Original subtitles

I can feel the shade... Yes. ..and the sun. And the sun, there

you go, keep going, we're nearly there,

I promise. Where are you taking me, though?

Well, I mean, it's supposed to be a surprise.

It's just I saw this horrible film called Cabin In The Woods

where scientists manipulated the mind of students.

It's not that, is it?

No, that'd definitely be a bit much for a third date.

Yeah. Ta-da.

Oh, my God. You're not scared, are you?

No, no, I'm...

Oh, my God, that looks so much fun.

Brilliant, yay, I knew you'd love it.

They've just installed four new zip wires! Great!

100% the worst experience I have

ever had in a car, and I was once picked up

by one of those giant magnets by mistake when I drove to the tip.

And my poor mother on the back seat screaming,

"My fillings, my fillings!"

It wasn't that bad.

It was worse than my nephew playing Grand Theft Auto.

At least he had the fuzz on his tail.

Can I get to the door, please, Geoff?

Until he changed vehicles beneath the underpass.

And I'll tell you another thing you can do beneath the underpass in that

game. And this is probably why it's an 18. If you toot the horn...

..which is actually pretty degrading.

Can we get back to my driving, please, Geoff?

Yeah, of course.

What I can tell you is that

your main problem is that you can't drive.

Yeah, but my test is tomorrow morning.

Luckily for you I offer the full range of services.

Landlord, driving instructor

and counsellor for when you inevitably fail.

Oh, God. Cos I'm doing a night class in psychotherapy,

and I need real-life case studies to test my skills on.

Deadline is looming and I need someone who is at a really low ebb,

so to quote the gigantic hand from the National Lottery...

"It could be you."

Why are you studying that?

It is a really fascinating subject.

Doing my dissertation on scream therapy,

it's where you scream your problems from the top of a mountain.

And here's a clever bit - I'm actually writing it all in caps.

What did they say? Is there an ETA

on when they're going to get me down?

Yeah, so they said it could be another hour.

For crying out loud.

So I think I'm going to head off.

But aren't we going for a drink?

Well, let's leave that for now.

I'm free tomorrow if you fancy.

I'm not sure it's a great idea. What about Monday?

Tuesday? I mean meeting up again.

What? I'm not sure that we're quite the right fit.

What? I'm beginning to think that we are not a great fit.

Sorry, you're quite far-away, Josh.

No, I can hear you, I just can't believe what you're saying.

Are you dumping me on a Go Ape course?

Technically, I've finished the course.

How is this happening?

Sorry. Sorry, Josh.

We've got a table booked at Wahaca.

Please don't film me, mate, have a bit of respect.

Oh. Oh, well, so obvious.

Shall we watch another Death in Paradise?

No, no, no.

I think four's enough. I can't help

thinking there won't be anyone left on that island if we keep going.

And anyway, I don't think I'm making enough of my time in London.

Yes, you are making the most of London - you're seeing me.

Hm.

OK. Well,

tomorrow's going to be amazing cos I have tickets for the theatre.

Really? Yeah. My goodness,

you picked up on my clues about the Jersey Boys? No.

Is it the Jersey Boys? No, no, we're not going to see

the Jersey Boys. Lion King? No. Phantom of the Opera? No. Wicked?

No. Aladdin? No. Thriller Live.

No. Matilda The Musical?

No. Not Mamma Mia?

No. Cats! Nope, just stop guessing.

OK? I have got us tickets to the new production from Mish-Mosh Theatre.

The what Mosh? Mish.

Mish-Mosh. They're an immersive theatre company.

They're a what? What? What, what?

Immersive. OK, it's a play that you interact with.

So instead of just going and watching the actors,

you actually get to take part in the play itself.

They give you a character, you have to sort of do

what you think the character would do.

Yes, well, I've got a character, thank you very much - Judith.

OK, but you wouldn't be Judith when you went there.

I think you'll find I would be. You wouldn't,

because you'd be within the play so you'd be doing whatever your

character would be doing. Well, I think my character would be leaving

and going to buy tickets for the Jersey Boys.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Hey, hey, hey.

If it isn't the internet's newest viral star.

I was dumped, it was filmed - it's not an achievement.

It is!

I've bookmarked Lad Bible for just this kind of viral treat.

Thank you, Geoff, goodbye.

Amazing how quickly they uploaded your video.

Yeah, they've got Wi-Fi at Go Ape.

Why would an ape need Wi-Fi?

But then I thought an ape would never be able to play drums and

we've all seen the footage. Put Dairy Milk into YouTube.

HE IMITATES DRUMMING

You don't seem as happy as I thought you'd be.

Why would I be happy?

Yet another relationship has ended in disaster.

You spent your entire career trying to make people laugh and now you

finally have 2,300,000 views?

Your hot on the heels of granny on a windy pier.

