Original subtitles

FOOTBALL SOUNDS ON TV Inside. Come on, yes.

Through. Come on!

Yeah!

Now, why would I do a chip-through ball

when one-on-one with the keeper?

Oh, shut up, Stu, I can hear you laughing.

Come on, tackle him...

No, get to him, get to him!

No... No!

No!

Oh, come on, mate, don't watch while I play. Sorry.

I wasn't talking to you.

It's my friend, who I'm playing.

Is he shy?

No. No, he isn't here.

We're playing online.

It's the annual Sociology Cup of Nations.

Played every year since university.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Yes, well done, Stu.

Which team are you?

Joshenham Hotspur.

HE CHUCKLES

Joshenham Hotspur!

That sounds like Tottenham, but with Josh...

Oh, that's delightful.

Thank you.

You know, I think that's the first time you've actually made me laugh.

I know you say you're a comedian,

HE LAUGHS

Like Tottenham, but with Josh. Yes!

That is good.

HE CHUCKLES

Er, excuse me?

What the hell are you doing? I'm just eating some ham.

You can't just help yourself to our ham.

Susan!

Susan!

Just coming! Yes, Brian?

What the hell is going on? Hello, Owen. This is Brian.

He's going to be doing a few shifts here. 44

Well, it was just yoga until Susan turned up.

SHE LAUGHS You'll make me blush!

Anyway, we got talking

and I mentioned that we could do with an extra pair of hands.

And I said, "That's considered cheating in yoga."

Obviously, we just laughed and laughed!

Yeah, we did laugh.

Well, it was hard not to.

Anyway, er, nice to meet you, Brian.

I've got a bit of paperwork to do, so can you show Brian the ropes?

Of course.

No, you're all right.

Oh... OK.

You're sure you don't mind me having a go?

Honestly, it'll be so good to get my confidence up.

Well, this is what it's all about, isn't it?

Two best friends, hanging out, computer gaming.

So I'll just let you get the hang of the controls first.

What was that?

Have you played before? Why, am I good at this?

Can you stop doing keepie uppies?

Yes, goal!

How did that happen?

Geoff-field Wednesday!

Did you see I called it Geoff-field Wednesday? I got it.

It's like Sheffield Wednesday, but I put Geoff instead.

No, I understand the joke. Geoff-field Wednesday.

Are you some kind of Fifa savant?

No! No, I'm not.

Savants tend to lack social skills.

Well, you must have played before, then, mustn't you?

Not this.

Although, back in the '90s,I did get into Kick Off 2.

I actually played in the British Championships.

Or the Kickies, as they were known.

Oh, great days.

Great women.

The hickies I got at the Kickies...

Geoff, don't run your keeper out with the ball, that's a dick's move.

No, I said don't run your keeper out with the ball.

No way! 2-0.

God, this is pointless. You're better than Stu!

Actually, you're better than Stu.

Geoff, how would you feel about

taking temporary chargeof Joshenham Hotspur?

I'd be honoured.

And my first decision, as caretaker manager,

to ban you from ever playing again.

You're the boss.

But, I mean, the thing about photography is,

you know, it's more difficult than you think.

It's not just about pointing the camera in the right direction,

otherwise anyone could turn professional.

And they can't.

For instance, I haven't.

Yeah, well, I'm jealous of anyone who can take good photos. 103

I love the zoo. Yeah?

I'm just one of those people who loves animals.

Or does that mean I wouldn't like the zoo?

Well, yeah, but the main thing for me about the zoo

is it's a great place for parents to take their kids.

Oh, yeah, that is the one drawback.

Kate, what I'm trying to tell you is I have a daughter.

Which is great.

Are you sure? Because I totally understand if it's an issue. 113

Great.

Yeah, really, really, really great.

Yeah.

Oh, the old daughter.

How old is the old daughter?

Your daughter, how old is your daughter?

Lola is ten.

Oh, Lola...

That's such a beautiful name. Thank you.

Her name was Lola

She was a showgirl

With yellow feathers in her hair

And a dress cut down to...

Shall we get another drink?

Right...

Here we go. Thank you.

Brian is the laziest man of all time.

He couldn't get the Panini maker to work the other day,

so he warms up a Panini in the oven

and then just flattened it under a copy of Cloud Atlas.

How did things go with Chris? Oh, amazing.

He's handsome, funny...

What's the third thing?

Oh, yeah, he has a child. Why didn't you tell me that? 139

Well, it's not an issue.

Well, it's a very small issue. But it's not a big issue.

It's not a big issue at all.

I mean, if it was a problem,

I wouldn't buy it off a homeless person.

Because it's not a Big Issue. Right. OK.

