Original subtitles

[People Cheering, Chattering]

[Man] "In the final moments of a marathon...

"two runners, 'A'and 'B',

"Pass a point that is 100 meters from the finish line at the same time...

"and then run the final 100 meters of the race at different constant speeds.

"After the runners pass the point...

"'A'runs 80 meters in the time 'B'runs 60 meters.

How many meters will 'B'have left in the race when 'A'reaches the finish line?"

Let's see.

Well, "A"is winning, right, by 60... no, 80 meters...

but at different constant speeds.

So "B"could catch up. I mean, if B's constant speed...

should somehow...

But this could be one of those trick questions.

- [Siren Blares] - "A"has to win, right? Yeah.

"A"must win by... Oh, God. Who knows?

Oh, I don't know the answer.

- [Thud] - Hey!

What the hell's going on here?

Well, l-l-I'm no good on the math part.

You're a moron. It's easy!

You should have been in the verbal section. I have to think this over again.

"Over again." Forget it. I'm exhausted.

I'll run it again. You know, no problem.

- You would. - Give him a break.

It's just some junior sweating out his S.A.T.'s.

Hey, who gives a shit?

You got a problem? Afraid I'll win? Is that what's happening?

- You can't win. You're "B." You're never gonna win! - Oh, really?

You are a disgrace to the entire alphabet.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Alphabetize this! - [Groans]

[Man] Ladies and gentlemen...

this is a shocking situation unfolding at the finish line.

And yet wasn't the outcome entirely predictable...

with our athletes counting on...

- Marlon Browne? - Gosh, I'm sorry.

You guys should have been in Jessica Kailo's S.A.T.'s.

You'd be drinking Gatorade by now.

Are you copying?

Mm-mmm. Nope. I'm fine. Thanks.

[Sniffling]

[Bell Rings]

Okay, gang. That's all. Let's go. Let's hand them in.

Here you go, Mrs. Wyler.

- How do you think you did, Marlon? - I don't know.

It's hard to tell from a bunch of dots.

Well, I'm sure you did fine. I'm sure you did fine.

Oh!

It's nothing. Really. Uh, h-have a good semester.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

[Man Singing]

Are you gonna take the S.A. T.'s again next month?

I have to. With the scores I have now, I can only get into the schools I'd never go to.

Kel, it's one overrated test.

Yeah, well, you can say that, Jessica, 'cause you have really great scores.

You guys, we gotta ease up. If we're this crazy now, what's it gonna be like in April?

I'm not gonna make it to April. I know it.

I heard about one girl who lost it so bad she went into a mental institution.

You mean the one that really cracked and took off all her clothes in the interview?

Oh, yeah. Did you hear what happened?

[Kel] No.

It was terrible because when she went in for her interview...

she was completely, totally prepared to discuss the nuclear freeze...

drug abuse, violence in movies...

all the important issues.

But you know what the interviewer did instead?

He hit her with a stress question.

- Bastard. - Just to watch her squirm, he asked...

"If you could be any major household appliance, which one would it be and why?"

- [Groans] - She blurted out "vacuum cleaner,"

but couldn't back it up.

It was all downhill after that.

No matter what she said, he wasn't interested.

Finally, he turns to her and says...

"Looks like your time's up, miss...

unless you have anything else interesting you'd like to reveal about yourself."

- And that's when she... - [Gasps]

Someone told me she's still in the hospital.

- No, she's dead. - [Gasps]

- Slit her wrists with the application form. - That's how she did it?

- Duh! - [Sighs]

Come on, you guys. I was joking.

Every year people pass around these stories about the kid who cracked.

Someone just made it up to scare us.

Yeah, well, it worked for me. I'm scared.

- I'm terrified. - I think getting into college...

is just like any other campaign.

And we just need a little bit of strategy.

That's why I asked my parents to move to Montana... to help me get into some east coast schools.

- Well, I don't think it's that crazy. - [Snickering]

I'm sure gonna miss my dog though.

You're staring at me again, Marlon. [Kissing Sounds]

Don't do this, Oliver. I'm weak from unrequited love.

Talk to her about it and end this twisted childhood obsession with Jessica Kailo.

This is true love. How many people do you know...

who really end up with their high school sweethearts?

What are you gonna do? Wait till you get to college to talk to her?

I have seen a myriad of men come and go through Jessica Kailo's life since the sixth grade.

I am not going to make those same mistakes. I'm committed.

- You should be committed. - I know.

- I know. You have bigger plans. - Of course I do.

What's it gonna take to convince you of that?

Forget about this "go to college" crap.

What's wrong with experiencing the real world?

Look, we get out of high school, we stick out our thumbs and pow!

We got a four-year jump on everybody.

We may even run amok with rebel game show hostesses...

traveling the world with unclaimed vacation prizes.

I'm sorry, Oliver. I don't buy into the theory...

that on day one of real life...

we stick out our thumbs and pow... Vanna White picks us up...

and drives us off into a bright and exciting tomorrow.

Well, I don't buy into the theory that getting a college education...

has gotta revolve entirely around the possibility...

ofJessica Kailo finally giving you the time of day!

[All Talking Stops]

- It's 12:30. - Thank you.

Sure.

[Jessica Laughing]

[Jessica] Here we go.

Hi, Mrs. Elzwitt-Marcato-Hazelbaum. I'm here to see Mrs. Wyler.

- Oh. - I'll be with you in a minute, Jessica.

Okay, thanks, Mrs. Wyler.

Hi, Martin.

Marlon... Browne.

- Are you gonna vote for me? - Oh, vote for you i-in the election.

For class president. Uh, of course, you don't have to.

I would love to. Why don't you give me a button, and I'll do publicity for you.

- Buttons are a dollar. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, all right. - No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

They're just kidding you.

There you go. It looks great.

Why don't you give me some extra ones, and I'll pass them out for you.

Okay. I appreciate this.

Okay, Jessica.

When elected, Marlon, I won't let you down.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So how was Italy, Jessica? - Oh, it was great. It changed my life.

Well, being an exchange student looks super on your record.

You'd be surprised how important it is the way you spend your summers.

It's getting insane. Okay, let's see.

Last spring your first choice was Michigan.

- My parents are alums. That's where they met. - Michigan's an excellent school.

- So what's the problem? - I want to go to Ramsey College.

[Gasps] Ooh, goody! Ramsey.

[Jessica] I met a group of kids in Italy who go to Ramsey.

They were on this junior-year abroad program...

in Venice to save the Italian frescoes from pollution.

While I was there, I realized it's exactly the sort of thing I want to do.

I mean, instead of being a sorority girl...

which is basically the direction I've been headed in ever since... birth.

Those kids are so cool.

When they order spaghetti, they call it pasta.

I think you have a wonderful chance to get into Ramsey.

So apply there and apply to Michigan.

Right.

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you. Good luck.

- Thanks. Bye. - Bye.

Do you have an appointment, Marlon?

Or did you just drop in? Here. Come here.

Bye-bye.

So, Marlon, uh, any specific college plan?

- Well, you know Jessica Kailo. - This Jessica Kailo?

Mm-hmm. This Jessica Kailo.

The same one that just left?

Mm-hmm. My college plan specifically...

is to go wherever she might be going.

- That's your college plan? - Mm-hmm.

That's about the size of it.

That's about the size of it.

[Man] Our projections indicate that we can expect over 8,000 applications...

- for the 470 places in next year's class. - [Man] Wow.

In other words, that's almost 20 candidates for each available spot.

Thanks, Sally. In other words, it's a seller's market.

- [Man] Hear, hear. - Now, as usual...

we are top-heavy with students from both coasts.

So for those of you recruiting out west, eyes out...

for that mythical kid from Montana.

[Woman Giggling]

- Yes, Miss Saatchi, something funny? - No. No, sir. I'm sorry.

