Original subtitles

And there we have it, guys, Adam's top ten tips

in turning a customer who is just looking

into a customer who is just buying.

Fantastic, Adam. Fantastic.

Good on ya. That's great, as usual.

OK, now, couple of things before we open up.

Tomorrow night is stocktake.

[all groan]

And it's mandatory for all staff, OK?

Now, team, I know it's daunting, OK?

But I like to think of it as a big family working bee,

where everyone is jumping in to get the job done.

And, as an added bonus,

our regional manager, Al,

is gonna come down and help us on the front lines.

Now, when we're looking

at all of the numbers for the stocktake,

it seems like shoplifting is through the roof here.

So I want every person...

to keep their eyes open...

for thieves.

OK?

Yeah, don't worry about that, Gary. We've got it covered.

Oh. OK.

When I catch the criminal,

I beat him in front of everyone.

And send the message, "You don't fuck with Electroworld."

Now, Vish, I really appreciate your enthusiasm,

but we've spoken about this.

You can't physically touch anyone.

I know, I know. Unless they're suspected thieves.

-[laughs] -No, Vish.

You can't even touch them if they're stealing.

This is bullshit, man!

How am I going to protect my Electroworld

with all your fucking rules, man?

Vish, I know that.

But we've already had complaints

about an overzealous security guard.

These complaints are from the criminals.

They are scared.

No, Vish, I'm afraid not.

OK, let's get out there and make it count.

[theme music playing]

-[Shaun] Gary, Gary. -Yeah, mate.

Hey, er, remember I... I told you

it was my boy's birthday party tomorrow?

Ah, that's fantastic, mate. Well done. Good effort.

-G-Gary... -Yeah, mate.

Does that mean I can miss stocktake or...

Miss stocktake?

You can't miss stocktake, mate.

Come on, mate. I've told you ages ago.

I'm... I'm not missing my boy's birthday party for a stocktake.

[sighs] Mate, yeah, look...

if I let you skip stocktake,

then I have to let everyone who asks skip stocktake.

-You've got to make sacrifices. -Not really, though.

You could probably tell everyone it's my kid's birthday party

and I reckon they'd understand.

Mate, my hands are tied.

Head office says it's mandatory

for every staff member to do stocktake.

That's just a fact.

[sighs]

-What time's the party? -It's at 6pm.

6pm.

OK, why don't you start early,

go for a couple of hours to the party

and then come back and work a bit later.

Gary, mate, you're a legend.

-Thank you. -No, no, no.

Look, look, don't forget

that Al, our regional manager, is gonna be here tomorrow night,

so it's a perfect opportunity to show her you're the man

for that promotion.

Yes! Excellent. Am I still looking good for that?

Brother, I tell them every chance I get.

And I think the store manager's opinion

is meaning something.

What about that one?

[scoffs] Yeah, yeah, this one's alright,

if you like pieces of shit.

Come on, mate, alright, let's cut to the chase, alright?

Anything less than the latest and greatest,

it's a waste of time.

-I'm on a very tight budget. -Tight budget?

OK, mate, you're not just buying a TV,

you are buying so much more.

Well, what do you mean?

Having a look at you, I'm gonna assume you're single, right?

-Yes. -Yeah. Fucking pathetic.

Sorry?

OK, let's pretend for a sec

that, you know, you meet a nice woman and you hit it off.

Yeah? And you go out for some drinks

and, you know, she's laughing at all your jokes

and, you know, you're talking

about... science or fucking knitting.

Whatever the fuck it is you talk about.

Anyway, so she comes back to your house,

goes into your lounge room,

and she sees this antiquated, outdated piece of shit TV.

And she's gonna be thinking to herself,

"This guy's a fuckin' nobody."

And she is gonna dry up like a Third World country, son.

But... picture this...

She goes into your lounge room

and she sees this gigantic masterpiece of technology.

This time she's thinking,

"This player knows what's going on.

I wonder what his knob tastes like.

Oh, let me think! I'll go find out."

-Ha ha! -[man breathes heavily]

Are you sure?

-It's $3,000. -Yeah, no, it's $3,500.

-Hmm. -But it says $3,000.

Mate, you can't get a TV like that

and not get a warranty.

This will max out my credit card.

