I feel like if I had, like, private lessons

and learned how to, like, really breathe,

then I could, like, I could sing really well.

Mm-hmm.

But don't repeat that to anybody.

I won't.

(cell phone vibrating)

Oh, my gosh. Ilana, Doug's calling.

Pick it up. Tell him...

not to leave his trash inside your body.

I'm gonna. I'll be right back.

You get it, girl.

Ahh. (crunching)

Mmm!

(slurping)

(Doug) I had a really good time last night.

Yeah, so did I,

until I came to this really fancy restaurant

for my birthday and I peed out a condom.

Ohh! What?

Yeah, I know.

Did you not notice that you were missing a condom?

We didn't use a condom last night,

so, no, I wasn't keeping track.

What?! Oh, sorry.

We didn't use a condom--

I heard you.

What do you mean we didn't use a condom?

I took it off. I thought you saw.

No, I didn't see that.

Because, like a lady,

I keep my eyes closed when I make love.

You're a condom girl.

I will make a note of that for next time.

There's not gonna be a next time.

Are you sure, Abbi?

No, I'm not sure,

'cause I'm not sure about anything.

Something just fell out of my body,

so I gotta go deal with that,

and you need to deal with me dealing with that.

Well, you do what you got to do, girl.

All right, well, maybe I'll talk to you soon.

You will.

(sighs)

Okay.

Seafood turducken.

We have a small Maine clam

inside the mouth of a lobster

inside a larger Maine clam.

Yum. (chuckles)

(slurred) Seafood paradise.

All righty. You know, I'm gonna

suck on those legs a little longer, so...

Thanks so much.

Oh, my God, Ilana, your face looks insane.

Hey, this is what living on the edge looks like.

It's not that bad. I could still wink, see?

(slurred) Yeah, this is pretty bad.

But honestly, I know my limit.

I'm just pacing myself for that lava cake.

Okay, you've absolutely reached the limit.

Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat.

Listen, we are here

celebrating your birthday, okay?

Yeah, and for my birthday

I would love for you to stay alive.

Abbi, I am a veteran of this game.

I got three to three and a half servings

of shellfish left in me. I feel it.

And then my throat's gonna start to close up

and you'll just stab me with an epi pen.

It's not a big deal.

Where am I getting an epi pen?

From my clutch. Durr!

So you planned on having me stab you with an epi pen?

(more slurred) You know, stop trying to change the subject.

What did Doug say to you on the phone?

Okay, so, it turns out that, um,

he wasn't wearing a condom last night.

What?!

It had to have been the condom

from the other night with boring Ben,

which means that...

there was a condom in my person for four days.

Normally, I would be overjoyed

that you had sex twice in one week.

Okay, I could have sworn that he was--

You could have sworn what?

Not only are we talking STDs here,

I can't even imagine how many dudes

would love to lock you down with an unexpected pregnancy.

I mean, what do you think--

All right, the Alaskan king crab stew.

And I do hope you ladies enjoy it.

Thank you so much, John.

Eww.

I mean, your body is a temple.

(slurping) You've got to respect it.

Ilana, stop, that's enough.

No, enough. Hey, two more bites. It is so expensive.

Ilana, stop eating-- okay.

We're not doing this anymore.

No, one more, one more.

Come on, take this pen. Hey!

No, no! Ilana, take the pen.

Aah! God! (diners groan)

I stabbed myself. (gasps)

I just stabbed myself!

Whoo!

Adrenaline!

I... could actually take that pen. (wheeze)

I feel so alive right now!

What's going on?

Ilana, I got you, girl.

It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!

Wait, wait.

We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go.

(shudders)

26, 26!

Yes, thank you, I need an ambulance

to Octavia restaurant, please.

Why don't you have the ambulance

drop you off at a mental hospital?

Because you're a crazy person.

I hope you die in your sleep.

I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly.

Yes, it's an allergic reaction to seafood.

Speak clearly. Someone is dying.

Mm-hmm. Unbelievable.

