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1
00:00:00,431 --> 00:00:03,631
♪♪
2
00:00:06,077 --> 00:00:09,607
Well, I didn't use breast milk
for obvious reasons.
3
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,510
But if you just hold
the bottle like this,
it won't upset his stomach.
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,123
It's all in the wrist.
5
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,415
You are a lifesaver.
6
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,117
I thank you,
Hunter thanks you,
7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,250
and the guy across the hall
thanks you.
8
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:21,991
This kid's got some lungs.
9
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,564
Hi, Zoey. Bye, Zoey.
10
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,497
So... (clears throat)
11
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,430
how's your new girlfriend?
12
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,602
Uh, Zoey is not my girlfriend.
13
00:00:33,604 --> 00:00:35,474
She is a friend who just
happens to be a girl.
14
00:00:35,466 --> 00:00:38,536
Much like you, only with
a lot less baggage.
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,169
Uh, you delivered her child
on your first date,
16
00:00:41,172 --> 00:00:43,672
so I'd say our baggage
is a carry-on compared to hers.
17
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:46,916
I thought you
really liked her.
18
00:00:46,917 --> 00:00:50,577
I did, you know, until I saw
a human being crawl out of her.
19
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,232
But we talked about it,
we're cool. We're just friends.
20
00:00:54,225 --> 00:00:55,885
It's all good.
21
00:00:55,886 --> 00:00:58,756
I don't know,
I think Emma might really
like a little brother.
22
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,829
Emma and I discussed it.
She's fine.
23
00:01:00,831 --> 00:01:02,191
(elevator bell dings)
24
00:01:02,193 --> 00:01:04,473
Hey, sorry. One more question.
25
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,965
Mommy.
26
00:01:07,198 --> 00:01:08,738
(whispers)
Emma lied to you.
27
00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,041
(theme music playing)
28
00:01:12,042 --> 00:01:15,152
♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
29
00:01:15,146 --> 00:01:18,176
♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪
30
00:01:21,512 --> 00:01:23,012
Ben:
Just go to yoga already.
31
00:01:23,013 --> 00:01:24,263
-Zoey and I--
-I'm up!
32
00:01:25,256 --> 00:01:27,286
Oh, my god!
I'm late for practice.
33
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,118
You haven't seen me.
34
00:01:30,721 --> 00:01:32,361
What was that?
35
00:01:32,363 --> 00:01:33,963
He's been having
trouble sleeping.
36
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:37,234
I need pants, shoes,
my gym bag. So late!
37
00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:41,369
One of the coaches
is giving him a bad time.
38
00:01:41,372 --> 00:01:43,772
Maybe the coach just likes
his players to wear pants.
39
00:01:45,236 --> 00:01:47,606
No, he thinks that Danny's
not playing up to his potential,
40
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,138
which is a nice way
of saying that he sucks,
41
00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,810
which means Danny stays up
all night worrying, which means
he doesn't sleep.
42
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,682
Which means the next day
at practice he does suck,
43
00:01:53,684 --> 00:01:56,194
which means,
his coach has a point.
It's a vicious cycle.
44
00:01:57,188 --> 00:01:59,088
Whoo! If anybody calls,
45
00:01:59,089 --> 00:02:00,549
I left a half an hour ago.
46
00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:02,851
No! Wait, tell them an hour.
That way I'll be early.
47
00:02:05,456 --> 00:02:07,196
You know, when we were dating,
48
00:02:07,198 --> 00:02:09,428
I never left for work
without kissing you goodbye.
I'm just saying.
49
00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:22,510
Like I said,
I was just saying.
50
00:02:22,513 --> 00:02:25,153
Okay, say "buh-bye,"
it's time for your nap.
Let's go.
51
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,645
Mama.
52
00:02:28,219 --> 00:02:30,479
See? It sounds to me
53
00:02:30,481 --> 00:02:34,231
like Emma is really feeling
the need for more of a female
role model in her life.
54
00:02:34,225 --> 00:02:36,225
Emma has plenty
of female role models.
55
00:02:36,227 --> 00:02:38,127
First of all, there's you.
And my mom.
56
00:02:38,128 --> 00:02:39,728
Hey, who's got some pot?
57
00:02:41,091 --> 00:02:43,431
'Cause Bonnie Wheeler
needs a dealer.
