Original subtitles

So when the woman says they come long and thin, fat...

...with veins on them, like this and like that...

...the guy can't handle it. He gets up and says, "If I found one like that..."

-"... I'd, you know..." -He's something else!

They used to call them 'zibiks'. They were like coffee mills. This big.

And made of wood, right? Or so I hear, I never saw one.

I haven't laughed so much in ages. Let's drink, Vedat.

-Cheers! -Welcome, old man.

-Welcome. -To your health.

Zeki, why don't we, you know..?

Right. Enough laughs. Let's not keep Vedat hanging on any longer.

Oh man! You had to put them in a plastic bag?

Hey, the wrapping has to be crap or they'd attract attention. Right?

Sure.

Here, these are the goods.

Just look at that stitching. It speaks for itself.

-So can I touch them? -Sure.. Here you go.

They call these long Wellingtons. They're around 130-140 years old.

I can't give an exact figure, but around that.

-So how did they land up with you? -Now that's an interesting story.

Go on, tell him. Vedat's one of us. There's no one around. It's just us.

-OK, US president Garfield... -What, the cat?

-What fucking cat? -Garfield's a cat, right?

Google it, man! See for yourself. The then US president was Garfield.

OK, I enter 'Garfield'. 'Did you mean Garfield?' The cat again.

Where's the president? Away. On vacation.

-Carry on, chum. -Alpay...

Just carry on.

Vedat, the US president sends our sultan a gift.

And the sultan thinks, "I'll send a gift back."

My great-grandfather, Aziz Vefa, a member of the secret services...

...and another public servant, Lemi Galip, from the treasury.

He gives them a mission. What does he say?

He says, "Take this gift to the president."

-So they go to the palace. -The palace?

What do you think? They'd meet the sultan down at the waterside?

-So they go to the palace. -OK. Get on with it, will you?

I am, but learn to listen first.

Telling a story is just as much about being listened to.

Oh, right.

They come before the sultan. And they kiss the sultan's hands.

-Does the sultan kiss theirs? -Come on, man! Stop butting in.

They're presented the gift right away. What is it? Adiamond necklace.

And the sultan says, "It's in your hands now."

"And here's 1000 bucks for the road. Confederation dollars."

Well, you can't say, "Sorry, padishah. America's miles away. No can do."

You have to go come hell or high water.

Now they've got the mission their route's a given.

First, the Orient Express to Paris.

Then a boat to London.

And then another boat across the Atlantic to America.

THE MILD WEST

S'il vous pla^t, madame.

Our honourable jerk didn't get the joke, Aziz.

Ask if Mr and Mrs Brown are back from the picnic.

Give me a break! The humour's way too subtle.

English peasant!

I'm saying we prize our village people.

They always say that. It's the only thing they know.

She says she can keep secrets.

Keep those secrets when we stop for a break.

Suppose we stop and pass a little water?

What the hell are you doing?

-What's the problem? -You can't share it round like candy!

-Well, you did it with that photo. -Put the damn thing back!

OK. Don't get so steamed up! I'm responsible for it.

Bandits! Keep calm.

Don't point that at me!

Listen. We'll follow the normal routine. Calm down.

Listen. We'll draw straws. The diamond or the money? Quick!

-We're in deep water, Aziz Efendi! -Draw a straw!

The diamond.

-There's armies of them, Aziz Efendi! -Stay calm. Calm down. Stay calm.

-I am calm! -Stay calm.

In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful..

Dear God, don't desert us!

We're not giving up the diamond even if it means death!

-Let's go, main man! -With the will of Allah..

I said stop the carriage, you son of a bitch!

Hey, Zeki. I got kind of lost from the mail carriage onwards.

Wait. Let's try this then.

Didn't I say stop the carriage, you fuckers?

Get out! Out, out, out!

Get out of there! Out!

-Come on, move it! -Oh God, Jack! No!

-Stop! Get off her! -Don't shout. Stand in line.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Lesh here. My crew and I are here...

...to relieve you of certain items for the comfort of your journey.

You're free to shout. Any heroics and you're dead.

The gun's antique. I put in for a new one and does anyone give a fuck?

Come here, asshole! Move! Get over there!

Lesh! Check out this chick!

A watch!

Don't take us for wasters, sir. We've come all the way from Istanbul.

Oh yeah?.. It shows.

I never saw kit like that even in Buffalo Bill's show.

What the hell is this?

Afez. I have a flute as well if you want.

Knock it off!

Don't..!

-Lesh! -What the hell have you done?

-Lesh! -What the hell have you done?

This is unreal!

But we're in with Firecracker Ahmet of Highwayman Creek. Be warned!

Come on, let's go! I smell Indians.

See you!

-He said "Sioux". The Sioux.. -No, he said "see you" as in goodbye.

Who the hell is Firecracker Ahmet?

Any time I mention the guy's name it always gets me in trouble anyhow.

Don't make me crazy, mon cher! The instructions are explicit.

In case of danger, hide the goods up your nether region. It's that clear!

But is that fair? Adiamond that big?

Hey, you think it's a turn-on stuffing 1000 dollars up my ass?

-I wouldn't know. -What?

Sir thinks his ass is too precious and I'm about to get massacred here!

Come here!

Open up that handkerchief.

Here.

Terrific!

There should be a saucer for this.

Here, that's all.

Are you OK?

At least we held on to the grand.

It's not the time for jokes, but the old boy's stuffed us.

Carry on and you're dead! We face the arrows of misfortune here.

Indians!

-Oogh! -What's "oogh"?

I think they use animal names. Mole-cricket..

I'm Richard Thomas. I'm at Oxford. I just spend summers with my tribe.

Look, we come from Istanbul. They say Indians are Turks, right?

-Kenan, is that true? -No way. Get their kit off.

I'll take it off myself.

What if I say we bear greetings from Apache Selim of Kasimpasa?

I can do it.

Here you go.. Lemi Bey!

Hopefully they won't fuck us.

-Here you are, Kenan Bey. -Oh my God!

-Aziz, suppose we notify the consulate? -We can do that.

Does that thing round your neck have any particular meaning?

My mum gave it to me. She said it would keep all danger at bay.

Hello! It's an emergency, my friend. Get this wired to Istanbul right away.

-Is this an 'A'? -Can't you read or write either?

-Give it here. -You do it.

If Lucky Luke showed up now, you'd be kissing his goddamn ass.

Lucky Luke? Who gives a toss about him?

-Any telegrams for me? -Hey, my friend! Welcome.

Have a seat over there. Geoffrey, grab us a couple of teas!

After a while, a reply comes through from the palace.

What does it say?

No need to come back. Mail us the head of the officer responsible.

OK then.

Cut off my head and mail it. You shouldn't get grief for this.

I'm responsible.

How am I supposed to do it?

I don't know.

Strangle me with rope first.

Pass on my greetings to my mum.

Hey, America! What happened to that dream?

Hey, that needs a splash of water.

Shut up! We're in this shit together and we'll pay for it together.

Aziz, you'll be exiled to Timbuktu.

Just look around. We're fucking in Timbuktu! Who needs to be exiled?

We're not dying before we find that diamond. OK?

For a week or so they roam around totally broke.

They think about getting guns and going after the diamond thieves.

But then guns don't come for a kiss. And they don't have a dime.

Fuck off, dicko!

Then they dream up a venture or two that will feed them at least.

I say venture, but of course not the kind that needs capital.

Horse washing! In and out!

Good health to your horse!

Horse washing!

Having got their hands dirty in a couple of shitty ventures...

...Aziz Efendi gets an idea. "Why don't we do what we're good at?"

Now for the best-loved characters with their best-loved quirks..!

-Karagöz dear, have a good Ramadan! -Clear off, nincompoop!

Don't be like that, Karagöz. It's the holy month of Ramadan!

Don't worry, gasbag Haci! My whole family's behind you.

This was the hottest show in Sultanahmet last year.

Let's have a few laughs!

Sorry, it's not funny.

Try being open to new things. This is shadow theatre!

-We'd laugh if it was funny, right? -I agree.

OK.. I'll do you Moliere next year. Moliere's 'The Miser'.

