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1
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:11,810
Jaffa Cake, Jaffa Cake, baker's man...
2
00:00:11,860 --> 00:00:13,530
Did the Jaffa Cake guys come up with that
3
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,050
or did the rhyme precede the
invention of Jaffa Cakes?
4
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,050
- It's "pat-a-cake".
- Fuck off!
5
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,490
- It is.
- Pat-a-cake?
6
00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:22,490
That doesn't make sense.
You don't pat a cake.
7
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:24,130
"Good cake. Well done, cake."
8
00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:25,250
It's a nursery rhyme.
9
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:28,180
It'll be something to do with
the plague, they always are.
10
00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,530
Is everything all right?
11
00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:34,490
Do you want to fuck Mike and Jan?
12
00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:36,570
- Why? What have they said?
- No, just objectively.
13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,330
Do you want to fuck
them when you see them?
14
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:41,930
No. But I'm not really a
"fuck on sight" kind of guy.
15
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:44,450
I think you should want to fuck bar staff.
16
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:47,010
You come in, you see
them, want to fuck them,
17
00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:49,410
and then you buy more drinks
cos you want to be around them.
18
00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:50,850
Does this apply in all retail?
19
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,650
Should I want to fuck
Fat Chris at the Londis?
20
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:54,890
Would I buy more milk?
21
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:57,890
Probably. More fuckable staff
could increase footfall.
22
00:00:57,940 --> 00:00:59,850
You know Q3 footfall is down.
23
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:02,250
- What's down?
- Footfall in the pub.
24
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:03,330
Brilliant.
25
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:05,970
Do you think footfall
means people tripping over?
26
00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:07,020
No.
27
00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:11,330
Let's be careful how we alter
the Barleycorn experience.
28
00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:14,010
It's grown organically over many years.
29
00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:16,410
This is a pub, not a YouTube channel.
30
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:18,610
It just seemed better
when I was fostered here.
31
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:21,010
Permanently packed out.
32
00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,410
A Golden Age...
33
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,660
I'm not sure about golden...
34
00:01:43,740 --> 00:01:45,730
I just think the place needs a fresh look.
35
00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:47,370
Some visual Viagra.
36
00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:49,530
No. We just have to keep providing people
37
00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:51,570
with the chemicals that
stop "the feeling".
38
00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:53,970
As long as we help keep
"the feeling" at bay,
39
00:01:54,020 --> 00:01:55,300
we're doing our job.
40
00:01:58,620 --> 00:02:00,730
Geoff, you like Mike and Jan, don't you?
41
00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:02,850
- From Bucks Fizz?
- Our bar staff.
42
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:04,330
Oh, yeah. I love them.
43
00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,850
- Yeah. - Could you maybe be
more vocal in your praise?
44
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:10,090
Andrew doesn't think
they're fuckable enough.
45
00:02:10,140 --> 00:02:12,010
Apparently, everything's
got to be sexy now.
46
00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:14,290
They use sex to sell everything
these days, don't they?
47
00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:16,570
- Perfume, cars, condoms...
- Very true.
48
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:18,860
Lube, that's another one.
49
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:28,410
It just might be interesting to
see if we can get a new crowd in.
50
00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:29,570
I agree.
51
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:32,250
Oh, Cass. Dad's sports jacket.
52
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,490
Cancer Research Shop? Hospice Care Shop?
53
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:36,010
It's quite hipstery, actually.
54
00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:38,210
- So cancer.
- Yep, cancer has a younger vibe.
55
00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:42,330
We shouldn't fix things if
they ain't, or aren't, broke...
56
00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:43,370
.. n.
57
00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:44,890
You change personnel at your peril.
58
00:02:44,940 --> 00:02:46,250
Look at Spooks.
59
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:49,090
Well, as a semi-Buddhist, I
believe all change is good.
60
00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:51,690
Our atoms completely
change each year, Stephen.
61
00:02:51,740 --> 00:02:53,490
All of the atoms in our bodies.
