Original subtitles

[clicks tongue]

Yep.

That is actual shit.

Yep, certainly looks like it.

Who'd shit on the ground in the middle of a store?

Well, they might not have done it here.

They might have done it at home and brought it in.

Adam, who would do that?

Someone that eats a lot of nuts and corn, it seems.

People are fucked.

Mm. I mean, there's no way that's just, like, one shit.

There's, like, two, three...

-Yeah. -So much.

Look, anyway, let's not stand around looking at it.

-We're opening up in a second. -Agreed.

Shaun, grab some gloves and get rid of it, will you?

But... Are you serious? You've gotta be joking.

Don't tell me you're afraid of a little bit of poo, Shaun. Ha!

Adam, who isn't afraid of other people's poo?

I'm not touching that. I'll be washing me hands all day.

Come on, Shauny. Dig deep for the team, mate.

Why don't one of you guys do it?

I've got a conference call with head office

in which I'll tell them how much you do for the store

and how much you deserve that promotion.

Fuck this. Fine.

Hey, Big Shauny coming through with the goods, eh? [laughs]

Mate, I'll put in a word with head office for you.

Yeah, me too.

Adam, when do you ever talk to head office, mate?

When I'm ordering stock.

-OK. -You know?

Well, be sure to tell the guys in the warehouse

how much you think I deserve a promotion for picking up shit.

Oh!

[theme music playing]

-Hey, mate. Do you work here? -Hey, mate. How are you? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, good, good, thanks.

I saw this TV advertised

and I was just wondering whether you guys price match.

OK.

Whoa! That is a helluva discount, mate.

I'll, uh... I'll just check the computer for you.

OK, when a customer asks for a discount,

the answer is pretty much always yes.

Our system will tell us how much Electroworld bought it for

and then it will tell us what the retail price is.

Now, we've been given free rein

to give whatever price we want in between those two numbers.

Also, we get ten percent of whatever we sell it for above cost price,

so that means if I sell it for 50 bucks above cost,

that's an extra five bucks in my bank account.

Remember that next time you're trying

to break some poor guy's balls for a discount.

Look, mate, this is about half of what our cost price is.

It's a pretty crazy deal.

I'd probably lose my job if I did it for you at this price.

-I thought you beat any price. -Yeah, we do.

-Depends where the quote's from. -I got it online.

Oh, see, we don't actually match online prices.

Only stores in our area.

But it is in our area.

H-How do you mean?

Well, the internet's in our area, isn't it?

Yeah, but the stock is probably held

in Hong Kong or somewhere like that.

-Right. Well, can you find out? -Find out what?

-Where the stock is. -No, not really, mate.

I wouldn't really know where to start.

Plus, we only honour physical retail stores.

Mm, bugger. What can you do for cash?

Look, the best price I can do for you is $1,100.

[snorts] $1,100?!

It's nowhere near the price I brought in.

Yeah, I know, but like I said, it's way under our cost price.

There actually isn't a TV in here that cheap.

What about $800?

Mate, the cost price to us is $1,050.

I'll take it for that, then. Why can't I take it for $1,050?

OK.

So, what else can you throw in with it?

Nothing! It's cost price, mate. The store makes nothing.

Well, they're making $1,050.

Yeah, but that's what they bought it for.

Right.

OK, well, I'll take it,

but I can't actually pick it up until later on.

So, what time are you guys open till?

5:30.

I'll go and sort this out and I'll come back later on.

No worries, mate. I'll see you a bit later.

[sighs]

-Hi. How are you? -Not too good, actually.

-I need to return this. -I can do that.

-What's wrong with it? -It's broken. It doesn't work.

Mm. It doesn't seem to be scanning.

Well, what does that mean?

It means it's not in our system.

-When did you buy it? -Oh, well, I don't know.

Look, can you hurry this up, please,

'cause I've got a lot to do today.

-OK sorry. Have you got a receipt? -Well, I don't think so.

I don't hang onto every piece of rubbish I find.

Well, we usually ask for a receipt for proof of purchase.

Look, I don't really have time for this.

I spend a lot of money here, you know.

This is ridiculous.

There you go. Right. Can I have my money back now, please?

This is... This is from another store.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

-I can't return this. -Why not?

Because you didn't buy it here.

Well, what does it matter where I bought it?

I mean, you sell all the same stuff here.

Just put it on the shelf and sell it.

I thought you said it was broken.

Well, after you fix it, obviously!

God, you checkout chicks are thick in the head.

Look, can I have my money back or not?