58
00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:48,897
Well, one female role model
is good enough.
59
00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,171
I threw my back out at Pilates.
60
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,602
It's killing me.
61
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:56,614
I was trying to get extra bendy
for my honeymoon with Brad,
62
00:02:56,607 --> 00:02:58,647
if you know what I mean. Huh?
63
00:03:01,452 --> 00:03:03,782
Well, you got a guy
15 years younger than you,
64
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,994
so I think Bendy Bonnie
knows what she's doing.
65
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,286
Yeah, she does.
66
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,618
Give it up. Pssh!
67
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,521
Come on, Ben.
68
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,093
You're my bad son.
69
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,674
I know you're holdin'.
70
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:19,197
Actually, I haven't been
holding any of that since
I started holding this.
71
00:03:20,371 --> 00:03:22,501
Ri-- Oh, never mind.
72
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,043
It's like asking a nun
if you can borrow a condom.
73
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,708
You know what, I'm just gonna
call my high school hook-up.
74
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,240
I hope he still has
the same beeper number.
75
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,493
Hey, Mom. Could you not plan
a drug deal in front of my kid?
76
00:03:35,486 --> 00:03:37,316
It's a question
I shouldn't have to ask.
77
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,362
Hey, so maybe
you were right after all.
78
00:03:44,355 --> 00:03:47,195
Emma hasn't stopped saying
"Mama" since this morning.
79
00:03:47,197 --> 00:03:48,997
She even said it to
the lady at the deli.
80
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:51,399
Oh, well, to be fair,
her name is Mama.
81
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,044
Well, the point is,
82
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,865
I think it's time I found
a baby mama for her
and a hot mama for me.
83
00:03:58,869 --> 00:04:01,169
Ideally, it should be
the same person
84
00:04:01,171 --> 00:04:03,341
but that's not set in stone.
That's where you come in.
85
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,015
You want me to help you
find the perfect woman?
86
00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:09,717
Pfft. Well, as fun and awkward
as that sounds, I think
I'm gonna pass.
87
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,180
Uh, no, no, no,
no, no. No, no.
88
00:04:12,182 --> 00:04:14,462
You broke it, you fix it.
89
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,486
Come on!
90
00:04:16,487 --> 00:04:19,657
Riley, I need you to pick
someone smart
91
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,030
and sophisticated, nurturing.
92
00:04:22,032 --> 00:04:24,542
Really? That's what you're
looking for now?
93
00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:27,195
Well, if she has
all those things,
plus a few curves--
94
00:04:27,197 --> 00:04:30,437
Ahh, there it is.
I knew the real Ben
was still in there somewhere.
95
00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:33,271
Riley, I'm placing
my future in your hands.
Don't let me down.
96
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,745
Okay, um...
97
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,548
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
98
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:41,550
Penny Paulsen!
She would be perfect.
99
00:04:41,552 --> 00:04:43,512
I work with her.
She's an amazing lawyer,
100
00:04:43,514 --> 00:04:45,964
went to Yale, volunteers
at an animal shelter,
101
00:04:45,956 --> 00:04:47,556
and I don't totally hate her.
102
00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:49,388
Great! But does she have--
103
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,860
Yeah, she has two of them,
and that better be enough.
104
00:04:51,862 --> 00:04:53,862
Yup, two is good.
105
00:04:53,864 --> 00:04:55,374
I mean,
three would be overkill.
106
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,097
Wait, would it?
107
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,601
Oh, you know what,
just set me up.
108
00:05:05,576 --> 00:05:08,136
♪ I got the best weed, yeah,
my green is the finest ♪
109
00:05:08,138 --> 00:05:10,438
♪ I'm the queen of smoking pot
so call me your highness ♪
110
00:05:10,441 --> 00:05:12,441
Ha-ha! Snap, y'all.
111
00:05:12,443 --> 00:05:13,883
-Hey, Ma.
-Oh, god, no!
112
00:05:13,884 --> 00:05:15,254
Oh, damn it!
113
00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:16,615
Ugh!
114
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,017
You're welcome!
115
00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,550
Mom, what do you do
when someone hates you?
116
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:25,062
Well, in my case, I apparently
have their children.
117
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:28,127
I just had the worst practice
of my life.
118
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,658
Coach keeps saying
if I don't get it together,
I'm gonna be traded.
