All language subtitles for Josh.S03E04.The.Old.Lady.and.the.Swan.720p.iP.WB-DL.AAC2.0.H.26-RTN

How's the writing going?
Not good.

What's that? That is a picture
of an elephant

that looks like Michael Carrick. Oh!

You're good at trunks.

Thank you. Hey, if you're struggling
to write material,

why don't you become
an impressionist?

Not my scene. Do you know what?

I'm from a long line
of impressionists,

my great-great-great-grandad did
the first-ever impression.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did. It was a superb
William Pitt the Younger.

The Whigs lapped it up.

Oh! Here's one for you!

IRISH ACCENT: If you'd pass me
a guitar, I'd play something.

Bono? No.

The Edge.
Oh, you're jokin', aren't ya?

It's Jim Corr, who played guitar
in The Corrs.

Do you know what?
I'm going to write at home.

Oh, no problem.
I'll see you later.

IRISH ACCENT: Look, half a blueberry
muffin. No-one tips in this country,

they've got eyes bigger than
their stomachs and arms shorter
than their pockets.

I'm hungry, there's just something
about cheese and pickle... Hello.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, can I get
a soya latte? Yeah, coming right up.

I hope you don't mind me saying,
but I love your accent.

Oh, much... Much obliged.

You're Irish, right?

Am I Irish?

Um... Yeah, yeah.

I'm Irish.

Take a seat, I'll bring it over.

Oh, Kate, have you got
any stale bread?

What?! No.

I'll also accept seeds or mealworms.

And why do you need mealworms?

Cos I am nursing a sick bird
back to health.

Ah, like that old bloke
from Shawshank Redemption?

Yeah. But let's hope I don't go
the same way as him -

no-one wants to see "Geoff was here"
scratched into a beam.

Not least because it will impact
on the value of the property.

OK, well, don't give the birds
stale bread -

the mould can make them sick.

You need fresh bread soaked in milk.

How do you know that?

Look, keep it to yourself,
but when I was a teenager,

I joined an ornithology club.

Wow. I just did it to flesh out
my Ucas form.

Just don't tell Josh and Owen.

Why not? That is the coolest thing
I've ever heard

and I've heard Lose Yourself
by Eminem. It's not cool.

It is. He won the rap battle
against Papa Doc.

Thank you so much for this,
it's very gentlemanly of you.

Oh, don't worry -
what are neighbours for?

Well, it's such a blessing having
a strapping young man like you

turning up! So, what do you do -

weightlifter,
international strongman...

beach hunk?

No, no, no, I'm a comedian.

Oh, that must be lovely making
people laugh in the evenings.

You're writing all your new jokes
at home during the day...

Yeah, yeah. You must have
so many funny jokes.

So, is this you? The fourth floor,
right up the top.

Of course. Follow me.

I am, yep.

What was in the box?

Well, I couldn't ask,
I was in too much pain.

But I guess an anvil.

if it was that heavy, you
should have just said something.

I can't do that,
Violet's a lovely old lady.

And possible blacksmith.

Ooh, Home Alone 2.

I actually think this is better
than the first one.

No, that bird woman's weird.

What do you mean by that? Sorry?

DOOR CLOSES

IRISH ACCENT: Then Roy Keane told
Mick McCarthy to stick it
up his bollocks,

which obviously can't be done.
Who's Roy Keane?

He's the greatest midfielder
who ever lived, but then,
I might say that, I'm biased.

Why are there people
in our house?

Hey, guys!

Oh, hi. Hi. This is Josh
and this is Kate.

Hi, guys! Hi! This is, er, Lauren,
she's moved over from the Big Apple.

Right, and where have you
moved from?

Well, Cork in Ireland.
You know that, Josh, come on.

Um, do you mind if I...?

Of course, it's through there,
you can't miss it.

Sorry. Sorry, why are you talking
like an Irishman?

Well, I think national identity's
an increasingly fluid concept

in today's day and age. Like, look
at John Barrowman - is he American,

is he Scottish? Who cares?
He's a consummate entertainer.

Sorry, I'll ask again. Why are you
speaking in an Irish accent?

NORMAL ACCENT: All right, there's
an off chance that when I first met

Lauren, I was talking in an Irish
accent and there's an off chance

that she absolutely loved it,
and there's an off chance

that when we went for a drink,

I had no option other than
to keep it up.

Oh! Oh, dear, that is amazing!

Oh, we'll be fine,
I'm good at doing accents,

I can keep it going for a few dates.

