Original subtitles

OK, then, folks, the score's going into the final round.

And in third place, with 67 points, it's the Lakers win.

And in second place, with 74 points, Mark, Brian and the two Johns, which

the prize prize in first place, as usual, with 83 points, it's the team

name. Thank you, morons. Thank you, cretins. And not forgetting you simple

of course. Thanks. Thanks for coming out.

Topper. If any of you are new to the Blue Swamp Quiz, by the way, and are

wondering how come the team with the pub's owner on it always does so well,

me assure you that there's nothing funny going on. Adam isn't the cheating type.

Not in quizzes, anyway.

I'll just tell her.

Okay, then.

Question one.

Who was the second president of the United States?

Easy.

Question two.

In computing, what does the acronym...

BIOS, Stanford.

This is your turn, surely? Yeah, it's basic input -output system.

Question three.

Where was the 1962 World Cup held?

Come on, come on.

Norway. Are you sure?

Fairly sure.

Nearly. Good man. Almost.

Why are you here, exactly?

Lawrence.

Fairly sure.

Isn't sure. Just put Norway, for God's sake. Question four.

Who is the author of the Twilight series of books?

Stephanie Myers.

Kathy, you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't look fine. I'm fine. Okay.

Oh, you ran away with it in the end?

Forty -six.

Norway, Tony.

Norway. Chile, yeah. I remember now.

Who do you remember now? Who remembers now?

Shh, Lawrence. You're in ten nights, Tony.

This isn't your first little slip -up.

Eight hundredth time with only a bloody quiz. We can't afford passengers, that's

all I'm saying. No passengers.

Adam, we'll talk to you tomorrow.

So look.

Look, he got one wrong. Big deal. He's supposed to be spoiled, okay? He's

supposed to be spoiled. What's the point of him if he doesn't know kids? Catch a

grip of yourself, man, for God's sake.

Kathy, what is up? There's obviously something wrong.

They're letting me go. I'm losing my job.

Oh, Kathy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

Me and two others.

So that's it. Thanks and goodbye.

I'm sorry I haven't cried all day. I must have been in shock. That's all

Oh, my God, to survive the mortgage alone.

Look, I could lend you or whatever. No, no, no. Just in the short term. No, no,

no. Absolutely not.

Thanks, Adam. Well, what about this?

We could be doing some more floor staff inside.

You know, just some waitressing in the afternoons and collecting glasses at

night. Like, it wouldn't exactly be a career, but it'd be better than nothing.

Tide you over?

I don't know.

You'd be doing me a favour.

And I'd still give you Tuesday nights off for the quiz.

Sounds to me like Adam's making up a job just to help you out, but I think you'd

be mad not to take it.

Herpetology is the study of reptiles and amphibians.

Immunology is obviously the study of the immune system.

Kinectology is the study of movement.

Waves are a way of emotions, okay.

Kematology, uh, the study of... Lauren?

Yeah?

Cup of tea?

No thanks, Maya Grant.

Well, ecology is... Peter, how's it going? It's going.

Listen, would you do me a favour? At some point today I'm sort of...

What the hell's going on in there? Lawrence, don't be sad.

He said he wanted a word.

Huh? A townie.

What are you talking about, Lawrence? Listen, you might not have had the nice

going on in your life, but I did. What's going on?

Nothing. That doesn't sound like nothing.

Just get out of my kitchen. Excuse me, it's my kitchen. Not you, him.

Yeah, I was gone anyway.

Let me guess.

You fired me.

From the team.

Says it's for the best.

Cool.

Sorry, Tony.

That's no big deal. Keep walking, you.

It's just Lawrence gets these notions.

You know, I'd offer to have a word with him, so you know what he's like.

Forget about it. Got a bit excited there, but it's no big deal.

Yeah, you said that.

Okay, then.

One of those things. What can you do?

I've forgotten it already.

Look at me like that. It had to be done.

