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1
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,999
Hiya. Yeah, I just ordered a pizza
on your app and I just wanted to
2
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,600
follow up and check you'd received
the correct order.
3
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,919
Well, yeah, I suppose it does defeat
the purpose of the app, but since
4
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,479
I'm here, 7 Belmont Gardens,
how long will it be?
5
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,480
Oh, perfect, I will get my episode
of Jonathan Creek on.
6
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,199
Oh, it's the one where the
dead body climbs the stairs.
7
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,559
No, no, it's not ridiculous,
8
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:37,239
because he floats up when
the basement floods.
9
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,959
Can we just agree to disagree?
10
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,839
Yeah, great, OK,
I will see you then.
11
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,040
All right, bye.
12
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,399
What are you doing here? Whoa,
have I caught you on a date?
13
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,799
No, I'm just having a relaxed night
in with Jonathan Creek.
14
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,239
Oh, so I have caught you on a date.
15
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:01,839
No, I'm just having a night in.
16
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,719
I'm recharging my batteries.
17
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:04,919
Recharging your batteries?
18
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,559
Yeah! Sorry, I forgot you were a
busy working mother!
19
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,159
Do you want me to run you a warm
bath,
20
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,159
so you can lie back and read a Maeve
Binchy?
21
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:12,959
What are you doing here, anyway?
22
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,199
Aren't you doing that medical
trial this weekend?
23
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:19,279
No, I was, but then I charmed the
nurse into slipping me the placebo.
24
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,679
She allowed me to go home early.
25
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:21,999
You can't do that.
26
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,279
Well, YOU can't.
27
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,279
I can, with my stories.
28
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,519
One mention of the time I got stuck
in a Waterstones with John Torode
29
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,519
and she was putty in my hands.
30
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,239
But even if you got given the
placebo,
31
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,959
you need to stay in for observation.
32
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,919
I forgot that you moonlight
as an NHS ombudsman.
33
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,999
No, I'm just saying
it's not ethical.
34
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,839
I tell you what's not ethical, how
much that nurse fancied me.
35
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,039
If she fancied you so much, why
did she send you home?
36
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,639
Because she couldn't cope with
37
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,119
working in such a sexually charged
atmosphere.
38
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,759
Or she was unprofessional, lazy and
39
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,919
couldn't cope with any more of your
anecdotes.
40
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,959
Oh, envy is a sin, Joshua.
41
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,599
Tell you what else is a sin, what
that nurse wanted to do to my...
42
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,200
Yeah, I get it, yeah. Your loss.
43
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,399
Oh, you're not going to believe
the evening I just had.
44
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,039
Can you stop talking over Creek?!
45
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,279
Hang on, I'm just going to get
46
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,479
myself a drink and then I'll tell
you all about it.
47
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,559
But I'm missing the theme tune!
48
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:21,920
MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme
Tune
49
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,079
Kate, is that a jardinera
from La Dolce Vita?
50
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,959
Yes. How do you feel about
giving me one of your slices,
51
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,239
and then to pay you back I will
give you a slice of mine
52
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,599
in approximately four minutes?
53
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,639
I assume you've ordered a
margherita.
54
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,999
Correct. I'm not downgrading
my slice.
55
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,719
You know the exchange rate.
56
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,759
It's two slices of your barren pizza
for one of these.
57
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,240
This is like a shiny.
58
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,599
Well, look who's back already.
59
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,679
Shortest date since my cousin went
for a drink with Samantha Mumba.
60
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,119
Your cousin went for a drink with
Samantha Mumba?! Yeah.
61
00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:59,879
It was absolute disaster as well.
62
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,119
It was just after she split up
with Sisqo.
63
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,639
Now, first question she asks him,
God knows why,
64
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,759
is, "What's your favourite kind of
crisp?"
65
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,359
He's nervous, obviously -
it's Mumba, after all.
66
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,799
He meant to say Discos but
it came out like Sisqo.
67
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,119
She's livid, she leaves before her
Guinness had settled.
68
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,679
Less believable every time you say
it.
69
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,439
Yeah, well, the nurse liked it.
