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1
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:35,457
[Man clears throat]
2
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,298
Welcome to Butterface Fields.
3
00:00:38,571 --> 00:00:41,404
America.
Small Town, USA.
4
00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:45,569
The white picket fences
around here
5
00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:48,203
probably need repair,
but, uh, I like us...
6
00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:50,839
Uh, care about us.
7
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,750
We... We make our share
of mistakes.
8
00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:55,184
But you'll see.
9
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:58,588
This is Floyd's.
Floyd's Bar.
10
00:00:58,691 --> 00:01:00,591
Also our coffee shop,
our clubhouse,
11
00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:02,593
our spot for Sunday brunch and...
12
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,595
Oh, that's me.
[Chuckles]
13
00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:07,894
The miserable one.
Andy Sargentee.
14
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:10,162
Ah, today I'm too tired of it.
15
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,033
More unaccepting than even usual.
16
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,538
[Man]
We shouldn�t interrupt him.
17
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:16,074
- He's busy.
- He's busy thinking.
18
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:18,337
Friends don�t let
friends think.
19
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,038
We should do something.
20
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,104
- Stop him.
- Just go see what�s wrong.
21
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,446
- Go, go, go.
- Go on, go on.
22
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:26,541
Come on.
23
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:27,950
Let�s go.
24
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,785
Hi, Andy.
25
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:34,223
You want to come over
and, uh,
26
00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:36,125
sit with us, Andy?
27
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:37,696
Hey, Andy.
28
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,790
What are you doing, thinking?
Don�t do that, Andy.
29
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,471
Okay. Well, Andy,
we�re over here.
30
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,475
Yeah, we�re...
right over here, Andy.
31
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,137
[Andy narrating]
That was Moe and Ron.
32
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:56,306
We always call 'em Moe-Ron.
33
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,816
They're never apart.
Good guys.
34
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:01,648
I'd... I'd just had enough
of not having enough.
35
00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:05,121
There had to be something
that I could come up with.
36
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,420
You need to stop taking
a dump around here, Andy.
37
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,826
In fact, you need
to start wearing a diaper.
38
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:11,920
- That�s an order.
- You stopped me from calling.
39
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,556
You said you
wanted them needy.
40
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,931
Thought we might be able
to jack up the price on "em.
41
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:18,402
- Oh, I said that?
- A lot of people heard you.
42
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,496
You�re fired, stinky.
Good-bye.
43
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:23,269
No more telling the boss
to blow himself.
44
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,334
I am trying to hold
onto these jobs.
45
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,810
That�s the scary part.
46
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:29,177
You�ve got to give it
a different kind of try.
47
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,978
Aw, Jesus, Andy!
What the hell?
48
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,848
Are you out of your mind?
49
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,011
[Andy narrating]
Would've been niftier
50
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:36,816
if I hadn't already been fired.
51
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:39,790
Anyway...
52
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:42,089
My wife Thelma,
she divorced me this year.
53
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,322
I know I would
stand by you.
54
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:47,956
I'm even willing
to believe in you.
55
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:50,969
I... I just...
56
00:02:51,037 --> 00:02:53,505
I just don�t know
what else to do.
57
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:54,698
[Sighs]
58
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:58,299
If you want me back,
let me know.
59
00:02:58,378 --> 00:02:59,970
[Andy narrating]
I wanted her back,
60
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:02,844
but I didn't do anything
to get her back.
61
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,382
Thel gets good scores.
62
00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:06,884
She deserved plenty
and got nothing from me.
63
00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,283
[Boy]
Bye, Dad.
64
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:10,788
Eventually she met a guy,
married him.
65
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:14,725
Did real well for herself,
and that's as it should be.
66
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,193
She's got the kid, Bill.
67
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:19,288
Ah, he's a...
He's a good kid.
68
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,890
L... I wish I had more
to offer him.
69
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:25,630
See, the reason that everybody
was so worried, uh...
70
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,230
Well, I-I've gotten
like this before, and, uh,
71
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:30,707
the ideas that I come up with...
72
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:33,005
Well, when I get 'em,
I tend to go with 'em,
73
00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,411
and we're close here,
so others go with me.
74
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:38,313
I got us all to put in big
on one of those pyramids.
75
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:39,715
Tech at the height of the bubble.
76
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:42,481
Selling vitamins, even,
but we were all selling them,
77
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,022
so there was no one to buy 'em.
78
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,182
Stuff like that.
79
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:46,486
Oh, crap.
80
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,494
Barney Macklehatton,
my best pal.
81
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:50,859
I had bigger problems.
82
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,693
How long has he
been like this?
83
00:03:52,765 --> 00:03:53,857
A long time.
84
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,525
Didn�t you do anything?
85
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,001
I've been feeding him
free drinks.
86
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,662
That�s my best trick.
87
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,103
[Andy narrating]
Floyd, Barney's father.
88
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:01,503
Get younger.
89
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:02,563
Eat shit.
90
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,575
That's nice.
They've become even closer
91
00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:06,872
now that Barn's mom's passed on.
92
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:10,109
Andy, please,
don�t do this.
93
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,224
We�re in some trouble here.
94
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:24,420
[Andy narrating]
That's Helen Tatelbaum.
95
00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:27,124
Hey,
You turn pro?
96
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:28,222
Barney's in love with her,
97
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:30,895
ever since we were kids,
right to this minute.
98
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:33,063
No greater love
has the world ever known.
99
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:34,800
So, uh, what time�s
this married guy
100
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:35,965
supposed to pick you up?
101
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:37,440
He's not married, Barney.
102
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:38,908
They�re never married, Helen.
103
00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:40,138
They just have wives.
104
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:42,214
I told you this one is not married.
105
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,216
Okay.
106
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,911
But this one�s not coming.
107
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:47,316
It�s 9:30.
108
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,115
What time was he
supposed to pick you up?
109
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,655
I'm guessing 8.
110
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:51,985
Bastard.
111
00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,491
[Andy narrating]
But they've never gotten together, though.
112
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,330
Just hold on. We get out of this bar
pretty soon, by the way.
113
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,562
Ho!
114
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,571
Hey!
115
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:07,901
Man, how you doing?
116
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,805
Uh, that's Moose.
117
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:12,571
He really behaves like this.
Has no idea how it seems.
118
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,839
[Laughter]
119
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:15,846
Yeah, he... he's gay.
120
00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:18,075
For some reason, he doesn't
want us to know this.
121
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,278
Seems to honestly believe we don't.
122
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,981
Yeah, I assumed you needed
some explaining.
123
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:24,647
Oh, and, uh, we didn't name him.
124
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,122
Two out of three.
125
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:28,490
He came to us one day
and said, uh,
126
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:29,788
"Please call me Moose."
127
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:32,592
We don't ask questions.
128
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,328
Hey, Andy.
Why all glum, buddy?
129
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,166
Hey, let�s get out of here
130
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,796
and rustle us up
a couple of babes.
131
00:05:40,873 --> 00:05:42,170
Always lifts my spirits.
132
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,004
Not the only thing it lifts.
Boom!
133
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:45,805
[Andy narrating]
He's serious.
134
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,507
Oh, that's just Some Idiot.
135
00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:49,876
Hiya, Some Idiot.
136
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:51,711
- Hey, Some.
- How was school tonight, Some?
137
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,217
Some Idiot. Hey!
138
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,810
Some Idiot attends
junior college night school.
139
00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:58,356
He studies something different
each night he attends.
140
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:02,155
Love the guy.
Him we named.
141
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,822
So, yesterday was my kid's birthday.
142
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,832
I haven't seen him in a while.
Since before the honeymoon.
143
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:11,063
They took the kid,
put him in a private school, too.
144
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:14,196
Then they had to move
into this guy's house.
145
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,502
So I want to get him
something really nice...
146
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:18,009
really nice from his dad.
147
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:19,567
And the kid loves basketball.
Loves it.
148
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,044
Can I help you?
149
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,082
Yeah, uh, which ball
do the pros play with?
150
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:26,549
- Uh, that one there.
- Mmm.
151
00:06:26,652 --> 00:06:29,553
- Eighty bucks for a ball?
- Yup.
152
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:32,715
This is definitely
the ball the pros use, hmm?
153
00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:36,226
Definitely the pro ball,
and it�s definitely $80.
154
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,489
Well, 79.99.
155
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,690
Plus there�s
tax on that, right?
156
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,256
Yeah, I didn�t hear
anything about this
157
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,595
being a no-tax day.
158
00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:44,829
Do you think it might be?
159
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,166
Are you being fresh?
160
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,207
I don�t know
what "fresh" means.
161
00:06:50,276 --> 00:06:51,868
Look, I want to buy this ball.
162
00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:53,536
I may be a little short.
163
00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:55,444
So, what, are you
going to steal it?
164
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:56,913
What?
165
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,108
Well, no, I thought
that�s what
166
00:06:58,217 --> 00:06:59,582
you were going to say.
167
00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:01,277
"Cause Wally, he usually
charges full price,
168
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:04,117
so that just
leaves stealing.
169
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,282
Is Wally around
or a manager or...
170
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:09,225
Yeah, Wally�s here.
Sure. I'll get him.
171
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:16,390
[Sales Boy on P.A.]
Wally?
172
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,199
Guy with no money
in basketballs.
173
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,373
- Hi, what can I do for you?
- Oh, yeah, I, um...
174
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,038
I, uh, want to buy this ball.
175
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,206
I have the money.
176
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,544
Absolutely. Terrific.
177
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:32,083
No, no. Uh...
178
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:33,982
I may be a little short
on my credit card.
179
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,054
Can we squeeze as much
as we can on it,
180
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,215
and then maybe I could
let you hold something
181
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,225
until I come back, uh,
you know, with the rest?
182
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,261
I... I need to have
the ball right now.
183
00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:43,989
- No.
- No?
184
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:45,290
[Sales Boy]
Excuse me. Wally?
185
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:47,332
You may be being fresh.
186
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:50,061
All right. Well, let�s, um...
Let�s try this.
187
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,900
I, uh, may have some room
on this other credit card.
188
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,906
- You know...
- You know what?
189
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,134
L... I might have some, uh...
190
00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:58,142
This ball here is 39.99.
191
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,235
This is a very good ball.
192
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,281
[Sales Boy]
He's going to ask you
about tax now.
193
00:08:02,348 --> 00:08:04,748
- [Clears throat]
- This isn�t the official ball.
194
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,182
Absolutely correct.
195
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:08,116
But that�s not
the only special ball.
196
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:10,121
This ball, too, is special.
197
00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:12,419
Now, if you were
to describe that ball,
198
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,119
state its special significance,
199
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:16,684
you might say that that
ball is used in the pros,
200
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:19,094
whereas this ball�s
special significance,
201
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:23,033
stated, is that you may
be able to afford it.
202
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:26,832
What kind of businessman
are you? Come on. Uh...
203
00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:29,703
Give me a break.
Build some customer relations.
204
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:31,367
You think I'm really
looking for the customer
205
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,172
who�s a bust-out
by dollar 80?
206
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:35,304
I could have friends.
207
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,611
A guy who doesn�t
have 80 bucks
208
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,207
doesn�t have rich friends.
209
00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:43,652
But I bet you have some
lovely 39.99 friends.
210
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:52,029
You�re going to gift wrap
this for me, right?
211
00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:54,326
Why, certainly, sir.
212
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:05,409
Yeah, I'd sure hate to lose you
as a customer.
213
00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,575
[Andy narrating]
Take it easy.
214
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:12,913
I knew this guy was rich.
215
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,715
Ah, I didn't know he was
this goddamn rich.
216
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,220
As you might've guessed,
217
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,654
I had no trouble getting the house
218
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,919
in the divorce settlement.
219
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,995
I've met the guy before
a couple times.
220
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,222
He's very nice.
221
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,558
Hello, Andy.
222
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:28,395
Welcome. Welcome.
Please, come in.
223
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,731
Nice place. Big.
224
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:33,430
Thank you.
225
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:36,337
Um, so we had
a really nice trip.
226
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,400
I think Billy enjoyed it.
At least I hope he did.
227
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:39,705
He'll be right down.
228
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:42,339
Or you can go up.
How you been?
229
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,383
Oh, uh, I'm good.
230
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:45,940
Hello, Andy.
231
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:47,178
Oh, hey, Thel.
232
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,413
How are you?
233
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,887
Good. You look good.
234
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:52,424
Thank you.
235
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:55,016
[Sighs]
How�s everything?
236
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,356
Oh, everything...
237
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,021
- Are you working?
...is fine.
238
00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,462
Some place, huh?
239
00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:01,192
- Billy must love it.
- Yeah.
240
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,861
- Hey, Dad!
- Hey, birthday boy!
241
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:06,794
Hey.
242
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,066
Hey.
243
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,370
- Some place you got here.
- Yeah. You wanna see it?
244
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,308
I can show you around.
You gotta see my room.
245
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:13,969
Yeah. Yeah.
246
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,275
Go ahead. Go ahead.
See you guys later.
247
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,873
Hey, get your dad
something to drink.
248
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:25,421
Nice guy. Howard.
249
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:26,924
Yeah, I really like him.
250
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,460
I mean, He's not
as great as you,
251
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,324
but if you and mom
had to split up...
252
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:32,397
Hey, hey.
I want you to like him.
253
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,228
Don�t worry about that.
254
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,460
Hey, I got you something.
255
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,001
Oh, great.
You didn�t have to do that.
256
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:38,434
Yeah, right, Dopey.
257
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,072
Ah.
258
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:54,977
Whoa. Dope.
259
00:10:55,087 --> 00:11:00,024
Ha. This is some room, Dopey.
260
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:02,424
Yeah, you know, Howard
has lots of money, so...
261
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,861
Yeah, that�s good quality.
262
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,091
[Sighs]
Whew.
263
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,031
Listen, Dad,
about this weekend.
264
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:10,124
Mm-hmm?
265
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:11,362
Do you think it'd be okay
266
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,267
if I didn�t come stay with you?
267
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:14,670
It�s just this guy
in my class,
268
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,139
my first new friend
at this school,
269
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:18,870
has a country house
and invited me for the weekend.
270
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,538
Oh. No, go have fun
with your friends.
271
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,444
It�s not that I don�t
want to hang out with you.
272
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,983
No. No.
Hey, you know.
273
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:26,450
You�re getting
older now,
274
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,453
you have things to do
with your friends.
275
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,715
Yeah, it�s just
for this weekend.
276
00:11:29,822 --> 00:11:31,153
Are you sure
you understand?
277
00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:33,851
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Go, have a great time.
278
00:11:33,959 --> 00:11:36,359
- Go.
- All right.
279
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:37,952
Hey, give me my present.
280
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,856
Oh, this? No, no.
281
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:43,958
Dad, I know
it�s a basketball.
282
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,197
It�s okay.
I don�t have one from you.
283
00:11:46,305 --> 00:11:48,466
This isn�t for you.
284
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,009
Uh, I'm definitely
giving you something,
285
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,874
but I just forgot
to bring it.
286
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,003
I'm sorry.
I'll get it to you.
287
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,673
Really, Dad,
it doesn�t matter.
288
00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:58,512
If you bought it for me,
I�d like to have it.
289
00:11:58,584 --> 00:11:59,915
But I didn�t, Bill.
290
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,179
Didn�t you understand
what I said?
291
00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:02,811
This isn�t for you.
This is for somebody
292
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,981
I have to see after...
Later.
293
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:06,524
Sorry.
294
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,856
I'm real sorry
you can�t stay.
295
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,828
Yeah, me, too.
Wish I could. L...
296
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,557
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Andy?
297
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:16,058
Um...
298
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,864
Look, um...
299
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:21,168
All right, you have
a great son.
300
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,868
And I also care
about him a great deal,
301
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,934
and I hope that�s okay.
302
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:29,708
Now, um, I've been
very fortunate in my life,
303
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:32,842
and it�s my pleasure
to give to Billy,
304
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,682
but if you�re not
comfortable with that...
305
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,950
You give, uh, whatever you like.
306
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,116
Whatever you got. Lots.
307
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:43,923
You know, He's a good kid.
It�s good of you to...
308
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:46,361
Yeah, thanks.
I gotta go.
309
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,939
[Narrating]
That was a good day.
310
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,408
Oh, while we were gone,
Otis came in.
311
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:01,241
I don't know.
312
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:03,110
He's my friend,
I love the guy,
313
00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:05,479
and, yeah, I'm apologizing
ahead of time,
314
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:06,778
but hang in there.
315
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:08,751
No one loves women
more than me.
316
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:10,311
I like women
more than I like men.
317
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:12,720
I like women so much
that I can�t understand
318
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,986
why they�re not all lesbians.
319
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:16,323
[Andy narrating]
I'm not related to the guy.
320
00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:18,419
I'm discouraged,
God damn it!
321
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:19,759
I hear you, Andy.
322
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:23,626
You�ve got to give it
a different kind of try.
323
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:27,603
He's not reading that paper.
324
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:30,005
Not that.
325
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,773
This is America.
326
00:13:34,847 --> 00:13:37,577
Anything�s possible!
327
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,950
Think, Andy! Think!
328
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:44,785
Whatever he comes up with,
we�re not in.
329
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:45,915
[Howard]
You have a great son.
330
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,253
[Boss]
You're fired, stinky. Good-bye.
331
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,351
[Wally]
I'd sure hate to lose you
as a customer.
332
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,207
Oh, crap.
333
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:10,777
We�re gonna make
a porno film!
334
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:13,016
(music) Wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-bam (music)
335
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,518
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
336
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,112
(music) Tutti Frutti, whoo (music)
337
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,385
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
338
00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:22,790
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
339
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,558
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
340
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,996
(music) A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop
a-lop bam bam (music)
341
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,695
(music) I got a gal named Sue (music)
342
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,703
(music) She knows just what to do (music)
343
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,399
(music) I got a girl named Sue (music)
344
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:38,067
(music) She knows just what to do (music)
345
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,542
(music) She rock me to the East (music)
346
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:40,907
(music) She rock me to the West (music)
347
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:43,345
(music) But she's the girl
that I love best (music)
348
00:14:43,415 --> 00:14:45,713
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
349
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,309
(music) Tutti Frutti, whoo (music)
350
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,582
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
351
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:53,214
(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)
352
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:55,919
You definitely qualify
for a free rental.
353
00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:58,895
[Moaning on TV]
354
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:10,101
[Andy]
Porn is a $12 billion industry
355
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:11,335
in annual sales.
356
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:18,442
959 million rentals of porn
357
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,778
reported this year.
358
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:23,946
15,000 new ones
are coming out.
359
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:26,217
300 a week.
360
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:30,422
What are the newest,
hottest things in porn?
361
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:33,225
Amateur porn.
362
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,766
The stuff that just
any idiot can make
363
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:35,891
with his video camera.
364
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,128
Any idiot.
365
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:40,296
Some Idiot�s
got a brother.
366
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:44,308
Now, we are amateurs.
367
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,640
This is so right for us.
368
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:49,213
Now, what�s even better
369
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:50,543
is we�re gonna
do something
370
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,810
that�s never
been done before.
371
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:55,045
We�re gonna be
the first town
372
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,951
to band together
373
00:15:57,056 --> 00:16:01,959
to make the first
full-length feature
374
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:05,656
amateur adult film.
375
00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:06,958
So, two firsts for us.
376
00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:09,466
This could be really noisy.
377
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,058
I wanna go for the brass ring here.
378
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,730
You know, why do it otherwise?
379
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:14,966
Am I right, Emmett?