Did it, though. He seems a bit upset. I'm upset, too.

It's never easy when you have to let someone go.

Oh, poor you, Lawrence.

Look, this can't keep happening.

Tony was a replacement for Frances.

Who was a replacement for Peanut?

Who was a replacement for Maggie? Sorry, last time, I swear.

It's ridiculous.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, I know you don't mean it. I really don't.

But we're one short in the team.

Again.

Yeah, it's a problem.

And I don't really know any replacements.

I mean, there's no one I could... Hiya, Adam. Afternoon, lady.

Maybe you could... OK.

See what I can do.

Thanks.

How are you feeling today?

I'm OK.

No point in whinging.

I've got some holidays to take, so I'm out of here as soon as I can clear up a

few things.

Are you going to think about coming to work for me?

I will, I promise.

Good enough.

So, it looks like we are one done, quiz -wise.

What? How? Yeah, Lawrence did a little bit of letting go of his own.

Tony's out.

What's the matter with him? He's such a... I agree.

No, no, no. He's a complete and utter whatever you were about to call him.

But he is my oldest friend.

And I've run out of other friends I can ask to join the team.

Lawrence never really had any to begin with.

Do you know anybody?

You've run out of friends?

Yeah. But I'm the last person you asked to join. Right. So that means I am at

the very bottom of your friend list. Is that right?

Please, Kathy, just give it some thought.

You know how much the quiz means to him.

I'd hate to see what he'd be like if he didn't have an outlet.

Okay, Adam, okay. Anything for you.

Bring it.

Oh, and someone good.

I brought along a girlfriend once.

Pretty, but she didn't do too well.

Lawrence took her part.

She's an alcoholic now.

Not that the two are necessarily related or anything.

See ya.

Oh, and knowledge of sport, a bonus.

I'll try my best.

Thank you.

The chocolate bars are 20 cents each. Isn't that right?

Which is stupid because chocolate bars cost a lot more than 20 cents, really.

Tell me about it.

And the comic?

It's 50 cents, isn't it?

Also stupid.

And do you have a euro?

In real life, I've got eight. Okay, but in homework land.

Hi, Molly. Kathy.

Someone left me in the same room going out the front.

You scared the life out of me. I thought you were the TV license guy.

Hello, Ashley. How are you? I once saw a homeless person with that exact same

jacket on.

Honey, why don't you take your sons into your room and let us chat?

I'll come and help you later. Go on.

Sorry about that. It's a great jacket. I know.

So, what's the crack?

I'm going to be unemployed in a matter of days.

That's not the crack.

No.

Kathy, that's terrible.

It's not ideal, no.

But why? What happened?

God, what'll you do?

Long term, haven't a clue. Short term, Adam Lynch has asked me to help out at

the pub, but I don't think I'll take him up on it.

Why not?

Oh, well, it's silly.

Should we tell him anyway?

Well, I've always prided myself on being immune to Adam's charms, and since he

asked me on the quiz team, I'm not feeling quite so immune.

Well, he's not hard to look at, I'll give you that.

No, he isn't. And if I have to be around him all day long, I don't think it'll

be good for me. Apple tea?

Tea. Right.

I have to ask you a favour. The aforementioned quiz team, will you give

whirl? We're one person short.

Is that so?

Yeah, what do you say?

What about your man, the obsessive guy who learns off all the lips? Oh, Lauren,

collective nouns for animals is the latest.

It's a shrewdness of apes, apparently.

I knew that.

He's not that bad. He's just a bit unfinished.

Please, Molly.

You'd be doing me a favour.

I don't know. Sure, maybe I'd be no good. Oh, I wouldn't be asking you if I

thought you'd be no good, believe me. And what about Ashley?

She's a bit young, isn't she?

Your mum could take her, surely?

Hmm. She's a tough offer.

What'll I win?

A warm, fuzzy feeling.

Ah, come on.

You could do with the night out.

