Original subtitles

- GARY: This is Sheikh Muhammed Hamid. - Sheikh Hamid,

I am so sorry for your loss.

You did such important work together

- in the field of... - Human trafficking.

import-export.

My sympathies.

- Oh, scary. - Oh, my God.

It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here.

I hope we don't drone this place while we're in it.

- Okay, let's just go this way. - Yes.

(GASPS) No, no, no, no, no.

That's Colonel Omar Al-Saleh.

He's a Sudanese warlord.

You cannot have a photo with him.

He's dressed like a doorman.

Oh, hey, Lu.

I've tried to call you many times.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

- The president wishes to express... - You know what?

I know that you speak English.

If you don't wanna talk about Tibet, that's fine.

You can just say that. You can be direct.

- (SPEAKING MANDARIN) - Good-bye.

- You don't just forget English. - Mm-mm.

He just went full Chinaman on me.

Okay, this is Ambassador Al Jaffar's nephew.

I know you! I didn't recognize you with your little hat.

I'm... I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, well, I have a dozen uncles.

- One less, more for the rest, right? - (CHUCKLES) Okay.

You know, I saw you speaking to President Lu.

I wanted to express my sympathies

for how everything unfolded with Tibet.

Oh, yeah, well, tell it to that ingrate, the Dalai Lama.

I guess he'll be thanking me in his next life.

I would love to keep chatting,

but the Israeli Trade Representative is headed this way.

So, let us hope to see each other again.

Let's hope.

- Madam, President, I'm sorry. - Yes?

Mamnoon Akhtar from Pakistan would like a photo with his brother.

- Yeah. Shake? - He's an ambassador.

- No, do I shake his hand? - No, better not.

Okay. Everyone say goat cheese!

- (SHUTTER CLICKS) - Good!

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

CATHERINE: I'm nervous.

Should I go? Okay. Mom, we have some really exciting news.

Okay, Catherine, I think there's something wrong with your microphone, honey,

because your voice sounds very whiny.

No.

I think maybe it's the connection, so can you...?

No, it's crystal clear on our end, ma'am.

- Like Catherine's eyes. - Oh, yeah, well, you sound the same.

Mom, Marjorie and I wanted to be the first to tell you...

Ma'am, you gotta see this.

- that we're pregnant! - Oh, fuck!

- Mom? - Oh, how could this happen?!

Show her the poster. Look!

- BOTH: Congratulations, Grandma! - Oh, yay!

- Maybe I can stop masturbating now. - I can't... no, no!

- Just hang up on her. - Richard, no, no, no!

"Uproar over a photo that shows former President Selina Meyer

smiling with Sudanese strongman

Colonel Omar Al-Saleh, the 'Butcher of Juba.'"

Omar Al-Saleh bombed his own people.

He is a bomber and a photobomber!

My international reputation is literally the only thing that I have left now.

That is not true. You have amazing calves.

Okay, what are we gonna do here? I mean, what is the opposite of a warlord?

- A peace lady? - Yes, thank you very much, Richard!

Richard is thinking. He understands.

We need a female hero that we can wash away this warlord crap with.

And why don't you have your phone right now?

I... didn't bring it.

I don't have international data, ma'am.

Mike! Please!

Srey Lim, she's a Cambodian rights activist.

- Perfect. - Oh, she was born with no legs.

What? Well, that's not gonna work, is it?

- I know. - How can I even do a walk and talk?

I can't be with somebody who's physically disfigured.

- I know you can't. - It makes me feel sick, okay?

Umida Giyazde.

- She's an Uzbek free speech advocate. - Fine.

Oh, no, scarred in an acid attack.

- Oh. - You know, there's Daw Miya Khaing.

Oh, never mind. She was executed.

- Unless... no, that's crazy. - Damn it, I'm roaming.

- I can't afford to roam! - We got it, we got it.

Nyaring Ayun,

women's rights dissident from... get this... the Sudan!

Oh, really?

Yeah, she's currently under house arrest

for opposing the very warlord who photobombed you.

- Oh, my God. - Full quota of limbs.

- She's got a whole face. - How do you take the battery out?

- That doesn't come out. - As a girl, she was forced to undergo

the traditional female genital cutting.

