Original subtitles

Hiya. Yeah, I just ordered a pizza on your app and I just wanted to

follow up and check you'd received the correct order.

Well, yeah, I suppose it does defeat the purpose of the app, but since

I'm here, 7 Belmont Gardens, how long will it be?

Oh, perfect, I will get my episode of Jonathan Creek on.

Oh, it's the one where the dead body climbs the stairs.

No, no, it's not ridiculous,

because he floats up when the basement floods.

Can we just agree to disagree?

Yeah, great, OK, I will see you then.

All right, bye.

What are you doing here? Whoa, have I caught you on a date?

No, I'm just having a relaxed night in with Jonathan Creek.

Oh, so I have caught you on a date.

No, I'm just having a night in.

I'm recharging my batteries.

Recharging your batteries?

Yeah! Sorry, I forgot you were a busy working mother!

Do you want me to run you a warm bath,

so you can lie back and read a Maeve Binchy?

What are you doing here, anyway?

Aren't you doing that medical trial this weekend?

No, I was, but then I charmed the nurse into slipping me the placebo.

She allowed me to go home early.

You can't do that.

Well, YOU can't.

I can, with my stories.

One mention of the time I got stuck in a Waterstones with John Torode

and she was putty in my hands.

But even if you got given the placebo,

you need to stay in for observation.

I forgot that you moonlight as an NHS ombudsman.

No, I'm just saying it's not ethical.

I tell you what's not ethical, how much that nurse fancied me.

If she fancied you so much, why did she send you home?

Because she couldn't cope with

working in such a sexually charged atmosphere.

Or she was unprofessional, lazy and

couldn't cope with any more of your anecdotes.

Oh, envy is a sin, Joshua.

Tell you what else is a sin, what that nurse wanted to do to my...

Yeah, I get it, yeah. Your loss.

Oh, you're not going to believe the evening I just had.

Can you stop talking over Creek?!

Hang on, I'm just going to get

myself a drink and then I'll tell you all about it.

But I'm missing the theme tune!

MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme Tune

Kate, is that a jardinera from La Dolce Vita?

Yes. How do you feel about giving me one of your slices,

and then to pay you back I will give you a slice of mine

in approximately four minutes?

I assume you've ordered a margherita.

Correct. I'm not downgrading my slice.

You know the exchange rate.

It's two slices of your barren pizza for one of these.

This is like a shiny.

Well, look who's back already.

Shortest date since my cousin went for a drink with Samantha Mumba.

Your cousin went for a drink with Samantha Mumba?! Yeah.

It was absolute disaster as well.

It was just after she split up with Sisqo.

Now, first question she asks him, God knows why,

is, "What's your favourite kind of crisp?"

He's nervous, obviously - it's Mumba, after all.

He meant to say Discos but it came out like Sisqo.

She's livid, she leaves before her Guinness had settled.

Less believable every time you say it.

Yeah, well, the nurse liked it.

Anyway, it's five past eight and you're at home eating a take away,

so the date must have gone well.

Ah, yeah, so... We didn't really click,

so I decided to be cruel to be kind and binned off the date after the

starters, waited for him to leave, and got myself a takeaway.

So did you cancel the mains?

What? Well, you said you ended it after the starters,

surely by then you'd already ordered the mains.

No, it's just I said, "Let's just order starters," to test the water,

as I had a funny feeling when he arrived, in my waters.

And then once you dismissed him you decided to stay and get a takeaway?

Yes, that is exactly what happened.

It seems like a very unlikely sequence of events.

All right, Jonathan Creek.

How's your food getting along? Delivery accepted.

No, it isn't. They've delivered my pizza to the wrong address.

Oh, gutted!

Someone has taken my pizza.

Two words, broken Britain.

I don't think the police are going to be interested in this one, Josh.

Hello, yeah, it's the app guy again.

Yes, the one watching Jonathan Creek.