119
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:33,131
But I can't get it together
without a good night's sleep.
120
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,643
I just need to find a way
to relax.
121
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:38,466
Well, I might have a friend
who can help you.
122
00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:40,169
Let me call her.
123
00:05:40,170 --> 00:05:42,570
Boop, beep, boop,
boop, beep, boop, boop.
124
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,884
Hello, Mary Jane?
125
00:05:48,579 --> 00:05:51,349
Yes, I'd like you
to meet my son, Danny.
126
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,223
Ahh!
127
00:05:55,225 --> 00:05:56,955
Oh, my god.
Is that what I think it is?
128
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,657
Well, I don't know.
Do you think it's dope?
129
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,629
You don't have to
call me stupid. I just
thought it was marijuana.
130
00:06:03,394 --> 00:06:05,204
Oh, god.
Okay, listen.
131
00:06:05,195 --> 00:06:07,095
Honey, yes,
it is.
132
00:06:07,097 --> 00:06:09,437
And I think
you should smoke it.
133
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,770
Mom, you know I've never
done drugs.
134
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,452
I'm a professional athlete.
My body is a temple.
135
00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:17,576
Yeah, well my body
is a temple too.
136
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,678
But if you see smoke
coming out of my steeple,
137
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,610
it doesn't mean
a new pope's been elected.
138
00:06:22,813 --> 00:06:24,423
I'll be here all week.
139
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,457
Mom, you're not being
very motherly.
140
00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:30,489
Honey, I'm just trying
to help you.
141
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:33,061
This is your career
we're talking about.
142
00:06:33,063 --> 00:06:35,203
You have to take
this seriously.
143
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,725
Now take this.
144
00:06:36,727 --> 00:06:39,667
Seriously.
145
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:42,430
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm just gonna find
another way to relax.
146
00:06:43,474 --> 00:06:44,714
Hey.
147
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,935
And that way may have just
walked in the front door.
148
00:06:47,938 --> 00:06:50,638
Hey! What you doing
with my stuff?
149
00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:55,421
Look, Danny, I feel so bad
that you've been awake all night
pacing and worrying,
150
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,245
and I really want to be
there for you.
151
00:06:57,247 --> 00:06:59,187
But while I'm being there
for you,
152
00:06:59,189 --> 00:07:01,019
I need you to be
sleeping here for me.
153
00:07:03,594 --> 00:07:04,864
Ma!
154
00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:06,625
Will you call your friend
Mary Jane?
155
00:07:08,859 --> 00:07:10,399
Danny:
I got it, I got it. Okay.
156
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,860
Okay, okay, listen.
Ready? I'm you. Okay.
157
00:07:12,863 --> 00:07:14,543
If it wasn't for you kids,
158
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:17,005
I could be a supermodel.
Now get me some wine.
159
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:20,607
(both laughing)
160
00:07:20,611 --> 00:07:23,771
This is good, right?
Okay, okay, do me.
You do me. Do me.
161
00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:24,954
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, yeah!
162
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,575
All right, all right.
163
00:07:26,577 --> 00:07:28,247
(sniffling)
164
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,020
I've been in love
with Riley my whole life,
165
00:07:32,022 --> 00:07:33,782
even when she was fat.
166
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,726
Oh, my god, it's like
listening to a mirror.
167
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:42,690
Wait, wait, but Mom,
wait, how do we know
if we're high?
168
00:07:42,693 --> 00:07:44,803
-Mm-hmm.
-Because I don't feel high.
169
00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,565
I'm just relaxed, you know?
170
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:50,897
I feel like scales on
a cosmic lizard gliding
through the universe.
171
00:07:52,703 --> 00:07:54,103
-Shh!
-Oh.
172
00:07:54,104 --> 00:07:56,654
Perfect. I didn't think
either of you were going
to be here.
173
00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,477
Now I don't have to drop Emma
off at the babysitter.
174
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,611
(muffled laughter)
175
00:08:02,613 --> 00:08:04,793
Why would you want somebody
to sit on your baby?
176
00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:08,957
Is he always like that?
177
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,489
What are you, Peter Pan?
178
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,590
(stammering)
179
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,763
He's like-- like...
180
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,765
He's like a robot,
like a Benbot.
181
00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:17,997
(babbles)
182
00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:20,699
-I'm Ben Wheeler.
