Original subtitles

As I've demonstrated, Mrs. Steele, our mysterious intruder must have come in

through the front gate.

Crossed the entrance door. Passed three checkpoints. Came down the security

lift. Crossed the main hall.

The typing booth.

Passed a dozen clerks.

Ah, don't forget the four secretaries, Steve.

Indeed not.

No other way in, no other way out.

No one saw him enter, no one saw him leave. A veritable Houdini.

Wilton was found here, badly concussed. He may be out for weeks. There's nothing

gone? Not so much as a piece of red tape.

This drawer that was found open. It's the one at the end.

It's empty.

Oh. Except for this.

Ernest Quilby, submission 144.

File transferred to special section.

Shut the door.

Who's there?

Who's there? Do you hear me?

Answer me.

Steve, did you see him? Who?

Someone broke in.

You must have seen him. No one passed us.

I tell you there was someone here. I heard him.

He opened the cupboard.

There, you see?

I didn't imagine it.

There's a file missing.

144.

That's Quilby's file.

His drawer was open at the records office.

Quilby's file?

You know him? The man's a crank.

He's sent us an invention a week for the past 20 years.

All of them rejected with equal regularity.

What was in file 144?

I couldn't tell you. It was before my time.

My predecessor, Lord Daviot, he'd know.

He's retired now. You could try him. If he's no good, try Quilby.

Would you care to take me, Lord?

And I'll take Quilby.

You have your orders, Ulrich. Proceed with...

Mr. Quilby?

Mr. Quilby?

I'm John Thede. Oh.

Was I expecting you?

No. Oh.

Surprise.

For both of us.

This is my assistant, uh... Ackroyd. Ackroyd.

You a member of the B .A.? The B, uh... British Alchemist. Oh, no, no. The M .O

.D. Ah.

M? Ministry of Defence.

Oh, you couldn't have timed it better. My new explosive.

Ideal for saboteurs. You just sprinkle it on the target. No fuse, no matches.

Just wait for the rain and then... Boom!

What happens if there's a drought?

Ah... That's a good point.

No, actually, it was one of your earlier submissions.

That made a very deep impression.

Marvellous idea.

No, it was your submission 144.

The file was mislaid.

Trust the minister.

No sense of order.

114, you say? 144.

Oh, yes, we couldn't forget that.

Indeed not. It's my formula.

Formula? What kind of formula?

You take a teaspoonful at night and you wake up invisible.

Invisible.

Invisible. I made it quite clear when I sent it to Lord Daviot.

Ah, Mr Quilby. Mr Quilby.

Well done, boy. The ministry's letter.

Back to work.

Your formula has been carefully considered, but we doubt its

are returning it forthwith, yours faithfully, Daviot.

Idiots, of course it worked. You tried it? No, it was too risky.

Cells might disintegrate.

I was hoping that the Ministry would find a volunteer.

It's a simple principle.

You see an object because it reflects light. Now, my formula absorbs light. No

reflection, you can't see it. Where is the formula?

Sold. Sold?

Eastern Drug Corporation.

Eastern Drug Corporation? A director turned up, a charming woman. She'd read

paper.

Transparency of man, June issue, alchemist. She was most impressed.

You kept a copy of the formula? Oh, naturally.

But whilst working on a nuclear device, slight mishap.

Boom!

Formula included. I'm afraid so. I thought so.

Still, they paid me most handsomely for it. How much?

A hundred thousand.

As you anticipated, Major, Tito's been with Quilby.

Good. Return to the embassy.

Lord Daviat's dead?

He was pushing down the lilies. I found him in the ornamental pond.

Murdered? Good guess.

Well, it could have been natural causes.

Are they ever?

Daviat was killed because he knew about Quilby's invisible formula.

Invisible? Well, that's the substance of it. You take a teaspoonful of bedtime,

when you wake up, all your problems have vanished. And so have you.

You may scoff, but some people...

Take it seriously.

The Eastern Drug Company paid 100 ,000 for that formula.

The Eastern Drug Company?

And we know you know who lies behind that pseudonym. Ambassador Brodney and

crew.

Now, just at this moment, we've got some very important guests at the embassy.

Major Vadin and his beautiful wife, Elena.

Both top spies.

I suppose they're being watched.

