Original subtitles

Police Commissioner Braithwaite,

what information can you give us? I've no comment.

Sir Charles, is the same gang that

pulled off the Great Train Robbery involved?

I'm afraid that's confidential.

Sir Charles, could you tell us what came of your meeting

with the Prime Minister this morning?

All I can say at this time is that

we are bringing in someone to take command of the entire investigation.

An outsider?

Well, uh, yes.

Isn't that rather a slap in the face for Scotland Yard?

In an emergency of this magnitude,

one must overlook such minor considerations

as to whose nose is out of joint, mustn't one?

Even if it is one's own nose?

I don't think that calls for any comment. Are you likely to...

When do you expect this man to arrive, Sir Charles?

On flight number 3R-523...

Inspector Clouseau? Shh!

I'm Weaver, your opposite number.

Oh, that's Shockley. He's Special Branch.

Hello, sir. I'm delighted... Keep your voice down.

You know I'm here on a secret mission.

Uh, yes. Well, if you'd like to come along, we have a car waiting.

But I've not yet cleared customs.

Oh, that's all been arranged, sir.

Standard VIP treatment, you see.

Ah, but I'm no vip,

and therefore, I must go through customs

like any humble French tourist.

Honestly, sir, I assure you...

That is my cover, you fool.

Have you anything to declare?

No, no. I'm just you average, typical French tourist

on a humble English vacation.

Good. Can I see your passport

and your debarking ticket?

Yes, of course.

I have it right here. I never travel without...

Come along now, sir.

But you have not yet seen my passport!

I--I have this...

Hey, look at this!

Don't--Don't grab me by the right arm like that!

At the outset, Clouseau,

I think it only fair to...

I think it only fair to say that your being brought in on this case

was not my idea.

You are too modest.

The Prime Minister insisted.

Personally, as head of the British law-enforcing establishment,

I can only regard your presence here

as a vote of no confidence.

And I, on the other hand, am extremely confident.

Not overconfident, I trust.

No, no, no.

Not, uh, not overconfident.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

We know that the 2.5 million pounds stolen...

stolen in our Great Train Robbery

are being used as operating capital

for a far more ambitious crime.

Bigger than 2.5 million?

Well, we seem to be dealing with very greedy people.

Greedy and ruthless.

You are the fourth to be placed in charge of this operation

in the past six months.

Well, it seems that Scotland Yard has had a run of unfortunate luck,

but... Despite our unfortunate luck,

we have managed to apprehend a dozen of the gang,

including three of their top men.

I'll show you.

You may well be acquainted with some of them.

As you know, only yesterday

two of these men escaped from prison.

One of them was Frenchy Lebec.

It's a familiar face.

The other was Steve Frey.

And the one still remaining in custody is Addison Steele.

Perhaps I should question that pleasant-looking Mr. Steele.

Don't be fooled by his looks.

He can spot a detective a mile away.

But then, you don't look much like a detective, do you?

I try not to.

Good.

I don't have to tell you that in our line of work

anonymity is a virtue.

Any fool knows that.

Anonymity is next to cleanliness

and I don't have to tell you what that's next to.

No, but I have to tell you that we have recently discovered

a security leak in this very department.

In this very department?

That is why you are here.

The thought was,

since you couldn't be the traitor, we can trust you.

But you...

But you must trust no one.

The viper in our bosom could be anyone.

Anyone. I suspect everyone.

Good. You will report only to me.

And what makes you think I trust you?

Be right with you.

Don't rush.

Don't worry. I never do.

There.

Now,

like I said, if you just comb it out every morning,

you'll keep the line and still have plenty of movement

round the face, you see what I... Hmm.

I said I'll be right with you.

And I said, "Don't rush."

And I said, "Don't worry. I never do."

Oh, that's excellent, Steele.

Excellent, I like that very much.

You know, you missed your vocation.

Oh, glad you like it.

You do a marvelous job.

You call that a prison haircut?

Special privileges.

You might say the, um, warden and I are as thick as thieves.

And this favoritism, how long has it been going on?

For 23 years.

You must have murdered your pediatrician.

Oh, they would never have caught me

but for my fingerprints on the water pistol.

I shall let that pass

since you cannot possibly know

whose leg it is that you are pushing.

Do look after him, won't you, Steele, old dear?

I doubt if your razor's sharp enough

for the famous Inspector Clouseau.

Smart young criminal.

He's the warden's son. Quite a joker.

The warden's son, eh?

He should have known better than to reveal my identity

to a hardened criminal like you.

We hardened criminals follow your career with great interest, Inspector.

Oh, ho, ho. As I yours.

Sit down, I'll give you a shave.

And now, since we are becoming so chummy,

perhaps you will tell me everything you know about the Great Train Robbery, eh?

I don't know nothing.

He who don't know nothing

knows something, eh?

Perhaps even how to mastermind a robbery, eh?

Well, if you want to know about the mastermind, don't talk to me.

Talk to Johnny Rainbow.

And, uh, who is this Johnny Rainbow?

Well, it's just a code name really.

None of us ever met him face-to-face.

Now, uh,

this is going to be a little bit hot.

I don't mind. In the words of Robespierre...

Just take a few deep breaths. That's it.

Breathe in very deeply.

A bit more.

That's right. There you go.

Well, I think you'll be pleased with these items that you requested.

Our chaps took some liberties with your specifications

that I think will delight you.

Ah, the smoke-signal matches that you asked for.

Oh, yes, wonderful thing to have them.

Now, this you must watch very carefully.

Looks like an ordinary cigarette lighter

but it is, in fact, a high-intensity laser-beam transmitter.

Ingenious.

Oh, yes. Just what the doctor ordered. There.

My, my.

And what kind of a thing is this?

That's my razor.

Normal cigarette case.

Here we have a high-frequency transmitter

with built-in ADC.

On the other side, an enclosed microphone and speaker.

Wonderful thing.

With a self-starting tape recorder.

Say something. Uh?

