Original subtitles

Is that you?

Phase one complete, Lola.

On to phase two, Basil.

It's that.

doesn't bring Steed and Mrs. Peel.

Nothing will.

Mrs. Peel, we're needed.

Now I've seen everything.

Hooper. What?

Hooper. He's one of our best agents. He's a very upright fellow.

Very? Well, let's take a closer look.

He must have been shot with this.

It's a crimson glory.

Won first prize at the Chelsea Flower Show.

It's also Hooper's code name. A rose.

It's Major B's idea. He hates the idea of our chaps being a bunch of spies.

Prefers a bouquet of agents.

What was he doing here anyway?

He came to meet someone.

Here's Mrs. Peel again.

Those photos you supplied Dr. Krelma didn't do her justice.

I agree with you, Basil.

She's enchanting.

Delectable.

Ravishing.

Yes, I think I'm going to enjoy this assignment.

Look at those legs.

Not a patch on your blood.

Yes.

Well,

those photos didn't do him justice either.

Poised, charming.

Ooh, I think I'm going to like this design.

That's not what we're here for.

All right, cut it, Kilmer.

We've seen enough.

The ball's in your court now, Doctor.

I'm ready.

But are you sure that Steed will come here?

Quite sure.

And when I put this on the door, I am equally sure he

will come in.

Steed?

A clue.

Rather an obvious one.

It's still worth following up.

I'll do it. You take care of the gun.

No sign of him. He'll come.

I know Steed.

The way he thinks.

He'll be here.

Help you relax.

Tension is dissipated by mental attitude.

As a psychiatrist... You all set?

Yes.

Time for the unveiling.

Nervous? I have every confidence in the doctor.

Our people only hire the best.

I'm going to miss you, battle baby.

Touch of migraine.

Migraine.

Take one of these.

Get out of sight.

Heddle down.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Can I be of help?

I hope so.

Ah, stilts. For yourself?

A fancy dress party.

Give me a bird's eye view and nothing else.

We have a large selection.

So I see.

Do you sell many of these nowadays?

All right. You're certain?

Please.

I experimented during the war.

I had unlimited guinea pigs.

We lost many, but now it is perfected.

Lower the visor.

When you are ready.

Many things could go wrong.

Stop worrying.

It's all so... Simple.

Have you never felt remote, isolated, detached?

All I have done is harness this inner self, control it, and as you will see,

transplant it. The mind, the soul, the entire psyche, from one body to another.

And vice versa.

It is quite safe, you have my assurance.

Now, it is vital to keep the mind and body working.

When I give the signal, you will start counting.

Now. 1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11,

12, 13, 14, 15, 16,

17.

19 20 21 22

I made it, lover.

Basil.

What's the matter?

I miss the moustache.

So do I.

You're a genius, doctor.

I am paid to be.

Now permit this peel.

Tea.

I checked on that gun.

And? You'll never guess who it was registered to. Do tell.

Me. It's a very odd affair.

Odder than you think.

Oh?

The stilt shop, it was empty, but there was a contraption there, a weird sort of

thing. An electronic device, lots of dials, and, uh, well, I think it'd be

better if you came and saw it for yourself.

I'll get my coat.

Help yourself to a drink.

Uh, thanks, I'd, uh...

On second thoughts, I think I'd better not keep a clear head and all that.

Ooh, you have changed.

Well, I'm ready.

Good. Right, Emma.

Here we go.

I only hope he can convince Mrs. Peel.

He will.

Battle's been well trained.

This operation has taken years to plan, as you very well know.

I think you'll agree our English is impeccable. Yes, but why Steve and

Mrs. Peel?

Why not the heads of state, the Prime Minister?

Politicians are replaceable.

What we aim to destroy is the very structure of their security system.

How is that possible?

Your job was to perfect the machine, not to ask questions.

They're here.

Leave this to me.

Right, where's the contraption?

Shh.

Around there.

Mrs. Peel, look out!

Steve!

Doctor?

Very foolish, Mr. Steve. I felt that. That was my face you were bruising.

Go on, help the doctor.

I admire your tailor, old man. Very good taste.

More than I can say for yours.

Your face, remember?

Relax, lover.

It's all quite painless.

You should know.

Bon voyage.

Stand by to start counting.

And I give the signal.

Now. One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

You okay?

Great, baby.

That's my Lola.

What do we do with me?

What is good for the goose is good for the... Help me, Doctor.

