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1
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,743
Oh, my goodness.
2
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,045
This dude Brian Nicholera
I went to high school with
3
00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:13,747
just friended me,
he just moved here.
Oh, my God.
4
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,050
People from high school
only friend you, like,
5
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,886
after business hours
if they wanna hook up.
6
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,821
Really? I had a huge
crush on him.
7
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,491
Oh, you should
ask him out.
I can't just do that.
8
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,760
Oh, my God,
he "likes" "Roseanne."
9
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:27,995
Okay, this is--
10
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,064
This is your new
sexual partner.
11
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,366
All right,
I'm asking him out.
12
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,703
I'm just gonna do it.
Do it.
13
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,205
This is so great.
14
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,974
Like, why are we waiting for
guys to come to us, Ilana?
15
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,544
Did Amelia Earhart
wait to be
16
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,978
asked to fly
around the world?
17
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:46,947
Definitely not.
18
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,816
She asked.
19
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,751
And then they
said no.
20
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,320
But she still did it.
21
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,488
And she died, but she,
like, died doing it.
22
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,789
(Abbi)
Exactly.
23
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,458
I'm doing it again,
I'm asking someone else out.
24
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,527
This is the Abbi I love
and fell in love with
25
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,928
and I'm obsessed with.
26
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,130
Skylar Cummings-
Conkelmann,
27
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,331
I used to babysit
for him.
28
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:04,865
He was adorable.
29
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,567
He's...
30
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,436
Yeah, he's 20,
that's acceptable.
31
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,003
Troy Megliarino.
32
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,207
He spent a hot sec in jail,
but he lives in South Jersey
33
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,209
and I know he'd steal a car
and come up for the night.
34
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,711
Chris Wazcyleski,
he was a nude model
35
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,647
in my life drawing
class and he, like,
36
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,150
always angled
himself out to me.
37
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,351
Chad Michael Fong.
38
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:26,019
We met at a hardware store,
he was disgusting.
39
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,021
You know, I'm picking all
white dudes right now.
40
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,458
I must be craving
pink dick.
41
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:31,859
I'm gonna
go with this.
42
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,227
(Abbi)
Okay, who else,
who else?
43
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,896
Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow
all through middle school
44
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,666
and then he started waxing it
and all of a sudden it was like,
45
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,534
glasses off, you're
(bleep) gorgeous.
46
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:41,735
It's like
"She's All That."
47
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,537
I feel like I'm on
coke right now.
48
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,672
P.J. Mallory.
49
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:45,706
Bobby Cornhauser.
50
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,175
Johnny Fissinger.
Danny McCarrow.
51
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,309
Ryan Long.
52
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,543
Rod White.
53
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:53,214
We are, like, feminist
heroes right now.
54
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,552
So, okay,
that's 36 guys
55
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:02,423
that we've been rejected
by and one lady.
56
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,225
Okay, so what, dude?
You know what?
57
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,593
The Internet
is so '90s.
58
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,429
Let's go find
some guys IRL.
59
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,030
You know, you can just
say "in real life."
60
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,932
It's the same number
of syllables.
61
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,202
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
62
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:17,205
*
63
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:24,212
* Go in the city and we shiver
close to the fire *
64
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,316
I'm from Philly.
65
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,483
Philadelphia.
66
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,419
When I was five, I was
actually an extra
67
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:33,787
in the movie
"Philadelphia."
68
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,956
It filmed right near
my dad's office.
69
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:40,294
So I learned about AIDS
before a lot of my friends.
70
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,630
Yeah, this is her.
71
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,698
There's Abbi again.
72
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,367
Ugh, Abbi in
outdoor lighting.
73
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,369
We're best friends,
and so, it's--
74
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,804
it's like,
cool, you know.
75
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,674
Cell phones are so
close to being perfect,
76
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,376
except that I just miss
that there's like a--
77
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,245
Dial tone.
Dial tone.
78
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,780
Yes, are you
kidding me?
No, yeah.
79
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,249
You're trying to make a
connection with someone
80
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,616
and there's no
sound anymore.
81
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,985
It's just like,
hi, you're there.
82
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,821
It's needed.
Can I get
your number?
83
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,291
Yeah, yeah, sure.
84
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:13,761
Yeah, just put it
in my phone.
Okay.
85
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,530
Freeze, ass (bleep),
don't move, don't breathe.
86
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,266
When was the last time
you were tested?
87
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:21,101
Uh, last week?