What about after that?

What do you mean?

Owen, some relationships go on
for longer than three dates.

IRISH ACCENT: Well, I think
we can cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Right, would you like that Baileys
I promised ya?

OK, off we go to the bar!

Got any ideas?

Something about cornflakes.

Spoons.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh...

It's a pity. Did I tell you
I'm something great

with that spoons stuff?

Oh, God.

"Murder On The Leyton Orient
Express."

What does that even mean?

That's the third package already
for Violet today.

It's not on, she's breaking
the neighbour rules.

What are the neighbour rules?

Well, one - a maximum of
two packages taken in per month.

Number two - no hoovering
or step aerobics after 9pm.

Three - if you enjoy sex,
move your bed away from the wall.

Who doesn't enjoy sex?

Me, when Owen doesn't move his bed
away from the wall.

So why's she getting her packages
delivered here?

She's having her bathroom done and
I said I'd take her deliveries in,

but I didn't expect to become
her Amazon pick-up point.

I'm just going forward and back
to the door,

I feel like I'm doing a bleep test.

Bleep test.

TV ON

So, the teams put on a red
or a blue fleece

and then they have to go
round an antiques fair

and buy three items.

IRISH ACCENT: Then they take
the items to auction

and whatever profit they make,
Tim Wonnacott gives them in cash.

If they make a profit on all
the items, they win a golden gavel.

So what did that couple just win?

20 quid. Did they win the gavel?

No.

TV: You have an unhealthy obsession

with Bargain Hunt, you two,
I'm told. Yes, I once dressed...

You should get Netflix.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh, I'm going to get this.

Would you like us to pause it
for you? Um, I'm OK.

Hey! How are you?

So, I've got a problem.

Is this about the Good Friday
Agreement?

Oh, sorry, force of habit.

No, my problem is -
Lauren is amazing.

We've really clicked,
we were talking all night.

Yeah, I could hear you. Sounded like
an audience with Eamonn Holmes.

Albeit while he intermittently
has sex with the guests.

She's funny, she's interesting,

she told me all about her life
growing up in New York.

I told her all about mine.

Growing up in... Cork.

Sorry, have you gone insane?

Oh, Carmarthen, Cork.
What difference does it make?

The facts remain the same,
don't they?

You know, I did go
to a small school,

I just played less hurling
than I suggested.

Think I can keep this up
for the rest of my life?

I reckon she might figure it out
when she meets your parents.

Oh, no, I've thought about that and
they're both very talented mimics.

Chinese takeaway in town gives Dad
15% off

because they genuinely think
he comes from Beijing.

The problem is, he can't turn up
to pick up the order.

Owen, that was my friend Siobhan.

She wants to have a drink with us
tonight and, surprise, surprise...

she's from Cork as well.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, that sounds absolutely great.

TV: That's what we're going for.

Are you going to spend the lot,
then? We hope to spend quite a
bit...

Kate, I've got a bit of a situation.

If you've trapped yourself in your
shoes again, I'm not helping you.

You need to stop doing
quadruple knots.

No, it's that bird I was nursing
back to health...

Oh, no, has it died?

Worse, it's back to full strength
and causing havoc in my house.

How is it causing havoc?

A fully fit swan is a powerful bird.

Sorry, you're nursing a swan
back to health?

And not a very grateful one, it's
pecked my sideboard into next week.

Looks like my TV is on a block
of Emmental.

People will think
I'm mentally unwell,

especially when they factor in
I live with a swan.

It's not funny, Kate.

It's terrifying.

Mm. You know what a pigeon is like
when it gets stuck in a room,

imagine that but with four times
the wingspan.

Yeah, I know, sorry, that does sound
really bad.

So you're the bird expert -
what should I do?

Uh! I'm not a bird expert, I just
did a few after-school sessions.

I only attained the level of
"Chaffinch", so...

You must have some ideas!

You need to call the RSPB.

I've done that, but there's
an oil slick off the Kent coast.

I'm trying to break bread with
a swan while they're dealing with

3,000 seagulls that look like
the Fonz.

Just wait till they're available.

They said it could be two weeks,
I could be dead in two weeks, Kate!

What if it attacks?

I can't fight a swan.

The Queen'll come down on me
like a ton of bricks.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Josh.
Violet.

I think I've had a few packages
delivered here.

Yeah, a few, yeah.

Ooh!

Santa's been!

Yeah. Although you're on the naughty
list and I'm on the nice one.

