Original subtitles

I'm Anderson Cooper, and I was raised by a butler.

This week, former Trump adviser Omarosa Manigault Newman

released a tell-all book about President Trump,

something all sentient beings saw coming the day he hired her.

- She joins us now. - Thank you for having me, Anderson.

I'm not asking for much.

Just the attention of every human being on this planet

- and all of the money. - You're insane,

and somehow the most credible person

to work in this White House.

Omarosa recorded secret tapes of Trump and his advisers.

We have not verified their authenticity,

but, in our defense, we really want to hear them.

We need a response should a tape leak

of you uttering a racially-charged slur

Did you see those bikers for Trump?

I think we were gonna be okay.

I mean, if anything throw a beat under that racist tape.

I bet it'll be the song of summer.

Jeff sessions. What do you think?

Before the meeting I put a big gumball in his mouth

for obvious reasons. I Swallowed that gumball

'cause I got a lot to say on this subject.

- Meeting adjourned! - Time to go scream

some stuff in my car.

Do you think President Trump is fit for office?

- Keep in mind, he hired you. - I don't, Anderson.

And that is why I'm running for president in 2020.

After serving, my library will proudly display my frozen head.

The next tape is a phone call to Omarosa from the President

after she had been fired.

General kelly just fire me.

What? How Could this be?

Oh, well I Wish I had control of this.

But unfortunately I'm power-less around here.

Sir, as requested, we exhumed the body

of Dave the Wendy guy for cllues to

how he got the big potato so hot?

I'm being told the President has just released this tape

which he says, get this, puts Omarosa's credibility in doubt.

I haven't listened yet, but there's no way it's not stupid.

- I'm Anderson Cooper. - No, you're not. Get out of there.

Oh, hello! Omarosa

Hello! Donald. You never say racial slurs

and you look so handsome in your golf pant

Both those things are true.

If I say anything bad about you,

it's because Hillary Clinton paid me.

Anderson, I have a confession. That's me on that tape.

No, it's not, Omarosa.

Coming up, would Americans prefer

Mike Pence or Donald Trump as president?

It's a decision no developed country

should ask its citizens to make.

*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT* Season 01 Episode 16 Episode Title: "Civil War"

Oh, no! MS-13!

Synchronized by srjanapala

As President Trump makes a play

to be the Dalai Lama of racism, a new poll shows that

given the choice between Donald Trump and Mike Pence,

a majority of Americans prefer Pence to serve as president.

The poll was conducted just after Mike Pence

delivered these soaring remarks.

I believe America is still a shining city upon a hill.

That was in sharp contrast

to the President's speech that same day.

America's shiny, but the light is attracting bugs.

I'm talking about Mexicans here, folks.

I say we shove our power lines into the ground

so America's nice and zappy.

Again, the bugs are Mexicans.

The contrast has Americans wondering

if doctors should put Trump in a two-year medically induced coma,

triggering the 25th Amendment,

and making Pence our President,

which could be better, or maybe worse.

I don't know. I'm so tired.

Forget about that nuke that tips over when it's windy.

We've got bigger problems.

Oh, what did I do?

You told me to never sneeze again,

and since the surgery, I haven't.

Congratulations, Michael,

the American people prefer you to be president.

So... you gonna take my job?

- No, I... - Not gonna talk, huh?

That's fine. I have someone who can get answers.

Hi, there!

So did Pence confess that he's gonna push me out?

Nah. I waterboarded him about 130 times.

Around the century mark, he shoved a letter opener

in my face and begged me to kill him, and I thought,

"Here comes the confession." And it just flat out never came.

Oh, well. Try again tomorrow.

I've already put a drain in the floor of my office.

In the meantime, I'll show the American people

that I'm way more presidential than Mike Pence.

Rapist Mexican immigrants

are plotting to steal the election, folks.

It's true. I saw video of myself saying it.

That's why I'm proud to introduce

the Minority Disenfranchisement Act.

Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for coming.

Your notebooks and tape recorders

will be confiscated on the way out.

If can't frame it as disenfranchising minorities,

then how should I frame it, genius?

Frame it as "preserving the integrity of our elections."

You want me to lie?

You know presidential historians nicknamed me "Honest Don."