Oh, yes. And yesterday I received this message from the music department.

"Jesus, Bob, no more oboes."

"No more oboes."Lock up their pencils. That's one funny bunch.

By the way, did everyone see the poster Kip designed?

Oh, yeah. Hammett, the floor is yours.

Okay, well, you know, it's just our regular brochure...

but unfolded, it's an art-quality poster.

Sally, can you help me?

See. "At Ramsey, we're looking beyond the numbers."

[Coughs] But what does it mean exactly?

What it means, Flutter, is that, sure, grades and S.A.T.'s are important to us...

but people impress us more.

We're sending a message.

- Want to know the message this poster is sending, Kip? - No.

[Scoffs] Bob, it sounds to me like Ramsey has an inferiority complex.

Come on. What's the problem? Ramsey always gets great kids. I went here.

Exactly.

I think our message should be that we're scrutinizing the numbers.

So do I. We should be competitive with all the top schools.

Chancellor Holbrooke, come in, please.

Sit down, everyone.

Is that a new suit? It's your color, Mrs. Holbrooke.

Thank you, Leo.

[Bob] I think all of you know I'll be moving on to another school next year.

Chancellor Holbrooke will be naming my replacement.

I thought I would ask her to say a few words.

And those few words are I am looking to promote from within.

I also want to thank Bob for the fine work he's done the last 17 years.

The quality of our applicant pool just gets better and better.

Leo says this year's kids should be off the charts.

Thank you, Chancellor. Joanna.

This year we are going to get killer kids...

the kind of student that can make it in the real world...

the kind that can land those high-paying jobs...

and drive those big cars.

- Like that B.M.W. You lease? - I think my car sends a very strong message.

And if I had designed this poster, it might read... Sally...

"Come to Ramsey, and one day you too will own a B.M.W." Thank you, Sally.

Now, that's a sentiment that won't be lost...

on today's career-minded students.

What about kids that aren't sentimental about cars? Do we just reject all of them?

Life's full of rejection, Hammett.

I think we're doing the low-caliber applicant a favor...

by letting them know that right at the starting line.

It's very painful to be rejected by a college, Marlon...

and you just don't have the numbers to get into Ramsey.

But I can take my S.A.T.'s over again, right?

And you should also start trying to find some safeties...

like maybe a state school up in the Upper Peninsula.

Jessica Kailo's applying there?

Get out of here, Marlon.

- Go. Leave. Be gone. Get out. - Thank you, Miss Wyler.

"At Ramsey, we're looking beyond the numbers."

I'm beginning to like the sound of that, Kip.

Yeah, it'll help us root out the pigs, Flutter.

Yeah, or any other barnyard animals who are trying to apply.

[Flutter] If you'd read that folder, you'd have fallen for it too.

Come on, Flutter. I mean, the transcript read, "I am a pig."

Irving Michael Anthony Pigg, spelled P-I with a double "G."

- It was a brilliant prank. Would have fooled anyone. - [Electronic Whirring]

[Leo Scoffs] It only fooled you, Flutter.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay. What is this?

All right. A year ago I was tricked into admitting a pig. I was made a fool of.

Can't you let me forget it, Leo?

Come on. I mean, always hiding these pigs in my office...

Please. [Groans]

[Toy Squeaking]

[Squeaking Continues]

[Kip] It takes a special breed of admissions officer to admit an animal.

- Even one with all the numbers. - The numbers are great. I've got 'em in my office.

Hey, guys. Coach Evans is looking for you.

[All] Coach Evans. Break!

[All] Coach Evans. Break!

- [Whistle Blows] - Hold it right there, you people.

It makes me nervous when you boys disappear behind closed doors.

I end up with athletic chemists and well-rounded political science majors...

instead of somebody who can run with a football.

[Groans] Hand off to you, Kip.

- I've got a lunch with the chancellor. - [Groans]

Nice move.

But you and I, we're gonna talk about it now, goddamn it! Goddamn it!

Nina! Coach, come on. I give. Uncle. Uncle.

Now, just in case you've forgotten what they look like, this is an athlete.

- Ronny "Sure Hands"Paulson? - He's already the center of an all-out bidding war.

Maybe we could just mention a car this year... a small car.

I mean, some schools are offering stock portfolios, goddamn it.

You'd better coordinate with Nina. She's our man in charge of minority recruitment.

This is not minority recruitment. This is athletics.

Look, this kid can get in anywhere.

I want someone who needs Ramsey.

Well, me too. But if he can catch a goddamn football.

[Chuckles] See you, Coach.

Why don't you just come with us to the college fair and at least talk to the Ramsey people?

- Oh, I should talk to the Ramsey people? - Yeah.

There are just about eight zillion kids dying to get into Michigan.

Your sisters went to Michigan. They loved Michigan. They survived.

Yeah, they all survived ham pineapple surprise too, Dad.

What's wrong with ham pineapple surprise?

Your sisters all asked for the recipe.

Dad, you know I'm not like my sisters...

and I'm ready to start making my own decisions...

with what I want to do with my life, right?

She wants to save Italian frescoes.

Oh, la santa Jessica. How sweet.

Did you ever think there might be something else around here that needed saving?

Did you ever go to downtown Detroit?

The whole place has to be scraped and sprayed. It's polluted.

- Come on, Dad. Be serious. - I am serious, honey.

Why should we pay $10,000 for you to go to Ramsey...

when you can go to Michigan for two?

Come on. Is the football team five times cuter?

Do you get an education that's five times better?

I'll get a job. I'm already looking into student loans.

I really wish you'd decide to come with.

There's been a big change with student loans, you know. They want to get paid back.

Let's go.

- Mom? - What?

- Is Dad really my father? - Honey.

Rah, rah, Ramsey.

Okay, let's meet those Ramsey people. Come on.

Dad, are you really gonna wear that hat?

No, your mother's gonna wear the hat.

- Oh, George, we're so glad you're keeping an open mind. - Open wallet's more like it.

College fair. College fair. You know, Jack Kerouac never went to a college fair, Marlon.

Oh, yeah? Well, he would have if he knew Jessica Kailo was gonna be there.

A great afternoon wasted on a boring, uneventful and predictable formality.

- Aaah! - Aaah!

- Aaah! - Aaah!

[Marching]

Marlon, don't forget. Safety first.

Get plenty of safeties.

- Aaah! - Aaah!

Lone Star State. Y'all come in and check us out.

- [All] Yeehaw! - [Both Scream]

Hi, boys. What are your names?

- Oliver. - Marlon.

Excuse me?

- Oliver. - Marlon.

- What'd you say? - Marlon. - Oliver.

I can't hear you, boy!

- Oliver! - Marlon!

You girls want to go to college?

- No. - Yeah.

College is for pussies!

- Hold it. Stop right there, students. - [Both Scream]

Do you believe in robotics and artificial intelligence?

- [Students] Yeah.! - Then come along and follow me.

Regard, Marlon, the nerd factor...

followed by the Asian factor.

All of us expected to play our roles according to future needs of a planned economy.

Hey, at least we have a future.

From what I hear, Marlon could end up flipping hamburgers.

How did he know? What, are my grades posted on a bulletin board somewhere?

- Aaah! - Aaah!

I'm glad you're interested in us, Jessica...

'cause Ramsey's a campus full of real individuals.

- That's great. - Those are the people...

you want to spend four years of your life with?

Maybe I should just go over there alone.

- Let me give you my card. - Good luck.

Please, give us a call, any of you, if you have any questions.

- Oh, thank you. - I have a question, young man.

[Clears Throat] Is the pizza at Ramsey...

- five times better than the pizza at Michigan? - Daddy.

I hope you'll answer that by coming to our open house, Mr. Kailo.

- Some of us will be there. - We'll be there. Definitely.