(gasping) I'm king of the world!

Abbi, you are the love of my... life.

(opera playing) (grunting)

(distorted) Sorry.

(exhales)

(exhales)

Yes.

(exhales)

Ohh! (Abbi gasps)

(strained) We got this.

Okay.

(moans, grunts)

(siren blaring)

You know what I was thinking about?

I have no clue.

After tonight, I realized

we gotta get back into our bucket list, dude.

Yes. We let it go for too long.

I don't want to wait till we're dead

to actually get to it.

I have them, I'll pull them up.

There's a lot on here.

I think we need to make some edits.

Why? What's on there?

Okay, mine: own an elliptical.

Go to a pug farm.

I just want to, like, lay with, like, a lot of pugs.

(chuckles) You know?

Do heroin under the aurora borealis.

Okay, so none of those can go.

Good luck editing.

What are some of mine? Okay.

Make your own Passover Seder.

To be able to squirt.

Hello. Okay.

(gasps) To be held in Abbi's arms.

You did that tonight. Ohh.

You carried me.

Yeah. Guess I'm pretty strong.

Who knew?

(woman) Mr. Rosenberg?

Mr. Rosenberg. He's not breathing.

Blue team to the ER.

(code alert beeping)

(man) Draw four units of ACE inhibitors.

(exhales) Blood pressure dropping.

60 over 30.

(woman) One milligram of epinephrine in.

(monitors beeping)

(man) Get the pads.

(woman) Paddles charging, clear.

(thump) (man) Patient not responsive.

(defibrillator whirs)

(woman) Clear! (thump)

(monitor flatlines)

(man) Time of death, 2:47 AM.

(exhales)

You know what another one of mine is?

To be an Asian girl.

To be one?

I mean, if technology ever allows for it,

I'd actually love a crack at every race.

Huh.

All right, I'll add it to the list.

first night of my 26th year--

pee out a condom, go to the hospital.

I think that that means that this year is just gonna be really--

Fun and cool and fresh?

Well, I was gonna say awesome, but yeah.

Okay, it will be, except

I will be imposing the strictest condom policies.

From now on, you will be sending me a picture

of every dick that you are about to... host

wearing a condom.

Deal? No deal.

Oh, my God.

Do you know who's at the top of my mom's gross sex list?

Howie Mandel. (chuckles)

Wait, your mom has a gross sex list?

Yeah, my whole family does.

We play this game, it is hysterical.

Who is the grossest person

you still kind of want to have sex with?

Oh, okay, well, mine would--

Mine would obviously-- It just, um, it can't be a cartoon.

Okay. Well...

Okay...

Mmm... O.J.

Yeah, yeah.

Definitely O.J.

Oh, my God!

Dude, in his day, he was a solid man.

Like, he was a 10. Oh, he was gorgeous.

He was a 10. No, no, no.

He was on the cover of magazines and stuff.

I'm just, like, floored by what a good answer that is

and you've never played this before.

I have never even thought of a murderer.

Okay, how about you?

Okay, my last one was, uh, David Blaine.

(laughing) David Blaine?!

That's so gross, but I feel like

he cuts off his breathing so much

he's gotta be uninhibited.

He would let me do anything.

Yeah, he would, like, pull out a tooth or something.

Anything you want to do to David Blaine

he'll let you do.

I'd, like, penetrate him.

But my newest one is, um, the Six Flags guy.

(chuckles) (gasps)

He's like-- Right off the bus?

Yeah, he's like... (humming)

No way, he's like...

Oh, my God, I can't believe you can do that in heels.

But, like, a lot faster.

(humming song)

He does that with his arms.

(both humming song)

He's, like, so rubbery.

Hold up, though, dude.

We've got to go back to O.J.

What are we doing here? What is this?

You tell me what we're doing here.

You want this to be over?

Pick up a knife and stab me,

in the heart, don't do it to my back.

You make me sick.

We're 86 the seafood medley, by the way.

Thank you.