Just say something.

What? Anything you like.

No, I... No, no, I have a phobia for recording devices.

No, no, please. I just want to test...

I really don't like to use them.

Why? I mean, I'm only just trying to show you the machine, that's all.

No, I get embarrassed, if...

No, don't be embarrassed. Just say anything you like. Just...

♪ Paris in the spring's

♪ A wonder to behold

♪ The streets are lined with gold in Paris ♪

♪ My love jump in the Seine ♪

♪ And it drove me insane

♪ If I may be so bold ♪

It's a song.

Yes, thank you. Very good.

I'll just wind it back.

♪ Paris in the spring's

♪ A wonder to behold

♪ ...gold in Paris

♪ My love jump in the Seine, And it drove me insane ♪

♪ If I may be so bold ♪

Yes, not too much bass at all.

It's just some little technical fault, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Uh... Oh, yes, yes. There was something. Uh...

I want you to take a good look at me.

Have you noticed anything peculiar about me?

No, but then you can't always tell by looking, can you?

I was referring to my dress.

Your dress.

Now, look. Here, catch.

Now, you are armed, correct? You're correct.

Let us assume that you want to arrest me.

Very well. You are under arrest.

Oh no, no, no, no. See, play the...

Look, let us assume that I resist.

Well, then you would be a very foolish fellow

because I'm a deadly shot with a pistol.

Yes, but how long would it take you

to reach your pistol? Too late!

You'd be a dead man, Clouseau.

Remarkable!

No hands. But...

Observe my belt. You see?

Three .22s. Miniature missiles.

Fires with deadly accuracy up to a distance of 500 yards.

What a wonderful, wonderful, uh, thing.

Yes.

Not bad is it, eh?

Quite ingenious.

It's, uh, all done with the stomach muscles.

Do you, uh... Do you think you'll get the hang of it?

Yes, oh, yes. I have a photographic memory, you know. Allow me.

Look out for your pipe!

Oh! That's... That's some wonderful, wonderful underwear.

In the event that anyone should ever want to throw you into the sea.

Yes, but you know, how do you, uh...

How do you have it laundered?

Well, I should recommend dry cleaning, you stupid...

Well, with your equipment and my finesse,

we're going to give those crooks a run for their money, eh?

Our money! Our money.

Yes, well, of course. You're right.

Yes, I'm always right. It is a problem with me.

Yes, strange. I too...

I too have that problem.

Yes, we have a lot in common. Oh, yes.

Our lives, in the game of crime and punishment,

are bound like lovers inextricably together.

It's a poem.

You ought to meet my wife.

Your queen did not bring me here to socialize.

I didn't mean my queen, I meant my wife.

I didn't mean your queen, I meant your wife.

You don't know my wife.

But I'd be delighted. Shall we say 8:00?

Dinner? Charmed, I'm sure.

There he is. Let us run him down now.

Don't be stupid, Frenchy.

In front of Weaver's house?

Oh, good evening. You must be the Inspector. Good evening.

Yes, I must. I am Lisa.

Ah, well, then you must call me Jacques.

And I hope you don't mind your husband inviting me here

on such short notice. Oh, I'm not Mrs. Weaver.

I'm Lisa Morell. Haven't you been told?

No, but, uh,

then I like to find out for myself.

I must see you alone.

Yes, well, that's the only way.

But this isn't the proper place.

Right, well, then let's run away

till before they know that I'm here.

No, I can't leave now. Trust me.

Yes, I do. I trust you to the ends of the earth.

Ah.

Come on. Thank you, thank you.

Well, I see you've met Lisa.

Yes, I have, you sly dog, you.

She's our au pair. Can I have your coat?

Yes, of course.

What will you have to drink? Small sherry, perhaps.

Lisa, would you get the Inspector a glass of small sherry?

If that's an example of your maid,

then your wife must really be something.

Ooh!

Could this lovely creature be your famous French friend?

Oh, Weaver, how could you?

Well, I haven't, old boy, not in years.

What are you muttering about, Weaver?

Just shop talk, my love. Just shop talk.

Inspector, may I present my wife.

Yes, what a delightful surprise.

My wife's a mite Scottish.

Ah, yes, lovely people, uh...

Robert Burns, cashmere sweaters, the Loch Ness monster.

What's for dinner, dearie? Nothing.

Are you out of your tiny mind?

It's the opening of the Highland Fair tonight

and I am the President of the Daughters of the Heath and Heather.

But what about our guest? I promised him dinner.

No, no, don' t trouble yourself.

I'm sure Miss Lisa could fix me a bite.

Oh, yes. I can do a very good omelet.

Oh, no! They have gorgeous goodies at the fair.

Come along now. I will not hear another word about it. Come along.

D-Down! Okay, okay, down on the ground.

May I have your attention, please?

It's time to announce the grand door prize.

The door prize.

The winning ticket is number 175.

I repeat, 175.

Who's the lucky winner?

Where's my ticket? I have it!

175. I have it!

I won the prize!

Oh! Oh, good gracious me.

Shooting may be an everyday occurrence to you,

but it's left me quite unstrung.

Don't, don't.

Don't touch my pudding. And I suggest

that you go upstairs and go to bed.

No, I've got a better idea.

I'll--I'll just get out of my tweeds,

put on something loose, and you pour me out a wee half of whiskey.

But that girl is going to tell your husband.

Oh, if I know anything about that wee soul,

she'll be sound asleep in her bed.

And Weaver'll be hours at the morgue,

filling in forms, etc. Oh, well.

I'll be down in two shakes of a donkey's tail.

Don't rush.

Lisa?

Lisa?

Here I am.

Look. Look what I won at the fiesta. A plum pudding.

I thought maybe you and I could run away

and--and we share it together.

Something very important has just come up.

I have to leave. Wait, wait.

I'm going to come with you. No, you must stay here

and distract Mrs. Weaver. It's important.

I can't-- I can't stand Mrs. Weaver. She drives me crazy.