But they're laughing at me. Do you know how depressing that is?

Interesting. Yesterday I had a girlfriend and a career.

Today I'm the new cat bin lady.

And how does being the new cat bin lady make you feel?

This is a safe space, Josh, just you and me, nothing leaves the room.

I need to be at the test centre in half an hour, Geoff.

Are you ready to go? Just talking to Josh about how upset he is that

everyone knows he can't keep a girlfriend.

Just hold on to those depressive thoughts.

Josh isn't at his best, is he?

Not really in the headspace to think about that now, Geoff.

Why do you suddenly need to pass your test anyway?

Because I've owned a car for five years and never been out without

taking someone in the passenger seat.

And I have enjoyed every trip.

We've been like Thelma and Louise. Particularly that time when you

nearly drove us over a cliff in Brighton.

Yes, are you going to wait for me at the test centre?

No, I now have something I need to do.

So I'll drop you off and jump in a taxi.

OK. Oh, no, wait.

What? What about when you fail?

You'll need me there to legally drive the car home.

I appreciate the support, Geoff.

We'll pick it up tomorrow.

Just leave it parked up in the test centre. That should do it.

So, my character is Carla Farrow,

a difficult employee who speaks as she finds.

And you are... Geri O'Toole. Is that right?

A divorcee with a nose for trouble.

Right. Is that a snipe?

No, I've told you, that's your Mish-Mosh Theatre character.

Can you try and enjoy this, Mum - it could be really fun.

Look what you've given me to wear.

When you said you were getting me something to wear for the theatre,

I thought, oh, a lovely pashmina or a tiny pair of binoculars -

not one of David Dickinson's cast-offs.

The more you throw yourself into this,

the more you're going to get out of it.

Well, that's rich coming from you,

we all remember you in the 1994 school Nativity.

What? It was as if you weren't even bothered you were giving birth to

the son of God. My God, I was seven.

Yes. Hang on, number 48. Here we are.

Well, that doesn't look much like a theatre.

Well, no, it's not supposed to.

It's immersive theatre, it's supposed to look real.

Right, so, we're in the final days of the 2008 financial crash.

The oblivious staff are all totally unaware that they're about to lose

their jobs. Thrilling, let's hope

they still sell big packs of Minstrels.

Excuse me, is this Mish-Mosh Theatre?

No, sorry. But this is 48 Johnson Terrace?

No, this is Johnson Crescent, Johnson Terrace is round the corner.

Great, thank you.

Owen James. Here, sir.

I mean, here. Huw.

Nice to meet you. No, it's not.

I know how this works. Right, first things first, number plate, please -

want to make sure I'm not getting in a car with Stevie Wonder.

It's not Carpool Karaoke.

What you laughing at? Road safety is no laughing matter.

Number plate, please.

R, O, six, three, B, P, X.

Right, OK, chop chop. Is that a Welsh twang I'm picking up there?

Don't try that trick with me, sunshine -

I've failed more Welsh people than Margaret Thatcher. OK.

Is that a Swansea City air freshener?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Far from it. Only one thing I love

more than the smell of synthetic pine, and that's Swansea City.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

f Swansea till I die

f I'm Swansea till I die

f I know I am, I'm sure I am

f I'm Swansea till I die

f Swansea till I die

f I'm Swansea till I die

f I know I am, I'm sure I am

f I'm Swansea till I die! f

I tested a Cardiff City fan yesterday. Oh, yeah?

Failed him straightaway.

Brilliant. So it looks like I owe somebody a pass.

Drive on, Macduff.

No need to check your blind spot, that's a brick wall.

Well, already I hate the set.

Mum! Well, I was worried it was going to be this boring.

I found this in your kitchen, thought, "Why not?"

That's the stuff.

Immerse yourself in that.

No, we're here to enjoy the play.

Right, go on, then.

Whoa, mama.

Oh, it's you. Who were you expecting?

Millie's coming round to pick up some things she left here.

What, so I might get to meet

both stars of "Dude dumped on a zip wire"?

Sorry. That was insensitive. I'll start again.

The reason I came over is to say I know how you're feeling.

I get it. Really?

Have you ever been dumped at Go Ape?

No, but I've been dumped and gone ape.

So it's a "no" to humour, then.

OK. On to plan B.

Time to share.

Let me self-disclose something.

I was once very publicly dumped.

Great. I was a contestant on

Blind Date, and the pressure got to me.

I muddled up my pre-prepared answers.

And when Kerry from Blackburn asked me what I look for in a woman,

I said vindaloo because I like it hot, hot, hot.

I looked insane.

Geoff, how is this meant to help me?

Because, Josh, I know how it feels to be sad.

OK. And when I feel like that, do you know where I go?

Foxtons? I go to work.

I threw myself into something productive.

For example, are there any odd jobs that need doing around the flat?