- Oh, yeah. Count on us. - Thanks.

Hi. Could I answer any questions about Ramsey?

Uh, no. No. This is the school I wanted right here.

[Mouthing Word]

Welcome to the Arcadia Bible Academy.

Last night, Jesus Christ appeared to me in a vision on a flaming pie...

and he spoke unto me and said, "I want..."

What's your name?

- Marlon. - Marlon!

"I want Marlon to attend the Arcadia Bible Academy...

payin' full tuition, of course."

Son, Jesus loves you.

He might not if he saw my S.A.T. Scores.

- They're low? - Low.

All right.

- Thanks anyway. - Yeah. Jesus.

[Sighs]

I've been working at Ramsey for about a year. I really enjoy it...

Excuse me. Is it too late to ask questions?

No, no, no. It's never too late.

Choosing a college is a major decision.

Given some thought to your educational goals?

Well, personally speaking, say, uh, I were in love with a girl...

but obviously she wouldn't be interested in me...

until I had something more to offer her and the world in general.

I know that Ramsey would be a good place for me to go and do that.

- You want to go to college to broaden your mind. - Right.

Because you want to win this girl.

- Jessica Kailo. - I talked toJessica Kailo.

So have I. Once.

"Once." You're following a girl to college...

you've talked to once. [Chuckles]

- Look, um... - Marlon.

Marlon. Marlon, do you think this is the best way to plan your future?

[Exhales] Maybe not the best way...

but people choose colleges for all kinds of idiotic reasons...

like fraternities and Slavic language departments.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh, I gotta tell ya...

trailing after a girl is risky.

Someone likeJessica Kailo, l-l-I'm sure she has plans.

On the other hand, you're right. I mean...

people have given me much worse reasons for wanting to get into Ramsey.

No kidding. I bet.

Marlon, why don't you just take my card.

You and your parents come to our open house. All right?

Well, actually it's my dad and my stepmother, and they're kind of busy.

That's okay. You come, then.

- Really? - Yeah.

Wow. I really appreciate this, Mr. Hammett.

- You'll definitely be hearing from me. - Okay.

- Oh! - [Chuckles]

[Grunts] Help.

[Woman] Okay, Willie, find the tetrahedron.

- [Chuckles] - No, that's a hexagon, sweetie.

See? Count.

[Together] One, two, three...

four, five, six.

- Willie! - Marlon.

Airplane. Airplane. Airplane. Airplane.

All right. Give me your arm. Give me your leg. [Imitates Engine Roaring]

- I hate when he does that. - So, Marlon...

any progress on the old college front?

Yep. I talked to a guy about a school today.

- Which one? Harvard? - [Chuckles]

- No, Sharon. - Mom.

Call Sharon "Mom," Marlon. Come on. Give it a try. Come on.

No, Mom, it wasn't old Harvard...

or Stanford or even M.I.T.

- It's Ramsey. - Ramsey.

- Where else did you look? - Nowhere else.

- For God's sakes. - I thought the idea was to make a list.

Of course it was. A long, practical list.

How many hundreds of colleges were at that fair?

How many thousands exist in this country and you come up with a list of one?

- And I don't think he'll get into there. - Of course he won't.

The thing about Ramsey, Dad, is that they actually consider people like me.

What does that mean? They're searching for someone...

with a definitive collection of Silver Surfer comic books?

This is not helpful. Come on. Get out.

I got this for you.

"Bauer & Benedek College Preparation Service"?

Someone in Sharon's... your mom's... aerobics class sent their kid there.

I don't know. Maybe they can do something for you.

I want you to go, Marlon.

- It's time you got your head out of the clouds. - You're right, Dad.

And it is. It's out.

I made a valuable contact today, and I really think that you should trust me.

What does that mean, Bill?

He'll still be living at home next year?

[Marlon] "In the middle of a shark-infested harbor...

[Marlon] "In the middle of a shark-infested harbor...

- two men, 'A'and 'B, ' strike a submerged boulder." - Hey, we're gonna drown!

Do something, you... you idiot!

"Their crippled boat begins taking on water at the rate of five gallons per minute.

"If man 'A'can dump two gallons per minute...

"how much water must man 'B'bail...

to keep the 60-cubic-foot boat from sinking?"

- Oh, Jesus. - What? What's going on?

- It's that moron. - Him?

Oh, Christ.

Oh, things are different now that we're in the same boat, huh?

We're gonna die!

Would you guys stop worrying? This is a practice test. I'm in a class.

Bail, punk, bail.

Does everyone agree it's questions like this one that forced you in here?

- [All] Yeah. - Welcome to the Bauer-Benedek workshop. It's hard.

And let's face it, if you had a snowball's chance in hell...

of solving this, you wouldn't have to be here on a beautiful Saturday morning...

preparing to take your S.A.T.'s over again.

- Am I right? - [Sobbing]

Okay. But does that mean you should leave the question blank?

- Yes. - Never.

- Right, Francine. - A blank answer gets you zero points.

Knowing that and applying the law of averages...

tells you that if you can eliminate two choices out of a five-answer question...

or just one choice from a question that has only four...

then you're better off guessing than leaving the question blank, which gives you zero points.

- Are you with me so far? - [All] No.

Well, that's the beauty of the Bauer-Benedek system.

You see, you don't have to understand us. Just...

- trust us. - Trust us.

Guessing cannot hurt you.

You have the B&B guarantee on that.

Just close your eyes and point.

[Sobbing]

Keep bailing. We're gonna be all right.

Oh, really? The moron's back.

- Look, you guys, it's okay to guess. - Skip it.

So, uh, let's say the answer is, um...

- Let's just make it "D." - "D"? What are you thinking about? "D"?

- No, uh, "B." "B." - You're gonna kill us! Leave it blank!

- Leave it blank. Go back to it. - You freak!

- "B." - Go by it. Next question.

It's "A." "E."

- Save us! - "A."

- Thank you. - [Sobbing]

Marlon, how did it go?

Okay. I'm not too sure about the guessing part though.

You're like every kid who walks in here, Marlon... gullible.

The process has you intimidated.

You think getting into the college of your choice has to do with how smart you are.

You know what it actually is?

It's imaging. It's P.R. And strategy...

selling yourself and marketing...

positioning and packaging.

Wow! It sounds like I could skip college and go straight to product endorsement.

Look...

can you guys help me get into Ramsey College?

How about sports? If you're good, it's always gonna help you.

Football? Baseball? Soccer? Swimming?

Lacrosse, wrestling, polo?

Discus, tennis, volleyball, javelin, something?

One year I won the Neighborhood Association Ping-Pong Championship.

- Ping-Pong. - Do you have your check, Marlon?

Yeah.

- Thank you, Marlon. - Thanks.

[Man Rapping]

[Man] See, Ron is just a tremendous athlete...

and he's talking to them big schools...

and what they're saying to him is money...

apartments, cars.

You know, some schools have even offered to bring me up on holidays...

off-season... maybe even bring my Ronny home on weekends.

- Wha... - See, he's overwhelmed. He wants to make the right decision...

but he's only human...

and you and I both know he will generate a shitload...

Excuse my French. Uh, uh...

He'll generate a shitload of money for whatever school he goes to.

Ronny, do you want to go to a college...

You know, some schools have even mentioned stock portfolios.

Yeah, I've heard of those schools who offer things to athletes.

Not to just athletes, Miss Saatchi.

- [Chuckles] - [Chuckles]

I think I know what you mean.

- Well, congratulations on your all-state, Ronny. - Oh, thank you.

Uh, now we might as well say good-bye, because other than a scholarship...

I can't really offer you anything...

or your coach.

The truth is...

our team isn't really that great anyway.

I'm sure you have other people for Ronny to meet and talk about your retirement plan.