62
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:54,610
That's science.
63
00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:57,290
All of the atoms that make up
our bodies completely change
64
00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,810
- each year? - Uh-huh.
- Every single atom?
65
00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:01,890
- Yes, they do.
- What about tattoos?
66
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,690
So, any of your signature
brainwaves, Andrew?
67
00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:06,330
I think, first and foremost,
68
00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:09,330
the John Barleycorn needs to look
like an authentic country pub.
69
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:10,810
Great, it already does.
70
00:03:10,860 --> 00:03:12,570
Because it is an authentic country pub.
71
00:03:12,620 --> 00:03:14,250
But it doesn't LOOK authentic.
72
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,410
Yes, forgive my pressing this point
73
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:19,370
but it's authentic because
it is what it is. Do you see?
74
00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:22,770
And to me, something actually being
authentic is more authentic than
75
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,490
something fake that looks authentic.
76
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:28,050
- N-yeah...
- I can see what Andrew's getting at.
77
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:29,530
Of course you can.
78
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:33,130
Just imagine -- refectory
tables, reclaimed church pews,
79
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,930
old mismatched wooden library
chairs painted white.
80
00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:37,930
Distressed and old-fashioned
is attractive.
81
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:41,170
I'm distressed and old-fashioned
and I haven't had sex in 22 months.
82
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:44,050
Look, we've just had a
refurb and it cost a lot.
83
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,210
We can't just defurb the refurb.
84
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,090
We could just do the snug
in Andrew's style as a test.
85
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,210
I could get that done for under £500.
86
00:03:51,260 --> 00:03:53,770
- Mates in the trade.
- I knew you'd have mates in the trade.
87
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,890
You're such a
mates-in-the-trade kind of guy.
88
00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,330
Do you want to help me out? You
look like you've got a good eye.
89
00:03:58,380 --> 00:03:59,530
Do I? Thanks.
90
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,010
Yeah. I'd love to.
91
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:02,610
Cass? Looks a bit cancery?
92
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:04,330
Oh, yes. That's pure cancer.
93
00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:06,020
Could I... try that on?
94
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,180
Ooh.
95
00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:11,290
That wouldn't be weird, would it?
96
00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:12,460
No.
97
00:04:16,820 --> 00:04:18,780
It could've been made for you.
98
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:28,730
Stephen, would you rather have it?
99
00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:30,780
I'm not sure Dad's clothes fit me.
100
00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:37,650
Oh, Mike, you got my...?
101
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:38,810
Oh, God, yeah, of course.
102
00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,050
Sorry, Geoff. There you go.
103
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,450
- Cheers. - What's that?
- It's Geoff's float.
104
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,450
- It's my float.
- What do you mean "float"?
105
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,170
For sundries and incidentals, you know.
106
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,570
You mean for the pub?
107
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:52,690
- No. - You just get a fiver from
the till for your... sundries?
108
00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:55,490
Packet of mints, batteries,
pens... Odds and sods, you know.
109
00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:56,570
You get this every day?
110
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,610
- Yeah. - And how long
has this been happening?
111
00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:00,210
- Mike?
- Six years?
112
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:02,290
- About six years.
- Why have I never known about this?
113
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,650
I've hidden it from you. I
thought you'd get cross.
114
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,770
- Your dad was fine with it.
- I'm not fine with it.
115
00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:08,690
Precisely why I hid my behaviour.
116
00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:11,330
QED, Stephen.
117
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,770
- Oh, Mike...
- What is it, boss man?
118
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,970
I just want to say to you now, Mike,
119
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,140
that you are so fuckable.
120
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:20,890
Right. Thanks, Geoff.
121
00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:24,570
- Geoff, this isn't what...
- I would happily give you a big old fuck.
122
00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:28,090
You've got a big fuckable face
and I would cheerfully bend you
123
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:31,450
over this bar and fuck you
in every available hole.
124
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:32,890
Stop, now, Geoff! This is too much.