We make a very handsome couple.

Come on, lover. We've got a full program ahead.

If you shout, don't gamble on anyone hearing you.

One second.

Old habits die hard.

Steve!

That woman!

That's not me.

Save your breath, Mrs. Peel.

That's not me either.

For the benefit of those who've only just switched on to the Avengers, we'd

to explain that these two villains...

have swapped minds with Steed and Emma.

So at the moment, the villains look like this.

While Steed and Emma look like this.

Got it?

This is Steed, and this is Emma.

And these are the villains.

At least I think they are.

On with the show.

Basil, baby!

Steed certainly has a taste.

I feel positively immaculate.

Basil. Hmm?

Shoulders. I thought you'd done your homework.

Steed has poise, a touch of the aristocrat. You slouch like a peasant.

mind? I know Steed like the back of my... His hand.

Yes, he certainly has something, I must say.

I do so agree.

Dear Lola, Mrs. Peel is not unappealing.

Oh? As they say.

The change is as good as the rest.

Yeah.

But I wonder if they think so.

So you imagine I'm part of some fiendish plot, Mrs. Pugh?

I know, indeed.

And you are not he.

And to quote, or nearly, you are not she either.

Transmigration.

Interchange. Switch.

Swap. Call it what you will.

No. It's some trick.

Well, I'll say one thing. You've certainly retained your stubborn streak.

Do you remember that drive from Montbert to Dijon?

Turn right. And you turn left. Well, if I had... We'd have missed that

delightful chateau, Gourmet's Paradise.

Except for the claret. The Chablis, Mrs. Peel.

It was Chablis.

You still doubtful?

Well, I know who I am.

And if you are, Steed, I wonder what we are up to.

Well, well, it is a pleasant surprise.

It isn't often you two drop by.

Um, coffee, Mrs. Peel, Steed?

Thank you, Major, but this isn't a social visit.

Oh?

We came to see you about Hooper.

Hooper? Hooper.

Poor Hooper.

Poor, poor Hooper.

How do you interpret his death?

Unlucky break?

Chance encounter with someone from the other side?

Sorry. We think it's more far -reaching than that.

We look on it as the beginning of an attack on the whole floral network.

Oh, but that's impossible.

Well, you know the way I've reorganized.

I've split the whole of Europe into sections.

We're running the entire show from these shores.

Even though our agents are based here, it doesn't make them less vulnerable.

We want to check the whole network.

Oh.

Well, uh, really, Steve, you know, that information is highly confidential.

I realize their locations are strictly hush -hush, but a brief word with each

them might clear up the whole affair.

All we want is their telephone numbers.

Hmm.

Uh, Tulip?

You've got a copy of the list of network security numbers, haven't you?

Yes, sir. In the file.

Well, would you mind bringing it right away, please?

Certainly, Major.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, we'll get to the bottom of this, Steed.

Steed, Mrs. Peel.

How nice to see you. Hello, Tulip.

How are you?

Blooming.

File you wanted, Major.

Ah, thank you, Tulip.

Oh, there we are, Steed.

Make good use of it. Oh, we will, Major. You may depend upon it. Goodbye, Major.

Mr. Steele. Tulip.

Ah,

splendid pair.

Splendid, sir.

Utterly trustworthy.

Utterly. Tenacious, too.

I mean, once they're on an assignment, they stick to it.

Oh.

Nearly a question of contracting the wrist.

Mind if I have a go?

Do.

A spot of kung fu might do the trick.

Going down.

Congratulations, Mrs. Peel. There are some pools over there.

Mrs. Beale, I think we have our key.

But it'll be easier face to face.

One.

Two.

Now then.

Hello, Daffodil.

Steed here.

Look, I want to see you right away.

Right. At my apartment.

I'll be waiting for you.

True. But unfortunately, when the doctor left, he took his fiendish machine

with him.

And unfortunately, we've got to find him.

And the only way to find him is to find the other me.

Yes.

If you were you, where would you head?

Back to my apartment.

Right girl.

After you.

That's better.

Suppose you know how to start her. Still don't believe I'm me, Mr. Phil.

You're you.

How are you? Come on in.

You know Mrs. Peel, don't you? Yes, hello.

Thank you, daffers.

Help yourself to a drink.

Thanks.

Well, what's this all about, Steed?

Why'd you ask me over?

I'll tell you why.

Who's next?

Poppy. Oh.