-Say something else.
183
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,701
I'm so mad, I'm gonna
put my hands on my hips.
184
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,043
Rawr!
185
00:08:25,035 --> 00:08:27,875
Okay, looks like
someone's back
is feeling better.
186
00:08:27,878 --> 00:08:29,738
Danny, you can
watch Emma, right?
187
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,881
And sit on your baby!
188
00:08:32,883 --> 00:08:35,393
I just got that!
189
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,718
Emma, pack your bag!
We're getting the hell
out of here!
190
00:08:45,495 --> 00:08:46,995
Hey, sorry I'm late.
191
00:08:46,997 --> 00:08:48,457
I went to go pick up
Penny some flowers,
192
00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:50,498
but they were ten bucks,
so I ditched that idea.
193
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,732
Well, Penny's not coming, Ben.
194
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,074
What? Why not?
195
00:08:55,065 --> 00:08:56,965
Because you're not ready
for Penny.
196
00:08:56,967 --> 00:08:58,567
Well, then why am I here?
197
00:08:58,569 --> 00:09:00,909
Okay, I did an analysis,
and I found that there's
198
00:09:00,911 --> 00:09:04,111
one thing every failed
relationship you've ever had
has in common.
199
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,654
-What's that?
-You.
200
00:09:06,877 --> 00:09:08,677
You have to face the facts.
201
00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,279
I mean, when it comes
to meeting women,
202
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,150
you're all look
and no listen.
203
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,482
Thank you.
204
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,694
It's... not a compliment.
205
00:09:17,828 --> 00:09:20,758
This just proves that we need
to build a better Ben.
206
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:23,761
All right, so,
let's do a little test.
207
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,904
Hi. I'm Brie.
208
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:28,666
I'm from Alaska,
and I love skiing
209
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,969
and archaeology.
210
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:33,740
Okay, now ask me a question
about something I just said.
211
00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:36,614
Whoa.
212
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:39,677
"Seven days of sexy bras."
Riley, go to page 92 real quick.
213
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:45,222
It's like trying to train
a dog to use a typewriter.
214
00:09:45,215 --> 00:09:47,015
Only harder.
215
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,760
Oh, my god, no!
216
00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:56,695
Here we go,
grab your foot.
217
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,027
Grab it, and...
218
00:09:58,028 --> 00:09:59,428
(groans)
219
00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:02,901
Do not take being young
for granted.
220
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:06,183
Some mornings, my boobs
touch my toes before I do.
221
00:10:07,177 --> 00:10:08,907
Good morning, ladies.
222
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,179
Now, who is ready
for a beautiful day?
223
00:10:11,181 --> 00:10:12,511
Answer: me.
224
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:13,842
Because I slept like
a guy who--
225
00:10:13,844 --> 00:10:15,794
Smoked two joints,
ate four pizzas,
226
00:10:15,786 --> 00:10:18,846
and told the guy in 2C
that culottes are making
a comeback?
227
00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:21,489
I should not have bought
ten pairs of those
online last night.
228
00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:23,321
But I feel great.
229
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,063
I can't wait to get
to practice. Thanks a lot, Mom.
230
00:10:25,055 --> 00:10:26,725
-Bye, honey.
-Bye.
231
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,927
(door closes)
232
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:31,728
Now remember, Emma,
drugs are never the answer.
233
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,133
Unless the question is,
234
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,274
"How come Grandma went
to Mexico on her honeymoon
and didn't get a tan?"
235
00:10:38,809 --> 00:10:40,269
It's a thinker,
it's okay.
236
00:10:41,812 --> 00:10:43,172
Hey, Mom,
how do I look?
237
00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:45,883
I'm about to go meet the future
Mrs. Ben Wheeler for lunch.
238
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:48,016
Riley stayed up all night
building a better me.
239
00:10:48,018 --> 00:10:49,348
And I know what
you're thinking,
240
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,849
"How do you improve upon this?"
241
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,481
Hm. Not what I was thinking.
242
00:10:53,724 --> 00:10:55,794
But she did, and now
I'm ready to meet her.
243
00:10:55,786 --> 00:10:57,226
Okay?
244
00:10:57,227 --> 00:10:58,557
All right, Emma.
I'll see you later.
Wish me luck.
245
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,428
Oh, one more thing.