Oh, my God, great.
88
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,371
Okay, she's gonna want
to shower first, probably,
89
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,340
and you know, just
be patient, okay?
Okay.
90
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,776
Great.
91
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:29,910
Hey, dude.
92
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,780
You should have
a sex with him.
93
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,782
Tonight.
Oh, yeah, what?
94
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,116
Hey, Ilana.
95
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,286
Hi.
Yeah.
96
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,087
So, all right,
I'm out.
97
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,322
You're just
giving up?
98
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,423
On the--
on the pink?
99
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,057
Bitch, please.
100
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,359
I haven't even
started yet.
101
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,095
Oh.
102
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:53,934
*
103
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,454
Bitch!
104
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,223
She's really fun.
Yeah.
105
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,458
Yeah, no, she
seems nice.
106
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,360
Do you want to get
a drink tomorrow?
Yeah.
107
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,395
Cool, I'll text you.
Okay.
108
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,796
You're not one of those
hot girls that says
109
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,500
she's gonna text and
then doesn't, right?
110
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,436
Are you still
talking to me?
Yeah.
111
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,070
Yeah, no, I'm not.
112
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,106
I mean, I--
I will text back.
113
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,408
Great.
Okay.
114
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:38,011
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, bye.
115
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:39,680
Was anyone
filming that?
116
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,781
I'm the hot girl
at this bar.
117
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,916
Me, me is.
118
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,519
Yes-- calling my mom.
119
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,089
Where's my phone?
Okay.
120
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,658
Okay, where's
my phone?
121
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,025
Sir, have you seen a--
122
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,462
Is there
a missing phone?
123
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,365
So this is it.
124
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,499
Nice apartment.
125
00:04:58,532 --> 00:04:59,667
(Ilana)
Thanks.
126
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,068
Got any roommates?
127
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,571
Yeah, but his abuela's in
the hospital, which sucks,
128
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:07,240
but "Silver Linings Playbook,"
we have the place to ourselves.
129
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,943
Dayum!
130
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,946
That penis is pink.
131
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,390
There's something
I should tell you.
132
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:26,126
I'm bisexual.
133
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,596
That is true
masculinity.
134
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:32,633
You are truly evolved
and I am truly wet.
135
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,436
Just tell me you don't
shave down there.
136
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,206
Can you pick me up?
Can you lift me up?
137
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,278
Has anyone
seen a phone?
138
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,881
Is there a phone?
139
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,117
(woman)
Oh, my God, are
you kidding me?
140
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,453
Where is my phone?
141
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,689
I lose my phone
all the time, too.
142
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,291
I mean, I don't,
like, lose it,
143
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,861
lose it, I just,
like, I see it
144
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:04,765
fall into
the toilet, but...
145
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,301
Okay.
146
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,505
Could you turn
the music off, please?
147
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,307
Maybe when you turn it back
on, some '90s hip-hop?
148
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,809
Something cool.
149
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,277
Okay, you guys,
listen.
150
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,846
I lost my phone.
151
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,014
This guy is
supposed to text me.
152
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,617
He called me hot.
153
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:26,019
So I'm cute, but
you guys get it.
154
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,721
Can you guys
help me find it?
155
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,322
Yes.
156
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:31,191
I'm gonna need you
to link arms.
157
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,694
We're gonna
sweep the bar.
158
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:41,635
Mind if we take a break and
I go down on you for 45 minutes?
159
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,938
Don't ever let
society change you.
160
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,513
Yes, dude!
161
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:56,116
So the volume's up louder than
before, but we should keep
162
00:06:56,149 --> 00:07:00,220
searching, 'cause I would do
it if it was your phone.
163
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,755
No, sorry.
164
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,924
We've all moved on.
165
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,960
*
166
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,298
(Abbi)
This is Abbi,
leave a message.
(beep)
167
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,066
Hey, this is Abbi,
leave a message.
(beep)
168
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,502
Leave a message.
(beep)
169
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:17,270
Dude, I'm gonna be so
pissed if you're dead,
170
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,772
you've got to
call me back.
171
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,173
I'm freaking out.
172
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,309
Morning, beautiful.
Hi.
173
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:23,777
You're--
174
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:24,945
You're really
good at sex.
175
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,980
Thanks, you too.
Thanks.
176
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,982
So I'm doing a show
tonight if you wanna come.
177
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,918
That's hot,
you know, maybe.