125
00:05:32,940 --> 00:05:34,170
No, I'm getting into it.
126
00:05:34,220 --> 00:05:36,370
Do you want to know
what hole I'd start with?
127
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,370
So, is Operation Snug going to
be possible? A boutique makeover?
128
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,570
Absolutely.
129
00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:45,690
Stephen's brilliant refurb was
a great first step on a journey
130
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:48,090
which may take us in a
completely different direction.
131
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,170
Excellent.
132
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:50,810
We've got some UMCs on table six.
133
00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,170
UMCs?
134
00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,850
Unreasonable Moaning Cunts.
135
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,850
Hospitality slang. I thought
you'd worked in restaurants?
136
00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:59,050
- What's the make-up?
- One couple and a floating single.
137
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:01,810
They said the lamb was too well
done, the broccoli was "limp"
138
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:04,210
- and the gravy was granules.
- Was the gravy granules?
139
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:05,490
The gravy was granules, yes.
140
00:06:05,540 --> 00:06:07,940
- Target the single, they're weaker.
- Copy that.
141
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,370
I'm so sorry that there's
been a problem with your food.
142
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:17,130
- Thank you, no, that's...
- Do you think a meal is about eating food?
143
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,570
I tend to, yes.
144
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,330
Very telling. A meal is also
about service and ambience,
145
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,010
both of which have been appalling.
146
00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:24,850
- Appalling?!
- Do you use gravy granules?
147
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,010
- Never!
- That's a lie.
148
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:27,050
OK, wait a second...
149
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,250
Erm, friendly bit of
advice -- eat elsewhere.
150
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,810
Food is poor, the service is poor.
151
00:06:30,860 --> 00:06:32,610
Hey! Can you stop saying that?
152
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,690
This isn't North Korea.
153
00:06:33,740 --> 00:06:36,250
We have free speech and
TripAdvisor accounts,
154
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,370
as you'll soon learn.
155
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:39,660
Come on!
156
00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:44,210
Now, this pew...
157
00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:46,010
- I know...
- .. we really don't want.
158
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:47,050
No. God, no.
159
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,970
Look at it. Piece of shit.
160
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,650
That is the opposite of what we want.
161
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,850
I mean, it's a pew, sure,
but it says "bench".
162
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:56,690
We want a pew that... screams "pew".
163
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:58,490
I love that one!
164
00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:01,210
- You really do have a good eye.
- I'm actually an artist.
165
00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:03,370
I photograph, I paint, I collage.
166
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:06,410
I did a term at art school in
London but... it wasn't for me.
167
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,010
They created boundaries.
168
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:11,330
It was all technique and competence
and being able to draw horses.
169
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,650
- Little boxes.
- No, big horses.
170
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,370
No, I meant they want to put
everyone in little boxes.
171
00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:19,250
"You're a painter, you're a plumber,
you're gay, you're straight..."
172
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,530
Exactly.
173
00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:24,610
"You're black, you're white, you
can drive, you can't drive..."
174
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:27,100
- I love this pew.
- It's a great pew.
175
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:36,450
Could I see some of your art?
176
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,330
Oh, wow. Of course.
177
00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,490
Mum says it's quite challenging.
178
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,740
Oh, I like a challenge.
179
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,850
Right, shall we have a look
for some library chairs?
180
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,090
Yes. I love this.
181
00:07:47,140 --> 00:07:48,140
This is brilliant.
182
00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,410
Are you all right, Stephen?
183
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:01,410
Yeah... Yes.
184
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:03,210
Sorry. It's just...
185
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,970
that jacket smells of Dad.
186
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:07,770
- Just got a bit of a...
- Oh, yes.
187
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,370
Oh!
188
00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:10,620
That is Laurie.
189
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:14,500
Do you want to...?
190
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:19,020
I'm fine.
191
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:23,890
Andrew and I were having some
more thoughts about the pub.
192
00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:26,050
Like free peanuts on all the tables.