246
00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:02,630
I know you're the one
who wrote "Bonnie Rules"
247
00:11:02,632 --> 00:11:04,802
in spray cheese
in the hallway.
Clean it up.
248
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,837
Well, Bonnie does rule.
249
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,440
All right, come on. (groans)
250
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:13,641
Oh, god. Emma.
251
00:11:13,643 --> 00:11:14,913
Oh, my god, my back.
252
00:11:14,905 --> 00:11:16,905
All right, I'm going down.
I'm going down.
253
00:11:16,907 --> 00:11:18,507
I'm going down.
Emma, clear.
254
00:11:18,508 --> 00:11:19,908
I'm going down,
I'm going down.
255
00:11:19,910 --> 00:11:21,080
(grunts)
256
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,511
Oh, Emma.
257
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:25,592
Emma, do you know
how to open the refrigerator?
258
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,916
The Chardonnay's
on the top shelf, run.
259
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:29,959
Run!
260
00:11:30,961 --> 00:11:32,561
...Which is why
owning a bar is great.
261
00:11:32,562 --> 00:11:35,302
I mean, of course it's
nowhere near as impressive
as being a lawyer.
262
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,665
What's your specialty?
263
00:11:36,666 --> 00:11:38,496
Oh, my god,
did you hear that?
264
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:41,198
He brought the conversation
back to her.
265
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,931
My heart
is so full right now.
266
00:11:46,376 --> 00:11:48,976
Is it me or is it
really hot in here?
267
00:11:51,481 --> 00:11:52,881
So, um...
268
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,754
you were saying something
about... the law?
269
00:11:55,746 --> 00:11:56,886
Yeah.
270
00:11:56,887 --> 00:11:58,917
I loved law school.
271
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,919
-I went to the University
of Rhode Island...
-(thinking) Don't look down.
272
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,221
-(continues talking)
-Don't look down.
273
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,522
Dude, come on.
274
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,503
...family program
for their law school.
275
00:12:05,495 --> 00:12:06,955
Oh, no,
what did she say?
276
00:12:06,957 --> 00:12:09,457
Something about Rhode Island?
Say something about
Rhode Island!
277
00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:10,859
I love Rhode Island!
278
00:12:12,903 --> 00:12:14,203
(thinking) Nailed it.
279
00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:15,944
I wonder if those are real.
280
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,036
He's out, Riley.
281
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,238
I lost him.
282
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,939
What? No, no, no.
Penny, come on!
283
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,941
No! I was just
momentarily distracted.
284
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,713
God!
285
00:12:24,714 --> 00:12:25,984
I can't believe I blew it.
286
00:12:25,976 --> 00:12:27,246
It's okay.
287
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,947
You know, I knew you would.
288
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,679
So, that was a practice Penny.
289
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,022
What? You expected me to fail?
290
00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:36,834
Oh, come on.
Even you expected you to fail.
291
00:12:36,827 --> 00:12:39,857
Okay, well if you think
you know me so well,
what am I thinking right now?
292
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,330
You're wondering
if they're real or not.
293
00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:42,831
Okay, well what am I thinking
right now?
294
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:43,993
-Same thing.
-Damn it.
295
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,436
Hey, Mom.
296
00:12:47,437 --> 00:12:48,697
Hey, honey.
297
00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:51,368
Mom, I just had my best
practice of the season.
298
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,701
Even the coach noticed.
299
00:12:52,702 --> 00:12:54,472
Yeah, really?
What'd he say?
300
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,814
Nothing. But he usually
says I suck, so "nothing"
is a huge improvement.
301
00:12:57,808 --> 00:12:59,708
Oh, and get this,
302
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:02,049
I found out that we're gonna
have a drug test before
the game tonight,
303
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:04,822
so how lucky is it that
we smoked last night,
not this morning?
304
00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,586
What? Danny!
305
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:10,757
Marijuana stays in your system
for like two weeks.
306
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,890
If it didn't, I would be
an air traffic controller
right now.
307
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,604
What?
308
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,195
No, no, no.
This isn't happening!
309
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,067
The first time I do the pot,
I totally ruin my career?
310
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:21,500
This is all your fault.
311
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,071
Okay, all right,
Danny, just relax.
312
00:13:23,073 --> 00:13:24,943
Okay, you hardly
smoked any, all right?
