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1
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,679
All right, he's a 6.
2
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,548
Oh, totally a 6.
Yum!
3
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,217
(Abbi)
Oh, he's a 7.
4
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,452
No way!
5 1/2, tops.
5
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,189
Ouch! Okay,
that's harsh, right?
6
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:23,357
No, that's what
I like about it.
7
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,293
Okay.
8
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,561
He's a 10.
I mean, look at him.
9
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,897
Eww, dude, a 10?!
10
00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,532
Like, get away!
11
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,567
I can't believe
you're into that.
12
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,736
I hope he's, like,
seven inches max.
13
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,671
Inches? I thought we were
rating them on hotness.
14
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,039
I thought we were
rating them on dick size.
15
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,041
Why would we be rating
them on dick size?
16
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,577
Abbi, why wouldn't we be
rating them on dick size?
17
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,846
It's all I can see.
18
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,748
Those b-ball shorts
are God's gift.
19
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,584
(rock guitar plays)
20
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,487
If you train your eyes,
you can see their religion.
21
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,692
**
22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,332
* Break the cork
and bring the funk *
23
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,035
* Come on, boy, break the cork
and bring the funk *
24
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,139
Hey, ladies,
25
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:11,972
your staring is making
some of the guys
26
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,142
feel uncomfortable.
27
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,582
(both)
Seven.
28
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,152
* Four and three and two and one
*
29
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,192
(classical music playing)
30
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,026
Ohh.
31
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,795
Damn-a!
32
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,431
I've never been to
a restaurant this nice.
33
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,003
I've never even worked at
a restaurant this nice.
34
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,973
I read their molten lava
cake is "life-changing."
35
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,675
(sighs)
Perfect for your
birthday.
36
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,510
Oprah says that your
birthday dictates
37
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,279
the kind of year
you're about to have.
38
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,382
I haven't eaten a thing
in the past 36 hours
39
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,285
in order to be able to,
like, really stuff myself
40
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,687
with as much expensive
food as possible.
41
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,190
It's gonna raise my
market value, like, so much.
42
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,892
I'm gonna have a high
high-end year.
43
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,060
I've been overeating
this week
44
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,962
and then emptying
myself with laxatives.
45
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,598
It's been working
really well.
46
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:11,632
Too well.
47
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:12,966
My underwear
is filled--
48
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,602
Good evening,
mademoiselles.
49
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,104
Hi.
Enchanté, uh, monsieur.
50
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,040
My dad--
my father figure
51
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:23,544
has made a reservation
under Abbi Abrams for two.
52
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,314
I believe his payment card
should be on file.
53
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,250
We are on celebration...
54
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,784
for my birthday.
55
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,786
Oh, how wonderful.
56
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,222
May I take your coats?
57
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,957
Please... do.
58
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,293
(sighs)
Here you go.
59
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,263
Would you care to keep
your jacket, Madame?
60
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,232
It looks like
you may be cold.
61
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,399
I'm perfect.
62
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,734
Loving the temp.
63
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:49,603
You look amazing.
You look amazing.
64
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,604
Stop it.
Give me a spin.
65
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,072
I feel amazing.
Give me a spin.
66
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,974
Oof! Oof! Love it.
67
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:57,345
So, uh, I know that B-Z,
Beyoncé and Jay-Z,
68
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,046
ate here recently,
69
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,748
and, um, we would
really love
70
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,383
to be seated
at their table.
71
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,751
Of course you would.
72
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,621
I like him.
Yeah.
73
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,758
So, where did,
um, Beyoncé sit
74
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,160
and where did Jay
sit exactly?
75
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:16,897
Uh, yes,
Ms. Knowles sat here
76
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,899
and Mr. Carter
sat here.
77
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,168
Do you freak out when
celebrities come in here?
78
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,571
Yes. That's why
I love my job.
79
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,273
Enjoy your meals.
Thank you.
80
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:30,278
Oh, wait! Are--
Are you Beyoncé or Jay-Z?