Ugh, God! Well, that's not gonna be on camera, so.

- Just set it up. That's perfect. - AMY: All right.

God, why am I downloading a movie?

Gary? I can't get this... okay, something's...

- Let's flip you over. - What? Oh.

Yeah, that's it. We're not going back now. We're going to the Sudan.

- So I'm gonna need plenty of... - Of Purell.

I gotta find a Boost Mobile store.

It's too bad we won't have time to see the camel races.

They're saying that Hamlool could be the next Al Misk.

JONAH: And plus, the day after Daylight Saving Time,

you're all messed up.

One time, my mom brought in my breakfast an hour late like an idiot,

so I just threw it on the floor and I said,

"Mom, if I wanted to eat this, I would've eaten it an hour ago."

But it threw off my whole bathroom schedule

and I ended up having to poop in a Sunoco bathroom.

- Can you believe that? - GELLARDI: Jonah,

we have to expand to other issues

that matter in our districts.

To the working people of America.

Ugh, God, snore.

You know what we really need? A cool name.

Libertonians. Says what we're about.

No, it sounds like a gay a cappella group.

I got it... the Beltway Boys.

Jesus Christ, are you tag-teaming this?

Those are awful.

I got it.

How about the Jeffersons?

- Oh. - Hmm?

Oh, that's pretty good, but it also... you know this...

it happens to be the name of a...

President! Yeah, that's exactly why I like it, Jaeger.

Tommy J, he's not all played out like George Washington or Hamilton.

Hamilton wasn't a president.

Then why the fuck did they write a musical about him?!

No, he was our first Puerto Rican president.

Ooh, the Washingtones.

No, I am the white Hamilton of the Jeffersons,

and that's our name.

- To the Jeffersons. - Ugh.

ALL: To the Jeffersons.

That's right, nobody's gonna keep us down

because we are moving on up.

- The Capitol Hills. - SPENCER: Hey!

- Or should I say... - JONAH: Stop, no.

- ♪ The Capitol Hills. ♪ - God damn it, shut up.

Hey, what do you think of my tie?

I designed it myself.

I call it Yoloha.

It's a combination of YOLO and aloha.

Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad.

Aw!

Which is a combination of retarded and sad.

Getting soft, Danny boy? Keep it tight for Jane.

Okay, first of all, I never miss a glutes day.

And second of all, everyone, Jane and I are not f...

ah, forget it.

Honestly, if you fucked in front of us,

it'd be more dignified.

Ah, like gorillas at the zoo.

Fuck you, Buzzy. Stevie, look, man,

- I can't take it anymore, dude. - I'm sorry about the temperature.

Jane just thinks the cold makes her and

Brie's nipples pop more, and she's not wrong.

No, man. Look, I'm talking about Jane.

All right? The constant ass-grabbing, it's like sexual harassment!

And what do you want me to do about it?

- You're the producer of the show, man! - I didn't ask for this, okay?

- Get her to cut it out! - Hey, boys.

- Hey, morning, Brie. - Hey, Brie.

- That's a lovely top. - Oh, thanks, Dan.

Yeah.

I'll get it down by another three degrees.

Yoloha.

STEVIE: We're back in 10!

- Hi, handsome. - Hello, pretty.

Ah, it's nice and chilly in here.

STEVIE: We are back in three, two...

Hello! Oh, I like your puffy hairdo. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my goodness!

Is this for me? Thank you, darling.

Do we have a photographer? 'Cause I don't wanna do this again.

- Gonna snap some for you right now. - Get a picture of this.

It's very sweet and thoughtful of you.

- Oop, I did a selfie. - I don't know what this is.

Is it something that you eat or is it something you already ate?

Back in America, people are always telling me to go back to Africa.

I'm actually glad I did, 'cause it's magical out here.

- Yeah. - Look at you.

A beautiful Western woman helping out world sufferers in a stunning Gucci scarf.

I know! It's sort of like a "Vogue" shoot.

It really is.

- Okay, watch out. The dog, the dog. - Oh, shit.

- I got a surprise for you. - What?

We are surrounded by land mines.

You're just like Princess Di. (CHUCKLES)

- But with a better nose, of course. - Oh, stop it.

