Original subtitles

Thank you.

Beautiful gun, Tara.

It is, isn't it? My uncle had it made specially.

Then he never used it.

Why not?

Oh, the young man married my cousin of his own free will.

Are you sure you don't want to come sailing with me?

February and the Channel is not my idea of heaven.

Now I'm going to the heart of the country.

Shooting, fishing, fine wine, good food.

Away from it all.

Sergeant Groom.

It's nice to see you, old chap. You're looking very fit. I don't know how you

it. The years just don't seem to leave any mark on you.

Thank you, sir. Well, isn't that lovely?

She's a beauty, isn't she?

Yes, sir.

You'll be a good chap, will you? Give Sexton and Lomax a hand with the bags.

I don't think we've met before, sir. I'm Sergeant Groom. But of course you are.

Would you take those two, Sergeant?

Well, isn't this a charming room?

It's absolutely charming.

And a log fire.

You can keep all your modern heating methods.

Nothing compares with an English log fire for keeping out the chill of

Good morning. Laura, my dear Laura, you look absolutely lovely.

There's no doubt about it, the country life suits you. There's no other word

it. You look radiant.

Thank you.

Good morning, Mrs Bassett. Oh, groom, put my bag into the blue room, will you?

The others go into the guest room. Oh, uh, leave the... Natasha, get down here.

The guest rooms aren't ready yet. Oh, don't you worry about that. Sexton and

Lomax are perfectly well house -trained. They'll do all that has to be done.

I don't like your curtains at all, but these apples are really lovely.

Of course you haven't met before.

That's the bishop, Laura Bassers.

Hello. Oh, I always use my left hand when I meet people. It confuses them.

I think the white walls are very nice, though.

Cersei works very hard at being a character, don't you, Cersei, my dear?

Now, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself ready?

Joe!

Look, this may seem awful, but I honestly don't remember our meeting. Oh,

perfectly understandable, my dear.

Don't give it another thought.

You're friends with my husband? Where is Bill?

Well, he won't be long. It's just that he didn't tell me we were having guests.

Well, there's no reason why he should.

Now, what's for lunch?

To tell you the truth, I am famished.

Lunch? Now, don't you worry your pretty little head about it. We'll let Fecton

take over the kitchen. He loves to cook.

It's perfect up there. A lovely view.

Hello, darling.

Oh,

good.

Darling, tell me you're expecting people. They've been waiting for you.

Sorry, I don't understand.

We haven't met, have we?

No, never.

But you said... No, no, my dear. You said.

Who are you?

My name is Fenton Grenville.

And you're Bill Bassett.

Well, now we're all here, we might as well begin.

Sexton, would you please lock the door?

Now, just a minute. Exactly what's going on? Now, Bill, be a good chap.

Up to now, everything has been civilized and quite delightful.

Don't spoil it.

I'm not going to have perfect strangers walking into my... Sergeant Bill.

I'm ready.

Oh, good.

Then let's begin with Sergeant Groom, shall we? Would you walk over to the

table, Sergeant?

Now, I don't want you to struggle. It isn't going to hurt.

Now, don't be heroic, Bill.

You're next.

You'll see it won't hurt at all.

Excuse me.

Please don't struggle.

We'll leave you till last, my dear.

I want you to see this, Fessy.

The address where I'm staying.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, there's one other thing.

You might like to call in on your way back. I know they'd love to see you.

Oh, I will.

All right, then. Lights off. Windows locked.

Pencils. Writing paper.

Your address.

Thanks.

It's awful.

It's awful coffee.

It's not fresh.

You'd think people who lived in a house like this would at least afford fresh

coffee.

I'd like to pilot an aeroplane.

That's what I'd really like to do.

Just me and all that sky.

I'd fly and fly and fly and fly.

It's awful coffee.

It's not fresh.

Ah, coffee. It's awful.

Will you join me? How long is this going on?

I don't think they want any coffee.

Oh, don't blame them. It's awful.

You could at least tell us the reason for all this.

Incidentally, section, the veal was superb.

My own recipe. Oh, it was quite superb.

The sexton's going to open a restaurant of his own one day.

No, just a tiny place. No more than ten tables for people who really care about

food. With fresh coffee. For heaven's sake, what are you trying to do? Why?

What's all this about?

I can't bear raised voices.

And hysteria in a man is very unbecoming.

If you'll excuse me, I must talk with Lomax.