Oh, I hope it hasn't been
an inconvenience for you.

No, although I do need to be
doing some writing

and the deliveries can
interfere with my flow.

Completely understand.

Great. It's vital you get your
important comedy writing done.

Right.

Ah!

Can I help you with...?
Oh, thank you.

I think I might struggle.

Yeah, great. OK.

Er, lift from the knees.

Sorry. I was worried about
your poor technique yesterday.

Right, OK.

That lot's a bit ambitious
for your arms.

Let's maybe do them
in several trips.

OK. Fourth floor, right at the top.

So, where are you from in Cork?
Yeah, I am.

No, which bit?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were
answering your own questions in,

"Where am I from? In Cork."
Anyway, did you see Bargain Hunt
this morning? No. No, I didn't.

Oh, that's a shame.

So, where did you grow up?

Oh, you know, the suburbs.

Which area?

The east.
Oh, Sallybrook or Glanmire?

Glanmire, yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, yeah.

That's where I'm from!

Oh, of course you are!

Brilliant. That's amazing!

You'd thought you'd have crossed
paths. Yeah, you would.

Which school did you go to?
Which school did you go to?

Sorry, I really want to know.

No, no, you first, I insist.

No, no, you first.

I insist. Oh, I went to St Aloysius.

No way? I went to St Aloysius!

Shut up?! Yeah, but probably
at a different time.

It's a girls' school.

I know.

I got you there, a little bit
of Cork humour style,

and there'll be no more
Cork in-jokes, I promise.

Right, I'm going to go and get a
drink. No, no, my round, actually.

OK. What are you guys having?
Murphy's, please.

Do you know what? I think
I'll try one as well.

Ooh! Mm, nice. Isn't this great?

It's great, yes, brilliant, yeah,
but do you mind if we go home?

But we've only had one drink.

Yeah, well, um, I've got to be
honest,

all this Cork talk's actually
making me a bit sad, so...

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought
you'd like it.

Yeah, well, usually I would,
I'd love it,

but I can't afford to go back
very often,

so it's actually making me homesick.

Oh, Owen, that's so sweet.

Yeah, to be honest, even Siobhan's
accent's making me a bit sad,

so do you mind if we go?
Well, what about your Murphy's?

Uh, tell her to cancel it
because it...

It tastes better in Ireland.
See you outside.

Get me coat.

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, mate,
just dropping this off.

One cashmere, pocket-sprung
deluxe mattress.

I think you've got
the wrong address.

Well, it says here, "Violet Robbins,
care of flat seven."

Care of! That's a bit much,
isn't it?

I'm sure she'll let you have a go
on it.

I don't want to go on a mattress
with a granny, I'm not...

Not what? I was going to make a
Wayne Rooney joke, but I lost faith.

Correct decision.

If you are thinking of subletting
the living room,

I will have you arrested.

He's taken the upstairs, Kate.

Sorry?
The swan, I can't go up there.

Each time I try, he pecks me
through the banisters,

it's like that bit with
the boxing gloves in Total Wipeout.

I need sleeping pills -
have you got any?

No. That's a pity, I thought
I'd put some in his hot chocolate.

You're giving him hot chocolate?

I've tried everything, Kate.

I even made a nest for him
in the front room out of branches,

but he won't come down
from my bedroom.

So I ended up sleeping in it myself.

I haven't been this sleep deprived
since the days of acid house.

You were a raver?

I bought a flat above
the Ministry of Sound.

It was my fault, I thought
they were government offices.

OK, well, there's nothing I can do
about this.

Well, can I at least
use your toilet?

Mine's in enemy territory.

I can't go in the pond again,
my carp hate me.

They probably just think
you're one of those fountains.

Fountains don't do what I was doing.

Oh!

Ooh, hello, sweetie!

Your mattress. Oh, thank you.

Aren't you an angel?

Don't suppose it was heavy, though.

Oh, lovely!

I thought you said it was your
bathroom you were getting done.

It was, but it went so well,
now I've moved on to the rest
of the flat.

Right, and I notice you've put,
"Care of flat seven".

In case I was out.

But you're in.
I might have been out.

I might have been out.
Seems unlikely.

No, it seemed sensible to send them
to you, I'm out all the time!

Now, today I went to aqua aerobics,

a tea morning and then I met
Iris for a pint.

Yeah, it's just I do need
to be writing.

Of course!
Your precious comedy writing time.