Well, I don't care what you've discussed, it makes perfect sense.

Actually, that is not why I'm calling.

The reason I'm calling is my pizza has gone missing.

No, that would not make a good mystery for Jonathan Creek.

This is not good enough.

You're going to have to send me a new order.

HOW long?

Well, I'll tell you what you can do with your free mozzarella

sticks, you can stick them... in the bag, actually, that sounds great.

Really good. Cheers.

I think you really told them there, Josh. Mmm.

Mmm.

So are you still going to get a full payment,

even though you left the trial early?

Oh, yeah, I made sure of that.

I just don't understand why you did it. You've got a job.

I can't just make baguettes for the rest of my life, can I, Josh?

You've got no idea how unstimulating it is.

Every day is always the same.

Ham and mayo, cheese and coleslaw, salmon and beef.

Sorry? Oh, yeah, Geoff comes in occasionally, orders that.

Claims it's surf and turf. It's not.

The point I'm trying to make is the job is very boring.

Yeah, Owen, it's a job. That's what happens.

Yeah, but I'd mastered in the first week.

I can make a cheese baguette in my sleep.

In fact, I did it once. During a particularly bad nightmare,

I actually got up, made a baguette, and actually ate it.

The problem was the cheese made my nightmare worse.

It was a vicious circle.

So now you're selling your body to science?

Yes, but that is simply to raise funds

for a once-in-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity.

Isn't that you what said when you invested in that toaster designed by

Jon Tickle?

That was a mistake. But this, this is a dead cert.

Look who's floating.

Sorry, this is your new career plan?

It's one of them. It's important to diversify in the modern world, Kate.

I'm a bit like Kanye West -

he's a rapper, fashion designer, entrepreneur.

I'm a baguette maker, medical trialee, floating grim reaper.

Uncanny. Well, unKanye.

Kind of works. It's money for nothing.

I've seen it each morning.

On my way to work, I walk past this guy.

He's a human statue dressed in a gold suit.

People are throwing money at him.

He's coining it in.

He can't be.

Er, have YOU got a suit made of gold?

He's a great guy, actually.

We got chatting, and he gave me the contact for the person

that makes these things. 150 quid later, I'm on the gravy train.

Have you got a licence?

A licence to print money.

It's so easy. Look.

This is the start of an exciting new chapter for me, guys,

cos we're all in the gutter,

but some of us are floating slightly

above the gutter, coining it in.

I'm delighted for you, mate, but if you don't mind,

I'm going to watch Jonathan Creek.

You don't need Jonathan Creek, mate.

You've got a real mystery, live in your lounge.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, um... you're getting a call from sexy nurse.

Today just keeps getting better and better. I knew she fancied me.

But don't answer it. I'm going to play it cool.

Bloody hell, if she fancied me on terra firma,

imagine how she'll react when she sees me floating in mid-air.

I wonder if you can have sex on one of these things.

Time to join the five-foot-high club.

Oh, Josh is already a member.

I'm five-foot-six-and-a-half, actually.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh, that was quick!

Do you want me to tell you how it works?

I don't want you to get kicked out of the Magic Circle,

but I'm guessing you're sat on some sort of wooden seat.

No.

The seat's actually metal.

Oh, Jeff. Evening, Josh.

Everything all right? I thought you were going to be my pizza.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Hope you won't be topping yourself.

Not too cheesed off. Oh...

Is there a pun on crusts?

Might have to get back to you on that.

Holy Mary, Mother of God!

You all right, Jeff?

Can everyone see that?

You see? I told you guys I was on to a winner.

Feel free to chuck me a fiver.

How are you doing that?

Is it a Welsh thing?

He's on a seat. Oh!

No, I still don't understand.

Jeff, why are you here?

No reason. Just checking in.

Do you need this?

What? Well, how much use do you get out of it?

You've got four chairs. There's only three of you. Can I have it?

No! What if we have a guest?