81
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,812
Part of me feels like
I would be Jay-Z,
82
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:32,813
but then I know
that you would maybe
83
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:34,515
want to be a dude.
84
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:35,716
You're right.
85
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,286
And Beyoncé and I do
have similar curves.
86
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,687
Oh, yes.
You're B, I'm Jay.
87
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,322
I'm Jay.
88
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,924
Hello.
My name is John.
89
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:44,858
I'll be your server
tonight.
90
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,093
Hi, John.
Hi, John.
91
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,028
I understand you lovely
ladies will be having
92
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,864
the seafood prix
fixe dinner this evening.
93
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,300
Excellent. Before we
get started,
94
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,368
are there any food allergies
you'd like me to know about?
95
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,904
Yeah, peanut allergies
are a really big deal.
96
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,306
You gotta be careful,
they can be so fatal.
97
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,309
Gluten, which I think
is like an adult human thing
98
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,010
across the board--
No.
(chuckles)
99
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,045
I actually meant if you
have any food allergies
100
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:06,314
you'd like
me to know about.
101
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,816
(both chuckling)
102
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,320
No, none that I, uh,
want to share with you.
103
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,888
Well, allow me to tell you
about our first course.
104
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,857
It is
a local puréed chard
105
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,526
that is topped with poached crab
106
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:21,161
and then splashed with
a really yummy ramp dressing.
107
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,630
I love yummy ramps.
108
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,398
Oh, I love, um, chards.
109
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,566
We like to
say here that ramp
110
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,001
is the truffle
of onions.
111
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,837
(chuckles)
It's a dumb little joke.
112
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,005
(together)
We like to say that, too.
113
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,173
(chuckles)
That's funny.
114
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,808
Now have you guys
been to Octavia before?
115
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,844
No, we are
poppin' our cherry.
116
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,078
Wow.
(chuckles)
117
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,547
Well, you just let me
do the driving.
118
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,114
I'm gonna
take excellent care
119
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:41,915
of you guys
tonight.
120
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,817
Okay.
Once again...
121
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,354
je m'appelle John,
and bonne anniversaire.
122
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,522
Oh, thank you.
123
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,523
Wow.
124
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,592
He's tall
and he's bilingual?
125
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,661
I'm short and I can't
speak English good.
126
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,095
He probably has
a French press
127
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,997
and one of those things
that in the bathroom
128
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,165
you clean
your butthole with.
129
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,900
Oh, a bidet.
A bidet.
130
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,469
(sighs)
He's so classy.
131
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:02,603
Totally.
132
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,372
You're bad-mouthing me
to Anton now?
133
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,873
You cannot
find one minute
134
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,408
to go pick my sister up
at the airport?
135
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,809
Tell her fat
ass to flag down a cab
136
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,143
like a person.
137
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,178
My sister is
an ex-junkie, John, okay?
138
00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,580
She needs someone to
pick her up,
139
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,782
she can't be unsupervised.
Jesus Christ,
she's a grown woman.
140
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,917
She can't be babysat
her whole life, Cheryl.
141
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,386
Well, thank you so much
for the support.
142
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,487
Support? Tell her to give
back the laptop she stole.
143
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:20,688
She never stole that!
144
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,889
You have no proof that she--
Are you kidding me?
145
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,391
You need to wake up.
What? You're crazy.
146
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,992
I don't know that she gave
us bedbugs for sure,
147
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,427
but I'm
pretty damn positive.
148
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,528
This is why I wanted
you to go to Al Anon.
149
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:30,531
Salmon, we got onion rings,
we got a gumbo.
150
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,165
How's the steak doing?
151
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,768
Every once in a while,
I like a finger.
152
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,303
Amen.
153
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,639
Nose, vagina, butthole.
154
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,841
If God didn't want us to
put our fingers in there,
155
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,644
then why did She make them
perfectly finger-sized?
156
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,145
Exactly, that's
what they're for.
157
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,881
And here's your
amuse-bouche.
158
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,150
Enjoy, ladies.
159
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,285
Your 26th year is
starting off so badass
160
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,454
it is blowing my mind.