70
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,079
Anyway, it's five past eight and
you're at home eating a take away,
71
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,399
so the date must have gone well.
72
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,519
Ah, yeah, so... We didn't
really click,
73
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,879
so I decided to be cruel to be kind
and binned off the date after the
74
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,559
starters, waited for him to leave,
and got myself a takeaway.
75
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,159
So did you cancel the mains?
76
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,559
What? Well, you said you ended it
after the starters,
77
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,759
surely by then you'd already
ordered the mains.
78
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,639
No, it's just I said, "Let's just
order starters," to test the water,
79
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,479
as I had a funny feeling when he
arrived, in my waters.
80
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:53,199
And then once you dismissed him you
decided to stay and get a takeaway?
81
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,879
Yes, that is exactly what happened.
82
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,999
It seems like a very unlikely
sequence of events.
83
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,439
All right, Jonathan Creek.
84
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,559
How's your food getting along?
Delivery accepted.
85
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,399
No, it isn't. They've delivered my
pizza to the wrong address.
86
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,719
Oh, gutted!
87
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,959
Someone has taken my pizza.
88
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,279
Two words, broken Britain.
89
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,159
I don't think the police are going
to be interested in this one, Josh.
90
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,200
Hello, yeah, it's the app guy again.
91
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,680
Yes, the one watching Jonathan
Creek.
92
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,719
Well, I don't care what you've
discussed, it makes perfect sense.
93
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,599
Actually, that is
not why I'm calling.
94
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,240
The reason I'm calling is my
pizza has gone missing.
95
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,559
No, that would not make a good
mystery for Jonathan Creek.
96
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,879
This is not good enough.
97
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,000
You're going to have
to send me a new order.
98
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:39,720
HOW long?
99
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,359
Well, I'll tell you what you can do
with your free mozzarella
100
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,399
sticks, you can stick them... in the
bag, actually, that sounds great.
101
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,199
Really good. Cheers.
102
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,760
I think you really told
them there, Josh. Mmm.
103
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,079
Mmm.
104
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,959
So are you still going to get a full
payment,
105
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,519
even though you left the trial
early?
106
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,079
Oh, yeah, I made sure of that.
107
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,399
I just don't understand why you did
it. You've got a job.
108
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,039
I can't just make baguettes for the
rest of my life, can I, Josh?
109
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,839
You've got no idea how
unstimulating it is.
110
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,399
Every day is always the same.
111
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,159
Ham and mayo, cheese and coleslaw,
salmon and beef.
112
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,399
Sorry? Oh, yeah, Geoff comes in
occasionally, orders that.
113
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,679
Claims it's surf and
turf. It's not.
114
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,399
The point I'm trying to make is the
job is very boring.
115
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,839
Yeah, Owen, it's a job. That's what
happens.
116
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,919
Yeah, but I'd mastered in the first
week.
117
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,119
I can make a cheese
baguette in my sleep.
118
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,959
In fact, I did it once. During
a particularly bad nightmare,
119
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,839
I actually got up, made a baguette,
and actually ate it.
120
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,479
The problem was the cheese
made my nightmare worse.
121
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,159
It was a vicious circle.
122
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,760
So now you're selling your body to
science?
123
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,519
Yes, but that is simply
to raise funds
124
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,679
for a once-in-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity.
125
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,599
Isn't that you what said when you
invested in that toaster designed by
126
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,759
Jon Tickle?
127
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,400
That was a mistake. But this, this
is a dead cert.
128
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,719
Look who's floating.
129
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,439
Sorry, this is your new career plan?
130
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,239
It's one of them. It's important to
diversify in the modern world, Kate.
131
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:25,799
I'm a bit like Kanye West -
132
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,359
he's a rapper, fashion designer,
entrepreneur.
133
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,519
I'm a baguette maker, medical
trialee, floating grim reaper.
134
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,039
Uncanny. Well, unKanye.
135
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,919
Kind of works.
It's money for nothing.
136
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,399
I've seen it each morning.
137
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,439
On my way to work, I
walk past this guy.
138
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,239
He's a human statue
dressed in a gold suit.