313
00:13:24,935 --> 00:13:28,035
Hey, although a puff or two
right now might calm you
right down.
314
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:29,278
Mom! Drug test!
315
00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:30,639
All right,
you're right, you're right.
316
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,340
You know what, people outsmart
these tests all the time.
317
00:13:33,343 --> 00:13:35,023
We just have to find out
how they do it.
318
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,215
Okay.
319
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,216
"How to pass a drug test."
320
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,988
No, not rug test.
321
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:42,890
Oh, my gosh,
these are some nice rugs.
322
00:13:42,893 --> 00:13:44,723
I should probably
just totally rearrange
my living room.
323
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:45,934
$400, are you--
324
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,726
Mom! Come on, focus!
325
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,397
Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey.
I'm sorry, I might have had
326
00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:50,829
one too many
of those cookies earlier.
327
00:13:51,962 --> 00:13:53,502
Wait, these cookies?
328
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,844
Danny! No! Oh, god!
329
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,606
What is wrong with you?
330
00:13:58,608 --> 00:14:00,268
Those cookies are full of pot.
331
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:01,910
What?
332
00:14:01,912 --> 00:14:04,272
Who would bake
pot into perfectly
innocent cookies?
333
00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:08,916
It was probably
that awful Mary Jane.
334
00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:13,281
I am gonna go find her,
335
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:16,193
and when I do, I am gonna
give her a piece of my mind.
336
00:14:21,091 --> 00:14:24,591
I pulled a lot of strings
with my boss to get us
into the firm's skybox,
337
00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:26,174
so do not let me down, Wheeler.
338
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,896
Otherwise, the next box
that I get you into
339
00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,338
will have handles
on the side.
340
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:32,069
Oh, she of little faith,
I got this.
341
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,402
And if I don't, I got
the popcorn girl's number
just in case.
342
00:14:34,404 --> 00:14:36,684
(chuckles) I'm just...
totally kidding.
343
00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:39,978
Penny!
344
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,250
Find a Penny,
pick her up.
345
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:42,451
Don't say that.
346
00:14:42,452 --> 00:14:44,452
Penny, hi. Uh, this is Ben.
347
00:14:44,454 --> 00:14:46,094
Hi, pleasure to meet you.
348
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,086
Hi, Ben. Riley's told me
a lot about you.
349
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,158
Oh, well you know,
she's a notorious liar,
so...
350
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,860
Don't worry,
it was all good.
351
00:14:51,861 --> 00:14:53,491
Like I said,
she's a notorious liar.
352
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,203
(chuckles) I can't wait
to hear about you.
353
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,866
(thinking) Wow.
354
00:14:57,867 --> 00:14:59,497
She has beautiful eyes.
355
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,469
There's something
you don't see everyday.
356
00:15:01,471 --> 00:15:03,201
Quick, do something nice.
357
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,773
Let me hang that up for you.
358
00:15:05,775 --> 00:15:07,375
Oh, you know what,
hey, why don't I do it?
359
00:15:07,377 --> 00:15:09,677
I mean, I seem to be
standing in the way anyway.
360
00:15:09,679 --> 00:15:11,809
And now I'm just standing here
talking to myself.
361
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,011
So, might as well
go drink by myself.
362
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,015
Up high,
363
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,447
down low,
real slow.
364
00:15:19,449 --> 00:15:21,049
(chuckles)
365
00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:22,321
Yeah.
366
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,822
-Danny.
-What?
367
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,203
-Danny.
-Huh? What?
368
00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:27,855
I G-O-T the pee.
369
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,059
You got goat pee?
370
00:15:31,061 --> 00:15:32,331
Oh, god!
371
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:35,212
No! Just regular pee,
you big stoner.
372
00:15:35,205 --> 00:15:37,635
Okay. All right,
this is Emma's.
373
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,767
And unless she's sparking up
behind our backs,
374
00:15:39,769 --> 00:15:41,009
it's clean.
375
00:15:41,011 --> 00:15:42,071
So, um...
376
00:15:42,072 --> 00:15:43,812
just sneak this
into your drug test, okay?
377
00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:45,353
Oh, my god, Mom,
thank you so much!
378
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,115
I couldn't have done it
without you.
379
00:15:47,117 --> 00:15:48,647
Oh, wait, wait.
