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1
00:00:03,589 --> 00:00:05,505
This just breaking now.
2
00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:07,797
President Trump's campaign
manager Paul Manafort
3
00:00:07,881 --> 00:00:09,630
and his personal lawyer
Michael Cohen
4
00:00:09,714 --> 00:00:11,714
are each guilty
of eight criminal counts
5
00:00:11,797 --> 00:00:13,255
that will result in jail time.
6
00:00:13,338 --> 00:00:14,464
You know, I always thought
7
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:16,464
this whole investigation
was a nothing burger,
8
00:00:16,547 --> 00:00:18,881
but now it's starting to
feel like a burger burger.
9
00:00:18,964 --> 00:00:21,047
Before this plane lands,
we need a response
10
00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:23,714
that isn't you pretending
you only speak Portuguese.
11
00:00:23,797 --> 00:00:25,380
You're being compared
to Nixon,
12
00:00:25,464 --> 00:00:28,505
and not just because of your
flop sweat and sexless marriage.
13
00:00:28,589 --> 00:00:29,797
Because of impeachment!
14
00:00:29,881 --> 00:00:32,672
Hello. You can't impeach
a sitting president.
15
00:00:32,756 --> 00:00:34,047
You're thinking
of "indict."
16
00:00:34,130 --> 00:00:35,338
Wrong.
I'm thinking of cake.
17
00:00:35,422 --> 00:00:37,756
Just stick to the message
that Cohen is a liar.
18
00:00:37,839 --> 00:00:39,422
Why am I dragging myself
into this?
19
00:00:39,505 --> 00:00:41,839
See ya at the hearings!
20
00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:43,839
Just get Giuliani,
tell him to pump himself
21
00:00:43,922 --> 00:00:46,130
full of Mountain Dew, sew
his mouth down the middle,
22
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,130
and say two things
at the same time.
23
00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:50,422
Sir, do you think it's a good
idea to put Rudy on TV?
24
00:00:50,505 --> 00:00:52,630
Okay, Rudy's on TV,
everybody.
25
00:00:52,714 --> 00:00:55,255
There is no law in the jungle,
and that works okay.
26
00:00:55,338 --> 00:00:58,088
What, are you gonna throw all
the elephants behind bars?
27
00:00:58,172 --> 00:00:59,589
Prisons are crowded enough
as it is!
28
00:00:59,672 --> 00:01:02,422
Do you think Robert Mueller
would give me immunity?
29
00:01:02,505 --> 00:01:04,130
And more breaking news.
30
00:01:04,213 --> 00:01:06,338
During Michael Cohen's
guilty plea,
31
00:01:06,422 --> 00:01:09,130
he said he committed crimes
at the behest of the President.
32
00:01:09,213 --> 00:01:11,088
Oy.
Must be the turbulence
33
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,881
and not the walls
closing in on me.
34
00:01:12,964 --> 00:01:14,464
Sir, are you feeling
all right?
35
00:01:14,547 --> 00:01:17,213
Oh, yeah. Uh, hey, is this
plane getting smaller?
36
00:01:17,297 --> 00:01:20,547
Because this fuselage feels like
a drinking straw.
37
00:01:20,630 --> 00:01:23,881
I hate to say the obvious,
but have we thought about a --
38
00:01:23,964 --> 00:01:25,589
War! Oh, my God!
Of course!
39
00:01:25,672 --> 00:01:27,464
What are you thinking?
Croatia?
40
00:01:27,547 --> 00:01:29,213
Iceland? They got
Muslims there, right?
41
00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,422
We'll find out when
we dig through the rubble.
42
00:01:31,505 --> 00:01:34,672
That's my cue. I can't lie
about what I don't know!
43
00:01:34,756 --> 00:01:37,172
Oh, God.
I need legal advice.
44
00:01:37,255 --> 00:01:39,505
You know who's just the lawyer
to help me out of this jam?
45
00:01:39,589 --> 00:01:41,964
Michael Cohen.
Darn it!
46
00:01:42,047 --> 00:01:43,714
♪♪♪
47
00:01:43,797 --> 00:01:45,589
Melania!
The fly is back!
48
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,172
Shut up, you big baby!
49
00:01:47,255 --> 00:01:50,630
♪♪♪
50
00:01:50,714 --> 00:01:54,047
America is full of
everyday heroes --
51
00:01:54,130 --> 00:01:57,380
policemen, firefighters,
wounded veterans --
52
00:01:57,464 --> 00:02:01,047
and the oft-forgotten,
but most important of all,
53
00:02:01,130 --> 00:02:04,338
our glistening
'80s action movie stars!
54
00:02:04,422 --> 00:02:06,797
Whoo!
Bloodsport.
55
00:02:06,881 --> 00:02:09,213
The year? 1988.
56
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:13,255
Elite American super soldier
Jean-Claude Van Damme
57
00:02:13,338 --> 00:02:15,547
is kicking the shit out of
some Chinese guys and --
58
00:02:15,630 --> 00:02:18,922
Sir, there's been a train
derailment outside Kansas City.
59
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,756
Hello? I'm in the
middle of something!
60
00:02:21,839 --> 00:02:27,547
Anyways, put your hands together
for the stars of Bloodsport!
61
00:02:30,422 --> 00:02:34,338
I said, "Da-da-da-DAA!
Bloodsport!"
62
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:40,213
I ask you to reunite one simple
kung-fu cast, and you don't.
63
00:02:40,297 --> 00:02:42,338
I ask you to make
the Blue Angels skywrite
64
00:02:42,422 --> 00:02:44,130
my security briefings,
and you don't.
65
00:02:44,213 --> 00:02:45,756
If you would like
to blame me, sir,
66
00:02:45,839 --> 00:02:48,172
I'm always looking for an
excuse to self-flagellate.
67
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:49,672
Sir, we would do
what you say,
68
00:02:49,756 --> 00:02:52,130
but some of your quirkier ideas
either don't make sense
69
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,338
or violate
the Geneva Conventions.
70
00:02:54,422 --> 00:02:57,255
Your job isn't to decide
if what I say makes sense.
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00:02:57,338 --> 00:02:59,006
Your job is to do
what I say.
72
00:02:59,088 --> 00:03:00,422
If I say, "Jump,"
you say,
73
00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:02,130
"Here's the cast
of Bloodsport."
74
00:03:02,213 --> 00:03:05,255
President Trump's
Bloodsport fail
75
00:03:05,338 --> 00:03:06,839
has Americans wondering,
76
00:03:06,922 --> 00:03:10,422
"Will Trump's lack of control
collapse his administration?"
