Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

Nice of you to join us, Shauny.

OK, team, now that Shauny's here,

I'd like to officially welcome you to our brand new store!

And that's not all.

I'd also like to welcome you to our very own security guard.

Let's have a huge Electroworld welcome... to Vish!

I will protect this store with my life.

You don't need to worry about anything anymore.

If anyone try to mess with you...

I will kill them.

No one can touch anything.

OK, Vish... I'm not sure that's necessary.

Now, Adsy's gotta go through a few things.

-Adsy. -OK, OK.

Guys, now, I've spoken a lot about this

over the past few weeks

and you probably all know what I'm gonna say.

Anyone?

Extended warranties.

We need you guys pushing those warranties.

That's where our profit margin is, guys.

And we're all in this together.

Now, our Legend of the Week last week,

with a whopping 54 warranties,

the big man himself, the Brettinator!

-Hey! -Whoa!

[imitates gunfire]

Now, you could learn a thing or two from this guy.

He's an animal out there.

And that's what all you guys need to be doing

to get us to number one store in the region.

Well done, mate. Well done.

Now, lastly, I must say...

that all you guys look really snazzy in your new uniforms.

Absolutely sensational!

Now, I just have to let everyone know

Forty-eight dollars is gonna be deducted from next week's pay.

-Gary, are you serious? -Come on, Gary!

It's out of my hands.

So let's just get out there and have a huge one.

[theme music playing]

-It's small but it's heavy. -It's not small.

Mate, look, it's a thin fucking cardboard thing.

This is not cylindrical. I am a cylindrical-cocked man.

You're a fucking idiot. Whatever.

Anyway, that is my cock size. Yours is little.

-Tess! -[Tess] Don't even try.

Oh, my God, someone's on their rags today, aren't they?

So, what's going on, cock heads?

Winno, what's going on with you and Tess?

Nothing.

Why, what have you heard?

He's heard what everyone in the store's heard.

That you told Tess you could get in her pants because Brett did.

Nice!

Why in the world would you do that, mate?

I mean, I thought you guys were good friends.

We were good friends, but in case you haven't noticed,

girls like to be treated like shit.

So I got some pointers off Brett.

-Fist me. -Yeah, you did.

Pretty soon, with a little bit of practice,

this guy's gonna be reeking of pussy too.

Yeah, boy! Touch wood, touch wood, touch wood!

-Mate, would you stop doing that? -Don't be such a pussy.

Mate, are you really gonna take

relationship advice off this guy?

Well, no offence, Shaun,

but how many women have you boned in the last... five years?

What's that? Oh, yeah. I think... I think it's one.

Yeah, I don't mean to be rude,

but that would still be one more than you, though, wouldn't it?

-[Both] Ooh! -Shut the hell up, OK?

I'm sick of always being the cute friend.

You know, I'm sick of always hearing,

"You're just like my brother."

Fuck that!

The only place that has gotten me

is my bedroom, alone,

beating off to Chun-Li cosplay pics.

Hadoken.

Mate, you haven't actually thought about talking to her?

You know, like an adult would.

No. Why would I, Shaun?

I just told you that chicks like being treated like shit

and that's what I'm gonna be doing from now on.

OK, and you'll be losing a good friend in the process.

Clever. Very clever.

Excuse me, guys. Can I get some help?

Yeah, I'll give it to ya.

-[woman] Sorry, what? -Help. I'll give ya some help.

[woman chuckles] Oh, good. I'm looking for a present for my husband.

And she's yours.

[Brett sighs]

Hi.

And that's all done! See you. Bye.

Oh, my God, did you hear about

Winston and Tess' little lovers' quarrel?

I know! Isn't it cute?

Cute? Are you serious?

No. No, I mean, like...

Yeah, as if we really even care!

Like, that's cute!

It is so pathetic!

She acts like she's this little princess

and meanwhile, she's banging Brett and God knows who else.

-She is such a slut! -Such a slut.

-Oh! Tess! -Hey, guys.

Babe, hey. I heard about you and Winston.

I just want you to know if you need anything...

a hug or a chat or a girls' night out,

you just say the word, OK?

Oh, that's so sweet, Beeanka.

Thanks, guys!

[Beeanka] No worries! Bye!

Excellent. Well, you have a fantastic day.

-Yeah, no worries. Thank you. -Thank you.

-Excuse me. -Yes, how's your day going, sir?

Not great.

OK. Is there something I can help you with or...?

The fuck would you call this?

Well?

-Toast. -Toast?!

You'd call this toast? It's charcoal, mate!

OK, so you burnt the toast.

I burnt it 'cause you rip-off merchants

sold me a faulty toaster!

OK, mate, if you wouldn't mind calming down--

Don't tell me what to do!

It's pricks like you that rip people off.

OK, so you're gonna come in here, have a go at me.

I don't know anything about what--

Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. What's going on here?

-[Gary] Is everything alright? -Who the hell's this?

My name is Gary, sir, and I'm the manager.

