Original subtitles

[Man clears throat]

Welcome to Butterface Fields.

America. Small Town, USA.

The white picket fences around here

probably need repair, but, uh, I like us...

Uh, care about us.

We... We make our share of mistakes.

But you'll see.

This is Floyd's. Floyd's Bar.

Also our coffee shop, our clubhouse,

our spot for Sunday brunch and...

Oh, that's me. [Chuckles]

The miserable one. Andy Sargentee.

Ah, today I'm too tired of it.

More unaccepting than even usual.

[Man] We shouldn�t interrupt him.

- He's busy. - He's busy thinking.

Friends don�t let friends think.

We should do something.

- Stop him. - Just go see what�s wrong.

- Go, go, go. - Go on, go on.

Come on.

Let�s go.

Hi, Andy.

You want to come over and, uh,

sit with us, Andy?

Hey, Andy.

What are you doing, thinking? Don�t do that, Andy.

Okay. Well, Andy, we�re over here.

Yeah, we�re... right over here, Andy.

[Andy narrating] That was Moe and Ron.

We always call 'em Moe-Ron.

They're never apart. Good guys.

I'd... I'd just had enough of not having enough.

There had to be something that I could come up with.

You need to stop taking a dump around here, Andy.

In fact, you need to start wearing a diaper.

- That�s an order. - You stopped me from calling.

You said you wanted them needy.

Thought we might be able to jack up the price on "em.

- Oh, I said that? - A lot of people heard you.

You�re fired, stinky. Good-bye.

No more telling the boss to blow himself.

I am trying to hold onto these jobs.

That�s the scary part.

You�ve got to give it a different kind of try.

Aw, Jesus, Andy! What the hell?

Are you out of your mind?

[Andy narrating] Would've been niftier

if I hadn't already been fired.

Anyway...

My wife Thelma, she divorced me this year.

I know I would stand by you.

I'm even willing to believe in you.

I... I just...

I just don�t know what else to do.

[Sighs]

If you want me back, let me know.

[Andy narrating] I wanted her back,

but I didn't do anything to get her back.

Thel gets good scores.

She deserved plenty and got nothing from me.

[Boy] Bye, Dad.

Eventually she met a guy, married him.

Did real well for herself, and that's as it should be.

She's got the kid, Bill.

Ah, he's a... He's a good kid.

L... I wish I had more to offer him.

See, the reason that everybody was so worried, uh...

Well, I-I've gotten like this before, and, uh,

the ideas that I come up with...

Well, when I get 'em, I tend to go with 'em,

and we're close here, so others go with me.

I got us all to put in big on one of those pyramids.

Tech at the height of the bubble.

Selling vitamins, even, but we were all selling them,

so there was no one to buy 'em.

Stuff like that.

Oh, crap.

Barney Macklehatton, my best pal.

I had bigger problems.

How long has he been like this?

A long time.

Didn�t you do anything?

I've been feeding him free drinks.

That�s my best trick.

[Andy narrating] Floyd, Barney's father.

Get younger.

Eat shit.

That's nice. They've become even closer

now that Barn's mom's passed on.

Andy, please, don�t do this.

We�re in some trouble here.

[Andy narrating] That's Helen Tatelbaum.

Hey, You turn pro?

Barney's in love with her,

ever since we were kids, right to this minute.

No greater love has the world ever known.

So, uh, what time�s this married guy

supposed to pick you up?

He's not married, Barney.

They�re never married, Helen.

They just have wives.

I told you this one is not married.

Okay.

But this one�s not coming.

It�s 9:30.

What time was he supposed to pick you up?

I'm guessing 8.

Bastard.

[Andy narrating] But they've never gotten together, though.

Just hold on. We get out of this bar pretty soon, by the way.

Ho!

Hey!

Man, how you doing?

Uh, that's Moose.

He really behaves like this. Has no idea how it seems.

[Laughter]

Yeah, he... he's gay.

For some reason, he doesn't want us to know this.

Seems to honestly believe we don't.

Yeah, I assumed you needed some explaining.

Oh, and, uh, we didn't name him.

Two out of three.

He came to us one day and said, uh,

"Please call me Moose."

We don't ask questions.

Hey, Andy. Why all glum, buddy?

Hey, let�s get out of here

and rustle us up a couple of babes.

Always lifts my spirits.

Not the only thing it lifts. Boom!

[Andy narrating] He's serious.

Oh, that's just Some Idiot.

Hiya, Some Idiot.

- Hey, Some. - How was school tonight, Some?

Some Idiot. Hey!

Some Idiot attends junior college night school.

He studies something different each night he attends.

Love the guy. Him we named.

So, yesterday was my kid's birthday.

I haven't seen him in a while. Since before the honeymoon.

They took the kid, put him in a private school, too.

Then they had to move into this guy's house.

So I want to get him something really nice...

really nice from his dad.

And the kid loves basketball. Loves it.

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh, which ball do the pros play with?

- Uh, that one there. - Mmm.

- Eighty bucks for a ball? - Yup.

This is definitely the ball the pros use, hmm?

Definitely the pro ball, and it�s definitely $80.

Well, 79.99.

Plus there�s tax on that, right?

Yeah, I didn�t hear anything about this

being a no-tax day.

Do you think it might be?

Are you being fresh?

I don�t know what "fresh" means.

Look, I want to buy this ball.

I may be a little short.

So, what, are you going to steal it?

What?

Well, no, I thought that�s what

you were going to say.

"Cause Wally, he usually charges full price,

so that just leaves stealing.

Is Wally around or a manager or...

Yeah, Wally�s here. Sure. I'll get him.

[Sales Boy on P.A.] Wally?

Guy with no money in basketballs.

- Hi, what can I do for you? - Oh, yeah, I, um...

I, uh, want to buy this ball.

I have the money.

Absolutely. Terrific.

No, no. Uh...

I may be a little short on my credit card.

Can we squeeze as much as we can on it,

and then maybe I could let you hold something

until I come back, uh, you know, with the rest?

I... I need to have the ball right now.

- No. - No?

[Sales Boy] Excuse me. Wally?

You may be being fresh.

All right. Well, let�s, um... Let�s try this.

I, uh, may have some room on this other credit card.

- You know... - You know what?

L... I might have some, uh...

This ball here is 39.99.

This is a very good ball.

[Sales Boy] He's going to ask you about tax now.

- [Clears throat] - This isn�t the official ball.

Absolutely correct.

But that�s not the only special ball.

This ball, too, is special.

Now, if you were to describe that ball,

state its special significance,

you might say that that ball is used in the pros,

whereas this ball�s special significance,

stated, is that you may be able to afford it.

What kind of businessman are you? Come on. Uh...

Give me a break. Build some customer relations.

You think I'm really looking for the customer

who�s a bust-out by dollar 80?

I could have friends.

A guy who doesn�t have 80 bucks

doesn�t have rich friends.

But I bet you have some lovely 39.99 friends.

You�re going to gift wrap this for me, right?

Why, certainly, sir.

Yeah, I'd sure hate to lose you as a customer.

[Andy narrating] Take it easy.

I knew this guy was rich.

Ah, I didn't know he was this goddamn rich.

As you might've guessed,

I had no trouble getting the house

in the divorce settlement.

I've met the guy before a couple times.

He's very nice.

Hello, Andy.

Welcome. Welcome. Please, come in.

Nice place. Big.

Thank you.

Um, so we had a really nice trip.

I think Billy enjoyed it. At least I hope he did.

He'll be right down.

Or you can go up. How you been?

Oh, uh, I'm good.

Hello, Andy.

Oh, hey, Thel.

How are you?

Good. You look good.

Thank you.

[Sighs] How�s everything?

Oh, everything...

- Are you working? ...is fine.

Some place, huh?

- Billy must love it. - Yeah.

- Hey, Dad! - Hey, birthday boy!

Hey.

Hey.

- Some place you got here. - Yeah. You wanna see it?

I can show you around. You gotta see my room.

Yeah. Yeah.

Go ahead. Go ahead. See you guys later.

Hey, get your dad something to drink.

Nice guy. Howard.

Yeah, I really like him.

I mean, He's not as great as you,

but if you and mom had to split up...

Hey, hey. I want you to like him.

Don�t worry about that.

Hey, I got you something.

Oh, great. You didn�t have to do that.

Yeah, right, Dopey.

Ah.

Whoa. Dope.

Ha. This is some room, Dopey.

Yeah, you know, Howard has lots of money, so...

Yeah, that�s good quality.

[Sighs] Whew.