I did Blustering Drunkard Bekir, I did the Dwarf.

They didn't laugh at one of them!

-But they laughed at your lady, huh? -So? And up until then?

They have no sense of humour. American humour! Fuck that!

The jokes get lost in translation of course.

Give me a break!

Eggs.. Save those. What's in that over there?

Sugar.

Lemons.. Sugar.. Lemons and sugar.

Candy!.. Roll up, roll up!.. Candy!

Here you go. Enjoy!

-Candy! -Do me one.

-Your wish is my command! -Wind it round this, not that!

-It's Ottoman candy. It might be heavy. -Shut the fuck up!

There's nothing they don't do to scrape together 100 dollars.

They even show cartoons on a contraption Lemi rigged up.

I'm talking cartoons! Walt Disney isn't around yet, nor Mickey Mouse.

Watch up, watch up! A love story! As real as life itself!

I'll tell you something, but don't get the wrong idea.

They find that formula. You know the one that's said to be secret?

-What's that? -Cola of course!

Liquorice, bicarbonate of soda.. And the base is syrup anyway.

Hold it, I'm not with you. They really invent cola?

Sure they do, but..

Aziz!

What do you think?

Wow! Fabulous! Fabulous! Look..

Try it.

What do you reckon?

Exquisite!

Aziz, should I write this on the pitcher?.. 'Drink Cold'.

Forget it. Leave people alone. Let them drink it how they like.

Drink up, drink up! Ice-cold cola!

Thanks. Enjoy! Ice-cold cola!

Drink up, drink up!

If only I could afford some.. It needs a drink on the side..

Anyone hungry? Ice-cold cola!

Let me get the money for that. There you go, my friend.

The thighs are still cooking. I'll give you a wing instead.

Give me change for this.

-If only I could afford one.. -Shame on you! What's with the yelling?

You're a trader, right? So try yelling. The creaking wheel gets the grease.

We're Kentucky boys. Cut the bullshit!

And we're Samatya boys. You're trying to bullshit..?

Get off me! Get off!

I'll get you with this bottle!

Get off!

Oh God!

So they're trying to sell chicken sandwiches in Kentucky.

Like they'd get away with it.. The guys are in business there.

They'd give anyone else a chance? You recognise him?

-Who do you mean? -Who do you think?

The guy on the logo. I'm not plugging him here.

For our guys it was yet another let-down.

A solder job and it'll be fine.

Redneck assholes, they won't let us do an honest day's work!

How much have we got?

-Around 50-55 dollars. -Hand it over.

I'll get a pistol and go to town with them!

Enough crap! I've woken up from that American dream at last!

Aziz Efendi, you're a wanted man.

I'll find that fucker Johnny Lesh and finish him off too.

-Aziz Efendi, you're a wanted man. -Come on! It's just luck, that's all.

No, not like that. You have a price on your head.

Ah!

It's the spitting image!

-Ten dollars. Can we get that? -You bet we will!

Horse.. Horse Whisper.. Horse Whisperer.

Horse means 'at'!

How about this one? Johnny Lesh.. 500 dollars.

So he's on the wanted list, the son of a bitch!

Let's just get that pitcher fixed.

Hello there, sheriff.

I'm Lenny the bounty hunter.

-I want 10 dollars for the cowboy. -Which cowboy?

-The horse-fu**ing cowboy. -What are you talking about?

-You know, the horse whisperer. -You sick bastard! You pervert, you!

But I didn't do a thing. The horse started it.

Sheriff, it's your job to put perverts like this behind bars.

Lou, lock up the animal.

He should be kept away from stables a while, asshole!

Here, your 10 dollars.

This is peanuts. I'm really after Johnny Lesh.

Johnny Lesh? Are you kidding? I'd retire if I found him.

Here. 500 dollars.

-Would you care for some cola? -Cola?.. It's a drink?

Here you go, sheriff.

Won't you have some too?

Whoa!

Sheriff Cheko?

Here, Timothy the horse thief.

Timothy the horse thief, huh?

How old are you?

Open your mouth! Open up!

-He's not worth a red cent. -Twenty dollars!

Ten dollars.

I hate horse thieves, Timothy.

-OK, 10 dollars, 10 dollars. -It's a deal?

Lock him up!

Sheriff, would you care for a cola?

Cola?

Go on then.

Whoops!

You?

It's ice-cold.

May it work its wonders.

Johnny Lesh.. 900 dollars.

He goes up faster than the dollar, son of a bitch.

Psst, listen. Put 100 dollars, not some piddling amount.

We'll say he robbed a train.

-Aziz Efendi, what about the name? -What name?

Get writing. 'Jack Daniel'. It's our last job anyway.

Tomorrow we're on the train to White Lake.

-Jack... -... Daniel.

Daniel. Train robber Jack.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Almighty God, have mercy on the soul of Thy departed servant.

And let us, who mourn him, pray for his soul.

Lord, protect and watch over him. Amen.

Take it easy there! May God forgive his sins, brother.

Father, not brother.

We're after the sheriff actually.

I'm Sheriff Murphy.

Sheriff, I've brought you train robber Jack.

-Train robber Jack? -Train robber Jack.

-Train robber Jack.. -Aha.

You hear that, Jack? The guys says he's caught you!

God damn you! Just get this over with!

-That's train robber Jack? -Just our fucking luck!

-The train robber was your idea. -And whose idea was Jack Daniel?

It was me who laughed at 'train robber Jack', was it?

Sheriff, allow me to offer you a cola.

Wait! There's carbon dioxide inside! Carbon dioxide! Agh! Oh my God!

Roll them in tar and feathers and lock them up!

Come here! Get moving!

Relieve yourselves in this pot. Don't get bird shit everywhere.

-Are you wearing that talisman? -Yes.

The one that keeps away danger?

Gambling, was it?

God give me patience...

This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come..

Man, does there have to be one of you in every jail?

Johnny Lesh!

Who'd have thought a gunslinger like him would land up here?

-There goes our 1000 dollars. -That's bullshit!

The diamond's come back by itself.

Friend.. Can I have that if you're not eating it?

Get to work! Come on!

Get to work!

If they left us alone for a second I'd smash his face in.

But they're always looking.

Calm down. We'll follow the routine. There's no rush.

This is the calm before the storm. It doesn't bode well.

Get out of here! Clear off!

Hey, chickens!.. Water!

You mentioned the routine, right? What do we do?

Don't rush things. More haste, less speed.

Slow and steady wins the race. Listen.

-Lemi! -Aziz Efendi!

That was some hail of bullets!

It's so dark in there.

Water, anyone?

-I guess not. -Lesh. Lesh!

Lesh, don't die! You can't die yet! Wait!

Where's the diamond? Tell us where the diamond is.

-Out with it! -Where's the diamond?

-Bea... -Bill.. Give him some water.

What's bill? Bill? What's bill? Pacos Bill?

-Buffalo Bill! -Come on, bill what?

-Akbil travel cards? -Bill?

Bea.. ts me.

Asshole, I'll kill you! You can't die! I'll kill you!

-Cannon... -Bill Cannon? Bill Cannon?

-Cannon? Cannon? -Cannon... ball...

Cannonball. What's Cannonball? Local or import?

-Siii... -Say the first bit! The first bit!

Sii-ouux...

Sioux! He said Sioux! The Sioux!

No, man! It was "see you", like "I'm dead. " It was "see you"!

He timed that death so badly.

Ah, poor thing! His horse is all sad.

-Horses are such sensitive animals. -Right.

Aziz Efendi?

You're Johnny Lesh. You broke jail. You're worth 2000 dollars.

OK.

Here.

Agh!

This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come.

I'm knocking him off.

Let's see what Cannonball is all about then..

I'd never have imagined this. Galatasaray High School, Robert College...

...four years' training at the finance ministry...

...and look at me now.

Well, put it in your memoirs.

We only had to deliver the diamond, be wined and dined and get back.

But we've been in shit the whole way. Look, I still have fluff in my mouth.

So I need to reconsider my admiration for the west.

My dear friend, why do you make such a big thing about the west?

