Original subtitles

You shouldn't be storing your stuff in our flat.

Well, why would I want it cluttering up my place?

I mean, it's rubbish!

Oh, look at this.

My old axe.

What?

Surely I told you about when I played lead melodica

for a synth-pop band in my youth? Oh, yeah.

We did a haunting cover of Crocodile Rock.

That's Ski Sunday.

Yeah, well, it's a beguiling instrument, the melodica.

It's easy to get confused.

It can't be, can it? Is it?I haven't seen this for some time.

They don't make games like this any more.

Hungry, Hungry Landlords?

All the rush of being a landlord but in the comfort of your own home.

Thrilling. A game of deceit, duplicity and double-dealing.

Do you fancy playing? Er, no.

Yeah, I forgot. You can't handle losing.

Well, I wouldn't lose. Yes, you would.

I've played this game over 300 times and I have won every single time.

Oh, OK, I see. Well, in that case,

A bit strong. Sorry.

Anyway, we'll play tomorrow but before I go,

how about some Bananarama?

HE PLAYS

That's still Ski Sunday.

Yeah, well, please yourself.

You must have some work for me, Rick, I'm skint.

There's no need to panic. Things can change in an instant.

Look at Max Thompson. He was going nowhere, like you,

and then he got the job hosting Stop The Press. 34

Well, they are looking for new guests at the moment...

Oh, if you could put me forward, that would be great.

I don't know if I could do that. You don't really have the profile.

How do I get the profile? Well, you really need to appear on some shows.

How do I get on the shows? Well, you need the profile.

So, I can't get on the shows without the profile but I need the shows

to get me the profile that'll get me on the show

that'll give me the profile?Yes, it's really that simple.

Leave it with me.

TV: Good evening! I'm Max Thompson and welcome to Stop The Press,

the topical news show that puts the Ebola into viral news.

LAUGHTER

The worst thing about Max,

every time he does one of his smug little jokes,

you can see his smug little lips

twitching with his smug little smile.

Sure you don't want to come to the pub?

No, I haven't got any money. Oh, you're going to miss out 53

We're trying to keep things private early on.

What is wrong with her? She got three of something?

What, like Total Recall? No, she's got two of everything.

Well, not everything, that would be horrible.

MOBILE BUZZES

Hey, Rick!

Josh, how would you feel about supporting a big act on the road?

Yeah, I'd love that.

Great, because we've just added some new dates to Max Thompson's tour. 63

Well, I think you'd complement each other.

No, his latest Facebook status was

"banging all the time and it isn't complicated".

If it goes well, he can put in a good word for you

at Stop The Press HQ.

No, I'm not sure.

You've got to play the game.

I don't know...

I'll take that as a yes. The first gig is tomorrow.

It's in Newcastle. I'll send you his address.

Pick up the hire car at 8am, be there no later than 9, 75

HE SIGHS

Turns out that Rick Stein has now tasted every type of fish.

I saw the episode where he tried the last one, and as it happened,

he just became gripped by this crushing sense of ennui,

because it turns out it's not about the destination,

it's about the journey.

Is that it? Yeah, that's a good anecdote, Kate.

God, don't look now, you'll not believe who's just walked in here.

Who? Diana Vickers.

Keep cool. She's going to walk right past us.

I wonder what she smells like?

Hey! Hey.

Kate, this is Diana. Diana, this is Kate.

I... Uh...

Lovely to meet you. I'm just going to grab a drink.

Do you guys want anything? No, we're fine, thanks.

Do you know Diana Vickers?

I've never seen her before in my life. Seriously?

No, of course I know Diana Vickers.

Whoa! Let's keep that down.

How, how, how has this happened?

Well, we met through a mutual friend at a birthday.

We got on. You don't need me to explain how relationships work.

Actually, maybe you do.

She should be going out with...

Who? One of Westlife.

Great example.

Do you know the best thing about believing in yourself?

Having that belief confirmed by the general public. 107

the sort of person that comes up to you and says,

"Aren't you Max from Stop The Press?

"I love you and I love Stop The Press."

Well, you deserve it. It's a really great show.

Well done. Well done, you, on being my tour support.

It's a great opportunity for someone at your level.

You must be delighted. Oh, yeah, really pleased, yeah.

Yeah, I bet. Yeah.

I remember when I wasnew to the scene, like you,

I got to do some tour support. I'm not actually that new.

No, but you'll seem like it to the audience.

Of course, I was soon dropped from tour support

after I started doing better than the headliner.

Make sure you don't do that, mate! I'll try not to!

I was joking. Right. Let's be realistic here.

This is like Scooch warming up for the Killers.

Yeah. I might just pop the radio on, actually. 125

Have a good gig tonight. Keep improving throughout the tour,

and who knows, maybe one day, you'll be in my shoes.