380
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,098
We�re behind you
100%, Andy.
381
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,938
Sure.
382
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:22,740
Is that camera
connected to his face?
383
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,407
Pass those over there.
384
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,783
Emmett, Floyd, is what
they call a film guy.
385
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:33,291
He's one of those guys
that knows all about movies,
386
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:36,692
making them and seeing them.
387
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,355
Well, He's seen everything.
He works at a video store.
388
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:42,491
- And that�s Emmett?
- Emmett is a film guy, Moose.
389
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:43,863
He's a film guy, Moose.
390
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:46,130
I know that, Barney.
I heard Andy.
391
00:16:46,205 --> 00:16:48,765
Well, great.
Welcome, Emmett.
392
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,106
Emmett has been
taking film classes
393
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:55,112
that have lasted all
summer long, and, uh...
394
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,340
I�ve taken classes.
395
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,006
I know that, Some Idiot.
396
00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,142
I gotta tell you, I have
a feeling about this kid.
397
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:01,686
Andy, all the blood
from the stone
398
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,448
that is me is yours
without asking.
399
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,682
Just curiosity here.
400
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,655
What�s in it for Emmett?
401
00:17:06,725 --> 00:17:08,886
Emmett is our...
402
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:09,983
Cinematographer.
403
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,222
Cinematographer.
404
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,491
He's going to shoot the film.
405
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:15,556
And he, you know,
knows what He's doing.
406
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:17,396
Plus, He's gonna
do it for free.
407
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:18,697
Perfect.
408
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:21,068
Just doing it
for the experience.
409
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,640
[All chattering]
410
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,141
Okay?
411
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,801
I'm in.
Except for no money,
412
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:26,970
it�s a no-brainer for me.
413
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,343
First off,
making a stag film
414
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:29,574
has to be a good time.
415
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:31,649
Number two,
my hat�s off to you.
416
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:32,979
Good job.
We can do this.
417
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,713
What are we talking about here?
418
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,812
Making a dirty movie...
film, whatever, whatever.
419
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,687
What does that require?
420
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:42,318
Pointing a camera
at a he and a she
421
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:43,588
he'in and a she'in.
422
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:46,186
We film some sex,
we got a porno.
423
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:47,562
We have accomplished
our goal.
424
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,930
It�s not a hundred things,
it�s one thing.
425
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:52,196
The one thing people
most want to do.
426
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:53,738
Proceed, don�t mind us,
427
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,397
we�re just doing
a little filming here.
428
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:56,872
It�s so specific,
it�s so well-defined,
429
00:17:56,942 --> 00:17:58,273
I gotta say
we can do this.
430
00:17:58,377 --> 00:17:59,537
[Andy]
Thank you, Otis.
431
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:01,841
I'm with you, Otis.
You said it.
432
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,439
All right, buddy.
Go porno.
433
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:07,041
Porno! Porno!
434
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,053
I can�t wait, you know?
Down in front.
435
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:13,558
I'm no choirboy,
but if we make a porno,
436
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:14,956
then we�ve made a porno.
437
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:16,687
Doesn�t the mafia make them?
438
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,525
Well...
439
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,088
All right, enough snacks.
440
00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,534
Floyd, good question,
441
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,037
but the mafia
isn�t making this one.
442
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,269
Butterface Fields is, hmm?
443
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,309
Each of us has lived here
all our lives.
444
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:34,641
We score, we score together.
445
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:36,270
Right.
446
00:18:36,381 --> 00:18:37,473
We don�t want to hurt anybody.
447
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:38,709
We know why we�re doing this.
448
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,978
It�s business, right?
449
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,552
That means we�re
gonna need a script?
450
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,644
Yeah, that�s right.
451
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,221
I'm the guy for that.
452
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,314
Well, we'll talk about that, Some.
453
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:48,484
But just sex scenes
sounds fine to me, eh.
454
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:49,788
No. No, Otis. No.
455
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,295
- And we�re gonna need a director.
- That�s right. Yeah.
456
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:55,093
- I'm the guy for that.
- We�ll talk about that, Some.
457
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:56,429
First, let me just...
458
00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:58,231
Andy, you think I haven�t
studied screenplay writing?
459
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,964
Screenplay.
That�s what it�s called.
460
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,632
- Yep. Some?
- A script for a movie.
461
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:04,902
- We�ll talk about that later.
- There�s a name for people like me.
462
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,342
They�re called writer/directors.
463
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,969
We do two things.
464
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,604
Hollywood had to invent it
465
00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:12,275
because there�s a lot of people
in Hollywood like me
466
00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:13,340
that are multi-gifted.
467
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:14,749
Come Christmas morning,
468
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,845
a kid has two gifts
under a tree.
469
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,786
You can�t ask him
to open just one.
470
00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:20,518
- Sophie's Choice.
- What�s that, kid?
471
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:21,854
Uh, Sophie's Choice.
472
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,655
Yeah, if you like.
Sure, kid.
473
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:24,990
The kid could be named Sophie.
474
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,429
See, Andy?
We�re creating.
475
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,195
It�s called collaboration.
I work well with others.
476
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:31,929
Andy, Clara and Mrs. Morelli
477
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,098
have asked me to ask you
just when can they get a look
478
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,607
at some big porno wienie,
479
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:39,838
"cause they just love
the big porno wienie.
480
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:44,847
[Andy]
Funny, Otis, but, please,
481
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,043
let me just go on, okay?
482
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,177
Andy, how much is this
going to cost each of us?
483
00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:50,721
Uh, total, uh...
484
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:52,050
Should we starting writing
checks now, Andy?
485
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,954
Yeah, we�re in, Andy.
486
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,692
Two grand apiece.
487
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:56,886
- Oh, my...
- [Andy narrating] 'Kay,
488
00:19:56,995 --> 00:19:58,121
- Now we were off and running.
- What?
489
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,186
Each?
490
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:01,198
We were all equal partners financially,
491
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,827
but I told them that those involved
in making the film
492
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:07,838
would get something
that's called screen credit.
493
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,374
They'd see their name
when they watched the film.
494
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:13,000
Nobody thought that was
anything too great.
495
00:20:13,078 --> 00:20:15,842
And then I had explained that
I had watched a lot of films
496
00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:18,382
to prepare for this,
and had at my house
497
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:21,145
some excellent examples of porno.
498
00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:25,752
[Moaning on TV]
499
00:20:25,857 --> 00:20:27,722
There were two
problems immediately.
500
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:30,351
Where was everyone
gonna get two grand,
501
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:32,761
and of those who
wanted to be involved
502
00:20:32,864 --> 00:20:35,196
in, uh, the production,
503
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,700
who was gonna do what?
504
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,258
Here, I've learned
505
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:40,065
movies are supposed
to show, not tell,
506
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,732
so I'll show you Otis telling me
what he'd like to do.
507
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,832
- Andy, I appreciate you coming by.
- Ah...
508
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:47,105
- Hey.
- Hey, Rev.
509
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:48,201
Hello.
510
00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:51,582
I'm gonna get my money.
511
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,116
Oh, great.
512
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:54,549
You know I want in,
513
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,884
and I want in as more...
514
00:20:56,955 --> 00:20:58,183
more than just an investor.
515
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,624
I wanna be involved.
Totally.
516
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:04,525
Well, you know, it takes
a lot of people to make a movie.
517
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:05,585
There�s lots to do.
518
00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:07,631
Do you have some idea
what you�d like to do?
519
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:10,031
I�d like to watch.
520
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:14,630
Well, you know about
this movie film stuff, Andy.
521
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:16,435
Is there a guy,
522
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,441
when you�re making a movie,
523
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:22,240
who just stands around?
524
00:21:22,314 --> 00:21:24,214
Andy, I know
why you�re doing this,
525
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,547
and I'm rooting for you
and I'm with you.
526
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,643
Really.
527
00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:31,120
I mean, we know
each other how long, huh?
528
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:32,485
You are familiar with my life.
529
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:35,822
You may notice
that I'm sweeping here.
530
00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,758
I don�t like being
a custodian of a church,
531
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:39,592
but I wouldn�t like anything else,
either, you know?
532
00:21:39,665 --> 00:21:42,498
Life is a little too dirty
for my taste, in general.
533
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:44,626
People, for the most part,
aren�t really my cup of tea,
534
00:21:44,736 --> 00:21:46,966
but, now, you tell me that
for the next week or two
535
00:21:47,072 --> 00:21:49,233
that I...
536
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,902
I get to hang around
with porno peacharoonies,
537
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,844
and be there while they do their thing?
538
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:56,937
And drink coffee with them,
539
00:21:57,015 --> 00:21:58,414
and after coffee, you know,
540
00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,007
walk them over
to their next hump.
541
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,608
I mean, I can�t think of anything better
542
00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:03,154
I could win at a raffle.
543
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:05,314
And afterward...
544
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:07,915
you�re gonna put
money in my pocket?
545
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,654
Great.
546
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:15,198
I'm not gonna be changed
by this event,
547
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:18,929
but that�s better than my days go.
548
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:22,531
Can you use
a guy like me, Andy?
549
00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:24,541
[Andy narrating]
Otis was made executive producer
550
00:22:24,643 --> 00:22:25,871
on the film.
551
00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:28,639
[Chattering]
552
00:22:28,714 --> 00:22:29,874
[Andy]
Hey, Some.
553
00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:31,846
Hey, guys.
Thanks a lot for coming.
554
00:22:31,950 --> 00:22:33,508
Let me get
right to the point.
555
00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,950
Andy, I�d like to talk
to you about the film.
556
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:38,785
I�d really... I�d like
to be the writer/director.
557
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:41,155
Yeah, I know, Some.
558
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:44,161
Uh... isn�t that
an awful lot to handle?
559
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,389
Sure it is, Andy
Sure it is.
560
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:46,964
But that�s why it�s
so attractive to me.
561
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,728
But, Some, you�d actually
have to write the script,
562
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:53,134
and I'm sure directing
means that you�d really
563
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,173
need to seem like
you have some idea
564
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,502
about what you�re doing.
565
00:22:56,575 --> 00:22:58,736
Andy, look.
566
00:22:58,844 --> 00:23:00,744
Andy, look.
Come here.
567
00:23:00,846 --> 00:23:03,371
I promise you,
I will not show up
568
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:05,473
on that set before
I can seem like
569
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:07,575
I have some idea
of what I'm doing.
570
00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:10,314
Already I�ve been in
a photography class.
571
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,550
Not just one class,
a few nights.
572
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,557
- I know.
- Writing class.
573
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:19,392
And, Andy, I am not lying,
I�ve taken a film class.
574
00:23:19,498 --> 00:23:21,329
Showed up pretty often.
575
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,561
We watch movies
and talk about "em.
576
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:25,568
Look, forget all that.
Listen to me, Andy.
577
00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:27,729
When you yelled out the other night
578
00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,898
that we were gonna make a film,
579
00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:32,772
it was honestly a sign
from God for me.
580
00:23:32,878 --> 00:23:35,210
I mean, just that day...
I swear this, Andy...
581
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,271
I came to the realization...
582
00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:40,408
I mean,
I�ve never known anything
583
00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:42,180
or felt anything
584
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:45,052
so clearly in my life
585
00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:46,920
that what I'm meant to be,
586
00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:48,583
is that my...
587
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,355
my destiny is to be...
588
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,297
a... director.
589
00:23:54,399 --> 00:23:57,960
Some, I won�t let you
develop my snapshots,
590
00:23:58,069 --> 00:24:00,037
and I love you.
591
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,098
That�s the other thing.
592
00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:04,766
You�re filming this thing,
right, not videoing?
593
00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:07,242
Yeah, Emmett can get
something called short ends
594
00:24:07,312 --> 00:24:09,041
of 16mm film.
595
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:10,445
Film looks a lot
better than video,
596
00:24:10,549 --> 00:24:12,073
which is another way
ours will stand out.
597
00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:16,109
The place we send the film to
from this place...
598
00:24:16,221 --> 00:24:20,089
does all the developing
for all the big movie outfits.
599
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:23,491
I could work some big time
magic over there.
600
00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:25,961
Developing won�t be
your biggest expense.
601
00:24:26,064 --> 00:24:29,158
Not if I'm the writer/director.
602
00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:31,064
Andy, this is your baby.
603
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,400
I only want success for you.
604
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,940
And look, Some is
a friend of mine, too,
605
00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:38,567
but certainly one of our keys
to success here
606
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:41,669
is to keep him as far away
from this thing as possible,
607
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,442
and you just made him
the writer/director.
608
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:47,974
Okay, good, he can help us
with the developing...
609
00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:49,246
No, he can�t.
610
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,255
This is Some
we�re talking about.
611
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,655
He stopped developing at 15.
612
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,089
What do you want me to do?
613
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,526
You want me to take away
the guy�s destiny?
614
00:24:57,629 --> 00:24:59,529
That�s why I'm doing this,
Barney, you know?
615
00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:01,758
I�d give anything if everybody
or any one of us
616
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,824
could get some destiny
out of this.
617
00:25:03,935 --> 00:25:06,130
I just wanna make sure
you�ve thought this thing through.
618
00:25:06,204 --> 00:25:08,604
You�re the only level headed,
solid guy in the whole town.
619
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:10,334
Solid? Like a rock?
620
00:25:10,442 --> 00:25:13,275
And that�s why...
621
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,280
I'm hoping that... that you'll, uh,
622
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,940
produce this thing with me.
623
00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:20,450
You know,
be my co-producer, hmm?
624
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,111
Co-producer?
625
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,519
Yeah, well, you know...
626
00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:27,353
you have a way with people
that I just don�t have.
627
00:25:27,459 --> 00:25:30,951
I want you to be head
of public relations, too.
628
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:32,326
Head?
629
00:25:32,397 --> 00:25:33,523
Yeah.
630
00:25:33,632 --> 00:25:35,065
And co-producer?
631
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:36,326
- That�s two things.
- Yeah, I know.
632
00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:38,631
If it�s not asking too much.
633
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,830
[Narrating]
Okay, so, the funding.
634
00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:42,965
Some of the town
actually had two grand.
635
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,066
Others got another credit card.
636
00:25:45,176 --> 00:25:48,236
Moe-Ron got it out of their pension
from the factory.
637
00:25:48,346 --> 00:25:50,143
Otis borrowed it from the reverend.
638
00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:52,240
Uh, didn't tell him
what it was for, of course.
639
00:25:52,350 --> 00:25:56,081
Otis claims he's a gay reverend,
by the way.
640
00:25:56,187 --> 00:25:58,417
Me, Barn, Moose, and Some Idiot
641
00:25:58,523 --> 00:26:00,821
simply did what we hoped
we'd never have to.
642
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,587
We hocked our fathers' watches.
643
00:26:02,694 --> 00:26:05,492
Moose, his mother's pin.
644
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:07,429
Hi, Mom and Pop.
645
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:11,559
Look, about this new thing
I'm doing, uh...
646
00:26:11,670 --> 00:26:15,436
I realize it might not fall
under how you raised me,
647
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,440
it�s just not all like you said.
648
00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:19,237
You know, some of the stuff
you taught me,
649
00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:21,335
it�s just not applicable.
650
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:25,247
You were wrong about
some stuff, Mom, Pop.
651
00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:30,513
I don�t know why I am the way I am,
652
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:33,080
but I have to get something going.
653
00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:34,351
That�s gotta be most important.
654
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,122
Now, it�s business.
655
00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:38,786
You know, America.
656
00:26:38,897 --> 00:26:40,364
I love you.
657
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:42,263
I'm trying to be a good boy.
658
00:26:42,367 --> 00:26:45,564
This could work out.
I have a feeling.
659
00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:51,241
It was time for our
first production meeting.
660
00:26:53,244 --> 00:26:54,871
Oh, there you go!
661
00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:56,937
Emmett was now
a member of our team,
662
00:26:57,048 --> 00:26:58,777
and we were very encouraged
by his ability.
663
00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:00,908
We figured if he's
this good a third baseman,
664
00:27:00,986 --> 00:27:03,750
he can't be a bad cameraman.
665
00:27:03,822 --> 00:27:05,483
Emmett!
666
00:27:05,590 --> 00:27:07,820
Emmett! Excellent!
Excellent!
667
00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:09,393
To the porno!
668
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:11,395
[All]
Porno! Porno!
669
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:13,431
Porno! Porno!
670
00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:15,329
Hey, I'm sure you got
more important things
671
00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:17,401
you�d like to talk about,
but I can�t stand it anymore.
672
00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:19,767
Let�s hear about the gals you
got lined up for the porno.
673
00:27:19,838 --> 00:27:21,465
Yeehaw! Boy, that�s
what I wanna know.
674
00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,404
Let�s hear about the gals
we got in the porno.
675
00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:26,000
It�s all I can think about.
I can�t even sleep anymore.
676
00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:28,511
- You should see the bags under my eyes.
- Eye on the ball!
677
00:27:28,613 --> 00:27:31,173
As the director, I'm very eager
to find out who my cast is going to be.
678
00:27:31,282 --> 00:27:34,581
And as the writer, needless to say,
it�s a total advantage
679
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:36,848
to know who you�re writing for.
680
00:27:36,955 --> 00:27:40,015
It�s going to help my script immensely,
so go ahead, Andy.
681
00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:42,685
Hey, you got the gals to get hose-arinoed,
et cetera, in the porno, right?
682
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:46,093
[Moose]
Oh, please, Andy, stop teasing us.
683
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:48,189
[Cheering]
684
00:27:48,299 --> 00:27:51,029
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
685
00:27:51,136 --> 00:27:52,626
Come on.
686
00:27:52,704 --> 00:27:55,002
John, let�s go.
687
00:27:55,106 --> 00:27:58,269
Of course, Andy�s got the gals
lined up for the porno.
688
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:02,370
I mean, how would we have
a porno without gals, right?
689
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,948
Fellas, you�re talking
about casting...
690
00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:07,951
casting, uh, you know,
that takes place
691
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:09,543
during preproduction,
692
00:28:09,654 --> 00:28:11,781
and we�re in
preproduction now.
693
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:14,450
- Right, Emmett?
- Preproduction.
694
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,391
And, fellas, that�s really
one of the main things
695
00:28:16,494 --> 00:28:18,155
I wanted to talk
to you about tonight.
696
00:28:18,229 --> 00:28:20,720
Andy, to make
a good porno film,
697
00:28:20,832 --> 00:28:24,063
I'm gonna need some gals
to get boned and give head and stuff.
698
00:28:24,169 --> 00:28:25,534
You need a script first.
699
00:28:25,637 --> 00:28:27,070
How can you cast
without a script?
700
00:28:27,172 --> 00:28:28,867
Well, I'm working on that.
701
00:28:28,973 --> 00:28:30,736
Excuse me,
702
00:28:30,842 --> 00:28:32,241
isn�t the role of the gal
703
00:28:32,343 --> 00:28:33,901
getting futzed in unthinkable ways
704
00:28:34,012 --> 00:28:36,242
go to whoever we can get to do it?
705
00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:37,336
Am I wrong?
706
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:40,248
Fellas, we have money
in the budget to pay the actors,
707
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:44,310
or we offer them what�s called
a piece of the backend.
708
00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:48,492
Just like we�re each getting
709
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,494
you know, equal share
of the profit
710
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,530
for our two grand,
711
00:28:52,597 --> 00:28:55,395
in exchange for acting services rendered,
they get a share.