Leaving the house for the purposes of fun.

Just trying to get my head around the idea. Molly, no, no, you just...

a flake of a last copy and now it's all guts.

Sign me up.

Come on.

First of all, I want you to know that I'm not in the habit of doing this.

But that soup, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever been served in my entire

life.

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?

Taste it.

It's like pond water. Heat it up.

Well?

I think you're exaggerating.

Are you arguing with me?

Have you never heard the expression... Sorry to interrupt.

My name's Adam Lynch. I'm the owner. Is there a problem?

There is, as a matter of fact. That soup is rancid. Taste it. No need. If you

say it's rancid, that's good enough for me. I apologize.

It's just that Tony's soups aren't normally the talk of the town.

Isn't that right, Tony?

Yeah.

Your lunch?

Your new lunch will be free of charge, obviously, and I'd like to invite you to

eat here again.

At any time. Also free of charge.

Well, you're very... Thank you.

That is a beautiful necklace.

Both of you, bitch.

Please don't refer to our customers as bitches, Tony. It's just a little bit on

the unprofessional side. I know what she drives, your one. Big black Beamer. If

you want, I can scoot out and let the air out of her tires. If I want.

Yeah, that's not a real suggestion, though, is it? Because sometimes I can't

tell with you. No, no. I'm joking.

Joking.

Still, the old tyre trick. It's classic for a reason.

Yeah.

That's experience talking, is it?

I said too much already.

Is everything all right, Tony?

Anything on your mind?

You're not still all annoyed about Lawrence and the quiz, are you? Nah, me

And he'll get his, don't you worry.

Right.

But please don't mess with his tyres. They're the only parts of his car that

work like they're supposed to.

OK.

I'll think of something.

It's yourself.

Please tell me you're here to accept my offer.

I am here to accept your offer.

Fantastic.

Do you want me to show you around now? Not now.

I understand.

Another time.

Well done on recruiting... Molly, Moony.

She'd be good, too.

Very smart cookie.

Oh, yeah?

And what does she do?

She gives French grants for living certifications.

She was studying languages, but when her daughter came along, she had to drop

out. Oh.

Why? I was a kid's father. Don't tell me.

Still hasn't stopped running? Actually, he's dead.

Good man.

Nicely done.

Dermot, he was called.

They were a long -term thing, very serious for that age.

They didn't plan Aisling, obviously, but when she was coming along, they were

going to get married and everything.

What happened?

It's not like it's a secret or anything, but... OK.

When Molly was about seven months gone, Dermot went to Australia for his

brother's wedding. The whole family went.

It was a trip of a lifetime, you know.

Anyway, one day they chartered a boat to go island hopping, deep sea fishing and

what have you.

Dermot went over to the side at one point for a swim.

And he drowned.

Not drowned.

Eaten.

By a shark.

Oh, he was not. Oh, he was, yes.

Big shark.

Some tourist got the whole thing on video. It's on the Internet.

My God.

Poor Molly.

She doesn't see the funny side.

What's the funny side? People on the Internet seem to think it's the scream.

You should see some of the comments.

Like what?

A lot of them LOL.

Laughing out loud.

Hey, sorry, I was just leaving. Come here.

Come here.

Do you have that new movie with some type of his name? Short hair.

He used to be in an airplane thing with your woman with her name. Blonde.

Big. Pops. I don't know what you're talking about. You do.

You do.

What do you call it? Do you know what the film is about?

It's about a cop on the edge.

I think, or the run. It's supposed to be brilliant. I'm sorry, I can't help you

unless you give me more information. Never mind.

I didn't think it was having a wee place like this. I'm not saying I haven't got

it. I try and make a vision.

They're bound to have it.

They have everything.

Well, why don't you try them in the first place if they're so great?

They don't allow chaps. Well, neither do we, and I was just in the way I told

you.

Cheers, Connor.

I don't like the sound of this one little bit.

