Original subtitles

Oh, you all right, mate? Oh, God.

Oh, come on, Josh, it's just a bit of soap and a penis. Sorry,

am I having an anxiety dream?!

You still haven't got the guts to

shower in the all-together? No.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable if I had a body like that, as well.

I go to the gym four times a week, thank you very much!

Can't be doing it properly!

Do you want me to come with you, show you a couple of pointers?

Look at what you could achieve. Check those thighs out!

I don't want to look at those thighs, I know what's next to them.

Oh, go on, Josh. Treat yourself.

How big are your thighs? Are you on the 'roids?! Am I on the "'roids"?

What is this, an informative episode of Saved By The Bell?

Course I'm not on the 'roids.

For the record, these thighs are the result of pumping iron

and strong Welsh genes,

which incidentally is what I need to wear to keep them in check.

Now, pass me that coconut body butter, will you?

Come and join the party.

The tickets are like gold dust and I've got one.

It's like Harry Potter, but on stage,

and there's a real owl in the show.

You know, playing the owl, not one of the little wizards.

Oh, that's great, Kate.

Um, anyway, you know how Neil and

I really value you as a friend, and

we both think you've been amazing

with Oscar since he was born?

All part of the service of being a valued friend!

Well, we were wondering

if you'd like to make that role more official.

Oh, my God!

Are you making me your best friend? No, Kate.

We were wondering how you would feel

about becoming Oscar's godmother.

Oh, I would love to! Oh, YAY!

I am so touched that you looked at me and thought,

"Spiritual guidance."

Obviously, there are duties. Oh, I am all over it, you know?

Moral compass, gifts at birthdays, I get him if both of you are...

Murdered?!

Oh... No, I didn't mean both murdered,

I just meant general death.

Could be anything. Suicide pact?

Although that's normally pills, isn't it? So that's more like...

Ah, it burns! Ooh, it burns!

Oh, I love you. Goodbye!

Godmothering. Go.

What we're thinking is not so much raising an orphan child,

as just the odd night baby-sitting.

Oh, any time you want.

Me and the godson, chilling out, chewing the fat.

Putting the world to rights. You know he can't talk? Of course! Yeah.

Yeah, it's just good to have a sounding board.

Um, don't suppose you'd be free tomorrow?

Do I have to provide my own nappies? No.

Then I am available. Oh, that's great!

Ah. So, um... who is your best friend?

Oh, God!

Give us a minute.

Is there anyone in my life that understands the rules of public nudity?!

What the hell are you doing?

I'll give you a clue - it's not a sit-down wee.

Ah! Well, why haven't you locked the door?

Came round to oil the lock.

I removed it but haven't replaced it yet.

Well, why didn't you wait until you put the lock back on?

Because, I spent so much time in the toilet, I needed to go!

It's like what they say about shopping for food when you're hungry.

It makes the hunger stronger.

Right, when we're done, we need to have a chat.

TOILET FLUSHES

Geoff?

Geoff?

Josh, where do you keep your brush? Oh, God!

I'd like to bring Raf and Lucinda back into the boardroom.

This isn't a joke, Geoff. We need to talk to you about how much you've been coming round.

I always have a valid reason!

Yesterday you came round to check if the TV worked

and then watched Spartacus.

No, I watched Spartacus!

Oh, come on. From now on, you are banned from the premises. What?!

No more pointless visits. We have legal rights. Oh, come on, guys.

No, we've made our decision, Geoff.

Owen, do you agree with this?

Well, maybe we... Yes!

He agrees.

You'll want me back, soon as there's a problem!

That isn't going to happen. Goodbye, Geoff.

I'd like to thank you for the opportunity, Lord...

Do you know what, I'm actually too sad to do that.

OK. There's some expressed milk in the fridge...

Actually, I'm trying to cut down on my dairy!

Neil made that mistake once. Ruined my Weetos.

Everything you need to change Oscar is on the changing table in the bedroom. OK.

Is that something he's going to require? You know, to be changed?

Yeah, it doesn't stop down there. Proper production line.

It's like the Tunnock's factory. Oh, please, Neil! Sorry. Yes, look - don't worry, you'll be fine.