At the risk of drowning followed by panicked

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, we're not asking you to lie.

We're asking you to leave out the part of the truth

that people won't like.

Oh, hello, Mike. How was the swim?

With the Lord as my witness, I'm not trying to take your job.

There he is, the real Michael Pence.

You know, I walked those streets.

I know the game. Lure me in.

Tell me we've got a big future together.

Before I know it, you're sitting at that desk

and I'm waking up in a motel room

with a bloody crowbar in my hand and a dead runaway

I've never seen before sprawled across the duvet!

Sir, I am completely happy as Vice President.

No one's happy to be Vice President.

- It's the Eric of cabinet positions. - Hey, that's my name, too!

Karen, during my third drowning-induced cardiac arrest, I thought,

"I have no eyes for the Oval Office,"

- but what about you? - Do you want to be the First Lady?

Oh, no. I don't like attention unless it's during

the church's Messiah Macarena Dance Competition.

Exactly. You wouldn't want to wear

fashion couture dresses, be on the cover of Redbook,

and introduce your Trinkets for the Troops cause to the world.

- Right, Karen? - Aaaahhh!

Ooh-hoo-hoo! Sorry, I-I got a little excited.

Once again, sir, I call upon you

to indulge a sausage-based metaphor.

Your beliefs are the scrumptious

viscera inside the sausage,

but Kelly and Pence want you to wrap them in a sterile casing.

I like the casing. It's shiny so I can watch myself eat.

But shiny isn't what got you elected.

You got elected because you scooped out

America's guts and did entrail angels

on the presidential debate floor.

You're right. I'm sick of my words always having to wear a suit.

Tomorrow, they're showing up to Fox & Friends

wearing a T-shirt and no pants.

Why does this taste like quarters?

Because one of the sausage workers fell into the vat

- on his way to the arcade. - Huh.

♪ Three white people on a couch ♪

♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪

First, the P.C. police protested our all-white tribute

to Motown, and now they're protesting

his Minority Disenfranchisement Act.

We have the President on the line to respond.

Thanks, Elizabeth, but I've decided that the name

"Minority Disenfranchisement Act" is too tame.

Instead, we're gonna call it the "Make It Harder

- for Non-Whites to Vote Act." - My heart is saying "yes,"

but the producer in my ear is screaming, "God no!"

As long as we're telling the truth,

a storefront psychic swindled me out of $800,000

and the police can't do anything.

Uh, gotta go. I can hear Kelly

stomping down the hall. Love you. Bye.

- Sir... - I didn't do anything!

Are you happy? You just went on national television,

torpedoed your bill, and wrote the Democrats'

next campaign ad.

Sure, I'm in a pit, but if I dig a little deeper,

I'll find a sewage main and escape through a suburban toilet,

and that toilet is an appearance on Hannity.

- No! - No! Mr. President,

I want to show you something.

- What do you see here? - A painting of me and the boys

at Roy Cohn's Louis the XVI party?

Why would that be in the White House?

It's our forefathers withholding voting rights from slaves and women,

but they didn't shout that part from the rooftops.

They told everyone they were laying the groundwork

for the greatest nation in history,

and people have been guzzling that slop ever since.

Do you see it, Donald?

Fine day, Mr. President.

President Franklin?

None of us is above error.

In fact, I dipped my pen in inkwells

from the Boston seaports to the River Seine

and all the syphilitic shanty towns in between.

- Cool. - But when in

respectable company, I spoke nary a word about it.

And so the citizenry knows me not

as the Fondler of Prostitutes,

but the Founder of a Nation.

When someone gazes upon your portrait,

what do you want them to see other than a neck

that looks like a buffalo bladder wearing a belt?

So what do you say?

Can I help you code your abject racism?

I don't trust you. I don't respect you.

I think your hair is weird. I think you're weird. Still...

I'm gonna speak your dumb politician language.

But one move toward my job,

and I'll replace you with a big

animatronic gopher playing tambourine.

All right, buddy, the key to getting voters to stomach rancid policy

is smothering it in a nice linguistic aioli.

For example, what did we call legislation

that allowed the CIA to racially profile Muslims?

The "2002 All Muslims Are Terrorists Compromise"?

