Original subtitles

Been away for a few days.

Mrs. Beale!

If you get tired of waiting, there should be something there to amuse you.

Oh, Mrs. Peel?

Yes?

What can I do for you?

I'm to deliver this to Mrs. Emma Peel. Well, I'm Mrs. Emma Peel.

A friend of yours, John Steed, sent it.

Steed? A small fat man with a grey moustache.

Oh, of course. Now I remember.

Thank you.

May I?

Well, what's it?

Don't you know?

Should I? I imagined you would.

Well, I don't.

A lobster.

How super!

Where shall I put it? In here.

Well, I wouldn't, not unless it's sleepy. That's the bedroom. The

there. Oh.

How

was

he?

Steve!

Oh, well.

Good. As can be expected.

Oh, of course.

Well... This won't get the lobsters delivered.

Good day, Mrs. Peel. Good day.

Emma Peel. Emma.

So lover boy himself.

He's just got back from Karachi.

Be with you in a couple of gifs. Wait a toy.

Couple of gifs.

Lover boy.

I'll tell him.

Thank you.

Lock 17 has been safely stowed, sir. No problems over shipment?

None at all.

Excellent. So what about Operation Kartoff?

Being attended to.

And so everyone associated with the... the fake Mrs. Peel?

Will be eliminated.

Beginning with the theatrical agents.

Time for explanations, isn't it? Starting with the fact that you're not

Emma Peel. Who are you?

Wasn't I very convincing?

No. Who are you?

I'm Georgie Price -Jones.

Hello, Georgie.

Why are you trying to pass yourself off as Mrs. Peel?

I was hired to.

Where's the real Mrs. Peel?

I don't know. I just answered this advertisement and got the job to

her.

And you were briefed in here?

By Mr. Lamb.

Where's he got to?

So that's where he got to.

Was there anyone else here when you were hired?

A couple of advertising men.

Bates and Marshall.

Looking for clues.

I see.

Clues.

Eleven o 'clock appointment with auntie.

Steve, listen to this.

H1, K9, K2, palpable.

Well? Don't you see? It's a code.

It seems very clue -like.

Bates and Marshall.

It's a check made out to me.

The first half of my fee.

Drawn against the account of Barrett, Barrett and Wimpole.

Mrs. Barrett?

Barrett?

And Wimpo?

Six bodies in an hour and 20 minutes. What do you call that?

A good first act.

Where next?

I don't know.

Will you disappoint me, Miss Price -Jones?

Well, there's always this.

S1, K9, K2, tog, tubble, etch.

Tog.

Clothes.

Theatrical costumiers.

Would they supply the clothes and wigs, the four Jack brothers?

John, Paul, George, and Fred.

Hello?

Anyone home?

History repeating itself, but... Losing your

touch?

This one isn't dead.

Auntie.

Auntie.

Auntie.

Auntie who?

You know what I think?

No, what do you think?

Someone's kidnapped your friend, Mrs. Beale. The same thought has occurred to

me. Great minds. Don't they?

Maybe they'll demand extortion money. I don't think it's that sort of

kidnapping. Dead end.

Well, there's always S1K2K9.

Now, where is it?

I'm quite sure I left it in here.

But just where?

Ah, there it is.

My knitting pattern.

I knew I'd left it in here.

Oh, naughty boys.

Always up to some game or other.

Madam... Naughty, naughty boys. But so sweet, don't you think? Do you know

gentlemen? What, John, Paul, George and Fred?

Well, of course I know them.

You can get up now.

They're my favourite nephews.

Absolutely my favourite.

Nephews? Naturally.

And I like to think that I am their favourite auntie.

So kind of you to invite me home to tea.

Such a charming gesture.

One meets with them so seldom these days.

But I do think I should have had a word with John, Paul, George and Fred before

I left. They were resting. It was their express wish that they remain

undisturbed. I understand.

Absolutely dead.

After the world.

Runs in the family, you know, very heavy sleeper.

Madam... You don't mind if I go on with my knitting, do you?

About your nephews. John, Paul, George and Fred. Dear boys, all of them. Dear,

dear boys.

I would love to do you in poodle wool.