712
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,661
For a half-a-dozen guys unloading on you
713
00:28:57,736 --> 00:29:00,068
so you look like a melted candle today,
714
00:29:00,171 --> 00:29:01,934
we will gladly pay you on Tuesday?
715
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,873
I don�t know who�s gonna
go for that one, A.
716
00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:06,240
Strike!
717
00:29:06,344 --> 00:29:08,608
[Andy narrating]
All right, this was our first little hiccup.
718
00:29:08,713 --> 00:29:11,841
So, well, we needed
to get some gals.
719
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:13,781
Uh, Otis made a good point, though.
720
00:29:13,885 --> 00:29:16,615
We probably could cast without a script.
721
00:29:19,190 --> 00:29:22,523
Hey, Helen,
how you doing?
722
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:24,721
Hey, Some,
how you guys doing?
723
00:29:24,796 --> 00:29:27,094
You having trouble
with the porno film?
724
00:29:27,198 --> 00:29:31,601
Yes, a little casting trouble.
725
00:29:31,703 --> 00:29:33,933
We just need
some lovely ladies
726
00:29:34,038 --> 00:29:36,734
with half your looks,
and we�d be golden.
727
00:29:36,808 --> 00:29:38,708
You want me to be
in your porno film?
728
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:40,711
- Yeah.
- No.
729
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,371
I'm the writer/director.
730
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,108
I'm not gonna be
in your porno film, Some.
731
00:29:44,215 --> 00:29:46,479
I would never do that.
I got better things to do.
732
00:29:46,584 --> 00:29:48,643
Who knows, Helen?
733
00:29:48,753 --> 00:29:51,085
It could be an opportunity
to make some real money.
734
00:29:51,156 --> 00:29:56,560
Right now I'm waiting
on this really terrific guy.
735
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,289
He's gonna take me
into the city,
736
00:29:58,396 --> 00:30:02,093
and we�re gonna have
a big time.
737
00:30:02,167 --> 00:30:04,965
We might be going
to the Bahamas next week...
738
00:30:05,069 --> 00:30:06,969
or the week after...
He's taking me.
739
00:30:07,071 --> 00:30:09,631
What time is he supposed
to pick you up?
740
00:30:09,741 --> 00:30:12,403
Eightish.
741
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,935
Well, it�s pretty close to 10.
742
00:30:18,116 --> 00:30:20,107
He said "ish."
743
00:30:23,288 --> 00:30:24,482
Mine! Mine! Mine!
744
00:30:24,589 --> 00:30:25,578
Aah!
745
00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,319
I know some dishes
who would do it for me as a favor
746
00:30:28,426 --> 00:30:30,360
"cause I�ve done them
a few favors in the past,
747
00:30:30,461 --> 00:30:32,019
if you know what I mean.
748
00:30:32,130 --> 00:30:35,622
But, unfortunately,
they�re all out of town.
749
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:38,931
Well, some...
Some are out of town.
750
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:41,699
Uh, one broke her leg.
751
00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:43,034
And her back.
752
00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:45,268
Um, she�s in a full body cast,
753
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:46,367
so that wouldn�t really work.
754
00:30:46,477 --> 00:30:49,105
Well, not easily, anyway.
755
00:30:49,180 --> 00:30:51,614
[Andy narrating]
From the bar, we went back to my house,
756
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:54,277
which is also the production office.
757
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:56,115
I had this idea
758
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:57,654
that we should draw up a list
759
00:30:57,722 --> 00:30:59,553
of the types of scenes we needed.
760
00:30:59,657 --> 00:31:02,125
This way we'd know how many
cast members to get,
761
00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:03,990
and what it is we'd be asking them to do.
762
00:31:04,062 --> 00:31:05,051
Can we do that?
763
00:31:05,163 --> 00:31:09,532
See, there are some
required scenes in all pornos,
764
00:31:09,634 --> 00:31:11,659
you know, scenes that,
well, you gotta have,
765
00:31:11,736 --> 00:31:13,499
obviously, because,
well, they all have 'em.
766
00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:14,902
Okay, that does it.
767
00:31:15,006 --> 00:31:19,375
Now, we need at least
one lesbo scene,
768
00:31:19,477 --> 00:31:22,037
so that�s two gals.
769
00:31:22,146 --> 00:31:24,137
One gal masturbating
with toys.
770
00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:26,740
That could be one of the gals
from the lesbo scene.
771
00:31:26,851 --> 00:31:28,478
- Right?
- Mmm.
772
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:29,918
At least one, uh...
773
00:31:30,021 --> 00:31:31,318
You know, maybe
it�d be best
774
00:31:31,389 --> 00:31:32,913
if it weren�t.
775
00:31:33,024 --> 00:31:34,355
What do you mean, Some?
776
00:31:34,425 --> 00:31:36,359
What is the lesbo scene
gonna include?
777
00:31:36,427 --> 00:31:38,759
A lot of donut bumping
and carpet munching, right?
778
00:31:38,863 --> 00:31:42,060
So it�s gonna concentrate
a lot in the same area
779
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:45,533
as the gal-twiddling
scene, isn�t it?
780
00:31:45,603 --> 00:31:47,696
If we use one of
the same gals from both,
781
00:31:47,772 --> 00:31:49,205
then maybe we�d...
782
00:31:49,274 --> 00:31:51,208
Be tired of
looking at her fruit cup.
783
00:31:51,276 --> 00:31:54,541
Oh, all right.
I hear you.
784
00:31:54,612 --> 00:31:55,943
All right.
See, this is good.
785
00:31:56,047 --> 00:31:57,241
We�re working together.
786
00:31:57,348 --> 00:31:58,679
You know,
let�s keep this up.
787
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:00,581
Some, looking alive, buddy.
788
00:32:00,685 --> 00:32:01,777
Thank you.
789
00:32:01,886 --> 00:32:03,080
You�re walking
and talking
790
00:32:03,187 --> 00:32:04,950
like a real
writer/director now.
791
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:06,387
Yeah.
792
00:32:06,457 --> 00:32:08,789
Okay, let�s keep going.
793
00:32:08,893 --> 00:32:11,123
So, at least
one in-the-butt scene.
794
00:32:11,229 --> 00:32:13,629
Preferably two,
but one will do.
795
00:32:13,731 --> 00:32:16,393
It�s amazing how popular
in-the-butt is.
796
00:32:16,467 --> 00:32:17,627
In porno.
797
00:32:17,735 --> 00:32:22,297
Uh... okay, moving on.
798
00:32:22,407 --> 00:32:25,274
One "black guys with dicks
that�d be big on elephants
799
00:32:25,376 --> 00:32:27,071
with a little white girl" scene.
800
00:32:27,145 --> 00:32:28,476
Where we�re gonna
get the black guy,
801
00:32:28,579 --> 00:32:29,705
I have no idea,
802
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:32,249
but... that about does it.
803
00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:36,583
Uh, girl gobbling at least
three guys at once, Andy.
804
00:32:36,654 --> 00:32:38,144
Oh, good.
Thanks, man.
805
00:32:38,256 --> 00:32:40,724
- Oh, whoa. Whoa.
- Good call.
806
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:46,731
"Gal giving
multiple knob jobs
807
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,392
concurrently" scene.
808
00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:53,403
Okay, here are the scenes.
809
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:55,837
We got lesbo,
810
00:32:55,940 --> 00:32:57,066
masturbating,
811
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:58,130
a couple in-the-butt,
812
00:32:58,242 --> 00:33:00,301
white girl, black guys,
813
00:33:00,411 --> 00:33:04,177
and blowing three.
814
00:33:04,282 --> 00:33:07,251
- Good porno.
- Mm-hmm.
815
00:33:10,355 --> 00:33:11,788
Hi, Floyd.
816
00:33:15,693 --> 00:33:17,422
Moe-Ron, hi.
817
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:18,621
How ya doin"?
818
00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:20,095
Good.
819
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:22,189
[Indistinct chatter]
820
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:29,139
Hey, Thelma.
821
00:33:29,207 --> 00:33:31,368
Hi.
822
00:33:33,778 --> 00:33:36,975
Oh. Oh.
823
00:33:37,048 --> 00:33:38,982
Hmm.
824
00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:45,121
Well...
825
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:48,454
So, um...
826
00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:51,825
Billy�s worried now that
you�ve seen our place
827
00:33:51,896 --> 00:33:54,296
that you�re uncomfortable
about having him
828
00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:55,559
spend the weekends with you.
829
00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:57,031
Well, I see him
on weekends.
830
00:33:57,135 --> 00:33:58,864
You take him
out to dinner on Friday,
831
00:33:58,970 --> 00:34:02,531
and then a few hours
on Saturday and Sunday.
832
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:03,902
Well...
833
00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:06,067
You know, he thought
you�d be together on the weekends.
834
00:34:06,177 --> 00:34:09,578
There are no sheets
on his bed, Thel.
835
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,580
When you moved out,
you must�ve taken them.
836
00:34:11,682 --> 00:34:13,206
There�s just a stripped
bed in his room.
837
00:34:13,317 --> 00:34:16,718
I didn�t leave dirty sheets on the bed
838
00:34:16,821 --> 00:34:19,187
when I packed up the room.
839
00:34:19,257 --> 00:34:23,421
I'm sure that they�re
in the linen closet,
840
00:34:23,528 --> 00:34:25,155
or I'll buy you
some new sheets.
841
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:26,560
I have a linen closet?
842
00:34:26,664 --> 00:34:30,100
Are there sheets for my bed
in there, you think?
843
00:34:30,201 --> 00:34:34,695
Andy, Billy doesn�t care about houses,
844
00:34:34,772 --> 00:34:37,104
and he doesn�t want you to care.
845
00:34:37,208 --> 00:34:40,109
You know He's not even
that good at basketball.
846
00:34:40,211 --> 00:34:41,678
He only plays it
because you did.
847
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,112
Well, soon, I promise.
848
00:34:44,215 --> 00:34:46,775
I'm just in the middle
of this thing right now,
849
00:34:46,884 --> 00:34:48,408
the house is a mess with it,
850
00:34:48,519 --> 00:34:49,952
but I need to go with this thing.
851
00:34:50,054 --> 00:34:52,784
You know, this could
really be a good thing.
852
00:34:52,890 --> 00:34:55,415
This... this could be it.
853
00:34:55,526 --> 00:34:59,053
You know, I got a feeling.
854
00:34:59,130 --> 00:35:00,927
Good luck, Andy.
855
00:35:03,034 --> 00:35:06,561
My fingers are crossed
in double knots for you.
856
00:35:10,041 --> 00:35:11,440
Bye.
857
00:35:11,542 --> 00:35:14,238
You look pretty, Thel.
858
00:35:19,717 --> 00:35:21,582
[Narrating]
This is Some Idiot's mother's house.
859
00:35:21,652 --> 00:35:23,210
Some lives with his mom.
860
00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:25,482
She's mostly deaf, by the way.
861
00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:27,649
All right, so we've skipped ahead
a little here.
862
00:35:27,758 --> 00:35:30,386
Just a little.
We still had no cast.
863
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:32,827
We went to Some's
for an afternoon snack.
864
00:35:32,930 --> 00:35:36,127
To his credit, he was taking
this thing pretty seriously.
865
00:35:36,234 --> 00:35:38,134
Some was reading all kinds
of books on film,
866
00:35:38,236 --> 00:35:41,899
and had a first draft
of the script for us.
867
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:44,066
- Example.
- Uh, not anything good.
868
00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:45,473
"Page 44.
869
00:35:45,576 --> 00:35:48,602
"Exterior. Top of train. Day.
870
00:35:48,679 --> 00:35:50,840
"The train speeds through the city
871
00:35:50,948 --> 00:35:53,416
"as Yvonne and Jizelle
lay on the top of the train,
872
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:55,577
eating out each other�s honey pots."
873
00:35:55,653 --> 00:35:59,350
First of all, well,
that�s a very nice scene.
874
00:35:59,457 --> 00:36:00,617
We don�t have
any women yet,
875
00:36:00,691 --> 00:36:02,022
let alone two
to yodel each other
876
00:36:02,126 --> 00:36:03,821
on the top of
a moving train.
877
00:36:03,928 --> 00:36:07,329
And then, here,
reaction shots
878
00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:09,456
from people
in skyscrapers
879
00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:11,695
as they peer and gawk
out their windows
880
00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:13,827
at the passing train.
881
00:36:13,938 --> 00:36:15,166
You know,
again, terrific,
882
00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:16,934
but where is this?
883
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:18,600
We�re gonna build a city
884
00:36:18,676 --> 00:36:20,200
for the train
to pass through
885
00:36:20,311 --> 00:36:23,371
that�s surrounded
by skyscrapers?
886
00:36:23,481 --> 00:36:25,676
What, are we gonna
fly somewhere?
887
00:36:25,783 --> 00:36:27,944
And then here.
This is my favorite.
888
00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:32,046
99. "Interior. Office. Day.
889
00:36:32,156 --> 00:36:34,351
"Boris gives it to
Bianca in the butt
890
00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:36,824
as she defuses the bomb."
891
00:36:36,894 --> 00:36:39,158
I mean, you know,
a bomb?
892
00:36:39,230 --> 00:36:41,960
Some Idiot, tell your friends
to stop talking so much.
893
00:36:42,066 --> 00:36:43,294
How can they eat?
894
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,664
Everybody�s good, Ma.
Don�t worry about it.
895
00:36:44,735 --> 00:36:46,225
It�s an important
meeting here, Mom.
896
00:36:46,337 --> 00:36:47,634
This is delicious,
Mrs. Cherkiss.
897
00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:49,400
How�s your son, Andy?
898
00:36:49,507 --> 00:36:50,701
Does he like being rich?
899
00:36:50,808 --> 00:36:52,002
Oh, yeah.
900
00:36:52,076 --> 00:36:54,977
I hear He's got a basketball court
in his room. Is that right?
901
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:56,570
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great.
902
00:36:59,383 --> 00:37:01,476
Some, I don�t know.
903
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:03,713
Uh, I mean personally,
904
00:37:03,821 --> 00:37:06,255
I think Bianca, you know,
905
00:37:06,357 --> 00:37:07,915
she might be a little distracted
906
00:37:08,025 --> 00:37:09,652
if Boris visits her back porch
907
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:11,661
while she�s diffusing the bomb.
908
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:14,527
And it�s kind of irresponsible
909
00:37:14,599 --> 00:37:16,191
of them, you know?
910
00:37:16,267 --> 00:37:19,259
So many people die
if the bomb goes off!
911
00:37:19,370 --> 00:37:21,600
Some, we don�t know
what we�re doing!
912
00:37:21,706 --> 00:37:22,764
[Moose]
I mean, really, Some.
913
00:37:22,873 --> 00:37:25,034
Even I could keep my hands
off some hot dolly
914
00:37:25,109 --> 00:37:26,576
if she was busy
diffusing a bomb,
915
00:37:26,677 --> 00:37:28,008
at least for a few minutes.
916
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,445
I really think Boris
should show some restraint.
917
00:37:30,548 --> 00:37:32,243
Andy, Orson Welles said,
918
00:37:32,350 --> 00:37:34,910
"The absence of limitation
is the enemy of art."
919
00:37:35,019 --> 00:37:36,509
I'm sorry,
but what�s the point
920
00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:38,054
of letting me write the script
921
00:37:38,122 --> 00:37:40,249
if you�re not gonna
let me do what I do?
922
00:37:40,358 --> 00:37:42,758
We don�t know
what we�re doing, Some!
923
00:37:42,860 --> 00:37:44,521
We�ve got to keep it simple!
924
00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:46,460
Otherwise, we�re never
going to make this porn!
925
00:37:46,564 --> 00:37:47,929
Andy, first off,
926
00:37:48,032 --> 00:37:50,023
lesbians are not going
to be hard to find.
927
00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:52,092
Read a magazine. They�re
growing on trees these days.
928
00:37:52,203 --> 00:37:54,296
We couldn�t
film a kiss today.
929
00:37:54,405 --> 00:37:55,531
Who wants Jell-o?
930
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,130
You know that scene
931
00:37:57,241 --> 00:37:58,902
where the helicopter lowers the ladder
932
00:37:58,976 --> 00:38:01,809
and Congresswoman Pennedy
and her black bodyguard Leroy,
933
00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:03,243
they grab on,
they�re swooped away
934
00:38:03,314 --> 00:38:04,747
just in the nick of time?
935
00:38:04,815 --> 00:38:06,646
She proceeds to blow him
on the ladder
936
00:38:06,751 --> 00:38:08,548
while they�re swung
around the sky?
937
00:38:10,221 --> 00:38:12,280
That scene is covered
by our budget?
938
00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:13,652
That�s not my...
939
00:38:13,758 --> 00:38:15,487
It�s got cut-up fruit in it.
940
00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:18,323
Some, this thing
is 190 pages.
941
00:38:18,429 --> 00:38:19,589
You got to figure
942
00:38:19,664 --> 00:38:21,757
that a porno is
like an action film.
943
00:38:21,832 --> 00:38:23,561
Who needs
"The car blows up.
944
00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:26,102
"A huge red fireball
engulfs the area,
945
00:38:26,170 --> 00:38:27,831
"sending flaming pieces
946
00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:29,633
"of burning metal
through the air.
947
00:38:29,740 --> 00:38:31,571
People flee,"
et cetera, et cetera?
948
00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,007
Pears and apples.
949
00:38:33,110 --> 00:38:34,441
"The car blows up.
950
00:38:34,512 --> 00:38:36,639
The gal blows
the guy" will do.
951
00:38:36,747 --> 00:38:37,771
We get it.
952
00:38:37,848 --> 00:38:40,282
Nine, ten pages,
no more.
953
00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:42,114
Uh, Mrs. Cherkiss, you
don�t have to serve us.
954
00:38:42,186 --> 00:38:43,517
Join us here.
955
00:38:43,621 --> 00:38:45,282
- Okay, honey.
- I have to go.
956
00:38:45,356 --> 00:38:46,516
That�s it,
right there.
957
00:38:46,624 --> 00:38:47,955
Let�s see here.
958
00:38:48,025 --> 00:38:49,083
Thank you.
959
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,422
Okay, I�ve been sitting
on this all night,
960
00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:51,859
waiting for the right moment.
961
00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:54,089
I saved the day.
Finally got us some gals.
962
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:55,928
- At least one for sure.
- What?
963
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,467
I�ve been wracking my brain.
964
00:38:57,535 --> 00:38:59,332
These are modern times.
965
00:38:59,437 --> 00:39:01,200
There must be
some gals around here
966
00:39:01,305 --> 00:39:02,966
who would like
to do some porn.
967
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,032
The opportunity has
simply not lent itself.
968
00:39:06,143 --> 00:39:07,770
And then it hit me.
969
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,540
I got embarrassed,
it�s so obvious.
970
00:39:09,647 --> 00:39:10,807
Who is it?
971
00:39:10,881 --> 00:39:12,712
Who�s the sure thing?
Tell us.
972
00:39:12,817 --> 00:39:14,648
The gal at the bed store.
973
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,710
- Hey!
- She�s hot!
974
00:39:16,821 --> 00:39:18,152
Right? Come on.
975
00:39:18,222 --> 00:39:19,780
- Yeah, I like her.
- Oh!
976
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,381
How did you...
When did you ask her?
977
00:39:21,492 --> 00:39:23,050
Haven�t yet.
We got to do that.
978
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:24,718
Then she didn�t say
she�d do it.
979
00:39:24,829 --> 00:39:27,059
- Barney, she works in a bed store.
- Yeah?