Actually, yeah. The TV.

That stopped working. Well, that'll be the aerial.

Let's go and fix it.

Do we have to? Come on. A bit of fresh air will do you good.

And it's a two-man job.

Fine. So what was your other answer on Blind Date?

Oh, it didn't get any better.

When she asked me what I'd order in an Indian restaurant, I said,

"Santa Claus, because I go all night and always deliver."

Graham had a field day in the summing up.

Called me a pillock. Right, come on.

Let's go and see to that aerial.

OK.

I mean, look at all these pathetic people, thinking they're actors.

The sad thing is they'd probably be working in an office

if they weren't here pretending they were.

Mum, could you just stay in character, please? And what?

Sit down and complain about my divorce?

No. Stay in character. Another little snipe. What do you want?

Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker? Well, be careful what you wish for.

Mum! I'm a troublemaker.

You can't just throw things. Can't I?

What are you doing? Improvising.

They've never heard of that. They're not proper actors.

They're not proper actors.

I mean, I've watched the whole

series of Doctors, from beginning to end.

I don't recognise one face around here.

And every deadbeat actor in the world's been in Doctors.

Kick-off was at 3pm.

At 2:45, I park the coach outside Griffin Park,

and that is when Roberto Martinez turned to me and said,

"Huw, you've just saved Swansea City."

That's extraordinary. I know. I'm having a lovely time, Huw.

Aye, me too, Owen.

Right, I suppose we've got to get this parallel park out of the way.

Oh, yeah. Although we haven't discussed

your all-time Swansea 11 yet.

Oh, now we're talking. Right, well,

first name on the team sheet, obviously - Joe Allen.

Oh, the maestro. Of course I'm a bit biased,

being a fellow Carmarthen boy. I'm from Carmarthen.

I'm from Carmarthen. Where did you grow up?

Lammas Street. Really? I grew up five minutes away.

No way! Yeah.

While we've been talking, someone's parked in your spot.

Yes. Which of course means now you don't have to,

so I can tick that one off. Seriously?

Oh, thanks, Huw. All part of the service.

Hey, we must know loads of the same people, then.

Yeah. Nesta Phillips?

Of course. Why does she always smell of toast? Toast.

Do you know Greg Thomas? Oh, Roof Rack Thomas?

Just a bit, yeah. When is he going to empty his boot?

I know! Do you know Bronwen Driscoll?

Oh... Only too well. What do you mean?

Well, I spent the night with her.

Not worth it, mate. Biggest mistake of my life. She is loopy.

That juice was not worth the squeezing...

Oh, gosh, you're friends with her, aren't you?

She's my sister. Nice girl.

Yammer, yammer, yammer.

Tell him, tell him the truth.

Well, you can complain to who you want, mate,

because I know this company's going under and everyone's about to lose

their jobs.

Very good. Well done. Oh, he was absolutely furious.

This really is a phenomenally rounded experience.

Yes, very detailed, isn't it?

I mean, how are you supposed to know the difference between the audience

and the cast? Oh, you're not. It's immersive, that's the point.

You shouldn't be able to see the joins. Oh... What shall we do now?

Oh, let's go... Let's go in there.

Let's go in there. Oh, yes. Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker.

I'm doing the accent. Yes, do the accent.

I don't know if it's Scottish or Irish, but I'm doing it.

Turning our attention to the second paragraph...

I'm so sorry to interrupt,

I just want to tell you that the company is closing down and you're

all going to lose your jobs. Sorry. What is going on here?

I assure you that's not true. Yeah, well, he would say that.

Pack your things. Yeah, and phone your loved ones.

Tell them it's going to be a hard winter.

That's good.

Even I didn't believe my accent, really.

Excuse me.

I hope my.. previous behaviour

won't negatively impact on my chances of passing.

Are you referring to the fact that you shagged my sister and

then binned her off? Well, binned off is a very strong phrase.

Binned her off because she was loopy.

Loopy is also a very strong phrase.

I meant loopy in a fun, eccentric way.

Like snooker loopy.

So your saying my sister's loopy,

like she reminds you of Willie Thorne?

She gave me the Willie Thorne.

Sorry, that was misjudged.

Yes, that was. If you can't be trusted with sisters,

how can you be trusted behind the wheel?

Not only am I failing you, I'll talk to the authorities

and make sure you're banned from the road.

What? You can't do that, surely. I can do whatever I like, sunshine.

Turns out the loopy gene runs in the family.

So I hope you hadn't planned on

driving anywhere for the next 60 years.

HE LAUGHS

Look at your face, man! I was teasing you!

You're so gullible. I would never do that to a fellow Swan-man.

What, so Bronwen's not your sister?

Oh, no, she is. I just don't care who she sleeps with.

Oh. It's 2017, she's her own woman.