139
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,999
People are throwing money at him.
140
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,319
He's coining it in.
141
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,679
He can't be.
142
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,679
Er, have YOU got a
suit made of gold?
143
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:48,839
He's a great guy, actually.
144
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,159
We got chatting, and he gave me
the contact for the person
145
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,199
that makes these things. 150 quid
later, I'm on the gravy train.
146
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,559
Have you got a licence?
147
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,079
A licence to print money.
148
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,600
It's so easy. Look.
149
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,719
This is the start of an exciting new
chapter for me, guys,
150
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,199
cos we're all in the gutter,
151
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,359
but some of us are floating slightly
152
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,759
above the gutter, coining it in.
153
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,959
I'm delighted for you, mate,
but if you don't mind,
154
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,439
I'm going to watch Jonathan Creek.
155
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,119
You don't need Jonathan Creek, mate.
156
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,480
You've got a real mystery,
live in your lounge.
157
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,999
PHONE RINGS
158
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,479
Oh, um... you're getting a
call from sexy nurse.
159
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,799
Today just keeps getting better and
better. I knew she fancied me.
160
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,120
But don't answer it. I'm going to
play it cool.
161
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,279
Bloody hell, if she fancied
me on terra firma,
162
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,959
imagine how she'll react when she
sees me floating in mid-air.
163
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,039
I wonder if you can have sex
on one of these things.
164
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,199
Time to join the
five-foot-high club.
165
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,639
Oh, Josh is already a member.
166
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,479
I'm five-foot-six-and-a-half,
actually.
167
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,639
DOORBELL RINGS
168
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,960
Ooh, that was quick!
169
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,919
Do you want me to tell you how it
works?
170
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,399
I don't want you to get kicked out
of the Magic Circle,
171
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,919
but I'm guessing you're sat on some
sort of wooden seat.
172
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,759
No.
173
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,200
The seat's actually metal.
174
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,399
Oh, Jeff. Evening, Josh.
175
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,719
Everything all right? I thought you
were going to be my pizza.
176
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,879
Oh, no, I'm not.
177
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,680
Hope you won't be
topping yourself.
178
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,039
Not too cheesed off. Oh...
179
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,919
Is there a pun on crusts?
180
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,959
Might have to get
back to you on that.
181
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,079
Holy Mary, Mother of God!
182
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,440
You all right, Jeff?
183
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,199
Can everyone see that?
184
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,679
You see? I told you guys
I was on to a winner.
185
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,999
Feel free to chuck me a fiver.
186
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,159
How are you doing that?
187
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,599
Is it a Welsh thing?
188
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,000
He's on a seat. Oh!
189
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,639
No, I still don't understand.
190
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,359
Jeff, why are you here?
191
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,320
No reason. Just checking in.
192
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,279
Do you need this?
193
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,479
What? Well, how much use do
you get out of it?
194
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,599
You've got four chairs. There's only
three of you. Can I have it?
195
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,559
No! What if we have a guest?
196
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,879
Well, I'll stand. It's not
happening.
197
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,239
I'll replace it with something.
198
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,919
I've got a bean bag
at home I can bring.
199
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,559
This is our flat, not Google HQ.
200
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,279
Look, I'll level with you.
I'm in a pickle.
201
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,799
I've signed some new tenants to one
of my flats,
202
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,399
but I made a schoolboy error.
203
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,359
I listed it as furnished and
it isn't.
204
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,639
What can I say? It
was a Saturday night,
205
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,320
I cracked open a box of
chocolate liqueurs, and phwoar!
206
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,199
Never mix alcohol and Zoopla.
207
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,959
So, you're going to give them our
furniture?
208
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,999
Not just yours. If I can get a piece
from each of my flats, I'll soon
209
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:49,119
have theirs furnished. So, what
about the coffee table?
210
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,559
No. No. Give them your coffee table.
211
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:54,279
Well, I can't do that. I need my
coffee table.
212
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:55,599
I've got that Banksy book.
213
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:56,959
Where else am I going to put it?
214
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,959
On the floor? That would be an
insult.
215
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,439
He's a thought-provoking artist.