77
00:03:10,505 --> 00:03:12,672
Okay? And on the day
he leaves office,
78
00:03:12,756 --> 00:03:14,839
will I dissociate
from reality
79
00:03:14,922 --> 00:03:16,964
or finally take
that cooking class
80
00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:18,756
or a combination of the two
81
00:03:18,839 --> 00:03:20,422
that ends with
a Sur La Table chef
82
00:03:20,505 --> 00:03:22,839
wrestling a meat cleaver from
my hands? Watch this space.
83
00:03:22,922 --> 00:03:25,047
Melania!
What?
84
00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:28,464
I was right in the middle of
not spending time with you.
85
00:03:28,547 --> 00:03:30,922
Do you ever feel like
you're not in control?
86
00:03:31,006 --> 00:03:33,797
The last time I felt
in control was 1995
87
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,839
when the stewardess
on my flight to America
88
00:03:35,922 --> 00:03:38,088
asked if I would like
chicken or pasta.
89
00:03:38,172 --> 00:03:40,088
My father controlled
everything I did --
90
00:03:40,172 --> 00:03:41,839
which school I went to,
91
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,172
which lead pipe I threatened
the tenants with,
92
00:03:44,255 --> 00:03:46,047
and I thought
it was my time.
93
00:03:46,130 --> 00:03:47,922
You're totally
in control.
94
00:03:48,006 --> 00:03:50,464
Then why does my staff ignore
my reasonable instructions
95
00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:52,797
to let Mike Ditka crash
in the Situation Room?
96
00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:54,130
I said you're
in control!
97
00:03:54,213 --> 00:03:56,964
Now go to sleep,
you big leathery baby!
98
00:03:57,047 --> 00:03:59,047
But I'm not tired!
99
00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:01,839
So, I'm watching
Bloodsport --
100
00:04:01,922 --> 00:04:03,464
Hannity's picture-in-picture,
of course,
101
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:05,338
so he can watch
the movie, too --
102
00:04:05,422 --> 00:04:08,380
and I'm thinking, the sensei
tells Jean-Claude Van Damme
103
00:04:08,464 --> 00:04:10,130
to do something,
and he does it.
104
00:04:10,213 --> 00:04:12,006
If you guys did that for me,
105
00:04:12,088 --> 00:04:14,172
I'd promote all of you
to Vice President.
106
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:16,547
I could use the help
appearing at funerals
107
00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:18,547
the deceased barred you
from attending.
108
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:21,213
If you want to get your
administration under control,
109
00:04:21,297 --> 00:04:23,630
you got to supercharge
that military.
110
00:04:23,714 --> 00:04:24,881
-Oh, my God.
-Broken record.
111
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:27,047
-Oh, Lordy.
-Hey, Rambo grew a mustache.
112
00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:28,338
John, you're a nut.
113
00:04:28,422 --> 00:04:29,922
Like I'm gonna
turn my government
114
00:04:30,006 --> 00:04:31,797
into some kind
of military regime.
115
00:04:31,881 --> 00:04:34,338
Hey, multiple generals,
get a load of this guy!
116
00:04:34,422 --> 00:04:35,547
I'm serious!
117
00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:37,964
Taxpayers pay for
black helicopters,
118
00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:40,464
and they deserve to see them
menacing their homes.
119
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,088
Big talk coming
from someone
120
00:04:42,172 --> 00:04:43,797
who's never been
in a war.
121
00:04:43,881 --> 00:04:45,839
How am I supposed to
enjoy watching a war
122
00:04:45,922 --> 00:04:47,380
if I'm busy
being in it?
123
00:04:47,464 --> 00:04:49,881
I've thought about
this idea for 12 seconds,
124
00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:51,505
and I've decided
it's a no-go
125
00:04:51,589 --> 00:04:53,630
that's taking up
my precious mental energy.
126
00:04:53,714 --> 00:04:56,213
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to play out a feud
127
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:58,380
with Mandy Patinkin
in my head.
128
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,714
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
129
00:05:00,797 --> 00:05:02,922
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
130
00:05:03,006 --> 00:05:06,006
And the ICE agent detained
the entire quinceañera
131
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,172
before the first
slice of cake was cut.
132
00:05:08,255 --> 00:05:10,338
I wish I had
a bus that big!
133
00:05:10,422 --> 00:05:12,088
That's Fox & Friends
for this morning.
134
00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:13,881
Join us tomorrow
when we meet a man
135
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,006
who paints the American flag
on people's houses
136
00:05:16,088 --> 00:05:17,297
whether they
like it or not.
137
00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:19,047
-And we're out.
-You won't believe
138
00:05:19,130 --> 00:05:20,589
what happened
to me last night.
139
00:05:20,672 --> 00:05:23,255
You gave your housekeeper the
night off for her birthday?
140
00:05:23,338 --> 00:05:26,047
I was in the Lower East Side
getting a late-night cup of joe
141
00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:27,547
so I could avoid sleep
142
00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:28,714
and the torturous dreams
that come with it.
143
00:05:28,797 --> 00:05:30,213
I hear that!
144
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,922
But this SJW barista
wouldn't serve me,
145
00:05:33,006 --> 00:05:35,714
even though they'd only
been closed for 45 minutes!
146
00:05:35,797 --> 00:05:38,380
I yelled at her so hard,
you'd have thought she was
147
00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,922
a lesbian couple
not pulling out
148
00:05:40,047 --> 00:05:41,505
of a parking space
quick enough.
149
00:05:41,589 --> 00:05:43,964
And you know something?
It felt great!
150
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:46,922
It's too bad we never get to
have violent tirades on air.
151
00:05:47,006 --> 00:05:48,756
I want to show my range --
152
00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,464
everything from joyful sadism
to angry sadism.
153
00:05:51,547 --> 00:05:53,464
I don't even know
how to scream anymore.
154
00:05:53,547 --> 00:05:56,547
Aa-u-uh!
Is that the scream?
155
00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:59,130
Sir, it's time
we discuss the logistics
156
00:05:59,213 --> 00:06:00,672
of your
military parade.
157
00:06:00,756 --> 00:06:02,088
By "military," I meant
158
00:06:02,172 --> 00:06:04,672
the usual streamers
and sassy outfits,
159
00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:06,714
just with more people
tearfully saluting me.