980
00:39:27,164 --> 00:39:28,654
A gal who works in a bed store,
981
00:39:28,733 --> 00:39:31,065
you know she likes to what?
982
00:39:31,168 --> 00:39:32,658
Earn a living?
983
00:39:32,737 --> 00:39:35,638
Go to bed,
A.K.A. Lie down,
984
00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:37,230
A.K.A. Scrump.
985
00:39:37,341 --> 00:39:39,206
I do? I know that?
Since when do I know that?
986
00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:40,902
Why else would she
work at a bed store?
987
00:39:41,011 --> 00:39:42,308
Again, I mention salary.
988
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:44,644
- Maybe she likes to sleep.
- Yeah, she probably loves both,
989
00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,808
but we�re only concerned
with the "her loving to scrump" part.
990
00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:48,010
I don�t think you�re right.
991
00:39:48,085 --> 00:39:49,245
No, I'm positive.
992
00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:50,650
We�re all missing this?
993
00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:52,382
Four idiots doubting something
makes it untrue?
994
00:39:52,490 --> 00:39:54,424
She works at a bed store.
995
00:39:54,525 --> 00:39:56,652
Scrumping's her middle name.
996
00:39:56,727 --> 00:39:58,752
Vegetarians don�t sell hot dogs!
997
00:39:58,863 --> 00:40:01,593
Emmett, I ask you something.
I tell you a gal works in a bed store.
998
00:40:01,699 --> 00:40:04,259
- What do you know for sure?
- Loves to scrump.
999
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:33,226
She�s in.
1000
00:40:33,297 --> 00:40:35,197
Are you serious?
1001
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:37,962
We have our first
cast member?
1002
00:40:38,068 --> 00:40:39,695
[Narrating]
Now we were really off and running.
1003
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:40,896
Otis, way to go!
1004
00:40:40,971 --> 00:40:42,871
I cannot believe it!
This is fantastic!
1005
00:40:42,940 --> 00:40:44,202
You told her everything?
1006
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,708
Oh, yeah,
she'll do it in the butt,
1007
00:40:45,776 --> 00:40:47,300
off helicopters,
with toys, anything.
1008
00:40:47,411 --> 00:40:48,742
She works in a bed store,
1009
00:40:48,813 --> 00:40:49,973
so naturally
she loves scrumping.
1010
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,241
I cannot believe it!
1011
00:40:52,316 --> 00:40:53,613
You just asked her,
1012
00:40:53,717 --> 00:40:56,049
and now we have
our first cast member.
1013
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,146
Andy, I wasn�t kidding
when I said
1014
00:40:59,256 --> 00:41:01,247
I was looking forward
to this porno.
1015
00:41:01,325 --> 00:41:03,657
And let this be
a lesson to all of us.
1016
00:41:03,761 --> 00:41:08,221
In life, nothing ventured,
nothing gained.
1017
00:41:11,168 --> 00:41:13,500
Unfortunately,
a little problem came
1018
00:41:13,604 --> 00:41:15,071
from Otis' success.
1019
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,731
It encouraged Some.
1020
00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,900
The next day,
he called me all revved up
1021
00:41:18,976 --> 00:41:20,637
and insisted
I meet him right away.
1022
00:41:20,744 --> 00:41:21,768
He's got us another actress.
1023
00:41:21,846 --> 00:41:24,337
Charlene Pike.
Works here full time.
1024
00:41:24,448 --> 00:41:25,676
She�s 20,
I'm telling you.
1025
00:41:25,783 --> 00:41:27,148
She looks 16.
1026
00:41:27,251 --> 00:41:29,515
But she�s 20.
Five days ago.
1027
00:41:29,620 --> 00:41:32,453
I know it for a fact.
I remember when she was born.
1028
00:41:32,523 --> 00:41:34,684
You told her everything,
in detail,
1029
00:41:34,792 --> 00:41:36,282
about what she�d be doing?
1030
00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:39,193
I swear to God, Andy,
tell her yourself.
1031
00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:40,786
According to Some,
1032
00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:43,163
Charlene wanted
to do our porno... a lot.
1033
00:41:43,267 --> 00:41:45,531
I'm not comfortable with this.
It feels wrong.
1034
00:41:45,636 --> 00:41:47,365
I don�t think we�d be
doing the right thing.
1035
00:41:47,471 --> 00:41:50,634
Free country, Andy.
If she wants to... She�s 20.
1036
00:41:50,708 --> 00:41:52,335
We�re not twisting her arm
1037
00:41:52,443 --> 00:41:54,775
or telling her lies
to get her to do it,
1038
00:41:54,845 --> 00:41:56,005
and we need her.
1039
00:41:56,113 --> 00:41:57,478
What about Ernest G.?
1040
00:41:57,548 --> 00:41:59,607
He�d actually
kill us in a second.
1041
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:02,015
[Narrating]
The only really dangerous screwed-up guy
1042
00:42:02,119 --> 00:42:04,679
that's ever lived around here
is this guy Ernest G... �
1043
00:42:04,788 --> 00:42:06,881
Ernest G. Pike,
Charlene's big brother.
1044
00:42:06,991 --> 00:42:09,289
Ernest G.'s somewhere where
he gets very little news
1045
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,622
and where they don�t allow killing.
1046
00:42:10,694 --> 00:42:13,561
He's doing time upstate
for a bunch of robberies.
1047
00:42:13,664 --> 00:42:15,564
He won�t be away forever.
What about when he gets out?
1048
00:42:15,666 --> 00:42:16,826
Well, it�s not today.
1049
00:42:16,901 --> 00:42:18,493
That�s all we have to worry about.
1050
00:42:18,569 --> 00:42:19,968
I've been to the movies before.
1051
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:22,130
I assume you have, too,
so we both know
1052
00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:23,798
this guy is popping up here soon.
1053
00:42:23,874 --> 00:42:25,967
I just feel better coming clean with it now
1054
00:42:26,043 --> 00:42:27,510
rather than treating you
1055
00:42:27,578 --> 00:42:29,045
like a bunch of idiots
who didn't know.
1056
00:42:29,146 --> 00:42:30,704
Anyway...
1057
00:42:30,814 --> 00:42:32,873
When the day does come,
if he finds out,
1058
00:42:32,983 --> 00:42:34,644
we�ll be rich enough
to hire bodyguards
1059
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:37,346
or someone to rough him up,
whatever.
1060
00:42:37,421 --> 00:42:39,912
I can�t worry about
the distant future, Andy,
1061
00:42:40,024 --> 00:42:43,323
not when there�s
a piece of good fortune
1062
00:42:43,394 --> 00:42:45,021
available to us right now.
1063
00:42:45,095 --> 00:42:47,996
Just talk to her.
1064
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:53,025
Has Some,
uh, told you, uh...
1065
00:42:53,103 --> 00:42:57,233
what... you�d be doing?
1066
00:42:57,341 --> 00:42:59,104
Yeah.
1067
00:42:59,209 --> 00:43:00,437
Okay.
1068
00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:05,048
W-Why would you
want to do this?
1069
00:43:05,115 --> 00:43:07,879
Ever worked at
the Softy Freeze, Andy?
1070
00:43:07,952 --> 00:43:10,443
No. No, they...
they wouldn�t hire me.
1071
00:43:10,554 --> 00:43:13,955
Andy, why the hell do you
live in Butterface Fields?
1072
00:43:14,058 --> 00:43:15,184
Are you crazy?
1073
00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:17,193
I mean, why would
anybody do that,
1074
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,694
let alone want to do that?
1075
00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,627
Do you want to see my list
1076
00:43:20,731 --> 00:43:22,858
of opportunities
that have come my way?
1077
00:43:25,970 --> 00:43:28,905
Andy, I'm just seizing
any openings
1078
00:43:28,973 --> 00:43:31,271
because I don�t know
what else to do.
1079
00:43:31,375 --> 00:43:33,138
I mean, I�ve had sex before.
1080
00:43:33,243 --> 00:43:35,905
It�s so boring around here,
I�ve actually had a lot of it.
1081
00:43:35,980 --> 00:43:38,414
I�ve even gone
to a lot of trouble
1082
00:43:38,482 --> 00:43:40,313
just to try and keep
the sex interesting,
1083
00:43:40,417 --> 00:43:42,078
you know,
just to compensate
1084
00:43:42,152 --> 00:43:43,744
for the quality
of life around here,
1085
00:43:43,821 --> 00:43:44,981
which is so boring
1086
00:43:45,089 --> 00:43:49,082
that I keep myself busy
by having sex.
1087
00:43:49,159 --> 00:43:50,717
And, well, you�re paying,
1088
00:43:50,794 --> 00:43:54,560
so that makes it the best
offer that I�ve had today.
1089
00:43:55,799 --> 00:43:57,892
And then there�s also the unknown.
1090
00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:01,768
So... yeah.
1091
00:44:01,839 --> 00:44:03,966
Count me in.
1092
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,505
[Andy narrating]
So we're off and running.
1093
00:44:11,615 --> 00:44:13,810
Good ol' Moe-Ron
really came through for us.
1094
00:44:13,917 --> 00:44:15,248
They got us... are you ready?
1095
00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:16,786
Three black guys,
no problem.
1096
00:44:16,854 --> 00:44:19,345
How about that?
Yeah, I said three.
1097
00:44:19,456 --> 00:44:21,424
I've seen as many as a busload
1098
00:44:21,492 --> 00:44:24,620
in these "big black guys
with a little white girl" scenes,
1099
00:44:24,695 --> 00:44:26,492
but, you know, three is...
is respectable.
1100
00:44:26,597 --> 00:44:28,462
They live here in Butterface Fields.
1101
00:44:28,532 --> 00:44:31,467
Moe-Ron, they work
with them at the factory.
1102
00:44:31,535 --> 00:44:32,627
Now smile.
1103
00:44:32,703 --> 00:44:34,102
I went down to the factory.
1104
00:44:34,171 --> 00:44:35,638
Gave them the whole story.
1105
00:44:35,706 --> 00:44:37,105
They couldn't have been more game.
1106
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:38,368
Thought it sounded like fun.
1107
00:44:38,475 --> 00:44:40,443
So anyway, here we are.
1108
00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:41,773
They're nice fellas.
1109
00:44:43,714 --> 00:44:45,841
Uh, oh, you're wondering
1110
00:44:45,949 --> 00:44:48,474
how we got to film
at the Softy Freeze?
1111
00:44:48,552 --> 00:44:49,712
This is Roy, the manager.
1112
00:44:49,820 --> 00:44:51,185
He gets to stay and watch.
1113
00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:52,846
He even threw in free snacks.
1114
00:44:52,956 --> 00:44:55,151
We're pretty good filmmakers, huh?
1115
00:44:55,225 --> 00:44:57,455
We had already gotten
a couple of normal scenes,
1116
00:44:57,528 --> 00:44:59,519
and we're about ready
to do our first, uh...
1117
00:44:59,630 --> 00:45:01,029
Sex scene 1, take 1.
1118
00:45:01,131 --> 00:45:02,723
...sex scene.
1119
00:45:02,833 --> 00:45:04,198
If I could have everyone�s attention, please?
1120
00:45:04,301 --> 00:45:05,529
Quiet on the set!
1121
00:45:05,636 --> 00:45:07,536
[Whistle blows]
1122
00:45:07,638 --> 00:45:10,038
One voice, please!
1123
00:45:10,140 --> 00:45:11,971
- Thank you.
- No, I got to go.
1124
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:13,407
We�re about to shoot the porno.
1125
00:45:13,510 --> 00:45:14,568
[Girl on phone]
Cool.
1126
00:45:14,678 --> 00:45:16,407
Thank you.
1127
00:45:16,513 --> 00:45:19,175
We�re almost ready
for our first take.
1128
00:45:19,249 --> 00:45:22,685
I'm going to speak
with my actors now.
1129
00:45:22,753 --> 00:45:23,981
Hello, actors.
1130
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,043
- Hey.
- Hey.
1131
00:45:25,155 --> 00:45:28,522
Charlene, you�re
a Softy Freeze employee.
1132
00:45:28,592 --> 00:45:31,755
All I need from you
is to just be yourself.
1133
00:45:31,862 --> 00:45:34,160
And on this night,
you�re working late.
1134
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:35,664
These guys
are the cleanup crew.
1135
00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:38,167
There�s no one here
but you and them.
1136
00:45:38,235 --> 00:45:39,896
Now, we�re picking up
the scene
1137
00:45:40,003 --> 00:45:41,664
after you�ve seduced them
1138
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:45,197
by bending over
and picking things up off the floor
1139
00:45:45,275 --> 00:45:48,540
in your short little Softy Freeze skirt.
1140
00:45:48,612 --> 00:45:51,376
We�ve established that sex
is going to be had.
1141
00:45:51,448 --> 00:45:54,349
We�re going to lose
the towels and robes,
1142
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:57,410
and on "action", you three guys
1143
00:45:57,521 --> 00:46:00,115
are going to ravage
the hell out of Charlene
1144
00:46:00,224 --> 00:46:01,851
on the Softy Freeze counter.
1145
00:46:01,925 --> 00:46:05,019
As we discussed,
let�s really go to town here.
1146
00:46:05,095 --> 00:46:06,960
It�s a big night for you guys.
1147
00:46:07,064 --> 00:46:08,861
Normally it�s just moppin",
1148
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:11,093
but tonight it�s boffin'.
1149
00:46:11,201 --> 00:46:12,463
Art imitating life here?
1150
00:46:12,569 --> 00:46:13,900
No acting required, all right?
1151
00:46:13,971 --> 00:46:15,233
- Excuse me.
- Thanks.
1152
00:46:15,305 --> 00:46:16,772
Are there any questions?
1153
00:46:16,874 --> 00:46:19,035
Okay, let�s lose
the robe and towels.
1154
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:20,474
Excuse me, Some,
1155
00:46:20,577 --> 00:46:23,876
maybe we should give
them a little privacy.
1156
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:24,971
What?
1157
00:46:25,082 --> 00:46:26,879
Well...
1158
00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:29,043
And, we�re going to
end up seeing it anyway.
1159
00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:30,279
We�re filming it.
1160
00:46:30,387 --> 00:46:32,947
But that... that�s kind of different,
1161
00:46:33,056 --> 00:46:34,216
you know, removed.
1162
00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:36,555
We�re standing here.
It doesn�t seem right.
1163
00:46:36,627 --> 00:46:37,889
I agree with Andy.
1164
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,155
Seems right to me.
Why do this, then?
1165
00:46:39,263 --> 00:46:40,924
How do we make a film
without looking?
1166
00:46:40,998 --> 00:46:43,057
Let�s just do
the best we can, hmm?
1167
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:44,293
Okay.
1168
00:46:44,401 --> 00:46:45,425
Okay.
1169
00:46:45,502 --> 00:46:46,730
Everybody turn around.
1170
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:50,470
So let�s lose
the robe and towels.
1171
00:46:52,342 --> 00:46:53,468
Whoa.
1172
00:46:53,577 --> 00:46:55,067
Are they off?
1173
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:56,305
Action.
1174
00:46:56,413 --> 00:46:58,438
Uh, uh, uh, eh, Some,
1175
00:46:58,515 --> 00:47:00,449
you better have a look at this.
1176
00:47:01,518 --> 00:47:02,951
Oh!
1177
00:47:03,020 --> 00:47:04,920
Cut. Cut.
1178
00:47:07,324 --> 00:47:08,757
Those are your penises?
1179
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:10,453
Mm-hmm.
1180
00:47:11,628 --> 00:47:12,925
Andy, I can�t work with these.
1181
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:14,793
Guys...
1182
00:47:14,865 --> 00:47:17,663
Did all your parents work
in the same nuclear plant or something?
1183
00:47:17,768 --> 00:47:20,293
All right, let�s...
let�s take a break.
1184
00:47:20,370 --> 00:47:22,361
Uh, fellas.
1185
00:47:22,472 --> 00:47:24,531
This is bullshit.
1186
00:47:24,641 --> 00:47:26,131
Oh, I don�t know.
There�s something wrong
1187
00:47:26,210 --> 00:47:28,201
with the black guys"
penises or something.
1188
00:47:28,312 --> 00:47:33,477
This is the "young little white girl
with the big black guys" scene.
1189
00:47:33,550 --> 00:47:38,510
None of you are bouncers.
Two of you aren�t over 5"6".
1190
00:47:38,622 --> 00:47:41,648
What did you think
I meant by "big"?
1191
00:47:41,725 --> 00:47:43,784
[Narrating]
Lesson number 1
1192
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,294
when making a film. �
1193
00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:48,160
no one gets a part
without dropping their pants.
1194
00:47:48,232 --> 00:47:49,859
Ah, you live and you learn.
1195
00:47:49,967 --> 00:47:51,229
This... This was bad.
1196
00:47:51,335 --> 00:47:52,962
We lost Charlene.
1197
00:47:53,036 --> 00:47:54,867
Her family had a vacation
to Florida booked.
1198
00:47:54,972 --> 00:47:56,462
Her grandma's down there.
1199
00:47:56,540 --> 00:47:58,633
All we had was Ellie
from the bed store,
1200
00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,142
and with only one actress,
1201
00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:02,201
it was going to be very hard
1202
00:48:02,312 --> 00:48:04,644
to come up with enough sex
for a full-length film.
1203
00:48:04,715 --> 00:48:06,342
And then there's the guys, you know?
1204
00:48:06,416 --> 00:48:08,384
We had no guys.
1205
00:48:08,485 --> 00:48:10,976
Important meeting. Okay.
1206
00:48:11,054 --> 00:48:12,749
So we definitely didn't want to waste
1207
00:48:12,856 --> 00:48:14,346
the momentum we had going here.
1208
00:48:14,424 --> 00:48:16,324
Brainstorming time.
1209
00:48:16,393 --> 00:48:18,691
Here's what came out of the meeting.
1210
00:48:18,762 --> 00:48:21,697
We decided that we would
each go our own separate ways
1211
00:48:21,765 --> 00:48:25,064
and come back
with actresses for our film.
1212
00:48:25,168 --> 00:48:26,328
Divide and conquer.
1213
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:27,836
It was up to the individual
1214
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,338
to forge his own path
1215
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:33,570
and design a way
we'd emerge victorious.
1216
00:48:33,677 --> 00:48:35,736
Moose had an interesting idea.
1217
00:48:35,846 --> 00:48:38,906
[Moose]
Girls, please.
1218
00:48:39,016 --> 00:48:41,109
Girls.
1219
00:48:42,552 --> 00:48:45,020
I have a very exciting opportunity
1220
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:49,081
that I'm very happy to be able
to offer you today.
1221
00:48:49,192 --> 00:48:51,057
[Andy narrating]
Peggy was in Playboy,
1222
00:48:51,128 --> 00:48:52,720
like, uh, 15 years ago.
1223
00:48:52,796 --> 00:48:54,787
It was just one little picture
1224
00:48:54,898 --> 00:48:56,763
in the "Girls of Figure Skating" issue.
1225
00:48:56,867 --> 00:48:58,858
Peggy wasn't a figure skater,
1226
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:00,927
but, uh, you know,
had a nice figure
1227
00:49:01,038 --> 00:49:02,369
and was in charge
1228
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,270
of the rental skates
at the rink,
1229
00:49:04,374 --> 00:49:06,569
so good enough as far
as Playboy was concerned.
1230
00:49:06,643 --> 00:49:08,235
Uh, the plus side. �
1231
00:49:08,312 --> 00:49:10,940
she worked before
with her clothes off.