Oh, great! Maybe someone with half a brain. Look at this!

Oh! That's very burnt, isn't it?

-Shaun, did you see this? -Yes, he showed me.

How am I expected to eat this shit?

Oh, no, no. You wouldn't eat this.

You wouldn't eat this, would you, Shaun?

Well, this popped out of this and I bought it here yesterday.

This came from one of ours?

[yelling] Yes!

So, what are you gonna do for me?

Shauny, let's get this tested, mate. Run and grab some bread.

I really don't think we need to do that.

I think maybe the dial might have been

turned up too high on the side.

Are you telling me I don't know how to use a fucking toaster?

Look, Shaun, just run and grab some bread, mate.

Just run and grab some bread.

Gary, it's a 20 dollar toaster.

Last week you got me to replace

a 300 dollar camera that worked perfectly.

Just replace it and get rid of the joker!

Brother, brother, I know, I know.

But head office are clamping down on returns.

I got a memo yesterday saying all returns have to be tested.

Now, just run and grab some bread, mate.

[whispers] Just run and grab some bread.

It'll be right...

[Shaun sighs]

Fuck, Darren! You scared the shit out of me!

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

What do you mean?

Where are you going with that loaf of bread?

-To toast it. -Where?

-On the sales floor. -Shaun, are you taking the piss?

No, Darren, I'm not, but you're starting

to scare the shit out of me, mate.

Some dickhead's trying to bring back a toaster,

so we've gotta test it.

Have a look at the loaf of bread, Shaun.

What am I looking for...

Oh, this is your bread!

-Yeah. -OK. Sorry, mate.

I honestly didn't know.

-I'll ask you next time. -Yeah, just, um...

There's not gonna be a next time.

You see, there's not even gonna be a fuckin' this time, mate.

You don't steal... another man's loaf of bread!

Darren, I am really sorry, mate.

May I please have a piece of your bread?

Nuh.

-Seriously? -Nuh.

Fuck off.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Fuck your bread!

Hmm, yeah, I don't know.

It's so hard to choose.

-[chuckles] It's a kettle. -Yeah.

So, which is the better out of these two?

Uh... Probably this one.

-This one? Alright. -Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

So, like, how does... How does this work?

Oh, right. It has springs... opening that. Is th...

Which heats up the fastest?

Well, the one that heats up the quickest--

Winno, can I borrow you for two seconds?

Adam, I'm just with a customer at the moment.

Oh, no, no. It's OK. I'm gonna be thinking for a while.

-Yeah? OK. -Great. Thank you.

-Now. -OK.

Hey, buddy! How are those sales going?

Yeah, yeah, not bad, actually. Yeah.

Mmm? Yeah, well...

Actually, this says they aren't going great.

Really?

Not to mention your items per sale is pretty... [groans]

[groans and chuckles] Also, mate... no warranties.

Come on, mate. What's the story?

-Well, look, I-- -Look, I get it.

You see a guy like me and you think, "He's made it!"

-Yeah. -"He's got it all!"

But.. shocker! I'm just like you.

I'm cool. I'm not all business.

You know, I've got an Xbox. I've watched... Archer.

You know, I share memes with all my friends.

-Harambe! -Right?

But I know when to buckle down

and I know when to get the job done.

Now, don't just sell this woman a kettle.

Let's get those items per sale up and get that warranty!

You want me to pitch a warranty on a kettle?

There you go!

You can't put a price on peace of mind, Winno.

I'm glad we had this chat, mate.

I've got a feeling somebody's gonna be

smashing those warranties out of the park from now on!

Yeah. Thanks, Adam.

You're welcome! [clicks tongue]

So, how'd you go?

Ahh! It's so hard to choose!

[chuckles] Oh, I know. Yeah.

So does one... stay hot longer?

Does one cool down faster than the other or...

I honestly couldn't tell you. I'm so sorry.

OK. Hmm.

I'm just gonna go for this one.

Great! Yes, you did it. We did it! [laughs]

Phew! What a relief, hey? Hey? Great.

Uh... Great!

Uh... Now that you have the kettle,

what if something were to... happen to it?

Like what?

Like, what if it were to, I don't know... break?

But surely it's under a warranty or something like that?

Yes, you're right. But that's only for the first two years.

What about after that?

You know, for 50 dollars, you can extend your warranty

to up to five years.

-Crazy. -That's... more than the kettle.

Hey, you can't put a price on a peace of mind.

I don't think you're very good at your job.

Sorry.

[Winston] At least it was honest.

How'd you go?

Yeah, she thinks I'm a moron.

I mean, the warranty is more than

double the price of the kettle itself.

Well, did you tell her you can't put a price on peace of mind?

[sighs] Yes. Adam.

Maybe you just need more confidence.

Shoulders back.

-You're a sloucher. -My dad was a sloucher.

-Yeah? -I get it from him.

OK, mate. We'll chat about that later. OK.

About fucking time, mate.

What, did you go off and bake the bread yourself or something?

OK. Let's just fire this lot up.