Well, I'll stand. It's not happening.

I'll replace it with something.

I've got a bean bag at home I can bring.

This is our flat, not Google HQ.

Look, I'll level with you. I'm in a pickle.

I've signed some new tenants to one of my flats,

but I made a schoolboy error.

I listed it as furnished and it isn't.

What can I say? It was a Saturday night,

I cracked open a box of chocolate liqueurs, and phwoar!

Never mix alcohol and Zoopla.

So, you're going to give them our furniture?

Not just yours. If I can get a piece from each of my flats, I'll soon

have theirs furnished. So, what about the coffee table?

No. No. Give them your coffee table.

Well, I can't do that. I need my coffee table.

I've got that Banksy book.

Where else am I going to put it?

On the floor? That would be an insult.

He's a thought-provoking artist.

You are not having our coffee table.

You're not getting anything else.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to have a relaxed night in.

Sounds perfect.

THEY SIGH

Right, if you're staying, you're not talking during Jonathan Creek.

Absolutely.

Just say it! Well, she's already had one dinner.

I saw you in La Dolce Vita earlier, didn't I?

Um, yes, maybe.

Yeah, I definitely saw you.

You were in there on your own with two starters.

Oh, I was on a date. You probably just walked past when my date was in

the toilet. Well, then he must have ordered the spicy prawns, because I

saw exactly the same scene 15

minutes later when I walked back past.

Oh, my God.

That's not true. Kate, you don't

need to lie. We've all been stood up.

I'm not lying. He did turn up.

He just then left again ten minutes later.

Is it speed dating?

It was awful.

We sat down and ordered and then, before the starters came, he said he

needed to head off because it wasn't working.

I'm really sorry, Kate.

Modern dating is brutal.

Ten minutes to prove yourself.

I mean, I'm a grower.

It takes people a while to get into me.

You've got to watch the film, not the trailer.

You are the complex, lilting, five-day game of Test cricket rather

than the disposable cut and thrust of Twenty20.

Is that a compliment?

Yeah. Well, then, yes, I am. Thank you.

Kate, a lot of people panic about being alone at your age.

You may be surprised to learn that I

experienced exactly the same worries.

But you're still alone.

Yes. But I can tell you that, in time, bit by bit, you get more

comfortable with it. Your priorities change.

For instance, I focused on my career.

Now, Kate, you don't have a career,

but what do you think you could focus on?

You going to put Creek back on then?

Oh, God!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, mate.

Look, I'm really sorry about how tonight went.

Don't listen to Jeff. It's just one bad date.

It's not, though, is it?

It's year after year of them.

I've seen more awkward dates than the Isle of Fernandos.

I came up with that on the way home.

It's the only good thing to come out of the evening.

SHE SIGHS

Can I have a go?

Absolutely not. It's for performers only.

I completely understand.

How much did this cost?

Was it 50 grand?

I'm being silly.

100 grand?

Yeah, that's it.

I should really have bought a house,

but I thought this was a more secure investment.

I actually paid for it by doing a medical trial.

Oh, is this one of the side-effects?

What?

I keep forgetting there's a seat under there.

I actually took part in some medical trials.

I was involved in testing the very first Lockets. Oh, yeah?

Honey and lemon flavoured.

Of course, back then blackcurrant was just a pipe dream.

Or wind pipe dream, if you will.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, I was called back in the same year to test some Tunes.

Oh. I said, "Bohemian Rhapsody'll never sell."

If I could use this scythe, I would, Jeff.

Anyway, I was only paid five grand for the Lockets trials,

which is nowhere near enough.

Are you kidding? Five grand, what, just for sucking some sweets?

That's not the only way they were administered back then.

Oh, right. Bit of trivia for you -

for the next four months, every time I passed wind my sinuses cleared.

I suppose that's why they have trials.

Yeah.

This is so depressing.

I was in this room a couple of hours ago getting ready for a date.

