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1
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,321
T-minus awesome,
Richard.
2
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,722
Almost ready
to cut the ribbon.
3
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,325
Here's a little
opening night present.
4
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,659
This is a
demolition order!
5
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,329
You're not gonna tear down
my place for some fuckin' mouse!
6
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,131
I think it's a bird.
7
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:35,601
The endangered titmouseis protected by federal law...
8
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:38,370
and I...I killed it.
9
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,240
Resent me?
Why would you resent me?
10
00:00:42,744 --> 00:00:44,743
Me and my buddies
11
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:48,280
are the species that
need to be protected!
12
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,816
And that's why I'm running
for city council!
13
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,685
No you don't,
Richard Fitzpatrick!
14
00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,487
That is my seat in council!
15
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,690
Mine!
Chester, no, calm down!
16
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,561
[loud commotion]
17
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,831
Not the bar!
Not the bar!
18
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:09,301
Fuck!
19
00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:15,407
This sap has spenthis whole life
20
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,309
doing what he's told.
21
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,812
And what has hegot to show for it?
22
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,447
A ponytail.
23
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,715
A polyester blend shirt.
24
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,317
And Dockers.
25
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,453
Dockers!
26
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:29,321
Someone's got toteach this chump
27
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,523
that life is for living.
28
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,826
That fortune favoursthe bold.
29
00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:36,495
And that rules aremade to be broken.
30
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:40,332
I've done my research.
This is the car for me.
31
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,101
It sure is.
32
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:45,204
A nice, mild, dependable car
33
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:49,541
that assures everyone
that you are not a threat.
34
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:52,177
Not like that monster.
35
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:54,813
That car
needs a real man.
36
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,749
Someone willing
to slide inside her
37
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,585
and take control.
38
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:03,422
A man who knows when
to ride her hard,
39
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,524
and when to be gentle.
40
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:08,627
So let me ask you...
41
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,362
...are you that man?
42
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,304
Nice work.
43
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,839
What about my tip?
44
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,341
Oh, don't worry, baby.
45
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,276
Fitzy would never
leave you hanging...
46
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,479
Hey!
47
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,414
You may have a thirty
percent stake here
48
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,183
but we're still
your bosses.
49
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,318
So I only have to listen to you
thirty percent of the time.
50
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,220
You have to listen to us
seventy percent of the time.
51
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,156
All of the time.
All of the time!
52
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:39,224
Which means you
play by our rules.
53
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:41,860
High card fucks
the camel first?
[chuckles]
54
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,296
The used car lot
code of ethics.
55
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:45,831
Rule number one...
56
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,199
Here's your cut
of the commission.
57
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,501
Perhaps rules is too harsh.
58
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,737
Consider these guidelines.
Suggestions.
59
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:52,838
Cousin.
Cousin.
60
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,806
Hey, wonder twins.
Take it outside.
61
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,942
Cousin! Cousin!
Cousin! Cousin!
62
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,610
Break all the rules.
63
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,746
That's the onlyrule that matters.
64
00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:03,849
And I follow it religiously.
65
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,217
COUSIN!
66
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:16,395
♪
67
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,331
All right, shitbirds.
68
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,398
We've got a long day
ahead of us
69
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,633
and a lot of ground to cover.
70
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,802
"Operation Elect Fitz"
is twenty-four hours old,
71
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:58,237
and I'm not even
on the ballot.
72
00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,972
You need to tell Larry that
I'm your campaign manager.
73
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,306
I think we can all agree
74
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,342
that I'm the most
qualified for the job.
75
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,776
[laughs]
On what grounds?
76
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,278
I brought snacks.
77
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,846
Snacks?
That's your contribution?
78
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,648
Fitz would never pick you.
79
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,984
To win, he needs
someone ruthless.
80
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:13,919
Cutthroat.
81
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,588
Someone who isn't afraid
to break a few rules -
82
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,590
or spines -
83
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,559
To get the job done.
84
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,628
If I am chosen to be
the campaign manager,
85
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:26,331
I promise to do my best,
to do my duty...
86
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,267
to God and My Country...
87
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,568
Hey, Fitz...
88
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,869
Wanna get high?