I've waited all evening to be here with you. And so have I.

Don't be impatient, dear.

It'll not be long now.

That's her. I really must go.

Take care. Yes.

Oh, you bad, wee boy.

Where's that drink you were going to pour for me?

I looked all over for it. I can't find any whiskey anywhere.

Yeah, what an ingenious place to keep liquor.

Oh, dear.

Here we are.

There we are.

That's it.

To us.

Well, it's time for me to take my leave, dear lady. I...

I must get my beauty rest.

Oh, the excitement.

The time has come...

Why, you're shy.

Your husband. You fool, you crazy idiot!

Get away! Good, good!

Are you Inspector Clouseau? Yes.

Commissioner Braithwaite sent me to fetch you.

What took you so long?

Well, dear lady, it's been a wonderful evening.

No. But don't rush. My only regret is that

I can't stay around anymore. C'est la vie.

That's a sick lady in there.

He's coming.

Inspector Clouseau, isn't it?

Leave it. Let's get out.

Clyde Hargreaves. Blackpool Prison.

Oh, yes, the son of the warden.

The one with the warped sense of humor.

And you still need a haircut.

I don't think you'll find many laughs in there, Inspector.

There is a time for laughing and a time for not laughing.

And this is not one of them.

Yes.

Yes.

What's that? It's my plum pudding.

I won it at a picnic.

Yes, I heard about your successful evening.

Weaver telephoned me from the mortuary and told me all about it.

You know, well, it was nothing, you know.

I just had the winning ticket, that's all.

Mmm! I can't wait to take a bite from this thing.

Well, never mind. How do they make...

Never mind. How do they make it such a round...

How do they... Clouseau, don't worry about the plum pudding now.

From what I gather, you behaved disgracefully this evening.

Drinking on duty, flirting with woman after woman,

even reciting vulgar limericks.

Yes, well, life is not all shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know.

Nevertheless, you elected to shoot a man tonight, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Thereby revealing your identity.

You're correct.

Well, I'm afraid that the way that you work

are not the ways that we work here at Scotland Yard.

Well, of course not. Uh, that's why you brought me from the Surete.

If you could solve your own mess,

you wouldn't need me here, would you?

Allow me.

What the devil do you think you're doing?

Braithwaite! Put it out.

Put it out, sir! Take it away!

Where there's a will, there's a way.

I've nursed this bottle since Dunkirk.

Now listen, Clouseau, I've had enough of this.

You should never have shot Frenchy Lebec.

You could have brought him in for questioning

and then we might have gained some valuable information.

But, oh, no, not you.

You have to go and get yourself involved in some

idiotic Highland shenanigan.

It's utterly disgusting! Do you hear me?

I don't talk to you when you're like this.

I'll come back when we can discuss this

in an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding.

Good evening.

Will you take some notes, please?

A: What are the facts at our disposal?

B: Let's get down to the facts at our disposal.

C: We know that there has been a robbery.

D: We know also that certain people

are going to commit this robbery.

I think we can safely assume that.

We know that there are people going to commit this robbery,

we know also that they must get out of the way

the people who are trying to prevent them

from committing this robbery.

And that would be you. Me?

What do they want to get me for?

Well, they have already made one attempt on your life.

So they have.

Hmm, well.

You see how much we have, uh, learned already?

Gosh, that's marvelous! Well, let's-- let's press on on those lines.

Yes, let's press on that line.

Since they've already made an attempt at my life,

and it has come to no fruition whatsoever,

Yes? ...they will try

A more parabolic approach.

They will attack me on the bias. Am I correct in this?

On the bias? On the bias,

which means that they will not attack me,

but will attack something that I love more than anything else in the world.

And what...

What do I love more than anything else in the world? What does one...

What?

Food! I love food more than anything in the world.

So they will not attack me, they will attack...

Devils! They are going to get me!

My plum... My plum pudding!

Sergeant, get this gun over here.

Wait. Wait for me. Wait. I--I have to...

What's all the excitement about, eh?

Here, let me help you, Inspector.

What are you doing?

I'm saving your lives, you fools!

And you, get with your-- with your loved ones and family.

And--And all the rest of you,

clear out of this neck of the woods!

And don't-- don't break anything unless it's absolutely...

Get back! I told...

I don't know how many times.

And, I'm sorry, I say, I--I don't want you in...

...in this vicinity. And I... That's what I'm...

Aha! I have found the bomb!

It is still ticking.

I have drowned the bomb.

It is no longer ticking.

There's no bomb in there. There must be.

When--When I held it up to my ears, I distinctly heard ticking.

Well, i-it could have been your wristwatch.

Ah!

It must not be waterproof.

It's just not going to work, you know.

No, not any more, it's not. It's good of you to concern yourself

but I can always buy another watch.

I wasn't talking about that.

That is, if we... If we last that long.

Come on, give it up. Shh!

Aha. Aha!

A deadly transistorized mini-bomb!

Looks like one of those cyanide capsules.

Yes, yes. A cyanide capsule.

Well, somebody certainly seems determined to see you dead.

Yes, but who?

Well, I mean, it could be anyone at that blasted Scottish hoopdeedoo.

Yes, but I didn't let this out of my sight till I got here

to your club.

Weren't there any clues on Frenchy Lebec

that we might be able to use?

These matches which I found in his coat pocket.

Let me see those.

Bring that man in for questioning.

You shot him last night.

Oh, yes. The Tudor Arms?

Inspector, perhaps we ought to have a look at this place.

No sooner said than done.

Hello, can I help you?

Thank you for stopping.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

It's my new car. I don't know what to do.

Do you know something about machinery?

I don't know something about machinery.

I know everything about machinery.

Well, what do you suppose this does?

Oh, yes. Well, you see,

when this is connected in the right place,

it makes your automobile move.

Now, it either goes one of two places. Over here,

or over here.

Well,

that takes care of that.

Did you fix it? No, it's completely ruined.

Can I take you somewhere?