193
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:27,330
Why stop there?
194
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:30,530
What about a charcuterie
platter and a huge free goose?
195
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:31,770
This isn't a food bank.
196
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,610
Peanuts are tramp bait. They'll
just turn up for the salt.
197
00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:36,730
Also, ketchup in bowls?
198
00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:38,890
I totally see why you have sachets.
199
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:42,970
They're fun and kitsch and
have that tacky Blackpool vibe
200
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,490
- and it's great to play that note.
- It isn't a note.
201
00:08:45,540 --> 00:08:47,570
We've got a cupboard full
of thousands of sachets.
202
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:48,690
We need to use them up.
203
00:08:48,740 --> 00:08:51,650
We can't just chuck ketchup
away. We're not the Borgias.
204
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,810
Andrew also thought that
we should bring knives and
205
00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:56,410
forks to the table rather
than people having to get them.
206
00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:59,010
We have a perfectly good
system. People are used to it.
207
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,810
Order drinks at the bar, then food,
208
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:02,650
get asked if you want a roll and butter,
209
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:05,770
pay 25p extra for any
butters over and above
210
00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:07,290
the one supplied free butter --
211
00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:10,130
we always recommend a minimum
of two extra butters --
212
00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:12,690
pay for your food, take
a numbered wooden spoon,
213
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,810
proceed to the cutlery and condiment
station, then to your table,
214
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,330
wait for Jan or Mike to
yell your number, hand up,
215
00:09:18,380 --> 00:09:21,370
receive meal, eat meal,
enjoy meal, fuck off.
216
00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:24,730
We need to tell Mike and Jan that
we don't need them at the weekend,
217
00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:26,690
that we're trying out new people.
218
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,850
I'm not telling them. This isn't my idea.
219
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,890
Don't worry, Stephen. I'll do it.
220
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:33,100
- It's fine.
- Thank you, Andrew.
221
00:09:40,140 --> 00:09:41,290
Tom is baby mad.
222
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,050
He wants loads.
223
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:45,650
I think he'd prefer it if I was
one of those frogs that can lay
224
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:46,970
20,000 eggs at a time.
225
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,130
You're a person, not a baby cannon.
226
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:51,690
Exactly. Thanks, Stephen.
227
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:54,530
And anyway, the whole thing's going
to be complicated by us moving.
228
00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:56,610
- Who...? Moving?
- We're selling the house.
229
00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:59,690
Our house? I mean, our
old house? Heron Cottage?
230
00:09:59,740 --> 00:10:02,130
Yeah, I need a new challenge work-wise.
231
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:05,650
And Tom's bored of this town.
Says it's full of mediocre people.
232
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:07,490
It'll be good to have a new place.
233
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,730
Right. And I suppose there
are a lot of memories
234
00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,210
of you and me in Heron Cottage.
235
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,530
Of course.
236
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:13,930
I mean, not loads.
237
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,610
We weren't there that long
before the divorce, were we?
238
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:19,490
But some lovely memories of
watching Frozen Planet together.
239
00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:22,050
It was a terrific programme.
240
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:25,050
- Where might you go?
- Birmingham. Or Manchester.
241
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,850
Somewhere with a pulse.
Less of a backwater.
242
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:30,890
Understood. Totally. You
belong in a frontwater.
243
00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:33,770
So what sort of timescale
are you guys looking at?
244
00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:37,010
- It's on the market, already had a
couple of viewings, so... - Right.
245
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:38,340
That sort of timescale.
246
00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:42,370
Stephen, I worry about you being lonely.
247
00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:44,330
You don't have a huge number of friends.
248
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:46,290
I'm fine. There's Graham.
249
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:47,530
He lives in Munich.
250
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,450
We e-mail pretty regularly.
251
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,330
He's put on 4st.
252
00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:52,730
Maureen seems well.
253
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:56,450
Yes! The vet says she may need
possible anus work in the future,
254
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:59,340
- but we're playing the
anus by ear. - Wise.