With a V -neck, double ribbed bottom and raglan sleeves.

Would you mind?

You were saying about John Paul, et cetera? Yes, what is it you want to

Have you seen them recently?

Oh, yes, just this morning. That's when I left my knitting pattern.

Knitting soothes the nerves, you know.

I can quite understand that. But I would like to ask you about your nephews. You

saw them this morning?

Were they alone?

Oh, that could hardly be, as there are four of them.

Well, if John's alone, there's poor George and Fred. And if George is alone,

there's poor... Just the four of them, in fact.

Perhaps an oiled natural wool would suit you better.

Did they have a visitor this morning? Oh, yes, me.

I always call on a Thursday, you see.

Lovely.

Have you seen this before?

Oh, yes.

A member of what?

Oh, but surely you must know.

The Arkwright knitting circle.

This way, dear boy.

Look alive, take a pair of files.

Tucked on and watch it grow.

Not too fast and not too slow.

Knit along and away we go.

Knit Arkwright?

Shh.

Good afternoon, madam. It's lovely to see you again. I don't want to spoil the

concentration. Quiet. Which we know in the tea interval could be quite

Mr. Arkwright.

Yes? This is Mr.

Thede. He wants to know more about our little circle.

Really? Thank you. Now, do you knit? Or you should, you know. Knitting is one of

the neglected arts. It binds the family together, brings peace to the home.

Listen. The sheer serene sound of clicking needles.

Excuse me.

Fingers nimble.

Fingers bright.

Cast to the left, cast to the right.

First one purl, then one plain, then two purl, and back again.

Do you know, I used to come home from the office rather tired and irritable.

Nowadays, half an hour's knitting and what have I got?

Peace of mind, Mr. Steed, peace of mind.

And I've really scooped the pool, you know.

Here you see the cream of the nation's knitters.

Now look there, you see, Mrs. Bull's over.

Beautiful mover, isn't she? Nothing forced.

And there, Mrs. Grampy and Hardy. Now, that's quite a different technique.

Very sharp. Very precise.

But joy.

All joy.

Do you recognize these?

Do I? This is one of our special double O's. We had some stolen from the

storeroom last week. Why would anyone want to steal them? It's industrial

fabric. I've put the whole schedule a week behind.

Any idea who it was?

No, but if I had, I'd... Is there anything else, Mr. Steed?

No, thank you for your help. Don't forget the motto of AKC. When you're

and depressed, spending more, enjoying less, knit along with Arkwright.

All right, ladies.

This is knitting.

Tea time.

Ivanov.

I thought you were still in Siberia. I was resting.

Didn't know you were interested in art.

Art Incorporated.

Oh, buying a painting for a friend.

I see.

Not too aggressive with the umbrella.

Brightly, but not eager.

Eagerness untrustworthy.

Oh, it's the next worst thing to enthusiasm.

Nice to see you again, Steve.

Good day, then.

Ivanov, haven't you forgotten something?

Have I?

You haven't asked me how Mrs. Kiel is.

Why should I? You usually do.

All right. How is she, then? She's away for a few days.

I'm expecting her back soon.

Round the block.

Indeed. My dear fellow, I had no idea. Oh, dear, it's all my fault. You see, I

heard someone scuffling about and I'm... We thought you were a burglar. Yes,

stealing our knitting needles again, you see.

He looks very shaken.

Do you think a woollen muffler for his head? No, thank you. I'm quite all

Excuse me.

Well, my dear chap, if I know it, would you... Payment will be made in the usual

way. We want no myth, no fuss.

Our deception hasn't worked.

A man called Steed came back a day or two early from holiday.

So the fake Mrs. Peel will have to be eliminated.

Get going.

Turning the force of the attacker to advantage.

Bringing the knee up into the ribcage of the opponent with a sickening... Hmm.

She must have some very aggressive boyfriends.

Take the right hand of your opponent with the left elbow pointing towards the

ground. Take the right hand of your opponent

with the left elbow pointing towards the ground.

Hmm.

Should your opponent attack from behind with a knife or a gun, place your right

hand over your right shoulder and grasp the attacker's wrist.

Oh, my God!

Oh,

my God!

Oh, my God!

Please!