216
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,359
You are not having our coffee table.
217
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,239
You're not getting anything else.
218
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,079
Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to
have a relaxed night in.
219
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,280
Sounds perfect.
220
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,920
THEY SIGH
221
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,719
Right, if you're staying, you're not
talking during Jonathan Creek.
222
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:19,960
Absolutely.
223
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,199
Just say it! Well, she's
already had one dinner.
224
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,799
I saw you in La Dolce Vita
earlier, didn't I?
225
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,359
Um, yes, maybe.
226
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,679
Yeah, I definitely saw you.
227
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,639
You were in there on your own with
two starters.
228
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,559
Oh, I was on a date. You probably
just walked past when my date was in
229
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:59,119
the toilet. Well, then he must have
ordered the spicy prawns, because I
230
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,679
saw exactly the same scene 15
231
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,759
minutes later when I walked back
past.
232
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,039
Oh, my God.
233
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,519
That's not true. Kate, you don't
234
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,319
need to lie. We've all been stood
up.
235
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,240
I'm not lying. He did turn up.
236
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,240
He just then left again
ten minutes later.
237
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,680
Is it speed dating?
238
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:19,200
It was awful.
239
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,719
We sat down and ordered and then,
before the starters came, he said he
240
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,359
needed to head off
because it wasn't working.
241
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,159
I'm really sorry, Kate.
242
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,959
Modern dating is brutal.
243
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,639
Ten minutes to prove yourself.
244
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:32,959
I mean, I'm a grower.
245
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,199
It takes people a
while to get into me.
246
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,799
You've got to watch the
film, not the trailer.
247
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:42,119
You are the complex, lilting,
five-day game of Test cricket rather
248
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,400
than the disposable cut
and thrust of Twenty20.
249
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,119
Is that a compliment?
250
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,959
Yeah. Well, then,
yes, I am. Thank you.
251
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:55,239
Kate, a lot of people panic about
being alone at your age.
252
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,119
You may be surprised to learn that I
253
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,799
experienced exactly the same
worries.
254
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,559
But you're still alone.
255
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:06,279
Yes. But I can tell you that, in
time, bit by bit, you get more
256
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,759
comfortable with it.
Your priorities change.
257
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,319
For instance, I focused on my
career.
258
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,559
Now, Kate, you don't have a career,
259
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,720
but what do you think you could
focus on?
260
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,000
You going to put Creek back on then?
261
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,720
Oh, God!
262
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,800
KNOCK AT DOOR
263
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,440
Hey, mate.
264
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,599
Look, I'm really sorry
about how tonight went.
265
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,919
Don't listen to Jeff.
It's just one bad date.
266
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,359
It's not, though, is it?
267
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,840
It's year after year of them.
268
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,119
I've seen more awkward dates than
the Isle of Fernandos.
269
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,839
I came up with that on the way home.
270
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,279
It's the only good thing to come out
of the evening.
271
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,840
SHE SIGHS
272
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,559
Can I have a go?
273
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,759
Absolutely not.
It's for performers only.
274
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,600
I completely understand.
275
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,679
How much did this cost?
276
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,199
Was it 50 grand?
277
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,039
I'm being silly.
278
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,240
100 grand?
279
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,799
Yeah, that's it.
280
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,279
I should really have bought a house,
281
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,719
but I thought this was a more secure
investment.
282
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,799
I actually paid for it
by doing a medical trial.
283
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,199
Oh, is this one of the side-effects?
284
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,599
What?
285
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,920
I keep forgetting there's a seat
under there.
286
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,279
I actually took part in
some medical trials.
287
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,999
I was involved in testing the very
first Lockets. Oh, yeah?
288
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,319
Honey and lemon flavoured.
289
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,719
Of course, back then blackcurrant
was just a pipe dream.
290
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,039
Or wind pipe dream, if you will.
291
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,199
HE LAUGHS
292
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,959
Yeah, I was called back in the same
year to test some Tunes.
293
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,640
Oh. I said, "Bohemian
Rhapsody'll never sell."
294
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,439
If I could use this
scythe, I would, Jeff.