I suppose I ought to make a phone call.

Now, the nearest place would be The Tudor Arms.

Kismet. That's exactly where I'm going,

Good.

And what brings my favorite niece out in the dead of the night?

What do you think happened, Uncle? My new car broke down.

Oh, what a pity.

Don't just stand there grinning. Get us some food.

What would you like?

Oh, uh, just a light snack for two.

Some smoked salmon, perhaps, a little assorted pate,

a little roast beef, I think.

Then, a few vegetables, uh, petit pois, carrots.

Then some glace,

a little chocolate cake perhaps, and... I'll leave it all up to you.

Will you have it here or upstairs?

Upstairs sounds cozier, doesn't it?

Good.

Charming room, isn't it?

You have been here many times before.

What gives you that idea?

The innkeeper, you greeted him as Uncle.

Yes, he's married to my aunt.

It's all very suspicious.

I think perhaps I should

go downstairs and have another look.

Oh, don't let me stop you.

Are you trying to keep a policeman from his duty?

Don't you want to kiss me?

Whether or not I wish to kiss you is beside the point.

The thing is, I'm here on a secret mission

that very few people know about

and I am not going to be dissuaded from my duty.

Oh. Let me have a breather.

All right.

What do you think you're doing?

I never want to forget this evening.

No, put that camera down.

We'll have none of that, my dear.

You don't take a picture of me in this disheveled condition.

There, now you can take a picture.

Oh, look at that big beauty.

Yeah. I love to have my picture taken.

Right. I would be the first one to admit that.

Hold it. You want the same thing like that?

That's it. Lovely. Profile. About face.

Yes. And now, a bit serious.

You want a half-smile.

A half-smile from the other side.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, all-the-teeth-smile. I'll give you one of that.

And now, I'll give you an action photograph.

Mmm-hmm.

And of one caught in the act of surprise.

Next pose. No, you missed that.

Take it once more. I've got it.

That's the kind I like. Next.

Lovely.

That ought to do it. Yes.

Lovely. Very good. Now listen, incidentally,

if you're making those up, I wouldn't mind having a few of each myself.

I'd like to see the proofs first and then

I'm-- I'm sure I will order some from you.

I've got an idea. Yes?

So far I've only got face shots of you. Right.

How about full figure? Fine, all right.

I'll be more than happy...

♪ Oh, it grabs you by the heart ♪

♪ You never fall apart in Paris ♪

♪ We argued for an hour

♪ She jumped off the Eiffel Tower ♪

♪ That wasn't very smart

♪ Paris in the spring

♪ The world is my... ♪

Hi.

Uh, I don't mean to intrude

but have you seen anything of a girl?

Uh, not...

Not of course to imply that that's not what you are.

I didn't mean to imply

that, uh... Indeed, not only are you a girl but, uh,

yes, indeed, a very extraordinary one at that.

Yes, uh...

I don't suppose that

you've seen anything of a tall brunette in a short slip, have you?

No.

Ah.

Yes, well.

C'est la vie.

Beautiful.

You did a good job.

Oh, I love the way you eat.

Like a jungle animal.

Oyster dressing makes me passionate.

Mmm?

When I eat it?

Especially when you eat it.

If I didn't have this heartburn, would you see something.

I've got something for your heartburn. Yes?

Yes, a little something.

If you just lie there, we will, uh, soon help you.

How's that? Ah, that's nice.

Is that better? Ah, very good.

Mmm? Better?

Flying over Ecuador with you. That's better, is it?

On the back of a giant moth...

You're having a good trip, are you?

Yes, it reminds me of

in the barbershop. Ah, that's better.

They're doing it again. You'll soon be well.

How do you feel now?

Help.

Take that.

Towel.

All right. Okay?

Now come on, pat it well into the face.

Don't miss anything.

This stuff hardens very quickly.

That should do it.

Now, easy.

It's loose.

It's loose. The bull is loose,

I don't need a picador,

I'll do it by myself.

I'm going to kill the bull by myself.

Give me-- Give me my sword

and I will become the...

Here it comes. It's free. It's loose.

You're magnificent.

Ole! Come on.

I can't believe it. It's true, sir.

He claims it was all part of his master plan.

Well, I'm sick of his master plan.

And I suppose the collapsing bed was part of our equipment.

Oh, oh, no, sir. He--He said he brought that with him.

I don't want to hear any more about this idiot.

I--I don't claim to hold with the man's methods either, sir,

but you--you--you must admit he does get results.

I prefer the sort of results that culminate in suspects standing trial.

I think I may have the answer to your problem, sir.

What, drop him from the case?

You know perfectly well we can't afford to offend the French government.

No, I didn't mean that, sir. Well, what did you mean?

Well, I think we ought to have a man on the spot

speaking the language.

What language? French, sir.

Mmm? In France.

True, sir.

The remains of Frenchy Lebec are being sent back to France. To Le Havre for burial.

Remains of who?

Frenchy Lebec,

the man Clouseau shot at the Highland Fling.

Oh.

Lebec's gang's bound to be at the funeral

and if Clouseau happened to be there as well,

there's no knowing what information he might turn up with.

Follow that hearse.

Follow it yourself.

Get out!

How much-- How much for your-- for your motorbike?

What? I'll buy it.

The bike. I'll buy it.

Oh, oui. I'll give you this much.

Give it a good kick, huh? Yes, yes.

That's what I'm... I'm going to...

Stop, thief!

Did you see that? He stole my motorcycle.

Oh, nowadays, you can't trust anybody.

Gendarmes!

Special report to Commissioner Braithwaite

from Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Good morning. I am sitting in a cart full of fresh fish.

I'm going to follow the hearse.

I'm leaving...

To find the body...

To find the final resting place.

I'm going.

I can't think...

Eh! Idiot!

Here I am in the graveyard

hiding behind a small shrub.

I am now moving into an advance position

where I can continue my reconnaissance.

This is Jacques Clouseau signing off.

Oh!

Get up. Get up. Get off.