1232
00:49:11,048 --> 00:49:13,380
We all agreed
Some should take this time
1233
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:14,940
to rewrite the script.
1234
00:49:15,052 --> 00:49:18,715
Ma! I'm hungry, please!
1235
00:49:21,558 --> 00:49:24,652
Barney had other plans for the day.
1236
00:49:24,761 --> 00:49:26,626
Most of their lives
they've known each other.
1237
00:49:26,730 --> 00:49:28,459
- [Wolf whistle]
- Barn's never stopped trying.
1238
00:49:28,565 --> 00:49:29,725
You are such a jerk.
1239
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,427
You think this outfit
makes me look cheap?
1240
00:49:31,501 --> 00:49:32,934
Don�t you own a mirror?
1241
00:49:33,003 --> 00:49:34,994
- I'm serious.
- Me, too.
1242
00:49:36,073 --> 00:49:37,233
Look, Helen,
1243
00:49:37,307 --> 00:49:38,968
I happen to have
the solution for you.
1244
00:49:39,076 --> 00:49:40,441
Now, this is excellent advice.
1245
00:49:40,510 --> 00:49:42,603
I�ve always kind of dabbled
in PR, and this...
1246
00:49:42,679 --> 00:49:45,614
Barney, you are nothing but
a lousy refrigerator repairman.
1247
00:49:45,682 --> 00:49:48,014
I'm acquainted
with my own profession.
1248
00:49:48,118 --> 00:49:51,781
But just listen to this
campaign I�ve put together
1249
00:49:51,855 --> 00:49:53,482
to improve your image.
1250
00:49:53,590 --> 00:49:56,081
Right now, the way
you present yourself,
1251
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:58,423
you�ve taken away
all the many aspects
1252
00:49:58,495 --> 00:50:00,861
that comprise a human being
as their right of birth,
1253
00:50:00,964 --> 00:50:04,092
and you�ve reduced yourself
to only one aspect:
1254
00:50:04,167 --> 00:50:05,828
Babaloos.
1255
00:50:07,304 --> 00:50:09,795
Now, me? I'm just a guy.
1256
00:50:09,873 --> 00:50:11,807
A poor schnook,
a repairman.
1257
00:50:11,875 --> 00:50:13,672
Yeah, of nothing
but refrigerators.
1258
00:50:13,777 --> 00:50:16,507
[Andy narrating]
Otis had an interesting idea as well.
1259
00:50:16,613 --> 00:50:19,946
We're a stew of quite
a m�lange of flavors,
1260
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:22,349
uh, wouldn't you say?
1261
00:50:22,452 --> 00:50:25,285
"M�lange" means "mixture",
by the way.
1262
00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:27,289
Uh, I should have just said "mixture".
1263
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,791
Getting a little carried away here.
Sorry.
1264
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,953
[Man whistles]
1265
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,222
Hiya.
1266
00:50:36,333 --> 00:50:38,130
Well, hi to you, honey.
1267
00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:40,362
I used to choke
my Chattanooga choo-choo
1268
00:50:40,470 --> 00:50:42,335
to you at least once a day.
1269
00:50:42,406 --> 00:50:43,737
Some days not just twice.
1270
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,206
Oh, a sweet talker, huh?
1271
00:50:46,309 --> 00:50:47,674
You babysitted me.
1272
00:50:47,744 --> 00:50:49,336
You were a friend
of my sister�s.
1273
00:50:49,413 --> 00:50:50,471
You�re Vera Bracey.
1274
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:52,515
You�re little Otis?
1275
00:50:52,582 --> 00:50:53,708
- Oh.
- Yeah.
1276
00:50:53,817 --> 00:50:55,876
You were so cute!
1277
00:51:06,863 --> 00:51:08,330
Oh, hey, Andy.
1278
00:51:09,599 --> 00:51:11,328
What can I do for you?
1279
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:15,838
Oh, uh... aspirin,
I�ll take some of that aspirin.
1280
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:17,168
Okay.
1281
00:51:18,408 --> 00:51:21,104
Here you go.
Got a headache?
1282
00:51:21,211 --> 00:51:23,702
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
1283
00:51:23,780 --> 00:51:26,271
Uh, I knew you sell it here.
1284
00:51:27,551 --> 00:51:29,246
I'm out at home.
1285
00:51:29,352 --> 00:51:30,944
You got something
on your mind?
1286
00:51:31,054 --> 00:51:33,352
My mind? No, no. Why?
1287
00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,254
"Cause most people
don�t stop by the ball field
1288
00:51:35,358 --> 00:51:36,916
to pick up their aspirin.
1289
00:51:38,595 --> 00:51:44,534
Life is about new experiences.
1290
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:46,694
And you got a peach of a pair,
by the way.
1291
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:48,135
I'm not knocking your knockers.
1292
00:51:48,238 --> 00:51:50,069
And I know you�re more
than just babaloos.
1293
00:51:50,140 --> 00:51:53,109
But how do we get
everyone else to know that?
1294
00:51:53,210 --> 00:51:54,472
Here�s how that could happen.
1295
00:51:54,578 --> 00:51:57,206
Here�s how that would happen.
1296
00:52:01,585 --> 00:52:03,246
You start doing me.
1297
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:04,719
Oh...
1298
00:52:04,788 --> 00:52:06,312
This is excellent advice.
1299
00:52:06,423 --> 00:52:07,720
You�d want to see me
1300
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:09,782
bent over the sofa
taking it up the a...
1301
00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:14,931
So, Peggy, a funny thing,
1302
00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:18,161
but, uh, I was, uh,
getting my hair cut
1303
00:52:18,268 --> 00:52:20,327
the other day
at the barber shop.
1304
00:52:20,437 --> 00:52:22,598
I was waiting my turn
1305
00:52:22,672 --> 00:52:23,832
and, uh, browsing
1306
00:52:23,940 --> 00:52:25,931
the magazines
they offer there,
1307
00:52:26,009 --> 00:52:28,341
and, well, they offer
quite a few,
1308
00:52:28,445 --> 00:52:30,413
uh, and they happened
to have Playboy there.
1309
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:33,472
You know, it�s a barber shop.
A lot of men come there,
1310
00:52:33,583 --> 00:52:34,948
so I guess they figure
1311
00:52:35,018 --> 00:52:37,145
that men might like
to glance at the Playboy
1312
00:52:37,254 --> 00:52:38,687
- while waiting to have their hair cut.
- Right.
1313
00:52:38,788 --> 00:52:40,278
And I was reminded
1314
00:52:40,357 --> 00:52:44,157
that, uh, you were once
in Playboy.
1315
00:52:44,261 --> 00:52:47,458
Believe I heard...
heard that somewhere.
1316
00:52:47,531 --> 00:52:50,989
And I was, you know,
just wondering, uh...
1317
00:52:51,101 --> 00:52:53,763
what was that like?
1318
00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:55,327
(music) Don't stop me (music)
1319
00:52:55,438 --> 00:52:56,530
So nice to see you.
1320
00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:57,868
(music) Don't stop me (music)
1321
00:52:57,974 --> 00:52:59,703
About time they got rid
of shaking hands.
1322
00:52:59,809 --> 00:53:00,969
Do you mind?
1323
00:53:01,044 --> 00:53:02,773
Do I mind
if you rub my dick?
1324
00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:03,870
Yeah.
1325
00:53:03,980 --> 00:53:05,311
No, it saves me the trouble.
1326
00:53:05,382 --> 00:53:07,213
I'm trying to think
of the last time
1327
00:53:07,317 --> 00:53:09,114
I was asked a question
that stupid.
1328
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:10,551
Girls, please!
1329
00:53:10,654 --> 00:53:12,315
Look, we won�t mention it again!
1330
00:53:12,389 --> 00:53:13,651
Forget I brought it up!
1331
00:53:13,723 --> 00:53:15,054
- Go away!
- What porno?
1332
00:53:15,158 --> 00:53:17,718
Floyd, could I please
get another cherry soda?
1333
00:53:17,827 --> 00:53:19,727
Then they find out
we are doing it,
1334
00:53:19,829 --> 00:53:21,387
and it changes everything.
1335
00:53:21,498 --> 00:53:24,695
They realize you�re not
some "dime a dozen" bimbo.
1336
00:53:24,801 --> 00:53:27,133
If you were,
you wouldn�t be with me.
1337
00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:30,503
You must be a person of great worth.
1338
00:53:30,574 --> 00:53:33,737
Now, all we got to do
to make this happen is,
1339
00:53:33,843 --> 00:53:37,335
I move in to your place,
1340
00:53:37,414 --> 00:53:39,382
and we start
having sex all the time.
1341
00:53:39,482 --> 00:53:40,642
[Scoffs]
1342
00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:42,480
Constant sex is important.
1343
00:53:42,552 --> 00:53:45,544
Then, who knows?
1344
00:53:49,893 --> 00:53:54,762
It was years before anybody
looked at me the same.
1345
00:53:54,864 --> 00:53:56,764
I think, you know,
they thought
1346
00:53:56,866 --> 00:53:58,527
I was some wild thing
1347
00:53:58,602 --> 00:54:00,729
who loved to
take her clothes off
1348
00:54:00,837 --> 00:54:02,600
instead of just some struggling
1349
00:54:02,706 --> 00:54:05,436
young woman who had been
held up at gunpoint that month
1350
00:54:05,542 --> 00:54:09,000
and couldn�t pay her rent.
1351
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:13,345
Well, luckily, then, that was,
you know, a long time ago,
1352
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:14,940
a distant memory,
and you certainly
1353
00:54:15,051 --> 00:54:17,451
won�t ever have to do
anything like that again.
1354
00:54:20,190 --> 00:54:23,523
You certainly have
a great-looking kid.
1355
00:54:23,593 --> 00:54:26,255
Yeah.
1356
00:54:27,864 --> 00:54:29,729
Okay.
1357
00:54:29,799 --> 00:54:30,959
[Chuckles]
1358
00:54:31,067 --> 00:54:33,934
Andy?
1359
00:54:34,037 --> 00:54:36,870
If you�re looking for a way
to ask me out,
1360
00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:39,306
you don�t have to work
so hard.
1361
00:54:39,409 --> 00:54:41,877
- Oh, no?
- No.
1362
00:54:45,215 --> 00:54:46,773
When?
1363
00:54:46,883 --> 00:54:49,647
[Andy narrating]
Clearly, I lacked the necessary tools
1364
00:54:49,753 --> 00:54:51,744
to be a successful pornographer.
1365
00:54:53,056 --> 00:54:55,820
I'm sorry,
I let you all down.
1366
00:54:55,925 --> 00:54:57,392
No, you didn�t, Andy.
1367
00:54:57,460 --> 00:54:58,620
Well...
1368
00:54:58,728 --> 00:54:59,922
No, you tried
your best, Andy.
1369
00:54:59,996 --> 00:55:01,258
We all did.
1370
00:55:01,331 --> 00:55:03,731
Just a bad day
for all of us.
1371
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,961
An especially bad day
for my hair.
1372
00:55:10,907 --> 00:55:13,068
Fellas, V.
V, fellas.
1373
00:55:13,143 --> 00:55:14,974
She�s ready to porno.
1374
00:55:15,845 --> 00:55:17,574
[All cheering]
1375
00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:18,807
To V!
1376
00:55:18,915 --> 00:55:20,007
V!
1377
00:55:20,116 --> 00:55:21,515
Here�s to V.
1378
00:55:21,618 --> 00:55:25,076
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
1379
00:55:25,789 --> 00:55:28,587
Okay, remember Homer
and the other black guys
1380
00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:30,489
who were supposed to be
in that "big black guys
1381
00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:32,424
with the little white girl "scene?
1382
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:34,429
Well, none of them,
1383
00:55:34,497 --> 00:55:36,522
or Charlene got the other half
of their money,
1384
00:55:36,633 --> 00:55:39,329
because they ended up
not doing the job.
1385
00:55:39,436 --> 00:55:41,768
Well, Homer and his friends have decided
1386
00:55:41,838 --> 00:55:43,601
that they're owed the other half.
1387
00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:45,504
They feel real strongly about it.
1388
00:55:45,608 --> 00:55:47,337
So I get a call from Homer.
1389
00:55:47,444 --> 00:55:50,277
He wants to talk this over
man-to-man here at Meyer's.
1390
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:52,838
We feel we�re owed the money,
1391
00:55:52,949 --> 00:55:55,349
if for nothing else,
because of the way you treated us.
1392
00:55:55,452 --> 00:55:57,386
Things, well...
1393
00:55:57,487 --> 00:55:59,148
they may have gotten
a little out of hand.
1394
00:55:59,222 --> 00:56:02,157
We weren�t as kind
as we should have been,
1395
00:56:02,225 --> 00:56:04,318
and so I apologize.
1396
00:56:04,394 --> 00:56:06,294
I�d be happy to get
the other guys, too, Homer,
1397
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:11,801
but what I don�t think
you realize is...
1398
00:56:11,868 --> 00:56:14,336
we got nothing for the 3,000
we already gave you.
1399
00:56:14,404 --> 00:56:17,635
Now you want us to give you
another three for more nothing,
1400
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:19,402
plus Charlene�s thou?
1401
00:56:19,509 --> 00:56:21,875
You know, that�s a third of our budget
flushed down the toilet.
1402
00:56:21,978 --> 00:56:24,242
Well, that�s not
our problem, is it?
1403
00:56:24,347 --> 00:56:26,747
No. No, that�s our problem,
1404
00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:29,250
and that�s why
we can�t do as you ask.
1405
00:56:29,352 --> 00:56:31,343
You said 2,000 a man.
1406
00:56:31,421 --> 00:56:33,184
Yeah, half for showing up,
1407
00:56:33,256 --> 00:56:37,090
half for doing the job.
1408
00:56:37,193 --> 00:56:39,184
But you didn�t give us
a chance to do the job.
1409
00:56:39,262 --> 00:56:41,594
No, you couldn�t do the job.
1410
00:56:41,698 --> 00:56:44,997
You know, the job was to...
1411
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:49,164
you know, have sex
with Charlene utilizing a...
1412
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:52,003
let�s call it proper porno penis.
1413
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:55,670
And, Homer, I was real clear
with you guys
1414
00:56:55,745 --> 00:56:57,042
when I went over the deal with...
1415
00:56:57,113 --> 00:56:59,445
You just assumed
we had big dicks.
1416
00:56:59,549 --> 00:57:01,073
That�s right.
1417
00:57:01,184 --> 00:57:02,446
Because we�re black.
1418
00:57:02,552 --> 00:57:04,281
What do we know about penis?
1419
00:57:04,387 --> 00:57:07,220
That, coupled with the fact
that you never told us
1420
00:57:07,290 --> 00:57:09,758
you had improper porno penises,
1421
00:57:09,859 --> 00:57:11,554
- when we told what we needed...
- No, no, no.
1422
00:57:11,628 --> 00:57:14,290
What you wanted to do
was to humiliate us.
1423
00:57:14,397 --> 00:57:17,298
We went to all that trouble to humiliate you?
Spent all of that money?
1424
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:20,858
Homer, I'm in big trouble
without that scene.
1425
00:57:20,937 --> 00:57:23,098
I have never in my life had any extra
1426
00:57:23,206 --> 00:57:24,867
to spend on humiliating people.
1427
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:27,307
Are the white guys who do
your movie getting humiliated?
1428
00:57:27,410 --> 00:57:29,139
What does that mean?
1429
00:57:29,245 --> 00:57:30,610
A funny penis is a funny penis,
1430
00:57:30,713 --> 00:57:32,943
regardless of race, creed, or religion.
1431
00:57:33,049 --> 00:57:34,914
Then why did it have
to be black guys?
1432
00:57:34,984 --> 00:57:38,647
It was a "black guys
with a white girl" scene.
1433
00:57:38,755 --> 00:57:41,485
Could I have another
hunk of pie, please?
1434
00:57:41,591 --> 00:57:42,785
You know, this is my first porno.
1435
00:57:42,892 --> 00:57:44,052
I'm not a pornographer,
1436
00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:45,719
I'm just a schnook
looking to score.
1437
00:57:45,795 --> 00:57:47,786
I'm not a president
of the film board who�s decreed
1438
00:57:47,897 --> 00:57:50,092
that every porno's got to have
some tiny little white girl
1439
00:57:50,166 --> 00:57:51,827
experiencing whopping
black baloney.
1440
00:57:51,935 --> 00:57:54,631
But why do I have to make
the omelet with eggs?
1441
00:57:54,737 --> 00:57:57,001
You know, what do we know?
1442
00:57:57,106 --> 00:57:58,835
We�re trying to make a porno.
1443
00:57:58,942 --> 00:58:01,843
You�re trying to turn this
into a black thing.
1444
00:58:01,945 --> 00:58:02,969
Why are you doing that?
1445
00:58:03,079 --> 00:58:04,273
Well, isn�t it?
1446
00:58:04,347 --> 00:58:05,974
Homer, I'm never...
1447
00:58:06,082 --> 00:58:11,019
l... I don�t have time
to be a racist.
1448
00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:14,453
I don�t do, okay? I try.
1449
00:58:14,524 --> 00:58:17,288
And I'm trying to make a porno,
1450
00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,920
because it�s something
I think I might be able to do,
1451
00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:22,464
because it�s killing me
I haven�t done anything.
1452
00:58:22,532 --> 00:58:25,023
You know, people who do,
they have extra time,
1453
00:58:25,134 --> 00:58:26,795
not us trying people.
1454
00:58:26,870 --> 00:58:28,599
We�re busy trying all the time.
1455
00:58:28,671 --> 00:58:30,263
Nothing takes up more time than trying.
1456
00:58:30,340 --> 00:58:33,207
- We wanted to try.
- Yeah, but you couldn�t do!
1457
00:58:33,309 --> 00:58:36,005
Not without porno penis!
1458
00:58:36,112 --> 00:58:38,273
Do you think,
if I could do anything,
1459
00:58:38,348 --> 00:58:41,010
I would pick, "make a porno"?
1460
00:58:41,117 --> 00:58:43,278
I can�t afford the goddamn good ball!
1461
00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:44,615
Look, you hired three black men
1462
00:58:44,687 --> 00:58:47,349
to do a job that you had to have
three black men for.
1463
00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:49,721
But you didn�t pay them in full,
1464
00:58:49,826 --> 00:58:52,386
and you are sitting here
saying to me that it isn�t a black thing.
1465
00:58:52,495 --> 00:58:53,826
Black penis thing!
1466
00:58:53,897 --> 00:58:56,127
Black penis!
Black penis!
1467
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:57,826
Then why does it
have to be three black men?
1468
00:58:57,901 --> 00:59:00,631
Because they are the ones
with the black penises.
1469
00:59:00,703 --> 00:59:01,727
Fuck you.
1470
00:59:01,838 --> 00:59:03,465
Come on.
1471
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:05,531
All right, I admit it.
1472
00:59:05,642 --> 00:59:08,304
We�re prejudiced
against small penises
1473
00:59:28,164 --> 00:59:30,359
[horn honking]
1474
00:59:31,834 --> 00:59:33,768
[Cries]
1475
00:59:38,908 --> 00:59:41,274
I will not do it.
1476
00:59:41,377 --> 00:59:44,244
Give me a sec, would you?
1477
00:59:49,519 --> 00:59:51,043
Helen?
1478
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:53,054
Oh, hey,
how ya doin", Barney?
1479
00:59:53,122 --> 00:59:54,282
You�re crying.