Let's not do anything! He hates me!

I do say I take after Granny.

Are you all right?

I should have kept my arm and hat on. Hey, what's this about an old lady?

One attacked me a few minutes ago.

Really, at her age, too. She was old enough to be someone's grandmother.

Or auntie.

Well?

Could be any one of them.

Got to get a bit closer. You can knit, can't you? Well, I... I take size 9 3⁄4

and nothing too garish.

Good morning, sir.

Can I help you?

Possibly, possibly.

Yes. Sir?

Definitely yes.

The air breathes well. My nerve ends are positively tingly.

I must strike up a rapport with my surroundings before I can possibly...

I can do business here.

Well, sir, may I have your name?

My name?

Is Wayne Pennyfeather Fitch?

Fitch. With two small f's.

Doubt that you've heard of it. Well, I... Naturally.

Genuine Gibson.

Tainted on a Thursday.

Only upstroke.

Gibson never used downstrokes on a Thursday.

Mr. Fitch, how can we help you? Your proud boast.

The unobtainable obtained.

Mr. Fitch, I'm so sorry, but we only do business with clients who are personally

recommended.

And I very much look forward to your next visit, Your Ladyship. Au revoir.

Goodbye.

Don't... Don't forget your handbag, Lady Brackley. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Exactly what kind of treasure can we obtain for you, Mr. Fitch? That is not

your body, Shelley. Perhaps someone in the higher echelon. I'd like to let you

know.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fitch, but that is the way we do business. We'll be in touch.

As you say.

Good day.

Good day.

Just cast on and watch it grow.

Knit one, purl one, and away we go.

Count to ten, and back again, row after row, and on we go.

Nimble needles to and fro, keep right on to the end of the row.

Oh, dear, we are rusty, aren't we?

Now, don't rush it, dear. Just remember it's all in the grip.

That's better. Just one, two, three. Just think of a waltz. One, two, three.

That's very promising. Very nice, natural action there.

Very good indeed.

So is that. Very good.

Yes.

Grab that skein. Begin again.

Knitting's friendly. It's smart. It's fun.

Hello, my dear.

And how are you today?

Hello.

I

got

it to deal with my nephew.

Nephew? The youngest one.

On my brother's side.

This should keep him quiet, don't you think?

Very. I hope so.

You don't think it's too old for him, do you?

He's only six.

I think it's lovely.

It's absolutely splendid. It's a wonderful gun.

Fit, Jane.

Wayne Pennyfeather. Doesn't bring any pearls. What did you make of him?

He could be our sort of client.

Come in here, will you?

We'll have him checked.

This man Fitch, see what you can find out about him. A personal call, I think,

don't you?

He claims to be an art expert.

No luck at the knitting circle?

Almost any of the old ladies could have been my old lady.

Where did you get this?

Like it?

It's beautiful, but where? The National Gallery, the Donya Isabel Goya.

You didn't steal it?

Of course not, only borrowed it.

They're in the habit of lending priceless paintings?

Only to true patrons.

Hide. Why?

I didn't think it would take them long.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, madam.

I'm collecting for the dog's home. A very worthy cause. Please come in.

Our four -legged friends need all the help they can get. Now, what will it be?

Bones or cash?

Money, if you don't mind, dear sir.

Excuse me.

I'll just see whether I've left my wallet.

Charming, isn't it?

Delightful. Great affinity between subject and artist.

A true rapport.

Adumbrated visually in the harmony of rose and black.

Flesh and silk.

Luminous paint.

Luminous glass.

Quite. Quite so.

Well, this should be good for a couple of cold noses. Thank you. That's most

kind of you. Nonsense. Someone's got to pay for the postman's trousers.

Noble are you. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Well, this business is thick with old ladies. Was that the one? I didn't see

face. I'm not sure.

One thing's clear.

They've taken the hook. What next?

A little nefarious skullduggery.

Who? Alone.

Who?

Going to a party.

Fancy dress.

Admiring the brushwork, Mr. Fitch? I thought you were less likely to shoot me

standing in front of a da Vinci.

All right, sure.

May I take care of that for you? If you don't mind.

May I turn round now?

Surely.

I don't think I've had the pleasure.