We shan't be watching you all the time, but honestly, I do think it would be

better if you didn't try to leave the house.

I want to try something, sir.

I'm going to try and get to the village.

No, Bill.

Let me do it, sir. You stay and look after Mrs... Please don't go, Bill.

right, sir. What did she do to us?

I don't know.

If they're in the turret room, they'll see you if you go this way.

My best chance is out through the front.

Yes, but the girl's out there.

If you could get her away from there, I'd only need a few seconds.

One in the kitchen. What about him?

Just hope he stays there for a while. I can talk to the girl. I might even be

able to get her out of the hall.

Well, then try it.

Use your own judgment, Groff.

I'll keep an eye on the kitchen door, but once you start to go, don't stop for

anything. You can depend on us, sir. I'll be back in 20 minutes with all the

help we need.

I'm going to turn on you.

What? will you give me if I do?

Now go, now!

They want it. Yeah, but he...

This should prove an interesting object lesson.

Oh, and please let Cersei go.

You can't stop him now. He's gone away.

Go out and get him, will you?

I imagine he's somewhere between the gate and the shrubbery. May I have the

please, Mrs. Batchelor?

I think this hallway is terribly attractive.

But then, you were an interior designer, weren't you, Laura? I still don't like

the curtains. Don't you understand, Grenville? Groom's got away. Those two

haven't a hope of catching him. Whatever it was you wanted to do won't work now.

Groom will be back with help. I need to get Sexton to make me family. Listen,

it's over. You're finished.

Now get out of here.

I'm glad it wasn't either of you that made the break.

You're both such delightful people.

However, I trust that you will both learn from Sergeant Groom's unfortunate

demise.

How did you kill him?

Oh, that's not important.

No, the important thing is that you're both equally vulnerable.

You live or you die.

It's totally in my hands.

I do want you to understand that.

Good.

Then from this moment on, you will both cooperate fully and do precisely what

you were told.

Now about dinner this evening.

What gastronomic delights have you prepared for a sexton?

Or perhaps you'd rather surprise us.

February is an awful month for table setting.

No garden flowers.

And I do like flowers on my table.

Have we time for one more sherry before we dress for dinner?

Yes, of course, sir.

Will you join me?

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Hello, Bill. Hello, Laura.

And hello, Wotan.

Compliments for the season.

Just a little something for the tree, Laura.

Good to see you again. Good to see you, John. And you too, Bill.

So, we've got other guests. It's going to be the greatest Christmas we've ever

had. John Steve. Fenton Grenville. Now, what's all this about Christmas?

Bill, you haven't told them about Christmas.

You haven't told them. I'll tell you the truth. We've forgotten.

Forgotten? Martin? Not to worry. I will explain.

You see, Bill and I, we were taken prisoner in Nanking. There was no window

the cell. We lost all track of time. So we made our own calendar. Eventually we

found we'd celebrated Christmas in February.

So they'd been celebrating their own special Christmas ever since.

Only this time we really had forgotten. Oh, don't worry about that, Laura. The

main thing is we are all here together.

Now, any other guests?

Yes, my two assistants and my niece.

Your knitwear. That makes one, two, three, seven. Great for party games. I

the crackers, the party hats, the lot in the car. It'll be just like old times.

Then I consider myself fortunate to be able to join your celebration, Mr.

We were just about to change for dinner.

Shall we leave the rest of the introductions until then?

I think that's a very good idea. I'll just select my things.

And again, happy Christmas.

Why didn't you tell me?

We'd forgotten.

It's true.

All right.

All right.

We'll go through with this charade.

We're business associates.

But if he guesses there's anything wrong, if you even hint at it, you are

Do you wish to hear it again, Mr. Steed?

No, I don't think so.

Let's go ahead.

Very well. Shall I begin?

Mm -hmm.

Scorofino's Concerto for Percussion and Woodwind.

That's very good. Firstly right.

Now your turn.

Conducted by... Hempelhofer.

That magic battle.

You can't mistake it.

It's like a saber.

Flashing on a sunny afternoon.

Now it's your turn.

The musicians.

Oh, the Berliner Ensemble.

That's very good.

You're very good, Mr. Granville.

Recorded where?

Deutsche Record Studio M in Hamburg.

There's a very distinctive resonance to anything recorded before 1959. Now,

after that time, it's not as easily identifiable.