Mate. No, no, no, no. Mate, mate.

Did you not just hear my story, OK?

You can't put a price on gettin' a gobby.

Trust me, OK?

You go and buy yourself

this giant TV-shaped ticket to Poon Town,

you tell 'em Brett sent ya, OK?

-Go on. -[sighs]

Attaboy.

Nailed it.

Another warranty, I take it.

Oh, mate, it's like moths to a fuckin'...

like a barbecue?

-Flame? -Yeah, same thing.

Hmm. Indeed.

Now, look, you've got my back today

if the shit hits the fan, right?

Yeah.

I'm gonna catch a shoplifter and I'm gonna make an example out of him.

Not if I catch him first, mate.

I'm gonna be like, "Hey, scumbag,

what's in the fuckin' bag?" and then, crack!

Before he even gets a motherfuckin' chance

to leave the store.

Yeah. Man, I hear ya, I hear ya.

I'm gonna wait until he's nearly out of the store,

so he thinks he's gotten away with it,

and then just tap him on the shoulder and be like,

"Where do you think you're going? Where's the receipt for that?"

Crack! Like...

But, I mean, I'm gonna... I'll tackle him first.

Because then that way, you can like, get a fuckin' knee in his head

right? And then, like, I'll be like choking him out

so we can see his eyes fuckin' popping out of his head,

like in Total Recall when he's on the fuckin' Martian planet.

Like... [groans]

And it's, like, about to fuckin' explode.

And then you can fuckin'... Ugh!

Straight in the fuckin' nut sack.

-I'll just kick him in the nuts. -Fuckin' epic.

And you can do the eye-popping thing.

-That sounds good. -Epic.

Hey. What's in your bag?

Nothing. I didn't buy anything.

Well, show me.

I don't know you. You might be a criminal.

You're a lucky man.

[mouths words]

[woman] Maybe I'll ask somebody. OK.

Um, excuse me, do you work here?

No, I just find cleaning computer screens to be relaxing.

Yes, I... I work here. Yes, how can I help you?

My boyfriend's looking for a new laptop.

What one do you recommend?

Well, depends on what he's looking for.

-So, study, business-- -OK.

Babe, what are you using it for?

Oh, OK. Yep.

-One he can use for study. -Right, right.

Well, this one seems to be

a pretty good all-rounder, this one.

-Oh, OK. I'll tell him. -Yeah.

Um, yeah.

It's model number 8-6-4-3-2-1. OK.

Oh. OK.

Um, sorry, he said that one's a piece of shit.

What?

He said, "That one's a piece of shit."

Right. Sorry, what's he basing that decision on?

Oh, well I told him the model number and he googled it.

[gasps] Googled it?

[chuckles] Wow!

Well, how about you be a little bit more specific

and then I can show you some other options, yeah?

OK. Babe, you gotta be a little bit more specific.

OK. Yep.

He said he doesn't mind, as long as it's a fast one.

Right. OK.

Well, these... these three

have slightly better processors and a little bit more RAM.

Oh, OK. He's showing me three here.

Model number 1-1-3-4-7-1.

Yeah.

And the one under that is the same, but ends in a 2.

And the other one is the same, but with a 4.

OK.

Yeah, he's not really impressed by any of those.

Really?

Well, he seems like a very tech-savvy lad, doesn't he?

[chuckles] Yes.

No worries, guys. Well just head to the front counter.

And they'll take care of you from here.

-Thanks very much. -My pleasure. Thank you.

-Mmm! -Hey!

Mwah! How are you, babe? What are you doing here?

I just had to get some last bits and pieces

for Ethan's birthday tomorrow,

and got it done quicker than I thought

and I thought I'd come see you.

Oh, lucky me! How did it all go?

-Did you get it sorted? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All good.

Just need to set up while he's at Mum's and then we're sorted.

How did you go telling Gary that you can't do stocktake?

-Yeah, look, I kind of... -What? Kind of?

What's kind of?

I'm gonna start early and I'm gonna leave early.

How? No, you've got the shoot in the morning.

It's fine. I'll get it sorted.

It's gonna be hectic, but it's OK.

Right. And I'll have to set up by myself, then.

[sighs] I know.