161
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:54,522
It is, right?
162
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:57,958
I had slightly
above-average sex last night,
163
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,194
which for me, you know,
is incredible sex.
164
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,430
For most.
165
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,431
You know what?
To Doug.
166
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,998
For turning you out.
167
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,703
I planned it so that
we were doing it
168
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,707
at the stroke of midnight,
as I turned 26.
169
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,042
You have given yourself
a truly
170
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,044
spiritual
sexual experience.
171
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,448
You know, I just feel,
like, really good inside.
172
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,715
You know what?
I gotta pee.
173
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,083
I'll be right back.
174
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,220
And how is
everything so far?
175
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,556
So delicious.
176
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,891
I just want to thank you
for your service
177
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,727
and your joie de, uh...
178
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:34,728
jooge.
179
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,129
Oh, well,
it's my pleasure.
180
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,698
Ours, too, as well.
181
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:39,967
(urinating)
182
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,269
Mmm. So soft.
183
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:44,472
(classical music playing)
184
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:48,776
(splash)
185
00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:01,188
I just peed out
a condom.
186
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,093
(deep breath in, sighs)
187
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,496
Clams Persimmico
in a gold leaf glaze.
188
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,630
Bon appétit.
189
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,332
Thank you so much.
This looks incredible.
190
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,501
May I grab you
another fork?
191
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,402
This is perfect,
thank you.
192
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,405
Well, hello,
my fancy girl--
193
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:21,074
No, don't, I'm not fancy,
I'm disgusting.
194
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,976
I went to the bathroom,
and then--
195
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,145
and then I was
going to the bathroom,
196
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,748
and then a condom
fell out of me.
197
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,585
Did you pee it
or poop it?
198
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,253
I peed it.
199
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:34,522
Why'd you immediately
go there?
200
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,623
I didn't poop
it, dude.
201
00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:36,790
Hey, it's 2014.
202
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,425
Anal's on the menu.
203
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,160
I can't even believe that,
like, I didn't notice it.
204
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,095
I was, like, very present,
you know?
205
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,531
I don't know how
he didn't notice it.
206
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:44,765
It happens
to everybody.
207
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,100
Has it happened to you?
No.
208
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,037
(sighs)
Everything I've done
has happened to you.
209
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,539
Not yet is what
I meant to say.
210
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,941
So what? You're a nasty
bitch, who cares?
211
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,776
All right.
(sighs)
Let's go get high,
212
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,945
and then we can enjoy this
clams Filipino even more.
213
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,681
Okay.
That's a good idea.
214
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,851
Hi, would you mind
making sure
215
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,919
they don't
take those clams?
216
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,220
Thank you.
217
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,059
You know, I know you're
in your head, but...
218
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,394
this birthday
is a maje improvement
219
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,863
from last year's.
220
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,297
(inhales)
Yeah, well,
I shouldn't have tried
221
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:18,932
to throw myself
a surprise party.
222
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,034
You should have tried.
It was a mistake.
223
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,336
Hi.
224
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,839
Want a hit?
225
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,277
Thanks for the food.
226
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,046
It's amazingly
delicious.
227
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,081
I don't prepare
the food.
228
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,583
I just, uh,
clear the plates.
229
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,585
Yeah, but... you know.
230
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,622
You know what I've been
thinking about?
231
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,990
Every animal,
232
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,759
from every movie
we've loved as a kid,
233
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,894
probably dead.
234
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,929
Think about it.
Air Bud: dead.
235
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,599
All 101 Dalmatians
are probably dead.
236
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,600
(shudders)
237
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,401
I guess Babe
from "Babe" is dead.
238
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,170
Ooh, we could have
eaten Babe tonight.
239
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,305
Well, maybe not.
240
00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,740
Pigs live longer
than dogs.
241
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,875
I think they might live
longer than humans?
242
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,410
I think
that's turtles.
243
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,747
Tramp, from
"Lady and the Tramp."
244
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,448
(laughing)
245
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,151
Tramp's a cartoon.