100 years ago Versailles Palace had no toilets.

The king shat straight on the floor.

The waltz was only invented so people didn't step in shit.

They always say that. So what went wrong after that?

Well, the printing press didn't get to us till late, and so on..

-What's going on? -Get off, get off!

-Whoa! -Whoa!

Whoa!

Keep calm.

-Is that really a woman? -Sure.

Watch where she's firing. You can tell from that.

Aziz Efendi, what's going on? I sense a new admiration for the west.

The thing is to take on the good things about the west.

Hey, take off those guns. Remember, you're a captive.

Glasses!

Hello there, pretty lady! We loved watching your target practice.

Really?

But watching the Suzan Van Dyke show doesn't come for free.

Toss over some change.

We're clean out of money. How about a coffee instead?

Coffee, huh?

-Suzan Van Dyke. -Aziz Vef.. Zozo the Kid. Three words.

The coffee's with the horses. Let me run off and get it right now.

-She's like a man! A real turn-off. -I'd lay her for what it's worth.

The coffee foam is fine, your marksmanship divine..

Thanks.

I've been into it since I was 3. I did 5 years in Buffalo Bill's Show.

Shooting, lassos, cooking, trickshot.. Then I did some time at a hotel.

Van Dyke..

What brute of a cowboy puts you to work like this?

What cowboy? There is no cowboy.

Did you drop this by any chance?

Yes.

Lesbo..

-Someone important, I guess. -Right... Someone I love.

So which way are you heading?

Well, I'm a bounty hunter, on my way to turn in Johnny Lesh.

-Goddamn it! What are you saying? -What is this? Hold it!

-Johnny Lesh! Finally. You, huh? -No! Aziz, tell her!

-Suzan, please... -Wait, Miss Suzan!

Out of the way or I'll kill you too! No, stay right there!

Wait! No! He's not Johnny Lesh! It's a lie! We're Ottomans!

-He's a fake! To get the reward! -Really I'm not him, orAmerican even.

I'm Ottoman. An Istanbul boy. I speak four languages.

-Ottoman? -Ottoman. You know, the palace, music..

Folk plays.. The harem..

-Ibis sweetie, we have guests coming. -Fine, but coming to see me?

-Great food, stuffed leaves, lamb stews.. -Stuffed eggplant..

The Hippodrome, Sultanahmet, Ramadan festivities..

Look, the lights between minarets!

-If only we had them here! -Sultan of the 11 months..

Lords and ladies, let's repair to the river for drinks..

We'll pull those oars and have a merry time.

An old mansion.. The fire brigade.. Afire..

-Guard, where's the fire? -In my heart! In my heart!

-The gangsters of Galata, Tophane.. -I killed my mother and my father!

-Do the Arab maid. -What does young madam fancy tonight?

Not like that. Make it more nasal.

Young madam, I haven't cooked a thing and the larder's empty.

Isn't that a bit fierce?

Some soot on my face and I'd be the perfect Arab maid!

A headscarf would do the trick too.

Ah! Lokum.. Turkish delight! Lokum!

I didn't get the Arab maid, but lokum makes sense.

-Here you go. -Turkish delight..

-Lokum originates from us after all. -Hmmm..

-You believe I'm not Johnny Lesh, right? -I believe you.

Miss Suzan, we have another thing. If a gun is pulled, it has to fire.

Oh, right.

It's nothing. Just a graze. Get up, get up.

Hang on in there, Aziz Efendi.

Agh!

-Aggh! -OK, OK. Keep still. OK.

Is that alcohol?

Agh! Oh God!

-So Lesh is dead, huh? -Yes. We saw for ourselves.

Aziz Efendi buried the body with his own hands.

I wish I'd killed him myself. Johnny Lesh murdered my mother.

My mother.. Mary Lou.

Ohh!.. Agh!.. Ugh!

-God! -Pass that over.

Johnny Lesh shafted us too.

We'd arrived with the sultan's gift. Something worth thousands.

We're in the mail coach. And suddenly, bandits!

It's, "Stop the carriage, you son of a bitch!"

Aziz Efendi panics, I'm brave as can be.

-We draw straws and... -Skip the details, asshole!

My idea was to make Lemi Johnny Lesh, turn him in and get back 2000 dollars.

You should cross the river. Lesh is too well-known this side.

I'd say go to Cannonball.

-Cannonball? -Cannonball.. See you..

Ah!

You'd get 2000 dollars for Lesh there. The sheriff's a jerk.

Hurrah!

Right.. But I get 1000 of that.

That's fine.

Hey, it's a photo of her mum. Gossip monger!

You know they say hearsay is half lies?

And you let her have 1000 dollars just like that.

I'd give my life for her.

She's like a man. Not my type.

Yeah, right. Check out that back. Just like our street porter, Hasan.

Ahem..

Listen, which hand do you use to write your memoirs?

Good. Let me tie up those hands so I get a decent night's sleep.

-Don't you have any trust left? -No.

Hey! I expect you at evening prayer. Got it? Don't drive me mental!

Here, stick this gun out of the way.

If it's not keeping law and order...

...it's priest duties at the church.

I don't have five minutes to sit down. I'm just back from a funeral.

Chuck, run over to the church with some candles.

The assholes keep nicking them.

Yes, welcome.

-Sheriff Lloyd? -That's me.

We've come to pick up a reward.

How about a whisky first? My own home-brew.

Or.. Chuck! Run over and get us some ice-cold cola!

-Cola? -Yes. It's new.

You know how it tastes? Awesome!

They've bottled the stuff.

It's a total rip-off.

Anyway, sheriff. Let's talk business.

We've brought you Johnny Lesh.

Johnny Lesh..

Is this for real? You're not kidding, right?

-Chuck, you hear that? Johnny Lesh.. -When do we get the money?

The money? What goddamn money? Are you insane, man?

On a day like this, at a time like this...

...at a moment when we most need to join forces and stand together...

...you're asking me to lock up a hero like Johnny Lesh?

I sent a message with the Fargos' boy. You got it, right?

What's going on?

Sheriff, you're breaking the law. We demand the reward right now!

To hell with your reward! The money's with me. Don't worry.

But I can't lock up Johnny Lesh.

The Sioux have fucked us over.

Look!

-Ugh! They scalped him! -Right.. Not long ago.

It only happened yesterday. They wreak havoc on a regular basis.

Have a seat.

Look, if anyone can deal with this, it's Johnny Lesh.

You're white too. You should have some sympathy.

Chuck!

Hey, don't high-five me every time I say your name, hick!

Run and tell the hotel...

...Johnny Lesh is on his way with our bounty hunter guests.

There we go!

Come with me, my man.

Sheriff!

Macaulay!

Take Johnny Lesh to the hotel.

Give him a good wash inside and out.

Sure, sheriff. This way!

-Don't say he's forgetting the reward. -Not so fast. We'll talk.

Isn't the lady coming to the hotel? Please! Make yourself at home.

I could do with a hot bath.

I'm getting my 1000 dollars, like it or not.

OK, OK. She seems like a go-getting type.

Right, she's a go-getter, but will we get that reward?

Sure you will. Don't fret.

Have some respect for this star. Don't fret about the reward shit.

Once we wipe out those Sioux the rest is easy.

You seem like a heavy-hitting hero.

-With help from Allah.. -What?

-I mean, yes, I am. -Forget that.

The cowboy days are over.

Today you get young boys sticking feathers in their heads...

...making whooping noises and playing Indians all day.

That's kids for you. What do they know about enemies?

Try talking sense to an Indian. You'd never get anywhere.

Those freaks talk to rivers, mountains and rocks.

-It must be the firewater. -Just the firewater?

There's peace pipes, mushrooms, and a pile of other shit.

But they're finished. Almost.

They have maybe half an acre of land left around here.

I'll wipe out the lot of them soon enough.

-Hey! Go play somewhere else! -That's my second wife. Betty.

-Welcome, cowboy! -My respects..

-Will you be staying a while? -Well..

Mind your own business!

-Come to evening prayer if you like. -We've had the evening call to prayer?

What?

Well, with a gammy leg..

Come on in.

It's not a church to write home about.