If you want to talk education, Ronny, give me a call.

- Can we at least get your phone number? - Let me get some paper.

I've got a card right...

May I have this piece of paper, please?

- What's your number? - I know that didn't just happen.

Excuse me. Actually...

there were words on that piece of paper that I was reading...

you old fool!

[Chuckles]

I'll, uh, give you a call.

You know, I've been watching Sure Hands be recruited...

but I have never seen technique like that before.

- [Hip-Hop] - Morris!

Would you chill out with the noise, please?

[Stops]

Thank you.

That girl studying, what grade is she in?

Oh, Vera Cooke? She's a senior.

Hmm. What kind of college plans would she have, do you think?

Community college maybe. I don't know.

Why don't you ask her?

Good idea.

- Excuse me. Vera? - Yes.

Um, uh, my name is Nina Saatchi. Do you have a minute?

- Sure. - I'm a recruiter from Ramsey College.

I don't know if you've heard of it.

[Laughs] I've heard of it enough to know you're not giving away cars.

I'm sorry if we disturbed you, but did you happen to hear...

anything else that made an impression?

Well, the part about a serious education sounded nice...

and being off in oasis...

but I'm sure that stuff only applies for people like Ronny Paulson.

No, no, that's not necessarily true.

In fact, I'd love to tell you more about it if you're interested.

Sounds great, but the problem is I'm getting ready to go to work.

Oh, well, could we talk about it at work?

- Sure, if you want to. - So what do you do?

Well, I'm somewhat of a spud technician.

And that is why I was so excited about finding Vera in the library today.

I could tell that she's passionate.

- I'm just a little enthusiastic. - You are.

I never want to tell my kids they can't do something...

Lindy, don't ride that thing like that.

Because that's not good.

It just deflates their aspirations, but Vera...

Watch out, Mom. You're just about to deflate my aspirations.

I'm sorry, Vera, but I can't sit here and listen to somebody...

tempt you with offers she can't deliver.

I can promise a fair shake from the admissions committee.

I'm looking for more than a fair shake for Vera.

I'm looking for her to have a real career.

- Mom. - First, get thejob.

Then go to college at night if you want to.

That's the way to do it.

Cookies.

My mother is a bit stubborn, but I'll keep talking to her.

And I'll call her and talk to her some more.

Meanwhile, I want you to see Ramsey. You've got to come to our open house.

How about if I tell her I'm attending a McD.L.T. Training seminar?

- [Laughs] See you later. - See you later.

Can I help you, please?

[Instrumental Film Theme]

[Continues]

Oh, I love this part.

So, how was your day?

The best. I found someone unbelievable...

just sitting in the library thinking swing shift keypunch was the best life has to offer.

Yeah. This doesn't sound like Ronny "Sure Hands"Paulson.

- She is somebody nobody wants. - Great. How are her numbers?

Ouch.

I can't believe you asked that.

They don't sound so good.

She's bright, articulate, feisty.

She needs a full scholarship.

Maybe she does.

[Marlon] "Two men, 'A'and 'B, 'jump from a plane at 20,000 feet...

"two seconds apart, and fall at constant speeds.

- "At what height must 'B'open his parachute... - [Screaming]

In order to land at the same time as 'A'?"

- Uh, I think it's "B." - [Screaming Continues]

- "C." - You're killing me!

- "A." - Ow!

- "A." "A." - Answer the question!

- "E"! - Answer the question, Marlon!

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

[Screaming Continues]

I'm still not convinced about the guessing part.

Yeah, well, that was my last chance for that stupid test.

If that Bauer-Benedek stuff doesn't work...

- I might end up at the East Michigan School of Beauty. - Hi, guys.

- Hey, did you know that Marlon's applying to Ramsey too? - Oh.

Well, it's on my list of schools, but I'm considering a very long list.

Not me. My mom's driving me to Ramsey's open house next week for my interview.

We just went to the Bauer & Benedek school on interviewing and it better work.

I know. They said you're supposed to be confident but not arrogant.

- Yeah, frank but don't lie. - Spontaneous but never combust.

So are you going for an interview, then?

Sure. In fact, the interview's gonna be key for me since I'm the type...

that comes across much better in person than on paper.

Oh, you do? Maybe I'll see you there.

Right. I'll look for you.

- Okay. - Bye.

All right, girls. Reality check here. Does Marlon Browne stand a chance at Ramsey?

- Are you kidding? Marlon Browne? - Marlon Browne?

Well, that's what I thought. I don't know though. He's kind of cute in a weird way.

I think you think that because he's your competition. Since he's really no competition...

I think you think that because he's your competition. Since he's really no competition...

I think you're feeling grateful but confused.

You know, by an exaggerated sense of euphoria.

You know, Kelly, you're right. Thanks.

- Getting into college can really play with your mind. - Yeah.

I can't believe this. I feel like such a hypocrite.

I'm actually driving you to college...

so you can become another industrial bureaucrat polluting our environment.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I could really take a few lessons...

from you in that department, huh, Oliver? [Coughing]

- What are you being, sarcastic? - [Exhaust Backfiring]

[Jessica] Mom, isn't this place beautiful?

- I mean, everybody looks so smart. - I know.

- It's great. - It is. It's beautiful.

God, Mother, I love this place. This is the only school I ever want to go to.

Oh. It's very impressive.

- Oh, look. It's Mr. Hammett. Come on. Let's go talk to him. - Oh, yeah.

- Hi, Mr. Hammett. - Hi, Julie.

- Jessica. - Jessica. Right.

- Jessica Kailo. - You remembered my name.

- I see you brought your sister along. - Oh.

Hi, Kip.

- Hi. - We were gonna go on a tour of the campus.

- I hope you like the college, and I'll see you at the party. - Okay, great.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- Such a nice young man. - Mother. Favor. Please don't ask any questions.

I want everything under control. Okay?

Oh, Jessica. Come on.

Jessica is really starting to like me.

It's still subtle, but she's starting to think of me as a college guy, you know...

and that intrigues her.

- Things are really gonna jell once she sees me on that campus. - [Raspberries]

You think I'm crazy.

No, I think you're a lunatic, but that's why we're friends.

Now make love to me, you hot college monkey, you!

[Man Singing]

[Ends]

It is really going to be difficult making decisions this year.

Your "looking beyond the numbers" campaign is really pulling them in.

[Chuckles]

I still say they should tattoo their S.A.T. Scores across their forehead.

At least that way I could make my decisions easy enough.

My dear God.

- Hi, I'm... - Leo Whitman. [Chuckles]

We met at the Carlsborough Academy alumni tea, Dr...

- Dr. PhillipJellinek. - Jellinek. That's right.

- PhillipJellinek, Jr. - Yes, you are, and welcome to Ramsey.

It's incredible.

The girls' dorm is this way, and over that way...

And you still think it will be the same around here with Leo as the dean of admissions.

[Scoffs] I don't want to be dean of admissions.

All right. But what's it going to be like working for him?

- [Horn Honking] - [Whistle Blows]

Oh, wow. Wow. Look who's here.

We got Ronny "Sure Hands" Paulson here, goddamn it.

- Hi, Ronny. - Hello, Miss Saatchi. I'll bet you're surprised to see us.

I'll admit, a little. Dean, this is Ronny Paulson.

And this is Ronny's lawyer, Dan Bestman.

- We were supposed to bring a lawyer? - [All] Shit.

[Man Singing]

So how have you found Ramsey so far?

- I took the bus, remember? - [Chuckles]

No. Really, Miss Saatchi, I'm fine.

I appreciate your time and concern...

but you should be out enjoying yourself.

It's not exactly me you should be baby-sitting.

Oh, you're right. I have to go baby-sit the love of my life. Excuse me.

I'm sure I'll be just fine.

- [Together] Hi. - I was wrong.