380
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,948
Someone else is hugging you.
381
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,149
Oh.
382
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,981
Oh, never mind, it was just
my other hand.
383
00:15:55,825 --> 00:15:57,555
Ah, you're the best Mom ever.
384
00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:59,427
Well, actually, the best Mom
would be the one who didn't
385
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:00,589
tell you to smoke
a bunch of weed.
386
00:16:01,791 --> 00:16:03,261
Wait.
387
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,673
-Where's the bottle?
-What bottle?
388
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:09,265
The bottle! The bottle that
is gonna save your career.
389
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,169
Stop that!
390
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,440
All right.
391
00:16:11,441 --> 00:16:13,241
Oh, my god, Danny,
do you know how hard it is
392
00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:15,913
to get a baby
to pee into a funnel?
393
00:16:15,905 --> 00:16:18,105
Okay, don't worry,
I will find it.
Just stay here and...
394
00:16:18,108 --> 00:16:20,008
(whispers)
try not to act high. Okay?
395
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,758
I'm not high.
396
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,092
Quit looking at me.
397
00:16:35,925 --> 00:16:38,425
You know what,
I'm really glad we met.
398
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,298
You're a great listener
399
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,030
and might I add,
definitely one of the good guys.
400
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:46,483
Mm, thanks. It's not easy
for us nice guys to get
the recognition we deserve.
401
00:16:47,477 --> 00:16:48,537
Oh, no.
402
00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,208
Is everything okay?
403
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,240
Ben, I am so glad
I found you.
404
00:16:52,242 --> 00:16:54,212
Uh, Mom, this is Penny.
Penny, Mom.
405
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,254
Also, Mom,
that's the door.
406
00:16:56,246 --> 00:16:58,386
Door, Mom.
Mom, door!
407
00:16:58,388 --> 00:17:01,348
Your brother is high
as a kite right now
and he needs your help.
408
00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:02,451
(snorts)
409
00:17:02,452 --> 00:17:03,892
Could you excuse us
for just two seconds?
410
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,026
Mom,
411
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,697
I did not spend the last
48 hours de-Ben-ing myself
412
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,160
so you could
Wheeler me back in.
413
00:17:12,162 --> 00:17:15,842
Just whiz into this bottle
so your brother will pass
his drug test
414
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,035
and he can stay on the team.
415
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,136
All right, and then
I'll be on my way.
416
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,268
I just went,
I'm all tapped out. (scoffs)
417
00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:21,240
What am I supposed to do?
418
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,771
Just walk up
to some random stranger
419
00:17:22,772 --> 00:17:24,412
and ask if I can
borrow a cup of pee?
420
00:17:24,414 --> 00:17:25,954
I already tried that.
421
00:17:27,077 --> 00:17:28,347
Is everything okay?
422
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,579
What about her?
423
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:31,780
No.
424
00:17:35,525 --> 00:17:37,155
(grunts) Fine.
425
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,957
(chuckles)
426
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,788
Hey, um, Penny,
427
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:42,790
this is actually pretty funny.
428
00:17:42,792 --> 00:17:45,302
Uh, but I was wondering
if I could ask you just
a quick teensy, weensy favor
429
00:17:45,295 --> 00:17:47,565
that isn't weird at all.
430
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,697
Will you mind, uh,
filling this bottle
with your urine
431
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,870
so my brother doesn't
fail his drug test?
432
00:17:55,405 --> 00:17:56,905
I'll hold your wine.
433
00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:05,423
Hey. Hey.
434
00:18:05,415 --> 00:18:06,685
Have you seen Danny Wheeler?
435
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,516
Yeah. He's passed out
in the training room.
436
00:18:08,518 --> 00:18:11,758
If he doesn't turn his cup in
in five minutes, he'll get
suspended.
437
00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:14,423
Oh, my god.
What am I gonna do?
438
00:18:22,132 --> 00:18:23,402
Game on.
439
00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:27,776
(deep voice) Wheeler.
440
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,108
All right,
time to go.
441
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,339
Let's hit the ice!
442
00:18:31,341 --> 00:18:34,041
(all cheering)
443
00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:36,823
Bonnie:
Wait a second,
I forgot to put on my cup!
444
00:18:41,151 --> 00:18:43,451
I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
445
00:18:43,453 --> 00:18:45,563
Any way that was also
a fake Penny?