Listen, Dad, about this weekend.

Mm-hmm?

Do you think it'd be okay

if I didn�t come stay with you?

It�s just this guy in my class,

my first new friend at this school,

has a country house and invited me for the weekend.

Oh. No, go have fun with your friends.

It�s not that I don�t want to hang out with you.

No. No. Hey, you know.

You�re getting older now,

you have things to do with your friends.

Yeah, it�s just for this weekend.

Are you sure you understand?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go, have a great time.

- Go. - All right.

Hey, give me my present.

Oh, this? No, no.

Dad, I know it�s a basketball.

It�s okay. I don�t have one from you.

This isn�t for you.

Uh, I'm definitely giving you something,

but I just forgot to bring it.

I'm sorry. I'll get it to you.

Really, Dad, it doesn�t matter.

If you bought it for me, I�d like to have it.

But I didn�t, Bill.

Didn�t you understand what I said?

This isn�t for you. This is for somebody

I have to see after... Later.

Sorry.

I'm real sorry you can�t stay.

Yeah, me, too. Wish I could. L...

Yeah. Hey, uh, Andy?

Um...

Look, um...

All right, you have a great son.

And I also care about him a great deal,

and I hope that�s okay.

Now, um, I've been very fortunate in my life,

and it�s my pleasure to give to Billy,

but if you�re not comfortable with that...

You give, uh, whatever you like.

Whatever you got. Lots.

You know, He's a good kid. It�s good of you to...

Yeah, thanks. I gotta go.

[Narrating] That was a good day.

Oh, while we were gone, Otis came in.

I don't know.

He's my friend, I love the guy,

and, yeah, I'm apologizing ahead of time,

but hang in there.

No one loves women more than me.

I like women more than I like men.

I like women so much that I can�t understand

why they�re not all lesbians.

[Andy narrating] I'm not related to the guy.

I'm discouraged, God damn it!

I hear you, Andy.

You�ve got to give it a different kind of try.

He's not reading that paper.

Not that.

This is America.

Anything�s possible!

Think, Andy! Think!

Whatever he comes up with, we�re not in.

[Howard] You have a great son.

[Boss] You're fired, stinky. Good-bye.

[Wally] I'd sure hate to lose you as a customer.

Oh, crap.

We�re gonna make a porno film!

(music) Wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-lop-bam-bam (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, whoo (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop a-lop bam bam (music)

(music) I got a gal named Sue (music)

(music) She knows just what to do (music)

(music) I got a girl named Sue (music)

(music) She knows just what to do (music)

(music) She rock me to the East (music)

(music) She rock me to the West (music)

(music) But she's the girl that I love best (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, whoo (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

(music) Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie (music)

You definitely qualify for a free rental.

[Moaning on TV]

[Andy] Porn is a $12 billion industry

in annual sales.

959 million rentals of porn

reported this year.

15,000 new ones are coming out.

300 a week.

What are the newest, hottest things in porn?

Amateur porn.

The stuff that just any idiot can make

with his video camera.

Any idiot.

Some Idiot�s got a brother.

Now, we are amateurs.

This is so right for us.

Now, what�s even better

is we�re gonna do something

that�s never been done before.

We�re gonna be the first town

to band together

to make the first full-length feature

amateur adult film.

So, two firsts for us.

This could be really noisy.

I wanna go for the brass ring here.

You know, why do it otherwise?

Am I right, Emmett?

We�re behind you 100%, Andy.

Sure.

Is that camera connected to his face?

Pass those over there.

Emmett, Floyd, is what they call a film guy.

He's one of those guys that knows all about movies,

making them and seeing them.

Well, He's seen everything. He works at a video store.

- And that�s Emmett? - Emmett is a film guy, Moose.

He's a film guy, Moose.

I know that, Barney. I heard Andy.

Well, great. Welcome, Emmett.

Emmett has been taking film classes

that have lasted all summer long, and, uh...

I�ve taken classes.

I know that, Some Idiot.

I gotta tell you, I have a feeling about this kid.

Andy, all the blood from the stone

that is me is yours without asking.

Just curiosity here.

What�s in it for Emmett?

Emmett is our...

Cinematographer.

Cinematographer.

He's going to shoot the film.

And he, you know, knows what He's doing.

Plus, He's gonna do it for free.

Perfect.

Just doing it for the experience.

[All chattering]

Okay?

I'm in. Except for no money,

it�s a no-brainer for me.

First off, making a stag film

has to be a good time.

Number two, my hat�s off to you.

Good job. We can do this.

What are we talking about here?

Making a dirty movie... film, whatever, whatever.

What does that require?

Pointing a camera at a he and a she

he'in and a she'in.

We film some sex, we got a porno.

We have accomplished our goal.

It�s not a hundred things, it�s one thing.

The one thing people most want to do.

Proceed, don�t mind us,

we�re just doing a little filming here.

It�s so specific, it�s so well-defined,

I gotta say we can do this.

[Andy] Thank you, Otis.

I'm with you, Otis. You said it.

All right, buddy. Go porno.

Porno! Porno!

I can�t wait, you know? Down in front.

I'm no choirboy, but if we make a porno,

then we�ve made a porno.

Doesn�t the mafia make them?

Well...

All right, enough snacks.

Floyd, good question,

but the mafia isn�t making this one.

Butterface Fields is, hmm?

Each of us has lived here all our lives.

We score, we score together.

Right.

We don�t want to hurt anybody.

We know why we�re doing this.

It�s business, right?

That means we�re gonna need a script?

Yeah, that�s right.

I'm the guy for that.

Well, we'll talk about that, Some.

But just sex scenes sounds fine to me, eh.

No. No, Otis. No.

- And we�re gonna need a director. - That�s right. Yeah.

- I'm the guy for that. - We�ll talk about that, Some.

First, let me just...

Andy, you think I haven�t studied screenplay writing?

Screenplay. That�s what it�s called.

- Yep. Some? - A script for a movie.

- We�ll talk about that later. - There�s a name for people like me.

They�re called writer/directors.

We do two things.

Hollywood had to invent it

because there�s a lot of people in Hollywood like me

that are multi-gifted.

Come Christmas morning,

a kid has two gifts under a tree.

You can�t ask him to open just one.

- Sophie's Choice. - What�s that, kid?

Uh, Sophie's Choice.

Yeah, if you like. Sure, kid.

The kid could be named Sophie.

See, Andy? We�re creating.

It�s called collaboration. I work well with others.

Andy, Clara and Mrs. Morelli

have asked me to ask you just when can they get a look

at some big porno wienie,

"cause they just love the big porno wienie.

[Andy] Funny, Otis, but, please,

let me just go on, okay?

Andy, how much is this going to cost each of us?

Uh, total, uh...

Should we starting writing checks now, Andy?

Yeah, we�re in, Andy.

Two grand apiece.

- Oh, my... - [Andy narrating] 'Kay,

- Now we were off and running. - What?

Each?

We were all equal partners financially,

but I told them that those involved in making the film

would get something that's called screen credit.

They'd see their name when they watched the film.

Nobody thought that was anything too great.

And then I had explained that I had watched a lot of films

to prepare for this, and had at my house

some excellent examples of porno.

[Moaning on TV]

There were two problems immediately.

Where was everyone gonna get two grand,

and of those who wanted to be involved

in, uh, the production,

who was gonna do what?

Here, I've learned

movies are supposed to show, not tell,

so I'll show you Otis telling me what he'd like to do.

- Andy, I appreciate you coming by. - Ah...

- Hey. - Hey, Rev.

Hello.

I'm gonna get my money.

Oh, great.

You know I want in,

and I want in as more...

more than just an investor.

I wanna be involved. Totally.

Well, you know, it takes a lot of people to make a movie.

There�s lots to do.

Do you have some idea what you�d like to do?

I�d like to watch.

Well, you know about this movie film stuff, Andy.

Is there a guy,

when you�re making a movie,

who just stands around?

Andy, I know why you�re doing this,

and I'm rooting for you and I'm with you.

Really.

I mean, we know each other how long, huh?

You are familiar with my life.

You may notice that I'm sweeping here.

I don�t like being a custodian of a church,

but I wouldn�t like anything else, either, you know?

Life is a little too dirty for my taste, in general.

People, for the most part, aren�t really my cup of tea,

but, now, you tell me that for the next week or two

that I...

I get to hang around with porno peacharoonies,

and be there while they do their thing?

And drink coffee with them,

and after coffee, you know,

walk them over to their next hump.

