Original subtitles

Steve!

Hello, Freddy.

Thought it was you.

Couldn't mistake that elegant shoulder.

Good evening.

Certainly can't pick up a steed. You always could.

Didn't mind my saying hello, did you?

Not at all.

I haven't embarrassed you, I hope.

I couldn't just walk by without saying hello, could I?

Well, uh... Hi, sweetie.

Ready.

Are you all right?

Fine, fine.

Well, how are things?

Oh, fine.

You?

The department's still managing to function without me, aren't they?

Just about.

You see, if only they'd give me a second chance.

Perhaps if you could put a word in for me.

No, of course not, no.

Yes.

It'd be unfair to ask.

It's been a long time, far too long.

You're keeping that delicious young lady waiting.

Freddy, can we drop you something?

No, no, no, no, thank you.

Look, let me...

He's definitely here, sir.

He's in there, sir. I saw him.

Right.

You, by the stairs. You, by the door.

He's in there, sir.

If possible.

I want him alive.

He isn't here, sir.

I told you, sir.

I told you I saw him.

Oh!

Show me your hand.

Your hand!

It's all right, sir.

He only nipped it, sir. He didn't even draw blood.

I'm sorry, Taman.

Oh, no.

No, sir.

Please, Professor Tarnasar.

Please, Professor Tarnasar.

Please! Please!

It was the

kindest way.

And that's as far as he got. And the line went dead.

Power failure?

I haven't been able to raise him since.

Fat man arriving 11 .37 HR.

Heathrow Airport.

Wednesday. Which is today.

To negotiate purchase of Midas.

Care to comment on Midas?

There's nothing food named Midas in our books.

It's important, whatever it is.

Negotiate purchase.

They're sending somebody all this way to negotiate.

All what way? The 11 .37 now arriving is from Paris, Milan.

And Peking.

He said he had to go and look for a fat man.

I had something altogether thinner in mind.

Midas.

A legendary king.

And everything he touched was turned to gold.

I had overlooked his sheer veracity.

He gnawed his way through the wood of the box and escaped us.

That could have been a bad mistake.

Yes, Mr. Van, but...

We have him back.

The forerunner of an illustrious line.

The Midas prototype, so to speak.

Why Midas?

Have I not discovered the way to turn drop into gold?

And as you see, Mr. Van, gold is important to me.

Oh, there are those who prefer platinum or silver.

Gold and characterless.

No, Mr. Van.

Give me gold.

Lots of gold.

Makes you feel so sunny, don't you think?

When do I meet Midas? As you know, Mr. Van Midas, or the secret of Midas,

will go to the highest bidder.

And you are not the only potential buyer.

Quite soon you will have a rival to compete against.

If he turns up.

Ready?

The last passenger went two ages ago.

Indeed, he isn't going to turn up.

He's a pro.

There are two ways of getting off a plane. Burge with the crowd, or lag

to make the uninitiated think you haven't turned up.

That's

Hong

Kong Harry.

I hardly recognised it, but I'm so much weight.

Mine. Follow that yellow car. Yellow car?

Right.

1 .45.

You see?

He isn't going to turn up.

The fat man. Whoever he is. He isn't going to keep his appointment.

I should have made things more clear.

I gave them only bad details about Midas, about his secret powers. Perhaps

should have been more specific.

Let us talk about gold, Professor.

I understand your obsession.

The mere thought of this...

This yellow metal sets your pulses racing, am I right?

Yes. To teach, to feel, to own.

With some men it is paintings, or women.

The emotion is the same.

Yes, yes.

It tightens the throat, clouds the vision.

It is Valhalla.

Yes, yes.

I feel the same about you.

Absolute power.

We can do business.

Here is my offer.

One third of the entire collection shall be yours.

You shall see my death.

Gold dust?

Yes, just like in that old Bogart movie.

You know, the one which Walter Houston directed.

What, Treasures of the... Sierra Madre?

Yes.

Walter Houston didn't direct that.

It was his son, John Houston.

You know something?

This bird certainly can drive.

You know something?

I think you're right.

Of course I am.

It's either way he handles a corner.

No, no, I mean about John Houston.

He did direct it.

who still played one of the lead.

I apologize for the inconvenience, Mr. Vann, but I'm sure you realize the

necessity.

If, mind us, is all you claim. Oh, he is.

I promise you, he is.

Thank you.

Left. Right. Left.

Bye.