She is.

But he hasn't been seen since he arrived.

Perhaps he sampled some of Quilby's formula.

How dare you?

Comrade Elenia.

Ambassador, what are you doing in here?

Comrade, I must speak with your husband.

Can't you see he's taking a shower?

But I have important matter to discuss with him.

Discuss it? Yes, well, you see, I was checking the embassy account.

There's been withdrawal of a quote of a million.

Yes. You see, here is the check.

Your husband's signature, Major Alexander Vazhin.

So? Yes, well, you see, the tourist allowance is 12 units per day. Now,

been here one week.

That's 712.

That's 3721.

Read it.

The withdrawal was made on the orders of the Supreme Central Committee.

Read the signature.

By him?

By him himself?

You're suggesting it's a forgery?

Oh, no. No, no, comrade. Please, put it away.

But, comrade, a quarter of a million. A small price to pay for what the Major

has acquired.

Oh, the new Western coding device?

No. Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. Don't tell me I get it.

Yes.

The cobalt detonator?

These are nothing to what is now in our possession.

Comrade, this intrigues me. I must... Let Rome in private, Rodney. No one is

permitted to enter.

Not even you.

If you will excuse me, I'm bad.

But comrade...

Major!

Ambassador?

Ambassador?

You are not dreaming, Ambassador.

My husband is invisible.

My apologies, Brodny. I did not mean to scare you.

Let me get you a drink, Brodny.

Say when.

Today!

Poor Brodny.

You look pale.

Yes. I need some air.

So you see, Ambassador, or rather cannot see, our money has not been squandered.

This formula will alter the entire balance of power. An invisible army to

penetrate our enemy's defenses.

The ultimate in infiltration.

And this is ours?

And ours alone.

It's fantastic.

Of course, the British suspect.

You have heard of a man called John Steed?

Oh, yes.

I have known him for years.

He's a man of many talents, of excellent taste, a good friend.

A sworn enemy!

And you say he knows?

Suspect.

Don't worry, Ambassador.

The formula is in our possession.

What can go wrong?

Hello?

Who is that?

It's Quilby's assistant, Mr. Ackroyd.

What does he want?

Yes, Mr. Ackroyd?

I've heard a rumor you paid 100 ,000 for Quilby's formula.

As my memory is a little sharper than his, shall we say a similar amount for

to become forgetful?

Let's meet and talk.

I want to be sure of what I am buying.

Where do you suggest?

Yes, I know. But come alone.

Understood?

And bring a small deposit.

Very well.

In 15 minutes.

Goodbye.

He wants 100 ,000 or he talks to the British.

Another 100 ,000?

But, Major, you already paid 250 ,000. That's 100 and 250,

that's three...

You will pay him?

We will pay him.

Pretty little gun.

Major, if there is nothing more, it's time for me to disappear.

Disappear. Excuse me.

With such a formula, we shall conquer the world.

Our enemies will be helpless.

Major, Steed is here.

Why are you panicking? Who is panicking? Who is panicking?

Then show him in.

In here? You think that's wise?

Why not?

He cannot see me.

Of course.

And providing you are cautious.

Don't worry, Major. He will learn nothing from me. I hope not.

Remember, Broadly, he cannot see me.

But I can see you.

Steve, my dear fellow, please come in. Are you sure?

Please, please forgive me. An important telephone call.

You're forgiven.

Well, this certainly is an improvement.

Huh? You always... complaining about your other office. Me complain?

Never. They've certainly done you proud.

And that chair.

Very in keeping.

Please, please, don't sit there. The spring has gone.

They seem fine to me.

I didn't know you drank cigars. Oh, yes. Yes, all the time. And I thought you

hated this stuff.

No, no, I love it. I love it. Ah, good.

After you.

There's a draft.

I closed the window.

There's something you ought to know. I tried to tell you the other day, but you

dashed off.

Did you say something?

No. Yes.

Please continue.

Well, I know you won't believe this, but we've been offered a formula that makes

a man invisible.

Invisible? Excuse me.

It's a fraud, of course.

But as you're an old friend of mine, I thought perhaps that I'd give you the

benefit of the... Invisible man?

I would see through that one immediately.

You think that I, Vladimir Yaroslav Brodny, would fall for such a trick?