I mean, I can�t think of anything better

I could win at a raffle.

And afterward...

you�re gonna put money in my pocket?

Great.

I'm not gonna be changed by this event,

but that�s better than my days go.

Can you use a guy like me, Andy?

[Andy narrating] Otis was made executive producer

on the film.

[Chattering]

[Andy] Hey, Some.

Hey, guys. Thanks a lot for coming.

Let me get right to the point.

Andy, I�d like to talk to you about the film.

I�d really... I�d like to be the writer/director.

Yeah, I know, Some.

Uh... isn�t that an awful lot to handle?

Sure it is, Andy Sure it is.

But that�s why it�s so attractive to me.

But, Some, you�d actually have to write the script,

and I'm sure directing means that you�d really

need to seem like you have some idea

about what you�re doing.

Andy, look.

Andy, look. Come here.

I promise you, I will not show up

on that set before I can seem like

I have some idea of what I'm doing.

Already I�ve been in a photography class.

Not just one class, a few nights.

- I know. - Writing class.

And, Andy, I am not lying, I�ve taken a film class.

Showed up pretty often.

We watch movies and talk about "em.

Look, forget all that. Listen to me, Andy.

When you yelled out the other night

that we were gonna make a film,

it was honestly a sign from God for me.

I mean, just that day... I swear this, Andy...

I came to the realization...

I mean, I�ve never known anything

or felt anything

so clearly in my life

that what I'm meant to be,

is that my...

my destiny is to be...

a... director.

Some, I won�t let you develop my snapshots,

and I love you.

That�s the other thing.

You�re filming this thing, right, not videoing?

Yeah, Emmett can get something called short ends

of 16mm film.

Film looks a lot better than video,

which is another way ours will stand out.

The place we send the film to from this place...

does all the developing for all the big movie outfits.

I could work some big time magic over there.

Developing won�t be your biggest expense.

Not if I'm the writer/director.

Andy, this is your baby.

I only want success for you.

And look, Some is a friend of mine, too,

but certainly one of our keys to success here

is to keep him as far away from this thing as possible,

and you just made him the writer/director.

Okay, good, he can help us with the developing...

No, he can�t.

This is Some we�re talking about.

He stopped developing at 15.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to take away the guy�s destiny?

That�s why I'm doing this, Barney, you know?

I�d give anything if everybody or any one of us

could get some destiny out of this.

I just wanna make sure you�ve thought this thing through.

You�re the only level headed, solid guy in the whole town.

Solid? Like a rock?

And that�s why...

I'm hoping that... that you'll, uh,

produce this thing with me.

You know, be my co-producer, hmm?

Co-producer?

Yeah, well, you know...

you have a way with people that I just don�t have.

I want you to be head of public relations, too.

Head?

Yeah.

And co-producer?

- That�s two things. - Yeah, I know.

If it�s not asking too much.

[Narrating] Okay, so, the funding.

Some of the town actually had two grand.

Others got another credit card.

Moe-Ron got it out of their pension from the factory.

Otis borrowed it from the reverend.

Uh, didn't tell him what it was for, of course.

Otis claims he's a gay reverend, by the way.

Me, Barn, Moose, and Some Idiot

simply did what we hoped we'd never have to.

We hocked our fathers' watches.

Moose, his mother's pin.

Hi, Mom and Pop.

Look, about this new thing I'm doing, uh...

I realize it might not fall under how you raised me,

it�s just not all like you said.

You know, some of the stuff you taught me,

it�s just not applicable.

You were wrong about some stuff, Mom, Pop.

I don�t know why I am the way I am,

but I have to get something going.

That�s gotta be most important.

Now, it�s business.

You know, America.

I love you.

I'm trying to be a good boy.

This could work out. I have a feeling.

It was time for our first production meeting.

Oh, there you go!

Emmett was now a member of our team,

and we were very encouraged by his ability.

We figured if he's this good a third baseman,

he can't be a bad cameraman.

Emmett!

Emmett! Excellent! Excellent!

To the porno!

[All] Porno! Porno!

Porno! Porno!

Hey, I'm sure you got more important things

you�d like to talk about, but I can�t stand it anymore.

Let�s hear about the gals you got lined up for the porno.

Yeehaw! Boy, that�s what I wanna know.

Let�s hear about the gals we got in the porno.

It�s all I can think about. I can�t even sleep anymore.

- You should see the bags under my eyes. - Eye on the ball!

As the director, I'm very eager to find out who my cast is going to be.

And as the writer, needless to say, it�s a total advantage

to know who you�re writing for.

It�s going to help my script immensely, so go ahead, Andy.

Hey, you got the gals to get hose-arinoed, et cetera, in the porno, right?

[Moose] Oh, please, Andy, stop teasing us.

[Cheering]

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on.

John, let�s go.

Of course, Andy�s got the gals lined up for the porno.

I mean, how would we have a porno without gals, right?

Fellas, you�re talking about casting...

casting, uh, you know, that takes place

during preproduction,

and we�re in preproduction now.

- Right, Emmett? - Preproduction.

And, fellas, that�s really one of the main things

I wanted to talk to you about tonight.

Andy, to make a good porno film,

I'm gonna need some gals to get boned and give head and stuff.

You need a script first.

How can you cast without a script?

Well, I'm working on that.

Excuse me,

isn�t the role of the gal

getting futzed in unthinkable ways

go to whoever we can get to do it?

Am I wrong?

Fellas, we have money in the budget to pay the actors,

or we offer them what�s called a piece of the backend.

Just like we�re each getting

you know, equal share of the profit

for our two grand,

in exchange for acting services rendered, they get a share.

For a half-a-dozen guys unloading on you

so you look like a melted candle today,

we will gladly pay you on Tuesday?

I don�t know who�s gonna go for that one, A.

Strike!

[Andy narrating] All right, this was our first little hiccup.

So, well, we needed to get some gals.

Uh, Otis made a good point, though.

We probably could cast without a script.

Hey, Helen, how you doing?

Hey, Some, how you guys doing?

You having trouble with the porno film?

Yes, a little casting trouble.

We just need some lovely ladies

with half your looks, and we�d be golden.

You want me to be in your porno film?

- Yeah. - No.

I'm the writer/director.

I'm not gonna be in your porno film, Some.

I would never do that. I got better things to do.

Who knows, Helen?

It could be an opportunity to make some real money.

Right now I'm waiting on this really terrific guy.

He's gonna take me into the city,

and we�re gonna have a big time.

We might be going to the Bahamas next week...

or the week after... He's taking me.

What time is he supposed to pick you up?

Eightish.

Well, it�s pretty close to 10.

He said "ish."

Mine! Mine! Mine!

Aah!

I know some dishes who would do it for me as a favor

"cause I�ve done them a few favors in the past,

if you know what I mean.

But, unfortunately, they�re all out of town.

Well, some... Some are out of town.

Uh, one broke her leg.

And her back.

Um, she�s in a full body cast,

so that wouldn�t really work.

Well, not easily, anyway.

[Andy narrating] From the bar, we went back to my house,

which is also the production office.

I had this idea

that we should draw up a list

of the types of scenes we needed.

This way we'd know how many cast members to get,

and what it is we'd be asking them to do.

Can we do that?

See, there are some required scenes in all pornos,

you know, scenes that, well, you gotta have,

obviously, because, well, they all have 'em.

Okay, that does it.

Now, we need at least one lesbo scene,

so that�s two gals.

One gal masturbating with toys.

That could be one of the gals from the lesbo scene.

- Right? - Mmm.

At least one, uh...

You know, maybe it�d be best

if it weren�t.

What do you mean, Some?

What is the lesbo scene gonna include?

A lot of donut bumping and carpet munching, right?

So it�s gonna concentrate a lot in the same area

as the gal-twiddling scene, isn�t it?

If we use one of the same gals from both,

then maybe we�d...

Be tired of looking at her fruit cup.

Oh, all right. I hear you.

All right. See, this is good.

We�re working together.

You know, let�s keep this up.

Some, looking alive, buddy.

Thank you.

You�re walking and talking

like a real writer/director now.

Yeah.

Okay, let�s keep going.

So, at least one in-the-butt scene.

Preferably two, but one will do.

It�s amazing how popular in-the-butt is.

In porno.

Uh... okay, moving on.

One "black guys with dicks that�d be big on elephants

with a little white girl" scene.

Where we�re gonna get the black guy,

I have no idea,

but... that about does it.

Uh, girl gobbling at least three guys at once, Andy.

Oh, good. Thanks, man.