446
00:18:45,555 --> 00:18:46,855
Nope.
447
00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:50,226
You asked the actual girl
to pee in a water bottle.
448
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:52,100
But you know what,
449
00:18:52,101 --> 00:18:53,931
you aren't the only one
that screwed this up.
450
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:57,443
I can't believe I forgot
to factor in the whole
Wheeler family.
451
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,167
I can change you
as much as I want,
452
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:03,039
but it takes a pretty
special person to love
all the Wheelers.
453
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,682
You should know.
You kind of have
loved all the Wheelers.
454
00:19:05,675 --> 00:19:07,315
Shut it.
455
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,749
Look,
456
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,380
Riley, I may be
all look and no listen,
457
00:19:13,383 --> 00:19:16,263
but I'm also all love
and no judgment.
458
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:19,286
And that is the kind
of person I need to find
for Emma and for me.
459
00:19:19,289 --> 00:19:21,259
The bottom line is
460
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:24,431
if you don't find a guy
asking you to pee in a bottle
on the first date funny,
461
00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,144
then I'm not the guy for you.
462
00:19:26,135 --> 00:19:30,195
I need a girl
who likes me for me.
463
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,940
I'm sure she's out there
somewhere and when
the time's right,
464
00:19:32,942 --> 00:19:34,502
we'll find each other.
465
00:19:34,504 --> 00:19:36,414
Wow.
466
00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:38,306
That was really deep.
467
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:40,378
Honey, um, hi.
468
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,110
What-- What are you doing?
What are you doing up here?
469
00:19:42,111 --> 00:19:43,411
Aren't you supposed to
be down there?
470
00:19:43,413 --> 00:19:44,653
Wait, isn't that you?
471
00:19:44,654 --> 00:19:46,164
Wow.
472
00:19:46,155 --> 00:19:47,455
I'm playing great.
473
00:19:47,457 --> 00:19:48,887
-(crashing)
-(crowd groans)
474
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,089
Get up, Danny!
Get up!
475
00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:56,134
(Zoey laughs)
476
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:58,965
I can't believe you asked
your date to pee in a cup.
That's hilarious.
477
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,328
Right?
Thank you.
478
00:20:03,273 --> 00:20:05,283
Oh, I, um--
I almost forgot. Um...
479
00:20:06,376 --> 00:20:07,906
Here's that bottle
you wanted to borrow.
480
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:11,407
Thanks. I'm completely out,
I don't know where they keep
disappearing to.
481
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,881
Just be glad you don't
have roommates that steal
them for beer.
482
00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:15,113
(both chuckle)
483
00:20:16,145 --> 00:20:17,615
Anything else
I can do for you?
484
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:23,250
Uh, no.
That was it.
485
00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:24,793
I'll see you around.
486
00:20:24,794 --> 00:20:25,834
Okay.
487
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,429
So much for that idea.
488
00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:37,405
Mommy!
489
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:39,367
Yeah, I'm sorry, baby.
That's not Mama.
490
00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,009
That's just a friend.
491
00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:42,870
I don't think
she sees me that way.
492
00:20:42,872 --> 00:20:44,542
Hey, where you going, huh?
493
00:20:48,077 --> 00:20:49,177
-(whistle on TV)
-(Bonnie sighs)
494
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,749
Oh, there you are.
495
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,751
I've been meaning to thank you
for helping me out last night.
496
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,083
But I am done.
497
00:20:55,084 --> 00:20:56,294
I've learned my lesson.
498
00:20:56,286 --> 00:20:58,256
I am not using mind-altering
substances anymore.
499
00:21:01,331 --> 00:21:02,761
Well, that's nice, honey.
500
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,232
But you know what would really
help you learn your lesson?
501
00:21:05,234 --> 00:21:07,474
Being suspended
for three games.
502
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,697
-What?
-Yeah, it turns out
503
00:21:08,698 --> 00:21:10,598
that Penny Paulsen was
a bit of a pothead, so...
504
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,940
Oh, god, my back.
It's still killing me.
505
00:21:13,943 --> 00:21:15,713
(sighs deeply) Ow.
506
00:21:15,705 --> 00:21:17,645
Take two of these
and call me in the morning.
507
00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:21,809
And the student
becomes the master.
35350
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