89
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,739
Josh McTaggart takes the lead.
90
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,911
Anytime, Josh.
Thank you.
91
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:47,452
♪
92
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:52,591
[whistles]
93
00:04:53,826 --> 00:04:55,394
Nice cover.
94
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:56,928
Nope.
Sinatra.
95
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,463
Original 45s.
96
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,466
No, cover for the
high stakes game.
97
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:01,466
Vinnie here?
98
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:05,337
No Vinnie here.
And no poker, either.
99
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,805
I'm not vice, Fuckjuggler.
100
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,441
Tell Vinnie Ken
Fitzpatrick's here
101
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,343
and he wants a real game.
102
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,712
With real men.
103
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,947
Can't believe all
the gay shit going on.
104
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,416
Tore out the track.
105
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,851
They turned the bar
into a yoga studio.
106
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,854
It's faggot fucking Friday
every goddamn day.
107
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,460
Mr. DiNovi died a year ago
108
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,996
and I got this
dump on the cheap.
109
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,398
I sanded the wooden floors
110
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,667
and redid the bad
seventies stucco
111
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,669
with these two Homo hands.
112
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:43,775
And that Wurlitzer
is original from Vegas.
113
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,611
My asshole son would
blow a load for this.
114
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,080
Explains your
homophobia.
115
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:49,414
Your son is
probably gay.
116
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:51,583
No one calls my
son gay except me.
117
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:52,751
You not buying, get out.
118
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,053
You're asking me to leave?
I'm telling you to.
119
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,055
This is my turf,
you colon cowboy.
120
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,957
You know how much it
cost me to get here?
121
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,459
And now how am I
supposed to survive?
122
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,127
No track, no bookie...
123
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:04,463
It's about time this
dumpy strip of beach
124
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:05,931
was brought up to code.
125
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,366
Gay code.
126
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,968
Real men don't want fucking
nail bars and antiques!
127
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,403
Real men?
128
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:14,139
You think Frank and Dean
never got lonely on the road?
129
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,507
Shut your fucking mouth...
130
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,842
And don't get me started
131
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,977
about the pants parties
JFK used to throw.
132
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,480
You lying sack of ass.
133
00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,650
Ugh!
134
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:33,658
♪
135
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,160
I'm alive!
136
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,597
Ken Fitzpatrick is alive!
137
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,165
Stupid Fitzpatrick!
138
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,800
Kills my titmouse!
139
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,068
Crashes my convention!
140
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:47,005
Thinks. He. Can.
Run. For. Office!
141
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,745
Chester, honey,
what's wrong?
142
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:56,748
Nothing's wrong, Ali.
143
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,750
What gives you that idea?
144
00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,918
Uh...
145
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:07,626
You can't really
be mad at Fitz.
146
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:09,194
His bar closed
because of you.
147
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,863
For the good of the
speckled titmouse, Ali.
148
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,665
An innocent victim
of human encroachment
149
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,535
that needs our protection
from selfish predators
150
00:07:15,537 --> 00:07:17,203
like Richard Fitzpatrick.
151
00:07:17,205 --> 00:07:18,203
Chester,
I told you...
152
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,806
what happened between
me and Fitz
153
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,808
was pre-wedding jitters.
154
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,643
He just happened
to be in the car.
155
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,145
We didn't do anything,
I swear to -
156
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,614
I swear to God.
157
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,818
He's so sleazy,
but everyone loves him.
158
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,655
You have nothing
to worry about.
159
00:07:34,657 --> 00:07:36,655
Though I do admit...
160
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:40,892
it would make life easier
if he didn't exist.
161
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,867
Richard...
this is an historic moment.
162
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,035
And it should be documented.
163
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,736
Document this.
164
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,205
Actually, don't.
165
00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:54,706
Last thing I need
166
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,608
is you taking photos of me
bribing the election officials.
167
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,776
Richard, no.
168
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,579
Unlike one Dot Foxley
who shall remain nameless,
169
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,781
you can play by the rules
and still get the job done.
170
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,183
You don't have to cut corners
to be a person of action.
171
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,952
What the hell's gotten
into you, lady-parts?
172
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,887
You're even more
irritating than usual.