- Oh, whoa. Whoa. - Good call.

"Gal giving multiple knob jobs

concurrently" scene.

Okay, here are the scenes.

We got lesbo,

masturbating,

a couple in-the-butt,

white girl, black guys,

and blowing three.

- Good porno. - Mm-hmm.

Hi, Floyd.

Moe-Ron, hi.

How ya doin"?

Good.

[Indistinct chatter]

Hey, Thelma.

Hi.

Oh. Oh.

Hmm.

Well...

So, um...

Billy�s worried now that you�ve seen our place

that you�re uncomfortable about having him

spend the weekends with you.

Well, I see him on weekends.

You take him out to dinner on Friday,

and then a few hours on Saturday and Sunday.

Well...

You know, he thought you�d be together on the weekends.

There are no sheets on his bed, Thel.

When you moved out, you must�ve taken them.

There�s just a stripped bed in his room.

I didn�t leave dirty sheets on the bed

when I packed up the room.

I'm sure that they�re in the linen closet,

or I'll buy you some new sheets.

I have a linen closet?

Are there sheets for my bed in there, you think?

Andy, Billy doesn�t care about houses,

and he doesn�t want you to care.

You know He's not even that good at basketball.

He only plays it because you did.

Well, soon, I promise.

I'm just in the middle of this thing right now,

the house is a mess with it,

but I need to go with this thing.

You know, this could really be a good thing.

This... this could be it.

You know, I got a feeling.

Good luck, Andy.

My fingers are crossed in double knots for you.

Bye.

You look pretty, Thel.

[Narrating] This is Some Idiot's mother's house.

Some lives with his mom.

She's mostly deaf, by the way.

All right, so we've skipped ahead a little here.

Just a little. We still had no cast.

We went to Some's for an afternoon snack.

To his credit, he was taking this thing pretty seriously.

Some was reading all kinds of books on film,

and had a first draft of the script for us.

- Example. - Uh, not anything good.

"Page 44.

"Exterior. Top of train. Day.

"The train speeds through the city

"as Yvonne and Jizelle lay on the top of the train,

eating out each other�s honey pots."

First of all, well, that�s a very nice scene.

We don�t have any women yet,

let alone two to yodel each other

on the top of a moving train.

And then, here, reaction shots

from people in skyscrapers

as they peer and gawk out their windows

at the passing train.

You know, again, terrific,

but where is this?

We�re gonna build a city

for the train to pass through

that�s surrounded by skyscrapers?

What, are we gonna fly somewhere?

And then here. This is my favorite.

99. "Interior. Office. Day.

"Boris gives it to Bianca in the butt

as she defuses the bomb."

I mean, you know, a bomb?

Some Idiot, tell your friends to stop talking so much.

How can they eat?

Everybody�s good, Ma. Don�t worry about it.

It�s an important meeting here, Mom.

This is delicious, Mrs. Cherkiss.

How�s your son, Andy?

Does he like being rich?

Oh, yeah.

I hear He's got a basketball court in his room. Is that right?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Great.

Some, I don�t know.

Uh, I mean personally,

I think Bianca, you know,

she might be a little distracted

if Boris visits her back porch

while she�s diffusing the bomb.

And it�s kind of irresponsible

of them, you know?

So many people die if the bomb goes off!

Some, we don�t know what we�re doing!

[Moose] I mean, really, Some.

Even I could keep my hands off some hot dolly

if she was busy diffusing a bomb,

at least for a few minutes.

I really think Boris should show some restraint.

Andy, Orson Welles said,

"The absence of limitation is the enemy of art."

I'm sorry, but what�s the point

of letting me write the script

if you�re not gonna let me do what I do?

We don�t know what we�re doing, Some!

We�ve got to keep it simple!

Otherwise, we�re never going to make this porn!

Andy, first off,

lesbians are not going to be hard to find.

Read a magazine. They�re growing on trees these days.

We couldn�t film a kiss today.

Who wants Jell-o?

You know that scene

where the helicopter lowers the ladder

and Congresswoman Pennedy and her black bodyguard Leroy,

they grab on, they�re swooped away

just in the nick of time?

She proceeds to blow him on the ladder

while they�re swung around the sky?

That scene is covered by our budget?

That�s not my...

It�s got cut-up fruit in it.

Some, this thing is 190 pages.

You got to figure

that a porno is like an action film.

Who needs "The car blows up.

"A huge red fireball engulfs the area,

"sending flaming pieces

"of burning metal through the air.

People flee," et cetera, et cetera?

Pears and apples.

"The car blows up.

The gal blows the guy" will do.

We get it.

Nine, ten pages, no more.

Uh, Mrs. Cherkiss, you don�t have to serve us.

Join us here.

- Okay, honey. - I have to go.

That�s it, right there.

Let�s see here.

Thank you.

Okay, I�ve been sitting on this all night,

waiting for the right moment.

I saved the day. Finally got us some gals.

- At least one for sure. - What?

I�ve been wracking my brain.

These are modern times.

There must be some gals around here

who would like to do some porn.

The opportunity has simply not lent itself.

And then it hit me.

I got embarrassed, it�s so obvious.

Who is it?

Who�s the sure thing? Tell us.

The gal at the bed store.

- Hey! - She�s hot!

Right? Come on.

- Yeah, I like her. - Oh!

How did you... When did you ask her?

Haven�t yet. We got to do that.

Then she didn�t say she�d do it.

- Barney, she works in a bed store. - Yeah?

A gal who works in a bed store,

you know she likes to what?

Earn a living?

Go to bed, A.K.A. Lie down,

A.K.A. Scrump.

I do? I know that? Since when do I know that?

Why else would she work at a bed store?

Again, I mention salary.

- Maybe she likes to sleep. - Yeah, she probably loves both,

but we�re only concerned with the "her loving to scrump" part.

I don�t think you�re right.

No, I'm positive.

We�re all missing this?

Four idiots doubting something makes it untrue?

She works at a bed store.

Scrumping's her middle name.

Vegetarians don�t sell hot dogs!

Emmett, I ask you something. I tell you a gal works in a bed store.

- What do you know for sure? - Loves to scrump.

She�s in.

Are you serious?

We have our first cast member?

[Narrating] Now we were really off and running.

Otis, way to go!

I cannot believe it! This is fantastic!

You told her everything?

Oh, yeah, she'll do it in the butt,

off helicopters, with toys, anything.

She works in a bed store,

so naturally she loves scrumping.

I cannot believe it!

You just asked her,

and now we have our first cast member.

Andy, I wasn�t kidding when I said

I was looking forward to this porno.

And let this be a lesson to all of us.

In life, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Unfortunately, a little problem came

from Otis' success.

It encouraged Some.

The next day, he called me all revved up

and insisted I meet him right away.

He's got us another actress.

Charlene Pike. Works here full time.

She�s 20, I'm telling you.

She looks 16.

But she�s 20. Five days ago.

I know it for a fact. I remember when she was born.

You told her everything, in detail,

about what she�d be doing?

I swear to God, Andy, tell her yourself.

According to Some,

Charlene wanted to do our porno... a lot.

I'm not comfortable with this. It feels wrong.

I don�t think we�d be doing the right thing.

Free country, Andy. If she wants to... She�s 20.

We�re not twisting her arm

or telling her lies to get her to do it,

and we need her.

What about Ernest G.?

He�d actually kill us in a second.

[Narrating] The only really dangerous screwed-up guy

that's ever lived around here is this guy Ernest G... �

Ernest G. Pike, Charlene's big brother.

Ernest G.'s somewhere where he gets very little news

and where they don�t allow killing.

He's doing time upstate for a bunch of robberies.

He won�t be away forever. What about when he gets out?

Well, it�s not today.

That�s all we have to worry about.

I've been to the movies before.

I assume you have, too, so we both know

this guy is popping up here soon.

I just feel better coming clean with it now

rather than treating you

like a bunch of idiots who didn't know.

Anyway...

When the day does come, if he finds out,

we�ll be rich enough to hire bodyguards

or someone to rough him up, whatever.

I can�t worry about the distant future, Andy,

not when there�s a piece of good fortune

available to us right now.

Just talk to her.

Has Some, uh, told you, uh...

what... you�d be doing?

Yeah.

Okay.

W-Why would you want to do this?

Ever worked at the Softy Freeze, Andy?

No. No, they... they wouldn�t hire me.

Andy, why the hell do you live in Butterface Fields?

Are you crazy?

I mean, why would anybody do that,

let alone want to do that?

Do you want to see my list

of opportunities that have come my way?