But it's fine as a place to perform religious duties.

Hey, don't take those boots off. The assholes will nick them.

Divide religion and state, sheriff, or the work will wear you out.

Public service. What can I do? There's no choice.

-Come on! Aren't the floors done yet? -But hasn't slavery been abolished?

You can't abolish slavery overnight for God's sake!

Slowly but surely. Get up, you!

If he sang a gospel song, he'd have you in tears, you know.

Go on, get your robes on. And make that voice soulful, huh!

Psst! Don't let him walk all over you.

-Here's our confession box. -So the confessions come out, huh?

Well, they'll do..

What are you doing in there? Get out, dickhead! Get out!

That's my oldest kid.. Eugene.

I should have shagged anything but his mother.

Leave him alone, sheriff! He's having a spiritual moment.

Spiritual, huh!? He's off his head from that homebrew whisky.

-His friends call him Johnnie Walker. -Johnnie Walker?

Aha.. Hey, say hello to the guy!

-Hello. -Hello.

Don't get the wrong idea. This woman.. I was hearing her confession.

I'd just finished when you turned up.

-Welcome.. Got a smoke? -No smokes, no.

-He should give me a smoke. No smokes.. -Ah! Here, a mirror!

When one crazy meets another he's as mild as milk, they say.

Good for that mirror. It'll keep him busy for hours.

Here's a picture of my mum. You can keep it.

Where did you find that? Get out of here! Quick march!

Get marching!

That's my boy! Let's see the arms too!

Swing those arms too!

Sheriff, what's the story with you and Johnny Lesh?

Johnny Lesh robbed a mail coach last month.

He lifted a diamond as big as your fist.

But the Sioux ambushed him in a canyon and grabbed the diamond.

Now if you tell him where those Sioux are...

...Johnny Lesh will do them in.

And we'll be rid of the feathered jerks.

Don't fret over that reward. Two grand is a drop in the ocean.

Give us a hand with this and keep quiet about it.

-So the Sioux have the diamond? -I swear by Allah.

-ByAllah? -Well, just a slip of the tongue.

-Lemi! -Excuse me!

The Sioux have the diamond. The Sioux!

The sheriff has a proposition for you. He said to meet in the saloon tonight.

-Saloon? -That's what he said.

Whoa!

Well, I'm after the diamond. I haven't got a word out of her.

It's been a total waste of time.

Great.. Great. Good for you.

Speak! Speak! Where's the diamond?

Come on in. Welcome!

Now let's find somewhere to sit.

Get up from that table! Fat ass!

You can't afford that table!

Murdoch of the Fidas is sitting there. There you go.

Good luck.

Here, my dear friend. Welcome!

Whisky over here!

Good luck. I'll be right back.

Hey, didn't I tell you no under-18s in this place?

Stetsoned fucker!

Chuck! Throw him out!

We don't want a fight yet. There's still time for that.

Hey, Johnnie! What are you doing here?

-Dad wants a Johnnie. -Let's have it then.

Come on! Knock it back. What's up? You're wasted?

Suzan, I drank like this as a kid. It's also nice you're joining me.

But you're not watching the cancan dancers.

They hired a belly dancer for my circumcision party.

And I haven't been able to look at one since.

Good evening to you!

-No Johnny Lesh? -He'll be here in a while.

Busy pumping, is he?

I told him the story. He's interested.

We'll set off tomorrow. But we need all the Indian gear.

We'll arrange that.

Whoa!

Come on in, Casanova. Have a seat.

-She was asking about the post office. -Sure she was.

Don't fret.. Everything you want will be taken care of.

Once we've taken out the Sioux chief it'll be curtains for those shits here.

Besides, let the bastards learn the price of screwing Johnny Lesh, huh?

We'll set out tomorrow at dawn, Zozo the Kid too.

Three cheers!

I'm not thrilled by the idea of messing with the Sioux, but anyway..

-Be honest. Were you pumping just now? -Sheriff!

You just spoke like that in front of a lady. Don't!

What's wrong? She has more of a moustache than me.

Shh!

What's wrong, Suzan?

Suzan, that diamond's crucial for us. Our lives depend on it.

We have to leave tomorrow morning.

Don't come if you don't want.. But it would really help if you did.

-They said I had a moustache. I heard! -Look, I have one too. So what?

-They just don't see your beauty. -Yeah, right. Sure.

There's an art to seeing beauty, Suzan. Some people look and don't see it.

And it isn't where you look that matters...

...it's what you see there.

See you tomorrow.

-Come inside, cowboy. -I'm no cowboy, wench!

Move!

Go on, move!

Wow! Terrific story!

-So the Sioux got the diamond? -Right.

Wow..

You know, I can't wait to see how you bring the boots into it.

Well, the boots belong to Johnny Lesh, don't they?

No. What's he got to do with them?

-Listen. These guys... -Hey, Zeki. How about a break?

-I need a piss. -Sure.

Me too, if you'll excuse me.

Hey! How's it going?

Terrific!

-Hand over that cappuccino. -Wait. Let me fix this mouthpiece.

-Fuck! -What's up?

I dropped it.. OK, 10-minute break while I look for it.

-Yakari! -Yakari?

Hamle ba Yakari! Haride Yakari! Tannare Yakari!

Hanyere had Yakari! Kam le Yakari! Koppe Yakari!

Aziz Efendi, I'm using my intuition.. Greetings, Iron Leg!

-Hello, Eagle Eye! -Are you taking the piss?

-Well, Unwanted Hair of the Cherokees... -The Cherokees?

The Grand Cherokees.. My friends Pajero and Pontiac.

We bring greetings to the chief.

Beat that! Let's see your cards.

Hello, chief!

This way. We'll sit over there.

Welcome.. I'm Red Rocks. And this is my son, Bambi.

Thanks, chief. We're not hungry.

This is Barren Rocks, Crying Rocks, Pink Rocks, and the other Rocks..

We're among rocks.

Yes.. The occasion of our visit is a happy one.

We've come to obtain the blessing of the tribal chief...

...for the marriage of our boy, Unwanted Hair, and our girl, Pajero.

But Unwanted Hair is a girl's name.

-You see, my mum always wanted a girl. -So she didn't have one?

Well, did she?

No, I guess not.

The Cherokees are our brothers.

It's a joy for us that they marry and multiply.

Crying Rocks, light the incense!

Bring the gonads!

-What are gonads? -Crystal bowls.

Step into the middle, bridegroom.

These buffalo balls will bring blessings on your family.

Epiesa!

Sheda!.. Blow!

May they do their job!

We'll smoke a peace pipe tomorrow at dawn and finish things off.

Now go back to your place.

Break up the gathering!

Aziz Efendi..

We'll get you officially married back in town. Try a blow job then!

-Are you OK? -Sure.

The chief was jerking me around.

If only you'd been here last week. It was a local produce week.

Local produce?

Welcome once more! Here you go.

Fuck the lot of you!

Speak, bridegroom, speak! The balls have done their job.

This is nothing. There are greater things to come..

Fuck off!

-Hey, it's me. Aziz! -Oh right.

It hasn't done a lot to me.

I'm a local here, right? So I should be treated like a local.

If they don't want my land, they want something else.

They want our beads and give us firewater.

The guy gave us fake firewater!

The boy lost his sight. He's blind. Look!

They say he talks to the trees and the river.

But the boy can't see who he's talking to!

The other day, my boys... The sheriff has that stooge.

-Right. Chuck. -Aha.

They were pulling a tick off his head, but the guy wouldn't stand still.

-Suddenly they'd scalped him by mistake. -Ugh!

Then it's, "Indians are evil. Watch their asses." What lies!

I want to say something. I like you. You're a decent human being.

I mean.. The persecution you're subjected to.. It's both..

Chief, do you have any cookies or anything?

Come on, time for bed.

Aziz Efendi, my leg's gone. My leg!

Man, what's the problem? I've got two. You want to cross your legs?

No. But I have to stand up.

Stand up, man! Stand straight up..

Hey.. Where's Suzan? Agh!

It's done nothing to me. Nothing at all.

I'm just off to talk to the ants over there. I'll be back. OK, bye!