178
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,186
You know, I want to,
I'm sorry, I just--
179
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,523
I'm pretty sure my best friend
is dead right now and I am
180
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,890
the one who let her go
home with a stranger.
181
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,759
She doesn't have, like, street
smarts like me, you know,
182
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,528
and no upper
body strength.
183
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,995
I gotta go,
text me about it.
184
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,098
Shut the door
when you leave.
185
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,669
It's "Tyler," right?
Yeah.
186
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,803
Hey, where at you?
187
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:50,971
I'm at that
dog shelter.
188
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,540
Lincoln, just
get a dog.
189
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,174
Ilana, I can't
inflict upon a dog
190
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,109
the crazy life
of a dentist.
191
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,945
Anyway, Abbi's not picking
up any of her calls,
192
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,547
so I'm pretty
sure she's dead.
193
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,448
I need you to be my
eyes and ears here.
194
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:05,018
Stay on the local news, they
only cover rapes and murders.
195
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,419
She didn't even say
"bye, Lincoln."
196
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,588
That takes
one more second.
197
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,123
People have no phone
etiquette these days.
198
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,560
Abbi!
199
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,035
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
200
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,571
What?
You wouldn't pick
up your phone.
201
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:24,805
I thought you
got SVU'd.
202
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,207
No, dude, I'm fine,
I just lost my phone.
203
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,609
Remember that hot
dude at the bar?
204
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:29,643
He was supposed to text me,
so now, I'm, like,
205
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:30,944
never gonna hear
from him again.
206
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:31,979
Oh, my God.
207
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,280
You should use
the FindMyPhone app.
208
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,915
I watch myself run around
the city all the time on it.
209
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,984
Oh, okay, well,
we'll just do that.
210
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,952
There's my phone,
I knew it was stolen.
211
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,721
Ugh.
Okay, it's in Harlem.
212
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,322
Great, let's go
track it down.
213
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,826
No, wait, wait, wait,
it's moving south.
214
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,763
It's in the
Upper East Side.
Oh, dude.
215
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:53,601
I-- I don't want
to go there.
Must we?
216
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,902
My son-in-law's
such a disgrace.
217
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,870
He went to Cornell.
218
00:08:56,904 --> 00:09:00,073
I'm fine with the tsunami,
but not in St. Bart's.
219
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,743
Anywhere else
is fine.
220
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,612
It's the tenth horse
that died this year.
221
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,147
That's ten horses
I've had to replace.
222
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,448
Why does anybody
come up here?
223
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,618
It is a horrible,
vapid wasteland.
224
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,620
Um, excuse me,
where's the Met?
225
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,954
Oh, right down here,
you make a right.
226
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,256
Yeah, you can't
miss it.
Thank you.
227
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,858
Okay, your phone's
heading west.
228
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,226
We gotta hustle,
'cause Tyler's show's
229
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,530
at 8:00 and I just bet
he's the drummer.
230
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,633
What are we supposed
to do up here, like,
231
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,636
get a caricature
or something?
232
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,440
(Ilana)
Abbi, you should really
wear a ball gown IRL.
233
00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,809
(Abbi)
Ilana, come on, my soul
mate could've texted me.
234
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,711
We've gotta get my phone,
someone here has it.
235
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:38,846
You know what?
I'll call it,
236
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,447
listen for
the vibration.
Okay.
237
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,783
It's ringing.
238
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:46,787
Ooh!
239
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:50,490
Oh, my God, I thought
this was my bag.
240
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,459
I had this-- this--
241
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,161
I had one.
242
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,796
This is mine, though.
243
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,798
This is the mine,
this is easy to--
244
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:01,835
Okay Ab, I have an
idea and it's hot.
245
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,070
Ilana.
246
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,204
Are you kidding me?
Ilana, stop.
247
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,039
No, this park
is full of pervs.
248
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,474
Get ready, because
everybody's gonna whip
249
00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:09,009
their phone out.
Dude.
250
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,978
and we're gonna find yours
in three, two, one.
Oh, my God.
251
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,713
Okay.
Find your phone.
252
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,848
(Abbi)
All right, you're doing
this right now, okay.
Find your phone.
253
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,684
This is crazy
right now.
254
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,152
Only in NYC!
255
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:23,523
If I were you, I'd pull
my phone out and take a pic!
256
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:26,193
Why is no one taking
a picture of her?
257
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,663
That girl's been
here for hours.
258
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,899
(Abbi)
All right, well,
I understand that.