255
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,610
I must admit, I want to
fuck them even less now.
256
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:19,450
This isn't an efficient method.
There must be a better way.
257
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:22,930
Maybe you could tape the sachets
together and then put them through
258
00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:25,170
a mangle, like a machine gun.
259
00:11:25,220 --> 00:11:27,210
I'll set my mind to finding a solution,
260
00:11:27,260 --> 00:11:28,500
earn my £5 float money.
261
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,090
Do you know when Andrew's back?
262
00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:33,850
He had something he needed to tell us.
263
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:35,370
Ah, right, yes.
264
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:36,850
Oh, do you know what it is?
265
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,490
Only we've got dinner to prep in a sec.
266
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,610
Is it about the pay rise
we keep discussing with you?
267
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,850
No, and I think I've explained
my position on that.
268
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:45,090
Sterling is all over
the place at the moment.
269
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:47,290
So do you know what it is Andrew wanted?
270
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,570
We'd rather you told us.
271
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,210
We're not that keen on Andrew.
I think he senses it, too.
272
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,690
Don't want to speak out of turn
but he's just a bit, you know...
273
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,810
He reminds Jan a bit of Peter Sutcliffe.
274
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:57,170
Not in looks, just...
275
00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:58,770
Something about him.
276
00:11:58,820 --> 00:12:01,250
So if you could let us
know what's up, then...
277
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,410
It's about Friday.
278
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:05,130
And you.
279
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,050
And coming in on Friday.
280
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,410
- To here.
- Do you want us in early?
281
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:09,850
- No problem.
- No.
282
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:11,850
- Late?
- No.
283
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,610
- Normal time.
- Oh, copy that, chief.
284
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:15,690
- You want us normal time.
- No.
285
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:18,370
Friday evening, you don't come in.
286
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:20,530
- Until...?
- At all.
287
00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,210
- Neither of us?
- That's right.
288
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:23,850
Won't that be a problem, though?
289
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,290
Yeah, we need to serve
the drinks, et cetera.
290
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:28,130
- We'll manage.
- I can't see how.
291
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,740
It's very busy on a Friday.
292
00:12:31,180 --> 00:12:32,780
We're trying out two new people.
293
00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:35,210
Oh.
294
00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:37,130
You don't want US working here on Friday?
295
00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:39,210
Or Saturday. Or Sunday.
296
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:40,930
It's just a trial, two new people.
297
00:12:40,980 --> 00:12:43,170
Emergency backup should you ever fall ill.
298
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,610
Neither of us have called
in sick once in seven years.
299
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:48,250
No, I know, but you
might have an accident.
300
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,610
A lorry might hit you,
301
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,250
or-or you might get stabbed.
302
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:54,690
So these two new people are just
cover for if we're ever stabbed?
303
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,050
Sort of, yes.
304
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,490
Or... I don't know why I said stabbed.
305
00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:00,450
Not necessarily stabbed.
306
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,850
Er, kicked to death,
307
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,010
or strangled,
308
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:04,810
or deliberately set on fire,
309
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:06,140
or whatever it might be.
310
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:10,780
Look after yourselves.
311
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,230
And there we go. The Fuckables
are working wonders.
312
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,510
And the snug is looking
as sexy as the staff.
313
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,270
Ah, the whole thing is a triumph!
314
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,710
Could you get me a pint, mate?
315
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,550
I'm intimidated by the Fuckables.
316
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,990
They're just people, Geoff.
317
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,870
No, they're not. They're sexy.
318
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,230
They look like models.
319
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,430
They've got that bone thing
going on in their faces.
320
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,350
You shouldn't be scared
of sexy people, Geoff.
321
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,310
Are they more scared of me than
I am of them, like with snakes?
322
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,310
No. But still, don't be scared of them.
323
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,630
They can't help being sexy.
324
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,790
- I guess some people are born sexy...
- That doesn't sound good...