Andy, I'm just seizing any openings

because I don�t know what else to do.

I mean, I�ve had sex before.

It�s so boring around here, I�ve actually had a lot of it.

I�ve even gone to a lot of trouble

just to try and keep the sex interesting,

you know, just to compensate

for the quality of life around here,

which is so boring

that I keep myself busy by having sex.

And, well, you�re paying,

so that makes it the best offer that I�ve had today.

And then there�s also the unknown.

So... yeah.

Count me in.

[Andy narrating] So we're off and running.

Good ol' Moe-Ron really came through for us.

They got us... are you ready?

Three black guys, no problem.

How about that? Yeah, I said three.

I've seen as many as a busload

in these "big black guys with a little white girl" scenes,

but, you know, three is... is respectable.

They live here in Butterface Fields.

Moe-Ron, they work with them at the factory.

Now smile.

I went down to the factory.

Gave them the whole story.

They couldn't have been more game.

Thought it sounded like fun.

So anyway, here we are.

They're nice fellas.

Uh, oh, you're wondering

how we got to film at the Softy Freeze?

This is Roy, the manager.

He gets to stay and watch.

He even threw in free snacks.

We're pretty good filmmakers, huh?

We had already gotten a couple of normal scenes,

and we're about ready to do our first, uh...

Sex scene 1, take 1.

...sex scene.

If I could have everyone�s attention, please?

Quiet on the set!

[Whistle blows]

One voice, please!

- Thank you. - No, I got to go.

We�re about to shoot the porno.

[Girl on phone] Cool.

Thank you.

We�re almost ready for our first take.

I'm going to speak with my actors now.

Hello, actors.

- Hey. - Hey.

Charlene, you�re a Softy Freeze employee.

All I need from you is to just be yourself.

And on this night, you�re working late.

These guys are the cleanup crew.

There�s no one here but you and them.

Now, we�re picking up the scene

after you�ve seduced them

by bending over and picking things up off the floor

in your short little Softy Freeze skirt.

We�ve established that sex is going to be had.

We�re going to lose the towels and robes,

and on "action", you three guys

are going to ravage the hell out of Charlene

on the Softy Freeze counter.

As we discussed, let�s really go to town here.

It�s a big night for you guys.

Normally it�s just moppin",

but tonight it�s boffin'.

Art imitating life here?

No acting required, all right?

- Excuse me. - Thanks.

Are there any questions?

Okay, let�s lose the robe and towels.

Excuse me, Some,

maybe we should give them a little privacy.

What?

Well...

And, we�re going to end up seeing it anyway.

We�re filming it.

But that... that�s kind of different,

you know, removed.

We�re standing here. It doesn�t seem right.

I agree with Andy.

Seems right to me. Why do this, then?

How do we make a film without looking?

Let�s just do the best we can, hmm?

Okay.

Okay.

Everybody turn around.

So let�s lose the robe and towels.

Whoa.

Are they off?

Action.

Uh, uh, uh, eh, Some,

you better have a look at this.

Oh!

Cut. Cut.

Those are your penises?

Mm-hmm.

Andy, I can�t work with these.

Guys...

Did all your parents work in the same nuclear plant or something?

All right, let�s... let�s take a break.

Uh, fellas.

This is bullshit.

Oh, I don�t know. There�s something wrong

with the black guys" penises or something.

This is the "young little white girl with the big black guys" scene.

None of you are bouncers. Two of you aren�t over 5"6".

What did you think I meant by "big"?

[Narrating] Lesson number 1

when making a film. �

no one gets a part without dropping their pants.

Ah, you live and you learn.

This... This was bad.

We lost Charlene.

Her family had a vacation to Florida booked.

Her grandma's down there.

All we had was Ellie from the bed store,

and with only one actress,

it was going to be very hard

to come up with enough sex for a full-length film.

And then there's the guys, you know?

We had no guys.

Important meeting. Okay.

So we definitely didn't want to waste

the momentum we had going here.

Brainstorming time.

Here's what came out of the meeting.

We decided that we would each go our own separate ways

and come back with actresses for our film.

Divide and conquer.

It was up to the individual

to forge his own path

and design a way we'd emerge victorious.

Moose had an interesting idea.

[Moose] Girls, please.

Girls.

I have a very exciting opportunity

that I'm very happy to be able to offer you today.

[Andy narrating] Peggy was in Playboy,

like, uh, 15 years ago.

It was just one little picture

in the "Girls of Figure Skating" issue.

Peggy wasn't a figure skater,

but, uh, you know, had a nice figure

and was in charge

of the rental skates at the rink,

so good enough as far as Playboy was concerned.

Uh, the plus side. �

she worked before with her clothes off.

We all agreed Some should take this time

to rewrite the script.

Ma! I'm hungry, please!

Barney had other plans for the day.

Most of their lives they've known each other.

- [Wolf whistle] - Barn's never stopped trying.

You are such a jerk.

You think this outfit makes me look cheap?

Don�t you own a mirror?

- I'm serious. - Me, too.

Look, Helen,

I happen to have the solution for you.

Now, this is excellent advice.

I�ve always kind of dabbled in PR, and this...

Barney, you are nothing but a lousy refrigerator repairman.

I'm acquainted with my own profession.

But just listen to this campaign I�ve put together

to improve your image.

Right now, the way you present yourself,

you�ve taken away all the many aspects

that comprise a human being as their right of birth,

and you�ve reduced yourself to only one aspect:

Babaloos.

Now, me? I'm just a guy.

A poor schnook, a repairman.

Yeah, of nothing but refrigerators.

[Andy narrating] Otis had an interesting idea as well.

We're a stew of quite a m�lange of flavors,

uh, wouldn't you say?

"M�lange" means "mixture", by the way.

Uh, I should have just said "mixture".

Getting a little carried away here. Sorry.

[Man whistles]

Hiya.

Well, hi to you, honey.

I used to choke my Chattanooga choo-choo

to you at least once a day.

Some days not just twice.

Oh, a sweet talker, huh?

You babysitted me.

You were a friend of my sister�s.

You�re Vera Bracey.

You�re little Otis?

- Oh. - Yeah.

You were so cute!

Oh, hey, Andy.

What can I do for you?

Oh, uh... aspirin, I�ll take some of that aspirin.

Okay.

Here you go. Got a headache?

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

Uh, I knew you sell it here.

I'm out at home.

You got something on your mind?

My mind? No, no. Why?

"Cause most people don�t stop by the ball field

to pick up their aspirin.

Life is about new experiences.

And you got a peach of a pair, by the way.

I'm not knocking your knockers.

And I know you�re more than just babaloos.

But how do we get everyone else to know that?

Here�s how that could happen.

Here�s how that would happen.

You start doing me.

Oh...

This is excellent advice.

You�d want to see me

bent over the sofa taking it up the a...

So, Peggy, a funny thing,

but, uh, I was, uh, getting my hair cut

the other day at the barber shop.

I was waiting my turn

and, uh, browsing

the magazines they offer there,

and, well, they offer quite a few,

uh, and they happened to have Playboy there.

You know, it�s a barber shop. A lot of men come there,

so I guess they figure

that men might like to glance at the Playboy

- while waiting to have their hair cut. - Right.

And I was reminded

that, uh, you were once in Playboy.

Believe I heard... heard that somewhere.

And I was, you know, just wondering, uh...

what was that like?

(music) Don't stop me (music)

So nice to see you.

(music) Don't stop me (music)

About time they got rid of shaking hands.

Do you mind?

Do I mind if you rub my dick?

Yeah.

No, it saves me the trouble.

I'm trying to think of the last time

I was asked a question that stupid.

Girls, please!

Look, we won�t mention it again!

Forget I brought it up!

- Go away! - What porno?

Floyd, could I please get another cherry soda?

Then they find out we are doing it,

and it changes everything.

They realize you�re not some "dime a dozen" bimbo.

If you were, you wouldn�t be with me.

You must be a person of great worth.

Now, all we got to do to make this happen is,

I move in to your place,

and we start having sex all the time.

[Scoffs]

Constant sex is important.

Then, who knows?

It was years before anybody looked at me the same.

I think, you know, they thought

I was some wild thing

who loved to take her clothes off

instead of just some struggling

young woman who had been held up at gunpoint that month

and couldn�t pay her rent.

Well, luckily, then, that was, you know, a long time ago,

a distant memory, and you certainly

won�t ever have to do anything like that again.

You certainly have a great-looking kid.

Yeah.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

Andy?