- Paul? - The Patriot Act.

- That's what I said! - What did we call the mission

- to take out Saddam Hussein? - I don't know.

"Operation I Likey Da Oil, I Takey Da Oil"?

Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Just keep using the words freedom, patriot, and liberty.

I've already forgotten them. What were they again?

Tatas, beef bucket, and goofy German?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

What coin did you eat too close to bed this time?

- Quarters. - Then go see a doctor,

if only so I can know your estimated time of departure from Earth.

Fine. Get me Dr. Bornstein.

You're not going to a doctor who calls your organs "doohickies."

Mr. President, any complaints or concerns about your health?

I'm worried I might live forever.

- And what's your diet? - Three square meals.

Five rectangular meals. A handful of flat, oozing snacks.

- Any exercise? - Constant wild gesticulation.

Sexual history?

Unprotected adult film stars that I meet at charity events,

and some other stuff Ronan Farrow's still ferreting out.

Anything else I need to know?

Hmm, well, my teeth turned to sponges

and my tongue turned to bone.

Every time I blink, it sounds like someone dropped a book.

Oh, and I ate a bunch of quarters.

You may have an abdominal obstruction,

but I need to conduct an ultrasound to know for sure.

No surgeries.

Surgery means Mike Pence becomes president

and I wake up in Yankee Stadium,

swinging my tie clip at five angry tigers.

In a few moments, the President will host

a roundtable with the Congressional Black Caucus.

- Remember, stay on script. - Relax, Mike.

I know the African-Americans way better than you.

The State of New York made me rent to them.

Hey, I got some things to say about LeBron James!

What?

Next on Knitting with Natalie,

Natalie shows you how to knit envelopes.

Oooh!

We now return to

William Shakespeare's Macbeth

as performed by The Children's Theatre of Sherman Oaks.

Come, you spirits that tend

on mortal thoughts, unsex me here...

This isn't Natalie.

And fill me from the crown to the toe

top-full of direst cruelty.

Make thick my blood.

I don't see the clicker. God must want me to watch this!

Oooooooh!

Well, Mikey, it's for me time to step aside.

Work hours are 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

If you want something to eat, scream it.

Oh, and go easy on Putin.

I know it looks like he's not doing much,

but he's keeping the lights on around here.

Hold on, Donald. I haven't been up front with you.

Yes, I want to be president, but not right now.

Right now, I'm here to support you

just like you were there to support me

when it came out that I supported you

after the Access Hollywood tape.

- You mean it, Mikey? - I do. Now do you trust me?

Dad? Ivanka refuses to help me!

My eccentric brother wants me to reopen

my factory and produce a Kevlar shirt

that protects him during sea gull attacks.

- It'd take them one second! - Eric, we talked about this.

You get one idea per year

and you already mentioned coffee for kids.

Of course, the answer was right in front of me all along!

Eric doesn't have an appealing personality, right?

- Yes. - But Ivanka does.

- Yes. - When you talk to the press

about policy, describe it like you would

describe Ivanka and never mention the Eric parts.

We must protect the freedom and liberty of our patriotic nation

by passing the Fair Elections Act.

It's the same as the Minority Disenfranchisement Act,

but with a palatable name.

And I couldn't have given it that sheen of civility

without a little scum-guzzling fish, Mike Pence.

Now I urge Congress to immediately pass

the Fair Elections Act.

What you said up there, it was very Ivanka.

We make a good team.

Mr. President, there's been an incident.

I need you to come with me.

- Can't. Unless you say there's cake. - There isn't cake.

It doesn't matter to that part of my brain.

It'll go if you say there's cake.

- There's cake. - Here we go!

The alt-right is striking while the racism's hot,

only this time in Stone Mountain, Georgia,

in support of the Confederate Memorial Carving.

Tensions are high.

To go down there and gloss things over.

- Not it. - I'll do it.

- I'm gonna be down there anyway. - No, you will not.

Sanders, keep him away from any cameras.

Oh, where the hell did he go?!

Don't worry, I'll get him. Jeff! Jeff!!

I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr. President,

if only so you can take the high road.

Ooh, the high road!

Sounds like a great perch to insult people on the low road.

You're not voicing support?!