My hat.

There.

Oh, no.

Stand there. Put your hands.

Yeah, like that.

There he is!

That's the man who stole my motorbike.

Come back! Come back here!

Hey, you! Come back!

Come back!

Hey!

Get into the car, Jacques. Quick!

Hold on. Can you make it?

Get into the front seat.

Yes, I'm-- I'm trying to.

Some policewoman.

Listen, if you don't believe that I'm a member of Interpol,

go in there and ask them.

You, a member of the international police?

Don't make me laugh.

I--I arrest you in the name of the Queen.

This crook is Lieutenant Morell of Interpol.

Who the devil are you?

I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau

on detached service to Scotland Yard from the Paris Surete.

And who are you to tell me that this crook is no crook?

Don't raise your voice.

I am Prefect of Police Geffrion

and your superior.

Mmm...

Hmm.

Well, it seems, uh, that I owe you an apology

and, uh, and you too, Lieutenant.

Oh, it's quite all right.

And so, now that Scotland Yard and Interpol have made their peace,

perhaps a hard-working prefect

can eat his meal in peace, huh?

Right. You've got everything?

Yes. Mmm-hmm.

Now, let's go over it again.

All right.

This is the headset.

Yes. You put it on and you listen through it.

Yes, put it on.

This is the bow, with the microphone lead.

Yes. See? There.

Oh, yes.

This is the arrow with the microphone. Right.

Now you have to plug that in there

and you should try and get the arrow through that window up there.

That's where they all are.

...with a queen. Pair of aces.

Tonight, we're gonna knock over the Dodge City Bank.

Dodge City Bank? You must be kidding!

I got a plan.

In 15 minutes, Lefty and Big Red

walk into the hotel and start shooting up the place.

10. Pair of 10s.

I'm only worried about one thing.

I don't trust that Ringo or his partner.

Don't worry about that now. Listen to what I'm saying.

Meanwhile me and one-eyed Charlie

slip into the back end of the bank.

What about the half-breed?

Don't worry about the half-breed.

Yeah, don't worry about the half-breed.

Right.

Who's there? - Open up, please.

Not until you show me your mother.

Okay.

Clouseau. - Have him!

Please give me some air.

Mon dieu!

What's this?

Hello, Steele.

It's the warden's son.

Man, you was a dead ringer for Clouseau.

Yes, just goes to show what one can do with five bobs worth of plastic,

a few photographs and the take from The Great Train Robbery.

You're Johnny Rainbow.

Johnny Rainbow!

How's it, fellas?

But when we blow the vault, it's gonna wake up the whole town.

We don't blow the vault, stupid.

I've bribed the bank president.

Great thinking!

Bank robbery!

You all set now? Right.

Got the plan? Right.

Now you two get on the roof

and you drill the first lawman you see coming across to the bank.

Right.

Hold it just a minute now. Well, what is it?

Now, you all know...

Don't worry about the half-breed, Ringo.

Yeah, Ringo, don't worry about the half-breed.

Switzerland is the bank vault of the world,

and on Saturday afternoon, we're going to rob

the biggest banks in 13 of the biggest cities in the country.

And who gets blamed?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

How are you going to be at 13 different banks all at the same time?

I'm not. You are.

Be my guest, Steele.

Come on, that's great.

How do the eyes look?

Perfect, even from here.

It's gonna work, Clyde.

I do not like this joke.

Count me out. What do you mean?

Me, too. It's dodgy.

No hard feelings, huh?

No, as a matter of fact, I need a couple of bright boys

to do another little job for me.

Clouseau.

To kill Clouseau will be my pleasure.

But our ruin.

Now, look. Listen. Once we've made the haul,

I want Clouseau running around

trying to explain his innocence to all those eyewitnesses.

No, my friend, do not kill Clouseau.

Kidnap him.

...and then while you and your--

and your Cossacks are holding me prisoner,

Ringo and One-Eye and the Half-breed are--are robbing the bank.

And Lefty and what's-his-name are--are--are--are

shooting up the hotel lobby.

And the one with the squeaky voice,

the one with the squeaky voice is up on the roof

waiting to shoot the first lawman that rides into town.

Are you getting all this down?

I think so. Yes, get it, push it down.

And--and the bank president is in on it, too.

Only the bank president? Yes.

Not the Mayor? No.

Or Brigitte Bardot?

No. Not Brigitte Bardot. Out! Out! Throw him out!

And wait! The... Ringo the breed, the Half...

Ow! Ow!

Police brutality!

Oh, Jacques.

If you'd been with me at the police station,

maybe those fools would have believed me.

Oh, I knew you'd want someone to watch the bank.

They will not start until the square is cleared.

I do hope we won't have to wait too long. I'm so cold.

Yes. It is cold.

Come, let's go home.

Hey, what about the crooks?

The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau.

That will teach you to sneak up on me.

All right, Stockton, come on.

Over to the wall. Go on.

Turn around.

Hands up high.

All right, turn around.

Drop your hands now.

Hey, what's up, Weaver?

I don't want praise, uh...

At all times, I always do my best.

Anyway, Commissioner Braithwaite

extends his personal congratulations.

Yesterday for killing one crook, I am reprimanded.

Today for killing two, I'm complimented.

Tell Commissioner Braithwaite to make up his mind.

On behalf of the Paris Surete,

allow me also to congratulate you. It was marvelous.

Now, Clouseau, you're sure you've got the rail ticket? Yes.

And the rest of the papers, et cetera,

we found on the dead man last night?

Good.

Well, when you get to Zurich,

if you run into more than you can handle, uh...

Up to now, I think I've done pretty well on my own, don't you?

Yeah, see you. Yes.

Au revoir, Clouseau. Au revoir.

You are an ornament to France.

Merci.

Oh, don't forget the business of Ringo and the Half-breed.

Clouseau, your train! Your train!

Do you play jacks?

David can't get past his threesies.

Don't bother the nice man, Nicole.

The nice man is not bothered.