295
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,199
Anyway, I was only paid five grand
for the Lockets trials,
296
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,479
which is nowhere near enough.
297
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,960
Are you kidding? Five grand, what,
just for sucking some sweets?
298
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,560
That's not the only way they were
administered back then.
299
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,519
Oh, right. Bit of trivia for you -
300
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,720
for the next four months, every time
I passed wind my sinuses cleared.
301
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,440
I suppose that's why they have
trials.
302
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,759
Yeah.
303
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,639
This is so depressing.
304
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,480
I was in this room a couple of hours
ago getting ready for a date.
305
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,040
Yeah, I thought it was tidy.
306
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,279
Be honest with me. Am I going to
turn into Jeff?
307
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,519
No, of course not.
308
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,199
How do you know? Well, because
you've got social skills.
309
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,480
And you can't afford to get on the
property ladder.
310
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,639
Well, if I do start turning it to
him, you'll tell me, won't you?
311
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,599
The moment you start referring to
beef and salmon sandwiches as surf
312
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,240
and turf, I'll stage an
intervention. Thanks. Means a lot.
313
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,359
DOORBELL RINGS
314
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,239
This was such a shitty day.
315
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,119
Yeah, I hope you don't mind, I'm
just...
316
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,239
This is not how I imagined my
evening going.
317
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,119
This isn't how I imagined my life
going.
318
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,279
It's just a blip, but...
319
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,639
Am I difficult to be around?
320
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,399
No! Am I too desperate?
321
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,759
Do I scare people off?
322
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,879
No, I promise, you do not scare
people off.
323
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:37,999
DOORBELL RINGS
324
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,280
I'll be back in a sec.
325
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,199
Ah, sorry about the mix-up, mate.
I went to the wrong number seven.
326
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,439
It's fine. You're here now.
327
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,959
Here you go. Great.
328
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,240
Thank you.
329
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,159
Where's my pizza?
330
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,599
That's all they gave me. This is
just mozzarella sticks.
331
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,799
Yeah, I did think it was quite a
small meal, but I didn't want to say
332
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,839
anything cos the customer's
always right.
333
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,880
Unbelievable. Oh, actually...
334
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,600
..there is this as well.
335
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,119
There. What's that? It's
an apology tiramisu.
336
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,799
A what? To say sorry for
messing up the last delivery.
337
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,559
You messed up this delivery.
338
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,119
Right.
339
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,759
Yeah. Tell you what I'll do.
340
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,879
Why don't I add this pizza to your
next order, free of charge?
341
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,920
I've already paid for it.
342
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,200
Right.
343
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,799
I'll ring the boss and tell him to
put another one in the oven.
344
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,000
Yeah, if you could.
345
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:41,839
Answer the phone, you...
346
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,639
Hello?
347
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,560
Yeah, it's me. We messed
up his order again.
348
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,679
Yeah.
349
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:50,720
No worries.
350
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,119
He wants to know if you've seen the
351
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,879
episode with the silverback in the
mansion house. Unbelievable.
352
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,599
Yeah, I enjoyed the episode, but I
thought the payoff didn't work.
353
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,039
Look, can you go and get my pizza?
354
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,920
Yeah, sure. Er, he enjoyed the
episode but the payoff didn't...
355
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,599
I'll tell you this,
356
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,479
I think mozzarella sticks could
really catch on.
357
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,119
Certainly wouldn't want to have
shares in bruschetta right now.
358
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,319
I wouldn't want to have shares
in traditional forms of
359
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:25,120
entertainment at this moment. Look
how good I'm getting at this.
360
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,519
Oh, stop it! Pathetic.
361
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,079
Yeah, but that's not fair, is it?!
362
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,479
Well, it is fair, cos the public's
363
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,999
going to interfere with you, aren't
they? Fingers crossed.
364
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,519
All right, I bet you one mozzarella
365
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,319
stick you can't stay still for a
minute.
366
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,920
You reckon? Watch this.
367
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,280
PHONE CHIMES
368
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,480
You got a text.
369
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,520
Don't you want to read it?
370
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,680
Would you like me to read it?