173
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,589
You said you wanted
to run for office.
174
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,891
That is not a statement
to make lightly.
175
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,493
You're asking
people to sacrifice
176
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,128
their time, their money,
their values for your cause!
177
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:19,798
So?
Just promise me you'll
do this by the book.
178
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,735
I promise, Larry.
179
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,537
No money will trade hands.
180
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:34,012
[moaning]
181
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,516
Now I'll add your name
to the nomination list,
182
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,985
and we're... we're...
we're...
183
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:44,556
[moaning]
184
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,926
[beep]
185
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,294
That's strange.
186
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,862
You're not in the computer.
187
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,565
According to this,
you don't even exist.
188
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,605
Okay, I talked to
the election committee,
189
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,574
and even though you've
been erroneously deleted
190
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,975
from the city's
computer system,
191
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,944
they are willing to
put you on the ballot.
192
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,546
What's the catch?
193
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:10,282
It's not that bad...
actually.
194
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:12,951
Twenty people need to sign
this nomination support form.
195
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,320
But I already signed,
so you only need nineteen more.
196
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,955
Fuck.
197
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,957
Oh, and they need your
driver's license.
198
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,793
And passport...
and birth certificate.
199
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,628
Original long form...
200
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,330
...by 5pm on Friday.
201
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,165
FUCK!
202
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:31,236
[starts engine]
203
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:33,905
But...
204
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,977
[phone rings]
205
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,913
How many times do I have to
tell you tenacious cum bubbles,
206
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,616
I don't want to save on
my long distance plan!
207
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:45,750
Nice.
208
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,319
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
209
00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:49,054
Who the fuck is this?
210
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,255
Listen, jelly bean.
211
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,057
You stole that Wurlitzerfrom my shop.
212
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,325
I want it back.
213
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:54,960
Don't know whatyou're talking about.
214
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,628
You've got twenty-four hours.
215
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,830
After that,
I'll take it by force.
216
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,931
Bullshit.
217
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,633
If you guys
had any real claim
218
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,335
to some jukebox
you think I have,
219
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:04,803
you'd have already
called the cops.
220
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,171
Who needs the cops.
221
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,806
I've got the gay mafia.
222
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:11,242
That's a myth.
Like Santa Claus or dolphins.
223
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,111
Open your eyes.We're everywhere.
224
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,646
And there'snothing we won't do
225
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:15,780
for a sixer of coolers
226
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,183
and some amyl nitrate.
227
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:28,927
♪
228
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,362
Holy shit.
229
00:10:30,364 --> 00:10:32,697
You've got no idea, sunshine.
230
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:35,233
We make up ten percent
of the planet's population.
231
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:38,203
That's six-hundredmillion of us.
232
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,371
I knew that!
233
00:10:39,373 --> 00:10:40,839
No, you didn't.
234
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,241
Fuck.
235
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,679
You seen my
birth certificate?
236
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,814
You have got to be
fucking kidding.
237
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,317
Six months I've been stuck
in this mental hospital
238
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,285
with no contact from
the outside world.
239
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,720
What the fuck are
you bitching about?
240
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,122
You got three hots and a cot.
241
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,923
It's so depressing here.
242
00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:00,925
There's no cable.
243
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,394
No dice for the board-games.
244
00:11:02,396 --> 00:11:06,264
And all everyone does is whine
about their lousy childhoods.
245
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,133
Molested.
Molested.
246
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,001
Molester...
247
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,302
Hey.
248
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,071
Do you know where it is
or don't you?
249
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,073
You're so selfish.
250
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,441
What do I get?
251
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,210
Ooh!
252
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,311
I've got gum.
253
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,147
Ooh!
Give it to me.
254
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,950
Mmm.
Yummy.
255
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,692
After SOMEONE burned
my house down,
256
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,061
I gave my important
papers to Daddy.
257
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,229
Fuck.
You know where he kept them?
258
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,700
My gosh.
This gum is so delicious.
259
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,802
I'd sure love to
have some for late-
260
00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:48,106
He kept all his important
stuff in his safe.
261
00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:49,474
And he's got that in Miami.
262
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,809
Hooo!