160
00:06:06,797 --> 00:06:08,839
We've prepared
a half-dozen flyovers,
161
00:06:08,922 --> 00:06:11,630
a couple of military reunions,
all heterosexual, of course,
162
00:06:11,714 --> 00:06:14,338
and a float in honor of
Lee Greenwood's discography.
163
00:06:14,422 --> 00:06:16,338
Wow! Is there anything
left in the budget?
164
00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:18,088
$30 million.
Jesus!
165
00:06:18,172 --> 00:06:20,714
That's more than I'm wor--
a percentage of what I'm worth.
166
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,589
It would be
quite the gesture
167
00:06:22,672 --> 00:06:24,756
to donate the rest
to the VA.
168
00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:26,881
Don't be cute.
Let's flood Dupont Circle
169
00:06:26,964 --> 00:06:28,505
and get some submarines
in there.
170
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,380
Sir, to combat
protesters,
171
00:06:30,464 --> 00:06:32,130
we've lined the streets
with mace cannons,
172
00:06:32,213 --> 00:06:35,213
which we will demonstrate now
with a masochistic volunteer.
173
00:06:35,297 --> 00:06:38,839
I, an SJW, find violent
regime change triggering!
174
00:06:43,047 --> 00:06:44,714
I am finally alive!
175
00:06:44,797 --> 00:06:46,922
♪♪♪
176
00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:48,088
♪ Hannity! ♪
177
00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:49,964
President Trump,
if you're watching --
178
00:06:50,047 --> 00:06:51,797
and the fizzy sensation
in my nipples
179
00:06:51,881 --> 00:06:54,255
tells me you are --
I have great news.
180
00:06:54,338 --> 00:06:57,380
The cast of Bloodsport
is hog-tied in my trunk,
181
00:06:57,464 --> 00:06:59,964
ready to lead
your military parade!
182
00:07:00,047 --> 00:07:04,589
I am fed, diapered, and eager
to zigzag 120 miles an hour
183
00:07:04,672 --> 00:07:06,547
down the turnpike straight
to the White House!
184
00:07:06,630 --> 00:07:08,464
-Thanks, Sean!
-For the remaining
185
00:07:08,547 --> 00:07:11,088
55 minutes
of the broadcast,
186
00:07:11,172 --> 00:07:13,839
here's beautiful, hypnotic
footage of obedient marching.
187
00:07:13,922 --> 00:07:15,464
♪♪♪
188
00:07:15,547 --> 00:07:19,297
Wow. Despite being 50%
blueberry pie filling,
189
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:22,839
my boy Kim Jong-un knows how
to bend humans to his will.
190
00:07:22,922 --> 00:07:24,630
♪♪♪
191
00:07:24,714 --> 00:07:26,589
Come on!
Almost! Come on!
192
00:07:26,672 --> 00:07:28,006
Bolton,
what are you doing?
193
00:07:28,088 --> 00:07:29,630
Oh, hey,
Mr. President.
194
00:07:29,714 --> 00:07:32,422
Just trying to jimmy open
the ol' nuclear football.
195
00:07:32,505 --> 00:07:34,464
You might have a point
about this military thing.
196
00:07:34,547 --> 00:07:35,630
I get to be on
the last float
197
00:07:35,714 --> 00:07:37,297
of the army parade
dressed as Santa.
198
00:07:37,380 --> 00:07:39,589
Making America
a military wonderland
199
00:07:39,672 --> 00:07:41,422
would be
a beautiful thing.
200
00:07:41,505 --> 00:07:43,047
Did you know that
some toll booths
201
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,422
aren't even armed with
machine
202
00:07:45,505 --> 00:07:50,047
John, let's make America one
big military parade in my honor.
203
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:52,297
Do we have a chief commander
who can run this whole thing?
204
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,464
We have
a Commander-in-Chief.
205
00:07:54,547 --> 00:07:56,964
I have a picture
of him right here.
206
00:07:57,047 --> 00:07:59,797
I'm Commander
207
00:07:59,881 --> 00:08:01,714
Of course,
ya big goof!
208
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:03,338
You run the military!
209
00:08:03,422 --> 00:08:05,589
Whatever you tell them
to do, they do it.
210
00:08:07,839 --> 00:08:10,630
♪ Wanna rule your nation? ♪
211
00:08:10,714 --> 00:08:13,380
♪ Militarization ♪
212
00:08:13,464 --> 00:08:15,297
♪ Puts you in control ♪
213
00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:19,714
♪ You could end
the Mueller investigation ♪
214
00:08:19,797 --> 00:08:22,756
♪ No more legislation ♪
215
00:08:22,839 --> 00:08:25,547
♪ No more immigration ♪
216
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,297
♪ If you don't like the press ♪
217
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:32,297
♪ Make violent arrests
at the TV stations ♪
218
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:35,338
♪ Move the Capitol
to Mar-a-Lago ♪
219
00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,088
♪ And make princes
of your sons ♪
220
00:08:37,172 --> 00:08:38,547
Hell yeah!
221
00:08:38,630 --> 00:08:41,422
♪ Have some tanks
patrol Chicago ♪
222
00:08:41,505 --> 00:08:44,630
♪ Arm your meter maids
with machine guns ♪
223
00:08:45,964 --> 00:08:48,380
Well, you shouldn't
have parked there!
224
00:08:48,464 --> 00:08:51,047
♪ Bomb a sovereign nation ♪
225
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,213
♪ Skip the explanation ♪
226
00:08:54,297 --> 00:08:58,714
♪ Rule until you're dead
and never leave your bed ♪
227
00:08:58,797 --> 00:09:02,422
♪ With militarization ♪
228
00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:07,338
All right.
Sounds good.
229
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:11,714
♪♪♪
230
00:09:11,797 --> 00:09:13,547
We've already injected
the military
231
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,672
into everyday
American life --
232
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,922
camouflaged school
resource officers,
233
00:09:18,006 --> 00:09:21,547
camouflaged traffic police,
TSA agents in camo.
234
00:09:21,630 --> 00:09:23,547
But we can do more
235
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:26,922
and urge Congress to pass
the Military Expansion Act,
236
00:09:27,006 --> 00:09:29,422
which would arm health
inspectors with hand grenades,
237
00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:30,839
teach toddlers
in swim classes
238
00:09:30,922 --> 00:09:33,213
how to silently rise from
the water with a knife
239
00:09:33,297 --> 00:09:35,380
between their teeth,
and so on.
240
00:09:35,464 --> 00:09:37,630
And the best part is
all orders
241
00:09:37,714 --> 00:09:40,338
will efficiently come
from the President, me!