I want to go to the toilet.

That's nice.

I want to go to the toilet.

Excuse me.

He wants to go to the toilet.

Come on, David.

Next year, I'm staying at home

and Daddy can take you on holiday.

I can do ladies in the washhouse.

Hmm.

Of course you'd have to start out with babies.

Chicken in the basket.

Time for lunch, Nicole. But I was showing Uncle Jacques

cherries in the basket.

Nicole.

Goodbye, Uncle Jacques. Ah, yes, goodbye. Have a good time.

Seven in the...

Feathers in the horse.

Duck in the soup.

Weaver, what are-- what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Well, I thought it was an opportunity of having

a little holiday without my missus.

You've got a point there. Yeah.

As long as you're not here to meddle in my case.

Oh, no, no, wouldn't dream of it.

Would you care to join me in an aperitif?

Surely, thank you.

Um...

Training for the Olympics, are we?

Oh, you think this is child's play.

Well, isn't it? In the hands of a child, yes.

But as a test of skill, concentration and dexterity...

Would you care for a small game until the drinks arrive?

Surely.

That is unless you are afraid to take on Clouseau.

I'm not afraid, Monsieur.

In fact, I'm looking forward to it.

Onesies. Onesies. One. Yes, I've got it.

I have it right here.

Right.

Twosies. You didn't pick anything up.

I did.

You had that lot in your fingers. No, twosies.

I don't write them unless you pick up.

Twosies. All right, twosies.

Threesies, threesies. Threesies.

A miss.

All right. All right. All right. A veritable miss. Miss.

All right. Yes.

Here we go with this one now.

That's it. No, you can't move the jacks.

The train hit a bump. I tell you and when the train hits a bump...

You're breaking all the rules. It's my jacks and I'll do what I want to do.

They're not your jacks. Yes.

Yes, all right. That's it, that's it.

Leave them as they are. Now throw the ball. Yes, all right.

Throw their ball. Onesies. Onesies, onesies.

Twosies.

No! I have it, twosies.

You rang, sir?

Get away from me when the jacks are hot. Get out!

Don't bother a man. Come on.

Threesies.

Here's the ball. Your turn.

You quit while you're ahead?

Come back and finish the game.

Weaver, come back and finish this.

Finish the game.

L-Listen.

We'll finish the jacks and then we'll have a wrestling match.

Not the door. No.

All right, I'll take off 20 points from my score.

No, please! Please!

I didn't like that man.

He won't bother us anymore.

Read us a story.

"Edward Bear,

"known to his friends as Winnie the Pooh or Pooh for short,

"was walking through the forest one day."

Inspector Clouseau? Yes.

Ah, permit me to introduce myself.

Director of National Security. Hoeffler, isn't it?

The Minister of Finance has assembled

the bank presidents as you requested.

Good. Come.

The car is waiting outside.

Just a minute, Jacques. You must be very careful. You see.

I saw Weaver on the train and I think he's one of the gang.

Thank you. I'll see you at the Tellerhof, huh?

Yeah.

One minute. Of course.

Get that girl.

This car is at your disposal.

The driver has his instructions.

How did it go? Everything according to plan.

Good. We'll stop and switch clothes on the way.

Change and get back as quickly as you can.

Yeah. Right away. See you.

...and finally Zurich.

It is for these reasons, gentlemen,

that I have called you all,

you bank presidents of Switzerland here to Zurich today.

I, as the responsible Minister of Finance,

have declared this to be a national emergency.

And I have pledged on your behalf,

your fullest, your fullest cooperation

to Inspector Clouseau.

Inspector.

Mr. Minister, honored bank presidents.

After months of meticulous police work,

we have managed to piece together a picture of

what we think the crooks will do.

The robbery will take place tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Saturdays the banks close early.

Precisely. Inspector Clouseau.

Yes? If you are so well-informed,

how's it possible that you don't know which bank they plan to rob?

Well, you see, from time to time

the gang has had all your banks under surveillance.

Oh, I see.

Now, I want you to take a very good look at my face.

When the time comes, I shall fly by helicopter to the unlucky bank

and personally supervise the transference of all funds.

I have with me today Inspector Weaver of Scotland Yard

who has a few more remarks to make.

Inspector Weaver.

Gentlemen, under no circumstances whatsoever

are you to follow any instructions from an intermediary.

Neither must you accept or honor

any apparent radio or telephone message

from either Inspector Clouseau or myself.

Only that way can you be sure that your money is safe.

In the hands of Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

There, now may I speak to London?

But that's-- that's all the change I have.

I've been trying to make this c-call for an hour.

Wait, wait.

My mother has just come by.

Mother, have you got any money?

Yes. Very good, thank you very much.

Oh, luckily she had some change with her,

a miraculous occurrence that she didn't tell me about.

Oh, and here comes my Uncle George.

Uncle George seems also to have a little bit of change with him.

And here it comes into the telephone at this very moment.

And here comes my sister with another 20 centimes and 20 more.

Thank you very much, dear relatives.

Now, uh...

70 centimes more but I have no more buttons.

I mean, can't you trust me, a policeman of good standing?

Wait, I'll-- I'll see if I can find someone in this humble village

that will trust a man with an honest face. Don't go away.

No. Wait, I made a mistake, don't hang up the tel-telephone.

Looks like rain.

Listen, have you...

Hey, can--can I borrow? Can...

Ah! No, I need-- I need 70 centimes.

No, I'm not one of the poor.

I have to make a telephone call.

I have to make a phone call.

I'm not a thief or any... Here.

I--I have a wristwatch, a watch.

I will-- I will... I'll give you my--my--my automatic,

slightly waterproof watch. I'll give you trade for the money.

Yes. Yes, that's-- that's what I always say.

No, you don't!

Some scoundrel put his, uh, buttons in the telephone.

It's kaput.

We've got two minutes to get this truck moving.

Now, Steele, me old darling, how's all this going, all right?

It's finished, do you want to see it? Yes, certainly.