263
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:53,812
Fuck!
264
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,081
Oh yeah!
I got some gum.
265
00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:06,458
♪
266
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:11,029
I just don't feel right
267
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,897
arriving without a
housewarming gift.
268
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,365
It's the first rule
of proper etiquette.
269
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,768
Listen, fabric softener -
this is a surgical strike.
270
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,303
We get in,
get my birth certificate,
271
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:19,838
and get back home.
272
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:20,972
It's getting down
to the wire.
273
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,941
It wouldn't be if we hadn't
driven around all night
274
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,409
looking for Carlita's.
275
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,477
I can't believe she moved
276
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:28,079
and didn't send a
forwarding address.
277
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,347
Open up, ass-leak.
278
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,349
Just a minute, please!
279
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,951
[cocks shotgun]
Ken sure sounds happy.
280
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,222
Hold your fire!
It's your son!
281
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:39,924
And Larry!
282
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,796
What do you mean
Carlita's is gone?
283
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,498
Fucking gay mafia
paved paradise
284
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,099
and put up a parking lot.
285
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,934
It's actually
a Bed, Bath and Beyond.
286
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,503
They've ruined the whole
fucking neighbourhood.
287
00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:53,503
The gay mafia?
288
00:12:53,505 --> 00:12:55,106
Christ, they move in the
shadows, like ninjas...
289
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,241
who love cock.
290
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,343
Why would the gay mafia
give a shit about you?
291
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,345
I'm a fresh piece of meat.
292
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,247
What the fuck are you
doing here, anyway?
293
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,482
I need my birth certificate.
And not the fake one.
294
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,217
Figures you'd need something.
295
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,953
Well, this time,no more freebies.
296
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:12,357
I'm tired of being
Mr. Nice Guy.
297
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,492
I want out of Miami
with my Wurlitzer.
298
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,094
No fucking way.
299
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,930
It's a gift
for your shithole lounge.
300
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,098
Aw, really?
301
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,167
Of course not, Polly-anal.
302
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,170
What's so important
about this piece of shit?
303
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,939
Did you get even more retarded
in the last three minutes?
304
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,174
I told you.
305
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:32,844
Those intestine inspectors
took away my ability to earn,
306
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:35,847
so I'm taking this
Wurlitzer from them.
307
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:39,951
It's my new nest egg
worth forty large.
308
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,420
And it comes with me.
Or you get shit.
309
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,191
Fuck. Fine.
310
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,126
But we're taking your wheels.
311
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,360
And the blow.
312
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,095
You can't travel
with the cocaines.
313
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:52,897
What if we get caught?
314
00:13:55,434 --> 00:14:06,444
♪
315
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,047
Fuckin' hurry up, Larry.
Got it.
316
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,455
Wait!
I forgot something.
317
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,290
The fruit!
WHERE?
318
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,261
It's okay!
I found it.
319
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:43,648
The fuck is this?
320
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:46,384
It's not a border crossing.
It's not even on the map.
321
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,126
[nervous chuckle]
322
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,995
How you
doin' this afternoon, officer?
323
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:01,399
Pineapple, huh?
324
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,067
I love pineapple.
325
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,669
It's nature's pharmacy.
326
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,271
Full of nutrients,
cures irregularity,
327
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,039
keeps the old kidneys clean.
328
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:11,242
Even prevents the
formation of plaque.
329
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,245
Well, if good
nutrition is illegal,
330
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,080
then I guess
I'm guilty as charged.
331
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,583
You're also guilty of
transporting quarantined fruit
332
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,385
out of a restricted zone.
333
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:21,386
Huh?
334
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,454
Out of the fucking car!
335
00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:27,392
Please don't find the gun...
336
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:28,393
Please don't find the drugs...
337
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:29,627
Please don't find the gun...
338
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,562
Please don't find the drugs...
339
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,132
Richard, this is your first
test as a public official.
340
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,267
So whatever your instinct
is telling you to do -
341
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,202
do the exact opposite.
342
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,038
Just be honest, answer all
her questions truthfully,
343
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,272
and we will get
out of this mess...
344
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,974
Or you'll get killed
in the crossfire.
345
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,409
What?