You're quite an authority, Mr. Steed.

Oh, just the simple ones, you know. I'll ask you a simple question.

The name of the percussionist.

Fritz Reiner? Oh, hard luck. It was nearly right.

Now, that makes you owe me... 20 guineas. Now, wait a minute. You haven't

him yourself yet.

Hans Reiner. It's Fritz's brother.

You see, Hans uses drumsticks that are carved out of ivory.

Fritz's drumsticks are made of whalebone.

That's how you can tell the difference.

Hans Reiner it was.

You have a fine ear, Mr. Steed.

I hope you hang on to it.

Well, thank you.

Well, you did get Tchaikovsky's...

Nutcracker sweet. What shall we play now, eh?

Oh, I'm awfully sorry. I made it into music.

Well, I'd better take Lomax some food, though I doubt he'll appreciate it.

That makes four.

How about a game of bridge?

No, I don't think so, Steve. It's getting late and Bill and I have to go

some very important papers. I think we should do that now, Bill. Will you

us?

I hadn't seen a room clear so quickly since Freddy Furman took a live skunk

the Turkish baths.

Oh, Bill.

The less contact you have with Steed, the better.

Go to your room and stay there.

You've got nice ears.

Nice head.

Fenton? Doesn't like you very much.

He's very proud of his esoteric knowledge.

You shouldn't have won that bet.

I'm a bad loser.

Do you think I'm pretty?

I think I am.

I think I could be very pretty.

Who am I to argue with a lady? I'm not a lady. That's why I was expelled from

medical school.

It's my name. It affected my whole character.

Ah. the Greek goddess Circe, who could turn men into wild beasts.

Except I can't.

I need to have my nose altered, you know. Then I'll be really pretty.

It's a very nice nose.

Oh, it's all right.

The second one I had was best, though.

I spent all my money on new noses.

Well, everyone should have a hobby. I spent absolutely every penny I get on

noses.

Every penny.

I need to bed now.

Good night, Mr. Steeve.

Good night.

You ought to leave here, Mr. Steeve.

Fenton doesn't like you at all.

Are you going to let me operate on him?

Come in.

I'm sorry. I just came in.

Very good night.

Sorry to have left you, John.

It's been a bit hectic.

Don't worry about that.

Cersei, she's an incredible creature.

Kept me very amused.

Grendel's an interesting chap. You known him long?

No.

Bill's known him for some time.

Actually, I've only just met him.

Oh, it's not important, but I... Have you hurt yourself, Bill? Oh, no.

That's just a scratch.

John, I'm afraid our celebration's something of a frost this year. Not at

I'm sorry about it, but... Well, I've got rather a lot of business worries. I

understand that. I'm going to be tied up in talks tomorrow, pretty well all day.

Yeah, well, fine, I'll amuse myself.

It won't be much fun for you. It will.

I'll take my gun. I brought it down with me.

In fact, why doesn't Sergeant Groom... Now, he can come with me.

Where is he, by the way? He's not here.

He won't be back for a few days.

Oh, I am sorry, because we... Well, I... I'll go myself.

Go where, Mr. Thiel?

I thought I'd do a little shooting tomorrow. I want to get my eye in.

You've just been trying to persuade John to go back to London.

Do you consider yourself a good shot, then?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

We'll see tomorrow.

But what about our meetings?

Oh, that can wait.

We'll make an early start, shall we? Say 6 .30?

6 .30 is fine. I'll see you then.

Well, good night, Bill.

Good night, Laura.

Is 100 guineas too high for you, Steve?

It's a good round figure.

Then that's the wager.

100 guineas for the first kill of the day.

Good night.

You've discovered my guilty secret, Mr. Steed.

Your guilty secret?

I drink.

At least, when the magic of sleep eludes me, I drink.

You wanted a brandy you were looking for?

No, but it's a very good idea.

What line are you in, Steed?

Oh, this and that, one thing or another.

I dabble. This seems excellent brandy.

If your palate is as good as your musical ear, I won't dispute your

I imagine as you're associated with Bill, you're probably in the antique

business.

Like you, I dabble.

I'm sure you underestimate yourself. Bill tells me that you're an authority

modern art.

Oh, Bill overrates me.

I like your opinion very much on a very fine impressionist.

La Première Sortie by Monet. Strange as it may seem, I'm about to buy it. I'd

very much like your professional print.