371
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,639
Ooh, it's from sexy nurse.
372
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,639
Oh, give me that. Rubbish.
373
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,799
Oh, she's coming over.
374
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,639
Oh, that feels good.
375
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,440
Tell you what else feels good.
376
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:26,239
What? Um, oh, I don't know. I
hadn't thought that far ahead.
377
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,879
Well, usually you stop me
mid-innuendo.
378
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,480
Um...
379
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,159
..sex?
380
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,119
Worth the wait.
381
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,919
I mean, this is not what
Kate needs, though.
382
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,479
First she's dumped mid-date, now
she's going to have to listen
383
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,439
to you trying to seduce a nurse
through the wall.
384
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:42,879
Mmm, good point.
385
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,239
I'll just stick some music on.
Classic uni move.
386
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,879
Do you think she's going to be OK?
387
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,479
She might be quite tired after her
388
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,079
shift but seeing me should cheer
her up. No, Kate.
389
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,759
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll be
fine, cos Jeff's gone in to see her.
390
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,240
Oh, God! I'm...
391
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,999
..really sorry I upset you earlier.
392
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,159
What gave it away? When I ran out of
the living room close to tears?
393
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,880
No, Owen told me I had.
394
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:11,279
Anyway, sincere apologies for my
insensitivity.
395
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,240
OK, whatever, apology accepted.
396
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,200
Good.
397
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,120
Do you need that bedside table?
398
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,999
Sorry? Well, in your current
situation...
399
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,719
you don't really need two bedside
tables.
400
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,239
Are you joking? Mmm, no, you aren't
401
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,999
really in need of table space for
a...
402
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,439
gentleman friend. It's wasted real
estate, nature's greatest crime.
403
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:43,719
OK, thanks, you can leave now.
404
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,039
Of course. No, you're not taking
that!
405
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,360
Fair enough.
406
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,759
So?
407
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,319
Well, that went terribly.
408
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,319
What did you do? I tried to help
but it didn't work.
409
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,879
Well, did you apologise?
410
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,759
Yes, but she's in a funny mood.
411
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,599
She got upset when I tried to take
her bedside table away.
412
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,319
Oh! She's single.
She doesn't need both.
413
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,559
I stand by that.
414
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:07,839
God, I can't believe...
415
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,479
Right, I'm off for a shower
before sexy nurse arrives.
416
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,559
I prefer it when you're hovering.
417
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,119
Yeah, well, I don't know what is
wrong with this cloak, but I've
418
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,119
somehow been sweating and shivering
for the last ten minutes.
419
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,479
No wonder the Grim Reaper's always
in such a bad mood.
420
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,079
Owen, Kate is not a good way.
421
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,199
Oh, she'll be all right.
422
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,399
She's been dumped before.
423
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,640
She gets over it. Then she'll
just get dumped again.
424
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,479
Fine, well, I suppose as I'm the
only one who puts her feelings
425
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,679
first, I'M going to have
to go and talk to her.
426
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,719
DOORBELL RINGS
427
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,360
However, I will just get that.
428
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,000
Put the lamp down!
429
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,959
At last! One extra-large
meat feast pizza.
430
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,319
That's not what I ordered.
431
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,599
Fantastic!
432
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,159
That was so quick.
You guys are great.
433
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,599
Just checking, you did replace
the chicken with beef? Yeah.
434
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,559
And you replaced the ham with
the salmon? Yeah.
435
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,959
Good old surf and turf.
436
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,519
Sorry, what is going on?
437
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,319
Well, all that talk about pizza
438
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,039
started my stomach rumbling, so I
ordered one.
439
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,999
Where's my pizza?
I ordered it first.
440
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,199
It should be ready first.
441
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,039
Oh, don't worry, your pizza was
almost ready when I left with his.
442
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,279
So why didn't you wait? Because his
would get cold.
443
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,879
He's a customer, too.
Well, when you come back,
444
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,999
you could at least bring some
mozzarella sticks.
445
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,319
I'm afraid we're all out, mate.
446
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,759
They've been incredibly popular.
447
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,559
Well, that does not surprise me.