246
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,187
I know that.
247
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,823
She was for real.
I know that it was a cartoon.
248
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,058
Uh, I gotta go,
but thanks.
249
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,226
No worries.
250
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,794
Hey, and I know you
didn't make the food,
251
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:21,729
but you will one day.
252
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:25,799
Uh... thanks.
253
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,202
You know, that Tramp was
my first sexual crush.
254
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:33,073
He was hot. He was like
a spunky bad boy.
255
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:36,009
You know who
was mine? Stimpy.
256
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,211
Stimpy from
"Ren and Stimpy"?
257
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,648
Yeah, I feel like he has
a similar build to Lincoln.
258
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,515
Huh.
259
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,653
(rock music playing)
260
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,376
(breaths echoing)
261
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,212
(slowed)
They left your clams.
262
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:15,582
(chuckles)
The world is good, dude.
263
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,951
Ilana, hold on,
are you okay?
264
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,920
Your face is like
really red
265
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,455
and your eye
is blowing up.
266
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,324
Full disclosure:
267
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,327
I'm a little allergic
to shellfish.
268
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,229
That's all we've been
eating tonight.
269
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,798
I really know
my body, dude.
270
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,166
I go up to the edge
and then I scale it back.
271
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,102
I'm good at it,
honestly.
272
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,270
It looks worse
than it is, I feel great.
273
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,272
How do I not know that
you're allergic to shellfish?
274
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:40,741
You don't know
everything about me.
275
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:41,809
I feel like I do.
276
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,343
You text me every time
you take a dump.
277
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,812
I know about the pimple
on your nipple
278
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,680
and I'm, like, the holder
of your Social Security card.
279
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,115
I have mystery, too.
280
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,649
I haven't
even told you yet
281
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,551
that I want to put
my fist
282
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,453
in our
waiter's mouth sexually.
283
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,323
I feel like he only has sex
on top of baby grands.
284
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,324
(softly)
Oh, my God.
285
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,959
He's so classy.
286
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,728
You know what? Maybe I should
find a girlfriend
287
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,095
who will actually
come see my band play.
288
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,531
John, I told you when we
met that I hate music.
289
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,333
What kind of weirdo
hates music, Cheryl?
290
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:07,567
Mario, we see you
in the corner.
291
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,069
Everybody can tell
that you're stoned.
292
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,303
(John)
Don't listen to her, Mario.
293
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,105
Smoke all the weed
you want, bro.
How dare you!
294
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,106
Don't forget whose name
is on the lease.
295
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,041
(mimics her)
"How dare you?"
296
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,275
You know what? I'll cancel
the cable,
297
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,343
then have
fun figuring out
298
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,746
what happens on "Homeland,"
you gross baby.
299
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,181
(Cheryl)
I need a 42.
300
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,282
I need
an onion ring,
301
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,218
I need a tagliatelle
with light sauce.
302
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,588
All right.
303
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,290
Here is
the shellfish medley.
304
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,793
I'm really excited
for you guys to try this.
305
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,362
We have crab three ways
and lobster nine ways.
306
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,130
Get in my belly!
307
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,565
(chuckles)
You guys are a kick.
308
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:39,800
Oh, man.
309
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,369
Anyway,
like I was saying,
310
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,871
I know I can't
really sing.
311
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,407
Mmm, but I feel like if I
had, like, private lessons
312
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,042
and learned how to, like,
really breathe,
313
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,811
then I could, like,
I could sing really well.
314
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,612
Mm-hmm.
315
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,381
But don't repeat that
to anybody.
316
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,415
I won't.
317
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,584
(cell phone vibrating)
318
00:11:57,684 --> 00:11:59,152
Oh, my gosh.
Ilana, Doug's calling.
319
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,553
Pick it up.
Tell him...
320
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,490
not to leave his trash
inside your body.
321
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,793
I'm gonna.
I'll be right back.
322
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,494
You get it, girl.
323
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,064
Ahh.
(crunching)
324
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,700
Mmm!