If you�re looking for a way to ask me out,

you don�t have to work so hard.

- Oh, no? - No.

When?

[Andy narrating] Clearly, I lacked the necessary tools

to be a successful pornographer.

I'm sorry, I let you all down.

No, you didn�t, Andy.

Well...

No, you tried your best, Andy.

We all did.

Just a bad day for all of us.

An especially bad day for my hair.

Fellas, V. V, fellas.

She�s ready to porno.

[All cheering]

To V!

V!

Here�s to V.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Okay, remember Homer and the other black guys

who were supposed to be in that "big black guys

with the little white girl "scene?

Well, none of them,

or Charlene got the other half of their money,

because they ended up not doing the job.

Well, Homer and his friends have decided

that they're owed the other half.

They feel real strongly about it.

So I get a call from Homer.

He wants to talk this over man-to-man here at Meyer's.

We feel we�re owed the money,

if for nothing else, because of the way you treated us.

Things, well...

they may have gotten a little out of hand.

We weren�t as kind as we should have been,

and so I apologize.

I�d be happy to get the other guys, too, Homer,

but what I don�t think you realize is...

we got nothing for the 3,000 we already gave you.

Now you want us to give you another three for more nothing,

plus Charlene�s thou?

You know, that�s a third of our budget flushed down the toilet.

Well, that�s not our problem, is it?

No. No, that�s our problem,

and that�s why we can�t do as you ask.

You said 2,000 a man.

Yeah, half for showing up,

half for doing the job.

But you didn�t give us a chance to do the job.

No, you couldn�t do the job.

You know, the job was to...

you know, have sex with Charlene utilizing a...

let�s call it proper porno penis.

And, Homer, I was real clear with you guys

when I went over the deal with...

You just assumed we had big dicks.

That�s right.

Because we�re black.

What do we know about penis?

That, coupled with the fact that you never told us

you had improper porno penises,

- when we told what we needed... - No, no, no.

What you wanted to do was to humiliate us.

We went to all that trouble to humiliate you? Spent all of that money?

Homer, I'm in big trouble without that scene.

I have never in my life had any extra

to spend on humiliating people.

Are the white guys who do your movie getting humiliated?

What does that mean?

A funny penis is a funny penis,

regardless of race, creed, or religion.

Then why did it have to be black guys?

It was a "black guys with a white girl" scene.

Could I have another hunk of pie, please?

You know, this is my first porno.

I'm not a pornographer,

I'm just a schnook looking to score.

I'm not a president of the film board who�s decreed

that every porno's got to have some tiny little white girl

experiencing whopping black baloney.

But why do I have to make the omelet with eggs?

You know, what do we know?

We�re trying to make a porno.

You�re trying to turn this into a black thing.

Why are you doing that?

Well, isn�t it?

Homer, I'm never...

l... I don�t have time to be a racist.

I don�t do, okay? I try.

And I'm trying to make a porno,

because it�s something I think I might be able to do,

because it�s killing me I haven�t done anything.

You know, people who do, they have extra time,

not us trying people.

We�re busy trying all the time.

Nothing takes up more time than trying.

- We wanted to try. - Yeah, but you couldn�t do!

Not without porno penis!

Do you think, if I could do anything,

I would pick, "make a porno"?

I can�t afford the goddamn good ball!

Look, you hired three black men

to do a job that you had to have three black men for.

But you didn�t pay them in full,

and you are sitting here saying to me that it isn�t a black thing.

Black penis thing!

Black penis! Black penis!

Then why does it have to be three black men?

Because they are the ones with the black penises.

Fuck you.

Come on.

All right, I admit it.

We�re prejudiced against small penises

[horn honking]

[Cries]

I will not do it.

Give me a sec, would you?

Helen?

Oh, hey, how ya doin", Barney?

You�re crying.

I am not.

Yes, you are. Why are you crying?

I am not crying.

Helen, not again.

God. Leave me alone, Barney.

Helen, every week you find some terrific new guy

to let crap all over you.

There�s a lot of guys that need to take a crap, Helen.

Why don�t you have a little more respect for yourself?

You might as well do our porno.

We�re paying, and it beats the choices you�ve been making.

Yeah, you�d like that, wouldn�t you?

What? No.

I may as well because I... I need the money.

Maybe I ought to.

[Gasping]

Yes!

Emmett!

Emmett!

Get your camera! Let�s go!

I said no.

[Some] Come on. Come on. Come on.

You know, I wish I had more for you to...

I don�t care.

It�s just that you�re my kid,

so I care about all kinds of nutty stuff.

It�s a pain in the ass.

[Narrating] So, I was with Billy,

and I found out later what Helen did.

Ma, you need anything, holler.

This being spur of the moment and all,

Some didn't want to give Hel a chance to change her mind,

so he made the executive decision

to have Hel do the "gal masturbating with toys" scene.

(music) There's something that I want to say (music)

(music) But words sometimes get in the way (music)

(music) I just want to... (music)

[Andy narrating] Eventually, we all realized

that this was going to have to be a work in progress.

What we had here was a film concept.

Here's what it is.

We're in a small town...

Let me get this right, now.

The film, it's seen through the eyes of our lead character,

but we never see our lead character, see?

This guy who lives in this small town,

he goes through his day and he bumps into a lot of sex.

[Crying]

Here, the guy stops by to visit his friend,

played by Helen.

He peers through the window,

and catches her, uh, playing.

We didn't make this porno

to turn our friends into porn stars.

That was never the idea. I wasn't happy about this.

Some was under strict instructions

never to operate alone.

Uh, we needed that scene, though,

and, well, now we had it.

Our porno film had sex in it.

For almost a day.

Then when Some told me about it,

the first thing I did, of course,

was to call Barney to see if he knew.

He told me he did and that he didn't care,

Helen's business is Helen's business.

[Knocking]

Yeah.

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. But, uh...

I gotta have the film of Helen, Andy.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I know we need it, but... I love her.

So, uh, whatever you paid her,

you can take it out of my end,

if there is a "my end".

And if I need to owe you, I�ll owe you.

Barney.

Thanks. I�LL see you tomorrow.

I was starting to doubt if we were any good filmmakers.

We'd spent over half our budget and had nothing to show for it.

But, still, I believed in us,

and I had this feeling that we could do this.

It was just time to get angry, try harder.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Had to drive this baby home.

Okay, we wanted to use not only Ellie from the bed store,

but the bed store itself in the porno.

We wanted Ellie to do a lesbo scene,

and we were hoping that she could supply

a partner to do it with.

There was always V, but we were using her

for a number of other things.

Anyway, it was up to me,

and that's the only way I'd have it this time.

This time, I wanted to go in,

and there was only one way I was coming out. �

victorious.

May I help you?

Oh, I'm Andy Sargentee.

We haven�t met yet.

I'm the producer on the film

that my friend Otis spoke to you about.

Oh. [Giggles]

I, uh, I just wanted to, uh,

talk to you about it and...

[laughs]

It�s really nice to meet you. I'm Ellie.

Wow. It�s so great that you stopped by

"cause I was gonna call you.

I had an idea.

I was wondering if maybe I could do...

a... lesbian scene?

That would be my preference.

I think... I think... Yeah.

[Laughs]

And, um, I had another thought.

This place would make such a great set

for a porno film...

with all the beds and all.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

To be honest, the only reason I work here is "cause

I love sex so much. Duh.

Anyway, the only catch is,

if you�re interested in using it,

I spoke to the owner, she�s recently divorced,

and she won the store in her settlement,

and she�s fine with you using it.

We could shoot it on Sunday.

The store is closed.

But... [giggles]

She... she would have to be

my partner in that scene.

[Door opens]

Hmm.

Look, there she is now.

[Whispers] Oh...

[Andy narrating] The highs and lows

come too close together in this business.

I'll bet the lows last longer.

Her name was Veronica.

And right now, all I cared about

was that fantastic, "nothing beats it" feeling

you get when something works out.

Otis, no guts, no glory.

We shot the scene on Sunday.

Our lead, who you never see,

goes to buy a new bed.

The sales gal is already busy with a customer

when he gets there.

Ellie plays the sales gal, Veronica the customer.

Our new favorite thing, all of ours, lesbians.

We love lesbians.

We're having the buttons and t-shirts

made up right now.

Ellie and Veronica were great.

You could've turned on the camera and gone to lunch.

They knew how to make and keep a scene interesting.

I don't know, they're naturals or something.

I mean, they'd just do something...

I don't know how they came up with it,

it's anybody's guess.