I'd be delighted.

But I'm afraid you're mixing your impressionists, Mr. Steed.

Auguste Renoir painted La Première Sortie, not Monet.

I trod, Mr. Realme.

It's almost as if you were trying to catch me up, Mr. Steed.

Now, why should I be trying to do that?

I shall sleep a lot better now.

We must be careful not to wake our hosts.

I didn't think that Laura looked well at all.

You didn't think so?

No, I didn't think so.

She's probably just tired.

Have you known them long?

Oh, two years, perhaps. When they're in Geneva, they both stay at my home.

Ah.

So, good evening.

Excellent dinner.

I get a lot of calls from the United States.

The time difference means calls in the middle of the night.

Sexton takes them for me.

I feel very secure.

A sentry outside my door.

Good night.

Good night.

The beginning is, Mr. Deed, for the man who makes the first kill of the day.

Shall we go?

We'll draw for positions, gentlemen.

Three.

One. Oh, that makes you both flank guns and puts me squarely between you. Shall

we start, gentlemen?

You two can beat Boris.

We'll drive across to the high ground on the north.

Oh!

And do stay away from the marshy ground, won't you? You could get trapped in the

mud and disappear without trace.

Well, our little wager should be settled quite soon now, Mr. Steed.

One of us has to be wrong.

May the best man win.

Thank you. I intend to.

Goodbye, Mr. Steed.

You'll make no attempt to contact him or reach him in any way.

Do you understand?

Stop it!

Move further into the open.

Don't turn round.

Where are you?

In the third bush on the left.

What is it, Bill? What's happening?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

What hold have they got on you? I can't tell you.

I've got to know.

I'm going to help you. You can't help, so just keep out of it.

I heard him talking.

The images will be all over by Wednesday, so please, just keep out of

Is it Laura?

Is that the threat?

Yes.

Yes, it's both of us.

Steed, they're going to kill you.

And I can't lift a finger to help you.

If you run now, you might just have a chance.

Talk into yourself, Mr. Bassett.

When I was little, I used to get the most awful pains in my head.

I used to think how nice it would be if I could cut a little hole in the temple

and take the hurting part out.

That's why Fenton and I are so much alike.

If anything hurts him or gets in his way, he just removes it.

Not much moving today, Granville.

I like Mr. Steve.

He said I was pretty.

Nice man.

Poor Mr.

Steve.

He's hit! He's wounded!

Come on!

First kill of the day, gentlemen.

I must be fit to have a drink. I want to make a toast.

How long is this going on?

We shall be leaving you shortly.

Our business is nearly completed.

What business?

Ah.

Suffice it to say that it's work of truly international importance.

Oh, incidentally, during our stay, your dealings with tradespeople and callers

will be absolutely normal.

My friends and I are honoured guests.

Do you understand?

Good, and I shall make the toast. Will you please raise your glasses?

Oh, please.

To the losers of this world...

May they always lose, and I couple this toast with the name of John Steed.

I brought you some food.

I said I... Oh, forget it.

You answer it.

And remember, completely normal.

Good evening.

Mrs. Bassett?

Yes? I wonder if you might come in for a moment.

What is it?

Sorry to bother you at this time of night. Special branch.

Police? In a way, yes.

I'm Norman Clifford. This is Corbett Traynor. Good evening.

Good evening, sir.

Can I help at all?

Just a routine check, sir.

According to this, there are three permanent residents here. Mr and Mrs

Bassett and Sergeant Ronald Groom, is that correct?

Yes, that's right. What's going on?

Anybody else staying at the house at the moment?

Yes, myself and three other friends. Is there something special happening?

And your name, sir?

Fenton Grenville.

And the names of the other guests?

Cersei Bishop, Ernest Lomax and Gilbert Fecton.

Just what is this?

I see.

Well, I think that's all.

I'd appreciate it if you'd contact your local police station if you have any

other guests. Or if anything out of the ordinary happens.

Out of the ordinary? I think we're entitled to know why you're tricking on

Simply a security matter, sir.

There's a rather important event taking place in the area shortly. We just want

to make sure there's nobody about who shouldn't be.

Well, thank you for your help. I hope we don't have to bother you again.

Mr Clifford. Yes, Mrs Bassett?

I just thought I ought to mention that one of the names on your list, Sergeant

Groom, will be away for a few days.

Thank you, Mrs Bassett.

Good night.