259
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,967
Oh, my God,
the dot is over water.
260
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,303
What? Oh, the lake.
261
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,437
All right.
262
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,640
What, are we following,
like, some sort of duck?
263
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,209
Hey, one of you
stole our phone.
264
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,712
We know you're
in here!
265
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:48,415
We live in an ugly
city of monsters.
266
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,951
The dot's
moving south.
267
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,020
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
268
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,555
*
269
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:56,824
We're close, dude.
270
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,225
I can, like,
smell it.
271
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,459
Yeah, we just
have to find it.
272
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,195
Like, I need to
get it, 'cause I--
Wait, stop.
273
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,997
Times Square, ew!
274
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,867
We can't go in here, dude,
it's-- it's too disgusting.
275
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,802
Ilana, we have to,
he called me hot.
276
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,904
Like, we're going in.
277
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,906
What?
278
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,742
Oh, my God.
What?
279
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,144
It's gone.
280
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,511
Oh, my God.
281
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,447
I bet my
battery died.
282
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,282
I'm never gonna see
him again, I mean.
283
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,751
I am so sorry, dude.
284
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:24,852
It's gonna be unfair
to whoever I marry,
285
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:25,886
because I'll probably,
286
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,755
like, always
compare them to Ben.
287
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,456
It's gonna just tear
us apart immediately,
288
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:31,391
or throughout.
289
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,760
We could go
to Tyler's show.
290
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,763
I think he's in
a boy band, so.
291
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:38,766
All right, just
give me a sec.
292
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,534
Goodbye,
Ben something.
293
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,370
I think-- I guess we'll
always have that beer.
294
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,504
I thought it was--
295
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,873
It was fun, it was
just fun, you know?
296
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,574
It just, like, fit,
and I felt like--
Move!
297
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,209
Oh!
Jesus.
298
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,443
What?
299
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,445
(bleep) you both,
you yuppie trash!
No, what?
300
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,480
Tax the rich!
301
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,818
Dude, I-- I thought
he was in a band.
302
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,686
I didn't know this was
gonna be, like an improv show.
303
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:02,222
Yeah, me too,
I don't know.
304
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,193
What's hotter than a pink
dick with a sense of humor?
305
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,662
I mean, a black
dick, but...
306
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,032
You know that you're so
anti-racist sometimes
307
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,901
that you're actually
really racist?
308
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,036
Huh.
309
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,809
(man)
All right, thank
you all for coming.
310
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,811
We are Statutory Crepe.
311
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,479
Everything you're about to
see will be fully improvised.
312
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,581
All we need to get
started is one word.
313
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,919
(man)
Eggroll!
I heard "eggroll."
314
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,955
Dude.
315
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,190
Mom.
Yes, son?
316
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:41,394
I need to talk to
you about my penis.
317
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,863
Yes, son?
318
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,198
I love answering questions
about penises,
319
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,500
even though
I have a vagina!
320
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,003
Ha ha ha!
321
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,941
How much for
this shirt?
I can--
322
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:58,245
One million dollars.
323
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,646
I'm embarrassed
that I'm here.
324
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,581
I'm embarrassed that
he was inside of me.
325
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,484
(animal noises)
326
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,453
I'm not watching
this by myself, get--
327
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,654
(Ilana)
You should come
down here.
328
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,957
Sit in your seat,
you brought me here.
329
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:12,960
Oh, my God.
330
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,261
Scene!
331
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,595
We're gonna take
a quick break and be back
332
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,298
with another hour of
Statutory Crepe!
333
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,035
Woohoo!
334
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,471
(Ilana)
Oh, my God, that was the
worst thing I've ever seen.
335
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,306
I feel like I've
been hate-crimed.
336
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,208
Oh, my God!
The dot's back!
337
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,943
(Abbi)
Ew, it's still
in Times Square!
338
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,144
I bet the freak
was seeing a play
339
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,745
and turned it
off to be polite.
340
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:33,746
Oh, my God, dude.
341
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:34,882
Times Square,
Central Park?
342
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,917
Upper East Side,
means it's a tourist.
343
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,085
Ew!
344
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,752
The dot's moving
down Eighth Ave.
345
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,121
What tourist spot
is down there?
346
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,222
I don't know, but
let's get out of here
347
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,058
before Jerry Lewis
sees you again.
348
00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,494
(Ilana)
Oh, my God, oh!
349
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:48,996
I've been
pulled back in.
350
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:50,797
It's too-- I can't--
I can't not.