What is this atrocity?

[Kip] Welcome, Ramsey hopefuls.

- We're theJellineks. - Oh, yes. You certainly are.

So, are you just dropping off young Jellinek?

- Why would I do that? - See, sir, it's, uh...

it's kind of a kids' get-together.

They can kind of unwind without the parents around...

and get a feel for the social life here at Ramsey.

- Social life? - Yeah.

- Social disease is more like it. - Why don't you look around, have some food...

and spread your warmth.

Making, uh, new friends here?

See the world, Vera. Smash out of this coffin...

they call a college experience before they shut the lid.

How very uplifting, Oliver. Ever thought about entertaining sick kids in hospitals?

Oliver takes his college-free future very seriously.

He's looking to travel the world with renegade game show hostesses.

Sounds like your run-of-the-mill American dream. What are you looking for, Marlon?

It just walked in.

[Singing Continues]

Hey, Marlon Browne. You made it.

Barely. We took Oliver's car.

Ramsey's wonderful.

I just have this feeling that I'm gonna ace my interview tomorrow.

- It's the only school I want to go to. - Funny thing.

L-I suddenly think Ramsey might be in my stars also.

Marlon, it's the real world now.

Marlon, you're different.

Y-You mean, like different different, or like Elephant Man different?

No, no, I mean good different. You're not geeky.

- I mean you're not the way I thought you were at school. - Yeah, well...

this is a preview of the college me.

- There's four more years of this to come if you're interested. - [Chuckles]

Just make a decision, Jess. I mean, they're not gonna accept you or not accept you...

- based on your shoes. - You need to stand out, Mom.

Every detail counts. Which do you think I should wear, Reeboks or my loafers?

Your Reeboks.

Okay, but that could make me look too frivolous and not intellectual enough.

- Why don't you wear your Reeboks and show them your loafers? - Mom.

Oh, honey. Wear your Reeboks. Go for it. What the hell.

Good luck. We're very proud of you.

[Leo] I'm sorry. I have no idea. I'll find out why this happened.

I promise you, sir, heads will roll. Trust me.

L-I can't believe someone would be so insensitive as to make this mistake.

Sally, there's been a grievous mistake. This is Mr. Jellinek.

Dr. Jellinek. I'm PhillipJellinek, Jr.

- Sally, for some ungodly reason, - My pleasure.

Phillip here has been scheduled to interview with Flutter.

- Yeah? So what? - It really doesn't matter who conducts the interviews.

If it doesn't matter, we'll see Dean Patterson.

No. His schedule is already overloaded.

Overload...

Oh, Sally. Can I have a word with you?

Well, if there's anything I can help you with, uh...

questions about the courses...

accom... modations?

- Anything at all. - Sally...

they met with the dean at Princeton and Yale...

not some 4-H club reject like Flutter.

Flutter is the guy who only sees the people...

who are like... bleeding-heart fresco savers.

You know, socially-correct cheerleaders...

that are elected class president in spite of the fact that they can't even decide...

which shoes to wear when they leave the house without talking to Mommy.

TheJellineks are Ramsey legacy, for God sakes, and you've got 'em scheduled with Flutter.

Leo, calm down. I will see what I can do.

Good.

- All set, sir. Nothing to worry about. - Good. We'll see the dean.

I didn't travel 400 miles to see underlings.

Let the rest of these people be seen by underlings...

- like that girl in the Reeboks there. - [Leo] Her?

[Chuckles] Girls like her are a dime a dozen.

She's state college material at best.

Let's go inside.

"Dime a dozen"?

- Hi. - Hi.

See her? I bet she has a 3.5 grade average.

- Yeah? How do you know? - Oh, almost everybody here does...

- with about a combined 1350 on their S.A.T.'s. - Oh, me too.

- So, are there many people here on the yearbook staff? - Oh, billions.

- I'm editor of mine. - Oh.

I'm just activity reporter of mine. I didn't want it to interfere with my cheerleading.

Well, my cheerleading practice comes before school.

Well, that wouldn't work for me because I have class meetings in the morning and I'm president.

- Although you're probably class president also. - No, vice president.

- That's an important job. I mean, in case the president dies. - My sister is president.

- Laurie. - Terrie.

- We better go practice. - We have a special audition...

With the music department.

Great. What instrument do you play?

- The violin. - The oboe.

- She plays the oboe. - She plays the violin. Anyway, we better get going.

- [Together] Good luck. - Bye.

Excuse me.

[Sighs]

[Sally] Jessica Kailo.

[Whimpers]

- [Buzzer Buzzes] - Jessica Kailo's coming in, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, send her in, Sally.

- [Knocking On Door] - Uh, come in.

Come in. [Groans]

Oh, excuse me. I'm Jessica Kailo, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, excuse me. I'm Jessica Kailo, Mr. Flutter.

Oh, Jessica, how are you?

I'm... I'm fine. Thanks. And you?

Well, I've hurt my hand, but I'm fine.

- Would you like to sit down, Julie. - Jessica.

- Jessica. Yeah, fine. - [Toy Squeaks]

[Squeaking Continues]

- Would you like a cup of coffee? - Yes. Thank you.

- Oh! I'm sorry. - [Cup Shatters]

Um, gotta go. See you.

Marlon Browne. 10:00 interview.

Terrific. Have a seat.

I was an exchange student last summer.

So I learned quite a bit of Italian.

Uh, y-yes. And where were you?

- Where was I? - Yes. Where did you study Italian?

- In Italy. - Oh. Yes.

[Chuckles]

Uh, in Italy, I met a lot of interesting people while I was studying there.

Some of them were involved in saving the Italian frescoes.

Those are paintings.

Oh. Yes, of course.

- [Thinking] He's bored. I'm losing him. - Go on. Go on.

I think one of the most significant...

[Thinking] He's totally not interested. He's... He's ignoring me.

He's cleaning his closets while I'm dying a thousand deaths.

I'm completely blowing this.

All the old hand-carved animals.

Uh, horses, tigers...

ostriches, pigs...

Pigs? Why did you say that?

- I don't know why. - Oh.

Well, you know, pigs are very interesting animals.

One very famous literary figure kept pigs as pets.

- Do you know who that was? - [Thinking] Stress question, stress question.

- No. - He was Gertrude Stein.

- Oh. - [Toy Squeaking]

Uh... [Clears Throat] I was also involved...

in a lot of other activities at school...

- [Toy Squeaking] - Yearbook staff...

uh, World Affairs Council...

um, Honor Society.

What's this?

Oh, uh, that's my watch.

Well, I see our time is just about up, Julie.

- Jessica. - Jessica.

- Okay, great. - [Toy Squeaks]

- So my interview's over with. - Unless there's something else...

you would like to reveal about yourself.

Unless I have anything else I'd like to reveal about myself?

Yes. Unless you have anything else you'd like to reveal about yourself.

[Thinking] Reveal about myself? Reveal about myself?

Reveal myself. Reveal myself.

Anything else I'd like to reveal about myself?

Is there anything else I'd like to reveal about myself?

[Screams]

- Shit! - Whoa!

I'll never get accepted here.

[Sobbing]

Jessica?

Marlon, your appointment.

There's no rescheduling, pup.

Pup, pup, pup. Puppy.

Jessica, how you doin'?

Marlon, if you don't mind, I really don't feel like talking right now.

Oh, sure. No problem. We can always talk later in school or something.

- Or maybe next year here at Ramsey. - I won't be here next year.

I'm not right for this school.

Come on. You? You're perfect...

- for Ramsey. - Everyone here is perfect. Haven't you noticed?

I blew it. I had a terrible interview.

[Scoffs] Jesus. Interviews don't matter.

I just blew mine completely, coming out here. How about that?

- I thought you said the interview was gonna be the key for you. - Sure, they matter a little.