We wanted him alive.

Difficult decision.

Him or you.

Gambit?

Gambit, what's the matter?

What do you mean, what's the matter?

It wasn't a difficult choice, was it, really?

Hurry, get out of here.

I'll be back.

You're barely scratched, Harry.

These acted like sandbags.

Except it isn't sand.

I'm just a courier, that's all.

A courier of half a million in gold.

Three quarters.

But that's all I know, Steve. I promise. I swear to you on my mother's grave.

Harry, you couldn't even find your mother's grave. You sold it for

years ago.

Hong Kong.

Small price.

Brands at a premium.

And my mother, big lady, she fully extended two blocks long.

Midas. What does it mean, Harry, Midas?

I don't know, Steve.

I promise you, all I do know is it's worth three quarters of a million in

Well, Mr. Van, you are convinced I trust it?

Perhaps.

I've seen Midas, that's true.

And I've heard your theories.

But in practical terms, I need something more concrete, Professor.

I rather thought you might.

Your competitors, Mr. Vann.

The man who did not turn up.

They were as skeptical as you and demanded a demonstration.

I had arranged one.

You might as well attend instead.

The man that shot our fat, thin friend, I found that on him.

What happened to him?

He sort of fell for me.

From a great height.

Just, hmm.

Why, do you prefer, hmm, hmm, hmm? Two hmms. Must be better than one hmm.

Now is the time for all good men.

Come to the aid of the party.

Hmm.

Two minutes should be enough.

For the purpose of this demonstration, I arranged for things to be speeded up.

Why not see for yourself?

You're satisfied?

Hmm.

Good.

Good. I thought you would be.

Will you leave it like that?

Evidence. Midas has his instructions.

A timed device.

Ah, here he is now.

You've set the device?

At the foot of the stairs.

Any second now and fire will obliterate any evidence.

You said very little. The demonstration was, uh, impressive, eh?

Fantastic.

Astonishing.

Scientific endeavor.

An advance in medicine.

Nothing more.

Incredible.

His face is unblemished. Is it safe to, uh, to touch?

Incredible.

But why would he allow... Why?

I trust the professor.

All right, Midas.

Dross into gold.

When I first encountered Midas, he was inevitably doomed.

But now, well, his future is golden.

Fair exchange, I'd say.

Um, you touched him with your...

Left -handed, I think.

Now, Mr. Van, let's go and talk about gold.

We are indebted to you, Mr. Steve.

Not at all. An unfortunate affair handled most fortunately.

And you have looked after our Mr. Harit most excellently.

I've got a rather soft spot for Hong Kong Harry.

I suppose because he's more scrutable than most.

We will bid you goodbye, then.

There is a small matter.

Mr. Harit's merchandise?

Oh, yes.

Thank you again, Mr. Steed.

May you have the blessing of many sons.

In view of the fact that I'm not married, many sons might prove rather an

embarrassment.

Of course, if you were prepared to become personally involved in the

Steve,

you're becoming a roué.

An optimist.

Hello? You'll have to put that good word in for me, old boy.

Who is this?

Am I?

Freddie, the deadbeat. The guy they tossed under the scrappy.

You tell them they'd better stop brushing up that red carpet.

Freddie, are you on some kind of bender?

Am I on a bender?

See, this is a mind bender. You wouldn't believe it. Look, Freddie, it's late.

I'm just about to go to bed.

The Midas touch.

What?

I grab you a boy.

What do you know about Midas?

I saw an old face from Pilton Downs.

Followed it up. Struck gold.

Freddie, this is important.

You're not telling me.

Where are you now?

I better call the shots now, boy, I think.

I'll meet you at dawn.

Same place.

Just like the old times.

Freddie!

What happened?

An intruder. A burglar. I don't know.

Where?

Don't worry.

He hit me.

A brief touch.

But he did hit me with his bare fist.

Who was Freddy, anyway?

Who was Freddy? It'd be more to the point. Very good man. One.

One?

His nerve broke.

So he tried to prop it up with booze.

And then the man broke.

Okay.

You didn't touch any of them? No, I walked through them, pulled off a face

But you didn't come into contact with bare flesh? No.

Nurse.

Now, wait a minute. Just to be on the safe side, one never knows, does one?

No, one doesn't. What happened to you?

Oh, dear. I thought you might tell me.

A lot of people ended up dead.

Doug.

But what did they die of?

Our tests are only preliminary, you understand.