351
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:51,999
I can't say no.
352
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,266
Okay, you go with
Dr. Evil, because
353
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,368
I just figured out where
the thief took my phone,
354
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,205
the last place
every tourist goes.
355
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,207
The airport?
No, not--
356
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,342
Not literally
the last place.
357
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,776
Magnolia Bakery.
358
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:04,978
Right, right,
right, right.
Right?
359
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,379
Yeah, do it.
Okay, I'm going.
360
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:07,547
Get your hot piece.
All right, I'm going.
361
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,781
Get it.
362
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,517
Hey!
363
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,920
Oh! Oh.
364
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,493
(woman)
Wait, you guys
don't have wine?
365
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,162
What about
white wine?
366
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,596
You, you have
my phone.
367
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,198
Oh, my God, hey!
368
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,134
How did you find out
about this place?
369
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,535
I thought it
was a secret.
370
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,770
Okay, can you please check
your bag for my phone?
371
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,505
This is, like,
an emergency.
372
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:36,743
Oh, my God, look,
a Mike and Ike.
373
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:40,180
Oh, no, wait, that was,
like, a pinto bean.
374
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,950
High-five.
All right.
375
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,051
You know what?
376
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,953
I'm gonna help you out,
okay great, great.
377
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,621
So this is my phone,
this is your phone.
378
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,257
My phone,
your phone, okay?
379
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,459
There's two.
Oh, my God.
380
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,727
I must have taken
that on incident.
381
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,363
I swear.
382
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,630
Like, that makes sense
'cause I called
383
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,066
my mom and she
was like,
384
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,433
way nicer
than usual.
385
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,970
I've been following
you, like, all day today,
386
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,305
I don't know how you didn't
feel this vibrating at all.
387
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,407
This purse is
enormous.
388
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,143
I carry it to make
me look petite.
389
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,979
Oh, my God,
Ben texted me.
390
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,713
Okay, 11:00.
391
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,881
That's eight minutes.
392
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,383
Okay.
393
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,219
You know what? I'm gonna
get a large banana pudding.
394
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,287
Great, and she's
gonna pay for it.
395
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,288
Awesome.
396
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,790
Wait, are
you kidding?
397
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,858
Wait, do you guys
have red wine?
398
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,628
(woman)
Are you serious?
This is a bakery.
399
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,465
* Can you make me
go ooh ooh ooh ahh *
400
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,334
Can I get
a one-word suggestion?
401
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,004
I heard "cunnilingus."
402
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,876
I've got a turtle
head poking out!
403
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:51,884
We also have lobster
in the shell.
404
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,021
No.
405
00:15:55,688 --> 00:16:00,593
I am a robot and
I'm programmed to be horny.
406
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,467
I made a poopy
in my dipey.
407
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,037
Oh, stop-- no, stop.
408
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,804
What's wrong?
409
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,240
Honestly, dude?
410
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:17,777
You are so gorgeous and
sexually skilled it's scary,
411
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:26,119
but your improv show
was just not good.
412
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,455
That was one of
our best shows.
413
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,157
Shut up,
you're an idiot.
414
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,924
All right,
(bleep) you.
415
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,361
Thank you for
your services.
416
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:38,065
But seriously, thank you for
your services, they were good.
417
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,266
Whoa, whoa, just--
418
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,468
Don't put your shirt
on before you leave.
419
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,703
What's the point?
420
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,208
I'm so sorry.
421
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,610
Ben!
422
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,686
(Ben)
Oh, Abbi!
423
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,154
Yes.
424
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:02,255
Just give me
a second.
425
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,424
Oh, yeah.
426
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,393
Just look away,
I just need--
427
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,528
I ate banana
pudding, I just--
428
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:11,798
I offer clients incentives
to stay with the bank, so.
429
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,366
Cool.
430
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,367
You know, I used
to have an office
431
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,103
that didn't
have a window.
432
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:19,606
They just moved me into
an office with a window.
433
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,940
Oh, that's great.
434
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,242
I mean, it's much better
to have a window.
435
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,544
Much better, I look
out all the time.
436
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,846
Yeah, yeah.
437
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,288
Um so have you
been here before?
438
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,556
I have.
439
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,125
About a year ago.
440
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,561
Or... it was like
two years ago.
441
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:45,132
Cool.
Or, no.
442
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:48,735
That was like
a year ago.
443
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:52,905
13 months, 14,
13 months, 14 months.