242
00:09:40,422 --> 00:09:41,672
Whoo!
243
00:09:41,756 --> 00:09:43,505
I don't know this guy,
but I love him!
244
00:09:43,589 --> 00:09:47,547
Will all due respect, get bent,
you jingoist war-cow!
245
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:50,881
I've never served my country,
and I'm not about to start.
246
00:09:50,964 --> 00:09:53,839
Hey, hey, hey, I get that
some of you might be nervous
247
00:09:53,922 --> 00:09:56,213
about irrevocably
altering our government.
248
00:09:56,297 --> 00:10:00,380
But let me reassure you,
dissenters will be executed.
249
00:10:01,547 --> 00:10:02,672
Whoo?
250
00:10:02,756 --> 00:10:04,589
♪♪♪
251
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:06,380
Sean, our full-scale
military coup
252
00:10:06,464 --> 00:10:08,422
is bound to have
hippy-dippy dissenters,
253
00:10:08,505 --> 00:10:10,297
so I need media
reinforcement.
254
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:11,714
Say no more.
255
00:10:11,797 --> 00:10:13,505
When one of your
newly armed teachers
256
00:10:13,589 --> 00:10:15,338
accidentally shoots
a class bird,
257
00:10:15,422 --> 00:10:18,922
I will do 90 minutes on the
Clinton Foundation's love affair
258
00:10:19,006 --> 00:10:21,006
with al-Baghdadi.
Perfect.
259
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,797
Now, those Fox & Friends guys,
I love 'em to death,
260
00:10:23,881 --> 00:10:26,380
but they're not
exactly state-run TV.
261
00:10:26,464 --> 00:10:27,922
I need you to froth 'em up
for me, buddy.
262
00:10:28,006 --> 00:10:31,505
When I am done with them,
they'll be spewing fire
263
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,714
and the occasional
national weather report.
264
00:10:33,797 --> 00:10:35,881
Oh, yeah, gotta have
the weather report.
265
00:10:35,964 --> 00:10:39,422
As requested for
your military parade,
266
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:40,839
we're giving
the Washington Mall
267
00:10:40,922 --> 00:10:42,422
a much-needed makeover.
268
00:10:42,505 --> 00:10:44,505
Behold!
269
00:10:44,589 --> 00:10:46,839
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to nest in that nostril.
270
00:10:46,922 --> 00:10:48,630
Does PEZ come out
of the mouth?
271
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,797
Shut up, Eric! Does PEZ
come out of it, Dad?
272
00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:52,964
If it doesn't,
someone screwed up.
273
00:10:53,047 --> 00:10:55,088
And why didn't we replace
the Lincoln Memorial
274
00:10:55,172 --> 00:10:56,922
with a bronze
of me in a hammock?
275
00:10:57,006 --> 00:10:59,714
For some reason, Congressional
Democrats blocked it, sir.
276
00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:02,714
You try and try
to be a good dictator,
277
00:11:02,797 --> 00:11:05,172
and some people
make it so difficult.
278
00:11:05,255 --> 00:11:07,464
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
279
00:11:07,547 --> 00:11:09,797
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
280
00:11:09,881 --> 00:11:12,839
Good morning!
It's Fox & Friends!
281
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,547
How is your morning,
Girl Brian?
282
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,088
I found a puppy tied
outside a diner
283
00:11:16,172 --> 00:11:17,547
and claimed it as my own!
284
00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:19,297
And you didn't even
have to buy a soup!
285
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:20,797
What a deal!
286
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,839
Okay, that wasn't
Fox & Friends.
287
00:11:22,922 --> 00:11:25,213
That was Fox and
Fry My Eyeballs.
288
00:11:25,297 --> 00:11:28,881
From now on, this show's
gonna be loud, proud, and LOUD!
289
00:11:28,964 --> 00:11:31,255
You're in luck, because tomorrow
we've got a performance
290
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:33,464
from the Liberty University
Straight Men's Chorus.
291
00:11:33,547 --> 00:11:35,464
Is your brain made of
fish
292
00:11:35,547 --> 00:11:38,505
I want you so fired up,
your viewers' dogs bark
293
00:11:38,589 --> 00:11:39,922
until they pass out!
294
00:11:42,547 --> 00:11:44,172
Your dimples
are fired.
295
00:11:44,255 --> 00:11:47,881
Your script will be all caps
and will be read that way.
296
00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:49,255
-Finally!
-Fin-al-ly!
297
00:11:49,338 --> 00:11:50,964
Finally!
Little lag there.
298
00:11:51,047 --> 00:11:52,964
Time to take my brain
to the Geek Squad.
299
00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,213
Don't worry about
Democratic resistance,
300
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,839
Mr. President.
301
00:11:56,922 --> 00:11:59,422
They've never heard of
the burrito strategy.
302
00:11:59,505 --> 00:12:01,006
What's the
burrito strategy?
303
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,130
I eat a burrito and then
I eat another burrito?
304
00:12:03,213 --> 00:12:05,922
Whenever Congress believes
our nation is under attack,
305
00:12:06,006 --> 00:12:07,922
they cede power
to the White House.
306
00:12:08,006 --> 00:12:10,338
Gulf of Tonkin,
USS Maine.
307
00:12:10,422 --> 00:12:13,881
We start this burrito fire
and let the revolution begin!
308
00:12:13,964 --> 00:12:16,006
Do I get to eat
the burrito afterward?
309
00:12:16,088 --> 00:12:19,047
-It'll be a pile of black ash.
-Answer the question.
310
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:21,088
Okay, repeat after me.
311
00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:24,756
"I'm glad that immigrant doctor
was dragged off that bus!"
312
00:12:24,839 --> 00:12:26,255
I'm glad
that immigrant doctor
313
00:12:26,338 --> 00:12:27,464
was dragged off that bus!
314
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:28,964
Ooh! Dr. Bus!
315
00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:31,338
Jesus, you're all
softer than a kitty cat
316
00:12:31,422 --> 00:12:33,672
choking on a dryer sheet --
so cute!
317
00:12:33,756 --> 00:12:35,797
We're trying, Sean,
but outwardly expressing
318
00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:38,464
our internalized anger
is so new to us.
319
00:12:38,547 --> 00:12:40,006
Our rage
is candy-coated.
320
00:12:40,088 --> 00:12:41,881
Our show is like
a fun airline.
321
00:12:41,964 --> 00:12:43,964
Our viewers are
the passengers,
322
00:12:44,047 --> 00:12:46,630
and I'm the stewardess
rapping about seat belts.