Please kill him
in the crossfire.
346
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,044
Please let Richard
get killed...
347
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,645
Well well well...
348
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:50,214
I hope someone can explain...
349
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:52,083
...this.
350
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,653
Why does the FBI give
a shit about fruit?
351
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,956
That's all the
FBI cares about.
352
00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:01,125
FBI: Federal Botany
Investigator.
353
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,527
What did you think
it stood for?
354
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,029
That other Government agency?
355
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:06,264
Yes.
356
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,199
You're a fruit cop?
357
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,568
Figures those bitches would
have their own police force.
358
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,704
I'm an agricultural agent.
359
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,406
And you've broken several
federal vegetation laws
360
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,275
with this one bag
of fruit alone.
361
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,143
You could each be
looking at 50...
362
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,479
maybe 75...
363
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,983
...dollar fines.
364
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,017
Fork it over -
365
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,285
before she calls
the real cops!
366
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,319
What?
367
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,322
This badge doesn't
make me a real cop?
368
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,225
What about this gun?
369
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,194
You think it's fake?
Do you?
370
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,996
No one doubts your
credentials, ma'am.
371
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,263
But Jimmy Buffet here
372
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,232
is worried about
the "real cops."
373
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,434
Agricultural crime
is serious business.
374
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,536
And I'm the last
line of defence.
375
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,039
Four years, three months,
two days, six hours
376
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,108
I've manned this
station alone.
377
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,676
Protecting temperate
farming regions
378
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:56,014
from invasive subtropical
species, smuggling and fraud.
379
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,782
[chuckles]
Fruit fraud.
380
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,018
You think that's funny.
381
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,754
Want to hear
something else funny?
382
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:04,455
[loud bangs]
383
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,626
I think the stress of her job
384
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,561
is making Agent
Nelson a little...
385
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,030
sensitive.
386
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,365
Our best bet is
to remain calm.
387
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,268
Everyone [exhales]
just stay calm.
388
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,803
Do you know who I am?
389
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,172
I'm Ken Fucking Fitzpatrick!
390
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,807
And I want out!
I want out!
391
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,375
Well, boys -
392
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,277
looks like your day
just went from bad
393
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,645
to shit-storm.
394
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,714
Your credit card isn't valid,
395
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,082
which isn't surprising,
396
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,817
since according
to my computer,
397
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,219
you don't even exist.
398
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,421
Fuck...
399
00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,322
Oh, I can explain that.
400
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,691
How about I explain it to you?
401
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:44,429
Mr. X here heads up a
fruit smuggling syndicate
402
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:48,599
that I've been trying to prove
exists for about a decade.
403
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,101
No, actually.
404
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,469
His name is Mr. Fitzpatrick
405
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,838
and we can prove his identity
with his birth certificate.
406
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,575
And a birth certificate
couldn't possibly be forged.
407
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,310
You smuggle fruit.
408
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,145
There's nothing
you wouldn't do.
409
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,147
I'll get the truth out of you.
410
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,283
Out of all of you.
411
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:12,290
Eenie meenie miney...
412
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,691
Moe!
413
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,460
Nominations close
at five o'clock-
414
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:21,432
And it looks like Daddy
will be running unopposed.
415
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,668
See, I told you.
416
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,470
Hmm?
Didn't I tell you?
417
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,573
A little insurance
never hurts.
418
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:29,807
Chester...
419
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,276
I merely suggested to some
people I know at City Hall
420
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,345
that if Fitz was
somehow accidentally
421
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,580
deleted from the system...
422
00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:37,215
maybe they'd get
a little raise.
423
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,317
You bribed a city official
424
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,285
to help you steal
the election?
425
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,555
That's so underhanded...
426
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,357
so sleazy...
427
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:49,427
so Fitz...
428
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,830
Ali, we agreed...
429
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,666
I don't want the baby
to see my weewee.
430
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,183
Your computer is wrong.
431
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,852
His name is Richard
Fitzpatrick...
432
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,355
it's a funny story,
actually.
433
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,823
Richard is running
for public office
434
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,858
and his competition deleted
him from the system
435
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,360
to keep him
off the ballot.