You're letting Mike Pence storm your right flank

and capture your suckling Confederate pups.

If this happened last week, I would've been down

there calling them good men with valid points,

but I no longer say out loud what I 100% believe.

To think, I was gonna name you godfather

to my jumping spiders Nietzsche and Red Pill!

You're developing a blockage, it's getting worse,

and you need immediate emergency surgery.

It's a three-hour procedure.

- What's this? - A letter that triggers

the 25th Amendment and hands over power

to the VP while you're in surgery.

Just enough time for Pence to push me out.

Sorry, Doc, I'd rather be buried with these quarters

like some broke-ass King Tut.

Screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail!

Karen, why in the name of Faith Hill are you sitting in darkness?

It's time to start your 2020 campaign, Michael.

We could launch Trinkets for Troops

and finally find out who killed JFK,

Janny Franny Karlarny, my elderly neighbor growing up.

No! Donald's my buddy. I won't do it.

People don't waterboard their buddies.

I told you, it's old-fashioned office ribbing.

This conversation's not worth the electricity.

Ooh, it's like I'm inside the tea kettle.

Hannity!

It's day two of the Stone Mountain Patriots defending their

heritage while open-carrying surface-to-air missile launchers.

Unlike after Charlottesville when Trump rightfully blamed

both the murderers and the murdered,

this time, he's M.I.A.

Joining us now is his adviser Stephen Miller.

Sean, I love more than anything to be in the scent

radius of the President, but I must report that

he has forsaken his duty to defend our tribe!

Whoa! Hold on, Stevie.

He-He's probably just waiting for the perfect time to swoop in

and stick little American flags in the marchers' neckbeards.

Wrong! Suddenly, he's too dignified

to step into the slaughterhouse

as opposed to Mike Pence, who's not afraid

to dive face first into ground up cow anus.

All hail Mike Pence!

I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr. President.

in your place, Mr. President.

Oh! Mr. President, what brings you here today?

I was the perfect president,

but then you convinced me to take the high road

knowing full well it was bumpy

and I was lying in the back trying like hell to eat soup!

Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.

Is this from a movie? I've only seen two movies,

and it was Mystic Pizza twice.

Everyone thought I was better than Lincoln,

then you got me to talk like you.

Now they only think I'm as good as Lincoln.

Sir, again, I'm not trying to undermine you!

I believe you, but I can't speak for Bolton.

Hi, there!

You know what? The way this White House

tortures me, maybe Karen's right.

Maybe I should run for president in 2020,

if only to find out if the CIA really did kill

Janny Franny Karlarny,

my wife's elderly neighbor when she was growing up!

Bravo. Now we know where we stand.

Now give me your vice president badge

and send in the animatronic gopher!

Send in the animatronic gopher!

Send in the animatronic gopher!

We're here with Washington's hot new "it" boy Michael Pence,

and he can call me "Mother" any time he likes.

I'm the president, and if anyone should be called

"Mother," it's me.

Let's talk about the rumors.

Are you actually dating Gigi Hadid?

Karen and I will be together until the end of days next week.

- Awwww. - I love love.

But this is why I'm here.

The American people should know

that the President has my full loyalty,

but I will challenge him for the Republican nomination in 2020.

- Hey-o! - You naughty!

- Oooh, I done did it! - Hold that thought, you sexy tiger.

We got the President on the line!

Hey, we're here with your best friend,

Mike Pence, trying to score some hot goss.

He's not my friend.

I bet he's sitting in my Oval Office chair right now,

spinning around with his long blond hair

flowing in the breeze.

- Sir, he's right here. - I think this is all in your head.

Make-believe, if you will.

That's Brian Kilmeade saying that, so I would listen.

If you're listening, Mike,

I will have my revenge in this life or the next.

That's from Gladiator.

It's a good movie, and I'm gonna go watch it right now.

When we come back, we'll meet a baker

who refuses to bake anything for anyone.

Okay, explain why I'm not currently sweating

under nine blankets with a bowl of hot cheese under my chin.

Since you won't get surgery and cede power to Mike Pence,

your stomach's gonna explode.

You look like a whale!

That's very sweet that you're concerned with my health.

Daddy, we're more concerned that,

when you explode, everything will be covered

in undigested grape Slurpee.