- You are! - Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just go ahead, though?

- What? - Yep, good idea.

- You go ahead. - We'll be right behind you.

You know what? We should back up a tad. Back up, kids.

Gary, be careful 'cause I've got a lot of valuable stuff in that bag!

KENT: The congressman is out at the moment.

The Wisconsin delegation was giving out cheese curds.

Yeah, he actually slipped on the rug hightailing it out of here.

Listen, I'm 15 votes shy on the DOT appropriations bill.

It's crucial to our nation's transportation system

that Dayton Municipal Airport isn't shut down.

These small commuter airports are our country's life blood.

I'm assuming you fly direct into Dayton?

- Every other Friday. - JONAH: Congressman Furlong.

Hey, did you get your curds, Little Miss Muffless?

You know, Will here can't eat cheese.

What happens when you eat cheese, Will?

I go poo-poo in my panty-wanties.

No, you fucking idiot. With the pinky, with the pinky.

Do it again. What happens when you eat cheese, Will?

I go poo-poo in my panty-wanties.

No, they were out of curds before I got there.

Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list.

- You want me to bump Sammy Hagar? - Make them 1A and 1B.

All right, I need you and your buddies from the Island of Misfit Toys...

Isle.

to vote for my airport bill.

- Wait, so you need something from me? - Oh, no, it understands.

So, that means I get something from you.

You are going to invite me to dinner at your house

or I am going to fuck all your shit up.

- And you're gonna make me the paella. - You play with the paella?

Mrs. Furlong is only interested in hosting married couples,

and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

- I'm coming, too. - Whoa, what's this,

the fourth horseface of the Apocalypse?

Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex,

just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Um, this is Shawnee Tanz,

daughter of Sherman Tanz.

- Ah, Ms. Tanz! - (CHUCKLES)

Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated.

Yeah, he's bringing me to dinner.

We're engaged.

Wait, what? We are?

There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's.

Pick it up by 6:00. It's already paid for.

FURLONG: Fine, dinner, my house.

Will one of you please bathe and dress him?

I call dress. Sorry, Kent.

- Mazel tov. - JONAH: Thanks, Will.

Babe, this is so exciting!

I know. Can you believe it? Yay.

Good things happen to good people.

So, where are you taking us?

Do we have a house arrest address or what?

- I'd love me some house arrest. - Are you kidding me, Mike?

You look like an old Dyke in an English gardening show.

Oh, here we go! Nyaring!

- Madam President. - Madam President.

I thought you weren't allowed outside.

She hasn't been released, has she?

- Can't go past the goat. Come! - Oh, okay.

This goat has an ear infection.

Nyaring, your courage is an inspiration to the world.

And so I give you this peace lily

as a symbol of your brave stand for freedom.

- Oh, and for peace, too. - It needs to be watered twice daily.

- We have no water here. - Okay.

Oh. Oh, well, that's fine.

- We can just put it with the recycling. - That is my bed.

Oh. Wow, it... wow, that's a cozy bed.

Come, let me serve my American visitors tea

while over half the Sudanese suffer in starvation.

(SPEAKING DINKA)

GARY: She's kind of a bitch.

Well, the girl is slow with the tea.

Okay, I will sit.

- Thank you very much. - Oh, my!

Look at those curtains. Where can I get those?

I made them from my husband's death shroud.

- GARY: Wow, look at you! - What a touching tribute, Nyaring.

No, it was a purposeful desecration

of the man who beat and raped me.

Well, they go with everything.

Under Colonel Al-Saleh,

the oppression of women has been growing year after year.

Absolutely, and that is why this photo opportunity is so vital.

- It sends a "Po-ent" message... - Potent.

potent indeed... to the world

to topple the patriarchy.

Yes. How do we do that?

Well, we are gonna figure that out.

- You know, I think we have to... - We do. I'm sorry very much.

There seems to be a problem with the plane.

What?

You know that little animal that Nathan Lane plays in "The Lion King"?

- Oh, I love that guy! - Yes, yes.

Uh, so, three of those got caught in the engine.

- Oh. - Do we know anybody with a plane

in this neck of the woods?

Jaffar, thank you so much

- for sending your giant, giant plane. - Oh, no, no, please.