I am Auntie.

Gregorio Auntie.

How do you do?

I must admire your persistence, Mr. Fitch. And your initiative.

Couldn't keep away.

The unobtainable obtained.

It sounds an extravagant claim, doesn't it? But we are a unique organisation. We

actually can get you anything, anything at all. At a price.

And sometimes the price is very high.

Yes, I've had her for three weeks now.

Rather reluctant to let her go.

I think the Louvre also are reluctant to let it go.

They don't know.

Put a very nice reproduction in its place.

So that's how you work it.

Whenever you steal anything, you replace it with a replica.

That always seems to me to be the fairest way, don't you think?

But then I don't have to tell you. Your Goya, the Donya Isabel.

I was in the National Gallery yesterday.

The reproduction you put in its place.

You like it? I do, I do indeed.

If I might inquire, who...

A jolly little Flemish painter.

Goyers are a speciality of his. I'll give you his address.

I'm very impressed with your connections. And I'm very impressed with

intelligence system.

That you knew I had it.

Can I offer you a brandy?

From the Tower of London.

Well,

now, Mr. Fitch, what can I get for you? Anything at all, you say? No task is too

formidable. Do you know what my staff are engaged upon at the moment?

Working out ways to transport the Eiffel Tower.

Where to?

A Texas millionaire has taken a fancy for it. He wants to put it down amongst

his oil derricks. Isn't that sweet?

It must present difficulties.

Acquiring it? No, we have already arranged that.

Now, the main problem is smuggling it out of Paris.

A human being would be easier.

You have dealt in human beings.

The odd diplomat, the occasional nuclear scientist. Yes, there is a small market

for them, a demand.

Is it a human being you wish to acquire for you? A woman. Her mind, yes, her

mind, would be of the utmost value to me.

And the lady's name?

Peel. Mrs. Emma Peel.

Not a terribly good brand, is it? I'm afraid you're ten days too late, Mr.

Fitch. We've already acquired Mrs. Peel for another client. She's our, um, lot

17. I've enough.

I never divulge the names of clients. Whatever he's offered you, I'll double

I'm sorry.

Treble it.

I'm tempted, very tempted.

Well, then?

But I'm afraid I must refuse.

After all, I have a certain reputation, Mr. Fitch. I'm afraid that Mrs. Peel is

not... for sale.

On the other hand, if I could interest you in the first folio of Hamlet

from the British Museum two nights ago.

I hate to tell you, a reproduction.

You don't mean... I have the original at home.

Maybe an apart exchange deal for Mrs. Peel. No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Peel is not

sale, but perhaps you and I can do business some other time.

I hope so.

By the way, where are you holding her? I'm very happy to have made your

acquaintance, Mr. Fitch. Good night.

Good night.

How is lot 17 tonight?

Like to spread your wings and fly, would you?

Do have some grapes.

Feeding me up?

No, no, no. I find you perfectly adequate as you are.

And your popularity is increasing.

It's encouraging.

First, if I'm not.

And now Mr.

Fitch.

Fitch? With two small Fs.

You know him?

No, I don't know him. Charming fellow.

And that increasing rarity, a real English gentleman.

I'm sure you don't know him.

Yes, I'm sure.

I was just thinking, if I could have a vat in here, I might trade these grapes

for my own wine.

I regret you will not be here long enough for that.

A pity.

Because I enjoy beautiful things.

And you are very beautiful.

But a day or so more and you'll be gone.

Gone where?

That depends upon Ivanov.

You must have a very remarkable mind, Mrs. Peel.

For him to pay so much for you. You have many secrets.

No matter. That's Ivanov's problem.

I do hope he treats you with proper consideration.

Oh, I fear, knowing his methods, that that will not be the case. I'm afraid

where you are going, this cage, will seem like a paradise.

What next?

We're going to sell you to the enemy.

Do what?

What's so special about this, Mrs. Emma Peel?

They think she was Madame Curie and half a dozen others all rolled into one.

Her vital statistics.

The IQ variety.

Hold that.

She knows about diapers, scented fuel, cybernetic.

And that's what Ivanov is interested in.

Well, it so happened that I nearly passed through college. I was going to

specialise in... Excuse me.