436
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,295
[nervous chuckle]
437
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,730
Computers never lie.
438
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,398
Or make fun of your job.
439
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,566
Or sleep with your supervisor
440
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:30,368
to get you transferred
to the middle of nowhere
441
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,737
instead of just
breaking up with you.
442
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,172
We had to go to Miami
443
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,406
to get Fitz's
birth certificate.
444
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,574
And now we're
heading to City Hall
445
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,177
to register him in time
for the election and...
446
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:42,480
No.
Dear God.
447
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,549
No. No! No!
448
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,584
[SCREAMS]
449
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,919
Hang in there, Larry!
450
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:50,288
Don't give that fuck
the satisfaction!
451
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,856
It stings!A lot!
452
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:54,559
Now Larry?
I'd vote for him.
453
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,527
You'd vote for that
cum-sock over me?
454
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,962
I'd never vote for you.
455
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,530
I'll remember that
when I've won.
456
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,831
And you'll never win.
457
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,367
Because no one could
give two shits about you.
458
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:05,970
[SCREAMS]
I deserve this.
459
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:08,306
It's justice.
Karma.
460
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,308
I'm sorry I killed you,
little titmouse.
461
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,909
It was an accident.
462
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:15,746
Let me guess.
It was endangered too.
463
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,782
You sadistic freak.
464
00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:25,823
Oh yeah.
465
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,593
It's a fruit.
466
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,596
[gagging sounds]
467
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,297
The only hope you'd
have of winning
468
00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,433
is to change everything
about yourself,
469
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,602
you unlikable puke.
470
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,403
You're right-
I know I'm right.
471
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,472
Not you, you piss rag.
472
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,474
Play along,
or shut the fuck up.
473
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,443
Agent Nelson!
474
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:51,582
You're right.
475
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,950
Richard Fitzpatrick
doesn't exist.
476
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:54,385
It's a cover identity.
477
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:55,720
My real name...
478
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:57,722
is Chester Vince.
479
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:03,561
I've been under deep
cover for months now.
480
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:06,897
International
tomato smugglers.
481
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,532
Your diligence has revealed
482
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,434
a critical flaw in my cover;
483
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,304
one that could get me killed.
484
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:15,373
I owe you my life, agent.
485
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,974
Sure you do.
486
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,676
You don't believe me?
487
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:19,944
Let me call my handler,
488
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:22,546
He'll bring my
real ID down here.
489
00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:25,316
I get a phone call anyway.
Don't I?
490
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:44,001
One call.
491
00:21:44,003 --> 00:21:46,003
It's all I need.
492
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:47,872
What the fuck?
493
00:21:47,874 --> 00:21:49,840
I'm who matters here!
494
00:22:09,728 --> 00:22:12,730
Richard, we'll never make
it back to town by 5pm!
495
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:14,065
We're going to make it.
496
00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:16,567
Hey, syphilis breath,
wait for me.
497
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:18,602
Eat the corn from my shit,
old man!
498
00:22:18,604 --> 00:22:20,071
Ew!
He's your father.
499
00:22:20,073 --> 00:22:21,472
The only one you'll ever have.
500
00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:22,606
We can't leave him here.
501
00:22:22,608 --> 00:22:24,942
Fine.
Birth certificate, now!
502
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:26,510
We had a deal!
503
00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:29,013
Birth certificate, or I
leave you with the fruit cop.
504
00:22:33,051 --> 00:22:35,720
Here.
505
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:37,655
Take it, Larry.
506
00:22:37,657 --> 00:22:38,956
Ugh...
507
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:46,364
[loud gunfire]
508
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,466
Brotherfuckers!
509
00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:51,035
Chester, I know you have...
510
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:53,035
strong feelings about Fitz,
511
00:22:53,037 --> 00:22:54,472
but this is no way
to win an election.
512
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:55,606
Why not?
513
00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:58,743
I'm being ruthless.
Cutthroat.
514
00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:00,378
I thought you were into that.
515
00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:02,646
Chester...
Chester, come back.
516
00:23:03,615 --> 00:23:05,716
Cutthroat men don't pout!
517
00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:08,686
[phone rings]
518
00:23:10,088 --> 00:23:13,023
Hello?