Give me some credit, will you? And one more thing.

You'll be needing this. You've passed.

No!

Let's get a photograph of you outside,

celebrating next to the car. Oh, great idea, yeah.

Might want to pop the handbrake on. Oh, yeah, good idea.

Here we are.

Right.

Did you just plug that back in?

Yeah. I think the wind must have unplugged it.

It's been very windy lately.

Has it? Well, we've all seen granny on the pier.

But I've never seen the wind unplug something.

Well, I have. Back in the great storm of '87

I saw the wind unplug the freezer in my garage.

I lost 300 Fabs.

Geoff, what is going on? OK.

I unplugged the TV aerial.

I needed an excuse to get you up here.

We need to tackle your problems. Right. I am going back down.

You have to do accept you're depressed. I'm not depressed.

I'm just pissed off because I've been dumped and embarrassed.

All I want to do is talk to you

about it, help you through your pain.

And write about it in my dissertation.

There is nothing to talk about. I think there is.

You've been humiliated in front of 3.8 million people.

Your career really hasn't taken off,

you've lived in the same rental flat for three years,

and your relationships keep ending.

Of course you're depressed.

Are you saying you feel sorry for me? Yes.

Oh, God, now I am depressed.

Good. This is progress. I'm quite good at this.

Right. Would you care to explain your behaviour?

Ooh, not really, but then I am Geri O'Toole, the troublemaker.

I'm sorry, do you think this is a joke?

Can I just say, I don't want to break the fifth wall or whatever,

but you almost seem like a real manager.

What are you talking about? I totally believe it.

Totally believe what? You, as this manager character.

It's very good. I am the manager. You're brilliant.

I mean, honestly, you could be in Doctors.

And can you tell whoever produces this,

this is the most fun I've ever had at a play?

This isn't a play. This is an office.

You can't break him.

No. Oh, hang on. Have a sip of this.

It's Malibu. Seriously easy-going.

No-one's looking. Right, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I don't know who you think you are.

Well, unfortunately for you, this is 2008 and we have workers' rights.

You tell him, Geri. The global financial meltdown was no fault of

the workers, it was the fault of fat cats like you.

What on earth are you talking about? We are going nowhere.

And neither are you. Lock the door, Carla.

On it.

Hi, Julie, can you call the police for me, please?

Did you hear that, the police?

I mean, the detail of it. It's incredible.

Owen James? Yes?

Could you step out the car, please? Yeah.

Handbrake. Oh, yeah.

We've had a report that you're driving without a valid license.

Oh, no.

Actually, funnily enough, I've just passed my driving test today.

I can show you.

Ta-da!

This isn't a pass certificate.

What?

You failed.

And on the back it says,

"This is what you get for shagging my sister."

When was the last time you talked to someone about your concerns?

Well, I talked to the content manager of Lad Bible

about getting the video removed.

And how did that make you feel? Frustrated - and old.

What about your deeper concerns?

He wasn't interested in my deeper concerns.

He was only interested in snackable content.

Do you know what I think would be helpful for you?

Yeah, a girlfriend and a career.

A bit of scream therapy. A bit of what?

Scream therapy.

It's when you scream the problems out of your body and let the wind

take them, like it took that granny off the pier.

Not interested. It's very cathartic.

Obviously it should be done on the top of Mount Fuji,

but I think this would work. I'm not doing that.

Watch.

HE SCREAMS

Admittedly, less cathartic when you haven't got any problems.

But you've got loads. So come on, give it a go.

No. Yes, I think you should try it.

No. I'll disconnect the TV aerial again.

Well, I'll reconnect it again.

You won't be able to because I will

have cut the plug off with my pliers.

No more Homes Under The Hammer. No more A Place In The Sun.

No more Location, Location, Location, Location, Location.

What's the worst that can happen? It might help.

I don't know.

I won't leave you alone until you've tried it.

Fine.

I wish I had a better career.

Aargh. Yeah?

Better? Can we go down now?

Move to the edge and give it some welly.

I can't afford a place of my own and it's annoying.

Better.

That did feel quite good, actually.

What did I tell you? My landlord won't leave me alone!

Not so good, that one.

I've been humiliated on the internet!

Yes, Josh. My love life's a mess!

I was dumped by a girl I really liked!

I find London life really stressful!

I haven't written any good jokes in months!

Police? Yeah, I think my ex-boyfriend is about

to jump off a building.

Do you know what? I do actually feel a bit better.

See? What did I tell you?

Good things happen when you trust in Geoff.

Look, if you could just write down there's been a misunderstanding.

There seems to be a slight misunderstanding.

This has just been a huge misunderstanding.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Joshie!

Little man. Who was filming him?

If you start yelling on a roof people get their cameras out.

You freaking out on top of things is viral gold.

It's just funny.

It is funny.