-Get them to do some work! -OK.

Watch out!.. Atotem pole!

The totem pole's looking at us, Aziz!

I respect you as a folkloric thing but I can't worship you, totem pole!

Totem pole... Je t'aime.

Man, don't smoke the stuff if it doesn't do you any good.

What's the story, son? You delivered the diamond?

No, we didn't.

Here.

You don't want it?

Crumple!

Hey!

Psst, Lemi!.. Lemi!

-Lemi! -Huh?

Get up!.. Lemi!.. Don't forget why we're here!

-Psst, Lemi! Who am I? -General Logar.

General Logar? Fuck him! What's wrong with you, man?

Aziz, I feel dire.

Listen! I'm off to look for the diamond. Stay right here.

OK.

Don't move! Gambler!

Unwanted Hair!

No. Aziz Vefa, undercover agent. For the secret services.

-But the secret's out now. Step out! -Drop the gun!

-I'm Red Rocks. -I know you are.

I'm here to get back the sultan's diamond.

So you're a Turk..

They say the Turks are Indians. Is that right?

No! Wrong way round. They say the Indians are Turks.

Cut the crap and hand over the diamond.

Whoa! You're saying let's grab the diamond and go, huh?

That's not what I said. I said, hand over the diamond.

-Pajero.. -No!.. Suzan Van Dyke!

You planned to nab the diamond while everyone was asleep, right?

That's bullshit, Suzan! Stop being paranoid.

-Don't move, anyone! -Lemi!

-Pontiac! -Alias Johnny Lesh!

-Make up your fucking minds! -Johnny Lesh at the end of the day.

I'm Johnny Lesh. I'm here to kill you.

Johnny Lesh! You, huh? Mary Lou's killer!

Mary Lou? Don't even breathe my mother's name! Did you tell him?

-No way! -Unwanted Hai...

I'm Unwanted Hair! Look at me when you speak!

-Unwanted Hair! My child! -What hair? What child? What is this?

Get the diamond out! Don't make me shoot!

Almighty Manitu! I've looked everywhere for you, Johnny Lesh!

Did I have to meet my mortal enemy when I'm so powerless?

-I have the girl. You handle the chief. -Lemi, don't shoot Suzan.

Suzan! You know he's not Johnny Lesh! We told you.

Ah! Don't, Aziz! Dad, stop!

-Why the hell did you shoot me? -Everything got so confused.

-My child! -Dad!

Well, child..

I met her in Greenville as a young man.. She was dancing.

We fell in love.

She ran away with me.

The elders were furious. They were against it. But I held out.

We were happy.. Then you were born.

One day, when I was out hunting, Johnny Lesh descended on the village.

He killed Mary Lou right there.

They said you were cursed and made me pay for it.

They wanted me to kill you, to kill my baby!

I didn't have the heart.

I sent you down the Crying River.

Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me, child?

Johnny Lesh got what he deserved. We buried him, chief.

But I guess you have the sultan's diamond.

You must give it back to us. This is no Indian-white man war, chief!

You're not our enemies. Especially if you're Suzan's dad..

Thanks, son.

But I have a weakness.

After losing my loved ones I turned to gambling.

I was left with no land, nothing.

Every night in Cannonball I sank deeper into ruin trying to win back my losses.

-Your diamond... -Yes?

-I just gambled that away too. -Agh!

-Where did it go? -To Lloyd.

Sheriff Lloyd has the diamond.

Unlucky in love, lucky in gambling!

Idiot! Screw your stick-on beard! Like I wouldn't realize!

Chuck! Let's hide this somewhere safe right away.

Aziz!

-Where are you going? -Back to Cannonball, Suzan.

-I'm coming too. -Spend some time with your dad.

We'll come and say goodbye as soon as we're done there.

Wait, guys! I lost the diamond, so I'll get it back!

How, chief? They want your head in town.

Just let them try!

Bravo.. Bravo, my boys!.. Bravo! You're looking good.

Chuck! Finish painting this one. Do these two as well.

Stick that on your head. That's it.

Nice!

Bravo.

Now listen carefully.

Do those war cries, whoop whoop, and stir up a scene.

Make the folks here think they're being routed by Indians.

OK?

Have you got that?

Hey, just a second. He's bringing the chief.

Huh? The guy still has his head on his shoulders.

Scram! Get out of here! Idiots!

Chuck! I'll high-whack you one! Go get me a cola, damn it!

The Sioux chief Red Rocks! Come along for a close-up look!

Suzan, we'll be right back.

Ah!

I know you! You married a white girl, but then they killed her!

The little girl vanished. I remember! She was from Greenville, right?

Baker! Come and take a photo of us. Is that all right?

OK, I'm doing it!

Get one of me too!

Now from here! Me and the chief. Another like this. And like this.

Now from the side! OK, enough! Stop! Good thing I said something.

Anyone else for a photo?

Right, join the line!

Stick it in here. Here you go.

What are you doing, man?

You shame yourself, Lesh!

I tell you to bring me his head and you make the guy famous!

It's scandalous! All those pictures he had taken!

Forget the cola now!

You said the chief had the diamond but I'm told you have it.

I never said the chief had it!

Anyway, have you done the job to be asking about the diamond?

Keep your nose out of this! It's between me and Johnny Lesh.

Forget Johnny Lesh! We're Ottomans. I'm Lemi Galip. And this isAziz Vefa.

Ottomans, huh?

I should have known from the accent. "Gala gulu, gala gulu.."

Let's have the diamond or I'll riddle you with bullets!

This star didn't just drop out of the sky, you know!

I'm the law here!

Want to shoot me and grab the diamond, huh?

Go on! Shoot if you dare!

Tell us where the diamond is or your man dies!

Fine, let him. Good riddance for the town.

Crazy Turks coming to play cowboys.. You think I'd fall for that?

I'll hide that diamond so well seven generations wouldn't find it.

-Go on, shoot! -Hand it over.

-Go on. -Hand it over.

-Go on. -Aziz, cool it!

-Go on. -Aziz, OK!

Aziz and Lemi...

I'll get 'Wanteds' out for them both, then the jerks will see what's coming!

Let's catch them ourselves, sheriff! They're right here.

Chuck..

Get that hand down!

Run and get me a cola, fast!

Just let the nectar slip down..

Hands off!

That's great, thanks.

So the chief has a few fans in town!

What's up? What did the sheriff say?

We'll talk back in the hotel. He won't say where it is.

Guys, it's a poker night. Give me a chance.

I'll get the diamond off him. Huh?

It says 'no feathers' on the door. I guess you didn't see it.

I'm here to clean you out, Lloyd. Underpants included! I've got cash.

Go on, sit down then, if you can hold a hand of cards.

Get lost!

Fruit sodas for the spectators! It's on me.

Cut the cards.

-I open with 100. -Call.

Three cards.

And three for me.

Another 250.

500.

Two pair, queens.

You win!

You took lessons from the totem pole?

-Manitu's on your side. -Another coffee!

Open a tab for the spectators! Enough! How many coffees is that?

Full house queens.

Full house nines.

-We're going out for a bit. -I'll be here.

Good man, chief!

It's going great.

-We're doing great, Aziz. -Really?

-It's amazing! He's cleaning up. -Ooh!

I want the diamond, Lloyd.

Wait.

-Aziz, throw me a tenner! -What's up?

Everything's fine. I'm raising the stakes.

Oh God, chief!

-Ah! -Ah!

-What's up? -Dad?

-Chief? -Everything's fine.

-Chief, what happened? -Dad?

'And while Isadora, brushed by the sweet breeze...

'... tried to hide her blushing cheeks... '

'... Jack grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him. '

'Their bodies merged, drawing their lips irresistibly together. '

'Jack was no longer just a cowboy. He was a man too. '

Oh my God! Show me a cowboy like that!

-Watch it! There's a man around! -Whoa.. Aziz!

-Are you reading a novel, Suzan? -Huh?.. I'm cleaning my gun.

How clean can a gun ever be?

Hey, you became a real cowboy with the banjo and stuff.

Get out of here! It's just boredom, that's all.