448
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,759
Mmm, yeah, do you know what? I
449
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,159
genuinely think they could spell the
end for bruschetta.
450
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,200
That's what I said! Mmm.
451
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,600
Yeah.
452
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:28,919
Sorry, can you go and get my pizza?
453
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,080
Yeah, sorry.
454
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:34,239
KNOCK AT DOOR
455
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,440
Go away!
456
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,800
Hey, mate.
457
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,199
I just wanted to say...
458
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,119
You're not going to
end up on your own.
459
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,159
Yes, I am. No, you're not.
It's just a run of bad luck.
460
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,799
Yeah, for ten years.
461
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,279
No-one has ever had a run
of bad luck that long.
462
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,839
Of course they have!
463
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,719
Who? The Boston Red Sox.
464
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,399
What? The Curse of Bambino.
465
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,759
When the Boston Red Sox traded
Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees,
466
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,559
they suffered 86 years bad luck.
467
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,119
What are you talking about?
468
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,079
What I'm saying is you've got
nothing to worry about.
469
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,280
Kate, you're one of the
most amazing people I know.
470
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,720
Well, knocking on the door of the
top ten.
471
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,919
Is your pizza still not here?
472
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,480
No, they delivered Jeff's
surf and turf.
473
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,239
Do you want a slice of mine?
474
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,359
Are you sure? Yeah, course.
475
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,360
Oh, cheers, mate.
476
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,360
I haven't had a proper
relationship in years.
477
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:46,640
That doesn't mean anything.
478
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:51,199
Alan Shearer went 12 games
without a goal before Euro 96,
479
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,319
then he was the top scorer
at the tournament.
480
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,759
I feel like these analogies would
481
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,079
work better if you were trying to
console Gabby Logan.
482
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,839
You're better than Gabby Logan!
483
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,319
No, I'm not. No, you are.
484
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:02,839
Kate, you're great.
485
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,679
You're funny and you're clever and
you're beautiful, and I can't
486
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,240
understand what that idiot was
thinking tonight.
487
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,119
Can I just check something?
488
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,279
Yeah. Are you...
489
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,919
coming on to me? What?
490
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,519
With all these compliments, and
491
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,359
saying how I'm about to meet
someone?
492
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,599
No, Kate, I'm just consoling
you as a friend.
493
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,159
I'm being nice. Oh,
you're being nice!
494
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,679
Yeah. That's why it feels weird.
495
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,320
Yeah, that'll be it. Yeah.
496
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,160
DOORBELL RINGS
497
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,359
That'll be your pizza.
498
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,600
Someone else'll get it.
499
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,600
One second. I just need to get this.
500
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,799
Hiya. Oh, after all that, I thought
you weren't going to answer.
501
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,719
Oh, don't worry, mate.
I couldn't care less.
502
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,519
Fair enough. See you. Thank you very
much.
503
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,599
Oh, you're giving me
a slice, remember? Yes.
504
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,919
Sexy nurse.
505
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,479
So, what time you coming over?
506
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,040
Couldn't wait until
then to see me, eh?
507
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,920
What kind of mix-up? Yeah,
but I had the placebo.
508
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,160
Yeah, I've been a little bit sweaty.
509
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,279
Oh, OK.
510
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,480
But... but I thought you were coming
round to...
511
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,759
Oh, to monitor my symptoms.
512
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,120
Um, so what exactly is going to
happen to me?
513
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:30,320
Both ends?
514
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,279
Right, OK, thank you.
515
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:34,759
Um, yeah, I'll see you later.
516
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,320
Bye.
517
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:39,720
Any news?
518
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,799
So it looks like you were right.
519
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,519
I think I might have slightly
520
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,079
overestimated my sexual
attractiveness,
521
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:51,240
and slightly underestimated her lack
of professionalism and laziness.
522
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,000
Yeah, it's started.
523
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,239
Oh, well, Jonathan Creek?
524
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,800
Yes, please.
525
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,959
If Owen doesn't pull through, do you
526
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,719
think you're going to want this
seat?
527
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,799
Only, I know the perfect
place for it.
528
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,200
MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme
Tune
65684
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