1480
00:59:54,390 --> 00:59:55,550
I am not.
1481
00:59:55,625 --> 00:59:57,354
Yes, you are.
Why are you crying?
1482
00:59:57,427 --> 00:59:59,054
I am not crying.
1483
00:59:59,128 --> 01:00:00,857
Helen, not again.
1484
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:03,524
God. Leave me alone, Barney.
1485
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:08,196
Helen, every week you
find some terrific new guy
1486
01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:10,739
to let crap all over you.
1487
01:00:10,807 --> 01:00:14,436
There�s a lot of guys that
need to take a crap, Helen.
1488
01:00:14,544 --> 01:00:17,980
Why don�t you have a little
more respect for yourself?
1489
01:00:18,081 --> 01:00:20,641
You might as well do our porno.
1490
01:00:20,750 --> 01:00:23,913
We�re paying, and it beats
the choices you�ve been making.
1491
01:00:23,987 --> 01:00:26,114
Yeah, you�d like that,
wouldn�t you?
1492
01:00:26,222 --> 01:00:29,419
What? No.
1493
01:00:29,492 --> 01:00:34,054
I may as well because
I... I need the money.
1494
01:00:36,099 --> 01:00:37,999
Maybe I ought to.
1495
01:00:50,113 --> 01:00:52,479
[Gasping]
1496
01:00:55,151 --> 01:00:57,244
Yes!
1497
01:01:00,423 --> 01:01:02,448
Emmett!
1498
01:01:03,459 --> 01:01:05,359
Emmett!
1499
01:01:05,461 --> 01:01:07,326
Get your camera!
Let�s go!
1500
01:01:07,430 --> 01:01:09,660
I said no.
1501
01:01:13,636 --> 01:01:15,536
[Some]
Come on. Come on. Come on.
1502
01:01:18,474 --> 01:01:20,806
You know, I wish I had
more for you to...
1503
01:01:20,877 --> 01:01:22,310
I don�t care.
1504
01:01:22,378 --> 01:01:25,006
It�s just that
you�re my kid,
1505
01:01:25,114 --> 01:01:27,309
so I care about
all kinds of nutty stuff.
1506
01:01:27,383 --> 01:01:29,112
It�s a pain in the ass.
1507
01:01:29,185 --> 01:01:31,050
[Narrating]
So, I was with Billy,
1508
01:01:31,154 --> 01:01:33,122
and I found out later
what Helen did.
1509
01:01:33,189 --> 01:01:35,453
Ma, you need
anything, holler.
1510
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,288
This being spur of the moment and all,
1511
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,692
Some didn't want to give Hel
a chance to change her mind,
1512
01:01:39,796 --> 01:01:41,559
so he made the executive decision
1513
01:01:41,664 --> 01:01:45,862
to have Hel do the "gal masturbating
with toys" scene.
1514
01:02:00,316 --> 01:02:06,186
(music) There's something
that I want to say (music)
1515
01:02:06,255 --> 01:02:10,385
(music) But words sometimes
get in the way (music)
1516
01:02:10,493 --> 01:02:11,892
(music) I just want to... (music)
1517
01:02:11,994 --> 01:02:13,552
[Andy narrating]
Eventually, we all realized
1518
01:02:13,663 --> 01:02:17,565
that this was going to have to be
a work in progress.
1519
01:02:17,667 --> 01:02:20,568
What we had here was a film concept.
1520
01:02:20,670 --> 01:02:22,661
Here's what it is.
1521
01:02:22,739 --> 01:02:25,173
We're in a small town...
1522
01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,368
Let me get this right, now.
1523
01:02:27,443 --> 01:02:32,244
The film, it's seen through
the eyes of our lead character,
1524
01:02:32,348 --> 01:02:34,509
but we never see our lead character, see?
1525
01:02:34,584 --> 01:02:36,950
This guy who lives in this small town,
1526
01:02:37,053 --> 01:02:41,854
he goes through his day
and he bumps into a lot of sex.
1527
01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:44,222
[Crying]
1528
01:02:45,695 --> 01:02:47,595
Here, the guy stops by
to visit his friend,
1529
01:02:47,697 --> 01:02:49,756
played by Helen.
1530
01:02:49,866 --> 01:02:52,198
He peers through the window,
1531
01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:54,930
and catches her, uh, playing.
1532
01:03:00,877 --> 01:03:02,105
We didn't make this porno
1533
01:03:02,211 --> 01:03:04,145
to turn our friends into porn stars.
1534
01:03:04,247 --> 01:03:06,408
That was never the idea.
I wasn't happy about this.
1535
01:03:06,482 --> 01:03:08,382
Some was under strict instructions
1536
01:03:08,451 --> 01:03:10,544
never to operate alone.
1537
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:13,384
Uh, we needed
that scene, though,
1538
01:03:13,456 --> 01:03:16,789
and, well, now we had it.
1539
01:03:16,893 --> 01:03:20,385
Our porno film had sex in it.
1540
01:03:22,665 --> 01:03:25,634
For almost a day.
1541
01:03:25,735 --> 01:03:27,566
Then when Some told me about it,
1542
01:03:27,637 --> 01:03:28,934
the first thing I did, of course,
1543
01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:30,836
was to call Barney
to see if he knew.
1544
01:03:30,940 --> 01:03:33,841
He told me he did
and that he didn't care,
1545
01:03:33,943 --> 01:03:35,934
Helen's business
is Helen's business.
1546
01:03:36,012 --> 01:03:37,104
[Knocking]
1547
01:03:37,180 --> 01:03:38,579
Yeah.
1548
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:41,507
Hey.
1549
01:03:41,617 --> 01:03:43,676
You all right?
1550
01:03:43,786 --> 01:03:47,916
Yeah. But, uh...
1551
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:52,120
I gotta have
the film of Helen, Andy.
1552
01:03:52,195 --> 01:03:53,753
I'm sorry, I really am.
1553
01:03:53,830 --> 01:03:57,027
I know we need it,
but... I love her.
1554
01:03:57,133 --> 01:04:00,432
So, uh, whatever
you paid her,
1555
01:04:00,503 --> 01:04:02,528
you can take it
out of my end,
1556
01:04:02,638 --> 01:04:05,106
if there is a "my end".
1557
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:07,005
And if I need to owe you,
I�ll owe you.
1558
01:04:21,724 --> 01:04:22,713
Barney.
1559
01:04:34,871 --> 01:04:38,307
Thanks.
I�LL see you tomorrow.
1560
01:04:40,076 --> 01:04:42,704
I was starting to doubt
if we were any good filmmakers.
1561
01:04:42,812 --> 01:04:46,339
We'd spent over half our budget
and had nothing to show for it.
1562
01:04:46,415 --> 01:04:48,906
But, still, I believed in us,
1563
01:04:49,018 --> 01:04:50,918
and I had this feeling
that we could do this.
1564
01:04:51,020 --> 01:04:53,250
It was just time to get angry,
try harder.
1565
01:04:53,356 --> 01:04:55,415
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
1566
01:04:55,524 --> 01:04:57,321
Had to drive this baby home.
1567
01:04:57,393 --> 01:05:00,988
Okay, we wanted to use not only Ellie
from the bed store,
1568
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:04,055
but the bed store itself in the porno.
1569
01:05:04,166 --> 01:05:06,259
We wanted Ellie to do a lesbo scene,
1570
01:05:06,369 --> 01:05:08,030
and we were hoping
that she could supply
1571
01:05:08,104 --> 01:05:09,696
a partner to do it with.
1572
01:05:09,772 --> 01:05:12,002
There was always V,
but we were using her
1573
01:05:12,074 --> 01:05:13,268
for a number of other things.
1574
01:05:13,376 --> 01:05:15,037
Anyway, it was up to me,
1575
01:05:15,111 --> 01:05:17,045
and that's the only way
I'd have it this time.
1576
01:05:17,113 --> 01:05:18,910
This time, I wanted to go in,
1577
01:05:19,015 --> 01:05:21,415
and there was only one way
I was coming out. �
1578
01:05:21,517 --> 01:05:22,541
victorious.
1579
01:05:22,618 --> 01:05:24,051
May I help you?
1580
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:26,213
Oh, I'm Andy Sargentee.
1581
01:05:26,289 --> 01:05:28,120
We haven�t met yet.
1582
01:05:28,224 --> 01:05:29,589
I'm the producer on the film
1583
01:05:29,692 --> 01:05:33,423
that my friend Otis
spoke to you about.
1584
01:05:33,529 --> 01:05:36,293
Oh.
[Giggles]
1585
01:05:36,399 --> 01:05:38,799
I, uh, I just wanted to, uh,
1586
01:05:38,901 --> 01:05:40,926
talk to you about it and...
1587
01:05:41,037 --> 01:05:44,370
[laughs]
1588
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:46,465
It�s really nice to meet you.
I'm Ellie.
1589
01:05:46,575 --> 01:05:48,770
Wow. It�s so great
that you stopped by
1590
01:05:48,878 --> 01:05:50,539
"cause I was gonna call you.
1591
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,706
I had an idea.
1592
01:05:52,782 --> 01:05:57,879
I was wondering
if maybe I could do...
1593
01:05:57,954 --> 01:06:00,889
a... lesbian scene?
1594
01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:02,822
That would be
my preference.
1595
01:06:02,925 --> 01:06:06,122
I think... I think... Yeah.
1596
01:06:06,228 --> 01:06:09,163
[Laughs]
1597
01:06:09,265 --> 01:06:11,733
And, um, I had another thought.
1598
01:06:11,801 --> 01:06:14,565
This place would make
such a great set
1599
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:16,468
for a porno film...
1600
01:06:16,572 --> 01:06:18,062
with all the beds and all.
1601
01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:19,903
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1602
01:06:19,976 --> 01:06:22,240
To be honest, the only reason
I work here is "cause
1603
01:06:22,311 --> 01:06:25,280
I love sex so much. Duh.
1604
01:06:25,348 --> 01:06:27,509
Anyway, the only catch is,
1605
01:06:27,616 --> 01:06:28,844
if you�re interested in using it,
1606
01:06:28,951 --> 01:06:31,943
I spoke to the owner,
she�s recently divorced,
1607
01:06:32,021 --> 01:06:35,081
and she won the store
in her settlement,
1608
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:36,351
and she�s fine with you using it.
1609
01:06:36,459 --> 01:06:38,427
We could shoot it on Sunday.
1610
01:06:38,494 --> 01:06:40,519
The store is closed.
1611
01:06:40,629 --> 01:06:43,154
But... [giggles]
1612
01:06:43,265 --> 01:06:46,632
She... she would have to be
1613
01:06:46,702 --> 01:06:48,533
my partner in that scene.
1614
01:06:48,637 --> 01:06:49,797
[Door opens]
1615
01:06:49,872 --> 01:06:51,339
Hmm.
1616
01:06:51,440 --> 01:06:54,432
Look, there she is now.
1617
01:06:54,510 --> 01:06:59,846
[Whispers]
Oh...
1618
01:06:59,982 --> 01:07:01,540
[Andy narrating]
The highs and lows
1619
01:07:01,650 --> 01:07:03,515
come too close together
in this business.
1620
01:07:03,619 --> 01:07:06,213
I'll bet the lows last longer.
1621
01:07:06,322 --> 01:07:09,485
Her name was Veronica.
1622
01:07:09,558 --> 01:07:11,116
And right now, all I cared about
1623
01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:13,855
was that fantastic,
"nothing beats it" feeling
1624
01:07:13,963 --> 01:07:17,330
you get when something works out.
1625
01:07:20,202 --> 01:07:25,162
Otis, no guts, no glory.
1626
01:07:30,413 --> 01:07:32,904
We shot the scene on Sunday.
1627
01:07:33,015 --> 01:07:34,846
Our lead,
who you never see,
1628
01:07:34,917 --> 01:07:36,384
goes to buy a new bed.
1629
01:07:36,485 --> 01:07:38,476
The sales gal is already
busy with a customer
1630
01:07:38,554 --> 01:07:40,078
when he gets there.
1631
01:07:40,189 --> 01:07:43,989
Ellie plays the sales gal,
Veronica the customer.
1632
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:47,393
Our new favorite thing,
all of ours, lesbians.
1633
01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:49,361
We love lesbians.
1634
01:07:49,432 --> 01:07:50,922
We're having the buttons and t-shirts
1635
01:07:51,033 --> 01:07:52,057
made up right now.
1636
01:07:52,168 --> 01:07:54,329
Ellie and Veronica were great.
1637
01:07:54,403 --> 01:07:56,234
You could've turned on
the camera and gone to lunch.
1638
01:07:56,338 --> 01:07:59,102
They knew how to make
and keep a scene interesting.
1639
01:07:59,208 --> 01:08:01,039
I don't know,
they're naturals or something.
1640
01:08:01,110 --> 01:08:03,408
I mean, they'd just do something...
1641
01:08:03,512 --> 01:08:04,911
I don't know how
they came up with it,
1642
01:08:05,014 --> 01:08:06,447
it's anybody's guess.
1643
01:08:06,549 --> 01:08:08,517
You know, Some would go,
"Yeah, more of that."
1644
01:08:08,584 --> 01:08:09,744
And... [laughs]
1645
01:08:09,852 --> 01:08:11,752
Boy, did we get more of that.
1646
01:08:11,854 --> 01:08:14,618
We love lesbians.
1647
01:08:18,360 --> 01:08:20,851
We were in trouble again.
Highs and lows, remember?
1648
01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:22,261
Ridiculously close together?
1649
01:08:22,364 --> 01:08:24,628
It was time for a scene with V,
1650
01:08:24,733 --> 01:08:27,133
and we had no guys.
1651
01:08:27,236 --> 01:08:31,434
This sucks. God damn it.
This shouldn�t be hard!
1652
01:08:33,142 --> 01:08:35,440
Hey, who wants to get laid?
1653
01:08:35,544 --> 01:08:37,910
Something�s not right
with the world.
1654
01:08:37,980 --> 01:08:40,039
Boy, the stars
are out of place.
1655
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:41,879
You know, that�s why
the weather�s so weird.
1656
01:08:41,951 --> 01:08:43,748
You know, when
I think of all the gals
1657
01:08:43,819 --> 01:08:45,446
who�d happily do this
for me, you know,
1658
01:08:45,554 --> 01:08:47,545
"cause they feel
like they owe me,
1659
01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:49,318
if you catch my drift.
1660
01:08:49,425 --> 01:08:52,121
And in a freaky fluke,
they�re all away in China
1661
01:08:52,228 --> 01:08:55,891
or Africa, you know,
places without phones.
1662
01:08:55,965 --> 01:08:57,592
Ask for guys. Wow.
1663
01:08:57,666 --> 01:08:58,792
Moose, this is serious.
1664
01:08:58,901 --> 01:08:59,993
We don�t have time
for your stuff.
1665
01:09:00,102 --> 01:09:01,228
Okay? Just shut up.
You�re a homo.
1666
01:09:01,303 --> 01:09:04,101
So don�t with
that crap, not now.
1667
01:09:04,173 --> 01:09:07,404
A homo?
1668
01:09:10,579 --> 01:09:12,069
A homo?
1669
01:09:12,148 --> 01:09:14,912
What are you, nuts?
1670
01:09:15,017 --> 01:09:16,450
Me, a homo?
1671
01:09:16,519 --> 01:09:17,918
He's kidding, Moose.
1672
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,955
Well, that�s a laugh.
1673
01:09:20,022 --> 01:09:21,853
You know, boy is that a laugh.
1674
01:09:21,957 --> 01:09:23,822
Yeah, it sure is.
Good one, Otis.
1675
01:09:23,926 --> 01:09:25,985
Stop! Stop!
We don�t have time for this!
1676
01:09:26,095 --> 01:09:29,861
We got to keep our eye on the ball
and drive this home, God damn it.
1677
01:09:29,965 --> 01:09:31,933
You�re a homo. Period. The end. There.
1678
01:09:32,001 --> 01:09:33,491
Now we don�t have to do that anymore.
1679
01:09:33,602 --> 01:09:36,162
- Otis, don�t.
- Look, that�s okay.
1680
01:09:36,272 --> 01:09:37,534
You�re upset, Otis.
I understand that.
1681
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:41,303
Look, I�ll, uh, I�ll call some...
some, uh, ladies I know, you know.
1682
01:09:41,377 --> 01:09:42,639
Some other ones, you know,
1683
01:09:42,711 --> 01:09:47,341
the ones that are not away
or... or sick.
1684
01:09:47,449 --> 01:09:50,316
Thanks.
That would be great.
1685
01:09:54,957 --> 01:09:56,322
Doesn�t change the fact
that you�re a homo.
1686
01:09:56,392 --> 01:09:57,859
I am not gay!
1687
01:09:57,960 --> 01:10:00,326
Then you�re a spy deep undercover.
Only other possibility.
1688
01:10:00,396 --> 01:10:02,990
- Look, I am straight!
- I'm rich and bright.
1689
01:10:03,065 --> 01:10:04,054
Moose, if you don�t know you�re gay,
1690
01:10:04,166 --> 01:10:05,690
allow me to introduce you to yourself.
1691
01:10:05,801 --> 01:10:07,359
Moose, this is you: Ass master.
1692
01:10:07,469 --> 01:10:10,131
Anything else about yourself
you�re oblivious to that I can help you with?
1693
01:10:10,206 --> 01:10:11,696
Your hair is brown.
You wear glasses.
1694
01:10:11,807 --> 01:10:13,206
Why would you think that?
1695
01:10:13,309 --> 01:10:17,643
Do... Do you know
how many women I�ve had?
1696
01:10:17,713 --> 01:10:19,977
If I had money,
all of it would be on none.
1697
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,040
Moose, Moose, Moose, look.
1698
01:10:22,151 --> 01:10:23,709
Beer bottle.
1699
01:10:25,054 --> 01:10:26,646
Red apple.
1700
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:28,155
Guzzler.
1701
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:35,093
Andy, I�ll do the scene with V.
1702
01:10:35,197 --> 01:10:36,858
- No!
- Moose.
1703
01:10:36,932 --> 01:10:39,833
I insist. Look, we need an actor
for tomorrow�s scene.
1704
01:10:39,902 --> 01:10:41,665
It�s nothing I haven�t done before.
1705
01:10:41,737 --> 01:10:44,205
For the good of the film,
I will save the day.
1706
01:10:44,273 --> 01:10:46,605
I won�t take no for an answer, Andy.
1707
01:10:46,709 --> 01:10:47,937
Oh, Otis.
1708
01:10:48,043 --> 01:10:51,035
- Wait...
- Moose.
1709
01:10:51,113 --> 01:10:53,240
[Andy narrating]
We came up for this character for V.
1710
01:10:53,349 --> 01:10:56,785
Uh, she plays this lovable,
bit older member of the community
1711
01:10:56,885 --> 01:10:58,546
who's like everybody's favorite aunt. �
1712
01:10:58,621 --> 01:11:00,418
you know, always feeding you and stuff.
1713
01:11:00,522 --> 01:11:03,252
Uh, only that's just a facade.
1714
01:11:03,359 --> 01:11:06,590
She's really a hot and sexy sexpot,
1715
01:11:06,695 --> 01:11:09,721
and, uh, we call her Aunt V.
1716
01:11:09,798 --> 01:11:10,958
We�re rolling.
1717
01:11:11,066 --> 01:11:13,125
Okay, and action.
1718
01:11:31,086 --> 01:11:33,919
I... did say action, right?
1719
01:11:33,989 --> 01:11:35,115
Yes.