323
00:12:46,714 --> 00:12:49,589
Then let's do it "method."
Stanislavski!
324
00:12:49,672 --> 00:12:52,881
Doocy, you think of that
barista refusing you caffeine.
325
00:12:52,964 --> 00:12:54,797
Ainsley, think of
your employers
326
00:12:54,881 --> 00:12:56,630
accidentally
calling you "Greta."
327
00:12:56,714 --> 00:12:58,881
Brian, think
about thinking.
328
00:12:58,964 --> 00:13:00,881
Now try it again!
329
00:13:00,964 --> 00:13:02,714
I'm glad
that immigrant doctor
was dragged off that bus!
330
00:13:02,797 --> 00:13:05,464
RUN THAT ILLEGAL OVER
WITH THE BUS!
331
00:13:05,547 --> 00:13:08,088
Like music to
my big, fat ears.
332
00:13:08,172 --> 00:13:10,088
Today's burrito fire
333
00:13:10,172 --> 00:13:12,422
is America's darkest hour,
334
00:13:12,505 --> 00:13:14,714
a crime against humanity
335
00:13:14,797 --> 00:13:18,797
surely committed by
a combination of ISIS, MS-13,
336
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,797
and El Yummo Rico's
Frozen Chimichangas.
337
00:13:21,881 --> 00:13:23,756
To respond swiftly
and completely,
338
00:13:23,839 --> 00:13:25,964
we must fold all three
government branches
339
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:29,422
into one big Trump galactic
military empire branch.
340
00:13:29,505 --> 00:13:32,047
Eat my ass!
341
00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:35,338
Democracy prevails!
The blue wave is coming!
342
00:13:35,422 --> 00:13:39,006
In no less than six years,
that Oval Office is ours.
343
00:13:39,088 --> 00:13:41,464
Oh, ho!
Hit 'em with it, Trumpy!
344
00:13:41,547 --> 00:13:43,714
I am so sorry.
345
00:13:43,797 --> 00:13:47,839
I completely forgot you guys
don't support the troops.
346
00:13:47,922 --> 00:13:49,505
Oh, no. The troops?
Of course we do.
347
00:13:49,589 --> 00:13:51,088
Son of a bitch.
348
00:13:51,172 --> 00:13:53,505
I support the troops!
I-I swear to God!
349
00:13:53,589 --> 00:13:54,714
I'll vote for anything!
350
00:13:55,839 --> 00:13:58,172
Oh, you do
support the troops.
351
00:13:58,255 --> 00:13:59,881
Yay!
352
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,422
♪ THREE WHITE PEOPLE
ON A COUCH ♪
353
00:14:02,505 --> 00:14:05,672
♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪
354
00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:09,422
And after that 15-minute moment
of rage-fueled silence
355
00:14:09,505 --> 00:14:12,088
to honor our glorious flag,
let's kick off
356
00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:13,964
Donald Trump's
military parade!
357
00:14:14,047 --> 00:14:16,672
Rise and salute
or be buried alive!
358
00:14:20,172 --> 00:14:22,213
Now please
put your hands together
359
00:14:22,297 --> 00:14:25,422
for the War Mongers
Who Never Served float!
360
00:14:25,505 --> 00:14:27,380
Is that a Smurf?!
No!
361
00:14:27,464 --> 00:14:30,630
It's a balloon featuring
Internment Camp Blueprints.
362
00:14:30,714 --> 00:14:33,088
Don't forget, folks --
tonight at sunset,
363
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:36,130
it's the Flashback-Inducing
Fireworks Display!
364
00:14:36,213 --> 00:14:39,297
And here comes our brave,
noble, fashion-forward
365
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:43,047
Commander-in-Chief himself,
Donald J. Trump!
366
00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:48,255
Everyone's finally
listening to me,
367
00:14:48,338 --> 00:14:50,964
and not just because they have
a tank pointed at their heads.
368
00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:53,672
Now, who wants to fire a cannon
and see what happens?!
369
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:01,756
Holy shit! We blew up
the Library of Congress!
370
00:15:04,088 --> 00:15:08,006
I am just so happy that America
is on the path to peace,
371
00:15:08,088 --> 00:15:11,088
the peace that comes
with death.
372
00:15:11,172 --> 00:15:14,255
Very soon we will march
our armies across the globe
373
00:15:14,338 --> 00:15:16,172
for a new cold war.
374
00:15:16,255 --> 00:15:19,547
Trench foot's back, baby,
and it's smellier than ever!
375
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,630
That was the
best day of my life
376
00:15:25,714 --> 00:15:27,255
since I paid off
that drone pilot
377
00:15:27,338 --> 00:15:30,172
to vaporize my neighbor's
gaudy deck umbrella.
378
00:15:30,255 --> 00:15:32,338
Hey, John,
all that war stuff?
379
00:15:32,422 --> 00:15:34,964
It was just some harmless
violent mob stoking, right?
380
00:15:35,047 --> 00:15:36,672
Nope! The plan's
always been
381
00:15:36,756 --> 00:15:39,380
to fit every single
American with a uniform
382
00:15:39,464 --> 00:15:42,255
then invade the planet.
Oh. Okay.
383
00:15:42,338 --> 00:15:45,130
I kinda thought this was to get
my staff to listen to me.
384
00:15:45,213 --> 00:15:47,881
We did listen to you,
and that's why high schools
385
00:15:47,964 --> 00:15:49,881
now only offer one
foreign-language class --
386
00:15:49,964 --> 00:15:51,047
wind-talking.
387
00:15:51,130 --> 00:15:52,589
But isn't war muddy?
388
00:15:52,672 --> 00:15:54,714
I mean, everyone's trying
to save Matt Damon,
389
00:15:54,797 --> 00:15:56,505
but they get
the wrong Matt Damon,
390
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,797
then you run out of popcorn
in the middle of the war,
391
00:15:58,881 --> 00:16:00,172
and you have to go get more,
392
00:16:00,255 --> 00:16:02,922
but they stopped making
popcorn at 10:45 p.m.
393
00:16:03,006 --> 00:16:04,881
Basically,
isn't war hell?
394
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,672
-War.
-War!
395
00:16:06,756 --> 00:16:08,589
-War!
-War!
396
00:16:08,672 --> 00:16:10,088
-War!
-War!
397
00:16:10,172 --> 00:16:11,964
-War!
-War!