Oh, Poppy.

Steed here.

Well, thanks, Poppy.

See you soon.

Looks a bit sparse.

Never mind. There'll soon be a delightful arrangement.

Hey, Basil.

They could be at my place.

How will you find out? Soon, Jacob. There's a call box around the corner.

They're on their way.

We'll let the Major deal with that.

Yes.

Got that description. I'll have my men over there right away.

We have trespassers.

Fabulous.

And it's the Englishman's inviolable right to defend his home.

You know, you won't use that.

Oh? And fill yourself full of holes.

All right, get them.

You all right, Steve?

Well, I'm... I'm fine.

We'll take care of them.

For the benefit of those who just switched on to the Avengers, we'd like

repeat the following explanation.

These two villains have swapped minds with Steed and Emma. So at the moment,

villains look like this.

While our delightfully dashing duo, Steed and Emma, look like this.

Very confusing.

But favoring, it'll all sort itself out.

I hope.

For the last time, what are your names? The truth now.

John Steed.

Mrs. Peel.

Emma Peel. Sir.

Madam. As enemy agents, I respect your reticence in disclosing your identities.

But what can be the purpose of this ridiculous charade?

Oh, come along now. Be reasonable.

All this nonsense about swapping psyches, really.

I know Steed.

I played cricket with him at Lord's.

The last match, you dropped two easy catches.

Oh.

You've got it all at your fingertips.

Every minute detail.

And I expect you, madam, could tell me the name of my barber.

I might.

Except you're wearing a toupee.

Yes, they've got you briefed, haven't they? Very well briefed.

What a cunning lot you are.

Well, it won't help you.

I'm head of intelligence. Do you take me for a perfect idiot?

No one's perfect.

Major, we'll talk outside.

Have you heard from Poppy?

Say, they're who?

Steed and Mrs. Peel.

Steed and Mrs. Peel? Yes.

Been swapped.

I've heard of a few stories. So have I.

But this beats the lot.

Have you questioned them? Yes, yes. Can't be faulted.

Even you, I was wearing a... Yes?

Oh, nothing.

I mean, it would be different if they looked alike.

Doubles, that sort of thing. I mean, that's been done before.

But swapping? Psyche, as I ask you.

Anyway, I know an old Etonian when I meet one, and I can promise you one

That chap in there is no gentleman.

One thing is certain.

They don't believe us.

Well, let's be fair.

Would you?

Well, unless we can get rid of these, and quick, our floral network will end

a barren garden.

No other way out.

I know.

This might help.

Standard equipment.

Not for an emergency.

And this is definitely an emergency.

All right, Philip. The moment you hear from Poppy, let me know.

Very artistic.

Quite a flair, my pet.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Major.

Steed? They've escaped.

We're covering all the exit roads. They won't get far.

I want them alive.

They could be useful.

No violence. I must have them alive.

They've flipped the net.

They might turn up again.

They're going to find a new headquarters.

How about my apartment?

It's quieter.

Much more discreet.

Yes, Major.

I'm at Steed's place.

They've escaped.

I know.

The Major called.

Don't worry.

I'll be ready for them if they turn up.

You've been having a ball.

The last of my four to ten.

And not even chilled.

Now, Steve, don't get irate. I rate my cigars. I've been smoking my cigars.

And he's bitten the end off.

Now, now, calm down.

What sort of a fiend are we dealing with?

A man who would... Bite the end of a cigar is capable of anything.

Ah!

My best bowler's still here. That's one thing.

Deed. I know.

They've got half the network.

Call the Major.

Useless. He knows my voice. He wouldn't listen to... me.

Then we've got to locate Krelma.

And... ourselves.

I have a shrewd idea where they are.

Emma Peel.

It's me.

Hello.

Hello.

Wrong number.

Another drink?

Basil. Oh.

Sorry,

lover, I was thinking.

Nice thing.

Think to me that Steve and Emma have got it made.

Live in the right place.

Know the right people.

Go to the right places. Wear all the right clothes.

You should see her wardrobe.

Basil.

Well, why not?

Take out permanent residence.

Got a lot in his favor.

What do you think?

As you say.

He's got a lot in his favor.

Why not?

Major, a steed here.

Amend my previous instructions.

Those two agents, they're highly dangerous.

Kill them on sight.

Both agents armed and dangerous.

If you spot them, shoot to kill.

Message understood, Major.

Over and out.