But so far, it appears these people died of typhus, typhoid.

Malaria, pneumonia, smallpox, black water fever, and beriberi.

Yes, Mr. Gambit, they died of everything.

Yes.

As you know, Midas, we are selling your... our services to Mr. Vann, and

rightly, he has demanded you practice what he wants of you.

A rehearsal, if you like.

A dress rehearsal.

Your most royal highness.

Now, on the day, General, I will then escort the princess towards the door,

from the honored guests, like so.

And my men will escort her to the car. Right. Do you want to go through that

again? No, we've rehearsed enough.

And we are ready for anything.

We've rigged a device on every door. A gun, a knife, anything metallic that

registers.

So unless an assassin plans to use his bare hands... Assassin?

My dear general, you see assassins everywhere.

There has been one attempt.

Bungled and slipshod.

And what happened to the would -be assassin?

Torn to pieces by a devoted populace.

Our most royal highness is the last of the line.

I am aware of that.

I am equally aware that any anti -monarchist movement that took her life

be rejected by our people out of sheer sentiment.

Our greatest enemy is probably the common cold.

If the princess died a natural death, then, and only then, would an anti

-monarchist group stand any chance at all.

With... His bare hands.

Died of everything.

Everything.

Contagion run riot.

That explains why Freddy did what he did.

Who's Freddy?

A man who never quite forgot what he once had been.

No, that's not a riddle.

An epitaph.

He said one significant thing.

A face remembered from Pilton Down.

Pilton Down was closed six years ago.

Certain. Not that I'm sad about that. Germ warfare.

Never seen quite sporting.

Which face did he remember?

I'm hoping that Purdy will find out.

Hilton Downs had an administration of over a hundred.

All gone their separate ways.

But you were a security officer there. Yeah.

You must have known them all.

What?

Not like that, man.

Look, wait here. I've got to put these fellas through their paces.

Sharpie Long.

That's it, lad!

Shutting down is a big barrel of apples. Any rotten ones, Martha?

Well, of course not. Everyone has the courage to clear it.

Watch it!

This is no place for you.

Miss... Mrs... Just Purdy.

Where would you prefer me? In the kitchen?

Tending the nursery?

In bed?

Come on, get off your rock. Get moving.

Come on.

They weren't too eccentric, of course.

Oddball.

Odd.

In what way?

Quirky. Obsessed with their work.

Careful, lad.

Come on, make yourself.

Don't stop that, Parker.

Come on.

Get up.

Make yourself up, lad.

This is the danger, Swan.

I'll see you in a moment.

you on the bottom.

Come on.

Move yourself.

Come on.

Were they all obsessed with their work?

Well, scientific, Chappies.

Always obsessed with something.

Wine, food, promotion, lack of promotion, a bigger office, more

Gold? Well, he was an extreme case.

Well, some said he used to go chasing after rainbows to find a crock of gold.

Old Goldomania, we called him. Golda who?

Professor Turner.

Strictly in it for the cash.

Cash he turned immediately into gold. Crazy.

Come on!

One leg or two, why don't you go around with this? Right now!

I think Professor Turner is our man.

I know what he looks like, but that's about all.

There hasn't been any trace of him since he left Pilton Down.

Where are you now, and what are you doing?

Vibrating. Having a hunch.

Getting myself a lucky break, I hope.

What? He always had a yen for gold, to the point of obsession.

What's that got to do with it?

Just look at the advertisement on page two of the Times.

Page two of the Times?

Purdy!

Purdy!

No, no, no. The red carpet must extend from here to the front door. Of course.

I'll attend to it, Prime Minister.

And I know the photographers require lights, but they must remain

They must... Excuse me.

You fool.

Come here.

I had to see.

A third of this, a third of all this shall be mine.

That is still the bargain.

Yes, yes. Now please go.

Professor.

Because this is only a preview.

Tomorrow the entrance will be formally opened by Hermann Reuterheim. She's not

here, but her car is.

Goldomania?

Ah, you have been checking up on me.

A name they coined for me at Pilton Down.

Coined by soulless fools who could not know the sheer sensual pleasure of gold.

Pure gold.

You are very beautiful, yet in my eyes quite worthless in comparison to her.

I bet she can't cook an omelette.

French style.

With fine herb.

A tiny sliver of her would buy me a hundred omelettes. But then the

the flesh have never had great attraction for me.

What do we do with her?