Which, I'm sure you have clocked, are handmade Italian leather.

Actually, I think I will just pop the radio on.

Coming up next on the show, we've got Max Thompson,

who's got a gig in Newcastle tonight.

Look who it is! Turn it up. Oh, great!

ON RADIO: It's doors at 7:30 but I won't be on till 8, 134

TV: Over 100 years old.

You're about right, and you can tell that

just by looking at the decoration on the outside.

Wherever you look, look at all the chasing on the... Diana?

Yeah? Do you still speak to Simon Cowell?

Not really, no. Oh, interesting.

So, what was he like, the man behind the mask?

I'm sure Diana doesn't want to talk about Simon Cowell, OK? 143

So, Diana, what was it like performing in

The Rise And Fall Of Little Voice in the West End?

Yeah, it was great. I always wanted to do a West End show.

Oh, yeah, me too. Yeah.

Is Lesley Sharp as delightful as everyone says?

Can't we all just watch telly? Oh, of course.

Sorry, just briefly, while the adverts are on, can I just ask,

is it true you're in the mix for Strictly?

Maybe, but if I told you, I'd have to kill you. 153

MOBILE RINGS Oh.

Oh, my God, it's Tess Daly!

Really? No. Oh...

You! It's Claudia Winkleman.

Is it? No. Oh! SHE LAUGHS

Do you mind chilling out?

I can't believe you might end up dating someone on Strictly.

You'll be in the audience cutaways.

Oh, my God, you have to get us tickets. This is so exciting! 163

Imagine if you become a victim of the curse of Strictly.

What's that? The curse of Strictly.

When celebs go on Strictly and end up going off

with their dance partners. It's a thing. How is that a thing?

They spend weeks pressed up against each other

trying to create chemistry.

Also, those dancers are muscle-bound perfection.

Oh, but not to worry, I mean,

you're perfection as well, in your own way. 173

I won't judge you if you want to drop out

to avoid the humiliation of defeat.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I understand the property market better than...

Dion Dublin? Who's that?

Former Coventry and Aston Villa striker,

went on to present Homes Under The Hammer,

previously invented his own drum called the Dube?

No?

Shall we start? Of course.

Now, remember, if you rolla double with your first throw,

it highlights issues with your property

and you must pay 0.2% of the property value at time of purchase,

plus the value of the dice, times 500.

Yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot.

Four!

Stamp duty hike. Lose 50 grand.

What?! This game's even better than I remembered.

Kate, I've looked into the curse of Strictly and you're right.

It actually is a thing. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. 194

But the dancers aren't dancing because they're hammered.

The dancers are dancing because they actually like dancing.

Sorry, but what are we talking about?

He's worried about his relationship with Diana.

The People's Princess? No, Diana Vickers.

That's who I meant, the People's Princess.

I had no idea that dancing could be so... sexualised.

To most people, it is just dancing.

or Rachel Riley and what was his name?

Pasha. Yeah, he did more than that.

Did you know that Flavia Cacace dated two of her dance partners

and is now married to Jimi Mistry, who she also met on the show?

Owen, don't panic. Diana really likes you.

You've got a good relationship. You know, you're equals.

Equals? She's a proper celebrity and I work in a baguette shop.

Also, the first timeshe met one of my friends,

they interviewed her like she was on T4.

Who did that? Come on.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

So, do you want to talk about how your set went last night

or is it too raw?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Do you think it was your material or your performance?

I don't know. Bit of both, maybe? Maybe. Yeah.

Because, if you don't mind me saying, performance-wise,

you've got this odd tic thatyou really need to deal with.

It's the sound of you trying to re-moisten your dry mouth.

That really echoed through the room.

You could really hear it during the silences.

So, you heard it a lot.

Right, I'll try and deal with that tonight.

It's kind of... HE MOISTENS

And you can understand that's not great for an audience, right?

Yeah. HE MOISTENS

I just feel sorry for the audience, basically.

They got a baby-sitter, they paida lot of money for a night out

and all they're getting is the sound of a camel eating a Wham bar!

MOBILE RINGS Oh.

Rickster! How's it going, mate?

Yeah, no, smashed it, didn't I? You know me.

Yeah, no, he did fine.

Yeah, no, you could really hear it during the silences.

Yeah, that is exactly what it sounded like!

Nah.

No, well, yeah, there was a lot of complaints.

Leasehold windfall, ?100,000 to me.

Another glorious dayin the housing empire.

I love this game.

It's like reality except I don't have to deal with my awful tenants.

I'm sat right here.

Now to put all this lovely money

into my low-tax, high-yield Jersey bank account.

Obviously, in reality, I wouldn't do that,

but this game allows me to express my dark side.

Right. One, two, three, four, five, six.

"Chancellor delivers the Budget." Ah, it's that time of year again.