How are you doing?

who's there special delivery perishables

The meter's ticking over.

And a tip?

Of course.

Well, shouldn't I wait?

What?

You might need some help.

What did you say?

Forget it.

Mrs.

Peel, where is she? I don't know.

Auntie's got her, hasn't he? Where's he keeping her?

Honestly, I don't know.

Auntie wouldn't tell me.

What price is he asking for?

140 ,000 American dollars.

It's over here, in a briefcase.

We may as well take it with us.

If he moves.

Point that at him at his second button.

Pick him from the top or the bottom.

Suit yourself.

Steed here. I want you to pick up a parcel.

Yes, I'm with it now.

What? Hush it up?

Of course not hush it up. Give it maximum publicity.

Well, you have to admire his technique.

Technique? Fitch.

This is his handiwork.

Really? Mm -hmm. When you're in the market for a certain product and you

someone else is after it also, you do one of two things. You outbid your

opponent or you eliminate him from the contest.

Do you think Fitch will get Mrs. Peel? Well, it's what he wants.

But will he get her?

No, I don't think so.

His money's as good as anybody else's. Well, then we must make him prove it,

mustn't we? How?

Put her up for auction.

I'll circulate the details right away.

Particular attention to the eastern block.

Do you think Ivanov will talk?

Hmm?

Is Ivanov all right?

It's all taken care of.

Visitor for you, Ivanov.

It's your mother.

Mother?

They are treating you well, son?

I've told them nothing.

He eats feed you want.

It's all his doing, not mine.

Honestly, it's feed.

I promise you can trust me.

So come now, gentlemen, it's cheap at the price.

One million five.

Any advance on one million five?

One million five against you, sir.

One million five.

Any advance on one million five?

Quite splendid, isn't it?

A splendid example of filthy, decadent Western art.

One million six.

One million six.

Any advance on one million six?

No?

So to the gentleman over there.

I shall have it delivered to your hotel, sir.

Oh, I beg your pardon, your submarine. Of course.

And now, the last item this afternoon, and a very unusual one. Marked in your

catalogue, this lot 17.

Mrs. Emma Peel.

A very desirable acquisition.

I understand that she carries most of the disposition of Western defense bases

in her head, is a cipher expert of no mean ability, and would be a splendid

addition for any intelligence system anywhere in the world. I must make it

clear, however, that I cannot guarantee that she will betray her secrets. That

is up to the purchaser, but she does carry some very special ones.

And so I must ask that the bidding begin at the reserve price of 50 ,000 pounds.

90 ,000 rubles. Thank you.

I open the bidding.

50 ,000.

60.

70. I hear 80.

90. 90 ,000 pounds I bid.

90 ,000 pounds. Oh, come now, gentlemen. It's cheap at the price.

Observe this talented lady. She looks a bit broody. Can't you have her move

about a bit?

Certainly.

That better.

I'd like to see what I'm buying. 100 ,000 pounds.

110.

And 11.

12. 14.

15. 16.

Syrian team.

£200 ,000.

Think of the national budget, old boy. You'll have to cut down on the vodka.

£200 ,000 I bid.

£200 ,000 for this outstanding example of British prostitute and learning.

£200 ,000 I said once.

I said twice.

Sold to Mr. Wayne Pennyfeather Fitch.

Well, Mr. Fitz, your persistence is rewarded. When can I collect?

Immediately. Lot 17 is in our secret store.

Far from here?

You'll see.

Seed!

Seed? Steed.

Steed. Steed.

Steed. Destroy Lord Seventeen. Destroy her.

Follow her.

He went that way.

And along again to the end of the row.

A do -si -do.

I won't destroy their concentration, don't worry.

No.

Oh, stop.

Pop it.

Hey.

Where is she?

Out there.

Mr. Steed, I really must apologize. Why, it's unavoidable, I assure you. What

are they knitting?

A bungalow.

Now, calm down, ladies.

Calm down.

... ...

And no cracks, please, about birds in gilded cages.

As if I would.

Are you all right? We've been so worried about you.

Oh, Mrs. Emma Peel. Meet Mrs.

Emma Peel.

How do you do?