It's doomed.

I'm telling you now, it's doomed.

Hindenburg, New Coke, Lehman Brothers.

Would you relax?

It'll be fine.

We're not a social club for single mothers who need a night out. I'm aware

that.

And I know Kathy's worked out fine. She's pulled her weight.

Fair play to her. But that doesn't buy any special favors.

Business is business.

I'm in no mood.

Clearly. Clearly. And if this friend of Kathy's isn't up to snitch... Hey!

This is Molly.

Molly, Adam and Lawrence.

Adam, nice to meet you. Heard, love.

Likewise. Pleasure.

Lawrence, nice to meet you too.

How are you in sport?

Me?

Hopeless.

Well, I've just gone home.

You guys okay for a drink? Good.

Drink? Yeah.

Doomed. OK, then, folks, the end is nigh.

Near. Not long now till we can declare the team with no name the winners again

and get on with the rest of our lives.

Question six.

In a TV show, Doctor Who, who is the creator and leader of the Daleks?

Ah, Tara, they're unborn children who could answer that.

She must be exhausted.

Oh, but it's exhaustion and not just boredom.

It's boredom, isn't it?

Hurry up, humans. We haven't got all night. Time to move along to the next

question.

That was a Dalek.

Question seven. Which boarding icon wrote the autobiography My Side?

Happy. No. Uh -oh.

No. We're supposed to be books.

But this isn't books anyway. It's sport.

Right, that's it.

Which sporting icon has an autobiography called My Side?

David Beckham. Why?

Well, you're not going to believe this, but shortly after you dropped off, this

started a quiz of all things.

Sarcasm. What a treat.

David Beckham.

Positive.

You have a nice nap?

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be. You must have needed it.

My little girl had a bad night last night, tummy -wise, if you follow me.

She had a hot dog. Listen.

You two can have your mother and toddler meeting in a few minutes. There's still

work to be done here.

He's quite the charmer, isn't he?

It's like being out with David and Evan.

Question eight.

In what year did Bjorn Borg win his last women's title?

1980.

It might have been 1981.

Write whatever you like, but it's 1980.

He went 76 to 80.

It's no big deal either way.

47th in the bag.

47? What's 47?

If, when we win tonight, it will be 47 times in a row.

No. When I say we, I mean Adam Lawrence and whoever. This team has had more

members than Fleetwood Mac.

Five more times and that'll be an entire calendar year, which Lawrence here is

very excited about.

Aren't you, Lawrence?

You know I am.

Question nine.

Who are Jeanette and Ian Tuff?

Ah, good question for a change.

They are characters in the penal.

No, no, incorrect.

Cathy? Well, if you know, what does it matter if I know, which I don't?

Snoopy.

I'm pretty sure Jeanette and Ian Tuff are the crankies.

Ah, yeah.

Crankies. What the hell are those two up to?

Question ten, the last question of the night. Which organ of the body produces

insulin?

Well, do you know this one yourself, or...? I know it. I'm wondering if you

Insulin is produced by the pancreas.

Mine is, anyway.

Correct. Thank you.

Not the same, Molly. You're pretty good. Pretty good? She answered every one.

Since she woke up.

Right, I'll get the drinks in before he gets mawkish. Same again, everyone? Yep.

Molly, before I forget, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about

Dermot. What?

Adam told me about his swim.

Absolutely tragic.

It must have been terrible for you.

Just brutal altogether.

Bad enough to die so young, but then that.

Eating it.

And then to have people laughing about it on the internet.

Laughing?

Who's laughing?

Nobody.

What? Amazing animals are all the same, sharks. Do you know their skeletons are

made of cartilage and... Not bone. There are over 400... 400 separate species...

of them.

Molly? The young are called pops.

I'm going.

I'm going and I'm not coming back.

You can stick your crazy, insensitive dick.

Kathy, I'll be wanting a word with you tomorrow.

Okay.

What did you say now?