1720
01:11:35,224 --> 01:11:37,454
Okay, good. Just making sure.
1721
01:11:38,661 --> 01:11:40,219
V, how are we doing?
1722
01:11:42,298 --> 01:11:44,425
Nothing�s happening.
1723
01:11:44,500 --> 01:11:46,991
Do you want me to do something?
1724
01:11:47,102 --> 01:11:49,662
Do you want some help, honey?
1725
01:11:49,772 --> 01:11:51,103
No. No.
1726
01:11:51,173 --> 01:11:52,902
Just give me a moment.
1727
01:11:52,975 --> 01:11:54,772
Sure, Moose, sure.
1728
01:11:54,843 --> 01:11:56,902
Look, the cameras are rolling
whenever you�re ready.
1729
01:11:56,979 --> 01:12:01,177
Uh, there�s an acting technique
called substitution.
1730
01:12:01,283 --> 01:12:02,750
Just mentioning.
1731
01:12:05,454 --> 01:12:07,285
[Whispering]
Emmett.
1732
01:12:08,590 --> 01:12:12,185
You�re the cameraman,
so you have to take a look.
1733
01:12:12,294 --> 01:12:14,125
Moose, V,
1734
01:12:14,196 --> 01:12:15,788
Emmett�s the cameraman.
1735
01:12:15,864 --> 01:12:18,628
He's just going to take a quick look, okay?
1736
01:12:19,702 --> 01:12:21,431
Come on. Gee...
1737
01:12:28,977 --> 01:12:33,380
He's... He's not just making slow,
passionate, quiet love, by any chance?
1738
01:12:33,482 --> 01:12:35,040
Oh, no. No.
1739
01:12:39,221 --> 01:12:42,349
This definitely
isn�t a action porno.
1740
01:12:42,458 --> 01:12:45,120
Let�s just leave him alone
in there for a few minutes.
1741
01:12:45,194 --> 01:12:46,991
That�s probably
what Liberace�s dad said:
1742
01:12:47,062 --> 01:12:50,463
"Leave him alone with a naked
porno babe for a few minutes."
1743
01:12:51,900 --> 01:12:53,299
Guys.
1744
01:12:57,239 --> 01:12:59,673
I have something I have to tell you.
1745
01:13:03,712 --> 01:13:06,180
I'm gay.
1746
01:13:06,248 --> 01:13:10,241
Oh, we don�t care at all,
you know, Moose?
1747
01:13:10,352 --> 01:13:11,979
Yeah, Moose, whatever you like.
1748
01:13:12,054 --> 01:13:13,544
I was the one who told you.
1749
01:13:13,655 --> 01:13:15,179
The hell with gay.
You�re terribly forgetful.
1750
01:13:15,257 --> 01:13:17,384
But it makes me different
from the rest of you.
1751
01:13:17,493 --> 01:13:19,552
You know,
you�re all heterosexuals.
1752
01:13:19,661 --> 01:13:20,889
Yeah, but...
1753
01:13:20,996 --> 01:13:22,190
horrible ones.
1754
01:13:22,264 --> 01:13:23,731
Yeah. We�re not any good at it.
1755
01:13:23,832 --> 01:13:27,199
I'm glad you�re gay.
If by some miracle I get a gal,
1756
01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:30,261
you�re one guy I won�t have to worry
about stealing her.
1757
01:13:30,372 --> 01:13:32,567
Will we still watch games together?
1758
01:13:32,674 --> 01:13:34,505
Now we�ll get
to watch games together.
1759
01:13:34,576 --> 01:13:37,773
You won�t be saying
clich� male shit all the time.
1760
01:13:40,783 --> 01:13:43,616
- It�s gonna be great.
- But now I'm the gay guy.
1761
01:13:43,719 --> 01:13:45,448
You were always the gay guy,
Moose,
1762
01:13:45,554 --> 01:13:48,387
just like I'm the good-Looking
guy, huh?
1763
01:13:48,457 --> 01:13:52,291
Look, none of us are prizes.
Gay doesn�t even rank.
1764
01:13:52,394 --> 01:13:54,624
Yeah, gay�s a good day for us.
1765
01:13:54,730 --> 01:13:56,721
So I'm still part of the gang?
1766
01:13:56,799 --> 01:13:58,926
Part of the gang?
1767
01:13:59,034 --> 01:14:01,093
Moose, you�re our friend. We...
1768
01:14:02,304 --> 01:14:04,932
We cherish you, buddy.
1769
01:14:06,141 --> 01:14:07,267
Moose.
1770
01:14:07,376 --> 01:14:08,400
So...
1771
01:14:11,713 --> 01:14:14,580
Of course
we�re not very discriminating.
1772
01:14:14,650 --> 01:14:16,618
Idiots, screw-ups, homos.
1773
01:14:16,718 --> 01:14:17,742
[Moose laughs]
1774
01:14:17,820 --> 01:14:20,380
We�ll be friends with anybody.
1775
01:14:20,456 --> 01:14:21,718
God.
1776
01:14:21,790 --> 01:14:24,418
[Andy narrating]
However, we had no guys for our porno.
1777
01:14:24,493 --> 01:14:27,462
We were sex-deficient
and fresh out of ideas.
1778
01:14:27,563 --> 01:14:29,929
- Guys.
- Guys.
1779
01:14:29,998 --> 01:14:31,727
We know you�re in a jam.
1780
01:14:31,800 --> 01:14:33,324
Ron and me, we want to help.
1781
01:14:33,435 --> 01:14:36,302
Yeah, Moe and me want to help.
We�ll do the scene for you.
1782
01:14:36,405 --> 01:14:38,134
[Both]
We�ve double-teamed lots of gals.
1783
01:14:38,240 --> 01:14:39,332
Double-teamed?
1784
01:14:39,441 --> 01:14:42,808
Moe-Ron, you double-team
lots of gals, do you?
1785
01:14:42,911 --> 01:14:45,175
Yeah. We like to
all the time, actually.
1786
01:14:45,280 --> 01:14:47,612
Yeah, we�ll do the Aunt V scene.
No problem.
1787
01:14:50,252 --> 01:14:52,948
Would you boys like some pie?
1788
01:15:10,772 --> 01:15:12,205
Ha ha ha!
1789
01:15:12,307 --> 01:15:13,774
Ha ha ha!
1790
01:15:13,842 --> 01:15:15,673
[Glass breaks]
1791
01:15:15,777 --> 01:15:17,938
Ha ha! I love it, I love it!
1792
01:15:18,013 --> 01:15:19,640
[Moe]
Put them in place!
1793
01:15:19,715 --> 01:15:21,615
- [V laughs]
- Oh!
1794
01:15:21,683 --> 01:15:22,877
[V] Come back here.
1795
01:15:22,985 --> 01:15:24,384
[Excited chattering]
1796
01:15:33,161 --> 01:15:35,061
[Moe]
I say Moe, you say Ron.
1797
01:15:35,163 --> 01:15:36,460
[V] Moe! Ron!
1798
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:37,556
- Moe!
- [V] Ron!
1799
01:15:37,666 --> 01:15:39,190
- Moe!
- Ron!
1800
01:15:39,301 --> 01:15:41,701
[V screams]
1801
01:15:41,803 --> 01:15:43,134
It�s a wrap!
1802
01:15:43,205 --> 01:15:45,332
[Cheering]
1803
01:15:52,748 --> 01:15:55,376
We got it all. It was amazing.
1804
01:15:55,484 --> 01:15:57,213
Where did you get
those weenies?
1805
01:15:57,319 --> 01:15:59,810
Our film has a great lesbo scene.
1806
01:15:59,888 --> 01:16:03,324
We do not have a "white girl
with black guys" scene.
1807
01:16:03,392 --> 01:16:06,156
We gave up our
"gal going to town with toys" scene.
1808
01:16:06,228 --> 01:16:08,822
Uh, but, thanks to good old Moe-Ron,
1809
01:16:08,897 --> 01:16:10,057
we got our gal
1810
01:16:10,165 --> 01:16:11,325
piccolo-playing two guys,
1811
01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:13,891
and we got our, uh, anal.
1812
01:16:14,002 --> 01:16:16,562
That's what Aunt V calls it.
Nice lady.
1813
01:16:16,672 --> 01:16:20,438
So what have we got?
We got a porno.
1814
01:16:20,542 --> 01:16:22,009
We were out of money.
1815
01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:24,443
If we needed more,
we weren't going to get it,
1816
01:16:24,546 --> 01:16:25,706
so we began editing.
1817
01:16:25,781 --> 01:16:27,009
There you go.
1818
01:16:27,082 --> 01:16:29,346
We even had the premiere planned.
1819
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:30,680
Yeah.
1820
01:16:31,687 --> 01:16:33,848
Hi, Andy.
1821
01:16:33,922 --> 01:16:35,048
Oh, hey, Hel.
1822
01:16:35,123 --> 01:16:37,182
Emmett, Some Idiot.
1823
01:16:37,259 --> 01:16:38,556
Some's asleep.
1824
01:16:38,627 --> 01:16:41,255
Oh. Well, what do I know?
I'm just a porn actress.
1825
01:16:41,363 --> 01:16:43,126
Um, I saw the light on.
1826
01:16:43,231 --> 01:16:45,426
Yeah, yeah, sure.
1827
01:16:45,534 --> 01:16:48,230
Uh, I got the, uh...
1828
01:16:48,303 --> 01:16:51,568
invitation to the, uh, premiere.
1829
01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:52,698
Thanks.
1830
01:16:52,774 --> 01:16:56,972
But, uh, look, I hope you get
from this thing what you want,
1831
01:16:57,079 --> 01:16:58,307
and for everybody,
1832
01:16:58,413 --> 01:16:59,744
but I, uh, l...
1833
01:16:59,815 --> 01:17:01,146
You�re not in the film.
1834
01:17:01,249 --> 01:17:03,240
You know, me and Emmett and Some did...
1835
01:17:03,318 --> 01:17:06,048
Yeah, I know, and Barney,
he came and got it...
1836
01:17:06,121 --> 01:17:08,248
you know, the footage.
1837
01:17:08,323 --> 01:17:10,291
What do you mean?
1838
01:17:10,392 --> 01:17:12,622
Well, Barney, uh...
1839
01:17:12,728 --> 01:17:15,788
he wouldn�t let you
be in the porno, Hel.
1840
01:17:15,897 --> 01:17:19,492
You know, we gave him
the, uh, the print. All of it.
1841
01:17:19,601 --> 01:17:20,966
There are no other copies,
1842
01:17:21,069 --> 01:17:23,435
and, yeah, Some
and Emmett were there,
1843
01:17:23,505 --> 01:17:25,996
but otherwise no one�s seen it.
1844
01:17:26,108 --> 01:17:28,338
Oh. Right. Right.
1845
01:17:28,443 --> 01:17:30,468
You�re telling me Barney�s
not having a look at it?
1846
01:17:30,579 --> 01:17:31,739
He burned it.
1847
01:17:31,813 --> 01:17:33,508
As soon as we gave it to him,
1848
01:17:33,615 --> 01:17:36,083
he... he put it in the fireplace.
1849
01:17:36,151 --> 01:17:38,619
Hel, I know Barney ain�t no poet,
1850
01:17:38,687 --> 01:17:42,316
but... you can�t possibly not know.
1851
01:17:42,424 --> 01:17:45,416
I mean, uh, you know,
if the guy drank poison,
1852
01:17:45,494 --> 01:17:46,756
it couldn�t be more obvious.
1853
01:17:46,828 --> 01:17:49,262
He's in love with you.
1854
01:17:49,331 --> 01:17:52,300
Come on, He's sick in love with you,
1855
01:17:52,367 --> 01:17:55,666
from the first day he saw you
right up to now.
1856
01:18:04,946 --> 01:18:07,141
(music)(music) [pop]
1857
01:18:08,850 --> 01:18:12,616
Oh! Aunt V, look at you!
1858
01:18:12,688 --> 01:18:15,213
We had a really good turnout.
1859
01:18:15,323 --> 01:18:18,224
Uh, Barney had to miss the premiere.
1860
01:18:18,326 --> 01:18:20,226
I'll tell you why later...
1861
01:18:20,328 --> 01:18:21,556
or show you.
1862
01:18:21,663 --> 01:18:24,689
The stars. So, look at you girls.
1863
01:18:24,800 --> 01:18:27,462
Lovely. Hope you enjoy your scene.
1864
01:18:27,536 --> 01:18:29,834
- Hey.
- Ah.
1865
01:18:29,905 --> 01:18:32,305
Thanks, Andy. Thanks.
1866
01:18:32,374 --> 01:18:34,865
Oh, my pleasure.
I didn�t know if you wanted to come.
1867
01:18:34,976 --> 01:18:37,843
I was going to, uh, call you...
1868
01:18:37,913 --> 01:18:39,813
No, no, no. I don�t mean
for the invitation.
1869
01:18:39,881 --> 01:18:41,644
I mean, um, that day...
1870
01:18:41,717 --> 01:18:45,585
the day that you came
to the ball field for your aspirin,
1871
01:18:45,687 --> 01:18:49,487
you were going to ask me
to be in your film, weren�t you?
1872
01:18:49,558 --> 01:18:52,391
Yeah, I think I was. Yeah.
1873
01:18:52,494 --> 01:18:55,691
Well, you�re a nice man, Andy.
1874
01:19:04,172 --> 01:19:05,764
[Cheering]
1875
01:19:10,712 --> 01:19:12,703
Thank you. Thank you.
1876
01:19:12,781 --> 01:19:15,716
Thank you very, very much
for coming.
1877
01:19:15,784 --> 01:19:18,878
Uh, I don�t know what to say. Uh...
1878
01:19:18,954 --> 01:19:21,081
Well, we really couldn�t
have done it without you.
1879
01:19:21,189 --> 01:19:22,679
We couldn�t have done it without you!
1880
01:19:22,758 --> 01:19:23,782
That�s right, Andy!
1881
01:19:25,761 --> 01:19:29,026
Uh, I'm a man of few words,
1882
01:19:29,097 --> 01:19:32,089
and it�s not me
you�re here to see a lot of,
1883
01:19:32,200 --> 01:19:34,566
so roll "em!
1884
01:19:37,072 --> 01:19:39,700
[Narrating]
Remember Ernest G. Pike,
1885
01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:40,867
Charlene's brother?
1886
01:19:42,744 --> 01:19:44,541
As promised.
1887
01:19:49,417 --> 01:19:51,112
The film came out okay.
1888
01:19:51,219 --> 01:19:54,620
These are friends, but everybody,
you know, seemed to enjoy it.
1889
01:19:59,294 --> 01:20:01,159
What's Ern's first stop?
1890
01:20:01,263 --> 01:20:03,493
Floyd's, which is reasonable.
1891
01:20:03,598 --> 01:20:06,931
It's the closest bar.
It's where he'd find people he knew.
1892
01:20:07,002 --> 01:20:09,937
Even his sister might be found here.
1893
01:20:10,005 --> 01:20:12,098
Speaking of Ern's sister,
1894
01:20:12,174 --> 01:20:14,665
it turns out we were able
to use some of Charlene's stuff
1895
01:20:14,776 --> 01:20:16,266
as sort of the tease
1896
01:20:16,344 --> 01:20:18,744
Hey, the hat was my idea!
1897
01:20:18,814 --> 01:20:21,180
We used her getting the guys
all interested.
1898
01:20:21,283 --> 01:20:23,945
You know, they're, uh,
just about to have sex,
1899
01:20:24,019 --> 01:20:25,850
and then we cut away, you know,
1900
01:20:25,954 --> 01:20:27,819
don't give you the sex,
1901
01:20:27,923 --> 01:20:29,788
drive you a little crazy, you see,
1902
01:20:29,858 --> 01:20:32,088
and then, uh, and then in other scenes,
1903
01:20:32,160 --> 01:20:34,185
you get it all, uh, you know,
1904
01:20:34,296 --> 01:20:37,094
but you're never sure
you're going to get it, see?
1905
01:20:37,165 --> 01:20:40,328
Uh, tension, you know, worked pretty good.
1906
01:20:40,435 --> 01:20:45,338
As you see, peering plays
a very big role in all my films.
1907
01:20:45,440 --> 01:20:46,634
Shit!
1908
01:20:46,708 --> 01:20:47,868
[Door opens]
1909
01:20:47,976 --> 01:20:50,672
I can't remember if Ernest
has always had impeccable timing.
1910
01:20:50,779 --> 01:20:51,803
Where the hell...
1911
01:20:51,880 --> 01:20:54,144
He did indeed find his sister here.
1912
01:20:54,216 --> 01:20:58,152
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
1913
01:21:10,232 --> 01:21:12,632
Ernest! Ern, it�s me... Moose.
1914
01:21:13,802 --> 01:21:15,861
Ern! Wait, don�t take it out on me!
1915
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:18,999
Listen, Ern... Uhh!
1916
01:21:19,074 --> 01:21:20,405
Stop!
1917
01:21:20,508 --> 01:21:22,305
Oh, no! Oh, no!
1918
01:21:33,488 --> 01:21:35,183
- [Gunshot]
- Aah!
1919
01:21:35,257 --> 01:21:38,693
[Crowd screaming]
1920
01:22:01,383 --> 01:22:02,748
[Gasp]
1921
01:22:08,623 --> 01:22:12,525
The police came
and apprehended Ernest.
1922
01:22:12,594 --> 01:22:17,395
We had shot our porno
on reversal stock, no negative,
1923
01:22:17,465 --> 01:22:20,434
so there was only one copy...
you know, print.
1924
01:22:20,535 --> 01:22:23,698
It was destroyed, every frame.
1925
01:22:25,774 --> 01:22:28,299
Some Idiot lost his arm.
1926
01:22:28,410 --> 01:22:31,402
Some, Some, Some, Some, Some,
1927
01:22:31,479 --> 01:22:34,607
You are some idiot, Some Idiot.
1928
01:22:34,716 --> 01:22:36,445
I'm so sorry, Some.
1929
01:22:36,551 --> 01:22:38,985
Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
1930
01:22:39,087 --> 01:22:40,884
Your arm.
1931
01:22:41,957 --> 01:22:43,424
Your arm.
1932
01:22:45,427 --> 01:22:48,590
I wanted you to get something,
not lose anything.
1933
01:22:48,663 --> 01:22:49,652
It�s...
1934
01:22:49,764 --> 01:22:50,753
I'm sorry.
1935
01:22:50,832 --> 01:22:52,265
Andy, it�s okay.
1936
01:22:54,669 --> 01:22:57,069
How are you feeling, huh?
1937
01:22:57,138 --> 01:22:58,969
It was fun.
1938
01:23:00,475 --> 01:23:04,309
Thanks for letting me be
the writer/director.
1939
01:23:04,412 --> 01:23:06,004
Nobody else would have.
1940
01:23:06,114 --> 01:23:08,139
You did a really good job.
1941
01:23:08,249 --> 01:23:09,580
I did, right?
1942
01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,415
You were great.
You�re a writer/director now.
1943
01:23:12,487 --> 01:23:14,512
First class, huh?
1944
01:23:14,622 --> 01:23:17,648
And you can�t become
a first class writer/director
1945
01:23:17,759 --> 01:23:19,488
without a little sacrifice.
1946
01:23:21,129 --> 01:23:24,030
Hey, it�s not the one,
uh, that you...
1947
01:23:24,132 --> 01:23:26,498
No. I still got that one.
1948
01:23:26,601 --> 01:23:28,796
- Well, thank God. Whew.