A beautiful woman lost in the desert

with only a small group of complete incompetents to assist her?

Yeah, they really are incompetent, aren't they?

I've never seen anything quite like it, frankly. How do you do it?

- I'm gonna let them all go. - But, you know, I was very pleased

to receive your call.

Oh, really? Why was that?

Well, there have been some interesting developments in Sudan

ever since that photo came out of you and the warlord.

Oh, mm.

You know, Sudan has significant deposits

of chromium ore, gallium, zinc, as well as other natural resources.

Let me guess, resources another country

might be desperate to get their hands on?

Perhaps even your friends in China?

Beautiful and brilliant.

Well, I remembered you Qataris are very wet-fingered.

You have no idea.

JAFFAR: You know, you don't have to go so soon.

I bet you say that to all your Western heretics.

We could just discuss registering cargo ships in Panama.

Well, I think Liberia would be better for tax reasons.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

- Can you help me unzip the zipper? - (CHUCKLES) Of course.

Hey, Dan, could we talk to you for a moment?

- Yeah, what's...? - Hi, Mr. Egan.

I'm Roberta Winston.

I work in the Department of Human Resources here at CBS.

I'm here to discuss the allegations of sexual harassment...

Okay, that wardrobe girl is crazy.

No, no, no... that you made against Jane McCabe.

What? Uh... oh.

Well, I didn't mean...

Mr. Egan, CBS policy requires

that when a victim reports abuse,

it sets in motion a chain of events

that can result in the abuser's suspension

or immediate termination.

- Oh, yeah, I'm cool with that. - JANE: Danny?

Your exposé on s'mores,

it needs a stronger take...

- oh. - Oh, Christ.

Excuse me, what is going on here?

Excuse me, Ms. McCabe, but this is a private meeting.

There are no private meetings at the "CBS Morning Show" without Jane McCabe.

Well, Mr. Egan has filed a complaint

that you have created a sexually inappropriate workplace environment.

- Yeah, Jane, they made me. - Sexually inappropriate?!

You microdicked weasel, you couldn't even fill my pisshole.

- Jesus, Jane! - Do you see how she talks to me?

- Ms. McCabe, this is a safe space... - Oh, you fucking people!

- I'm sorry, what?! - Oh, you know, the HR people.

Ms. McCabe, let me advise you that any further statement...

Let me advise you that I built this goddamn network with my own two tits!

- We aren't even fucking! - Oh, how dare you?

Ms. McCabe, everyone knows.

AMY: Ma'am, the President of Egypt

is expecting your call at 3:00 PM.

Okay, send his mistress a gift.

Maybe something from Neiman's.

Oh, no, wait.

Any department store that wasn't started by Jews.

I will have to start one myself.

Now, I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.

- Okay. - And I have to find out,

what's Qatari for "morning after pill"?

- Oh, my God. - It's probably a stoning,

which would also do the trick.

Whoa, Mike! What happened?

You look like the business end of a baboon.

My ear tops burn the worst, too.

But they're starting to peel, so soon, they won't be as red.

- Be as red. Be as red. - What?

You know, when I talk, I can hear my skin crunch.

- SELINA: Oh... Lord. - Makes me wanna eat cereal.

AMY: Ma'am, are you sure that you wanna go out

on such a limb for Ambassador Jaffar?

Well...

Ben says Qataris are very good at inserting themselves.

- You got that right. - Be as red.

- Be as red. - Ma'am, what I'm trying to ask is...

I know, you think I'm going a little too fast with Jaffar.

- I'm not! - No.

Now, Amy, for the first time in a long time,

- I feel like myself. - Mm-hmm.

Or, you know, at least the person I'm supposed to feel like.

Anyway, the only question that I do have is

do you think that I can be dating someone who's...

- So much younger? - No, Muslim.

- Right. - You know?

Can I be with one of them?

It would be political suicide.

Oh, pfft, okay, last time I checked,

my political career had answered a craigslist ad

for a modeling shoot in the Angeles National Forest.

SELINA: The Egyptians are in.

All China has to do is throw in a few hundred FN-6 missiles

and this deal is Mao Ze-done, baby.

Those Sphinx-fuckers really love them some Chinese takeout.