Oh, look, the dial on the side is turned right up.

Yeah, I like it well done. Not burnt.

Did you try any of the other settings?

No! I just took it back when it burnt my fuckin' toast!

OK, OK. Let's just... Let's just see how this lot goes.

OK? Let's just see how this lot goes.

See what I mean? Burnt to a crisp.

Oh, yes. That is burnt, isn't it?

Mmm, well, you might find if we just turn the dial down a bit,

it won't actually burn the toast.

I shouldn't have to.

OK, Gary. What are we doing, mate?

-Are we replacing it or what? -Yep. Let's replace it.

Well, shouldn't I be compensated?

You know, for my trouble.

Trouble? What trouble?

I had to come all the way down here and deal with this fuckin' shit!

Mate, this whole thing could have been avoided

if you'd just turned the dial down!

OK, OK.

Look, you can have a toaster of your choosing,

any toaster within the store.

How's that?

What about an Xbox or something?

-What, an Xbox? -[man] Why not?

No, no, no...

You know, I could go to A Current Affair and tell them

you pricks sell dodgy fuckin' toasters.

[sighs]

You can pick any toaster that you like.

Any toaster in the store. How's that?

What's the most expensive toaster you've got?

I'll take that.

Of course, sir. Shaun can look after you there.

Thanks, Shaun.

Of course I can. [sighs]

This way.

What about your mum?

What about her?

Well, you gonna treat her like shit too?

I'm not really trying to get her into bed with me, am I?

OK. But let me get this straight.

You and Tess, you hang out almost every day at work.

-Mm-hm. -You've become good friends.

But you want something more.

She seems to want something more.

But you don't do anything about it.

Then she hooks up with Brett at the Christmas party.

Then, because Brett treats girls like shit,

you decide that you're gonna treat Tess like shit

because you think this will take you from the friend zone

to the sex zone, like Brett.

You're right, it does sound pretty mental

when you put it like that, yeah.

And you haven't talked to her about any of this.

No! Why would I speak to Tess about this?

I mean, you know, after she... porked Brett, I mean, I...

Look, I don't care anymore, OK? I just don't.

[sighs]

Maybe I do.

Maybe she was my... Maybe she was my dream girl.

Dream girl? [scoffs] What are you fairies talking about?

I... I was... I was kind of into Tess.

Tess was your dream girl?

-Yeah. -[Brett laughs]

Mate, I did you a favour by smashing her, then.

Sorry, but, Brett, how is... how is boning my dream girl

doing me any favours or justice?

Winno, mate, sometimes I swear to God

you are as naive as a chick getting roofied on schoolies.

Boys, you never go for your dream girl, OK?

Why not?

Because your dream girl's up on a pedestal, alright?

She's the one with all the power.

I mean, you know, you worship the ground that she walks on.

You care about what she thinks, you know.

You try and dress to impress her.

You're worried about where she is.

If some other guy looks at her, you get jealous.

It's fuckin' pathetic.

I mean, not to mention,

I mean, if you're thinking that she's your dream girl,

she is sure as hell not thinking that you're her dream man.

So someone's gotta settle.

And if she settles for you,

she's the one with all the power, right?

-So... -Right. Hey, um...

So you gotta go find yourself someone

that's hot enough to bang

and, you know, someone that you like enough to keep around,

but she's down a few notches.

So that way...

you're the one that's up on the pedestal, right?

Hey? You're the one with all the power.

You know? I mean, she's wondering where you are.

You know, she's getting freaky in the bedroom, right,

so that you won't think about other women.

You know, she's gonna be cooking you shit,

mmm, buying you shit, you know what I mean?

No, can't say that I do, no.

-That made no sense. -Ah, well. I tried to tell ya.

-See you, boys. -[grunts]

I'm sorry. It's OK.

Dude, I'm never gonna have children. Fuck me.

It's alright.

Hey, guys. Can one of you guys pop this through for me, please?

We'll take that off your hands, mate.

Great, fantastic. Uh, I just need a receipt, please, sir.

I don't have a receipt.

-Of course you don't. -What was that supposed to mean?

It means I should have just assumed

you didn't have your receipt.

Listen, mate, I got conned by this store

into buying a faulty toaster

and all I get from you is attitude.

Mate, why don't you take your shiny new toaster home,

run yourself a nice, long bath

and see what happens when you run the toaster under the water,

you stupid, inbred fuck!

Are you listening to me?

No. Not really.

But I can say have a fantastic evening

and why not treat yourself to a bath when you get home?

-A bath? -Yeah.

Think about it.

Well, here we are at the end of another day in retail

and again, like every day,

there is some idiot oblivious to the fact that we are closing.

Some people just will not take a hint.

'Scuse me, sir, just letting you know

we're closing in a couple of minutes.

Alright.

And there we have it. All done.

Oh, look at that! 5:29. One whole minute for--

Excuse me, mate. Are you guys open at all?

No, we're not! Fuck off!

Hello? You open?

Yeah.

Sweet.

[whispers] Fuck!