But it's not like high school, where if you make a mistake you get branded as a moron for life.

- It's no big deal at a place like Ramsey. - How do you know?

Trying things out is what happens at college.

You get a great chance to start all over again, just when most people need to.

It's like a federal protection and relocation program for teenagers.

You don't know how bad it was.

Nothing could be that bad.

- It was awful. Trust me. - But awful enough to ruin your chances?

You would have to do something really idiotic...

like expose yourself or something.

Marlon, leave me alone, all right?

Something happened with her interview...

and she has locked herself in her hotel room and won't talk to anyone.

- I think something really terrible has happened. - I'm sorry...

but there is no way I could show you her files.

They're strictly confidential.

I know, but now she's considering not even applying to Ramsey.

[Sighs] This choosing a college because of a girl...

maybe we should discuss that idea.

- We did once before. - Yeah? What'd I say?

- You said you'd heard a lot of worse reasons. - Are you in love with Jessica?

Then screw it. Love is a fuckin'noble emotion...

but Ramsey is not gonna admit you based on your feelings for a girl.

- You've gotta forget her. - Forget her?

Let me worry aboutJessica Kailo.

You concentrate on your own application, okay?

[Sighs] Okay.

This is terrific, Mr. Hammett. Just great.

- Thanks so much. - Sure.

I really appreciate this. God, this is just great.

[Kip] My vote can't be bought there, Marlon.

Thanks. Okay.

- Thanks again. - Ooh. Ouch.

Yeah.

- [Knocking On Door] - Come in.

I heard you wanted to talk to me, Mr. Hammett.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Jessica. Come on in.

I wanted to talk to you before you left.

Hi. Sit down.

- How are ya? - Hi.

I heard you were kind of upset after your interview with Mr. Flutter yesterday.

Mr. Hammett, I'd rather not talk about that right now.

Look, l... I know you feel vulnerable.

I mean, you just open yourself up...

to a perfect stranger, probably for the first time.

But, look, it's just an interview...

and you were not being judged on what you have or what you don't have.

I know. You think the littlest things are a big deal...

but, believe me, really they're not.

Okay. We've seen it all before.

And Mr. Flutter, he felt that you were an extremely...

well-rounded young lady.

Oh, God!

[Door Closes]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Uh-huh. - Pomona, can you hold? I have Duke on the other line.

Duke, can you hold? I have Georgetown on the other line.

I know you're disappointed, Chancellor Smith. His application was fabulous.

We're counselors, not his parents. What can we do if he didn't choose your school?

Oxford? Please hold. I have Seven Sisters Colleges on the other line.

Girls, I'll call you back. I have a very important client.

- Okay, bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- So, Marlon, welcome back. - How'd you do on your S.A.T.'s?

- Uh, well, my score did not go up the 20% you promised. - Let's see.

- Well, you gained 10 in math and 10 on verbal. - That's 20. What's the problem?

[Man] No, all kidding aside, Marlon, you do need our help.

- Do you have a check? - But I need some real help.

L... I have a chance of getting into Ramsey.

Marlon, academics don't necessarily have to be your strong point.

What you need is a hook... something for the committee to remember you by... stand out.

- Stick to the basics. Inner-city tutoring. - Helping old people.

- Environmental cleanup task force. - Nuclear research.

I'm not currently involved in anything quite as interesting as that.

For a thousand bucks, we can make anyone's life sound interesting.

For instance, what do you do on a typical Saturday morning?

Nothing. Really. L-I baby-sit my stepbrother.

Ah! You say nothing...

but baby-sitting your stepbrother is exactly the kind of mundane activity...

that you can enhance into a business opportunity...

something that can really make you stand out in the applicant pool.

[Children Chattering]

[Chattering]

[Crash]

[Crying]

Okay, you've got work experience taken care of. Now you want to juxtapose an unusual activity.

Something that would wake up a tired admissions officer at 3:00 a. M...

like the kid who rafted down the Amazon.

A girl took up professional wrestling, and she got into Yale.

- No, Harvard. - [Together] Thank you very much. Good-bye.

[Both Yelling]

[Yelling Continues]

Hi, guys. I'm here for the wrestling lessons.

[Man Chuckles]

[Cackling]

So you want to take wrestling as an extracurricular activity, huh?

- [Cackling] - No. Actually, I've been thinking it over...

Whoa! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[Woman Cackling]

[Screams, Groans]

[Pop]

[Man Singing]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

Girl, aren't you ever gonna go home?

I will. I just gotta finish up this application.

Well, don't forget to lock up.

- Bye, Vera. - Good night, Henry.

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

[Fades]

- I've gotta go. - Do you have anything for me?

- I think this is one of yours. - Oh, great. Marlon Browne. Good.

[Nina Laughing]

- That's great. - Thanks a lot, Leo.

All right, Nina. Anytime. Anywhere.

Oh, uh...

[Laughing] Oh, no.

[Sighs] So, did Leo give good meeting in there?

We had lunch and a very serious discussion about Vera Cooke, if you must know.

In fact, we've penciled in another meeting to discuss the matter further.

Bet that's not all he'd like to pencil in. [Laughs]

[Chuckles] I've got work to do, Kip.

But keep in mind, you have as many opportunities as Leo to become dean.

The only difference is you refuse to grow up.

- Well, we got Marlon Browne. - Yes.

Whatever happened to Jessica Kailo?

I didn't apply.

Y-You didn't apply to Ramsey?

- The deadline is tonight. - What are you, a recruiter?

Didn't a certain Mr. Hammett talk to you...

about being perfect Ramsey material?

I don't want to talk about that, Marlon.

- Mr. Hammett has a warped sense of humor. - What are you talking about?

He's a great guy. It's a great school.

And you still have time to get your application in. You have until 6:00 p.m.

Marlon...

Ramsey's not the right school for me, okay?

- So where are you going, then? - Michigan.

Your dad's school?

You like Michigan better than Ramsey?

Look, Marlon, you couldn't possibly understand the decisions I've had to make.

Maybe I couldn't, but I've made some decisions too.

- I've made some very passionate decisions. - Like what?

How about suiciding, for instance?

I didn't apply anywhere but Ramsey, and I don't stand a chance.

That's great, Marlon. That's just crazy!

You're the suicide, and I'm the one that cracked.

What's that make us, weird friends or something?

I'm sorry, Marlon.

You know what I found out when I went to Ramsey?

I discovered that I'm boring and predictable...

that I'm totally average, so I freaked.

I freaked, Marlon.

Then you're not average.

People who are average, Jessica, they don't mind being average. They don't freak.

Come on, Jessica. Don't cry.

Please don't cry.

This is why I don't talk to you a lot... because I have this lousy effect on you.

[Sighs]

It's not you.

It's not?

No.

Okay, look. I think I have an idea.

[Marlon] A car traveling with two future Ramsey students...

must travel from hometown "A" to college town "B"by 6:00 p.m.

If the distance to travel is 450 miles...

and they observe the 55 mile per hour speed limit...

how much time can they allow to stop for gas and snacks?

None... because six times 55 is 330.

We won't get to Ramsey even if we don't stop.

Then how fast should we go?

Well, let's make it easy. Six times 60 is 360.

Thirty minutes to spare should be enough time.

- So, we, uh... - We go 60, Marlon.

- Go 60. - Got it.

[Woman Singing]

- How long did it take you to write your essay? - I didn't write one.

- I sent in a video instead. - Sounds so creative.

I had to do something, you know? I spent all this...

time and money going to these consultants.

The only helpful thing I got from them was you have to get the attention of admissions.

They want to know who you are. So I made this video.

That's great, Marlon.

[Singing Continues]

[Keyboard Keys Clacking]

- [Horn Honks] - Whoa!

- A turtle! Gopher. - A gopher or a turtle?