Well, you seem very chilled about it.

I am super chilled about it.

In fact, I am so chilled I'm actually meeting Lola next week.

That's a bit quick, isn't it? Calm down, Angelina Jolie. 150

Oh, all right. Oh, I get it.

So it's such an issue you've ended up massively overcompensating.

Well, maybe. But I'll have you know, I'm actually very good with kids.

Oh, come on, Kate. You pushed a child out of the way at Crufts.

He cut in front of me in the queue to meet Pudsey.

And I didn't push him.

I just gently rolled his chair out of the way.

Oh!

I think you'll find, Stu, that is three games all. 160

How did I do all those rabonas?

You press R2 and double tap the analogue stick.

I simply pressed R2 and double tapped the analogue stick.

I'll tell you what, Stu, I'll let you practice them

in readiness for the decider.

See you later, mate.

Oh, my God, I can't wait for tomorrow.

I feel like my whole life has been leading to this point.

He has never thought I could be good at anything.

Well, you're not.

The point is, I am going to be going home with a sweet ?100 prize kitty.

Sorry, do you mean there's money riding on this?

Josh, you know my views on gambling.

Oh, no, no, this isn't gambling.

This is a prize pot.

I'm sorry, I can't have any more to do with this.

I refuse to cheat strangers out of their money.

You've raised our rent twice in the last year.

You're not strangers.

5:30. I'm off.

But we've still got to wash upand clean all the tables.

Yeah, I can't. I really need to get home.

It's 30 minutes till Eggheads. What?

The prize pot's up to ?12,000, the Eggheads are due a defeat,

I don't want to risk missing it

because I really, really, really hate them.

Oh, OK...

Now what are you doing?

Just taking my half of the tips.

But you didn't earn any.

The only customer you spoke to all day was Julie,

who you really offended. She looked like Ronnie Wood. 194

You made her play air guitar.

I always say, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.

Oh, do you? Because when I asked you to clean the loo,

you said you'd already done it

by aiming your stream of urine at the offending areas.

It's the most hygienic way.

That way, I don't have to touch the toilet.

There is no change for this, so I'll have to owe you.

The thing is, you don't have to knowwhat all the buttons do.

I mean, I don't. Well, thank you, Kate.

We've had a really good day, haven't we? Mm-hm.

Oh, same. PHONE JINGLE

I'm so sorry, can I take this? Yeah, we'll be fine.

Can I take a look?

Oh, that one's great!

You could put that in the photography competition.

No.

This is my favourite.

Ah, yeah, that is good. But do you remember...

..I took that one?

Remember?

and I framed it up with that crisp packet I put on the floor.

Remember, I explained I was making an important point about littering?

Could we say I took it?

Well...

It could win.

Well, I mean, it would definitely win. But that would be lying.

But it's a brilliant photo. People should see it.

Oh, well, that is...

..a fair point.

I suppose you were there, so, in a way, it is our photo.

Maybe this could just beour little secret,

just between you, me and your dad. Thank you, Kate.

Right. Sorry about that.

How are we doing?

Wow, that's a great photo!

Did you take that one, Lola? Yeah.

Lola? OK...

It was Kate's crisp packet.

Kate, I do think you should be littering in front to my daughter.

That's the point I was making with the photo.

Who's a clever girl? Isn't she amazing?

Yeah...

Good to see you, Brian,but you are 40 minutes late.

I had a terrible night. Oh, right.

Oh, sorry. Erm, what happened?

The Eggheads won again.

And?

That's it.

Well, er, in better news, Brian,

to welcome you into the team, I've got you a little present.

Look, it's your very own tips jar.

No, I don't want that.

Well, you're having it,

because I didn't finish and wash out a jar

of my flatmate's piccalilli for nothing.

I'm happy with the current system.

From now on, it's all change. And, yes, that pun was intentional.

I actually practised it on my way in,

when I arrived on time 40 minutes ago.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

DOORBELL CHIMES

Geoff! I came over as quickly as I could.

Let's have a look at that wonky ballcock. Er, about that...

Some people might laugh at the concept of a wonky ballcock,

but I happen to know it's one ofthe most devastating things

that can happen to a toilet. Geoff, I've fixed it.

Oh, right... But since you're here,

can I have a quick word with you about something? How did you fix it?

With just the right amount of patience and care.

Ah, OK.

Now, I'm not sure if I was clear yesterday...

Actually, that is ridiculously vague.

Did you reconnect the flapper valve? Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

It's flapping away nicely.It's not supposed to flap.

Geoff, the ballcock is fine. It wasn't broken.

I just need your help with Fifa.

You used the flat against me?

My Achilles heel?