You know, Some would go, "Yeah, more of that."

And... [laughs]

Boy, did we get more of that.

We love lesbians.

We were in trouble again. Highs and lows, remember?

Ridiculously close together?

It was time for a scene with V,

and we had no guys.

This sucks. God damn it. This shouldn�t be hard!

Hey, who wants to get laid?

Something�s not right with the world.

Boy, the stars are out of place.

You know, that�s why the weather�s so weird.

You know, when I think of all the gals

who�d happily do this for me, you know,

"cause they feel like they owe me,

if you catch my drift.

And in a freaky fluke, they�re all away in China

or Africa, you know, places without phones.

Ask for guys. Wow.

Moose, this is serious.

We don�t have time for your stuff.

Okay? Just shut up. You�re a homo.

So don�t with that crap, not now.

A homo?

A homo?

What are you, nuts?

Me, a homo?

He's kidding, Moose.

Well, that�s a laugh.

You know, boy is that a laugh.

Yeah, it sure is. Good one, Otis.

Stop! Stop! We don�t have time for this!

We got to keep our eye on the ball and drive this home, God damn it.

You�re a homo. Period. The end. There.

Now we don�t have to do that anymore.

- Otis, don�t. - Look, that�s okay.

You�re upset, Otis. I understand that.

Look, I�ll, uh, I�ll call some... some, uh, ladies I know, you know.

Some other ones, you know,

the ones that are not away or... or sick.

Thanks. That would be great.

Doesn�t change the fact that you�re a homo.

I am not gay!

Then you�re a spy deep undercover. Only other possibility.

- Look, I am straight! - I'm rich and bright.

Moose, if you don�t know you�re gay,

allow me to introduce you to yourself.

Moose, this is you: Ass master.

Anything else about yourself you�re oblivious to that I can help you with?

Your hair is brown. You wear glasses.

Why would you think that?

Do... Do you know how many women I�ve had?

If I had money, all of it would be on none.

Moose, Moose, Moose, look.

Beer bottle.

Red apple.

Guzzler.

Andy, I�ll do the scene with V.

- No! - Moose.

I insist. Look, we need an actor for tomorrow�s scene.

It�s nothing I haven�t done before.

For the good of the film, I will save the day.

I won�t take no for an answer, Andy.

Oh, Otis.

- Wait... - Moose.

[Andy narrating] We came up for this character for V.

Uh, she plays this lovable, bit older member of the community

who's like everybody's favorite aunt. �

you know, always feeding you and stuff.

Uh, only that's just a facade.

She's really a hot and sexy sexpot,

and, uh, we call her Aunt V.

We�re rolling.

Okay, and action.

I... did say action, right?

Yes.

Okay, good. Just making sure.

V, how are we doing?

Nothing�s happening.

Do you want me to do something?

Do you want some help, honey?

No. No.

Just give me a moment.

Sure, Moose, sure.

Look, the cameras are rolling whenever you�re ready.

Uh, there�s an acting technique called substitution.

Just mentioning.

[Whispering] Emmett.

You�re the cameraman, so you have to take a look.

Moose, V,

Emmett�s the cameraman.

He's just going to take a quick look, okay?

Come on. Gee...

He's... He's not just making slow, passionate, quiet love, by any chance?

Oh, no. No.

This definitely isn�t a action porno.

Let�s just leave him alone in there for a few minutes.

That�s probably what Liberace�s dad said:

"Leave him alone with a naked porno babe for a few minutes."

Guys.

I have something I have to tell you.

I'm gay.

Oh, we don�t care at all, you know, Moose?

Yeah, Moose, whatever you like.

I was the one who told you.

The hell with gay. You�re terribly forgetful.

But it makes me different from the rest of you.

You know, you�re all heterosexuals.

Yeah, but...

horrible ones.

Yeah. We�re not any good at it.

I'm glad you�re gay. If by some miracle I get a gal,

you�re one guy I won�t have to worry about stealing her.

Will we still watch games together?

Now we�ll get to watch games together.

You won�t be saying clich� male shit all the time.

- It�s gonna be great. - But now I'm the gay guy.

You were always the gay guy, Moose,

just like I'm the good-Looking guy, huh?

Look, none of us are prizes. Gay doesn�t even rank.

Yeah, gay�s a good day for us.

So I'm still part of the gang?

Part of the gang?

Moose, you�re our friend. We...

We cherish you, buddy.

Moose.

So...

Of course we�re not very discriminating.

Idiots, screw-ups, homos.

[Moose laughs]

We�ll be friends with anybody.

God.

[Andy narrating] However, we had no guys for our porno.

We were sex-deficient and fresh out of ideas.

- Guys. - Guys.

We know you�re in a jam.

Ron and me, we want to help.

Yeah, Moe and me want to help. We�ll do the scene for you.

[Both] We�ve double-teamed lots of gals.

Double-teamed?

Moe-Ron, you double-team lots of gals, do you?

Yeah. We like to all the time, actually.

Yeah, we�ll do the Aunt V scene. No problem.

Would you boys like some pie?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

[Glass breaks]

Ha ha! I love it, I love it!

[Moe] Put them in place!

- [V laughs] - Oh!

[V] Come back here.

[Excited chattering]

[Moe] I say Moe, you say Ron.

[V] Moe! Ron!

- Moe! - [V] Ron!

- Moe! - Ron!

[V screams]

It�s a wrap!

[Cheering]

We got it all. It was amazing.

Where did you get those weenies?

Our film has a great lesbo scene.

We do not have a "white girl with black guys" scene.

We gave up our "gal going to town with toys" scene.

Uh, but, thanks to good old Moe-Ron,

we got our gal

piccolo-playing two guys,

and we got our, uh, anal.

That's what Aunt V calls it. Nice lady.

So what have we got? We got a porno.

We were out of money.

If we needed more, we weren't going to get it,

so we began editing.

There you go.

We even had the premiere planned.

Yeah.

Hi, Andy.

Oh, hey, Hel.

Emmett, Some Idiot.

Some's asleep.

Oh. Well, what do I know? I'm just a porn actress.

Um, I saw the light on.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, I got the, uh...

invitation to the, uh, premiere.

Thanks.

But, uh, look, I hope you get from this thing what you want,

and for everybody,

but I, uh, l...

You�re not in the film.

You know, me and Emmett and Some did...

Yeah, I know, and Barney, he came and got it...

you know, the footage.

What do you mean?

Well, Barney, uh...

he wouldn�t let you be in the porno, Hel.

You know, we gave him the, uh, the print. All of it.

There are no other copies,

and, yeah, Some and Emmett were there,

but otherwise no one�s seen it.

Oh. Right. Right.

You�re telling me Barney�s not having a look at it?

He burned it.

As soon as we gave it to him,

he... he put it in the fireplace.

Hel, I know Barney ain�t no poet,

but... you can�t possibly not know.

I mean, uh, you know, if the guy drank poison,

it couldn�t be more obvious.

He's in love with you.

Come on, He's sick in love with you,

from the first day he saw you right up to now.

(music)(music) [pop]

Oh! Aunt V, look at you!

We had a really good turnout.

Uh, Barney had to miss the premiere.

I'll tell you why later...

or show you.

The stars. So, look at you girls.

Lovely. Hope you enjoy your scene.

- Hey. - Ah.

Thanks, Andy. Thanks.

Oh, my pleasure. I didn�t know if you wanted to come.

I was going to, uh, call you...

No, no, no. I don�t mean for the invitation.

I mean, um, that day...

the day that you came to the ball field for your aspirin,

you were going to ask me to be in your film, weren�t you?

Yeah, I think I was. Yeah.

Well, you�re a nice man, Andy.

[Cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very, very much for coming.

Uh, I don�t know what to say. Uh...

Well, we really couldn�t have done it without you.

We couldn�t have done it without you!

That�s right, Andy!

Uh, I'm a man of few words,

and it�s not me you�re here to see a lot of,

so roll "em!

[Narrating] Remember Ernest G. Pike,

Charlene's brother?

As promised.

The film came out okay.

These are friends, but everybody, you know, seemed to enjoy it.

What's Ern's first stop?

Floyd's, which is reasonable.

It's the closest bar. It's where he'd find people he knew.

Even his sister might be found here.

Speaking of Ern's sister,

it turns out we were able to use some of Charlene's stuff

as sort of the tease

Hey, the hat was my idea!

We used her getting the guys all interested.

You know, they're, uh, just about to have sex,

and then we cut away, you know,

don't give you the sex,

drive you a little crazy, you see,

and then, uh, and then in other scenes,

you get it all, uh, you know,

but you're never sure you're going to get it, see?