Look, the regional manager is coming down tomorrow

and it's gonna be a good opportunity for me to...

you know, talk to managers.

Shaun, look, yeah, I understand that this is important to you,

but if you miss your son's birthday

for stocktake, I swear to God...

I won't! I promise!

But this promotion is gonna be good for us.

It means more money, it means more--

Yeah, but it's just... it's just money, Shaun.

OK, look, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting that.

But I'm sure you've got it all worked out.

Sara, good to see you!

Adam, how are you?

I could be better, to be honest, Sara.

Shoplifting is running rampant at the moment

and it's up to us to stop it.

That's actually why I came over here.

Shaun, you've got our backs, right,

when the shit goes down, yeah?

-Whose backs? -Mine and Brett's.

We're taking matters into our own hands when they get back.

[inhales] OK.

What do you want me to do, exactly?

Just, you know, jump in when you see the shit hit the fan.

OK. Alright, so let me just break this down.

So, when you see a shoplifter,

you, Brett and possibly Vish are gonna fight this person.

And you want me to jump in.

So that's four people fighting one shoplifter.

Jeez, Adam, look, I don't know, man.

I mean, I've got a family.

What's poor Sara here gonna do when she has to explain to Ethan

that his dad's in hospital

because of a shoplifting incident?

-I mean... -Of course.

I can't ask you to take the sort of risks we do.

You've got too much at stake.

You leave the heavy shit to us.

Just keep your eyes peeled, OK?

Oh, of course.

I'll... I'll see you after your break.

Yeah, I'm not on break, mate.

Oh, I just thought 'cause you'd been talking to Sara

for quite a while that surely you must be on break.

-She's a customer. -Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep.

I'm, um... I'm actually... I'm looking at this.

Oh. Oh, that's a really great deal, that one.

-You... Great price. Oh, that... -[toaster clanks]

Oh! It's even got a little bit...

Oh! [chuckles]

Yeah.

OK. Well, good to see you, Sara.

-[Sara laughs] -I'd better get back on patrol.

[Sara mutters] OK.

Oh, my God! I am so glad you were here for that.

Half the time I think you're making these stories up.

Every. Single. Day.

Alright.

OK, good luck for today. I'll see you tonight.

-Love you. Bye. -Love you.

Hi, sir. How are you today?

I'm good, thanks. Just this.

OK.

OK, that is $99.95, please.

O...K.

Um... [chuckles]

How much... how much do you think's in here?

I don't know. There should be enough, though.

OK.

-[coins clink] -[sighs]

Alright.

OK, we're gonna go with this one.

-Great. -Cool.

Um, he wants to know what the best price is.

Of course he does.

Right, I'll, er... I'll go to the computer

and find out what I can do for you.

-OK. -No worries.

He's... he's checking now.

Are you coming over tonight?

Oh.

Where are you?

Suzie's? What are you doing there?

Oh.

We'll talk about this later. [clears throat]

Yeah, he's coming back now.

Okey-dokey, have a strokey.

Well, the best price that I can do for you is $20 off.

-It's already marked down. -OK.

He said he can take $20 off.

-Hundred. -Hundred?

Yeah.

-No, sorry, we can't do that. -Oh.

He said he can't do that.

Well, why not?

Because the item costs more than what it...

Well, what can you do?

You know what, I'll take $50 off.

-I guess that's cost price. -OK.

He can take $50 off, 'cause then it's cost price.

Yeah.

OK.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

We'll just get it cheaper online. Thank you.

[whispers] Fuck.

[grunts]

Fuck, man. You know, s...

Ugh! Some people just grind my nuts into a little powder

and I could just sprinkle it over the ocean.

What's the matter with you? You look like you're gonna pop.

I've been holding the hugest fart all day.

-It's killing me. -Right.

So, why don't you just let it go?

Because I don't want to smell like shit.

What if I serve a hottie?

And if I do it over there,

I'm just gonna crop dust the whole store

and everyone will know it was me, mate.

-I'm cracking under pressure. -Yeah.

I used to hate crop dusting.

That's why I just go out the back,

pull my pants down, let the whole fart out all at once.

All the gases don't get trapped in the pants.

Then pull the pants back up and I'm on my way.

I call it the 'Keyser Söze'.

And just like that... [blows gently]

it's gone.