325
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,368
(slurping)
326
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:16,837
(Doug)
I had a really
good time last night.
327
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:17,971
Yeah, so did I,
328
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,673
until I came
to this really fancy restaurant
329
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:24,812
for my birthday and I peed
out a condom.
330
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,513
Ohh! What?
331
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:27,981
Yeah, I know.
332
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,683
Did you not notice that
you were missing a condom?
333
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,820
We didn't use
a condom last night,
334
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,221
so, no, I wasn't
keeping track.
335
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,555
What?!
Oh, sorry.
336
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,357
We didn't
use a condom--
337
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,358
I heard you.
338
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,927
What do you mean
we didn't use a condom?
339
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,995
I took it off.
I thought you saw.
340
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,196
No, I didn't see that.
341
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,865
Because, like a lady,
342
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,167
I keep my eyes closed
when I make love.
343
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,902
You're a condom girl.
344
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,437
I will make a note
of that for next time.
345
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,039
There's not gonna be
a next time.
346
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,473
Are you sure, Abbi?
347
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,409
No, I'm not sure,
348
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,879
'cause I'm not sure
about anything.
349
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,949
Something just
fell out of my body,
350
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,917
so I gotta go deal
with that,
351
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,186
and you need to deal
with me dealing with that.
352
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,521
Well, you do what
you got to do, girl.
353
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,191
All right, well, maybe
I'll talk to you soon.
354
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,525
You will.
355
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,662
(sighs)
356
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,330
Okay.
357
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,866
Seafood turducken.
358
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,667
We have
a small Maine clam
359
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,769
inside the mouth
of a lobster
360
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,671
inside a larger Maine clam.
361
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,273
Yum.
(chuckles)
362
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,475
(slurred)
Seafood paradise.
363
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,609
All righty.
You know, I'm gonna
364
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,345
suck on those legs
a little longer, so...
365
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:33,881
Thanks so much.
366
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,150
Oh, my God, Ilana,
your face looks insane.
367
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,387
Hey, this is what living on
the edge looks like.
368
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,890
It's not that bad.
I could still wink, see?
369
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,529
(slurred)
Yeah, this is pretty bad.
370
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,331
But honestly,
I know my limit.
371
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,333
I'm just pacing myself
for that lava cake.
372
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,669
Okay, you've absolutely
reached the limit.
373
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,638
Your face looks like
the underbelly of a tugboat.
374
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:00,607
Listen, we are here
375
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,510
celebrating
your birthday, okay?
376
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,912
Yeah, and for my
birthday
377
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,413
I would love
for you to stay alive.
378
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,548
Abbi, I am a veteran
of this game.
379
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,217
I got three to
three and a half servings
380
00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,585
of shellfish left in me.
I feel it.
381
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,587
And then my throat's
gonna start to close up
382
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,923
and you'll just stab me
with an epi pen.
383
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:16,924
It's not a big deal.
384
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,091
Where am I getting
an epi pen?
385
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,460
From my clutch.
Durr!
386
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,396
So you planned on having me
stab you with an epi pen?
387
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,232
(more slurred)
You know, stop trying
to change the subject.
388
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:26,499
What did Doug say to you
on the phone?
389
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,137
Okay, so,
it turns out that, um,
390
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,572
he wasn't wearing
a condom last night.
391
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:33,640
What?!
392
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:34,942
It had to have been
the condom
393
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:38,045
from the other night
with boring Ben,
394
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,948
which means that...
395
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,784
there was a condom
in my person for four days.
396
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,787
Normally,
I would be overjoyed
397
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,390
that you had sex
twice in one week.
398
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,092
Okay, I could have sworn
that he was--
399
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,961
You could have
sworn what?
400
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,329
Not only are we
talking STDs here,
401
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,565
I can't even imagine
how many dudes
402
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,868
would love to lock you down
with an unexpected pregnancy.
403
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,370
I mean,
what do you think--
404
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:06,239
All right,
the Alaskan king crab stew.
405
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408
And I do hope
you ladies enjoy it.