Ah, yes, what indeed.

No.

No unnecessary violence.

And we shall be gone from here in a few hours.

You back to your own country in triumph and me to the foothills of South

America. They say there is gold there.

It didn't do Humphrey Bogart much good.

The treasure of the Sierra Madre.

Most people think Walter Houston directed it.

It was John.

I saw her when you brought her in. She is beautiful.

And I'm lonely.

Professor, you promised me.

One day.

Very well.

After your mission is accomplished.

Problem solved.

We'll give her to Midas.

His kisses will be passionate and tender.

Indeed, your relationship will be meaningful.

But very brief.

Mr. Gambit. Where's Hong Kong Harry?

Mr. Hurried has departed to other shores. You owe us a favor.

It is true. I do have a small duty to your Mr. Thief. Harry was sent here to

barter with a Professor Turner.

We know that now.

But what we don't know is where Turner is.

But you do.

Mr. Gambit, it is very late. Very, very damn late.

Turner's grabbed Purdy and we want her back.

If you would care to put your request through the proper chapter... There

time for that.

Good night, Mr. Gambit.

I'm sorry.

I would prefer you to leave of your own volition.

I must warn you, Mr. Gambit.

Troy here is our physical education attaché.

A top -class bodyguard.

Grade A.

Tell him to stay where he is.

Unless you want this to blow up into an international incident.

Have you any idea what Midas is?

What you were bidding for?

Do you know what Turner was working on at Pilton Down?

The ultimate in carriers.

Look, a healthy rat can carry plague and remain immune.

The common housefly can carry a dozen deadly diseases but remain unaffected.

Take that to the ultimate.

A man.

A human being.

Scientifically infected with every deadly disease in the book but not

himself.

No signs even.

Every symptom hidden. Kept at bay.

By drugs.

A man who could walk into this room.

Take your hand.

And kill you just as surely as if he put a bullet into you.

Midas.

Now, are you going to help us find Purdy?

Somewhere around here.

I thought you knew.

Well...

We

must have it. If I'm to get him in before the others arrive.

Keep an eye on the girl.

It'll be a pleasure.

Don't touch her.

She's mine.

Professor, you promised.

He has his order.

I can't touch.

But they didn't say anything about looking.

I've seen ugly faces before.

It's crazy.

Wasting you on my death.

I'm still not touching.

If you did touch, who'd tell them?

Eh?

Certainly not me.

Are you serious?

You never find out until you try.

Are you okay?

You'll be happy to hear I'm free from infection.

That is nice to know.

Gambit, we wanted him awake.

Never mind, it was good practice.

All the glitters is gold.

Where are they? I don't know.

He might have been able to tell us, but Gambit hit him with one of his

haymakers. He might have been able to explain the hand kissing. Hand kissing?

Yes, you know.

They were practicing it to perfection.

They were rehearsing.

Rehearsing for what?

What do you do when you meet a princess?

Well, I meet so many.

You might kiss her hand.

Her Most Royal Highness will receive the bouquet here, then move into the body

of the hall.

Yes. And then I shall be presented.

Oh, be quite sure to get a clear, big picture. Yes.

Those chosen to be presented will line up along there. And you will not speak

Her Most Royal Highness unless... until she addresses you. Naturally, that goes

without saying.

Oh, I do so love royals.

There are so few real monarchs left. Indeed.

And yet, I understand that even in your country, there is a movement to

overthrow the monarchy.

Rumours.

Just rumours.

Oh, really?

I thought that there had actually already been one assassination attempt.

This is hardly the conversation for such an occasion.

Oh, yes, of course.

Definitely not. No.

Shortcut. The perdition.

Your most royal highness.

Now, if your royal highness would graciously consent to meet some honoured

guests.

You should take up motor racing.

I did.

Le Mans.

Spa.

Monza.

Daytona.

I crashed at the mall.

Sir Anthony Benson.

Your Highness.

Lord Robert. Your Highness.

And, of course, Lord Elliston.

Your Highness.

You may remember that Lord Elliston visited our country recently at the head

a cultural mission.

Rear Admiral Finiston.

Charmed.

The curator.

It really is the most marvellous honour, your most royal highness.

Marvellous.

Something I shall treasure all my life.

May I present Lord...

My desk.

No!

Isn't there something to talk about back at the palace?

Don't let him touch you, whatever you do.

If you're thinking of bestowing an award, Your Highness, could you possibly

it three?