-That's not a thing. -Of course that's a thing.

How is that not a thing, man? It's simple science.

Look, you pull your pants down, you let it all out in one go,

and you just... you j...

Oh.

And you pull it up and that's it, man.

There's no crop dusting.

Even so, I don't think I can just go out the back,

pull down my pants and fart.

-What if someone comes in? -[sighs]

Dude...

And up.

And that's it... in, out, and fart.

Alright, man, I get it.

-So go. -Leave it alone.

[gasps] Just...

It's just a fart, man.

[whispers to herself]

Can you please count any faster?

I've got a bus to catch.

Yep, yep, I'm going as quick as I can, so...

I used to work in a shop.

You know, we didn't have any fancy... fancy computer system

to count the money.

I do it in less than two minutes.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Maybe... maybe if you wanted to help me,

then... then, um, I can...

I can count faster for you, if you like.

It's not my job to count the money.

I'm a nurse.

Yeah, please, hurry up.

-Come on. I have a bus to catch. -Sure, sure.

Mate... I reckon that's our man, Adsy.

It's gotta be him, there's no way he can afford

the type of quality products we have.

He'd never respect them properly.

-Guys, what's going on? Hey. -Get down! He'll see you.

Jesus.

Who?

We think that's our shoplifter, Winno.

-Fuck. -Him?

Come on, you dirty little shoplifter.

Show Daddy what you're made of.

-What? -[Brett chuckles]

That was, er... a bit sexual, man.

What? No, it wasn't.

No, that was... that was like bedroom talk, bro.

-Yeah. -No, it wasn't.

Anyway, what's the plan?

I reckon let's surround him really slowly

and then, when we see him try to boost something,

we fuckin' pounce, yeah?

-Roger. Good plan. -Good plan.

Dry bump.

Let's go.

[tense, percussive music playing]

[tense music continues]

[tense music continues]

Did you even go to school?

You know, my son in primary school counts faster than you.

Can you count any faster?!

[mouths words]

[coos]

$99.70.

$99.80.

$99.95.

$99.95! With five cents change. Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

[tense music continues over dialogue]

[whispers] We'll both go together.

Brett, fuckin' get him. Brett, get him.

[whispers] Go! Go!

-Brett, you get him! -You fuckin' go.

-I'm telling you, just get him. -I don't give a fuck.

[music intensifies]

[mutters indistinctly]

[whispers] I'm the one that's... who kicks him on the ground.

Hey, mate. How are ya?

[chuckles]

[whispers] Fuckin' arsehole!

Vish! Shoplifter!

Whoa, mate! Fuck!

Owie, owie.

[chuckles]

Did you fuckin' see that? [laughs]

[knocks at door]

-You wanted to see us? -[sighs]

Come in, guys.

Guys, I appreciate your loyalty.

I've got to talk to Vish about this,

but I really should fire him.

But I'm a bit...

[sighs]

frightened to do that.

But we just can't take matters into our own hands like this.

Yeah, look, sorry, Gary. It was pretty reckless.

[Brett] Yeah, sorry, mate.

All I'm gonna say is, the guy's just lucky

Vish got to him before I did.

-That's all I'm gonna say. -[Brett] Oh, yeah.

And, mate, seriously, Gary, I was about to smash him,

you know, but then I thought, "What if he punches me in the dick?"

I mean, I've got five dates this week, Gary.

I can't go with a broken dick to a date.

Man, I was just about to pounce

and then I thought, "Hang on, Adam, you're such a psycho.

If you get started on this bugger,

you might not be able to stop yourself

and you might end up killing him."

I can't go to jail for a dirt-bag like that.

Yeah, mate, you can't go to jail.

I mean, fuck, you're, like, a pretty ponce, mate.

You're gonna be getting it from both ends, you'll be like,

"Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!" [laughs]

[Brett] Yeah, you don't want that.

[Gary] We're just lucky that the customer

can't remember what happened, so he's not gonna press charges.

But that's just luck.

But, again, we can't take matters

into our own hands, boys.

-Are we clear? -Yeah, we're clear.

-Crystal? -Crystal.

OK, boys.

Get out and have a big one.

[Brett] Thanks, Gary.

[farts heavily]

[continues farting]

Ugh!