325
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,910
- .. while others have sexiness thrust
upon them. - .. or that, to be honest.
326
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,190
I might skip the pint.
327
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,350
Get back to my great new ketchup idea.
328
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,670
Three new TripAdvisor reviews.
329
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:05,750
Shit. Will this be the UMCs saying
we're gravy-granule bastards?
330
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,910
Oh, my God! It's not them.
331
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,150
It's people who have been here
since Andrew defurbed the refurb.
332
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,590
- And do they like us?
- They bloody love us.
333
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,670
Three reviews, all five stars.
334
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,230
That's 15 stars!
335
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,190
Did you get the alert?
Andrew's fucking smashed it!
336
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,370
Oh, and another one!
337
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,590
"Superb atmosphere. Trad
warmth with a hip spritz."
338
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,550
Two more reviews! Both high-fivers!
339
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,920
Hooray! Oh, I knew Laurie was
right to bring you on board.
340
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,830
This is you, isn't it?
341
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,070
We're a team, Stephen.
It's down to all of us.
342
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,750
No, I mean this is you
writing the five-star reviews.
343
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,230
Sock-puppet accounts.
344
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,030
- This is fake news.
- Stephen...
345
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,790
You are playing with fire here, my friend.
346
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,070
We've been getting solid
three-star reviews for years
347
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,070
and now this is going to fuck everything.
348
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,030
We're a two-to-three-star pub.
349
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,350
People will now expect a five-star pub.
350
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,150
This isn't a five-star pub!
351
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,430
These people say it is.
352
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,070
Seriously, you don't stick your
head above the parapet with the
353
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,990
TripAdvisor guys because you
will call down a tsunami of shit.
354
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:07,470
A sudden flurry of five-star
reviews, they get suspicious,
355
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,590
send the black-ops reviewers in,
356
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,430
there's a string of zero-star
write-ups and then you're fucked.
357
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,270
It happened to The Plough in Harescombe,
358
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960
they flew too close to the sun.
359
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,830
I haven't written any reviews, Stephen.
360
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,520
And I really don't think there
are "black-ops" reviewers.
361
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,030
- Oh, right, look at me
like - I'm - the crazy one.
362
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,240
He's the guy with the
multiple online personalities.
363
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,430
I'm treading ketchup!
364
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,990
This is one of the best
ideas I've ever had!
365
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:50,350
Jesus, Geoff!
366
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,790
Are you ill?! It's disgusting!
367
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,150
You're a farmer. Have
you washed your feet?!
368
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,270
Fucking hell! Throw all the ketchup away!
369
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,830
This is fucked up!
370
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,230
Stephen, you need some St
John's wort or something, mate,
371
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,200
because you are one very negative guy.
372
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,230
It's what I live for... really.
373
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,950
Creativity.
374
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,270
I don't know what I'd
do if I couldn't paint.
375
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,030
No.
376
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,150
- Have you always lived
with your mum? - God, no.
377
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,750
This is very temporary.
378
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,310
Just looking for the
perfect space, you know?
379
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,870
Absolutely. Walls that feel
like your walls, right?
380
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,710
Exactly! I did have a flat but the
guy got heavy and weird about his
381
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,230
precious rent and everything.
382
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,030
- Nightmare.
- I hate money.
383
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,350
I wish I didn't have my share
in the pub, if I'm honest.
384
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,560
Makes me feel anxious and tied down.
385
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,230
Lots of travel guides.
386
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,110
Some of these countries
don't exist any more.
387
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,910
Yeah, they're quite old now.
388
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,270
I wanted to travel, but life got
in the way and it never happened.
389
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,870
Then Blair got elected and, you know...
390
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,110
- You've done some travelling,
though? - Oh, yeah.
391
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,630
I'm not some suburban small-town hick.
392
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,670
I mean, where to start?
393
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,430
Been to Boulogne.
394
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,030
- Boulogne. - Obviously, I've
been there loads, like we all have,
395
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,710
back and forth all the bloody time.