519
00:23:16,762 --> 00:23:20,498
Let me see if I have this
straight, Agent Nelson...
520
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,100
My husband, Chester Vince,
521
00:23:23,102 --> 00:23:26,637
just broke out of an
agricultural station?
522
00:23:26,639 --> 00:23:29,507
Oh, a maximum security
agricultural station.
523
00:23:31,843 --> 00:23:34,178
Was my husband
wearing sunglasses
524
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:36,847
and too much cologne?
525
00:23:36,849 --> 00:23:38,649
Really?
526
00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:41,185
And where was he headed?
527
00:23:41,187 --> 00:23:42,953
City Hall?
528
00:23:42,955 --> 00:23:44,488
Thank you.
529
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,592
It can't be...
530
00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:02,006
Tell me you've got
the signatures.
531
00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:03,174
Signed, sealed and
delivered, man.
532
00:24:03,176 --> 00:24:04,708
No thanks to this
misfiring synapse.
533
00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:05,776
Whose bright idea was it
534
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,012
to put Josh in charge
of the nomination form?
535
00:24:08,014 --> 00:24:09,180
Hey!
536
00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:10,781
This is the last thing
I'll ever need from you,
537
00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:12,516
you diabetic piss stain-
538
00:24:12,518 --> 00:24:13,751
There's only nineteen names.
539
00:24:13,753 --> 00:24:15,052
What are you talking about?
540
00:24:15,054 --> 00:24:16,887
Number seven is fake.
541
00:24:16,889 --> 00:24:18,022
Betty Drillzer.
542
00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,457
Except for your signature
543
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,058
supporting my run
for city council!
544
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:23,794
[laughs]
545
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,796
Fuck you!
Never!
546
00:24:27,065 --> 00:24:29,733
Find someone else to sign it!
Where?
547
00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:31,101
I'll sign it.
548
00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:34,505
You will?
549
00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:37,975
What are you doing here?
Who cares?
550
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,243
Are you kidding me?
551
00:24:39,245 --> 00:24:41,912
Richard Fitzpatrick
makes good on a promise?
552
00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:43,180
Any promise?
553
00:24:43,182 --> 00:24:46,550
I had to come and
see this for myself.
554
00:24:46,552 --> 00:24:47,952
Running for office.
555
00:24:47,954 --> 00:24:49,920
That's really something.
556
00:24:49,922 --> 00:24:51,188
Something big...
557
00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:53,188
Don't ruin this by saying
something about your penis.
558
00:24:53,190 --> 00:24:54,925
Blah blah unrequited
blah blah.
559
00:24:54,927 --> 00:24:56,060
Sign!
560
00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:10,241
Richard,
we did it!
561
00:25:10,243 --> 00:25:11,441
And we did it
by following the rules.
562
00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:15,246
[bells tolling]Except for lying toa federal officer -
563
00:25:15,248 --> 00:25:16,247
Shut the fuck up, Larry!
564
00:25:16,249 --> 00:25:17,848
Done and done, sir!
565
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:23,821
♪
566
00:25:23,823 --> 00:25:26,690
[bell tolling]
567
00:25:27,759 --> 00:25:32,763
[chuckling]
568
00:25:32,765 --> 00:25:34,732
See ya!
See ya!
569
00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:41,539
Well,
congratulations.
570
00:25:42,974 --> 00:25:44,875
No thanks to you.
571
00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:46,010
Prove it.
572
00:25:46,978 --> 00:25:48,646
Maybe later.
573
00:25:48,648 --> 00:25:50,948
Right now, I've got
an election to win.
574
00:25:50,950 --> 00:25:52,783
Know what, Fitz?
575
00:25:52,785 --> 00:25:54,183
You might have taken
this round.
576
00:25:54,185 --> 00:25:56,253
But the battle's not over
until the fat lady...
577
00:25:56,255 --> 00:25:57,821
The war's not over
'til the battle's...
578
00:25:57,823 --> 00:25:59,189
Chester Vince?
WHAT?
579
00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:00,858
FBI!
580
00:26:01,993 --> 00:26:05,596
[struggling]
[chuckling]
46282
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