- Oh, yeah.
1949
01:23:30,038 --> 01:23:31,198
Okay, then.
1950
01:23:34,175 --> 01:23:36,040
Once I took a road trip.
1951
01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:39,944
Uh, my destination was Vermont.
Well, I ended up in Florida...
1952
01:23:40,015 --> 01:23:44,850
a couple of wrong or right turns,
depending how you look at it.
1953
01:23:44,953 --> 01:23:47,854
Whoa. Whoa.
1954
01:23:52,494 --> 01:23:53,825
Here's where you get.
1955
01:23:53,895 --> 01:23:56,625
You failed enough.
Time not to fail.
1956
01:23:56,698 --> 01:23:58,893
I'm talking about something so much more
1957
01:23:59,000 --> 01:24:01,195
than determination
or positive thinking here.
1958
01:24:01,302 --> 01:24:03,862
Failure really just won't do,
1959
01:24:03,972 --> 01:24:05,872
so you see to it that you don't.
1960
01:24:05,974 --> 01:24:07,305
It's possible, swear,
1961
01:24:07,375 --> 01:24:10,742
but you've got to get there,
and it's a miserable trip,
1962
01:24:10,845 --> 01:24:12,904
but no matter how it's supposed to go,
1963
01:24:13,014 --> 01:24:16,677
what the rules were yesterday,
what everyone thinks... thinks they know,
1964
01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:18,184
you know, none of that matters.
1965
01:24:18,253 --> 01:24:21,381
You have a job to do.
Today you do it.
1966
01:24:29,898 --> 01:24:31,729
Andy.
1967
01:24:36,204 --> 01:24:39,332
You... You were always filming
1968
01:24:39,407 --> 01:24:42,035
with th-those... those little...
those little tapes
1969
01:24:42,110 --> 01:24:44,010
that you gave to Barney, right?
1970
01:24:44,079 --> 01:24:45,876
That he burned up
with the footage of Helen.
1971
01:24:45,947 --> 01:24:47,938
Yeah, the... the Mini DV tapes.
1972
01:24:48,049 --> 01:24:49,414
Yeah, I get them for,
like, 50 cents apiece,
1973
01:24:49,517 --> 01:24:51,712
so I just shot video nonstop.
1974
01:24:51,786 --> 01:24:53,583
I was going to give you
the tapes when we...
1975
01:24:53,688 --> 01:24:55,212
So you have all that stuff?
1976
01:24:55,290 --> 01:24:58,726
Yeah, all the way back to when you
hit everybody up for money.
1977
01:24:58,793 --> 01:25:02,729
You... You were always filming.
You have everything, then.
1978
01:25:02,797 --> 01:25:04,458
Yeah. On video, yeah.
1979
01:25:04,566 --> 01:25:07,865
I have all the tapes
and everything from the set.
1980
01:25:07,936 --> 01:25:11,064
So... So we can put together a new film.
1981
01:25:11,139 --> 01:25:12,629
On video, yeah.
1982
01:25:12,740 --> 01:25:15,470
And we could edit it on my Mac,
but it�d just be another...
1983
01:25:15,577 --> 01:25:16,635
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1984
01:25:16,744 --> 01:25:18,371
Didn�t you tell me
one time something
1985
01:25:18,446 --> 01:25:22,109
about being able to, you know,
turn videos into film or something?
1986
01:25:22,217 --> 01:25:23,616
A transfer, yeah, yeah.
1987
01:25:23,718 --> 01:25:25,913
But, I mean, that would cost,
like, 50 grand
1988
01:25:25,987 --> 01:25:28,217
to bump all this up to 35 mm.
1989
01:25:28,289 --> 01:25:29,381
16 might be less.
1990
01:25:29,457 --> 01:25:30,822
All right, all right, all right.
1991
01:25:30,925 --> 01:25:34,258
Regular movies are 35.
It costs 50 grand.
1992
01:25:34,329 --> 01:25:36,923
Are you with me
for one last thing?
1993
01:25:36,998 --> 01:25:39,057
Yes.
1994
01:25:39,134 --> 01:25:42,160
Start editing. Hmm?
1995
01:25:42,270 --> 01:25:43,965
Any sex, take it out.
1996
01:25:44,072 --> 01:25:46,063
Any nudity, take it out.
1997
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:47,733
You can leave in the butts,
1998
01:25:47,809 --> 01:25:50,573
but I don�t want to see
a hint of nipple.
1999
01:25:50,645 --> 01:25:51,839
- Do you understand me?
- Yeah.
2000
01:25:53,648 --> 01:25:57,243
I asked Howard for the 50 grand,
and he gave it to me.
2001
01:25:57,318 --> 01:25:58,444
Good guy.
2002
01:25:58,520 --> 01:26:00,750
[Beach Boys]
(music) Round, round, get around (music)
2003
01:26:00,822 --> 01:26:03,154
(music) I get around,
yeah, get around (music)
2004
01:26:03,258 --> 01:26:04,316
[Narrating]
And at that moment,
2005
01:26:04,425 --> 01:26:05,858
I took the word "porno" away
2006
01:26:05,960 --> 01:26:07,018
from the front of our film
2007
01:26:07,128 --> 01:26:09,688
and was left with just a film,
2008
01:26:09,797 --> 01:26:14,632
a movie with all the stuff...
love, friendship, violence, real life.
2009
01:26:17,038 --> 01:26:19,006
Real life. Hey, it beats porno.
2010
01:26:19,107 --> 01:26:21,837
There'd be no contest
if real life had more sex in it.
2011
01:26:24,012 --> 01:26:26,776
Anyway, Emmett and I,
we edited our new movie
2012
01:26:26,848 --> 01:26:28,679
in his apartment
in the back of the video store,
2013
01:26:28,783 --> 01:26:30,774
put in all kinds of new stuff.
2014
01:26:30,852 --> 01:26:34,618
He'd been taping the town
and all of us for a long time.
2015
01:26:34,689 --> 01:26:37,522
So then we had it transferred to 35 mm,
2016
01:26:37,625 --> 01:26:42,119
put in just the right amount of, uh,
what's called, uh, voiceover...
2017
01:26:42,197 --> 01:26:43,630
you know, me talking.
2018
01:26:43,698 --> 01:26:46,565
You know, I bet you anything
you look through history,
2019
01:26:46,668 --> 01:26:50,331
the best stuff didn't come from guys
knowing what they were doing.
2020
01:26:50,405 --> 01:26:52,896
It came from guys who really tried hard
2021
01:26:53,007 --> 01:26:55,032
and cared like hell.
2022
01:26:55,143 --> 01:26:56,906
(music) Ooh (music)
2023
01:26:57,011 --> 01:26:59,912
(music) Wa-wa-ooh (music)
2024
01:27:00,014 --> 01:27:01,072
(music) Wa-wa-ooh (music)
2025
01:27:01,182 --> 01:27:04,811
So then we had a movie
with a great title...
2026
01:27:04,886 --> 01:27:07,320
and more than one print.
2027
01:27:09,190 --> 01:27:12,591
Okay, and we jump ahead now
six months or so.
2028
01:27:12,694 --> 01:27:15,390
Here I am walking down the street.
2029
01:27:15,496 --> 01:27:19,523
So then Emmett knew
about these, uh, film carnivals.
2030
01:27:19,601 --> 01:27:22,161
They're kind of like, you know,
movie Mardi Gras,
2031
01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:25,695
uh, only not quite as many women
will show you their babaloos.
2032
01:27:25,773 --> 01:27:26,831
[Doorbell buzzes]
2033
01:27:26,908 --> 01:27:29,172
Anyway, our movie won one.
2034
01:27:32,947 --> 01:27:34,676
Ha ha ha ha!
2035
01:27:37,018 --> 01:27:38,849
They tell me a big one.
2036
01:27:39,887 --> 01:27:41,787
[Applause]
2037
01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:46,223
We made this movie
with the help of friends.
2038
01:27:46,294 --> 01:27:48,854
It�s, uh, it�s really all it took...
2039
01:27:48,930 --> 01:27:51,398
uh...
2040
01:27:51,466 --> 01:27:52,455
and an arm.
2041
01:27:52,567 --> 01:27:54,034
[Audience laughs]
2042
01:27:54,102 --> 01:27:58,129
Uh, we learned two things,
and I mean learned:
2043
01:27:58,239 --> 01:28:01,470
Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
2044
01:28:01,576 --> 01:28:04,204
and no guts, no glory.
2045
01:28:04,279 --> 01:28:06,941
Uh, you know, I mean,
don�t be an idiot about it,
2046
01:28:07,048 --> 01:28:08,140
but, uh, yeah.
2047
01:28:08,249 --> 01:28:10,080
Happy to pass that on to you.
2048
01:28:10,151 --> 01:28:11,880
[Applause, cheering]
2049
01:28:13,588 --> 01:28:15,453
One of the reasons
people go to these carnivals
2050
01:28:15,556 --> 01:28:17,285
is to buy movies.
2051
01:28:17,392 --> 01:28:20,657
Our movie got bought for $2.4 million.
2052
01:28:20,762 --> 01:28:24,095
I'm told that's a very good price.
2053
01:28:24,165 --> 01:28:25,462
Who the hell are you, Santa Claus?
2054
01:28:25,566 --> 01:28:28,433
What, all fat white guys are Santa Claus?
2055
01:28:28,503 --> 01:28:30,403
Thanks.
2056
01:28:31,673 --> 01:28:33,903
(music) For purple mountains" majesty (music)
2057
01:28:33,975 --> 01:28:37,069
When we got back
from the film carnival with the 2.4 mil,
2058
01:28:37,145 --> 01:28:38,476
yeah, there was a party.
2059
01:28:38,579 --> 01:28:39,841
Everybody was really happy.
2060
01:28:39,947 --> 01:28:41,812
(music) America, America (music)
2061
01:28:41,916 --> 01:28:43,406
The movie opened this weekend
2062
01:28:43,484 --> 01:28:45,475
in what they call a limited release,
2063
01:28:45,586 --> 01:28:48,020
but this guy from the studio said
2064
01:28:48,122 --> 01:28:51,990
it had a very high, uh,
per-screen average or something.
2065
01:28:52,093 --> 01:28:56,029
The genius part is... heh...
we still have a piece...
2066
01:28:56,130 --> 01:28:59,258
a piece at the back end, a big piece.
2067
01:29:01,169 --> 01:29:02,466
I did good.
2068
01:29:02,537 --> 01:29:03,526
[Horn honks]
2069
01:29:03,638 --> 01:29:05,162
Thanks for the car, man!
2070
01:29:05,273 --> 01:29:06,535
[Honking]
2071
01:29:06,641 --> 01:29:07,767
Thank you!
2072
01:29:10,044 --> 01:29:11,375
Oh. Here.
[Chuckles]
2073
01:29:11,479 --> 01:29:13,106
This you've really got to see.
2074
01:29:13,181 --> 01:29:15,342
Otis stuck with porno.
2075
01:29:15,450 --> 01:29:18,044
He's also the most
obviously happy person
2076
01:29:18,152 --> 01:29:19,949
you've ever met in your life.
2077
01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:21,147
[Ron]
Andy!
2078
01:29:21,222 --> 01:29:22,519
[Shouting indistinctly]
2079
01:29:23,658 --> 01:29:26,957
When I found out Emmett had been living
right on Main Street all that time
2080
01:29:27,028 --> 01:29:30,156
without any of us knowing him,
it really broke my heart.
2081
01:29:30,231 --> 01:29:34,190
It was time he take his proper
place in the community.
2082
01:29:34,302 --> 01:29:37,669
Oh, yeah. I, uh, promised
to tell or show you
2083
01:29:37,739 --> 01:29:39,832
why Barney wasn't at the premiere.
2084
01:29:39,907 --> 01:29:43,399
He and Helen were out of town.
They eloped. Nice, huh?
2085
01:29:43,511 --> 01:29:45,376
Yeah, I wanted to save it for the end,
2086
01:29:45,480 --> 01:29:49,211
just in case one or two of you
didn't figure it out.
2087
01:29:49,317 --> 01:29:52,684
Moose is also very happy these days.
2088
01:29:52,754 --> 01:29:54,585
I�ve been having so much fun.
2089
01:29:54,689 --> 01:29:58,887
Okay, let's see.
What else do you need to know?
2090
01:29:58,993 --> 01:30:03,430
Uh, Some is an up-and-coming
writer director in Hollywood.
2091
01:30:03,531 --> 01:30:05,055
Everyone knows who he is.
2092
01:30:05,166 --> 01:30:08,499
He's the writer director
with one arm.
2093
01:30:11,105 --> 01:30:12,197
[Answering machine beeps]
2094
01:30:12,273 --> 01:30:13,604
Hi, honey. It's Peggy.
2095
01:30:13,708 --> 01:30:15,335
I'm looking for a producer.
2096
01:30:15,410 --> 01:30:17,742
I'm hoping you can
produce me a foot massage.
2097
01:30:17,845 --> 01:30:19,836
Uh, I'm leaving the ball field.
Do you need anything?
2098
01:30:19,914 --> 01:30:22,883
Peanuts, hot dog,
some aspirin?
2099
01:30:22,950 --> 01:30:25,043
I love you, honey.
I'll see you soon.
2100
01:30:25,119 --> 01:30:26,416
[Narrating]
I just got back from L.A.
2101
01:30:26,521 --> 01:30:28,113
Hi. This is Mark Miller
from the studio.
2102
01:30:28,222 --> 01:30:30,452
Look, we love it. We love you.
We don't say that often.
2103
01:30:30,558 --> 01:30:32,287
- We'd love to do something together.
- [Doorbell rings]
2104
01:30:32,393 --> 01:30:34,384
Listen to me. I've never said
the word "love" this much
2105
01:30:34,462 --> 01:30:36,430
to someone who isn't 21 with...
2106
01:30:39,801 --> 01:30:41,894
Hey!
2107
01:30:41,969 --> 01:30:42,958
Ha ha.
2108
01:30:43,070 --> 01:30:44,628
Thel!
2109
01:30:44,739 --> 01:30:47,207
I always knew.
2110
01:30:55,817 --> 01:30:57,307
Thanks, Thel.
2111
01:31:06,494 --> 01:31:08,587
[Mark Miller]
...big tits. Call me, brother.
2112
01:31:08,663 --> 01:31:10,130
[Beep]
2113
01:31:10,231 --> 01:31:11,994
Dad, just saw the movie
with all my friends.
2114
01:31:12,099 --> 01:31:14,158
It was great. They can't
believe you're my dad.
2115
01:31:14,268 --> 01:31:15,326
People keep calling.
2116
01:31:15,436 --> 01:31:16,994
Everybody thinks
you're really hot shit.
2117
01:31:17,104 --> 01:31:18,901
Congratulations.
I love you, Dad.
2118
01:31:18,973 --> 01:31:20,304
I'll see you tonight,
right?
2119
01:31:20,408 --> 01:31:23,172
I hope so. Bye, Dad.
2120
01:31:23,277 --> 01:31:24,301
[Beep]
2121
01:31:24,412 --> 01:31:27,074
[Rewinding tape]
2122
01:31:28,850 --> 01:31:31,512
Dad, just saw the movie
with all my friends.
2123
01:31:31,619 --> 01:31:33,917
It was great. They can't
believe you're my dad.
2124
01:31:33,988 --> 01:31:35,353
People keep calling.
2125
01:31:35,456 --> 01:31:37,185
Everybody thinks
you're really hot shit.
2126
01:31:37,291 --> 01:31:39,657
Congratulations.
I love you, Dad.
2127
01:31:39,760 --> 01:31:41,318
I'll see you tonight,
right?
2128
01:31:41,429 --> 01:31:43,659
I hope so. Bye, Dad.
2129
01:31:43,764 --> 01:31:44,924
[Beep]
2130
01:31:50,538 --> 01:31:52,301
[Rewinding tape]
2131
01:31:54,141 --> 01:31:56,166
...lations. I love you, Dad.
2132
01:31:56,277 --> 01:31:58,006
I'll see you tonight, right?
2133
01:31:58,112 --> 01:31:59,204
I hope so.
2134
01:32:02,016 --> 01:32:03,381
I love you, Dad.
2135
01:33:22,630 --> 01:33:25,531
[Andy narrating]
The end. We hope you liked our film.
2136
01:34:03,504 --> 01:34:07,304
(music) If I could, I'd say these words (music)
2137
01:34:07,408 --> 01:34:09,569
(music) I am a good man (music)
2138
01:34:12,747 --> 01:34:16,183
(music) If I could, I'd make it heard (music)
2139
01:34:16,283 --> 01:34:18,581
(music) I am a good man (music)
2140
01:34:21,522 --> 01:34:25,185
(music) A good man commits (music)
2141
01:34:26,293 --> 01:34:29,421
(music) A good man doesn't spit (music)
2142
01:34:30,631 --> 01:34:35,295
(music) A good man opens every door (music)
2143
01:34:35,369 --> 01:34:37,462
(music) A good man (music)
2144
01:34:37,538 --> 01:34:40,632
(music) Don't make out with whores (music)
2145
01:34:44,178 --> 01:34:48,205
(music) Someday I'm gonna say
these words (music)
2146
01:34:48,315 --> 01:34:50,545
(music) I am a good man (music)
2147
01:34:53,187 --> 01:34:57,146
(music) Someday I'm gonna make it heard (music)
2148
01:34:57,224 --> 01:34:59,385
(music) I am a good man (music)
2149
01:35:02,463 --> 01:35:06,900
(music) A good man's for real (music)
2150
01:35:07,001 --> 01:35:11,529
(music) A good man can feel (music)
2151
01:35:11,639 --> 01:35:16,235
(music) A good man
don't put his fist through walls (music)
2152
01:35:16,343 --> 01:35:18,038
(music) A good man (music)
2153
01:35:18,145 --> 01:35:20,807
(music) Don't stay down when he falls (music)
2154
01:35:20,881 --> 01:35:24,078
(music) Haunted by my youth (music)
2155
01:35:25,186 --> 01:35:28,644
(music) Suffocated truth (music)
2156
01:35:29,690 --> 01:35:34,059
(music) A piece of me has to die (music)
2157
01:35:34,161 --> 01:35:39,224
(music) Before I find the strength to fly (music)
2158
01:35:43,170 --> 01:35:47,038
(music) Yeah,
I'm gonna say these words (music)
2159
01:35:47,108 --> 01:35:49,508
(music) I am a good man (music)
2160
01:35:52,413 --> 01:35:56,008
(music) And I'm gonna make it heard (music)
2161
01:35:56,083 --> 01:35:58,415
(music) I am a good man (music)
2162
01:36:00,554 --> 01:36:01,885
(music) I am a good man (music)
2163
01:36:01,956 --> 01:36:04,618
(music) I am a loaded gun (music)
2164
01:36:04,725 --> 01:36:07,091
(music) I am my father's son (music)
2165
01:36:07,194 --> 01:36:09,355
(music) Always on the run (music)
2166
01:36:09,430 --> 01:36:11,694
(music) Searchin' for the one (music)
2167
01:36:11,766 --> 01:36:14,257
(music) And embracing none (music)
2168
01:36:14,368 --> 01:36:16,563
(music) I am a good man (music)
2169
01:36:18,639 --> 01:36:21,107
(music) I am a good man (music)
2170
01:36:23,244 --> 01:36:27,977
(music) I am a good man (music)
2171
01:38:19,244 --> 01:38:20,977
{{{the end}}}
157749
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