398
00:16:15,464 --> 00:16:17,338
GREAT SHOW!
399
00:16:17,422 --> 00:16:18,672
BRIAN KILMEADE!
400
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,464
Hey, guys, is anyone
feeling a little on edge?
401
00:16:24,547 --> 00:16:26,380
Yeah.
To get out all my anger,
402
00:16:26,464 --> 00:16:28,797
I had to join a backyard
wrestling league.
403
00:16:28,881 --> 00:16:31,172
I chased down Ainsley's
new dog and ate it.
404
00:16:31,255 --> 00:16:32,922
So that's how he died.
405
00:16:33,006 --> 00:16:34,672
Yes, I ate the dog.
406
00:16:34,756 --> 00:16:36,380
I thought I would
like being angry,
407
00:16:36,464 --> 00:16:38,338
but it's turning me
into a real wackadoodle.
408
00:16:38,422 --> 00:16:40,922
I miss calling
Kirsten Gillibrand a Muslim
409
00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:43,380
with a smile so big,
my veneers fuse.
410
00:16:43,464 --> 00:16:45,172
♪♪♪
411
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:47,964
We all agree we should bomb
the Middle East,
412
00:16:48,047 --> 00:16:49,297
but did you know
there's a place
413
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:52,380
with even more resources
and villagers?
414
00:16:52,464 --> 00:16:55,422
China! It's time they
answer for our debts.
415
00:16:55,505 --> 00:16:57,213
What the hell
are you suggesting?
416
00:16:57,297 --> 00:16:59,172
Asian Invasion,
baby!
417
00:16:59,255 --> 00:17:01,338
It makes sense,
and it rhymes,
418
00:17:01,422 --> 00:17:03,547
so you know we're gonna
sell a ton of merch.
419
00:17:03,630 --> 00:17:06,088
China? I-Isn't that where
Bloodsport was filmed?
420
00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:08,130
Hey, Donald, why
don't you wait outside
421
00:17:08,213 --> 00:17:10,088
until we finish
planning this war?
422
00:17:10,172 --> 00:17:12,589
Then we'll invite you back in
when the pens come out.
423
00:17:12,672 --> 00:17:13,797
I wanna stay!
424
00:17:13,881 --> 00:17:15,756
And I want to
invade China.
425
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:18,672
We can't all have what
we want, except for me.
426
00:17:18,756 --> 00:17:21,797
And although his hot tub
might be full of algae,
427
00:17:21,881 --> 00:17:23,589
that old man
found solace
428
00:17:23,672 --> 00:17:25,714
knowing his pool boy
was deported.
429
00:17:25,797 --> 00:17:28,714
When we come back, your son
looks completely normal.
430
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:29,964
Is he on drugs?
431
00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:31,464
And the
Liberty University
432
00:17:31,547 --> 00:17:34,130
Straight Men's Choir
sings a requiem to my dog.
433
00:17:34,213 --> 00:17:35,338
-I ate the dog.
-Clear!
434
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,630
What the hell
was that?!
435
00:17:36,714 --> 00:17:39,505
Ainsley, you barely talked
above 60 decibels!
436
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:42,006
And, Doocy, when you said,
"Michael Avenatti
437
00:17:42,088 --> 00:17:43,505
is holding
Desmond Tutu hostage,"
438
00:17:43,589 --> 00:17:45,881
your face didn't
even turn gray!
439
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:48,213
Sean, we decided
we have to do us,
440
00:17:48,297 --> 00:17:50,922
which is you but with
less-dilated pupils.
441
00:17:51,006 --> 00:17:54,756
I berated demeaning
instructions at you for hours,
442
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,505
and this is how
you repay me?!
443
00:17:56,589 --> 00:17:58,505
Are you gonna shatter
that camera lens
444
00:17:58,589 --> 00:18:00,338
with conspiracy-fueled
screaming,
445
00:18:00,422 --> 00:18:02,630
or should I find
three other stooges
446
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:05,006
to be the President's
daytime mouthpiece?!
447
00:18:06,006 --> 00:18:08,172
I have my answer.
448
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,881
Good luck to you all.
449
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,464
Aw! Good luck!
450
00:18:11,547 --> 00:18:13,213
♪♪♪
451
00:18:13,297 --> 00:18:16,172
All I wanted was a little
more control in my life,
452
00:18:16,255 --> 00:18:17,589
and what I got
was a World War
453
00:18:17,672 --> 00:18:19,422
with the people
who make my ties.
454
00:18:19,505 --> 00:18:21,672
My poor little ties.
455
00:18:21,756 --> 00:18:24,714
You thought the nation was just
gonna lift a bunch of weights
456
00:18:24,797 --> 00:18:27,630
and not want to punch a sleeping
homeless person on the subway?
457
00:18:27,714 --> 00:18:30,422
Tell you what, we wipe
China off the map,
458
00:18:30,505 --> 00:18:32,338
and afterwards,
if you don't like it,
459
00:18:32,422 --> 00:18:33,881
we'll never do it again.
460
00:18:33,964 --> 00:18:36,589
I said no! And you
have to listen to me!
461
00:18:36,672 --> 00:18:38,714
I'm the
Commander-in-Chief.
462
00:18:38,797 --> 00:18:41,006
No. I'm the
Commander-in-Chief.
463
00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:43,297
Look.
Huh! Nice try, John.
464
00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:45,756
I've looked at every reflective
surface I've ever passed,
465
00:18:45,839 --> 00:18:47,006
so I know
that's a mirror.
466
00:18:47,088 --> 00:18:49,589
The wheels of war
are turning,
467
00:18:49,672 --> 00:18:52,297
and if you want to stop them,
it's going to take work.
468
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:54,338
Is that what
you want
469
00:18:54,422 --> 00:18:56,213
No. I guess not.
470
00:18:56,297 --> 00:19:01,464
♪ suspenseful music ♪
471
00:19:01,547 --> 00:19:03,881
Sir, I got a new stack
of war declarations
472
00:19:03,964 --> 00:19:05,047
for you to consider.
473
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:06,464
This one would
flatten Germany,
474
00:19:06,547 --> 00:19:08,338
justified by their
previous track record.
475
00:19:08,422 --> 00:19:10,338
And this one's to
napalm Mt. Everest
476
00:19:10,422 --> 00:19:12,130
and make the unrecognized
state of Tibet
477
00:19:12,213 --> 00:19:13,672
even more
unrecognizable.
478
00:19:13,756 --> 00:19:15,672
Why can't we just do
a civil war?