But it's not much good for our music. That's because the system's different.

-Our notes are kind of screwed up. -Screwed up? Hmm..

-You mean like me.. -Don't say that!

The musical system's different. You go Do-Re-Mi; we have commas.

Hah. You guys always say to watch out for Mi. Is that because of the commas?

Right. Like this, for example. Do.. Re..

Dooo.. Reee.. Miii... Miii.. Faa.. Mi..

-That's Mi?.. That was all Mi? -Exactly. Because of the commas.

I see. That's great.. Hey, play something, won't you?

-Shall I? -Go on.

OK, here goes..

Down to the railroad.. Ain't mamma let me go again..

Down to the..

Now something more our style..

I lament to no one..

I weep at my plight..

I shake like a criminal as I contemplate my future..

Wow!.. What weird lyrics, huh?

Yes, well they kind of lose meaning translated into English.

But it's like they describe me. 'I weep at my plight'.. Ha-ha..

-Why would you cry, Suzan? -Why wouldn't I, Aziz?

I'm 22 and I've only just found out my mum was a cancan girl...

...and my dad's an Indian.

My dad was a street porter. But mum had to carry the full load.

So?

Well, people used to tease me.

But in the end, he's a dad. You have to love him as he is.

-He's a bit of a gambler. -I'm talking about being Indian!

But so what if he's Indian or white?

Sooner or later everyone will realize the whole world is brothers.

-Oh yeah? The whole world brothers? -Except us two. Here..

Sure, you get odd incidents where people go for each other..

But you can't talk about world war. Has there been a world war up to now?

We're in the 19th century. Has there ever been a world war?

No. But that doesn't mean there never will be either.

Look, one or two is OK, Suzan.

Hold this.

It isn't just the notes. I guess you're 'comma-tose' too.

Of course I am..

I'm crazy about you!

Crazy about me?

But do you really think we're such a good match? Huh?

I mean.. It's like we're worlds apart.

For one thing, I chew tobacco. And you guys have banned tobacco.

Damn it! That was Murat IV! The 17th century!

Drop your preconceptions, will you!

If it's not camels, it's this ban or that ban. That's all bullshit!

And there's the four wives thing. What will you do?

Take another three and lock me up in the house?

They always go on about that. Four wives..

We have a character called Hürmüz of the Seven Husbands.

No one mentions her.

You're from the east for a start.

But that's exactly why you're right for me!

Horse, woman, gun! You have it all!

No. No, I know that story.

So what'll happen when you take me back?

Your elders won't want me. There'll be a big fuss.

I've already been dumped in the Crying River.

What are you going to do? Dump me in the Golden Horn?

If any guy did that to you, I'd sink them in the Golden Horn!

Not even the Japanese would haul him up 100 years from now.

Forget this east-west war. The east has its good sides too.

-Like what? -Like me.

-Your moustache is intriguing.. -So is yours, baby.

Another all-nighter.. There we go.

I've been playing years and he thinks he can wallop me! Jerk!

Hand these out to the poor.

Give the feathers to the women for stuffing pillows and whatnot.

It makes me crazy knowing he has the diamond...

...and not being able to get it.

Bonjour!

Morning, Aziz.

I'd blow his brains out, but where would that get us?

Just great! The chief blew all the money at poker last night.

I dropped by the tribe and got some stuff to wear.

I guess these are yours. The boys gave me them.

Sorry about that.

What's up? What's with the long faces?

Huh? What's up?

Maybe I can get something out of the sheriff.

-Using my feminine charm... -No! I won't allow it!

-What feminine charm, Suzan? -What's wrong with her feminine charm?

Everyone in town must work on it. Even the slightest clues may help.

Let's find out where he's hidden that diamond.

-My Indian instincts tell me... -Spare us, chief!

We saw those instincts last night.

-You're right, son. -Son?

Instincts..

Come on, guys! Let's go.

-How's things, Betty? -Come round, come round!

Did you make that?

Greetings to your mum.

Off you go now.

Father, I want to confess.

Man, haven't you drowned in sin by now?

So be it.. Get in there.

Why don't you stand up? Then I'll hear you better.

I'm standing already.

Forgive me.. What's your name?

Alejandro GomezArias Jose Lobredo Alfonzo Villa de Sandoz.

Damn your name! Keep it short. Come on, the metre's running!

-I stole Juan Jimenez Garcia's horses. -Keep going, son.

And I've killed the child inside me, father!

Agh!

Abortion.. The greatest sin of all!

-Will the good Lord forgive me? -Be strong and He will.

Now step outside.

God is always great. He's sure to forgive you.

Hands up!.. I arrest you in the name of the law!

Came to confess, did you? Asshole! That's one thing. This is another.

-Get moving! -Give me another chance, sheriff!

To hell with your chances!

Sheriff, could we settle it like this?

What the hell was that?

-Ah! Let me see your earrings! -Huh.. Sure, go ahead.

You never wear jewellery, Betty. How come?

Right. I'm the sheriff's wife but I have nothing to show for it.

That's crazy! The sheriff loves you. It's obvious.

He got you a diamond necklace, huh? It's the talk of the town.

Not for me. He's going to sell it. He wouldn't even let me try it on.

Of course he didn't. He's giving it to me.

He said so himself. He said he'd give it to me.

Well, fine..

Your dad has a diamond at home. Has he ever mentioned it?

What diamond? Mind your own business!

Anyway, dad said you'd be under American rule in 20 years.

He was talking about your mum when he said "American rule"!

-Get going! -Let's go, guys!

We loved it!

Fucking Chucky..

Almighty God..

These are the sins I've committed today.

Taking a bribe for the Jessys' land..

Groping the neighbour's girl, Mary Lane..

Taking a 20-buck backhander just now..

That's all I can think of for now.

-What's up? How did it go? -So-so.

I found out a few things. I had pie and stuff. You?

They said I'd get something out of the kids, but nothing.

I have another source anyway. Let's see.

-Do one for me, will you? -Really?

-Aziz! I'm going back to the hotel! -Agh!

-Ah! It's stuck. It's stuck. -Wait.

-Careful though. -Wait.

But wait.

Pull..

Agh!.. Ah!

Your moustache has gone too.

-Oh my gosh.. So how's it look? -Good.

-The earrings look great on you. -You think so?

But I didn't get to try any of that.

Well, we should be grateful for hairless mercies.

OK, then I'll.. I'll go back to the hotel.

-I should get cleaned up. -Off you go then.

His wife doesn't know a lot.

But he plans to sell the diamond, or so he said. That's a risk of course.

-Lemi? -Huh?

He muttered something in the church.

I tried getting a gramophone recording but the quality's terrible. Listen..

"The idiot stole milk and two goats he'd been herding on the mountain.."

-Nah. -No.

"Let it be my duty to shut them up.."

No.

"Soon as I've sold that diamond I'm out of here."

"The fuckers will never find me."

-Ah! -Yes!

That's it!

I got a photo of him on the sly, but it'll only be ready in 10 days.

On the sly?

What the hell was that?

Aha.

-Didn't you have some other source? -Right.

-I know where the diamond is. -How do you know?

I got it out of Chuck.

-Chuck, where's the diamond? -In the safe.

-So how do we get it from the safe? -We don't. He'll give it to us himself.

Here's the scheme I've dreamed up.

The Forty Rivers Oil Wrestling Championship.

-Oil wrestling.. -Aha.

We did it once too, but stopped when the oil ran out.

Huh?

What's 18 June? The liberation of Cannonball!

Who's the bastard scared of? The district governor.

Lemi, wire the governor right away.

'The Ottoman Sultan has declared Cannonball a twin town of Tophane. '

'A wrestling contest will be held on liberation day... '

'... with the prize of a diamond necklace. Your presence will be an honour, etc. '

Once it's signed Sheriff Lloyd we're all set.

Aziz, you're a genius. Bravo! It's brilliant.

You think it'll work?

-Fate will decide. -And the wrestling gear?

We'll fix that.

They're still hanging around.

They're up to something for sure. But we'll figure it out.

Chuck! Get me that list of deadly gangsters!

I need to find a wacko to even the score with them.