Look, I know I said I'd take in
your packages,

but I did mean one or two a week,

not, like, a full flat's worth,
so...

this is going to need to stop.

Well, I'm sorry,
but that isn't going to happen.

Sorry? I said
that isn't going to happen.

You're going to keep taking my
deliveries whenever I need you to,

otherwise you can kiss goodbye
to your free Wi-Fi.

Sorry, what are you talking about?

Do the words, "Violet's Internet
Hub" ring any bells?

Yeah, it's what Owen called
our Wi-Fi...

Oh, God, we're using your Wi-Fi.

Yep. I gave your little Welsh friend
the password,

said you could all use my Wi-Fi
as a favour when you moved in.

Well, now I'm calling that favour
in.

Sorry, I... What?!

You keep collecting
and delivering my packages...

..or I'll change the password.

No?!

In fact, I've got a NutriBullet
on the way and if there's so much as

a chip on it, well, I'm sorry...

Sorry, what is this, The Godfather?

Oh, it's far worse.

In The Godfather,

they never threatened to rename
their router Josh's Porn Box,

so that everyone in the building
could see.

You wouldn't dare. Try me.

I don't think it's viable
to keep doing the accent.

What if I said I was losing it
due to time living away from home?

Surely you'd be developing
a London accent.

Or, where's equidistant
between Cork and London?

Wales. I could say my accent had
naturally found a halfway point.

Just tell her.

First time in years I end up
properly liking summat

and I'm stuck doing a fake accent,
this is just my luck.

Owen, why didn't you tell me
we've been using Violet's Wi-Fi?

Oh, she approached me
on the first day and offered.
I thought it was nice of her.

She says if I stop accepting
her packages,

she's going to change the password.

She's giving out favours
and now she's calling them in.

Have you not seen The Godfather
and learnt its lessons?

What, are you worried you're going
to wake up and find a router
in your bed? What's the problem?

Look, just keep accepting her
packages, she's a lovely old lady
and we need Wi-Fi.

Mm. No, because I am not Mrs Goggins
and she is not a lovely old lady.

Mrs Goggins? Yes, she is.

No, Violet.

She's off out down at aqua aerobics
and getting hammered with Iris.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to push her
mattress up two flights of stairs.

Are you having a breakdown?

No, I'm thinking very clearly.

I'm going to go and sort us out
our own Wi-Fi.

Wait a minute, Owen,

I've been paying you for Wi-Fi
for the last three years!

Have you guys seen there's
a wireless router in this building

called Josh's Porn Box?!
Really? What?! No! Yeah.

Oh, God, she's done it already.

Here we go.

It's on the house, I'll say
I dropped it on the floor.

Did you drop it on the floor?
No, no, I caught it on me foot.

Like George Best?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, technically,
he was Northern Irish, but still...

Anyway, um... About that, actually.

Um, I've got something to tell you.

OK. Oh, no, no, it's not bad,
it's good.

H-Hopefully it'll bring us
closer together.

Great. Yeah, um...

Listen, I really like you.

And I really like you too.

Oh, great.

When I moved here, I had no idea
what I was doing

and you've made it feel like home,

despite the fact
that this isn't your home either.

Well... I mean, I was a mess
when I moved here,

and I hope you don't mind
hearing this,

but the reason I left New York was
because I discovered

that the man that I fell in love
with wasn't who he said he was.

Oh, dear. Yeah. I was humiliated.

I felt broken and...

I'm sorry, you don't want to hear
about that.

Um... What was it you wanted to say?

Right. Well, um...

This is hard to say and, um,
it may sound weird, actually,

but it's about being Irish.

I...

..think Siobhan's pretending
to be Irish.

Sorry? I'm afraid so.

Um, just a lot of the stuff she said
about being from Cork, like,

you know, none of it made sense.

Oh, God! Why would she do that?

God only knows. That's so weird.

Yeah, it's bad form, like,
sorry you had to hear it from me.

No, it was the right thing to do.

Let me make you a coffee.
Listen, Owen,

I don't want to come on too strong,

but I've done something
kind of impulsive.

Are you pretending
to be an American?

No. No!

Uh, when we met Siobhan,

it made me so sad to see you
feeling so homesick... Oh.

And it just didn't seem fair that
you don't have the money to go back.

Which is why I booked us two tickets
to go back to Cork this weekend!

Sweet Jesus. You're going home!

Great.

DOORBELL RINGS

Kate, no, no, no!

It might be a delivery for Violet.