406
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,143
Thank you
so much, John.
407
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,511
Eww.
408
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:16,183
I mean, your body
is a temple.
409
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,018
(slurping)
You've got to respect it.
410
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,519
Ilana, stop,
that's enough.
411
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,254
No, enough.
Hey, two more bites.
It is so expensive.
412
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,855
Ilana, stop eating--
okay.
413
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,091
We're not doing this
anymore.
414
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,158
No, one more,
one more.
415
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,659
Come on,
take this pen.
Hey!
416
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,894
No, no!
Ilana, take the pen.
417
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,496
Aah! God!
(diners groan)
418
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,098
I stabbed myself.
(gasps)
419
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,666
I just
stabbed myself!
420
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,435
Whoo!
421
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,606
Adrenaline!
422
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:42,875
I... could actually
take that pen.
(wheeze)
423
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,744
I feel so alive
right now!
424
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:45,912
What's going on?
425
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,180
Ilana,
I got you, girl.
426
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,416
It's my birthday,
I'm the king of the world!
427
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,018
Wait, wait.
428
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,286
We'll take those two
molten lava cakes to go.
429
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,787
(shudders)
430
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,124
26, 26!
431
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,559
Yes, thank you,
I need an ambulance
432
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,028
to Octavia restaurant,
please.
433
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,229
Why don't you have
the ambulance
434
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,596
drop you off
at a mental hospital?
435
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:04,831
Because you're
a crazy person.
436
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,033
I hope you die
in your sleep.
437
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,800
I am gonna die because
you're killing me slowly.
438
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,802
Yes, it's an allergic
reaction to seafood.
439
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,105
Speak clearly.
Someone is dying.
440
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,341
Mm-hmm.
Unbelievable.
441
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,642
(gasping)
I'm king of the world!
442
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:20,813
Abbi, you are the love
of my... life.
443
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,689
(opera playing)
(grunting)
444
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:38,965
(distorted)
Sorry.
445
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,235
(exhales)
446
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,113
(exhales)
447
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,852
Yes.
448
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,756
(exhales)
449
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,393
Ohh!
(Abbi gasps)
450
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,760
(strained)
We got this.
451
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:08,961
Okay.
452
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,130
(moans, grunts)
453
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,898
(siren blaring)
454
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,633
You know what I was
thinking about?
455
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,336
I have no clue.
456
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,505
After tonight,
I realized
457
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,740
we gotta get back into
our bucket list, dude.
458
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,142
Yes.
We let it go
for too long.
459
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,576
I don't want to wait
till we're dead
460
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,611
to actually get to it.
461
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,114
I have them,
I'll pull them up.
462
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,115
There's a lot on here.
463
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,449
I think we need
to make some edits.
464
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,850
Why?
What's on there?
465
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,454
Okay, mine:
own an elliptical.
466
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,988
Go to a pug farm.
467
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,825
I just want to, like, lay
with, like, a lot of pugs.
468
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,293
(chuckles)
You know?
469
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,595
Do heroin under
the aurora borealis.
470
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,997
Okay, so none
of those can go.
471
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,666
Good luck editing.
472
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,801
What are some of mine?
Okay.
473
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,903
Make your own
Passover Seder.
474
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,207
To be able to squirt.
475
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,508
Hello.
Okay.
476
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,544
(gasps)
To be held in Abbi's arms.
477
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,679
You did that tonight.
Ohh.
478
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,215
You carried me.
479
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,717
Yeah.
Guess I'm pretty strong.
480
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:05,718
Who knew?
481
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:06,919
(woman)
Mr. Rosenberg?
482
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:08,921
Mr. Rosenberg.
He's not breathing.
483
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,056
Blue team to the ER.
484
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,692
(code alert beeping)
485
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,427
(man)
Draw four units
of ACE inhibitors.
486
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,296
(exhales)
Blood pressure dropping.
487
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,630
60 over 30.
488
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,031
(woman)
One milligram
of epinephrine in.
489
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,367
(monitors beeping)
490
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,734
(man)
Get the pads.