Just remember, if he starts crying it's cos he's hungry, or he wants changing... Right.

..or he's bored, or he's tired or he's suddenly started teething.

Wait, how will I know which one? Oh, I'm sure you'll work it out!

What is teething?!

OSCAR CRIES

Oh, God.

CRYING CONTINUES

Oh!

So, I start on here and I just ease myself into the rhythm, really.

What, of Harold Bishop's power walk?

Got to warm up the muscles. You don't want to risk a tear! Right, of course.

Also, this gives me the opportunity

to choose a podcast for my workout. OK.

Come on, mate! Just pick one. OK!

Melvyn Bragg's In Our Time, I think.

Sharpen the mind while I sharpen the body. Who are you, Graeme Le Saux?

Right, come on, let's pick up the pace a bit. No, I haven't even put my headphones in yet! Here we go.

Go hard or go home, Joshua. Now we're in the calorie-burning zone.

This is more like it.

What?

You run like a toddler going down a hill.

Mate, I'm going up an incline of 0.5%, thank you very much.

Oh, this is funny, look, this is funny!

Oh, look, it's Mr Bear. "Hello, I'm Mr Bear.

"Stop crying, you stupid baby!"

Look, how have you been keeping this up for five hours?

Please, Oscar, please, please stop crying.

Oh! Mummy's home.

Hi. Oh, wow! Look at this room! Yeah, er...

The mess was mostly Oscar.

Aww. Oh, did you enjoy yourself?

Er, did I enjoy myself?

Suppose I'd have to say... yes!

Ah, he is a real character.

Ah, that's great news, cos I've got something to ask you, actually.

Are you free tomorrow?

Oh, tomorrow... I'm doing the...

..the, the meal out. Oh.

It's just Neil's grandad's been rushed to hospital.

Oh, that's awful. So he can't baby-sit, either?

He was next in line! He's not in a good way.

We really need to go and see him.

Wouldn't he like to see Oscar? No.

I mean, I could look after him if you want. Oh, thank you.

You're so kind. Can you just grab him a second? Oh, really?

Yeah, um... I just, um... need to have a bath. OK.

OSCAR CRIES

For...

Josh, you cycle like a vicar on his way to evensong.

Oh, sorry - won't be long. Won't be long? You've only done 47 seconds.

Yeah, the gym is all about short, sharp bursts.

Well, in that case, pick up the pace,

otherwise you'll never deliver the Hovis by sunrise.

So sorry about this, he actually learnt to cycle on a penny-farthing.

Wondered whose that was in the bike rack.

He's actually worse on the treadmill,

he runs like a sausage dog!

I've got short legs! Well, they haven't been worn down through speed.

I'm not a natural at the gym, either. You know what helped me out?

Spin class.

Oh, yeah? What's that? Well, it's an hour's cycling...

Right. ..in the dark. Yeah.

Set to a soundtrack of driving techno and funky house!

Absolutely not. Ooh, we'll be there!

That's just what he needs. Yeah, you'll love it.

SHE MURMURS

Berwick are the only team in Scotland that actually play their games in England.

Isn't part of Chester's new ground IN Wales?

No, don't...

No...

You got poo on your hands.

No, don't put it in your mouth!

SHE SNORTS

Ooh.

I'm going to guess that godmothering wasn't as easy as you first thought?

Oh...

He was sick on the sofa, he trod expressed milk into the carpet,

and then he managed to get hold of my phone.

He smashed your phone?! No, worse.

He managed to delete Doodlejump.

I've lost ALL my high scores! You back up, Kate, you ALWAYS back up.

After that, all I remember is crying.

Firstly from him, and then for the last hour from both of us.

Well, it's over now. No, it's not!

I've just been talked into going back for round two.

Neil's grandad's in hospital.

I mean, what am I supposed to say,

"Oh, no, you can't go and visit your grandad on his death

bed cos I want to stay in and watch the Great Pottery Throw Down"?

Ooh, is that back on? Great! Ah!

Wonder what the main make will be.

I reckon, week one, stackable bowls. Good shout.

Then you never know, do you, cos clay is such a versatile medium. That's true...