Well, that was absolutely perfect.

Congratulations.

Now, as a matter of fact, I'd expected a security check earlier than this.

It's my reason for keeping you alive.

And now it's over?

Well, now that it's over, I could kill you without a qualm. I mean, after all,

you've fulfilled your purpose.

But I'm a generous man.

Sentimental, even.

You can go on living.

You never know, they might come back.

Bill, go into the dining room.

Don't make any mistakes.

Just get rid of them.

Hello, I'm Tara King.

Where's Steed?

Such a pity.

Yes. He had a phone call this morning. It must have been urgent. He was packed

and gone within the hour.

That's typical of Steve.

A telephone ringing is like a gun going off for him. We were awfully

disappointed he had to leave.

He was a... He is the most fascinating man.

He thought I was pretty.

Well, I thought I'd better be off. It's a long drive.

Goodbye, Thiercy.

Lovely to have met you.

Goodbye, Richard.

I'll see you out.

Well, perhaps we'll meet again. I hope so.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

It was careless of me to leave Theed's umbrella and hat.

But it was even more careless of you.

to betray that you'd seen them.

Very careless indeed, Miss King.

There. That should do until we can induce a state of more permanent

These are radio -detonated phosphor bombs.

They're a triumph of miniaturization.

Cersei developed them and the method of using them.

She really is terribly clever.

Yes, I am.

I'm terribly clever.

I've got an IQ of... Well, I've forgotten.

But it's terribly high.

It's nice to be nearly a genius when you're as pretty as I am.

Cersei, are you ready to operate on Miss King?

Stop it.

Mr. Grenville, it's started!

Stop it!

I want to see this. Can you manage?

Of course.

Come on.

Just a few deep breaths of this and you know nothing about anything.

Please, cut the ropes.

What's the matter with you two? Cut the ropes.

Please.

Come on, we've got to get out of here. We can't.

Why not?

You might have escaped, Miss King.

But you've almost certainly killed us.

It started.

Get ready.

Well, what is it? It wasn't our fault, Grenville. We can do nothing about it.

Do nothing about what? What are you talking about? Please don't do anything.

Miss King's escaped.

Cersei's unconscious.

Shouldn't underestimate us like that, should they?

Time up. His lighter.

Get his lighter. Oh, you're wasting your time. I haven't got it. Where is it? Is

this what you're looking for?

Checkmate, Miss King.

Now throw down the gun, Miss King.

I shall count to three.

One.

Two. Do it. Do it, sir.

Perhaps I haven't made the situation clear.

Cersei has inserted two of her little phosphor bombs into the throats of our

friends here.

The bombs are detonated by the lighter.

One flick of the lighter and your friends are dead, Miss King.

And now, if you will kindly untie my hands.

You see, Miss King, I could not allow you to come between me and the job I

here to do.

Which is?

I intend to assassinate the foreign ministers of several countries.

They're meeting at Critchley Manor.

But that's all of eight miles from here.

It's seven miles, eight hundred yards, nine inches to be precise, Bill.

And we need this house for our ultra -long -range weapons.

It's the only house in the district with an unimpeded line of fire.

Sexton, don't touch the lighter.

Don't touch the lighter!

Don't touch the lighter!

Oh, Grendel, the ultra -long -range weapon, where is it?

It's in the turret room.

Hold on to it.

Coming? Yeah.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Justin, the door is right there in the room with them.

Do you want to see?

Wonderful view.

How did you enjoy your stay in the country?

I should have stayed in town. The trouble of the country, nothing ever

Ah,

bad lie.

I think we'll have a number eight.

What are you doing?

Out of the way, please.

You'll ruin my shot.

Oh.

Steve,

you feel all right? Never felt better.

Good. The open air challenge.

Mind moving that carpet.

Coordination, mind and body.

Now, excuse me, this is a very difficult shot.

What do you play?

Invisible golf.

Invisible golf.

Much harder than the real...

Enormous concentration.

There is she now.

Well, Steve, I've never played invisible golf. Do you think I could have a try?

But of course you can.

There's the ball.

I'll find you a club.

Oh, I've got one.

Well,

nice loose steps.

Eye on the ball, eye on the fairway, but not at the same time. And...

next time.

Catch.

I think I'll have a drink at the clubhouse.

Be with you in a moment.

Oh, pity.

You should have used a number two iron.

Oh, Paul.