Take an economic forecast card.Should be more good news for me.

Only one of those little monkeys I need to worry about.

"Loophole closed on Channel Island tax havens.

"All assets seized from investors

"involved in Jersey-based banking scam."

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, it's all going in the middle, aww!

And your properties, come on, everything in.

Oh, God, just don't roll a three now,

otherwise it'll be completely ruined!

Don't panic, Geoff. You've done it before. 263

HE GASPS Yeah!

So, Kate's been talking to me about Strictly.

I really don't think they'd take her!

I'm starting to think it's not actually that great a show to do.

Really? Yeah, because dancing's very bad for the spine.

Apparently, Ed Balls has got such a bad back now

that he's got to sleep in one of those vibrating chairs -

you know, like they have in service stations? 272

because she hasn't been spooned in months.

She's a very cuddly person.

No, it's a huge show. I'm sure it's completely safe.

2005 winner Darren Gough, he can only bowl underarm now.

That's how mangled his body became from dancing.

Do you think I'll lose my place in the Ashes tour?

Yeah, you may joke,

but it's not just going to impact on your cricket.

It's going to impact on your time.

Because you'll lose daysto training,

Saturday nights to the show, Sunday nights to the results show,

and that's before you consider appearances

on Strictly: It Takes Two, The One Show, BBC Breakfast...

Then there's the tour.

Can you live with that kind of carbon footprint?

Owen, you aren't exactly being very supportive.

Oh, I am! Well, it doesn't feel like it.

No, I'm being totally supportive.

It's just, you know, I want you to be aware of the very tangible risks. 292

Unequivocally, yes. Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Great. And if you get it, which fingers crossed you will... Mm-hm?

..can I come to all of your rehearsals?

I just don't get why you're a vegetarian.

I mean, I can see what's in it for the animals

but what's in it for you? Tofu?

Asthma, dry mouth, vegetarian.

Is there anything you haven't got?

Vegetarian isn't an illness.

Shall we go? Because I need to get back before it's too late.

Well, yeah, I just want to find this interview I did.

According to Rick, I was hilarious.

Not me, not me, not me...

She tried to pull me.

She did pull me.

HE CHUCKLES Not me.

Yay! Here we go. Look who it is, muggins!

Double-page spread.

Question, who would be your dream dinner party guests? 313

The interviewer absolutely loved that.

Great, shall we get going,

because I do need to drop the hire car off once I've taken you home?

You've got to get a photo of me with this.

Get your phone out. Really? Come on!

Oh, you've still got an iPhone 5?

That takes me back!

Use mine. It's the new one, sharpest camera.

Got it for free, obviously.

Did a corporate forCarphone Warehouse. Smashed it!

Wait, hang on, wait. Is that all right?

Yeah.

There you go. Yay!

No, Josh, you've got to touch the screen to focus.

Do it again. Do we have to do this?

Stop moaning! Let's make the most of this photo op.

It's not a photo op.

It's just yet another picture of your face.

Touchy. Well, don't worry, mate.

I think I saw your face in here as well.

It was an advert that said"You have a erectile dysfunction."

Oh, shut up!

Do I detect a little pang of jealousy?

Mate, I'm not jealous of you.

Oh, I see now. Of course you are.

It makes sense because I'm the host of Stop The Press

and you're my driver. I don't care!

Yes, you do, mate. Course you care.

It's the only reason you're doing this,

hoping that my stardust rubs off on you.

Actually, Max, I watched an episode of Stop The Press this week

and I thought it was quite shit.

I wouldn't want to do that show because I have standards.

Oh, and another thing,

I don't want a pair of Italian leather shoes because

the last time I checked, I wasn't Paul Hollywood.

Now, did you catch all that or was my mouth too dry for you?

600, 700, 800, 900...

That is ?30 million!

Geoff.

Geoff?

What am I doing with my life?

I'm a landlord who can't even beat his own tenant at being a landlord.

Well, after 300 victories,you were due a defeat.

Come on, Kate.

The reason I won 300 in a row

is because I was playing against myself.

That's how tragic I am. Ah.

I haven't felt despair like this since I was thrown out of the band.

There's no pain like the day

you're told to pack up your melodica and never return.

Well, we've all been in a band.

Where are they now?

Well, the Kemp brothers went into acting

and Tony Hadley lives in a big house in Buckinghamshire. 370

The band I was in went on to become Spandau Ballet.

I can't listen to True without breaking down.

I had to leave my own brother's wedding during the first dance.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

You've destroyed me.

First Tony Hadley and now you! HE SOBS

Oh. Oh!

Oh, look, Geoff, it doesn't matter. Look, look.

The game's still happening, look.

No, it's not! HE SOBS

OK, OK, look. What's this,what's this? Triple or quits.

"You've been offered the chance to invest in

"a high-risk property opportunity.