No, but... That I would pay a quarter of a million for such a worthless formula?

Who mentioned price?

Who what?

Who said they asked a quarter of a million?

Well, you did, didn't you?

No, you did.

So you have been approached.

No. No, no, it was just a wild guess.

You think I would lie to you?

Sorry to have to rush, old boy.

The Major's wife.

Yes, it was a gift.

Delightfully inscribed.

I assure you, we are just a good friend.

Like that little secretary he had last year.

Blonde. Blue eyes. Remember?

No.

No, this is entirely different.

This is the wife of Major Vagin.

But you are never a respecter of persons.

I assure you, Major Vagin, a trusted, respected comrade, is

unthinkable, quite out of the question that I would make advance to you, to his

wife. But while the cat's away, eh? What?

What cat?

Dotto. Let's put her back.

Please.

Thank you.

Give me a moment, Major.

I think I handled that well.

No, Major?

Quiet. What did I say?

You fool.

What did I do?

Iliano's photograph.

Oh,

I assure you. Is this one of Steed's little jokes? You don't think that I...

Hello, Alex?

Yes, Ileana?

Did you deal with him? No.

Mrs. Peel followed me here.

Where is she now?

Heading north. I think she's going back to her apartment.

Leave this to me.

I'll head her off.

That's Vazin, all right.

Perhaps he came in after you left.

No, I don't think so, because when I was there, poor old Brodny was quivering

just like that.

Do you think Vazin was in the room?

Invisible? I know it's all against nature.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

How about jellyfish in water?

And my headless man, that was real enough.

I must say, I find Quilby's theory quite fascinating.

But would it work in practice?

He indicated numerous avenues.

I intend to experiment.

Well, before you go down those numerous avenues, how about this man that Elena

met? I didn't see him, but his mode of conveyance was most bizarre.

It was an ancient taxi with curtains and... Bobbles?

Hmm.

That taxi was parked outside Quilby.

The ingredients can be found in every home.

How very convenient.

But I can't hear... Yes, I know, I know. The invisible formula.

Well, it had a base of silicon.

Yes, silicon.

It had a soupçon of iridium.

No, no, no, indium. And it was distilled in polythene.

Or was it promethane?

One thing I do recall...

It had 93 ingredients and 39 processes in the formula. Oh.

Could have been 39 ingredients, 93 processes.

Was this the woman who bought it?

It's the other time.

Oh, most enchanting. A regular little Martha Barry.

No, that's me auntie. Or was it me niece?

Harry Carey. Martha Harry. That's the champion.

That's more than just a resemblance.

She's the modern equivalent.

Enemy agent.

Yes, Mr Quilby.

Oh, no, no.

What have I done? What have I done?

I won't accept the money. Oh, no.

No one will brand Ernest Quilby as a traitor.

If they any may have the formula, we shall have it too.

Now, Mr Quilby... No, don't worry, Mr Steed. I'll find it. Bertha will

volunteer. Bertha? Is she another relative?

I don't think so, no. She's a hamster.

Very patriotic, his birther.

Have no fear, Mr. Steed. The security of the country is safe.

Yes, I'll do all I can to assist you, even if it kills me.

Well, you can start by telling me what you were doing out in your taxi earlier

on. Oh, not me. I haven't left here.

That must have been young, uh, uh, Ackroyd.

If he's not at home, try the park.

Usually takes a stroll about this time.

Well, aren't you going to wait to see the result?

No, Miss Fly. Nice to have known you.

Hello.

Ah, Croyd.

Where are you?

Yes, I know. You'd better be alone this time.

If I see anyone else with you, I'll offer my information elsewhere.

Don't worry, Mr. Aykroyd.

You won't see anyone.

Is this seat taken?

Mr. Steve.

Who were you expecting, Mr. Aykroyd? No one. I always come here.

For relaxation?

Yes. Then relax.

Oh, well, it's time I was... Oh, that's very unsociable.

And unbusinesslike.

Now, if you have something to sell, perhaps I'm in the mucky too.

Why should I possibly have something to sell?

Your quill business assistant.

You worked on the formula, didn't you?

I did indeed.

Perhaps you retained a copy.

Now, the lot I'm offering may be worth far more.

So if you're joining the auction, shall we commence the bidding at 100 ,000?