- I'll let the Algerians know it's on. - All right.

This is what the Arab Spring was all about...

arms deals and the exploitation of third world resources.

- (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) - Ah!

- Here's the Chinese. - Mm.

Look, even their blinker is on.

Selina, my good friend.

Somebody's been using their Rosetta Stone CDs.

- Come, let's head inside. - Yeah, kind of a dicey neighborhood.

- You better lock up your chopper. - Oh. (CHUCKLES)

- How you doing? - Pretty good.

Listen, it's also essential to the Egyptians

that the Israelis can't know.

(WHISPERS) Maybe they're listening right now.

(ALL LAUGH)

- So, do we have a deal? - There is one more thing.

- I want Tibet. - We gave you Tibet.

No, you gave Montez Tibet.

You gave me yak shit.

You're an infuriating woman.

Oh, yeah, you're all rainbows and sunshine.

But unless you're planning on knitting your semiconductors

out of bamboo shoots and panda cock,

you're gonna need every ounce of gallium you can get in Sudan.

- Well, there are other sources. - Rots of ruck with that.

What's gonna happen when your honorable citizens

can't put their kung pao chicken on the table

and start to question this communist-capitalist shit swirly

you've been serving up?

Yu must really crave public acknowledgment.

Oh, yeah, and you must really crave a 6.7 GDP growth.

(SIGHS)

- Deal. - Fantastic.

- Madam President, always a pleasure. - Yeah, always a pleasure.

Thank you, Lu.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

- (CLAPS, LAUGHS) - Confucius say fuck, yeah!

- We must celebrate, huh? - How about that? Yeah!

- Come on. - Isn't this a rush or what?

Don't you feel it? I just want a tiny, tiny bit.

I don't want this whole evening to go all Natalie Wood on me.

- Come here, you. - Wait a minute, what is this?

JAFFAR: What?

- (REMOTE CLICKS) - when US President Laura Montez

flew directly to Sudan from the G7 summit

to meet with her in person.

Mohammad H. Christ, that's my dissident.

I am honored to introduce the world to Nyaring.

- What? - And to present her with these flowers.

President Montez did, however, face a wave of criticism in America...

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

for what was seen as a missed opportunity...

- (SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE) - to directly address

the issue of women's rights abuses...

- All right, you know what I'm gonna do? - (TV MUTES)

- What? - I'm going back to motherfucking Sudan.

But you were just there. Aren't you having a good time?

Absolutely, and I'm gonna say

what Titty Gonzalez was too chicken-shit to say.

Selina Meyer is gonna be all about women empowerment now.

- I want voting rights. - Mm-hmm.

I want equal pay.

No more stoning of the rapee.

Let's stone the raper!

I suppose you'll be needing my plane?

- Pretty please? - Well, when you say it like that.

(CHATTER)

I wanna say something about my paella.

Now, it is so good, when you taste it,

what's gonna happen, Will?

You're gonna wanna take it to a church and marry it, Rog.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - FURLONG: Damn straight!

Roger, that's a dollar in the swear jar.

- Aw, crud. - That's $2!

- What? - Potty mouth, potty mouth, Roger.

Ah, Julie points out that to be a true Valenciana,

one must add live snails just as the water comes to a boil.

Still, respect.

FURLONG: Hey, wait, before we dig in,

I'd like to make a toast to our honored guest, Jonah,

and his stunning bride-to-be,

and all their gracious help with my airport bill.

- Hear, hear. - ALL: Cheers!

Cheers.

JONAH: You know, Roger, I've been thinking

that for somebody who has been so helpful on your bill,

I should probably have a better office

than the fifth floor of the Cannon Building, don't you think?

- SHAWNEE: Mm-hmm. - Well, that's interesting.

Yeah, well, this actually is pretty interesting.

- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, Jonah, why don't you and I

go down in the wine cellar and pick out another bottle of wine?

- What do you say, champ? - No, I'm good.

- Aw, it'd just take a minute. - No, I think I'm fine.

- I'm just fine right here. - This is so delicious.

Shh, please, don't ruin this, too, okay?

Jiminy Cricket, guess who forgot to cut up oranges for the sangria.

- This gal right here! - (ALL LAUGHING)

Whack-a-doo! What?