491
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,304
(woman)
Paddles charging,
clear.
492
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,173
(thump)
(man)
Patient not responsive.
493
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,374
(defibrillator whirs)
494
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,609
(woman)
Clear!
(thump)
495
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:32,179
(monitor flatlines)
496
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,649
(man)
Time of death, 2:47 AM.
497
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:46,993
(exhales)
498
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,628
You know what another
one of mine is?
499
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,597
To be an Asian girl.
500
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,600
To be one?
501
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,002
I mean, if technology
ever allows for it,
502
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:59,439
I'd actually love
a crack at every race.
503
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,374
Huh.
504
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,211
All right,
I'll add it to the list.
505
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,581
first night
of my 26th year--
506
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,251
pee out a condom,
go to the hospital.
507
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,220
I think that that means
that this year is just
gonna be really--
508
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,487
Fun and cool and fresh?
509
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,256
Well, I was gonna say
awesome, but yeah.
510
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,925
Okay, it will be,
except
511
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,962
I will be imposing
the strictest condom policies.
512
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:26,233
From now on, you will be
sending me a picture
513
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:30,036
of every dick that
you are about to... host
514
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:32,539
wearing a condom.
515
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,374
Deal?
No deal.
516
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,708
Oh, my God.
517
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,278
Do you know who's at the top
of my mom's gross sex list?
518
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,247
Howie Mandel.
(chuckles)
519
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,349
Wait, your mom has
a gross sex list?
520
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,616
Yeah,
my whole family does.
521
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,685
We play this game,
it is hysterical.
522
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:46,986
Who is
the grossest person
523
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,621
you still kind of want
to have sex with?
524
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,022
Oh, okay, well,
mine would--
525
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,259
Mine would obviously--
It just, um,
it can't be a cartoon.
526
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,893
Okay. Well...
527
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,063
Okay...
528
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,899
Mmm... O.J.
529
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,502
Yeah, yeah.
530
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:03,903
Definitely O.J.
531
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,037
Oh, my God!
532
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,140
Dude, in his day,
he was a solid man.
533
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:09,576
Like, he was a 10.
Oh, he was gorgeous.
534
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:10,910
He was a 10.
No, no, no.
535
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,712
He was on the cover
of magazines and stuff.
536
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,382
I'm just, like, floored by
what a good answer that is
537
00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:17,049
and you've never
played this before.
538
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,386
I have never even
thought of a murderer.
539
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,853
Okay, how about you?
540
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:25,525
Okay, my last one
was, uh, David Blaine.
541
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,694
(laughing)
David Blaine?!
542
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,396
That's so gross,
but I feel like
543
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,598
he cuts off
his breathing so much
544
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,199
he's gotta be
uninhibited.
545
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,767
He would let me
do anything.
546
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,403
Yeah, he would, like,
pull out a tooth or something.
547
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,004
Anything you want
to do to David Blaine
548
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,005
he'll let you do.
549
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,239
I'd, like, penetrate him.
550
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:44,577
But my newest one is,
um, the Six Flags guy.
551
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,778
(chuckles)
(gasps)
552
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,414
He's like--
Right off the bus?
553
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,549
Yeah, he's like...
(humming)
554
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,050
No way, he's like...
555
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,121
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you can do that in heels.
556
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:56,589
But, like,
a lot faster.
557
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:57,690
(humming song)
558
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,258
He does that
with his arms.
559
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,793
(both humming song)
560
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,496
He's, like,
so rubbery.
561
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:04,597
Hold up, though, dude.
562
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,133
We've got
to go back to O.J.
563
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:16,976
What are we doing here?
What is this?
564
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,345
You tell me what
we're doing here.
565
00:21:18,411 --> 00:21:19,346
You want this to be over?
566
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,447
Pick up a knife
and stab me,
567
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,549
in the heart, don't
do it to my back.
568
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,852
You make me sick.
569
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,387
We're 86 the seafood
medley, by the way.
570
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:28,488
Thank you.
39810
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