479
00:19:15,756 --> 00:19:17,047
Everyone's already armed,
480
00:19:17,130 --> 00:19:18,922
people could still have dinner
with their families.
481
00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:21,464
Ugh, Sarah, can you
get me some KFC?
482
00:19:21,547 --> 00:19:24,172
Unfortunately, they've become
a weapons manufacturer --
483
00:19:24,255 --> 00:19:26,297
"Kentucky Fieldwork
Cluster-munitions."
484
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:27,756
If it's any consolation,
485
00:19:27,839 --> 00:19:30,213
they still have the same code
to use their bathroom.
486
00:19:30,297 --> 00:19:31,630
You don't need those guys!
You don't need 'em!
487
00:19:31,714 --> 00:19:33,255
You're Stevie Nicks, baby.
488
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,006
You can do it all with the power
of Hannity and Friends.
489
00:19:36,088 --> 00:19:38,088
In three, two, one.
490
00:19:38,172 --> 00:19:39,797
Three white
people on a couch.
491
00:19:39,881 --> 00:19:41,172
It's Fox & Friends.
492
00:19:41,255 --> 00:19:43,589
Welcome back to Fox & Friends.
493
00:19:43,672 --> 00:19:45,380
That's right! It's Hannity!
494
00:19:45,464 --> 00:19:47,672
And filling in for
those bloodless traitors
495
00:19:47,756 --> 00:19:50,297
are my spiritually
conjoined twins,
496
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:52,922
Sebastian Gorka
and Alex Jones.
497
00:19:53,006 --> 00:19:56,255
Good dawn, Sean!
It is I, Gorka!
498
00:19:56,338 --> 00:19:58,255
Sunlight is poison,
okay?!
499
00:19:58,338 --> 00:20:01,714
And my Alpha Power pills
are the only cure!
500
00:20:01,797 --> 00:20:04,006
Temperate weather today
in the Northeast,
501
00:20:04,088 --> 00:20:06,380
all but confirming
that "Climate Change"
502
00:20:06,464 --> 00:20:09,839
is a liberal myth perpetuated
by Janeane Garofalo!
503
00:20:09,922 --> 00:20:11,464
I'll go one further, Sean,
504
00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:13,839
and say mild weather
is the beginning
505
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:17,630
of the long-prophesied
solar flare of Attila
506
00:20:17,714 --> 00:20:21,547
that will darken and cool
the Earth for a thousand annus!
507
00:20:21,630 --> 00:20:25,630
Seasons are a simulation,
the equator is flat,
508
00:20:25,714 --> 00:20:27,839
and the Earth
is a spinning disk
509
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,547
that will soon be engulfed
by interdimensional warlocks!
510
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,881
We have confirmation
from reddit's manga page!
511
00:20:33,964 --> 00:20:35,380
Whew!
Pace yourself, guys.
512
00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:37,047
We got three hours.
Come on.
513
00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:39,881
Coming up, our ethno-crepes
cooking segment
514
00:20:39,964 --> 00:20:43,756
hosted by Stephen Miller
and a shackled Bobby Flay.
515
00:20:46,672 --> 00:20:47,714
♪ IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ♪
516
00:20:47,797 --> 00:20:49,422
I thought militarizing
517
00:20:49,505 --> 00:20:51,338
the government
would give me control.
518
00:20:51,422 --> 00:20:52,630
No, no, keep talking.
519
00:20:52,714 --> 00:20:55,172
The expired meatball
is just doing his thing.
520
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,797
But now Bolton is deciding
everything for me --
521
00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:59,380
what I wear,
what I eat,
522
00:20:59,464 --> 00:21:02,505
what stretch of Estonian tundra
I use for a black site.
523
00:21:02,589 --> 00:21:05,589
Why don't you figure this out
literally anywhere else?
524
00:21:05,672 --> 00:21:09,172
You're right, Melania.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
525
00:21:09,255 --> 00:21:13,589
♪ soft, dreamy music ♪
526
00:21:13,672 --> 00:21:15,130
Asshole!
527
00:21:15,213 --> 00:21:18,130
♪ Feeling suffocation ♪
528
00:21:18,213 --> 00:21:22,797
♪ About militarization ♪
529
00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:24,547
♪ Tearing up the Mall ♪
530
00:21:24,630 --> 00:21:30,839
♪ Should I reinstall
democratization? ♪
531
00:21:33,797 --> 00:21:37,088
A tank rolls through a Hardee's
and then the National Mall?
532
00:21:37,172 --> 00:21:38,756
I thought
I'd find you here.
533
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:41,088
Kelly, why do we
have to blow up China?
534
00:21:41,172 --> 00:21:44,589
Can't I just threaten
to blow up China on
Twitter like I used to?
535
00:21:44,672 --> 00:21:46,922
Have you told Bolton
how you feel about this?
536
00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:48,047
He has ears, you know.
537
00:21:48,130 --> 00:21:49,380
He doesn't listen!
538
00:21:49,464 --> 00:21:51,547
He's always yapping --
"Bomb Iran"
539
00:21:51,630 --> 00:21:53,714
and "Too late;
I bombed Iran."
540
00:21:53,797 --> 00:21:56,797
Mr. President, you can have
all the bombs in the world --
541
00:21:56,881 --> 00:21:59,172
and we pretty much have
for the last hundred years --
542
00:21:59,255 --> 00:22:01,547
but that doesn't
make you in control.
543
00:22:01,630 --> 00:22:03,006
What do you know
about the military?
544
00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:04,672
I was in
the military.
545
00:22:04,756 --> 00:22:05,881
What?
You never mentioned that.
546
00:22:05,964 --> 00:22:07,964
I absolutely have.
547
00:22:08,047 --> 00:22:10,714
And despite how it appears, we
have even less control than you.
548
00:22:10,797 --> 00:22:12,881
You know how many times
I've tried to drone a hospital
549
00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:14,881
and ended up droning
the wrong hospital?
550
00:22:14,964 --> 00:22:16,922
Right.
I mean, I like guns,
551
00:22:17,006 --> 00:22:19,213
and I like when things
come out of guns.
552
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:21,922
But when it hits the guy?
I don't know. It's scary.
553
00:22:22,006 --> 00:22:23,881
Great point,
Mr. President.
554
00:22:23,964 --> 00:22:27,130
The only way to
truly feel in control
555
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:29,964
is to control yourself.
556
00:22:30,047 --> 00:22:32,130
Kelly, I'm not sure
if you still work for me,
557
00:22:32,213 --> 00:22:34,255
but if you do,
I'm glad.