I tell ya, if her crucifix wasn't around her neck, she'd lose it.

- You know, I can help you back there. - No, no, no.

Shh, shh. You stay seated. Enjoy!

- No, please don't go. - Thanks, honey!

All right, you anal fistula, we had a deal

in return for all this creamy domesticity

I'm blowing all over your droopy tits!

Well, now I want a new office.

And I want Rihanna to put a gun to my head while she makes me eat her out,

but guess what, that's about as likely to happen

as Will's wife putting a baby in her polyp festival of a uterus!

- SHAWNEE: Jesus Christ. - Why did you tell him that?

- JONAH: What's a polyp? - I just had to tell somebody.

I would sooner gouge out your eye and fuck your skull

from here to the end of time.

That's what we're promised, that Jesus is our Lord.

MRS. FURLONG: Hallelujah. Amen, Dad.

That is just so moving!

- Sorry I missed that! - I loved that, too.

Jonah has called an early breakfast meeting

of the Jeffersons on Tuesday morning.

Wait, I have? Come on, how early?

And if he has to walk down five flights of stairs,

he might get so tired that he forgets to tell them

how to vote on your airport bill.

- I can just write it on my hand. - Shh!

We don't want that, do we?

Say, Jonah, how about I start looking

for that new office for you first thing tomorrow?

- MRS. FURLONG: Mm! - Thank you, Roger.

Wow! Congratulations, honey!

Thank you, Mrs. Furlong. Thank you.

Can I please have some more wine?

Mike, come on. What is this?

Ma'am, it's the only sunscreen I could find here.

You look like the world's least-fucked geisha.

- Ugh. - Oh, Nyaring!

- I am back. - You are back.

President Montez came to see me.

Oh, I had not heard that.

- She has such wonderful hair. - Oh, luxurious.

But I did bring you a gift.

And...

Uh, your countrymen have sent thousands of flowers.

Now they rot in the heat. Many have fallen ill.

- There has been one death. - Oh, okay.

Everyone, I'm so honored to be here.

Nyaring, I have come to do what President Montez did not do.

I will speak on behalf of our sisters, Nyaring.

- Amen, amen. - Yes, absolutely.

Oh, right, um,

I'll just give it a little toss right...

- (APPLAUSE) - Aw, thank you.

What happened to the little girl who served us tea?

I don't see her.

Oh, she was married to the village elder.

- Ah. - Saturday.

Well, please send along my congratulations.

Oh, God.

SELINA: How did you get me such a great speaking slot so last-minute?

It's an Arab conference on human rights.

You can pretty much have any slot you want.

Yeah.

- After the men, of course. - Right.

Ma'am, here's your speech. Sorry about the hummus stains.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Turns out it wasn't zinc oxide. I was wearing cocoa butter.

You look like redheaded bacon.

- Okay. - Stop!

This is very strong stuff.

- Thank you, ma'am. - NuvaRing is gonna dig this a lot.

- It's Nyaring. - Ma'am, I'm just so optimistic

about the world we're creating for your coming grandchild.

Wait, what? Catherine's pregnant?

Ma'am, do you prefer Gram-Gram or Mee-Maw?

What did you just say?

Madam President, may I have a word, please?

- Yeah. Hey. - Mm-hmm. Hi.

Hey, did you see those paparazzi shots of us in the "Daily Mail"?

- I did. - Those scum-sucking vultures

got some really good shots of us.

- Um, so... - Yes?

Colonel Al-Saleh is here.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

They let a warlord into a human rights conference?

He's actually one of the sponsors.

But anyway, the point is any sort of strong speech

where you're condemning or embarrassing his record on female rights,

it might just scuttle the deal.

So maybe you could just focus on

some of the more positive elements of Sudan.

Yeah, and what are the positive elements?

You getting credit for Tibet.

Oh, God.

- I... let me just talk to my people. - Mm-hmm.

- (CHATTERING) - The heat is coming off.

You got any people I could talk to?

- (APPLAUSE) - (MAN SPEAKING ARABIC OVER P.A.)

Selina Meyer.

Good afternoon.

(CLEARS THROAT) Gentlemen and... lady,

I rise today to...

consider in the most open-minded of ways

the situation in the Sudan.