Oh, that's great. Marvelous. Keep that up.

Well, come on you guys. Get this thing moving.

I'll be back in about 20 minutes.

Make sure that everything's ready.

Be ready. Bank President Wulf was warned that this might happen.

Yes, yes, but when a man is having his first grandchild...

I order you to transfer everything from the vault

to the armored car waiting outside.

I shall take full responsibility.

Of course, Inspector Clouseau,

now that it is no longer my responsibility.

I'm sorry, sir, the bank is closed.

I have an-- I have an emergency. I can't allow you.

Listen, I must cash a check for three francs.

I have to make a telephone call.

We have no money.

What do you mean you have no money?

I told you, we have no money.

The Bank of Zurich has no money?

W-W-Where is-- where is the concierge?

Hey, listen, concierge, I have an important...

Inspector Clouseau!

You know who I am?

Yes, but you--you--you just left with the money.

No, no, no. This fellow here won't give me any money.

Yes, but surely, I mean...

It's a boy! It's a boy.

It's a boy. It's a...

Inspector Clouseau! Oh, no, no, no, not my bank.

It's amazing. How is it everyone in Zurich knows who I am?

The Inspector took full responsibility

so all our money has been loaded into the truck.

That's perfectly all right. It's part of the plan.

Plan? What--What plan? Your plan.

No, my plan is to cash a check

and make a telephone call to London.

There's something terribly wrong.

Well, I'm glad someone finally agrees with me.

Guard! W-W-What do you mean, "Cash a check"?

Take him, take him!

No. It's-- It's only five francs. No need to make a fuss.

Come on, fellas, let's get this thing moving.

Come on, get these doors open.

Quickly, come on. Right.

Heave!

Come along, we haven't got all day. Push it!

Come on.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I let you in. You're supposed to be watching the main gate.

You heard what Johnny Rain... Inspector Clouseau said.

He almost gave the whole thing away.

Now, for heaven's sake, man, bolt that door and let nobody else come in.

How's it going?

Hold my slide rule and I'll find out for you.

It should be all ready in about an hour and 10.

Good, keep the thing going.

Come on, quick, man, get this over there.

Watch you don't strain yourself.

Come on, Steele.

Okay. Over there on top of that crate there, will you?

Okay, swing it down.

Hold to your left. Okay, now let her go.

Down. Come on, go in slow.

Come on. Don't waste time...

Well, by now, Steele, old chap,

they're searching airports and railroads for our fast getaway.

The last thing the police will be looking for

is a slow moving barge loaded with candy.

Yeah, couldn't have done better myself.

Now, look, I have to be in the city in 10 minutes.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If we've got to take a ride on this floating time bomb, what about him?

The Superintendent Weaver is the only member of our little group

with a legitimate reason for being in Switzerland.

While you people are taking a pleasure-cruise down the Rhine,

good old Weaver's gonna be stuck at headquarters, isn't he?

So that if anything goes wrong,

you'll get warned, won't you?

Yes, well, you know that we're on 102 megacycles,

so you will keep in contact with us.

You gonna take me or not?

Yeah, come on. We'll meet again in Cologne.

Cologne.

News, Express. Robbery sensation.

Famous French Inspector arrested. Read all about it.

News, Express.

You're only the watchman at the Lindt factory.

Mmm-hmm. How did you get the money?

Well, I--I... Perhaps we can refresh your memory.

Bring in Clouseau.

Be so kind as to empty your pockets.

But I already have. On the desk!

Ah, thank you, Beckman.

Do you recognize this man?

Yes, I do. Can I go now?

You're a teller of tales, my friend,

and also you are a liar!

If there's one thing I despise, it is a cop gone bad.

Have a care who you're calling a cop.

I happen to be a full inspector.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

J'accuse!

This man threw me from the 917 Zurich Express,

stole my money, and--and I accuse him of--of cheating at jacks.

This fellow's ill. Look after him.

Here, that's mine. I... That's a dangerous...

Sayonara.

Here, that's mine. You've had yours.

That man's a crook. Stop that man.

Beckman! That man's a crook.

He's had his share, this is mine.

Beckman, I called you. I said to stop him, you fool.

Man? I saw no man.

I saw nobody.

Take his feet. We'll get rid of the body.

There are two of you.

Come on, let's hurry it up.

My face! You've stolen my face.

Give me back my face, you fiend.

Oh, my head. Help me! Help!

Oh, my!

Thank you.

Hit him back.

And that-- And that's just the beginning, my friend.

I've just-- I've just begun to fight.

If I had a silver bullet, then you'd see.

Are you all right? Yes.

Can I help you?

What an experience!

Ah, it lives!

Get him. Get him.

This person. Get him, get him from behind.

He'll break my neck.

Hit--hit this--this...

I can't stand that the pain.

He's dead.

Who was he?

We are here waiting at the Lindt Chocolate Factory

to get a statement from Inspector Clouseau

who's just been released from custody

as a suspect in this massive robbery.

Ah, here he comes. Ah, Inspector... Latest reports tell us...

Hello. ...in charge of this world wide investigation.

Inspector Clouseau. Yes?

Could you give us a statement please?

Yes, chocolate makes one very thirsty.

But, this is Telstar,

millions of people all over the world are watching.

Yes, listen to this.

Millions of people all over the world.

There has been a robbery.

The money has been spirited out of Switzerland

wrapped as innocent little Lindt chocolate bars.

It could be anywhere,

so if your chocolate bar has money in it,

be sure and contact me and I promise you

not only the gratitude of the Swiss Government

but a free chocolate bar as well. Thank you.

Give me that! That's my money. Get away. Get away.

I saw this first. I got my hands on it.

I had this suit made in Hong Kong.

We report the autobahn from Cologne's sealed off.

That's our final report. Over and out.

Roger and goodbye.

Is that you?

Yeah, of course it's me.

I've been trying to contact you. Where've you been?

You still wearing that ridiculous face?