444
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,909
(phone vibrating)
445
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,145
What's up, dude?
446
00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,046
They just found a dead
girl on Riker's Island.
447
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,148
Was it Abbi?
448
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,249
Oh, no, no, no.
449
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,483
Abbi's fine, I've been
with her all day.
450
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,285
What? Why didn't
you tell me?
451
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,920
I was worried,
Abbi's my friend too.
452
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,157
I was so worried,
I baked a whole cake.
453
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,924
And then I ate
a whole cake.
454
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,493
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
455
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,662
You know, I got
another cake cooking.
456
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,964
You can come over
and we can eat it.
457
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:21,234
Or just smash our
faces into it.
458
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,737
*
459
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,306
He was so boring.
460
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,841
He told me the rules to some
game, Settlers of Catan,
461
00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:31,311
for like, 40 minutes.
462
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,980
Oh, God, that should take,
like, ten minutes, tops.
463
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:37,817
Don't worry, you'll have sexual
intercourse very soon.
464
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,787
Oh, no, I still
slept with him.
465
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,322
Oh!
(Abbi)
Yeah!
466
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,191
Nice-- and you
know what?
467
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,825
I had a really sweet
day with you, dude.
468
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,026
Yeah, me too.
469
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,295
Hey, I'm glad you're
not dead, Abbi.
470
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,596
Thanks, Lincoln.
471
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,199
All right, so it is
time for us to do it.
472
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,533
Okay, wait,
I want to watch.
473
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,603
I know you do, 'cause you're
a naughty little girl.
474
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,306
Let's do this.
475
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,577
Oh, man.
476
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,579
Uh-oh, someone's
making a cake mess.
477
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:07,980
You know what's
good for that?
478
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,617
Is if you just get
a napkin or a paper towel,
479
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:11,984
or a thick napkin--
480
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:12,985
(Ilana)
Oh, my God.
It's just--
481
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,221
(Ilana)
Please stop.
482
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,655
Thanks.
Okay.
483
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:16,856
Goodbye.
484
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,258
(Ilana)
Bye!
485
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:19,726
And learn
Settlers of Catan.
486
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,928
It's honestly
not that hard.
487
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,064
face that I hate.
488
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:29,135
Oh.
489
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,803
Oh, my God,
it won't let me--
490
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,339
It says my
storage is full.
491
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,242
That sucks for you.
492
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,544
What is...
493
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,878
Look at this.
494
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,680
Hi, baby.
495
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,114
I am in a boat.
496
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:46,253
Oh, my God,
I love this city.
497
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,256
Where is Central Park?
498
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,657
(man)
You're in it.
Oh, my God.
499
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,960
Central Perk.
500
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,995
The one with Gunther.
501
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,530
And "Smelly Cat"?
502
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,132
(mumbling)
503
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,501
Baby...
504
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:05,705
I have a sweet
surprise for you.
505
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,474
Here it comes.
506
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:08,908
She's gonna jerk off.
507
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,343
No, no, no, no, no,
we shouldn't watch it.
508
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,578
Ilana, we should
not watch it.
509
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,846
This is not a time
for prudeness, Abbi.
Okay, fine!
510
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,182
So you ready?
511
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,189
(coughing)
512
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,860
Oh.
513
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,062
That was... you know?
514
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:31,664
That was phenomenal.
Oh, my God.
515
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,200
Send that to my burner
phone, that last one.
516
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,468
You have
a burner phone?
517
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,803
You didn't know that?
No.
518
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,104
Why do you have that?
519
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,607
For dick pics and
sex media in general.
520
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,442
Why would you need
a phone from, like,
521
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,843
"The Wire" for that?
522
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,346
I'm still on my family plan
and I don't fully understand
523
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,415
the cloud and
I don't trust it.
524
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,684
I mean, I can't risk having
just dicks floating around.
525
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:52,819
I feel like they're
gonna, like,
526
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,287
pop up on my parents'
phone one day.
527
00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:57,424
How many dicks
are floating around?
528
00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:03,930
You're
counting a lot.
529
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,366
Like, in
the late 20s?
530
00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,843
You yuppie trash!
531
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,511
Are you walking-- You wanna
walk across the street?
532
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,812
I'm walking.
Are you right now?
533
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,349
Oh, really--
Were you gonna walk?
534
00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:24,384
Stupid...
Oh yeah, let's just walk.
535
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:27,153
Look how easy it is
to walk-- so easy.
37132
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