Who is next on their list?

I'd say...

Bluebell. Can you reach him?

I doubt if he'll listen, but I can try.

No reply.

We'd better head for your apartment.

Come on.

Tulip old plant.

Slight misunderstanding.

Come on.

Tulip calling B. Tulip calling B.

B receiving you. Come in, Tulip.

Major, those agents, they're assassin.

They've eliminated half our network.

The finest of our flowers.

Call in every available man.

Thank you.

Lost him.

Well, there's no point in heading for your place. They'll have men posted

It's the doctor we want.

If he's got the machine, our other halves will head for him sooner or

Yes.

Unless they favour the present arrangement.

Unless they what?

Well, think of the advantages.

They'd have access to every file and every secret document.

And they'll destroy the machine as soon as possible.

We've got to find Cromwell.

And quickly.

I doubt he's in the phone book.

We'd better find out.

Oh!

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Headache.

Feels like migraine.

That's not like you.

I don't happen to be me, remember?

The Manor House, Hambledon.

Well, I'm sure we made the right decision.

We're going to have fun, Lola. Lots of fun.

In separate apartments?

I hadn't thought of that.

Steve and Mrs. Peel seem to be just good friends.

Well, if they were, they're going to be a lot friendlier from now on.

Oh, and the other thing about Steve and Emma, we can infiltrate into every

government department.

The perfect double agents.

Oh, there's another thing. My migraine.

Do you know that I haven't had a headache ever since... The tablets.

What tablets?

The ones that Krelma gave me. I put them in my... In his pocket.

Krelma, the dress was on the bottle.

Get over there before they do.

Destroy the machine.

There it is.

All in one piece.

How's it work?

Oh, indeed.

Nice to see you.

Wonder what I'm doing here.

Whatever the reasons, you're very obliging.

Time you were yourself again.

Well?

I'll check next door to see if there are some instructions.

Doctor, they've swapped me back.

Reverse the machine.

How? No time to explain. Hurry, I've got work to do.

How did they find me?

Those pills.

Hurry, get on with it.

I'm going to start counting.

Now. One, two, three, four,

five, six.

Eight, nine, ten.

All right.

I'm glad I got here.

Not half as glad as I am.

I've got Crelma to switch me back.

Who is?

Oh, now, look, Steed, it's really me.

No, Steed, don't force me to.

Force you to what?

And if you want further proof... Oh.

Mrs.

Peel. Well, at least I'm back to normal.

Yes, and what about me?

Did you do it?

I... I had some trouble.

But you destroyed the machine.

No. Krelma stopped me.

He said it was his brainchild.

Krelma stopped you?

I thought I'd give you the pleasure of dealing with him.

Oh.

I know there have been some changes lately, but there's certain things about

Lola I don't want you to change.

How can we better deal with Krelma?

How does it feel to be back home?

Tulip calling B. Tulip calling B.

Come in, Tulip.

I've located both agents.

The manor house, Hamilton.

I'm going in.

Not to my death.

Nor is your perfume.

Well, that hurt him more than it did me.

Does

that

solve your problem?

My pleasure.

Remember.

This way, Steve.

Steve?

Well, I shall have to get used to calling you that now, won't I? Not in

Let's hear it, Lola.

Let's hear my own name.

What's my name?

The real Mrs. Peel, isn't it?

Sorry. I prefer Lola.

Sorry.

that machine.

Look out, Basil.

The chair, quick.

Can you work it? I think so.

Right. Start counting.

Now. One.

Two.

Right, they're back.

Steve, Mr. Spiels, not too late.

Almost too early.

Ah, good.

There. Coming pair, these two. Try to pretend they were you.

Thank you, Mrs. Beale.

Oh.

Don't tell me they got the entire network.

Hardly, but the survivors delivered these personally.

You are popular.

It happens to be a special occasion.

Does it?

It does.

Don't tell me.

Easter's gone. Can't be Mother's Day.

It's too warm for Christmas. It couldn't be someone's birthday.

It could.

Oh, well, I suppose one should never take a man for granted.

I quite agree.

But flowers are so commonplace. Now, my idea of a celebration is to take wing on

a flight to Paris, aperitifs at Lafayette, dinner in Montmartre,

moonlight at Saint -Tropez. I do so agree.

Start packing, Mrs. Beale.

Already have.

One should never take a man for granted, but one does.

Come along, Basil, baby.

Coming, honey child.