How dare you talk to me like that,

you common prison barber, you.

Hey, wait a minute. Don't touch--touch my face!

But you're dead, aren't you?

Yes, and you're under arrest.

What do you want, handcuffs? Yes, that's what I'm-- I'm looking for.

Well, maybe you left them in the car.

No, they're not in there. I just... Here are the keys,

you need the keys to the handcuffs.

No, that's my car keys.

They're over there. They're over there, get the keys.

You come with me. We're both... People are getting annoyed.

We're both going down... Take a look at that traffic.

Quiet! You get the keys,

I'll stay here. You get the keys.

All right, don't-- don't go away!

All right, I'll stay here.

Where are my keys? What have you done?

Where are my keys?

Where are they? They're not here.

Don't-- Don't push that. Don't do that. Don't start the bridge.

Help!

Ow! Ow!

Help! SOS for a drowning detective!

Hey, what you got there?

I've brought you a little present.

Present?

Here, come on, haul him in.

Don't, don't! Don't grab me by my right arm like that.

Get up!

Oh, if I wasn't encased in a balloon

you'd see some action at this point.

Let--Let me go.

Inspector Clouseau, welcome aboard.

Run for your life, these are dangerous criminals.

We're all criminals, on this boat, ain't we, Rainbow?

Johnny Rainbow.

You can't trust anybody anymore.

Oh, Inspector Clouseau, you can trust me.

And while we're at it, I'd like to say

how very grateful we are to you.

For without your cooperation and that exquisite face,

I couldn't have pulled off this entire operation.

Bye-bye, Superman.

Take him away.

You'll soon-- You'll soon be laughing on the other side of my face, my friend.

Ow! Ow!

That hold was ruled illegal at the Geneva Convention.

Ow! Ow.

Jacques, they got you too.

Are you all right? You look awful.

What have they done to you?

Dragged me backwards in the water without skis,

thrown me from a train, given me drugs,

and worse than that, they punctured my rubber underwear.

But still you're alive and in one piece.

Now, let's figure some way of getting out of here.

You figure it out.

What do you mean I figure it out?

What are we going to do, Jacques?

I mean that I don't know what we're going to do.

But they're going to kill us. How can you talk like that?

I can talk like that because I face facts.

I ruin everything I touch.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Arrested twice. I destroy a phone booth at the railway station,

I steal from a nun.

I don't know my own face. A man comes up to me with my own face tied on.

I don't recognize who it is.

I don't-- I don't deserve to have

this autographed picture of Sean Connery.

You accept defeat so easily.

So easily? This defeat has taken every ounce of my strength.

No, everything's going to turn out all right.

It's not. They're going to kill me.

They're going to kill me, I tell you.

Thanks. I needed that.

Now maybe you can face reality.

Look, you got Weaver. The worst traitor Scotland Yard's ever had.

That's true.

You killed three members of the gang single-handed and you...

I don't mean to interrupt you, it was five, you know.

And you helped to find the money.

Helped? What do you mean, "helped"? I did it all by myself.

Who do you think got the money back? It was me.

We're going to bust our way out of this tub.

That was not the door.

Okay, you two, let's go.

Now, this is your last chance, Inspector.

Now, do you work for us or do we have to get rid of you?

I don't want your money. I have my health,

I have my hair, I have an apartment with an icebox.

And the love of a good woman.

Terribly moving.

I wonder whether we can help them out somehow.

Lash them to the tarpaulin.

I'll leave you with this... Ow! Oh, the deck...

I leave you with these words...

Oh, wait, I'm-- I'm going to leave...

Frey, what time do we rendezvous with the Star of Tangiers?

Oh, well, owing to this fog, my calculations...

I don't care about your calculations, Frey,

ask the gentleman up there how we're doing.

What are we going to do with these two idiots?

Oh, do stop worrying, Steele.

By the time they find them, we'll be miles away, I hope.

Hey, Fred, what time are we going to make the rendezvous?

I don't know. We're having trouble. We're losing way.

What did he say? There's something wrong. We're losing way.

Losing way? How can... Look, we're sinking!

We're sinking! For heaven's sake, abandon ship everybody.

We're sinking!

Don't just stand there. Keep those crates moving, men!

Out of my way.

They've gone!

Typical, rats leaving a sinking ship.

I suggest we--we swim to shore.

In which direction?

Well, it's a river. In any direction.

Well, maybe I ought to scream for help.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Help!

I don't-- I don't think they heard you.

To track them this far and then to lose them. It really is too much.

Would you like a cigarette?

Yes.

I'll get one. It's-- It's a menthol cigarette.

I--I hope you don't mind.

Menthol? Oh, no!

You don't like menthol? No.

I find it has a much cooler smoke.

Oh, okay.

What's that?

There's an ambulance drawing alongside.

Goodbye, my darling.

Goodbye. See you next week.

Yes, a week of loneliness, my dear,

but I will have everything ready for you when you come.

And you will call me tonight?

Yes, as soon as I get off the plane, my dear.

I don't want to rush you, but I think perhaps you...

Well, Braithwaite, you old son of a gun!

The time has come for us to say goodbye, eh? Yes, indeed, it has.

And I want to say that it's been a wonderful, wonderful...

Right, exactly.

In every regard.

Naturally and so shall I.

And if ever again you should happen to be...

And I certainly will. And please don't hesitate to make use of my name

and, uh, please call me if ever you need me.

Oh, no, no, no... No, no, no, no.

Please, I insist. No, really, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't... I'll be more than happy to come

I wouldn't do it. ...at my own expense.

Indeed. Yes.

Well, cheerio then. Yeah.

Goodbye, Jacques.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye. You can expect to hear from me shortly.

Yes.

Well, don't, uh, don't take any wooden francs, yes.

Inspector? Yes?

Mrs. Weaver!

The Widow Weaver thanks to you, Inspector.

No, no, Miss. Listen, don't do anything

that you'll be sorry for...

For our first night alone together in that naughty Paris of yours.