Yeah, I thought it was tidy.

Be honest with me. Am I going to turn into Jeff?

No, of course not.

How do you know? Well, because you've got social skills.

And you can't afford to get on the property ladder.

Well, if I do start turning it to him, you'll tell me, won't you?

The moment you start referring to beef and salmon sandwiches as surf

and turf, I'll stage an intervention. Thanks. Means a lot.

DOORBELL RINGS

This was such a shitty day.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind, I'm just...

This is not how I imagined my evening going.

This isn't how I imagined my life going.

It's just a blip, but...

Am I difficult to be around?

No! Am I too desperate?

Do I scare people off?

No, I promise, you do not scare people off.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll be back in a sec.

Ah, sorry about the mix-up, mate. I went to the wrong number seven.

It's fine. You're here now.

Here you go. Great.

Thank you.

Where's my pizza?

That's all they gave me. This is just mozzarella sticks.

Yeah, I did think it was quite a small meal, but I didn't want to say

anything cos the customer's always right.

Unbelievable. Oh, actually...

..there is this as well.

There. What's that? It's an apology tiramisu.

A what? To say sorry for messing up the last delivery.

You messed up this delivery.

Right.

Yeah. Tell you what I'll do.

Why don't I add this pizza to your next order, free of charge?

I've already paid for it.

Right.

I'll ring the boss and tell him to put another one in the oven.

Yeah, if you could.

Answer the phone, you...

Hello?

Yeah, it's me. We messed up his order again.

Yeah.

No worries.

He wants to know if you've seen the

episode with the silverback in the mansion house. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I enjoyed the episode, but I thought the payoff didn't work.

Look, can you go and get my pizza?

Yeah, sure. Er, he enjoyed the episode but the payoff didn't...

I'll tell you this,

I think mozzarella sticks could really catch on.

Certainly wouldn't want to have shares in bruschetta right now.

I wouldn't want to have shares in traditional forms of

entertainment at this moment. Look how good I'm getting at this.

Oh, stop it! Pathetic.

Yeah, but that's not fair, is it?!

Well, it is fair, cos the public's

going to interfere with you, aren't they? Fingers crossed.

All right, I bet you one mozzarella

stick you can't stay still for a minute.

You reckon? Watch this.

PHONE CHIMES

You got a text.

Don't you want to read it?

Would you like me to read it?

Ooh, it's from sexy nurse.

Oh, give me that. Rubbish.

Oh, she's coming over.

Oh, that feels good.

Tell you what else feels good.

What? Um, oh, I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead.

Well, usually you stop me mid-innuendo.

Um...

..sex?

Worth the wait.

I mean, this is not what Kate needs, though.

First she's dumped mid-date, now she's going to have to listen

to you trying to seduce a nurse through the wall.

Mmm, good point.

I'll just stick some music on. Classic uni move.

Do you think she's going to be OK?

She might be quite tired after her

shift but seeing me should cheer her up. No, Kate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll be fine, cos Jeff's gone in to see her.

Oh, God! I'm...

..really sorry I upset you earlier.

What gave it away? When I ran out of the living room close to tears?

No, Owen told me I had.

Anyway, sincere apologies for my insensitivity.

OK, whatever, apology accepted.

Good.

Do you need that bedside table?

Sorry? Well, in your current situation...

you don't really need two bedside tables.

Are you joking? Mmm, no, you aren't

really in need of table space for a...

gentleman friend. It's wasted real estate, nature's greatest crime.

OK, thanks, you can leave now.

Of course. No, you're not taking that!

Fair enough.

So?

Well, that went terribly.

What did you do? I tried to help but it didn't work.

Well, did you apologise?

Yes, but she's in a funny mood.

She got upset when I tried to take her bedside table away.

Oh! She's single. She doesn't need both.

I stand by that.

God, I can't believe...

Right, I'm off for a shower before sexy nurse arrives.