Uh, tension, you know, worked pretty good.

As you see, peering plays a very big role in all my films.

Shit!

[Door opens]

I can't remember if Ernest has always had impeccable timing.

Where the hell...

He did indeed find his sister here.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ernest! Ern, it�s me... Moose.

Ern! Wait, don�t take it out on me!

Listen, Ern... Uhh!

Stop!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

- [Gunshot] - Aah!

[Crowd screaming]

[Gasp]

The police came and apprehended Ernest.

We had shot our porno on reversal stock, no negative,

so there was only one copy... you know, print.

It was destroyed, every frame.

Some Idiot lost his arm.

Some, Some, Some, Some, Some,

You are some idiot, Some Idiot.

I'm so sorry, Some.

Nobody was supposed to get hurt.

Your arm.

Your arm.

I wanted you to get something, not lose anything.

It�s...

I'm sorry.

Andy, it�s okay.

How are you feeling, huh?

It was fun.

Thanks for letting me be the writer/director.

Nobody else would have.

You did a really good job.

I did, right?

You were great. You�re a writer/director now.

First class, huh?

And you can�t become a first class writer/director

without a little sacrifice.

Hey, it�s not the one, uh, that you...

No. I still got that one.

- Well, thank God. Whew. - Oh, yeah.

Okay, then.

Once I took a road trip.

Uh, my destination was Vermont. Well, I ended up in Florida...

a couple of wrong or right turns, depending how you look at it.

Whoa. Whoa.

Here's where you get.

You failed enough. Time not to fail.

I'm talking about something so much more

than determination or positive thinking here.

Failure really just won't do,

so you see to it that you don't.

It's possible, swear,

but you've got to get there, and it's a miserable trip,

but no matter how it's supposed to go,

what the rules were yesterday, what everyone thinks... thinks they know,

you know, none of that matters.

You have a job to do. Today you do it.

Andy.

You... You were always filming

with th-those... those little... those little tapes

that you gave to Barney, right?

That he burned up with the footage of Helen.

Yeah, the... the Mini DV tapes.

Yeah, I get them for, like, 50 cents apiece,

so I just shot video nonstop.

I was going to give you the tapes when we...

So you have all that stuff?

Yeah, all the way back to when you hit everybody up for money.

You... You were always filming. You have everything, then.

Yeah. On video, yeah.

I have all the tapes and everything from the set.

So... So we can put together a new film.

On video, yeah.

And we could edit it on my Mac, but it�d just be another...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Didn�t you tell me one time something

about being able to, you know, turn videos into film or something?

A transfer, yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, that would cost, like, 50 grand

to bump all this up to 35 mm.

16 might be less.

All right, all right, all right.

Regular movies are 35. It costs 50 grand.

Are you with me for one last thing?

Yes.

Start editing. Hmm?

Any sex, take it out.

Any nudity, take it out.

You can leave in the butts,

but I don�t want to see a hint of nipple.

- Do you understand me? - Yeah.

I asked Howard for the 50 grand, and he gave it to me.

Good guy.

[Beach Boys] (music) Round, round, get around (music)

(music) I get around, yeah, get around (music)

[Narrating] And at that moment,

I took the word "porno" away

from the front of our film

and was left with just a film,

a movie with all the stuff... love, friendship, violence, real life.

Real life. Hey, it beats porno.

There'd be no contest if real life had more sex in it.

Anyway, Emmett and I, we edited our new movie

in his apartment in the back of the video store,

put in all kinds of new stuff.

He'd been taping the town and all of us for a long time.

So then we had it transferred to 35 mm,

put in just the right amount of, uh, what's called, uh, voiceover...

you know, me talking.

You know, I bet you anything you look through history,

the best stuff didn't come from guys knowing what they were doing.

It came from guys who really tried hard

and cared like hell.

(music) Ooh (music)

(music) Wa-wa-ooh (music)

(music) Wa-wa-ooh (music)

So then we had a movie with a great title...

and more than one print.

Okay, and we jump ahead now six months or so.

Here I am walking down the street.

So then Emmett knew about these, uh, film carnivals.

They're kind of like, you know, movie Mardi Gras,

uh, only not quite as many women will show you their babaloos.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Anyway, our movie won one.

Ha ha ha ha!

They tell me a big one.

[Applause]

We made this movie with the help of friends.

It�s, uh, it�s really all it took...

uh...

and an arm.

[Audience laughs]

Uh, we learned two things, and I mean learned:

Nothing ventured, nothing gained,

and no guts, no glory.

Uh, you know, I mean, don�t be an idiot about it,

but, uh, yeah.

Happy to pass that on to you.

[Applause, cheering]

One of the reasons people go to these carnivals

is to buy movies.

Our movie got bought for $2.4 million.

I'm told that's a very good price.

Who the hell are you, Santa Claus?

What, all fat white guys are Santa Claus?

Thanks.

(music) For purple mountains" majesty (music)

When we got back from the film carnival with the 2.4 mil,

yeah, there was a party.

Everybody was really happy.

(music) America, America (music)

The movie opened this weekend

in what they call a limited release,

but this guy from the studio said

it had a very high, uh, per-screen average or something.

The genius part is... heh... we still have a piece...

a piece at the back end, a big piece.

I did good.

[Horn honks]

Thanks for the car, man!

[Honking]

Thank you!

Oh. Here. [Chuckles]

This you've really got to see.

Otis stuck with porno.

He's also the most obviously happy person

you've ever met in your life.

[Ron] Andy!

[Shouting indistinctly]

When I found out Emmett had been living right on Main Street all that time

without any of us knowing him, it really broke my heart.

It was time he take his proper place in the community.

Oh, yeah. I, uh, promised to tell or show you

why Barney wasn't at the premiere.

He and Helen were out of town. They eloped. Nice, huh?

Yeah, I wanted to save it for the end,

just in case one or two of you didn't figure it out.

Moose is also very happy these days.

I�ve been having so much fun.

Okay, let's see. What else do you need to know?

Uh, Some is an up-and-coming writer director in Hollywood.

Everyone knows who he is.

He's the writer director with one arm.

[Answering machine beeps]

Hi, honey. It's Peggy.

I'm looking for a producer.

I'm hoping you can produce me a foot massage.

Uh, I'm leaving the ball field. Do you need anything?

Peanuts, hot dog, some aspirin?

I love you, honey. I'll see you soon.

[Narrating] I just got back from L.A.

Hi. This is Mark Miller from the studio.

Look, we love it. We love you. We don't say that often.

- We'd love to do something together. - [Doorbell rings]

Listen to me. I've never said the word "love" this much

to someone who isn't 21 with...

Hey!

Ha ha.

Thel!

I always knew.

Thanks, Thel.

[Mark Miller] ...big tits. Call me, brother.

[Beep]

Dad, just saw the movie with all my friends.

It was great. They can't believe you're my dad.

People keep calling.

Everybody thinks you're really hot shit.

Congratulations. I love you, Dad.

I'll see you tonight, right?

I hope so. Bye, Dad.

[Beep]

[Rewinding tape]

Dad, just saw the movie with all my friends.

It was great. They can't believe you're my dad.

People keep calling.

Everybody thinks you're really hot shit.

Congratulations. I love you, Dad.

I'll see you tonight, right?

I hope so. Bye, Dad.

[Beep]

[Rewinding tape]

...lations. I love you, Dad.

I'll see you tonight, right?

I hope so.

I love you, Dad.

[Andy narrating] The end. We hope you liked our film.

(music) If I could, I'd say these words (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) If I could, I'd make it heard (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) A good man commits (music)

(music) A good man doesn't spit (music)

(music) A good man opens every door (music)

(music) A good man (music)

(music) Don't make out with whores (music)

(music) Someday I'm gonna say these words (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) Someday I'm gonna make it heard (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) A good man's for real (music)

(music) A good man can feel (music)

(music) A good man don't put his fist through walls (music)

(music) A good man (music)

(music) Don't stay down when he falls (music)

(music) Haunted by my youth (music)

(music) Suffocated truth (music)

(music) A piece of me has to die (music)

(music) Before I find the strength to fly (music)

(music) Yeah, I'm gonna say these words (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) And I'm gonna make it heard (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) I am a loaded gun (music)

(music) I am my father's son (music)

(music) Always on the run (music)

(music) Searchin' for the one (music)

(music) And embracing none (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

(music) I am a good man (music)

{{{the end}}}