I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about me and my problems? Oh, sorry. Sorry.

I mean, godmothering is basically just unpaid baby-sitting.

Well, why don't you hire a baby-sitter to take over from you, then?

I don't think Karen's going to be all right with Kate outsourcing her godmothering!

You don't tell her. You wait for Karen to leave and then you arrange another baby-sitter.

You can then enjoy Sara Cox criticise a wonky pot,

making sure you return to take over before Karen gets back.

Everyone wins. Karen gets to visit the death bed.

Kate gets to look like a great godmother,

and the baby-sitter gets minimum wage. That is brilliant!

What, so rather than look like a bad godmother for the next 17 years,

you're just going to hire a baby-sitter?

No! Just until Neil's grandad,

touch wood, dies.

Shower's running cold again.

Everything disappeared, I look like a Ken doll.

My penis looked tired and frightened. The thighs only serve to highlight that!

We're going to have to call Geoff. There is no way we're calling Geoff.

I mean, do you really need to shower that much?

I've heard after a while the body starts cleaning itself!

No, that's dreadlocks. Not an option for us, is it?

We find it hard enough to attract women as it is without

becoming a white man with dreads.

Well, it's fine, you can just shower at the gym!

Well, I'm happy with that if you are. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah?

What you wearing this time, Victorian bathing costume?

Full wet suit? Piss off!

OWEN LAUGHS

I'm not sure this is going to be for me.

Can I leave if it gets too intense?

You're riding a bike, you're not going on a date with Kate.

If I hide at the back and need to stop pedalling,

no-one will notice, will they? Well, they will - they lock all the doors.

You only get the exit code when everyone's finished their distance.

Really?! No!

Listen, you'll be fine.

No-one's ever been spun to death.

But my cousin's mate Brian nearly was.

What? Yeah, zorbed off a cliff. No! He ruined the stag do.

Thankfully, he was one of those people only the groom knew

and he'd already been quite annoying in the e-mail group.

Everybody here's a woman! That's not true, me and you are here!

Right, I'm going to find someone to buddy up with.

What do you mean, buddy up? Have you not read the blurb?

They encourage you to buddy up with someone, so you can help

each other push through the burn. Well, then, buddy up with me!

Mate, everyone here's a woman. I'm not going to buddy up with you.

What...? Hello!

Got some newbies. Welcome. Hello.

Hiya, I'm Josh, I, um... I'm a bit nervous.

Oh, don't worry, there's no winners and losers.

Good. Now, I just need your spinning

nicknames for the leaderboard.

Kylie Minogue? Cos, er, I'm spinning around. Fantastic! And you?

I don't have a nickname.

Oh, anything related to the word spin usually goes down well.

Alastair Campbell? Sorry?

He was Tony Blair's director of communications.

Often referred to as a spin doctor?

I'm just going to put "Josh".

I'll see you later.

Hey, it's Mr Penny Farthing! Oh, hey! Glad you made it. Oh.

Do you want to buddy up?

Oh, yeah. Oh, thank God you're here, it's actually quite daunting.

The first time you did this class, did you worry about...

OK, girls, are we ready to spin? ALL: Yeah! Yes, we are!

MUSIC PLAYS

Let's get warmed up.

Argh! Can't get my feet in the stirrup things!

Come on, girls, this is the easy bit.

Come on!

80 to 100 RPM.

Ooh, my inhaler!

Resistance dials, two turns to the right.

I can't get my foot out the...

How do you get your foot out the stirrup?

Loosen the strap. I, I can't!

Pedal 80 to 100 RPM.

How do I know what speed I'm going?

80 to 100! No, I know that! I mean...

Resistance dials, two turns to the right. What's the resistance dial?

Another quarter turn on the resistance dial. And find the beat.

Find the beat?! I can't find the resistance dial! God!

OK. So there's ?15. Thanks.

Um, just before you go,

Oscar didn't do anything I should know about, did he?

Well, he can walk now. Really?! Yeah.

He wandered down to Sainsbury's to pick up some rusks.

Oh, right. Yes. Very good. Um, so you should probably be on your way. If that's...

Oh, why are there so many photos of

Oscar with a woman that isn't you?