Major, I understand we have disposed of F. Croix. Well, I should like to point

out that I do not approve of this type of violence.

Furthermore... O 'Brien?

Yes? Who are you talking to?

The Major.

He's in the other room.

Major, with Ackroyd dead, I presume you will be returning.

It is not for you to presume anything, Brodny. But where is Steed?

How should I know?

Not you, Brodny.

Ulrich? He's at Mrs. Peel's apartment.

He's good. We will proceed to final phase one.

Mr. Steed, I've done it. I've found the formula.

Good. Well, I'll be right over.

I'll be here.

You found the formula?

So it says.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Yeah.

I've dealt with his deed.

We now move to the final phase two.

Mrs. Peel? As you say, Ambassador.

Mrs. Peel.

Blip, blip, blip.

Thank you.

I trust you slept well, Mrs. Peel?

No.

I'd like to complain to the management.

If she moves, shoot to kill.

Yes, Comrade.

I will call the Major.

You heard what she said.

If you move, I shoot to kill.

I warn you, I am ruthless.

Utterly ruthless.

So please, don't move.

Patience, Mrs. Peel.

You are about to witness the passport to world domination.

Success is guaranteed.

Nothing can stop us now.

Ambassador. Yes, Comrade!

You are talking too much.

We meet once again, Mrs. Peel.

So you see, Mrs. Peel, Quilby was not such a fool after all. Did you imagine

would pay a hundred thousand for a worthless formula?

But it's a pity you are so inquisitive.

We have no intention of allowing you to inform the ministry.

Brodny.

You want me to?

No. Put her in Ulrich's room.

He will deal with her.

Move!

No tricks!

Promise!

Please.

Move!

Well, Eliana, our task is complete. We can make arrangements to return home.

And Mrs. Peel, I think we can be certain she will escape.

Stop!

In here.

Move!

You cannot escape. I have you in the Kaminsky hammerlock.

And this is the ammo -peel -flattened push -off.

You are forcing me to use the Rubinusker

rush.

We are nearly ready. Put this in the car.

As you were.

You are very foolish, Mrs. Beale.

You cannot escape from here.

No, it's been child's play so far.

Such stringent precautions.

No guards in reception.

Rodney with an empty gun.

The fool.

He will pay for that. But you gave it to him.

If I'm wrong, do forgive me.

You wanted me to escape.

I think I can guess why.

I'm here, Mrs. Peel.

No, not there.

Here.

Transparency is all the rage this year.

Deed? Ah.

Seen through me at last, eh?

Where are you?

Through the alcove.

No, no, that's the bathroom.

Try the door behind you.

Do come in.

Let's close the door, shall we?

Relay system.

Very simple. So this is our invisible formula.

Electronic. The windows, the door.

Siphon anything.

A multiple speaker system throws sound in any direction.

That works the filing cabinets.

And this delivers an electric shock. Works like a fist.

An invisible fist.

Now this is the pièce de résistance.

There's a camera in our records office special section.

I suppose Aykroyd knew the formula was useless.

He almost wrecked the entire plan.

Which was to convince us there was an invisible man.

We'd report to the government. They'd divert every available scientist.

From vital research.

Onto a completely useless project.

The cost might ruin our economy.

Worth the hundred thousand they paid Quilby. Now, I don't believe in the Loch

Ness Monster. I don't believe in invisible men.

In fact, Major Vazanir. What are you looking at? A headless man.

that for an invisible woman. Meet your other half.

Major Vazin himself.

A final charade for Brodny's benefit.

They used him to convince us, so obviously they had to convince him

Major Vazin. Major.

Major. And they succeeded.

Fitted to disillusion him.

I agree.

Major Vazin.

Major.

Anybody home?

Home. Maybe.

Maybe. Please.

Let me play with you.

There was a dog. A big dog.

Don't send me home.

It's so cold.

Major, I don't want to go home. I have tickets for the next Beatles concert.

And I am learning to play cricket here.

Profusely. To an empty chair.

Of course, I knew there couldn't be an invisible man. My experiments proved

conclusively that... Hey!

It worked!

It really worked.

I thought so.

Take a look.

Lump? Who's the lump?

We'll both get changed, and for that, I'll get the rolls out of mothballs.