I prefer it when you're hovering.

Yeah, well, I don't know what is wrong with this cloak, but I've

somehow been sweating and shivering for the last ten minutes.

No wonder the Grim Reaper's always in such a bad mood.

Owen, Kate is not a good way.

Oh, she'll be all right.

She's been dumped before.

She gets over it. Then she'll just get dumped again.

Fine, well, I suppose as I'm the only one who puts her feelings

first, I'M going to have to go and talk to her.

DOORBELL RINGS

However, I will just get that.

Put the lamp down!

At last! One extra-large meat feast pizza.

That's not what I ordered.

Fantastic!

That was so quick. You guys are great.

Just checking, you did replace the chicken with beef? Yeah.

And you replaced the ham with the salmon? Yeah.

Good old surf and turf.

Sorry, what is going on?

Well, all that talk about pizza

started my stomach rumbling, so I ordered one.

Where's my pizza? I ordered it first.

It should be ready first.

Oh, don't worry, your pizza was almost ready when I left with his.

So why didn't you wait? Because his would get cold.

He's a customer, too. Well, when you come back,

you could at least bring some mozzarella sticks.

I'm afraid we're all out, mate.

They've been incredibly popular.

Well, that does not surprise me.

Mmm, yeah, do you know what? I

genuinely think they could spell the end for bruschetta.

That's what I said! Mmm.

Yeah.

Sorry, can you go and get my pizza?

Yeah, sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Go away!

Hey, mate.

I just wanted to say...

You're not going to end up on your own.

Yes, I am. No, you're not. It's just a run of bad luck.

Yeah, for ten years.

No-one has ever had a run of bad luck that long.

Of course they have!

Who? The Boston Red Sox.

What? The Curse of Bambino.

When the Boston Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees,

they suffered 86 years bad luck.

What are you talking about?

What I'm saying is you've got nothing to worry about.

Kate, you're one of the most amazing people I know.

Well, knocking on the door of the top ten.

Is your pizza still not here?

No, they delivered Jeff's surf and turf.

Do you want a slice of mine?

Are you sure? Yeah, course.

Oh, cheers, mate.

I haven't had a proper relationship in years.

That doesn't mean anything.

Alan Shearer went 12 games without a goal before Euro 96,

then he was the top scorer at the tournament.

I feel like these analogies would

work better if you were trying to console Gabby Logan.

You're better than Gabby Logan!

No, I'm not. No, you are.

Kate, you're great.

You're funny and you're clever and you're beautiful, and I can't

understand what that idiot was thinking tonight.

Can I just check something?

Yeah. Are you...

coming on to me? What?

With all these compliments, and

saying how I'm about to meet someone?

No, Kate, I'm just consoling you as a friend.

I'm being nice. Oh, you're being nice!

Yeah. That's why it feels weird.

Yeah, that'll be it. Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be your pizza.

Someone else'll get it.

One second. I just need to get this.

Hiya. Oh, after all that, I thought you weren't going to answer.

Oh, don't worry, mate. I couldn't care less.

Fair enough. See you. Thank you very much.

Oh, you're giving me a slice, remember? Yes.

Sexy nurse.

So, what time you coming over?

Couldn't wait until then to see me, eh?

What kind of mix-up? Yeah, but I had the placebo.

Yeah, I've been a little bit sweaty.

Oh, OK.

But... but I thought you were coming round to...

Oh, to monitor my symptoms.

Um, so what exactly is going to happen to me?

Both ends?

Right, OK, thank you.

Um, yeah, I'll see you later.

Bye.

Any news?

So it looks like you were right.

I think I might have slightly

overestimated my sexual attractiveness,

and slightly underestimated her lack of professionalism and laziness.

Yeah, it's started.

Oh, well, Jonathan Creek?

Yes, please.

If Owen doesn't pull through, do you

think you're going to want this seat?

Only, I know the perfect place for it.

MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme Tune