Oh, er, that is my sister. Yeah.

Just don't like having photos of myself up.

I'll probably be the same when I'm old.

Sorry?! I'm not old. I'm going to

see the Harry Potter play tomorrow.

OK. I'll see you later.

DOOR OPENS

Oh! Oh! Hi, Kate. Hi, guys. How was Oscar? Ah, sweetness and light.

OSCAR CRIES

In fact, that is the first time I've heard him cry all day.

He cries ALL the time with us. God, you must be a natural.

Yeah, I'm really good with kids. I'd better...

How's Neil's grandad? It's not looking good. Yeah.

Are you free tomorrow?

I'm not, no.

Suppose we won't be able to say goodbye, then.

I guess I can move a couple of things around.

Thanks.

Great work, you are smashing it! Double speed!

Who's that flagging at the back? Come on, Gordon Brown!

If you're not pushing it,

you might as well be outside eating a sandwich.

Spinning Jenny, come on Spinning Jenny!

And well done, Kylie Minogue, spinning around big time.

Next time, come in hot pants. Are we having a good time? Woo! Yes!

HE COUGHS

HE RETCHES

Are you going to throw up?

No, the worst has passed.

I can't believe you came last.

It's actually quite an achievement.

It's 100% why Ellie invited me, just so she could win.

But she didn't win, she came second last. Not coming last is winning.

Ah, the old Olympic motto! I mean, it all makes sense.

That's why she was such a rubbish buddy.

Do you know, she didn't help me through the burn one bit?

It was incredibly good fun though, wasn't it? No, it was awful.

I mean, I could hardly walk. Did you have a particularly hard saddle?

No. I felt like I was straddling a diamond!

Right. I'm off to the toilet and then the shower.

The, er, colonels have earnt themselves

a serving of coconut body butter!

Actually, that reminds me, I need to order another tub.

They're thirsty girls.

Hey! What you doing?!

No way is she on the 'roids?

I went into the ladies' toilets by mistake,

and there Ellie was, clear as day, boosting herself.

She's a 'roid head? Yeah! I'd stop saying "'roids" if I was you.

So she's Lance Armstrong, and I'm...

..whoever raced against Lance Armstrong?!

Ooh, superb analogy.

Well, do you know what, now I know it's a competition,

I'm not going to let her win!

I'm going to beat her, even if she is pumped full of cheating juice.

"Cheating juice"?! I think I preferred "'roids".

Come on, we're going to miss spinning!

That's it, I'm phoning Geoff. Owen, no!

Well, I flushed and the water wouldn't stop rising!

Felt like the tide was coming in!

And it was carrying a pretty sizeable ferry. Ugh, Owen!

Well, we need to get Geoff round to sort it. I will deal with it.

If you need to go, you can go at the gym. And you can go at the theatre!

I don't need to go.

Well, we haven't got a working toilet, so I would try.

Sorry. Where have you been? I need to go! Yeah?

My mum said she'd drop me off, and then she couldn't.

Never trust a Muggle!

Right, I need to go, for I, dear girl, have a date with a certain

Harry Potter.

Oh, you're a Harry Potter fan. Yeah, no, I told you.

You do know I'm actually friends with Rupert Grint? No way, are you?

No. Oh. Right, yeah, good one.

Actually, seeing as we're bonding, I'll let you in on a little secret.

I always take my own ice creams to the theatre! Don't tell anyone.

Who would I tell?

Er, the police...?

The police? Yeah.

Shouldn't you be going?

Yeah, OK. Laters!

Hey! Hey, buddy. It's great to see you.

Well, you'll be seeing me at the finish line.

Ooh! I'll wait for you.

Well, don't wait all night, because

I'll have won... ahead of you.

Sorry? I don't follow.

You'll be following me to the finish line.

I hope they've got us those blankets made of tinfoil.

What, for smoking your drugs? What?! Yeah, exactly.

MUSIC PLAYS

Come on, guys, feel the beat. Feel the beat? I AM the beat!

Keep going, guys!

You feeling the burn? Yeah?

Great work. You are smashing it.

Doing really well.

Really well, just keep going!

And five, four, three...