Yes, that's what it was. It was a rare gopher-turtle.

- [Chuckles] Oh, okay. - Mm-hmm.

- All right, here's my opening, all right? - Yeah.

Okay. "I want to go to Ramsey and be rude.

"Not because I don't like people and not all the time...

"but if I'm walking across campus one day contemplating Aristotle...

"I won't worry if people think I'm a snob if I don't smile and say hi to them.

I did enough of that in high school."

- I think it's great. - Yeah?

- It's excellent. - Do you want to hear the title?

"Secret Confessions of a High School Prom Queen."

- Oh! - Yeah? You like it? It works?

It's definitely gonna brighten the lives...

of any admissions officer and his children.

[Scoffs] All right. On to paragraph two.

[Singing Continues]

[Fades]

Look. You think you can make it?

- Yeah. I'm almost ready to print. - What is with these trucks?

I thought these guys were all on amphetamines.

- Just what we need. - Oh, it's a cop.

Shit! He's doing the speed limit.

Marlon, we can't go 55. It'll blow the whole equation.

[Horn Honking]

- [Marlon] Great. - Wonderful.

According to the map, a road intersects this one in 22 miles.

If the cop takes that road, leaving us with 32 miles left to travel...

how fast would we have to go?

Do we wanna know the time or distance in this problem?

Don't panic. Let's just be logical about this.

Let's go slower.

Slower? Marlon, this is logical on what planet?

- [Horn Honks] - Come on. Come on. Come on.

Go for it!

- Whoo! - [Marlon] Moron.

- [Siren Whirring] - [Laughs]

I always knew that S.A. T. Stuff wouldn't help much in real life.

[Horn Honks]

You asshole.

No. Why is it locked? Is it 6:00 already?

No. It's five to 6:00. It's not fair.

Hey, Jessica, are you the kind of girl whose dad gave her a credit card?

Yeah, but it's expired.

Doesn't matter, because membership has its advantages.

Wait. Somebody's coming.

[Door Handle Rattles]

I think he's gone.

Okay. Over here. Over here. Okay.

I can't believe we're breaking and entering the college we want to get into.

[Kisses] For good luck.

[Kisses]

Well, we made it. All we can do now is wait.

Yeah. [Exhales]

- Marlon? - Yes, Jessica?

I don't know. I just wanted to say thanks for everything.

I really hope we both get into Ramsey.

I couldn't think of a nicer guy to spend the next four years of my life with.

Well, let's not rule out graduate school.

- [Chuckles] - Good night, Marlon.

Good night.

[Sighs]

[Horn Honking]

That's right, boys and girls...

get your college paraphernalia while it's hot.

It's okay, Mom. Just describe the envelope to me.

Well, is it fat or what?

Just tell me, Mom. Is it fat or skinny?

Mom, just tell me. Is the envelope big or small?

Mom, God! Just...

I got accepted into Michigan. So big deal, right?

I wouldn't care at all, except for Kelly.

She was rejected by six schools already.

[Sobs] Seven schools!

That's why I recommend suiciding. You can only get rejected once.

This waiting around here for Ramsey's killing me. I wish I could have Amy's cool.

Just talk to me, goddamn it! Is it fat or what?

Fat or skinny? [Screams] I'll kill her!

Here's an interesting case. Vera Cooke.

She is, as far as I know...

the most underprivileged youngster that we have this year.

She's got, uh... Oh, thanks, Leo. She's got decent grades.

Her father is out of the picture.

No, her father's dead. She wrote about him in her essay.

Oh. Oh, yes. Oh, and it says here...

"Her energy and struggle to obtain her dreams has produced an individual...

"both tough and sweet.

She's a woman and a girl to reckon with and to love."

[Scoffs] Geez! Who writes this crap? Lionel Richie?

- I wrote it. - You know, I met him once.

- He's a lovely man if you meet him in person. - This is Vera Cooke.

- We discussed her, remember? - Oh, yeah.

I recruited Vera, and I strongly recommend her to this committee.

- How are her college boards? - Well, she's 410 verbal, 470 math.

The point is that's not the kind of question we need to be asking about a person like Vera.

- What is the right question? - Whether we, as a group, are willing to take a chance.

This is a case in which Ramsey can make a difference, one that...

could actually change someone's life.

We all agree with Nina, right?

During the break, I talked to Leo. He brought up an interesting point.

Whose interests are we serving here?

Ramsey is a very competitive environment.

We need minority students, but at the expense of this girl?

I don't see that we're really that desperate to fill our quota.

Forget the quota. Forget she's black.

Good. My vote can't be won on the basis of color.

So what does that leave us with as far as Vera Cooke is concerned...

- aside from the dismal numbers? - Everything that's not a number.

What's the commitment to deserving students in this room?

Oh, please. I mean, we've got top-notch minority applicants from...

- Andover, uh, Phillips Exeter... - Oh, this is completely outrageous, Leo.

You know exactly how I feel about giving this girl a chance.

I think we all want a reasonable solution. Leo?

Well, I have no objections to the wait list. Sally, how do you feel about that?

The w... The wait list? That's like falling into bureaucratic limbo.

Nobody ever gets in here on the wait list.

Can we, uh, move on, please?

Oh, my God.

It's from Ramsey.

Oh, it is.

Somebody's gotta open it.

I'll do it.

[Crying]

I'm so happy for you. [Sobbing]

You did it! You got into Ramsey.

- You did it. - But what about Marlon Browne?

[Laughs] Sixty, 70, 80, 90...

You look like a guy who's obviously gonna make it.

I'd better. I paid a thousand bucks to Bauer-Benedek.

They said stuff like this would look great on my application.

Did you hear anything yet?

Hey, cheer up. Have a bumper sticker on me.

- [Laughs] - [Horn Honks]

Come on, Ramsey. What's going on?

Now, I know this kid seems hopeless on paper...

but you gotta see this tape.

Now, I met him, and I think he's really got somethin'.

Oh, yeah? Better be a union card.

I don't know, Bob.

Do we really have time for this kind of tomfoolery?

[Bob] Well, we are running late, and tomorrow is the last day of admissions.

There are just so many openings left. I don't think this boy's folder warrants the time.

We used to have time for all types of kids.

- I'd like to see the tape. - You could give Flutter the tape.

I'm not gonna look at it. Besides, we gave you the Kailo girl.

- Remember? - No, Leo, you didn't give me anything.

I mean, we're supposed to find interesting students.

Now, I think Marlon Browne is one of them.

Take another look at Mr. Video's numbers.

I don't know, Bob. I've gotta give this kid two thumbs down on the Ramsey scale.

Dean, I think it's a tragedy if we're saying that the era of the still-searching...

doesn't-know-exactly- what-to-do-with-his-life kid is over here at Ramsey.

Yeah, well, it's canceled, all right, due to poor ratings.

- Do you understand, Hammett? - Yeah, I get it, Leo.

You got a new program... Leo, Dean of Admissions.

You know, I think I'd watch that show.

Well, I'm not gonna watch it because with Leo, Dean of Admissions...

calling the shots around here, myjob description sucks.

I don't wanna stay around here and watch you ruin a place I love.

So, Nina, looks like your lunch schedule's opening wide up.

Screw you, Leo. Excuse me.

[Door Closes]

[Door Opens, Closes]

Will you show me Marlon's tape?

Yeah. Sure.

- Come on in. - [Chuckles]

Hi. I'm Marlon Browne, and you wouldn't believe...

all the stuff I did trying to get into college.

Looking back, the juggling seems really pathetic.

I know it was a creative activity to put on my application and all...

but I can't believe tossing flaming sticks in the air...

is gonna qualify me as an interesting guy to have on campus.

- [Stick Falls, Rattles] - I felt I had to do something unusual...