558
00:22:34,338 --> 00:22:35,672
Hannity,
you're on in five.
559
00:22:35,756 --> 00:22:38,630
Sean, I suggest we skip
the weather segment
560
00:22:38,714 --> 00:22:41,756
and cut straight
to my musings on jihad!
561
00:22:41,839 --> 00:22:43,380
What the hell are
you doing, Sean?
562
00:22:43,464 --> 00:22:46,338
Aw, Sean, turn that
frown inside out
563
00:22:46,422 --> 00:22:48,255
and make your gums
your lips.
564
00:22:48,338 --> 00:22:49,630
What are you
doing here?
565
00:22:49,714 --> 00:22:51,881
We watched the show
over white jazz brunch.
566
00:22:51,964 --> 00:22:53,464
We could tell
that by minute 30
567
00:22:53,547 --> 00:22:55,672
you were in the midst
of a psychological breakdown.
568
00:22:55,756 --> 00:22:58,297
My schtick just doesn't
work at 6:00 a.m.
569
00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:00,714
People need an entire
miserable day
570
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,380
to build up to my rage.
571
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:04,547
Sean, we owe you
an apology.
572
00:23:04,630 --> 00:23:06,338
When you encouraged us
to surrender our brains
573
00:23:06,422 --> 00:23:08,047
to the will of
an erratic leader,
574
00:23:08,130 --> 00:23:09,922
we thought,
"What could go wrong?"
575
00:23:10,006 --> 00:23:12,630
The answer was our emotional
well-being and nothing else.
576
00:23:12,714 --> 00:23:15,047
You know, we're two sides
of the same nickel.
577
00:23:15,130 --> 00:23:17,006
Your side is just
a little more polished,
578
00:23:17,088 --> 00:23:19,630
and my side has Thomas Jefferson
and everything he represents.
579
00:23:19,714 --> 00:23:21,881
Why don't we go back to
doing what we do best?
580
00:23:21,964 --> 00:23:22,797
Journalism!
581
00:23:22,881 --> 00:23:24,006
♪♪♪
582
00:23:24,672 --> 00:23:27,672
Just read exactly
what the prompter says,
583
00:23:27,756 --> 00:23:30,797
and you'll finally
be in control.
584
00:23:30,881 --> 00:23:32,464
♪♪♪
585
00:23:32,547 --> 00:23:34,338
And now, a message
586
00:23:34,422 --> 00:23:36,505
from the President
of the United States.
587
00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:39,922
My fellow Americans,
I declare...
588
00:23:40,006 --> 00:23:41,630
I declare...
589
00:23:41,714 --> 00:23:44,088
I...I...
590
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:45,797
I can't do this.
591
00:23:45,881 --> 00:23:48,338
There are many valid
reasons to go to war --
592
00:23:48,422 --> 00:23:51,964
cheap oil, natural-gas reserves,
untapped petroleum --
593
00:23:52,047 --> 00:23:54,297
but we weren't going to war
for those reasons.
594
00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:57,255
We were going
because I wanted control,
595
00:23:57,338 --> 00:23:59,589
but a mushroom cloud,
though it might look pretty
596
00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:02,213
and sound tasty, isn't control.
597
00:24:02,297 --> 00:24:05,297
True control
is controlling yourself,
598
00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:08,589
and I am in con--
599
00:24:15,756 --> 00:24:19,088
Before you blame me, it --
that could be anyone's tank.
600
00:24:19,172 --> 00:24:21,338
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
601
00:24:21,422 --> 00:24:23,422
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
602
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:25,839
Good morning.
It's Fox & Friends.
603
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,964
Our dimples are back,
and our theme song
604
00:24:28,047 --> 00:24:30,047
sounds like Christian rock
once more.
605
00:24:30,130 --> 00:24:33,213
It's a glorious day for everyone
but the cast of Bloodsport,
606
00:24:33,297 --> 00:24:36,714
which Sean Hannity left in
his trunk for a week straight.
607
00:24:36,797 --> 00:24:38,047
♪♪♪
608
00:24:38,130 --> 00:24:40,547
Ah, it's so nice to be back
in this breathable
609
00:24:40,630 --> 00:24:43,047
luxury lambswool
latex-blend suit.
610
00:24:43,130 --> 00:24:45,839
Sir, we are back
to DEFCON 5, or 1,
611
00:24:45,922 --> 00:24:47,130
or whatever
the good one is.
612
00:24:47,213 --> 00:24:48,547
Am I in trouble?
613
00:24:48,630 --> 00:24:51,589
Oh, John, I can't
stay mad at you.
614
00:24:51,672 --> 00:24:53,464
You're the only enemy
I don't want to make.
615
00:24:53,547 --> 00:24:55,380
I know about
your list.
616
00:24:55,464 --> 00:24:58,380
And I'm sorry for going off
the handle like that.
617
00:24:58,464 --> 00:25:01,130
I don't need to bomb
the world. Just Iran.
618
00:25:01,213 --> 00:25:02,338
Bolton!
619
00:25:02,422 --> 00:25:03,756
W
620
00:25:03,839 --> 00:25:06,338
But seriously,
if we don't strike first,
621
00:25:06,422 --> 00:25:07,756
they will kill us.
622
00:25:09,338 --> 00:25:12,422
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
623
00:25:12,505 --> 00:25:15,881
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
624
00:25:15,964 --> 00:25:18,213
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
625
00:25:18,297 --> 00:25:19,922
♪ Yes, he is ♪
626
00:25:20,006 --> 00:25:22,881
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
627
00:25:22,964 --> 00:25:25,422
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
628
00:25:25,505 --> 00:25:27,006
♪ Yes, he is ♪
629
00:25:27,088 --> 00:25:30,006
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
630
00:25:30,088 --> 00:25:34,964
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
631
00:25:37,297 --> 00:25:38,881
♪ Donald Trump ♪
632
00:25:38,964 --> 00:25:42,297
♪ He is our president ♪
633
00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:45,714
♪ We made him president ♪
634
00:25:45,797 --> 00:25:48,088
♪ We did it ♪
635
00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:52,088
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
636
00:25:52,172 --> 00:25:55,130
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
637
00:25:55,213 --> 00:25:58,756
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
638
00:25:58,839 --> 00:26:02,213
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
639
00:26:02,297 --> 00:26:05,922
♪ Yeah ♪
640
00:26:06,006 --> 00:26:07,589
Trump!
46404
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