No, wrong one! Get me the one with mother and father killers!

Jesse James.. No, no good.

Billy the Kid.. Still wet round the ears.

Hoss from 'Bonanza'.. Who put this angel face in here?!

Take him out before the boy gets in trouble.

-That's the one.. Buck Berry! -Sorry, sheriff?

Chuck!

Keep still, damn it!

Buck Berry of Brokeback..

Only you can handle this, Buck Berry!

No hick shows up here and takes the law into his own hands! Right?

And there's that baldhead, right?

Just wipe the floor with him so I'm proud to be a Cannonballer!

-Selam aleykum! -Aleyk...

I hear you're holding a wrestling contest, sheriff.

-I've come to sign up for it. -Forget the wrestling and sit down.

Buck Berry of Brokeback.. Buck Berry has a complaint against you.

I'm a man of the law. It's not for me to get involved.

Buck Berry is challenging you to a duel.

I accept his challenge.

I gather you're Ottoman, Aziz Bey?

Yes, from Istanbul.

I've heard all about Istanbul's baths. Turkish hamams!

Yes. I'm actually from Samatya, but I have friends in Galata.

-If you're passing... -Ah! But I can't get away!

Always on horseback.. But a visit to the hamam, the heat, the lather..

But you sweat in a hamam.

-Ha-ha-ha! I know what you mean. -Well, I don't!

What's going on? What happened to the duel?

Such a fine gentleman can't be shot! Adrink in the saloon, Aziz Bey?

You go ahead. I'll join you later. I have respect for everyone.

Sheriff, put me down. Goodbye, God speed.

See you again. You can buy me a drink one day.

-With pleasure.. -Ah! I do hope so.

What the hell are you doing?

I say kill the guy and you're all set to get yourself killed! Pansy!

I'll ram you right here, sheriff! Stop getting on my nerves!

Aziz Efendi..

Aziz Efendi, you need breaking in. Let's practice and get you in shape.

Wait, don't oil me. Stop! You'll land me in trouble.

-Rub some on my back. -Wait! You don't know the story. Move!

-Who's that? -Get moving!

Bald or blind, only you can help yourself, as they say.

Look this way.

Look this way, damn it!

Go say the sheriff challenges him to a duel after evening prayer.

And you go to the bell tower as always.

OK, a little action now. Let's see you vamp it up.

Don't be jealous looking at us..

Find your match and be happy in marriage..

-Ha-pp-yy.. -Happy in marriage..

-Don't be... -Suzan.. Suzan!

-I found this at home. And an umbrella. -Thanks, Betty.

It'll be the first time I wear anything like this.

Take a look. What do you think?

-Come over here. -Aziz!

I hope you're not wasting your time. There's no answer to the telegram yet.

It'll come, baby. Hopefully..

-What happened to that horse stunt guy? -We're waiting for an answer.

Aziz, our poetry reader's here. Go on, sweetie.

An Apache weeps.. There are tears in his eyes..

-He was a lonesome.. -Aziz Bey!

What do you want?

Sheriff Lloyd challenges you to a duel on the square. At 6.00.

-Aziz.. Let me go instead. -I'll face the sheriff!

-Suzan, you can't risk your life! -Aziz, this is my game.

It's child's play for me. You can't pull a gun faster than me.

-I'm fast too! Look! -Hey! That's my gun.

Huh.

Go on, pull that gun. Let's see how fast you are.

Suzan, how can I pull a gun on you?

If you're faster than me, you can go to the duel. Now go on!

-Suzan.. -Go on!

-Chief.. -Go on!

-Chuck! -Lemi!

-Go on! -Make up your fucking minds!

Tell the sheriff he'll be taking on Suzan Van Dyke.

Let me check up on that crazy man of mine.

-Child.. -Dad..

Aziz..

Look here! If you put this in your memoirs, I'll kill you!

This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come..

Get out of here!

Hey, what's that vulture doing?

-Hey, what are you doing? -Measuring the lady.. For the coffin.

If you need measurements, I'll do it. Here.. 25 cm. Beat it!

Suzan, I'm going to give you my mum's talisman.

It'll protect you from all danger.

Maybe not. OK. I love you, Suzan.

-I love you too, Aziz. -Hey, come on, baldhead!

Clear off or you'll get a knife in your ass.

-Clear off too, you lot. -Good luck!

When the duel's done just get the fuck out of town!

There!.. On the roof!

Agh!

That was so predictable coming from you.

Son of a bitch!

-Suzan.. -Aziz!

-Aziz, here's your mirror back. -Good job, Johnnie!

Actions speak louder than words.

A man's rank of mind is mirrored in his deeds.. Nice work, Johnnie!

This sorry mind is unequal to such wit for the balance cannot bear the weight.

Ziya Pasha..

That's my man!

Sheriff Lloyd? There's a telegram for you.

Get away!

The governor's office, it says..

An invitation, huh?.. Kirkpinar oil wrestling..

Under the patronage of the great Ottoman sultan, huh?

And it says I organized it!

Whoever sent the telegram can rot in hell!

Governor Wilson is coming. The mayor will show up.

There'll be people from the district governor's office.

How can I give away that huge diamond with my own hands?

-God! Just be rid of it! -Fuck you and your vinegar water!

-Hey! Go play outside! This minute! -Go on, hit him! Hit the boy!

Hit him on the head so he's crazy like his brother.

What am I going to do?

I'm losing it. They'll all be here tomorrow.

I'll kill myself.. I'll kill myself!

It's not so easy, miss. The thing's like a chandelier crystal.

-Hey, what did you say? -Chandelier crystal!

-Nice one, Chuck!.. High five! -Please, sheriff!

I mean it for real this time.

Agh!

Fuck your dad's enemies!

Achandelier crystal, right? Ha ha ha!

Your local costumes are great too.

-You could be a bridegroom! -Thanks, chief.

-How do I look, dad? -As beautiful as your mum, sweetie.

OK, I'm going in there.

-OK, good luck. -Thanks, baby.

-Lemi! -Aziz?

-Guess who's here? -Who?

Buffalo Bill! You're doing the opening speech.

So this is the real McCoy..

Then it's the horseback cowboy. I gave him money..

-And here I am, honey.. -Nice! Off to your horse!

The governor's here. The governor!

The governor!

Lemi Galip, sir. From the Treasury.. Welcome!

Aziz Vefa from intelligence. But that's a secret.

-Good to meet you. -Welcome.

Mr Governor. William Lloyd, sheriff of Cannonball.

-Good to meet you. -And I'm his wife, Betty Lloyd.

-A pleasure, lady. -It's all clean. Please have a seat.

Please.. Go ahead.. I've organized everything!

Get up from there! You're sitting somewhere else.

Get out of here!

Mr Governor, we've been buddies with our Indian brothers for years.

I'd also like to give you the prize we'll be presenting to the winner.

Thanks.

-Sir, we're starting. -Go ahead.

One, two, testing.. One, two, testing.. Testing..

Aziz..

Ya yay..

Mr Governor.. Mr District Governor.. Mr Mayor..

Our Indian brothers and sisters.. And people of Cannonball..

I'm looking around to see if I've forgotten anyone.

Since our sultan has declared the Istanbul district of Tophane..

...to be a twin town of this distinguished community...

...I am delighted now to present a pageant...

...of the liberation of Cannonball from enemy forces by the home guard.

An Apache weeps.. There are tears in his eyes..

He was a lonesome cowboy.. He rode over mountains..

Weep, cowboy, weep! Let me weep too!

Let me give you a patch of these lands!

Get up and do something too. Go on! We need to get in with the governor.

American cowboys ride around with no underpants, bareback..

And now for Suzan Van Dyke's shooting show!

Get out there! Quick! Mind you don't shoot the governor.

Five minutes to go, guys.

Wrestler!.. Wrestler! The gallant are out there!

Every one as manly as the next..

Kick like horses.. Fight like lions..

Here you have the arena.. And here the wrestlers.

Don't waver if you're underneath.. Don't swagger if you're on top..

Grab his crotch if you're underneath..

Get a hand in his pants if you're on top..

The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!

Nice one, Aziz!