Women's rights are human rights,

and human rights...

are part of a diverse pageant

of different priorities.

Uh, while there has been some very positive progress,

there are some practices, however,

that require a firm stance,

such as female genital mutilation.

And our stance must be...

who are we to judge?

Don't we... in the United States,

we practice male circumcision on boys

as young as tiny babies.

So, uh,

glass houses.

And I would also add that it really does help

to prevent sexually transmitted diseases

as well as certain types of cancer.

And female circumcision...

I'm sure you have your reasons.

And so we look forward to...

a bright future.

- Thank you. - (ALL CHEERING)

- (WHISTLES) - Thank you.

Thank you.

KENT: All right, you can open your eyes, Congressman.

Fuck, yeah!

I can legislate the shit out of shit in here.

Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes

that this is the exact same goddamn office,

only three floors down with a shittier view?

Oh, I have never seen a shitty view look so good.

You know what I see? I see power.

Oh, hey, Kent, there's a sweet-ass armchair in a Dumpster out there.

- I'll get it. - Hello, Bent.

Come on, Jonah. Let's christen your new pad.

I'm gonna drink some champizzle and eat some poontizzle.

- No, you're not. - Oh, babe,

wait until you see the sweet new armchair I just bought.

Second goddamn floor, I can't even commit suicide.

I got a key to the roof. We could do a Butch-Sundance.

Nah, I'll just wait for cancer.

SELINA: Your hat looks like it's hand-made.

I have a lesbian daughter who would absolutely love that.

- Oh, Lu, how we doing? - (SPEAKING MANDARIN)

No, seriously, you know what? You really don't have to translate.

- Lu and I have... - (SPEAKING MANDARIN)

President Lu says,

"Thank you for all your nothing."

Who went pee-pee in his Coke?

I'm sorry, Selina. The deal's off.

But my speech! I...

Colonel Al-Saleh felt that you could've been

a bit more enthusiastic.

What do I have to do, pull out my clit

and cut it off in front of everyone

to get anything done in this world?

As we say in Qatar, "You should never build your house on shifting sands."

Okay, well, everything's built on sand here,

- so that doesn't make any sense at all. - (SIGHS)

The point is there will be other deals down the line for you, Selina.

So, what's next, huh? Liberian refugee crisis might be sexy.

Uh...

- What's going on? - Selina, I'm sorry,

but you know I can't be with someone like you.

Like me? What do you mean? Like what?

You know, white.

One of them.

(SCOFFS) Wow.

Okay, that is racist.

- Is it? - Oh, yeah!

I don't see color.

- You know, to me, you're, like, white. - Okay.

I thought that we would be traveling around the world on your yacht,

solving international crises and...

We will always have the yacht.

But you just said we won't.

I meant the memory of the yacht.

You know, my father saw our paparazzi pictures.

He was not pleased.

All right, fine. I get it.

I am so sorry. Selina.

But your dad wasn't pleased

because he thought I was white, right?

I mean, not because he thought there was any age difference between us,

'cause there practically isn't one.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was just the white thing.

- Mm-hmm. - He also thought you might be Jewish.

Well, I'm not.

It's 8:50 AM...

and this is not easy,

but this is going to be my last day

as a regular part of the "CBS Morning Show" family.

Oh, no, no, you will still be part of the

"CBS This Morning with Danny Egan" family.

Absolutely.

I am so grateful to all of you who watched,

and it's for you that I visited war zones

and did that bungee jump...

And did the undercover piece as a homeless woman.

Yeah, you ate out of a Dumpster.

And I will continue to do those things

with a series of specials

that will be coming to you from our digital platforms.

- It's the future, right? - I tried my damnedest,

but this world is just... it's full of snakes and snares and...

- Okay. - I hope that you will wish me well.

I'm sorry for these showers.

Aloha, Buzzy.

Aloha.

Our main Jane. Come here.

This is not goodbye, okay? Not by a long shot.

- DAN: Well, that's goodbye. - BRIE: Yeah.

And we'll see you bright and early Monday morning

when our own Brie Ramachandran

is gonna take a look at the darker side of s'mores.

- Don't wanna miss that. - Nope.

Bye, now.

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)