I have to be able to answer
the door,

I can't be under house arrest
with you and your porn box.

It is not my porn box.

That's not what they're saying
on the ground floor.
Oh, does it reach that far?!

Yeah. Rumour is you stream
six videos at the same time

like Minority Report.

It's Geoff. I know you're in there.

I can hear you talking about
Josh's porn box.

Oh, my God. My God, what happened?

You know how they say a swan can
break your arm?

Well, they can also really batter
your face.

Oh, I can't believe this has
happened, I'm so sorry.

When he attacked, I held my hands
behind my back,

presuming they were most at risk -

if anything, that just left
my face as an open goal.

Sorry, have you been attacked
by a swan?

To quickly explain,
I found an injured swan,

took him home to nurse him back
to health using Kate's advice,

as she was once in Ornithology Club.

And once the bird was back
to full strength,

he took over my house before
exacting his bloody revenge

for my kindness. What a week.

Oh, my God.

You were in Ornithology Club?

I just did it to flesh out
my Ucas form.

Don't play it down, Kate,
you made it up to Chaffinch.

Chaffinch?! Now, I just need
one more piece of advice.

Josh, would you mind giving me
a hand?

Yeah, of course.

Lift from the knees.

OK.

Steady, quite heavy.

Yes, I know.

Mind my door. Sorry.

So, is the swan still in your house?

No, Josh is holding him.

What?! Well, I tried wrapping him
round my neck,

but I looked like Bjork
going to the Oscars.

So that's when I put him in the box.

God, is he dead?

Sedated, I put a sleeping pill
in his Bovril.

His Bovril? Well, he wasn't drinking
his hot chocolate.

God knows what he'll be like
when he wakes up!

He'll be livid. So why did you
bring him here?

Because I needed expert advice
on where to leave him.

Well, not in our flat!

DOORBELL RINGS

No. Who is it?

Delivery.

What are you delivering?
Wi-Fi router.

Really? Yeah.

Are you sure it isn't a NutriBullet?

Sorry, what's happening?

Here you go.
Ah, thank you.

Violet. I thought you weren't going
to take any more of my deliveries.

Well, actually, this is for me.

You pay a man ?10, he'll say
anything's a Wi-Fi router.

Now, hand over my NutriBullet.

No, it's got my address on it.
Just saving time, Joshua.

No. I warned you.

Well, seeing as it's got my name on
it, I'm going to assume it's mine.

So I can do what I like with it.

Don't do anything stupid.

Oh, I could go into my kitchen
and put some spinach in it.

Or I could knock up a carrot juice,
or I could...

Soup? I could make a soup.

Josh. OR I could throw it
out the window.

No, Josh! Joshua!

It's stuck.

Push and turn. No, Joshua.

Push and turn. I am!

We could come to an arrangement.

I could change the name
of your porn box.

Too late! Oh, no!

Oh, dear. Looks like I just smashed
your NutriBullet.

SHE CRIES

CRIES TURN TO GIGGLES

Oh, dear. You've just smashed
your new Wi-Fi router.

Oh, that's a pity. What?

No-one over 40 would be
stupid enough

to waste their money on a fad
like a NutriBullet!

I had one. Swan broke it.

I've tricked people into smashing
their own Wi-Fi routers before now

and I'll do it again.

No. My God, you were right.

She is an evil Mrs Goggins.

I'd beat the shit out of
Mrs Goggins.

Now, it's probably best
if you just accept your lot

and toe the line in this building
from now on.

Ooh! I presume this box is for me?

Well, no, actually that...
Yeah, yeah.

I'll just grab it and bring it up.
If you would.

From the knees.

And then I thought we could go
to your local for a pint

and maybe you could introduce me
to some of your old friends,

and then I would love to go see
the Ballycotton cliffs.

Oh, the Ballycotton cliffs.

Bloody hell, what have you packed
in here?

An elephant? Oh, my God, I love
your accent, where's that from?

Wales. Oh, wow!

Did you hear, babe? He's from Wales!

That's amazing, I love Wales.

It's like the most beautiful place
I've ever been to

and the men are so incredibly
good-looking, right?

There must be something
in the water there.

Are you completely Welsh, or are you
like half-Welsh, half-English?

Cos that's like a thing, right?

HISSING

RATTLING AND THUMPING

Argh!

MUSIC: Runaway by The Corrs

I'm falling in love with you

No, never

I'm never gonna stop falling
in love with you

Cos I am falling in love...