-What does the winner get? -His head.. What's it to you?

Watch the show!

The winner is.. Little Joe!

The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!

The winner is.. Dumb John!

-Go for it, Aziz!.. Bravo! -The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!

The winner is.. Big Ben!

Nice work, Aziz!

Are you really thrashing them or are they just being nice?

They're being nice.

-We've got the diamond, Aziz. Huh? -Right.

-There's just a small detail left. -What, him?

No, not him. That guy.

What do you want? He's oily enough. Go away!

Go on, Aziz! You're doing great. Good luck!

Bravo, Aziz! Bravo!

-Is he dead? -No.

I fed him two bowls of beans before the contest.

He did well to last that long.

The winner of the contest.. Aziz Vefa!

Come on, Aziz. The governor's waiting.

I'm so happy, OSuzan.

Well done, baldhead. Congratulations.

You won with your own hands.

Mr Governor, please, you do the honours. Here you are.

-Congratulations, Aziz Bey. -Thanks, sir.

How do you say? You've won a great victory in this arena.

So I present you with this prize. Here you are.

-Aziz Bey? -Have a seat.

-Aziz, the diamond's a fake. -I can tell.

-The real diamond's in the safe. -I think I know where the key is.

How come?

-I got it out of Chuck. -You got it out of Chuck?

-Chuck! Where's the diamond? -In the safe.

-Where's the key? -Up the sheriff's ass.

Fuck you!

I didn't take him seriously at first. But it all falls into place now.

Wait here.

-Mr Governor? -Yes?

If I may, I'd like to challenge Sheriff Lloyd to a show fight.

Of course, as you wish.

-Get going, crook! -But Mr Governor...

-Bring the gear! -But Mr Governor..

Roll the drums!

Lloyd!

Hey, I may have a gammy leg, but you've asked for it, baldhead.

Come on then.. Third world citizen!

There's only one world in my book. And you have no place in it, Lloyd!

-I'll go to the moon then. -You'd say you did, even if you hadn't.

Shut up! Shitty assed imperialist!

You'll get your asses kicked out of the Balkans in the next 50 years!

-Then you'll have your ass in a sling! -No chance!

-Ah! -Ah!

Hey! Get out of there! That's my goddamn boner!

Suzan!

The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!

Feeling better now?

Chief.. He's all yours!

And now, the wedding duet!

I'm so sick of singlehood..

I get no thrill from mistresses..

I'm so sick of singlehood..

I get no thrill from mistresses..

All I want now is to marry..

But where to find a suitable girl?

All I want now is to marry..

But where to find a suitable girl?

I'm so sick of singlehood..

I get no thrill from lovers..

All I want now is to marry..

But where to find a suitable man?

-What was your name, young fellow? -Chuck.

You've got it coming!

But where to find a suitable man?

Here's a girl, a tiny thing..

Will she love me, if I ask?

Here's a girl, a tiny thing..

Will she love me, if I ask?

Mademoiselle, will you give me your hand?

Take my hand now you've won my heart..

Mademoiselle, will you give me your hand?

Take my hand now you've won my heart..

Now I've found my love at last..

You're my blessing from heaven..

Open your arms, fall into my embrace..

May your turn come next if you're single..

Don't be jealous looking at us..

Find your match and be happy in marriage..

Don't be jealous looking at us..

Find your match and be happy in marriage..

Tell him about the woman. She almost had him in the coach!

Aziz Efendi, enough of the jokes. There was this woman.

Hmmm..

Hey! The kid from the church! You made it to the White House, huh?

-Nice work! -This is nothing yet.

I'm just pissing in their lemonade for now.

Just wait for the rest..

Well, thanks for that!

Ah! What are you doing here?

Didn't I tell you greater things were to come?

Cheers.

The president, James Abraham Garfield..

Lemi..

Late as it is, I'd like to present the gift of our sultan..

-Here you are. -As a token of our friendship..

Whoa! Incredible! Where did you find this, huh?

You didn't steal it, did you?

-Do you have things like this? -It's a gift from the sultan's heart.

Fine, but I can't wear this. Isn't that right, Benson?

Now, I have a question for you. Are there camels where you come from?

-Yes, there are. But not your size. -Fine then.

Aziz Bey, a small gift for you from the White House.

Considering you're bound to get your babooshes stolen on the way...

...at least you won't return barefoot!

Aziz, don't lose your rag.

Mr President, let me give you an answer.

Bare of foot and bald of head we toured the western realm..

Some was mild, some was wild, some was fine of pen..

You merit the name 'jackass' but let's keep it at 'jack'..

Hand over your shit boots, at least they're a gift back..

High-five, Lemi!

So that's the story Vedat. In fact...

...you'll find Aziz's coup de grace to the president...

...written here in old Turkish. I mean, the whole thing is...

-For real. -For real, exactly.

Here, let's have a look.

-Here. The old Turkish. -Wow.. Extraordinary.

Terrific.

Hey, Zeki, you tell a great story. You had us on the edge of our seats.

So what do you want for the boots?

Twenty.

-Twenty what? -Afyon dinars!

20,000 bucks. But believe me, that's just for you.

Alpay knows this.

Vedat, if I didn't need the money I seriously wouldn't be selling them.

They're worth a fortune.

Well, Zeki.. I mean, if it was the diamond..

All that stuff's in the museums. So I don't get to see it either.

Just kidding. But to be honest I'm not that interested in the boots.

-You should find a collector. -Right.

-So you're not interested. -I'm afraid not.

-Alpay, OK with you? -Sure.

Vedat, there's something else I thought might grab your interest.

Now this is an emerald encrusted...

-... a solid emerald nunchaku. -Whoa!

-You brought the mimchika? -Nunchaku, not mimchika.

Did you mean 'mimchika'? This nunchaku is solid emerald.

It was a gift of the sultan to the emperor of China.

And what they've done is, these emeralds...

-Yes? -I'll only go on if you're a buyer.

Well, go on then.

The sultan summons Aziz and Lemi before him...

Whatever the hell they put in this, it gives a wicked buzz.

-A pat on the ass to the makers! -Enjoy!

-You want the formula? -Go on.

Here!

No, not that. Have you never seen Istanbul?

No, but some friends went to Bodrum and talked about it a lot.

They said the nuts there were a sad sack.

Nuts do become a sad sack. Why wouldn't they?

Look, if you have children, don't give my grandkids crazy names.

-What names are OK, dad? -Tongue & Cheese.

-How do you mean? -Red Rocks, Bambi, Tongue & Cheese..

-You don't think? -Do you?

No.

Chuck!

-Did you find this woman? -Nah.

See this woman? She's wanted..

Suzan, I so want to be like you, to be the voice of the townswomen.

With that voice?

My view is you should take on the good things about the east.

My ancestors are said to come from Central Asia, you know?

Huh.. I can tell.

You can tell from the accent, right?

Huh.

So it slips out however careful I am..

I want to unload my sins, father.

Here.

Can you do it with this?

By yourself, over in the corner. Go on.. Go on now.

Ah, woman, ah!

You went before your time and left me with a goddamn crazy.

Agh!

Even if it was a joke, I hope you won't lock me in a cage once we're married.

Baby, I'd keep lions if I had a thing for cages.

Well... That makes sense.

I mean, if worse comes to worst, my parents have a house in Samatya.

-We'll live there. -You mean with the mother-in-law?

OK, we'll do it like this. I'll buy you a mansion in Emirgan.

You can live there. With a library. So you can read about music lore..

Right.. So you mean there's no escaping the law, huh?

Well, musically speaking, yes.

Do-oo re-ee mi-ii fa mi-ii..

-You're in pain? -Just screwed up..

La mii-ii..

Hey, not like that. Forwards first.. Like this.

-But we never used it in the film. -We didn't get to shoot once, fuck it!

Well, it's the critics that count.

I'm giving up anyway. This is the last comedy I do.

You're leaving comedy. Leaving it to who?

Man, don't ask questions. I'm not ready for that yet.

Anyway, we finished the whole film without any disasters.

Right, thank God for that.

-Agh! -Fuck!

Agh!

Agh!

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