- [Cackles] - [Marlon] But intramural, professional wrestling...

was never a workable idea.

[Yells, Grunts]

- [Laughing] - [Yelling Continues]

[Marlon Narrating] I was desperate. Everywhere I went, people told me...

how competitive it is to get into college these days.

Here's some advice, Marlon.

- Hope for a miracle. - That'll be $100.

[Marlon Narrating] I came face to face with the truth after my business failed.

I got it, you guys. Come on. Let's go!

Grow up, Marlon.

"Grow up." That really got to me.

It's something people tell me a lot. And what am I supposed to answer?

I'm growing as fast as I can?

Which brings me to the point of my story.

- Time to mature is what I need. Right, Willie? - Right.

Marlon's a great kid, really.

He just... He needs a little time to develop, like a fine wine.

If you give me a chance, I will be the most...

enthusiastic, open-minded student you have ever seen at Ramsey.

- We could really use the room. - [Laughs]

Come on, Marlon. Time for your next lesson.

Well, gotta go.

Please, consider me for Ramsey. I won't let you down.

- Leo's a pig. - [Chuckles]

Leo is six pigs.

- [Laughs] - Oh, God, I think I just got an idea.

[Dog Barking, Growling]

You. You're the mailman.

Yeah.

Who's it for?

[Barking, Growling Continues]

- Are you Marlon Browne? - Yes.

- It's for you. - Where's it from?

- Pennsylvania. - Pennsylvania.

Ramsey, Pennsylvania. Would you do me a favor and open it?

I can't look. L-I'm too nervous.

I'd love to.

- Marlon Browne? - Yes.

Congratulations.

I did it? I got into Ramsey? It's from Ramsey?

No. It's from Ed McMahon.

You may have already won $ 10 million.

I get the feeling we could double our endowment if we get a stronger student body...

Leo, I believe this folder escaped your attention.

Thank you, Sally.

Well, look who just walked in.

Mr. Grumpy decide to finish his tenure?

- Good to have you back, Kip. - Last chance to admit the reject du jour, Kip.

No, no. That's your department, Leo.

Au contraire, Kipster.

It's the likes of Leonard Edward Funt that catch my eye.

Listen to these numbers... 800 verbal, 760 math...

4.0 G.P.A.

Second-ranked in his class.

I wonder which sophomoric admissions officer kept this kid a secret. Kip?

Leo, let me see that. I don't remember hearing about this folder.

- Who were the readers? - I was.

- [Chuckles] That figures. - Oh, you too, Leo.

Me and Flutter?

- [Bob] Mm-hmm. - Let me see that folder.

Excuse me, Leo.

Good Lord, Leo, your comments are right here.

"Leonard Edward Funt is a first-rate specimen.

- Don't let him slip away." - [Leo] And I meant it.

I mean, just looking at those numbers makes my mouth water.

I say we send a limo unless Kip has an argument.

- What the hell. - Thank you, Kip.

Now, as the new dean, I'm gonna be making just a few changes.

First of all, I'll be getting a new paint job for the old Beemer.

So I'm gonna need two parking spaces.

I might have to bump you to the custodial parking lot. You mind?

Okay, Leo. Anything you say.

I'm beginning to like you, Flutter.

Maybe I won't move your office down to the basement.

Leo...

Uh, Mr. Funt has arrived, and Kip thought you might wanna say hello.

Leonard Edward Funt, the new pride of Ramsey?

Now we're gonna see the kind of student we should be admitting to Ramsey.

Now, Dean, I'm sure you'll enjoy meeting...

the kind of students we should be admitting here at Ramsey.

Students which I, as your successor, would be very proud...

to provide for these hallowed halls.

Leonard E. Funt is one of my personal prides.

- Leonard. - [Flutter Chuckling]

What is this thing?

It's not a thing, Leo. It's a pachyderm.

L.E. Funt.

The new pride of Ramsey. [Chuckles]

Leonard... Edward. "El-ee-funt."

Bob, please. You've got to agree with me...

that this prank is not gonna look good on Hammett's record.

What are you talking about? I quit, remember?

After fighting a losing battle to admit a few good human beings.

What's this?

This is a filthy beast and a stupid prank, compliments of Kip Hammett.

- Oh, and me. - Don't tell me this is Leonard Edward Funt.

Yes, it is, Chancellor.

- Joanna. - [Sally Chuckles]

He's got the perfect numbers. If these standards had been used when I applied...

you never would have admitted me.

And I think Ramsey and I were a perfect match.

So do I.

That's all we wanted to say. So good luck.

- See you later. - Wait!

Maybe we've gone overboard, Leo. Yes. I think they're right.

What do you suggest we do about this, Kip?

Well, uh, we do have a couple of suggestions.

What about Leonard? Is he going to Ramsey?

Flutter, with Leonard's numbers, he's got his heart set on Harvard.

[Laughing]

- [Laughs] - [Growls]

[Laughs]

Here, Leo. Have a happy future. [Laughs]

- [Lapping Water] - [Squealing]

So, Leonard...

Harvard, huh?

Harvard, huh?

[Man Vocalizing]

Thank you. Have a nice day. Come again.

It's from Ramsey.

I'm too scared, Ma. You open it.

[Vocalizing Continues]

[Man Singing]

You did it, baby.

I did it?

I got in?

- I got into college! - [Cheering]

[Singing Continues]

It's from Ramsey.

- I got accepted. - I got rejected.

- Bummer. - What's yours say?

It says, "Dear Laurie...

"congratulations on your acceptance at Ramsey College...

and we look forward to your... violin playing."

You play the oboe. I play the violin.

[Together] Shit.

Look, hon, it's from Ramsey.

Another wait list. Shall we file it with the rest?

Your mother and I are making a fire.

[Sobbing]

[Singing Continues]

[Singing Continues]

What happened?

I got into Ramsey.

Congratulations.

You're going through with it, huh? You're leaving?

I'll send you postcards, Browne.

I got a lot of miles to cover, and it all starts with the first step.

- Don't forget me. - Not in a million years.

[Singing Continues]

[Woman Giggling]

So, which direction are you headed?

We're traveling the world with unclaimed game show prizes.

Oh, Bob, can we take him with us? Please, Bob?

- Please! - Please, Bob. Take me with you.

- Oh, what the heck. Hop in, kid. - [Giggles]

[Vocalizing]

- Here he comes now. - Ronny! Ronny!

I would just like to say we are so proud to be signing here at Ramsey College.

- I mean, we're just thrilled... - Yo, chill, baby.

Football is a great game...

but it's only a game.

I think it was Plato who said it best when he said...

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

I'm grateful to the Ramsey football staff for its support...

but I've decided to dedicate my time here...

to more... intellectual pursuits.

Thank you.

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Sobbing]

Nice office.

Was it always this big?

Did it always have this many windows?

You're so impressed with the trappings of power.

I'm so impressed with powerful men.

- Yeah. - Did it always have the leather couch?

[Chuckles]

[Vocalizing]

[Fades]

[Laughs]

Two men, "A" and "B", are trapped inside my mailbox...

chained to 200,000 pounds of explosives.

This isn't funny, Marlon!

Come on, man. What test is this?

- Cut it out, Marlon! - If the chains are three inches thick...

and they have 30 seconds to escape, sawing at one inch per second...

what are their chances of survival?

Go on to the next question, Marlon! Go on! Skip it!

Come on, man! Get us out of here! Answer the question!

Who cares? I already got into college. [Chuckles]

Hey, who do you think you're kidding?

[Screams] We're gonna die.!

["B"] We're not gonna die. Marlon wouldn't kill us.

["A"] What are you talking about? We're in a mailbox.!

["B"] Come on, Marlon. Let us out.!

You made it.

Great. You made it. [Chuckles]

["A"] There's always graduate school.!

[Man Singing]

[Fades]