I'm sorry, but we've got a lot of people waiting

and we really need to sort this out.

I don't care about that. I was here first.

God, whatever happened to "the customer's always right", eh?

Look, bitch, the only way you're getting any money back

is if you manage to drag your fat arse over this counter

and get it out of the till.

Mind you, if you do get over this counter,

I will stomp your arse into the ground

American History X style.

Bite the kerb, bitch.

-Hey, ladies. -Hi!

-How's it going here? -Hi, Gary!

Oh, there seems to have been a mix-up.

This poor woman's come back to the wrong store

to return her toaster.

-This girl just threatened me. -I'm sorry? Me?

-Oh. -Threatened?

That doesn't sound like Beeanka.

I didn't see anyone threaten anyone.

-G'day. How are you today? -Good, thanks.

-Um, do you work here? -Yes, I certainly do.

Um, are these... Are these all the TVs you've got?

Yep, but if there is something that you want that's not here,

we can always order it in for you, no problems.

Whoa. Hey...

Hey... [stammers]

-Are you OK? -Not really.

My husband's just left us and, uh, we've got nothing.

God, the years I spent with that bastard for the sake of our son

and, God, even after he used to hit me,

I stay around, and he just leaves us.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Our little boy is so good.

He doesn't understand, so Mum gave me a bit of money

and I was just gonna buy a television

and I can't afford the cheapest one.

Maybe I can help you out.

-God. I'm sorry. -Yeah?

Sorry. No. I'm sorry. I didn't want to dump that on you.

I'm really sorry. Thanks a lot.

Listen...

if you hand me that and insist,

I'll price match it for you.

I can't ask you to do that. It's too cheap.

-Can you afford it? -Well, yeah.

Wow! You do drive a hard bargain, don't you?

But I suppose if it's an advertised price,

then we need to honour it.

Thank you. That was really kind of you.

Thank you for doing that.

Any time.

[sighs]

-Can I get it covered up? -No.

Well, can I get it removed later in life?

-No! -Argh! Fuck.

Uh... Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...

OK. Alright, alright.

I think I'm gonna go sleeve of dicks.

What?! No way, man!

What about when you have kids? What about meeting girls?

That's the worst first impression ever,

having a sleeve of throbbing cocks tattooed on your arm.

I mean, I'd choose a pinky for sure.

I mean, what do you use a pinky for?

You're telling me you'd rather get a pinky cut off

than a sleeve of dicks tattooed on your arm?

-How many t-- -Pinky five-knuckle shuffle?

Excuse me. Do you guys work here?

[both] Yes.

Um, look, I'm looking for a song.

I just don't know how it goes.

-We actually don't sell... -Sing it.

-Sorry? -Sing it.

We might be able to tell you what it is.

-Oh, I don't know... -Oh, come on.

Oh, I don't know the words.

[hums]

[sings] ♪ Too hot? Call a fireman... ♪

Tahh... [mutters indistinctly]

-♪ Cooh-ah-bah-dah-bah... ♪ -[sings indistinctly]

♪ Dah-bah-dah-bah... ♪

-♪ Potato... ♪ -Um...

♪ Diggity-bop-bah diggi-diggity-bop ♪

♪ Shiggidity giggidity-bippety-bop ♪

♪ I said, "Bah-bah-bah and smack my ass..." ♪

Yes! Yes, guys! Guys, that's the one.

-So do you have it? -No.

-No. -Damn it.

-Well, can you get it in? -Uh, no.

-No. -Sorry.

Well, why not?

Because we don't sell CDs.

[woman] Idiots.

-♪ Mm-mm-mm... ♪ -[whispers scat lyrics]

-Dude! -Sorry, sorry.

Cheers. Excuse me.

Um, can you just let the manager know how happy I was

with the young guy who served me today?

Oh, of course. Always a pleasure to hear.

Oh, and that's, uh...

That's quite a discount, isn't it?

Yeah.

Who did you say served you, again?

Oh, he's just over there.

Right.

Shaun. Huh.

-Well, have a good day. -Thank you.

Thanks very much. Bye.

-Excuse me, Shaun. -Hey, Adam. How are you?

I'm a little confused, to be honest.

A woman just walked out of here with a TV

hundreds of dollars under cost price.

Oh, yeah, mate, that was a price match.

I tell you what, she had a printout and everything

and she wouldn't stop breaking my balls.

-Wouldn't let up, mate. -Shaun, I'm not stupid.

You can't go around giving massive discounts

to anyone you like.

Adam, look, mate, I'll level with you.

She was a mess.