- Hello! I'm wearing a shirt! - That won't work.

- It's not gonna be enough. - You're gonna blow through it

- like tissue paper. - At the very least,

we want you to sit in this storage container.

- Is there air in there? - Eric promised me he put air in there.

- Eric? - Yeah!

Uh, just give me 20 minutes to check.

My vice president wants my job,

my children want to lock me in a storage container,

and now everyone doesn't think I'm racist.

Here is my advice to thee.

The citizenry believes that legislators are good people

when they stay above the fray.

But no one asks, is that indeed good?

Is it good to look past the ugliness within?

Maybe someone needs to make that inquiry.

Also, watch out for that Pence fucker.

He'll gut you like a portly grouper.

I know, right?

- Yes, definitely. - He's dumb.

- He is a fucker. - Absolutely.

Hey, how are you talking to me anyway?

You've had a 105 degree fever for a fortnight.

Sir? Is everything okay?

Mr. President? Mr. President?

Mr. President!!

Mr. President?

Sir, if we don't conduct this surgery now, you will die.

Sign the letter triggering the 25th Amendment.

You'll only be under for three hours.

Why so sad? This is everything you wanted.

How will you demean the office first?

De-escalate tensions with our strongest allies?

As much as I want to be president for a few hours,

I want even more for my friend to be okay.

You need to listen to me. Get the surgery.

You need to listen to me.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Look, Mike, I hate to do this,

but I need to listen to you.

I don't want your charity. Give it to Mike Pence.

He's so poor, he believes in God.

We're totally throwing a party.

It's gonna make Mnuchin's party look like

Mike Pence's personality.

I hate my stupid cabinet!

Why can't they all be like Mike Pence?!

As loyal and dumb as a basset hound!

Mike, let me just say, you look dynamite.

Like a Norman Rockwell painting came to life

and won a shopping spree at a hotel lobby clothing store.

Tell me America loves me, you stubborn, fucking asshole!

I'll get the surgery,

but I want my eyes on Mike Pence through the whole thing...

because he's my best friend.

♪ 'Cause we were meant to fly ♪

♪ Things may fall ♪

♪ But we will still be standing tall ♪

And it's a glorious day here in Stone Mountain, Georgia,

where the alt-right, the proud boys,

the Lieutenants Of Christendom,

Soldiers For A Caucasian Future,

and straight-up Nazis alike have gathered to protect their heritage.

I'm being told that Mike Pence will be giving a speech.

There's someone who can deliver my message

without making you squint to see its meaning.

Hold on to your hoods!

President Trump is here to address the crowd!

Wow. These usually peaceful hatemongers are riled up today, folks.

I cannot sit down because a surgeon

just crossed my southern border

to fix a blockage without any anesthesia.

Why would you do that?

Allow me to explain.

This country has always had a blockage, as well.

Beneath our soaring platitude is a whole bunch of ugly stuff

we'd like to pretend isn't there,

but, at any moment, could explode and make a big mess.

I'm assuming they don't make America-sized

storage containers.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was a joke.

That brings me to Mike Pence.

We believe the same things, but unlike him,

I don't hide it with flowery language

and a fuddy-duddy personality.

I wear my colon on my sleeve.

You may not see my face on any flattering

White House portraits, but one day,

you will see it carved into this mountain!

Bravo.

Keep up the great work, racists!

- He's talking about us! - We'll do our best!

- Trump! Trump! - Jeff!

Get your ass over here, or I'll kick your nuts off!

We didn't pass the Fair Elections Act.

It's hard to push through legislation when you're

being photobombed by a 70-foot Robert E. Lee.

That's okay. With my words and your gumption,

we'll pass many other civil-rights-limiting

- freedom acts. - Mike, I'm really sorry

about having Bolton waterboard you.

At least he didn't torture you.

No apologies necessary. I briefly led you astray.

Let's call it even.

Dad, are you racist again?

- It's okay. - I am racist again,

and that's never gonna change.

Rock on, Dad!

- Daddy's back! - Yeah! - That's my dad!

Hey, Pence, this is kind of a special moment.

Would you mind getting the fuck out of here?

Of course. If you need me, I'll be looking the other way.

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!