Only because I really, really want to beat Stu.

Now, I know it shouldn't matter,

but he has bullied me for years about being shit at stuff.

And now, finally, I'm not the worst at something.

Well, I am the worst at it, but he doesn't know that.

Please, tomorrow night, just one more game. 282

Absolutely not.

Geoff...

Isn't this what friends do for each other?

You consider me a friend?

Yes.

A best friend?

Very much so.

Then that is why I'll always have your back.

Great, we'll split the money 50-50.

80-20, in my favour.

See you at kick-off!

I said I'm not made of scone but I will be if I keep eating them.

SHE GIGGLES

Thanks. No problem.

What happened there?

Er, Brian, what's Crabble's disease?

Oh, don't you know? No.

It's a very, very bad disease. Oh, yeah? What are the symptoms?

Well, the main one is... death.

Right. And before that?

An impending fear of death.

Brian, I've never heard anyone mention Crabble's disease.

Losing your voice, that's another symptom.

Oh, Brian, you can't just relabel your tips jar

with some made-up charity.

How dare you suggest that?

For instance, my great-granddad is now dead.

And prior to that, he had an impending fear of it.

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

I think Brian is comfortably the weirdest man I have ever met.

I'm quite a chilled-out guy, but he is pushing me close to my limits.

Why don't you just tell Susan?

Because Susan's totally infatuated with him,

despite the fact that he eats mayonnaise straight from the jar.

Who does that?

Erm, Kate ate it.

What was that?

Nothing. Erm, how was the mother-and-daughter bonding session?

It turns out Lola is a top-level fraudster.

She wants to enter one of my photos into the competition

and pretend it's hers.

She's like Milli Vanilli, but female.

And in primary school.

And there's only one of her.

Parents do that sort of thing all the time, don't they?

Do you really think I had the bestjoined-up writing in West Wales

for the under tens? No. But my dad did.

The man's hand flows like a river.

It's not about the competition. It's about Chris.

She's told him that she took the photo

and now he is doting over her saying she is the next Annie Leibovitz.

I took the photo. If anyone's the next Annie Leibovitz,

I'm the next Annie Leibovitz. Can you stop saying Annie Leibovitz?

Who's Annie Leibovitz? You're looking at her, mate. 340

I know it's a tough ask, but out of the two of you,

try and be the least childish.

Well, she started it!

Sorry, Kate, are you jealous of a nine-year-old

because her dad's proud of her?

No.

She's ten.

HE SIGHS

Brian, are you going to help me set up?

I've told you, I'll help when I've finished the arrow word.

Morning, Owen. Morning.

Good morning, Brian.Morning, Susan.

You look like Marilyn Monroe today.

Do I?

Yes.

Er, Susan, can I have a word, please?

Of course, Owen.

Is this about the tips? Er, well, yeah. Right.

I've spoken to Brian and he says that you're worried

that his charity work's impacting on your tips.

Oh, wait, no, no, that's not what's happening at all. The problem is...

Oh, that's such a relief.

Because what he's doing is inspirational. 364

called the Crabble Bucket Challenge.

What's that? It's what it sounds like.

Celebrities tip buckets of crabs over their heads.

Susan, have you ever heard of anyone with Crabble's?

Yes. Oh...

Well, Brian's great-grandfather passed away from it.

Yeah, his death still deeply affects me.

Do you still want me to make you a cake for the memorial service?

I'm not made of scone, but I will beif I keep eating them.

Oh, Brian...!

I really admire your ability to laugh through the pain.

Oh...

In fact, we were just discussing your charity work.

Oh, I'm taking the money to the hospice this evening.

I'm missing Eggheads, but some things are more important.

Oh, you are a good man, Brian.

You know, only last month,

he ran a marathon for the children of Momutu.

I've never heard of Momutu.

That's why I'm running - to raise awareness. 385

Can you believe she won? Well, it is the best photograph.

You are such a talented girl.

For her age group.

For any age group, I'd say, Lola.

Oh, Miss Williams, hello. How lovely to see you. You, too.

Congratulations, Lola. Thanks, Miss Williams.

It was a fantastic photo. It is, isn't it?

Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Ruth. Lola's very proud teacher.

I'm Kate.Lola's very influential mentor.

It was her crisp packet in the picture.

Oh, right...

I picked it up afterwards.

Kate is a photographer and she's been passing on her wisdom to Lola.

Well, Lola, when you grow up, maybe you'll be a photographer like Kate.

Yes. But I want to be a professional.

Oh, I'm sure you will be.

I could pay you to set up my equipment, Kate.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Lola. But, erm... by the time you grow up,

the digital revolutionundefined

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