She told me she'd been in an abusive relationship

and just wanted to buy a TV for her son.

Knew it.

It's not as if it was your TV or my TV.

It literally doesn't hurt anyone

to help someone like this out from time to time.

Don't be surprised if this bites you in the arse, Shaun.

I'm not standing up for you when head office hears about this.

-[sighs] -You're on thin ice.

-Shaun, you got a minute? -Yes.

Hello. You're back to pick up the TV, sir, or...?

Don't 'sir' me, you fucking con artist.

-Am I missing something here? -Yeah.

I just ran into my bitch of an ex-wife

who told me that she bought a TV in here

for a fraction of what you sold it to me for...

same price you told me was impossible.

-Is this true, Shaun? -[sighs]

-Yeah. -Yeah. See? I knew it.

I knew it! What's your game, mate?

Trying to get into a woman's pants

by giving them some sort of discount?

Well, take it from experience,

you don't want to go there, mate.

I just wanted to help her out.

Sounded like she'd been through a lot.

-What's that supposed to mean? -Hang on, hang on.

Look, I'm sure there's been a big misunderstanding.

Sir, we'll honour the price that we gave your wife...

-Ex-wife. -OK.

We'll honour the price that we gave the lady

and we'll knock off an extra 50 dollars.

Shauny, you run and grab the TV and we'll fix it up here.

Yeah, go on, run along and get the TV.

Sir, I am so, so sorry about this.

Hey, Shaun, heard what you did for that woman today.

Not many people would put their sack on the line

for a stranger the way you did.

Yeah, I guess so...

You helped her and her boy out. So that's what matters, isn't it?

Yeah, no, it's not that. I'm sorry. It's...

Turns out I sold the exact same TV to her ex

who abused her and treated her like shit.

Anyway, he's found out and he's here in the store,

abusing me, demanding a better price.

Mate, I was just trying to be a good human, you know?

Mm.

Looks like I'm gonna get in trouble now

for not selling one but two TVs so cheap.

-What, her ex, he's here? -Yes! Have a look!

-So that's the bastard, hey? -Yep.

And you say he used to knock her around?

Well, that's what she told me.

Right, then.

What...?

That shit, Shaun, from this morning... where did you put it?

What?

The shit from this morning. It was on the floor.

You had to clean it up. Where did you put it?

Uh, the, uh...uh... The dumpster.

Go and get it.

-What? -Go and get the shit.

No! No! I'm not touching that shit again.

Oh, Jesus, Shaun, go and get the shit!

-Oh, come on! -Hurry up!

[dramatic music playing]

It's a good TV. It's a good choice.

[drill whirrs]

Oh, it smells so much worse.

-[drill whirrs] -OK.

[groans]

Oh!

There you go. What now?

Let's fucking fill her up.

Oh, for fuck's sake! How long does it take to grab a TV?

Adam, go and see what's going on out the back there, will you?

-Right. Yep. -Won't be a minute.

[dramatic music playing]

Man, you're insane!

-[speaks indistinctly] -Oh...

Quit masturbating and fucking get the shit in there, dickhead.

Oh, God! Which one of you farted?

-Yep, that was me, mate. -Oh, that's not right, mate.

You need to get a better diet, alright?

-Yep. -Anyway, where's this TV?

Is that it? You're only keeping this guy waiting.

Yes, this is it. We're bringing it out straight away.

OK, let's go. Jesus.

-And here she is. -[grunts]

Hey, matey. Sorry about the wait.

You know what? You guys are something else.

This store's a joke. It's pathetic.

-Mate, can I give you a hand? -Oh, fuck off!

Well, you fucked that up, Shaun.

Now, now, there'll be a reason for this misunderstanding.

Look, Gary, I thought I was doing the right thing, you know?

She looked like she really needed a win.

She probably conned you, you know that, right?

Oh, OK, maybe. But that doesn't change my intentions.

Brother, I can see your point of view,

but you just can't go giving out massive discounts like that

and costing the store money.

What would happen if we gave everyone a discount like that?

Oh, OK, sorry.

I should have just let her walk out, crying.

Finally, he gets it!

Look, everyone take a deep breath. Cool off.

Let's start getting ready for close up.

Come on. Come on. Come here.

Come in. Come in.

We good?

Good.

This is good.

Darren! That was hilarious, man. You are a legend.

Just doing what needed to be done.

You're just a softie inside, aren't you--

Shaun, you ever call me a softie again

and I will fill every electrical appliance in your house with shit, alright?

I was just doing what needed to be done.

Yep, OK. Noted.