"Roll a six to triple your money, one to five to lose it all."

Well, obviously you're not going to want to do that.

That's for people like me, the no-hopers!

You're just going to sit on your wealth.

Do you know what? I've always been a risk-taker, so why not?

All in.

Oh, no.

I am so unlucky!

HE SOBS

Please don't cry!

Yeah, it's amazing. So, Rick Stein's now tried every kind of fish.

I saw the episode where he tried the last one.

He's finished fish.

You OK?

No, I've just... I had an e-mail from my agent.

Strictly isn't happening.

Yes!

Gutted.

Gutted. Sorry, are you pleased?

No. What makes you say that?

You just fist-pumped. No,I was fist-pumping in anger.

You know, bloody producers!

Suits at the BBC.

You're delighted. No.

Yeah, you are. Look at you. Don't lie to me.

OK, I was a little bit worried about the curse of Strictly, that's all.

What? I didn't want you to become the next Ali Bastian.

And the 40 thieves? No, Ali Bastian,

the Hollyoaks star who got together with Brian Fortuna

during Strictly 2009.

You're worried I would gettogether with some dancer?

Yeah, that's the one. You kidding me? I'm going out with you.

Exactly, that's how it works, isn't it?

It wouldn't be the curse of Strictly

if it was just single people getting together.

It's not the blessing of Strictly. Owen, we're meant to be a couple.

Yeah, we are, you know, until you end up pushed up

against some muscle-bound Russian for nine weeks.

And I can't control myself because I'm driven only by lust?

OK, right, I seewhat's happening here.

I can't believe this. You said you would support me.

Well, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yeah...

Listen, I think it's probably for the best

if we just forget the whole thing.

Yeah, you're right. See ya.

Oh, do you want me to walk you home?

What, in case I run into Ashley Banjo and I can't resist him?

No, but...

Are you breaking up with me? Diana?

Oh.

Curse of Strictly strikes again.

I think I went too far.

I think I'm just upset because of how the gig went last night.

It's too late, mate. You've said it now.

You clearly think the show's shit.

It's just not my cup of tea.

Everyone in comedy probably thinks it's shit.

All of you mugging me off behind my back.

MOBILE RINGS

It's Rick.

Hiya.

Yeah, he's driving. That's probably why he didn't pick up.

I'll put you on speakerphone.

Just wanted to let you know that I've heard back

from the producers of Stop The Press.

Great. Can I call you about this in a bit?

No, don't worry. It's good news.

I told them how you're supporting Max and how much you love the show

and apparently, you're in with a good chance of doing it.

Yeah, Rick, I don't like to talk while I'm driving,

so can I call you later, please?

No, they're getting back to me in ten minutes or so, 459

Hello, Josh? Erm...

What was that? Could you speak up?

I'm afraid it's not really for me, Rick.

Sorry, lost you there.

I'm guessing that was a yes. No, it was a no.

Why would it be a no?

Because I'm happy with what I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I want to focus on my stand-up.

Well, why did you bash me to get you on the show?

600, 700, 800, 900, and I'm out.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

That is the best comeback since, "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"

Which is a comeback that works every time.

I've used it three times on my nephew

and it never fails to deliver tears.

Heart-warming. Yeah. Just a quick one before I go -

where do you think you went wrong today?

Well, I risked it all on the roll of the dice.

No, your mistake wasyou let emotion creep into it.

Sorry?

I told you, it's a game of deceit, duplicity and double-dealing.

I was in a corner, didn't know where to go.

I was thinking, "What shall I do?" So, I turned on the waterworks.

No! Yeah.

I made you think I was feeling sad and you bought it.

"Oh, boo-hoo, I played a board game on my own 300 times!"

Not true! I played my mother.

What about you getting kicked out of Spandau Ballet?

Of course I wasn'tin Spandau Ballet!

I think the New Romantics are a bunch of peacocking fancy boys.

Do I look like a peacocking fancy boy?

Do I, Kate?

I was just trying to be nice. And I took full advantage of it.

Do you know what? My mother once said to me, she said,

"The world is full of fake people. Be careful who you trust."

And do you know what I said to her? What?

I said, "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"

Admittedly, it didn't make as muchsense on that occasion, but...

Right. Losers pack up.

You're the strangest client I've ever had.

I don't know what you want from me.

You moan about not getting TV work and then,

when it finally comes along, you reject it.

I think the stress of being on the road just got to me.

You only did one gig! It went really badly.

Actually, on that, now that I've been dropped from the tour,

I do have more time if there's any other TV work.

You want me to put you upfor more work

after the damage you've done to my reputation? If possible. No!

Right.

So, you haven't got anything for me?

Oh, actually, there is one thing.

Great! This.

Might help with the whole dry mouth situation.

MUSIC: True by Spandau Ballet

f I know this much is true... f

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0