396
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,590
But the first time was in the fourth year
397
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,750
and I got suspended for
buying a flick knife.
398
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,150
Classic Boulogne.
399
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,590
And this Bangkok guide?
400
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,150
- Have you been there?
- Yes.
401
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,670
Yes, siree.
402
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,310
It was amazing.
403
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,590
Bangkok. Fucking hell.
404
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:20,750
The realest place I've ever been to.
405
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,630
Very real. I felt like I was really there.
406
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,230
Did you try the noodles at Bang Rak?
407
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,270
I did. Amazing flavours.
408
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,390
Hot, but sour.
409
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,070
But sweet. And really long.
410
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,150
The longest noodles I've ever seen.
411
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,110
And how did you feel about all
the executions in Thailand?
412
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,430
Sad. You know?
413
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:40,790
No, me too.
414
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,230
Should I sleep with Andrew?
415
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,590
Unequivocally and without
a shadow of a doubt,
416
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:45,670
no, you shouldn't.
417
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,390
Maybe I should. It would
sort of be incest,
418
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,750
but with none of the negatives
and all of the positives.
419
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,070
All of the positives?
420
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,830
- Of incest?
- Exciting.
421
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,590
- Forbidden.
- It wouldn't be forbidden.
422
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,950
He's not your actual brother
so it's not forbidden.
423
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,750
Although, I do forbid it.
424
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,110
Do you think those people there
are TripAdvisor black ops?
425
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,470
- That's not a thing.
- They look clever.
426
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,430
Bit sneery, metropolitan elite.
427
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,590
We don't get many clever
people in here ordinarily.
428
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,270
We mainly attract
average-intelligence people,
429
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,750
with a smattering of real fucking thickos.
430
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,390
I'll offer them some extra butters.
431
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,830
I'll say the butters are on the
house because we like their style.
432
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,670
You can't bribe people
with tiny pats of butter.
433
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,750
And how is everything?
434
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,150
Living up to your expectations?
435
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,990
It's all lovely. Thank you.
436
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,750
And, er... are you in
the area for tourism...
437
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,270
or business... or...?
438
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,830
We're going to look at a property.
439
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,870
Thinking of getting a
weekend place out here.
440
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,950
Heron Cottage up on Hill Crescent.
441
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,440
Do you know that part of town?
442
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,470
Yes, I do. It's... it's good that
people are moving back there,
443
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,990
that houses are selling
again in that area.
444
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,830
- Have they not been?
- There was a lot of drug activity.
445
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,550
Buying, selling.
446
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:55,590
Smoking.
447
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:56,750
Injecting.
448
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,190
That thing where you heat the spoon up.
449
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,790
But the police are turning a blind eye now
450
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:06,550
and it's all calmed down into a
sort of semi-lawless "new normal".
451
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,390
Do you need any extra butters?
452
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,870
We're fine for butters.
453
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,320
Sure? Can't tempt you?
454
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:13,520
Excellent.
455
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,710
Are we all right to sit anywhere?
456
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,110
Just for a drink. Won't be eating.
457
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,830
- Can't afford to eat out now.
- Right.
458
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,350
- How are you?
- Oh, we haven't been stabbed.
459
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,630
- Or have we?
- How are they?
460
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,310
Fine.
461
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,350
Kind of. Look, it wasn't
my idea to get them in.
462
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,950
But you didn't oppose the idea.
463
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,830
That's not fair. I did oppose
the idea, but ineffectually.
464
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,510
Bugger and shit!
465
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,470
The UMCs have finally left their reviews.
466
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,550
Three two-star stinkers.
467
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,150
"They use gravy granules."
468
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,590
"Lamb was cremated."
469
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,150
"Beyond underwhelming."
470
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,630
This'll crucify us!
471
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,230
I'm really sorry about that, Ellen.
472
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,270
Can I get a double gin, Jan, love?
473
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,910
Coming up.
474
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,200
Oh... I don't work here. No.