..two, one!

And we're done! Well done.

Let's take a look at the leader board. Yes! Get in! Oh.

No need to be more aerodynamic now!

Do you want to have a go on my inhaler?

Ellie?

Ellie, are you all right?

Yeah, she's fine! She just can't deal with the burn.

Oh, my God. Someone get a medic! Medic!

Ellie? How long's she been like this? I don't know!

I was concentrating on my cycling!

You were supposed to be BUDDYING.

Ellie! Ellie!

Oh, jeez. Hi, sorry. Ooh.

Got a programme. That's nice. Ooh!

Sorry.

Ah!

Kate! Kate!

Karen! Neil! Hi.

What the hell are you doing here? OK, look.

I can explain.

The thing is, I have a ticket for Harry Potter

And The Cursed Child Part One.

No shit. Kate, where is our son?!

OK. Don't panic. He's at home with a baby-sitter.

YOU are the baby-sitter! No, I am the godmother.

I have employed a baby-sitter.

And actually, while we're at it, what the hell are you doing here?

Er, well, Neil surprised me with tickets.

You know, he's a real Potterhead.

Guilty! No, I meant, aren't you supposed to be with your grandad?

Ah, well, he suddenly showed some signs of improvement. Yeah.

Ooh, did he? Oh. That's a coincidence.

On the night you had tickets to the hottest show in town?!

Pull the other one!

Well, you're going to have to go back.

I'm not going back, he's your child.

Neil, tell her.

Is she a good baby-sitter? What?!

No problem so far.

Well, you know, yeah, seeing as

we're all here, and she's there...

..I guess it would be remiss of us not to enjoy the play.

Yeah, and if you think about it, it would be unfair

on all the people who missed out on tickets if we didn't use our own.

Imagine being an actor and seeing an empty seat. Yeah. Or an owl!

They actually had to get rid of the owls after the third preview.

One got stuck up in the rafters.

Oh, you're kidding me!

Yeah, I know, gutting.

Out of interest,

what time did you tell the baby-sitter to knock off?

Oh, er, I said about tennish. Oh.

I can push it back a bit if you want to go for a couple of drinks afterwards.

I haven't been clubbing in ages. I'll text her.

Oh! God! It's all melted on my phone.

Well, the good news is Ellie's going to be all right.

It was an honest mistake.

You wanted to beat your buddy

so badly you overtook her after she collapsed.

No! I just didn't notice her. You do make it very dark in there.

It's so people don't feel self conscious.

You kept shouting out my name and saying, "Speed up, slowcoach!"

Anyway, I'm not going to feel bad for her.

The only reason she invited me was so she didn't finish last.

Spin class isn't a competition.

Well, what's that big screen at the front, then?

It's a motivational tool!

You're a motivational tool.

You're not helping your case here, mate. Right, we are done here.

I am revoking your membership.

What? No! What?

Tell her about the drugs.

Right. Fine.

Well, I didn't want it to come to this,

but you should know I am not the bad egg here.

Ellie was on the 'roids. What?!

He means steroids. Yeah.

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but this man saw her

injecting herself in the women's changing rooms.

I think you'll find that is why she collapsed.

She's diabetic, that is why she collapsed!

Actually, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

And what were you doing in the women's changing rooms?

Oh, no! Now that was an honest mistake.

What? I'm not a pervert!

Membership card. Oh, nice one.

Ooh, actually, excuse me, sorry.

Before we go, could I just use your shower, briefly?

Yeah, and the loo, the gents'?

Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle...

..bag, and now I can't switch my phone on.

I mean, I'm never going to see those Cross The Road scores again. I just unlocked the emo-goose character!

You back up, you always back up, Kate.

Oh, come on!

We've gotta call Geoff. Fine!

Thank you. Thanks.

I didn't even want rum and raisin,

but they'd run out of mint choc chip.

Heya, Geoff.

Yes, there is a problem with the flat.

Yeah, we do want you to come over.

Yes, you win.

OK. Cheers. Bye.

DOORBELL RINGS

Back in the game!

Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle, yeah

Bicycle

I want to ride my...

Bicycle, bicycle, come on!

Bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride it where I like.