475
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,230
Hi.
476
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,150
Hi. Laundry.
477
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,750
Great.
478
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,870
Hey, I ran some background on
those two-star kickings we got.
479
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,110
Entitled fuckers.
480
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,390
It's a power play, isn't it?
481
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,710
Which way will Caesar's thumb go?
482
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,630
Well, this is the weird thing.
483
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,310
They seemed like old hands at TripAdvisor,
484
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,950
but the accounts reviewing
us were all brand-new.
485
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,270
- That's odd.
- Odder still, checking the headers,
486
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,950
those three different accounts
are all using the same IP address.
487
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,670
The IP address
488
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:43,830
of the computer
489
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,390
in the back room...
490
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,760
of the pub.
491
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,750
I think we both know who's responsible...
492
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:56,920
don't we?
493
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,750
Must be the Fuckables fucking with us.
494
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,520
I'll fire them, get Jan and Mike back.
495
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,070
Hi, Jan, it's Andrew Donnelly.
496
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,870
Look, Stephen and I were
completely wrong to cut your shifts.
497
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,030
We've missed you and Mike enormously
and the pub's just not the same.
498
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,950
So is...? Yeah. Aw.
499
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,030
So is there any way you'd
consider coming back?
500
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,360
Maybe with a substantial pay rise.
501
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,390
- Jan and Mike!
- Andrew!
502
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,950
The Pretenders have retreated,
503
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,990
the true King and Queen have been
restored, and with a salary bump.
504
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,990
All hail the John Barleycorn!
505
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,190
We were totally wrong
about Andrew, Stephen.
506
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,670
Totally wrong. He's completely
won us over, hasn't he, love?
507
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,630
Yeah. He's not Peter Sutcliffe.
508
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,510
He's more Daniel Radcliffe.
509
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,470
Well, it's good to see you both back here.
510
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,310
It's like the ravens have
returned to the tower.
511
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:04,750
What tower's that, then?
512
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,830
Don't ravens eat nappies from landfill?
513
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,190
Andrew said something
nice about the Pretenders.
514
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,110
They're one of Jan's favourites.
515
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,310
- Wine, Stephen?
- It's far too early.
516
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:14,520
A Merlot, please.
517
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,350
Did you post the poor reviews?
518
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,710
- I did.
- You trolled your own business!
519
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,550
It was counter-sabotage. I
was trying to save the pub.
520
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,150
By saying it's a shithole?
521
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,430
I had to even out the five-star madness.
522
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,310
Have you been sleeping
all right on that bed?
523
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:34,150
No. It's like an ironing
board made of hot doorknobs.
524
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,190
But I'm not dangerously underslept.
525
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,630
Andrew'd like you to think
I'm a zombie nutbag,
526
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,750
but I'm not a zombie nutbag.
527
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,430
Should you maybe have some time away?
528
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,710
Don't you be taken in by Andrew, too.
529
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,870
He's managed to get
Mike and Jan on his side.
530
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,230
You're now my only ally.
531
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,230
Fuck off, Stephen. I'm still your ally.
532
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,270
What sort of wanker do you take me for?
533
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,800
I take you entirely for a non-wanker.
534
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,470
Tom and I have a potential
buyer for our place.
535
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,230
- OK...
- Nice couple.
536
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,790
I thought they'd cooled,
537
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,990
but apparently they met
this quite freaky guy who
538
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,790
started shit-mouthing our house.
539
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,590
They assumed he was after
it for himself, so bang!
540
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,670
Instant offer.
541
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,550
I bet that guy feels
like a right prick now.
542
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,880
And he deserves to.
543
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,030
The prick...
544
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,680
♪ Nobody loves me
545
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,640
♪ Nobody seem to care
546
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,910
♪ Nobody loves me, I say
547
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,200
♪ Ah, well, nobody seem to care
548
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,190
♪ Speaking of bad luck and trouble, mama
549
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,670
♪ Well, you know I've had my share. ♪
42064
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